The Problem Partner!
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You don't paint him in a very good light. It sounds like he's making you mother him if you're happy to do the chores and let him sit and play video games. Does he support you in any other way?
My husband is supportive of me getting healthy but he has good genes and is naturally slim and he'll happily eat what I eat but I will give him a larger portion and he has biscuits in the cupboard if he needs more.
If gym isn't an option there is a lot on the Internet and you tube videos you can do. Your partner may prefer you to go to a gym if you're playing exercise stuff on the TV and impeding his gaming time.
Look at where you want to be. I'm not going to say dump him as I can only glimpse at what you've said here. Communicate with him. We are all after all only human. You're young and have so much potential and everyone deserves supportive, nourishing people around them.0 -
MelissaPhippsFeagins wrote: »The words "in trouble" and "told off" bother me. I think the last time I was "in trouble" with my husband my 9yo wasn't alive and it was understandable...I made a large purchase decision without discussing it with him. And even then, there was a loud discussion and it was over because I had already gotten the car fixed. He thought it was something he could have done. It was not something I felt could wait until he was home to do it. Being "in trouble" has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with emotional health and controlling behavior.
If he doesn't want to eat what you cook every night, then split the cooking duties, understanding that neither of you will be happy 100% of the time.
Also explain to him that you love time with him, but not time watching him play video games so you will be going to the gym while he does that. It's just a couple of hours at most and you'll both be doing what you enjoy and then you can do something together.
I've been married 23 years. Communication is key. Compromise makes life enjoyable.
Some people like their significant other to be controlling, and being "in trouble" means something slightly different than how you are reading it. I am specifically thinking of power exchange relationships (I happen to be in one) and there is nothing wrong with that. No sure if that is the OPs case or not, just throwing that out there.
I have friends in those kinds of relationships, and they work when the partners are on the same page. But if she's venting about it here, they likely aren't on the same page.
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(Im a bit confused, You're the one working full time while he works part time, but you can't financially leave? Why not just get a roomate, or a second job? )
On the other thing, You aren't a child to "get in trouble" the fact that you are using that wording is probably what is ringing alarm bells in all of our heads. I have had my guy angry with me, frustrated with me, but never felt like I was a child in trouble.
You are grown. If you want to go to the gym, do so. If he wants to spend that time with you, he can take himself with you or deal with the house being a bit more quiet. And trust me, if he just wants that time bad enough, he will. I have gone to the gym more than once with my guy way before I wanted to lose weight just to get to spend a few minutes talking ot him before it was time for bed.
If he doesn't like what you cook, he is an adult. He is free to pick out what he doesn't like, and he also could create some more free time for you that you could spend with him by him preparing the meals.0 -
Why would you choose to be in a relationship with a person who does not want the very best for you? You are looking at a lifetime of pain, frustration, and loneliness.0
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So, may I ask where you were living before the boyfriend? do you not have parents to move back home to? my kids are aged 18,20 24 and right now for financial reasons they all live with me and if any of them were in bad relationships they could come home at any time by picking up the phone. The ones that live at home pay rent for food and bills, but when stuff goes wrong or they dont have any money then i dont expect anything.0
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I'm with the people telling you to leave him.
Or just ignore him, if you can't move out. Keep making your food, and if he complains, tell him he's free to make his own stuff... If you want to make it work, schedule some time together where you'll actually do something together, but you need to communicate and tell him that if you stay home and he's playing games and ignoring you, you'd rather just go to the gym (which is pretty much why I go to the gym every day, I just get bored doing nothing at home!).0 -
MissLaura94 wrote: »Sighhhhh what I'm getting from everyone is just suck it up and ignore him I guess?
What? NO! They are saying the opposite! Sounds to me most people are telling you to leave him. I agree with them.
If the only reason you are with him is because you can't afford to live on your own, try exploring other options like finding a roomate. Is moving back home with your parents an option?0 -
You can easily lose 150+ pounds right now by dumping him. I'm 30 years old now, but I was your age once and viewed my relationships the same way. I would feel guilty if I did something my boyfriend didn't like. I would let myself get chastised and scolded by boyfriends for doing things I wanted to do or if I didn't do something "right" in their eyes. I had low self-esteem and always felt like I was to blame for relationship issues. As I lost weight, I gained confidence and realized I wasn't the problem. That knowledge will only become stronger as you age.
If you don't want to break up with him, sit him down and talk to him about what he's doing. He's an adult and can cook his own damn food and he can find something else to do when you're at the gym. You work more than he does and have less free time, so you should utilize your time as you see fit just as he does for himself. If he cannot respect what you're trying to achieve, then you really do need to accept that you need to walk away from the relationship. You're 21 and you have so much time to find someone who will treat you well and respect you.0 -
MissLaura94 wrote: »I've communicated all these things and more everyday I possibly can and he either doesn't get it or simply doesn't care. Anything to with me or what's going on in my life the response is always "do whatever you want as long as it doesn't affect me".
Getting off topic but yeah he really does make me feel like a houseplant or something! But unfortunately I don't have much of a choice, I cannot afford to live alone so I'm pretty much stuck no matter what!
Find a houseshare/room and move the hell out.
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azulvioleta6 wrote: »MissLaura94 wrote: »
Sighhhhh what I'm getting from everyone is just suck it up and ignore him I guess?
I think that a lot of us are more in the "leave him" camp, actually. There is no reason to be stuck with somebody who is holding you back, especially not at your age.
Agree with you but OP is into making excuses; she's not leaving. Some people have to learn the hard way that there is always a solution - no one is ever stuck and just has to deal; there is always a solution ... Rarely is it easy, but short of being in prison there is a way to change your circumstances.
Sorry to be harsh, but I see this all the time and it breaks my heart.
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BekahC1980 wrote: »AnnaFit4Life wrote: »Oh Miss Laura you are 21 and have your entire life ahead of you. I was stuck in a miserable marriage for umteen years, by a selfish controlling husband. He started subtly with not wanting me to wear makeup anymore ...about after a first year that we met..."why you don't have to wear that stuff you've got me now". He made me feel like I was doing something wrong dressing nice and wanting to look good...guilted me into believing it was dishonouring him in a way. Looking back I was young and Stupid(I'm speaking for myself here). But eventually over the years it got worse next thing you know, I was giving up my life to try to please him or make him happy. Guess What... no matter how much I sacrificed, if was never enough to make him happy and it took me many years to get out of being stuck in that position.
No one should make you feel like a houseplant. Find a roommate... a girlfriend(if he hasn't isolated you from them yet...trust me that may be next) or family to get yourself back on your feet again.
+1.
And on another note once I got married he became abusive.
yuuuuuup
if i were you i would say screw it and adios...... before its much more difficult0 -
I have the same problem with my boyfriend, he's not unsupportive but he could definitely do more to help me in my efforts. My boyfriend is also technically overweight and although he complains about it makes no real effort to change it. I've tried communicating with him that I don't want to eat out 2-3 times a week because it throws me off plan and how it'd be awesome if he could eat healthier with me most days, but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I'm still trying to lose the last 10-15 pounds and I've been trying for over a YEAR. At this point I'm super discouraged but am not willing to give up, and have finally realized it's only up to ME. Yes it will require more willpower being with him then when I'd try to lose when I was single, but if this is what you want you can't let him come in the way of that. You have to lay down the law that this is what you're doing and he can either get on board or get off the ship altogether. It's your happiness and well being at stake, if this is what you want go get it, with or without him!0
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azulvioleta6 wrote: »MelissaPhippsFeagins wrote: »The words "in trouble" and "told off" bother me. I think the last time I was "in trouble" with my husband my 9yo wasn't alive and it was understandable...I made a large purchase decision without discussing it with him. And even then, there was a loud discussion and it was over because I had already gotten the car fixed. He thought it was something he could have done. It was not something I felt could wait until he was home to do it. Being "in trouble" has nothing to do with weight loss and everything to do with emotional health and controlling behavior.
If he doesn't want to eat what you cook every night, then split the cooking duties, understanding that neither of you will be happy 100% of the time.
Also explain to him that you love time with him, but not time watching him play video games so you will be going to the gym while he does that. It's just a couple of hours at most and you'll both be doing what you enjoy and then you can do something together.
I've been married 23 years. Communication is key. Compromise makes life enjoyable.
Some people like their significant other to be controlling, and being "in trouble" means something slightly different than how you are reading it. I am specifically thinking of power exchange relationships (I happen to be in one) and there is nothing wrong with that. No sure if that is the OPs case or not, just throwing that out there.
That's a rather large leap.
I wonder what the OP is getting out of the relationship that keeps her there. It doesn't sound like a very good deal to me.
Not at all. More common than people think.
Indeed
Although it doesn't appear to be the case here, thanks for putting it out there. I was trying to figure out how to word it.
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Personally if my man started making me feel like a house plant then I would start treating him like a roommate
Don't wanna eat what I eat?
Cook your own meals and buy your own damn groceries.
Only wanna work casual like a lazy blob?
Oh well.. maybe the lack of funds to do anything or afford to eat will motivate him to work more or get another job.
Don't wanna support me going to the gym?
Too bad cupcake. If I'm gonna be a house plant then you have no say in what I do. If I'm getting no respect then why should I respect his protests.
Hunny you are 21 and there is plenty of options out there to find a better roommate or cheap apartment. I've been living on my own since I was 17.. believe me it can be done without a controlling lazy male sucking you dry not only financially but emotionally.
Ya, a few years ago a romantic relationship I was in wasn't working out and I switched it into a roommate situation - I stopped cooking for him, doing his laundry, and paying his cable bill, and told him as soon as I found a job I was moving out. I got hired early Oct and put a deposit on a new place mid Oct.
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MissLaura94 wrote: »I've communicated all these things and more everyday I possibly can and he either doesn't get it or simply doesn't care. Anything to with me or what's going on in my life the response is always "do whatever you want as long as it doesn't affect me".
Getting off topic but yeah he really does make me feel like a houseplant or something! But unfortunately I don't have much of a choice, I cannot afford to live alone so I'm pretty much stuck no matter what!
You could always get a roommate.
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MissLaura94 wrote: »I work a full work week while he only works casual so it irritates me that I am still expected to do all the food shopping and cooking - and then he doesn't want what I cook or buy. Do it your damn self with all your time off!! lol.
Oh I would NOT be putting up with that. No way would I be doing all the food shopping and cooking if I worked full-time and my husband did not.(Im a bit confused, You're the one working full time while he works part time, but you can't financially leave? Why not just get a roomate, or a second job? )
And this ^^
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Yeah he sounds a little deficient in the support category. Being the provider puts you in the power position. You decide which bills you pay. For your mental health perhaps treat this relationship more like a roommate situation. After all he's all ready told you he doesn't care as long as it doesn't affect him.
I suggest leaving little errands for him to do while you are off at work. Buy groceries and cook according to your pleasure. If he complains his favourites aren't there, sweetly let him know he's free to stock them.
If he complains about your evenings working out, ask him if he needs a partner in his video game? With enough notice you'll try and schedule him in.
I think he should definitely cover the cable bill.0
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