Why request friends if you're not going to interact?
Replies
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TheBeachgod wrote: »New post so LWins999 won't think it was directed at her only.
This is a fitness site. So what if someone is a "friend" collector and someone isn't? CICO and exercise should be a bigger focus than worrying about how superficial you may think the Like button is or deleting a friend because they didn't leave a meaningful comment about my Cheerios and coffee for breakfast.
PS NurseCrystalB: I sent a friend request. If you accept I'll have a whopping 19 friends on MFP.
I've seen this conclusion before. Having a certain focus on one thing or doing it a certain way doesn't have to mean that is all you do or care about. It's just a preference
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WinoGelato wrote: »OP I'm curious, did you ever go back and ask those people on your FL that you feel aren't interacting enough, why? Rather than posting about it here and having a bunch of others speculate?
I find a direct discussion with people that I have issues with or questions about something going on with them more helpful than side conversations with other people. If I were one of those people on your FL and I saw this thread I would probably think that was a passive aggressive way to confront me.
Good point, but remember she deletes those that do not interact. At that point IMO it's just gonna be drama with people that you've decided to no longer be on your list. Perhaps a suggestion for future cases prior to using the delete button. If said person doesn't even respond to a PM, then they really don't want to interact with you (the general you!)
Presumably many of those friends came about through interactions in the forums, so I suspect many of them have seen this thread already. They probably now have their answer as to why they were deleted, if they were wondering!
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WinoGelato wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP I'm curious, did you ever go back and ask those people on your FL that you feel aren't interacting enough, why? Rather than posting about it here and having a bunch of others speculate?
I find a direct discussion with people that I have issues with or questions about something going on with them more helpful than side conversations with other people. If I were one of those people on your FL and I saw this thread I would probably think that was a passive aggressive way to confront me.
Good point, but remember she deletes those that do not interact. At that point IMO it's just gonna be drama with people that you've decided to no longer be on your list. Perhaps a suggestion for future cases prior to using the delete button. If said person doesn't even respond to a PM, then they really don't want to interact with you (the general you!)
Presumably many of those friends came about through interactions in the forums, so I suspect many of them have seen this thread already. They probably now have their answer as to why they were deleted, if they were wondering!
Especially if that "your friend posted in this topic" feature was working, right??
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WinoGelato wrote: »OP I'm curious, did you ever go back and ask those people on your FL that you feel aren't interacting enough, why? Rather than posting about it here and having a bunch of others speculate?
I find a direct discussion with people that I have issues with or questions about something going on with them more helpful than side conversations with other people. If I were one of those people on your FL and I saw this thread I would probably think that was a passive aggressive way to confront me.
Good point, but remember she deletes those that do not interact. At that point IMO it's just gonna be drama with people that you've decided to no longer be on your list. Perhaps a suggestion for future cases prior to using the delete button. If said person doesn't even respond to a PM, then they really don't want to interact with you (the general you!)
Instead, we now get drama for everyone! Wheeee!!!
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WinoGelato wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP I'm curious, did you ever go back and ask those people on your FL that you feel aren't interacting enough, why? Rather than posting about it here and having a bunch of others speculate?
I find a direct discussion with people that I have issues with or questions about something going on with them more helpful than side conversations with other people. If I were one of those people on your FL and I saw this thread I would probably think that was a passive aggressive way to confront me.
Good point, but remember she deletes those that do not interact. At that point IMO it's just gonna be drama with people that you've decided to no longer be on your list. Perhaps a suggestion for future cases prior to using the delete button. If said person doesn't even respond to a PM, then they really don't want to interact with you (the general you!)
Presumably many of those friends came about through interactions in the forums, so I suspect many of them have seen this thread already. They probably now have their answer as to why they were deleted, if they were wondering!
@WinoGelato Your speculations are wrong and full of inaccurate assumptions. Again, I ask that you please stay on topic.
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WinoGelato wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP I'm curious, did you ever go back and ask those people on your FL that you feel aren't interacting enough, why? Rather than posting about it here and having a bunch of others speculate?
I find a direct discussion with people that I have issues with or questions about something going on with them more helpful than side conversations with other people. If I were one of those people on your FL and I saw this thread I would probably think that was a passive aggressive way to confront me.
Good point, but remember she deletes those that do not interact. At that point IMO it's just gonna be drama with people that you've decided to no longer be on your list. Perhaps a suggestion for future cases prior to using the delete button. If said person doesn't even respond to a PM, then they really don't want to interact with you (the general you!)
Presumably many of those friends came about through interactions in the forums, so I suspect many of them have seen this thread already. They probably now have their answer as to why they were deleted, if they were wondering!
@WinoGelato Your speculations are wrong and full of inaccurate assumptions. Again, I ask that you please stay on topic.
This entire thread has been speculative in nature. You started a thread saying you didn't understand why people send you a friend request and then fail to interact to your level of expectations. You asked the community to offer opinions why that might be (speculation). You got several comments with different reasons why that might be the case. I'm simply asking if you've now gone back and validated any of those theories with the people you are describing in your OP, otherwise it is simply just speculation. I fail to see how that is off topic.
If these friend requests didn't initiate out of seeing your posts in the forums, how did people find you, I'm genuinely curious? Most of my FL was generated because I saw posts in the forums and we had common interests or opinions.
When I see someone on my FL has posted a topic in the forums I generally take a look to see what they are discussing. It's often a better way to interact than through the news feed. I figured some of the people on your FL, the interactive ones and the ones who are less so, have seen this thread.
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Cranquistador wrote: »I'm always saying, "One of these days, I'm going to go on a deleting spree!" but I never do. Maybe that time is near. Reading this makes me think I really should.
Yep, I did it last year and haven't looked back. I'm friend-free and happy to be. I chat with whoever I want on the main forums and open groups and that's enough for me. I liked almost all my friends when I kept a list but there were a few lurkers who were completely silent and that did creep me out a bit.
Mostly it was me who was the inactive friend though. I tried to keep up with the woo hoos!, and the way to gos!, and the excellent progress! and the congratulations! and the that looks so yummy! narratives but I got tired and could no longer keep up with that. Also I found it stressful.
After awhile I just didn't want to see a hundred daily updates of people who completed their diary for the umpteenth time, who logged in for the 57th consecutive day, who burned 800 calories on the eliptical or who burned 5 calories farting into a sofa cushion while posting stupid zombie references from gory, violent TV shows I never watch.
I also didn't understand only wanting to converse on a "wall" or a "feed" with the belief that it is somehow an exclusive, members only club - invisible to the rest of the site, since I don't think any website conversations are really private anyway.
Then again, I don't have a Facebook account or any other social media account- which I think is where the friend list idea was copied from anyway...
Bottom line is, who are these online friends anyway? Anonymous avatars who appear and disappear in the blink of an eye. And nothing more than words on a screen, ultimately. I like to keep that reality check.
It might be that way for you, but it's not that way for everyone. I have made some lifelong friends here that have evolved into non screen interaction... Like tough mudders, and Sunday brunch. (Okok brunch is in the werks)
I wish that our "friends", weren't labeled as such automatically because to me a friend, is someone that I initially met & interacted with offline, until I become acquainted with someone offline regularly; I consider them to be "associates" but since some of us have online friends, that're also offline; I believe that we should be able to designate whether our "friends" are associates, friends, coworkers and/or family, via separate lists.0 -
Cryptonomnomicon wrote: »Well I can say I interact with my FL and have grown familiar with quite a few of them over the years BUT I also have commitments outside of the feed, as do my friends. If someone writes something on my wall or messages me I respond but the majority of my FL is self sufficient and long time members so most of us don't really bother with the superfluous "WTG! Good job!" etc on what has become habitual; such as logging streaks or finishing diaries. We tend to support each other when it comes to more personal tribulations or if we are seeking advice be it regarding lifting, nutrition etc. More often than not we are there for each other when we need it. I like low maintenance friends...not unlike real life.
Different strokes for different folks.
This 100%!0 -
No I asked why did the people that do this, do it. No speculation there.
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I've never sent a request out, and only except ones with a message as to why, unless I recognize the name from a group I support, or friend of friend.
I only post exercise, and state from time to time I don't need comments or nods of support so don't feel obligated, the workout is being done no matter what, but several have said they get ideas and reminders from my verbose workout notes, or ask questions to learn something.
I'll share studies and ideas and general encouragement too.
After logging in a couple times daily, I'll look back over the past 3 hr window and comment on others workouts and posts if something there besides generic posting, or at least a like if I know they are same with their workouts as I am with mine.
I only clean up the FL when I remember to, with those with no login over a month being deleted, unless they posted why they'd be gone, or I'm one of only 6 friends.
So there are lots of folks out there that could be used to my and others methods where we expect or need nothing in return, and our posts are likely being used for encouragement. Or forgotten.
So when these folks see your posts, they may like the tact you take and want to feel inspired and so friend you - but not realizing they are expected to be inspiring in return.
I am apart of a group, at 1st I considered sending everyone there a friend request, since we had that in common but then I decided to wait, until the end of the challenge & then only send requests, to those that stayed committed to the end. It's a private group & after the 1st weekly chart, was created by our leader, she informed us that she sent 352 invites (to people that requested them), we got only 223 members to join (from those invites) & then only 172 (including myself) actually weighed in. Our leader only deletes someone, if they miss 2 weeks of weigh ins. So now after only 5 weeks into an 11 week challenge, we only have 144 members left.0 -
Therealobi1 wrote: »TheBeachgod wrote: »
i get that and i think regardless of 1 friend or 1000 friends we are really in this alone. i do like the fact i can talk to others on here about what i am up to as dont have anyone in real life who will be interested.
My sentiment exactly! I don't have anyone offline to work out with (I am building my own home gym) and/or share recipes with (meaning that I'd like to cook a healthy meal once a week, to share with someone and/or even a small group of friends; that's trying to lose weight & vice versa).0 -
OP, I completely agree with you!
A couple weeks ago I had enough... after being spammed by someone with 'likes' on feeds which mentioned I failed to meet my daily goals & as an anorexic, was continuing to lose weight... there's nothing supportive about that, I deleted them. I got the impression they hadn't even bothered to read the feed, & all the while I've been checking up on them & supporting them with advice {?!} Not that I ever got any acknowledgement {?!!!
}... That person was clearly very self-centred. This isn't facebook & I'm not going to go down peoples feeds, spamming them with likes, just to get liked back.
...
WinoGelato question was on topic though, so fully disagreeing with you there.I am satisfied with the friends I already have, but occasionally I receive friend requests and accept the request, only to find out that the friend is silent on my posts all the time. Or that they never bother to be social and comment on anyone's post besides their own. It seems counterproductive to me.
I comment on all of my friends' posts almost every day, but inevitably end up with friends that never comment on my posts, or exert any energy towards supporting anyone else. I feel bad deleting the person, but eventually I do. My question is for those that do this, is why? Why send a friend request if you don't bother to read that persons profile or interact with them or return the support they are giving you? It seems like it would be easier to save your energy and not request someone just to end up getting deleted.
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It really depends on what post it is. If it's one of the automated posts about their food diary, or weight loss then I usually like it. I don't think that many people expect their friends to say "way to go", "nice burn", "nice logging" on every single post. I don't expect it from my friends. If they are asking for advice (and I'm able to help) or just posting on their day to day stuff I'm more likely to comment.0
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I don't post anything to my newsfeed, and don't read other people's posts. I did when I first started, but it got too much for me for various reasons (nothing to do with what my friends had posted as such). I've had a couple of friend requests since I've stopped reading/posting, and have told them that I'm not active on the feed and I'll understand if they delete me.
I'm using MFP my way, others are using it their way, and there's room for all of us.0 -
No I asked why did the people that do this, do it. No speculation there.
Fair enough. I don't like or comment on status updates for every person on my list. I don't have time for that. If someone wants something more from me, I would hope they would let me know directly, not delete me and then go on about it with others.
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Ditto. I have some amazing people on my friends list that are interesting and inspiring, but I just don't have the time to interact with all of them all the time. I do like checking their pages and reading updates when I'm able to.0 -
Liftng4Lis wrote: »nakedraygun wrote: »Insofar as size of FL and whether I delete a contact or not, If I accept your messageless FR and then go out of my to way to introduce myself to you on your wall, you better dang well reciprocate. Clicking the stupid like button is meaningless.
Have I been neglecting you again?
Yes. You change that by bringing me all the food.0 -
_Terrapin_ wrote: »nakedraygun wrote: »
Of course. Happiness all around.Cranquistador wrote: »nakedraygun wrote: »Insofar as size of FL and whether I delete a contact or not, If I accept your messageless FR and then go out of my to way to introduce myself to you on your wall, you better dang well reciprocate. Clicking the stupid like button is meaningless.
So you like to give as well as receive.
Whatever Kerry.nakedraygun wrote: »Insofar as size of FL and whether I delete a contact or not, If I accept your messageless FR and then go out of my to way to introduce myself to you on your wall, you better dang well reciprocate. Clicking the stupid like button is meaningless.
If I friend request you without a message, you better accept without talking about me on your wall first with the wrong freaking name.
Jus' sayin'
Uh oh.....thought it was Katy. I even had a neat little reminder.....the 'y' at the end 'cause I thought they cared.
Could be Kammie. Or Kitaro. Or Kipp.0 -
nakedraygun wrote: »_Terrapin_ wrote: »nakedraygun wrote: »
Of course. Happiness all around.Cranquistador wrote: »nakedraygun wrote: »Insofar as size of FL and whether I delete a contact or not, If I accept your messageless FR and then go out of my to way to introduce myself to you on your wall, you better dang well reciprocate. Clicking the stupid like button is meaningless.
So you like to give as well as receive.
Whatever Kerry.nakedraygun wrote: »Insofar as size of FL and whether I delete a contact or not, If I accept your messageless FR and then go out of my to way to introduce myself to you on your wall, you better dang well reciprocate. Clicking the stupid like button is meaningless.
If I friend request you without a message, you better accept without talking about me on your wall first with the wrong freaking name.
Jus' sayin'
Uh oh.....thought it was Katy. I even had a neat little reminder.....the 'y' at the end 'cause I thought they cared.
Could be Kammie. Or Kitaro. Or Kipp.
You're really not going to last long at this rate, dude.0 -
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No I asked why did the people that do this, do it. No speculation there.
Well, to be fair, you asked here in the forums, and not the people on your friends list. So people answering here in the forums who are not on your friends list cannot do more than speculate. When people are speculating in this thread and you ask them to stop doing that and get back on topic, that's not fair. They can hardly do anything else.0 -
This is an interesting thread. Having a background in psychology and education, I’ve always been curious about the idea of encouragement and how that affects outcomes whether personal or school/work related. I just recently read an article that I think may have some relevance here (Psychology of Encouragement –it is quite long but worth at least skimming through if you have the time)
This article shared four dimensions of encouragement- Positive view of self
- Positive view of others
- Openness to experiences different from their perceived “norm”
- Sense of belonging
Based on this list, I would assert that each of us are at different levels requiring (or not) different types of encouragement. Some may already feel confident in themselves and ready to tackle anything that life throws at them without the need to have someone reassure them. Others may not quite be there yet and could use an extra “push” however that is defined by the person.
I can attest to the feeling of being super overwhelmed when I first knew I wanted to lose weight. I was also uncertain of what to do or where to start and lacked confidence. At that time, I had a few friends who pushed me through with encouraging comments even when I did not say much back other than what everyone else was saying (i.e. Good job!). That is because I was at a different stage in this journey than I am today.
Now, I am trying to pay it forward so-to-speak to help others who may need that extra help. While I would appreciate the reciprocal feedback, at the same time I remember what it was like when I started. I believe putting things in perspective like this may help each one of us decide how to progress. After all, we all have a choice on how to handle our friend requests.
For me personally, I enjoy a small group of people because it gives me the ability to comment. However, others may need more friends because of where they are on their journey. That doesn’t mean they are necessarily taking advantage of others. Once we all realize we are not necessarily at the same point, I think it may be easier to digest the lack of some people’s participation. That said, if this is a concern for you, there’s nothing wrong with the delete button because as selfish as this may seem, you are doing this for you and no one else.
TL;DR – Each of us are on a different part of our weight loss journey meaning we may need more or less support from others (i.e. encouragement). It is up to each person to decide how to handle what type of support is needed/wanted. If you want lots of commenters, look for those people who are active (the forums like this are a great place to start). If you would rather help others, again the forum is also a good place that doesn’t involve the need to even have friends. The choice is yours! Just remember we all cannot be put into a box and assume what works for one works for all – find what works for you and do it.
Just my thoughts.0 -
No I asked why did the people that do this, do it. No speculation there.
Well, to be fair, you asked here in the forums, and not the people on your friends list. So people answering here in the forums who are not on your friends list cannot do more than speculate. When people are speculating in this thread and you ask them to stop doing that and get back on topic, that's not fair. They can hardly do anything else.
I didn't ask people on this thread to tell me why my former friends behaved that way. I want to hear from people that do this to others, what their reasoning is. That's not speculation.
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FatSwatter wrote: »This is an interesting thread. Having a background in psychology and education, I’ve always been curious about the idea of encouragement and how that affects outcomes whether personal or school/work related. I just recently read an article that I think may have some relevance here (Psychology of Encouragement –it is quite long but worth at least skimming through if you have the time)
This article shared four dimensions of encouragement- Positive view of self
- Positive view of others
- Openness to experiences different from their perceived “norm”
- Sense of belonging
Based on this list, I would assert that each of us are at different levels requiring (or not) different types of encouragement. Some may already feel confident in themselves and ready to tackle anything that life throws at them without the need to have someone reassure them. Others may not quite be there yet and could use an extra “push” however that is defined by the person.
I can attest to the feeling of being super overwhelmed when I first knew I wanted to lose weight. I was also uncertain of what to do or where to start and lacked confidence. At that time, I had a few friends who pushed me through with encouraging comments even when I did not say much back other than what everyone else was saying (i.e. Good job!). That is because I was at a different stage in this journey than I am today.
Now, I am trying to pay it forward so-to-speak to help others who may need that extra help. While I would appreciate the reciprocal feedback, at the same time I remember what it was like when I started. I believe putting things in perspective like this may help each one of us decide how to progress. After all, we all have a choice on how to handle our friend requests.
For me personally, I enjoy a small group of people because it gives me the ability to comment. However, others may need more friends because of where they are on their journey. That doesn’t mean they are necessarily taking advantage of others. Once we all realize we are not necessarily at the same point, I think it may be easier to digest the lack of some people’s participation. That said, if this is a concern for you, there’s nothing wrong with the delete button because as selfish as this may seem, you are doing this for you and no one else.
TL;DR – Each of us are on a different part of our weight loss journey meaning we may need more or less support from others (i.e. encouragement). It is up to each person to decide how to handle what type of support is needed/wanted. If you want lots of commenters, look for those people who are active (the forums like this are a great place to start). If you would rather help others, again the forum is also a good place that doesn’t involve the need to even have friends. The choice is yours! Just remember we all cannot be put into a box and assume what works for one works for all – find what works for you and do it.
Just my thoughts.
Thank you for your thoughtful post.
I would say that many of us that ask for friends that reciprocate positive energy don't REQUIRE encouragement. My initial concern was the perception that they were only takers and thought it was just not polite to not acknowledge your "friends." And initially thought those people were rude. Now others have pointed out why they do it and it makes sense to me now.0 -
No I asked why did the people that do this, do it. No speculation there.
Well, to be fair, you asked here in the forums, and not the people on your friends list. So people answering here in the forums who are not on your friends list cannot do more than speculate. When people are speculating in this thread and you ask them to stop doing that and get back on topic, that's not fair. They can hardly do anything else.
I didn't ask people on this thread to tell me why my former friends behaved that way. I want to hear from people that do this to others, what their reasoning is. That's not speculation.
When you post in a public forum, you're going to hear from everyone who has access to those forums. That doesn't keep the responses exclusive to only those who fit into the category of 'those who do this to others'. People who read the original post are going to weigh in with opinions and speculation, and they have the right to do that. It's the nature of the forums.0 -
I would say that many of us that ask for friends that reciprocate positive energy don't REQUIRE encouragement. My initial concern was the perception that they were only takers and thought it was just not polite to not acknowledge your "friends." And initially thought those people were rude. Now others have pointed out why they do it and it makes sense to me now.
Honestly, I used to think the same thing which is one of the reasons I was drawn to this thread. I guess after reflecting on myself a bit, I tried to put myself in their shoes. Of course, I definitely want to keep up the positive energy. I used to have a couple of friends who were constantly negative and no matter what anyone said in the way of encouragement (or whatever), they would have a rebuttal. It got to the point where I decided deleting was the way to go after realizing my mood changed as soon as I logged on. That said, if someone wants to vent, I don't mind. It only gets overbearing if it's constant especially if it's over the same thing. It's all about the way people frame their thought.
I think this was a good question to get out there in the open even with all the of opinions on the subject. I enjoy a healthy debate although admittedly it can get a little hairy in a public forum like this since presumably, we don't know each other. But remember you are doing this for you so decide what will help you in the long run.
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See I dont use facebook for personal reasons, but I feel like I'm trying to make my feed kind of like a facebook page. I want my friends to know i see their successes and struggles and I try to comment on their posts often. I want to feel like there are people here who would notice if I stopped posting and would reach out to pull me back! Im paying attention to my friends for the same, if one disappears Im sending a message and trying to get them back on track. I would want them to do the same for me.0
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No I asked why did the people that do this, do it. No speculation there.
Well, to be fair, you asked here in the forums, and not the people on your friends list. So people answering here in the forums who are not on your friends list cannot do more than speculate. When people are speculating in this thread and you ask them to stop doing that and get back on topic, that's not fair. They can hardly do anything else.
I didn't ask people on this thread to tell me why my former friends behaved that way. I want to hear from people that do this to others, what their reasoning is. That's not speculation.
When you post in a public forum, you're going to hear from everyone who has access to those forums. That doesn't keep the responses exclusive to only those who fit into the category of 'those who do this to others'. People who read the original post are going to weigh in with opinions and speculation, and they have the right to do that. It's the nature of the forums.
I know that I can't exclude others but my post was not speculative nor did I ask others to speculate. Others can answer my question without speculating. You said people can only speculate to reply to my post which is simply not true.0
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