Obsessive/Unhealthy Dieting Relationship

ftsolk

I've come to the conclusion that I do not know how to lose weight in a healthy way.

Now, that's not saying that I don't know how to lose weight in a way that's PHYSICALLY healthy. Lean proteins, whole grains, fruits, vegetables, healthy fats. Limit added sugar.

Mentally, however, I'm not there.

I'm down about 20 pounds since October with Weight Watchers which is great, but I've reached a mental roadblock these past few weeks because I'm just DONE.

See, in order to lose those 20 pounds, I've gone a bit insane. I HAVE to be in complete control. If I go over to a friend's house for the day or evening, there's almost certainly going to be food involved.This means I'll do one of the following:

-Bring my own food from home (either to reheat OR ingredients to cook for myself)
-Try to come up with a last-minute meal using what they have on-hand (weighing and measuring everything on my portable food scale).
-Volunteer to cook a Weight Watcher's friendly meal for the entire family

Of course, if I don't do any of the above, then that usually means eating what everyone else is having. Occasionally, I'll do ok with that. Other times, I'll find myself enjoying the break from obsessively weighing and measuring food SO much that I'll lose control.

I don't think bringing a food scale to a friend's house is normal.

Unfortunately, my social life kinda revolves around situations involving food. I have Bible study 2-3 times a week where they serve food, and my schedule doesn't always allow for eating dinner before I get there (and eating after isn't an option). I have breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner at a friend's house several times a week.

Take earlier this week,for example. I had an afternoon babysitting job on Monday that was originally supposed to be from 1 to around 6pm. Afterwards, my plan was to go to Starbucks and eat a Protein bistro box for dinner while working on filling out job applications. Then, my friend asked if I was willing/able to stay late. Of course, I said "yes," but this meant I had to change my dinner plans and cook dinner for the girls. I was also asked if I wanted to spend the night and babysit all day the next day.

Normally, if I was going to do an overnight babysitting job, I would at least pack the INGREDIENTS to prepare food for the time I was there (lunch on Tuesday would've been dinner leftovers from Monday). But I didn't have the time, money, or energy to deal with it.

I am tired of refusing dinner invites, bringing my own food to friends' houses (a bag of steamer veggies when they normally prepare one bag for 8 people,and I usually have a bag to myself is one thing; an entire meal is another), or pulling out a kitchen scale from my purse to find out how much turkey tenderloin I'm eating. I'm tired of eating just enough to get a taste of food, but not eating enough to make a dent in my hunger because I can't figure out the calories/points for the meal and am afraid of going over my limit.

I'm ok with saying "no" at times. I can refuse dessert. I typically skip white pasta and white rice. I'm even ok with bringing some of my own food in certain situations, like in the dinner situation with the veggies, or throwing an apple in my bag when going over to a friends' house early in the morning so I can have an extra serving of fruit with my breakfast. I'm even ok with OCCASIONALLY cooking dinner for my friends (or packing my own food).

But I need to learn how to handle things when I'm not in complete control because

1. I'm not always going to have the luxury of being in complete control over the food I eat UNLESS I give up having a life.
2. Being in complete control like this is exhausting, and I can't do it anymore.

misskarne

It sounds like you need to seek professional help.

positivepowers

misskarne wrote: »

It sounds like you need to seek professional help.

Agreed. This sounds much deeper than just a food issue.

jeepinshawn

Agreed, sorry but you need a pro. I have been there, depression and anxiety, they can really help.

Orphia

ftsolk wrote: »

Of course, if I don't do any of the above, then that usually means eating what everyone else is having. Occasionally, I'll do ok with that. Other times, I'll find myself enjoying the break from obsessively weighing and measuring food SO much that I'll lose control.

I think you're pretty normal, really.

You have good days and bad days like everyone else, and "obsessive" days.

Some of the obsessive days interfere with your social activities, which is the part that is slightly concerning, but you haven't said how your friends feel about you weighing/cooking food in their homes. If they're OK with it in order for you to get healthy, I don't see a problem.

Kind regards.

chimpy123

I have a pretty go-go-go lifestyle too. I pack my food in an insulated lunch box/cooler and keep snacks in my purse (all weighed/measured/portioned out). I have a slow metabolism and have to be careful what I eat in order to lose the weight I need to and I also try to avoid eating fast food/takeout due to nutrition and cost. There is nothing wrong with saying "no thank you" when someone offers you a cupcake or something unhealthy and then eating the portion of nuts you have in your purse instead. And I always pack an "emergency snack" just in case I get caught in a situation where my plans have run long and I'm ravenous and might give in to something unhealthy. If you are dining with friends possibly bring a salad for the group or some other healthy option so that you always have something in case people are eating stuff that you don't want to. And rather than weighing everything at a friends house try and look into the estimating method using the size of your hand - ex. one portion of protein is the size of your palm

pootle1972

Do you HAVE to be so busy.....3 bible study classes...are they part of a class or just part of the church....you need to make time for YOU. God will understand if you only went to one.

pinggolfer96

You can't let food control your life. I would actually suggest breaking away from MFP if it's causing that obsession. Just eat mindfully, healthy, and common sense portions. Listen to you bodies cues when you're hungry

cbihatt

These people are your friends, correct? Are they aware of your goals? If so, ask for their help. Tell them what you need...whether that is advance notice to bring your own food (as in the babysitting situation), or access to their kitchens to cook your own meal, or just the absence of judgement when you bring your food scale. You should never feel guilty or awkward about trying to better yourself. It sounds to me like you are a people pleaser. You worry so much about other people and what they might need from you, that it's hard for you to be "selfish" when you need to be. (I apologize if this is an incorrect assumption on my part.) Good luck!

booksandchocolate12

aim_3 wrote: »

These people are your friends, correct? Are they aware of your goals? If so, ask for their help. Tell them what you need...whether that is advance notice to bring your own food (as in the babysitting situation), or access to their kitchens to cook your own meal, or just the absence of judgement when you bring your food scale. You should never feel guilty or awkward about trying to better yourself. It sounds to me like you are a people pleaser. You worry so much about other people and what they might need from you, that it's hard for you to be "selfish" when you need to be. (I apologize if this is an incorrect assumption on my part.) Good luck!

If I spent hours preparing an elaborate meal for a dinner party, and one of my guests--even a good, close friend-- came into my kitchen with their own food, and started cooking, I can't say that I wouldn't be a bit annoyed.

I have friends and family members with medical issues that require dietary restrictions--diabetes, food allergies, watching sodium due to high blood pressure, diverticulitis, high cholesterol, etc. No one has EVER brought their own food to a dinner at my house. Nobody. Ever. Nobody has ever even asked that I prepare something special, or not serve a particular food. Everybody eats what I serve and nobody has died.

I think the OP is engaging in some extreme behavior, and I second the recommendations for professional help.

Ninkyou

Based on your posting history, I think you should seek professional help.

Time and time again the users of MFP have given you great advice only to be ignored and tossed to the side. Since you really don't want to listen to what we have to say, I can only hope you'll listen to a professional. You've been at this for years (and under other accounts) and you still are not getting anywhere. You're still talking about the same things as all of the other times and still making alot of excuses. There comes a point where if you can't do it on your own it's time to find help.

ftsolk

My friends have no problem with me bringing my own food and kitchen scale. I even have friends who will often not offer me dessert so they aren't tempting me. Sometimes, last-minute food situations can't be helped (like with the babysitting job earlier in the week; it was a last-minute thing).

Of course, it's a little harder at my one Bible study (the one for young adults, the 18-29 year olds), but that's also the one that starts later, so eating beforehand isn't as impossible. Still, for the most part, my friends are extremely supportive of me.

I am just tired of not being able to go to a friend's house for dinner without packing a kitchen scale or bringing my own dinner. I'm tired of cooking a separate meal for myself in any social situation- whether it's dinner with friends or a family meal.

kshama2001

I'd bring my scale. It may feel awkward at first, and people will ask questions, but you'll get over it. I bring my scale when I go to Mom's, which I do regularly. I don't for the occasional big family get-together, but if I had regular things like you do, I sure would.

queenliz99

Ninkyou wrote: »

Based on your posting history, I think you should seek professional help.

Time and time again the users of MFP have given you great advice only to be ignored and tossed to the side. Since you really don't want to listen to what we have to say, I can only hope you'll listen to a professional. You've been at this for years (and under other accounts) and you still are not getting anywhere. You're still talking about the same things as all of the other times and still making alot of excuses. There comes a point where if you can't do it on your own it's time to find help.

Seconding this

cbihatt

booksandchocolate12 wrote: »

If I spent hours preparing an elaborate meal for a dinner party, and one of my guests--even a good, close friend-- came into my kitchen with their own food, and started cooking, I can't say that I wouldn't be a bit annoyed.

I can understand that, but based on the OP, I was under the impression that these aren't dinner parties she is going to every night. More like friendly get-togethers? If I had a group of people over for an informal gathering, I don't think it is a big deal if someone brought their own food.

snickerscharlie

ftsolk wrote: »

I am just tired of not being able to go to a friend's house for dinner without packing a kitchen scale or bringing my own dinner. I'm tired of cooking a separate meal for myself in any social situation- whether it's dinner with friends or a family meal.

Then just stop doing that. Not sure what the issue is, here. You don't have to make yourself feel ripped off all the time in order to lose weight.
Edited to add: I 3rd the suggestion that it might be time for you to get some professional help.

ftsolk

booksandchocolate12 wrote: »

aim_3 wrote: »

These people are your friends, correct? Are they aware of your goals? If so, ask for their help. Tell them what you need...whether that is advance notice to bring your own food (as in the babysitting situation), or access to their kitchens to cook your own meal, or just the absence of judgement when you bring your food scale. You should never feel guilty or awkward about trying to better yourself. It sounds to me like you are a people pleaser. You worry so much about other people and what they might need from you, that it's hard for you to be "selfish" when you need to be. (I apologize if this is an incorrect assumption on my part.) Good luck!

If I spent hours preparing an elaborate meal for a dinner party, and one of my guests--even a good, close friend-- came into my kitchen with their own food, and started cooking, I can't say that I wouldn't be a bit annoyed.

I have friends and family members with medical issues that require dietary restrictions--diabetes, food allergies, watching sodium due to high blood pressure, diverticulitis, high cholesterol, etc. No one has EVER brought their own food to a dinner at my house. Nobody. Ever. Nobody has ever even asked that I prepare something special, or not serve a particular food. Everybody eats what I serve and nobody has died.

I think the OP is engaging in some extreme behavior, and I second the recommendations for professional help.

I don't think cooking up Aldi skillet meals from the freezer and/or microwaving frozen vegetables constitutes"an elaborate meal for a dinner party." Often, my dinners at friends' houses range from me being over and asked if I want to stay for dinner to "Hey, I'm going to be late getting home from work and my husband needs to go to his thing. Can you come a little early and watch the kids?" I'm rarely invited over FOR dinner. I'm invited over AT dinner. Sometimes, I'll even cook the dinner (or we'll split cooking duties- they'll cook up some kind of meat, and I'll prepare some roasted vegetables or a salad as a side-dish).

Well, seeing as I am unemployed, "professional help" is a bit out of my price range. That's why I decided to opt for a more affordable route.

I have no issue with making some requests- like asking if I can get a bowl of chili BEFORE they add the white rice to it. I have no issues with stopping at the store to grab a bag of frozen broccoli because I'm used to eating an entire bag of vegetables on my own while the family I'm eating with will divide their one bag among the 8 at the table. Again, we're not talking "elaborate dinner party" here. We're talking a weeknight family dinner at a house where, if I'm over around lunchtime, I'm told to look in the refrigerator and fend for myself.

Originally, the idea of cooking my own food and bringing a scale didn't seem that bad. After all, I spend so much time with some of these friends that I'm basically family. Cooking dinner at their houses is like cooking dinner at my own, so it's not like it's a special occasion or anything like that. If I'm invited over for a dinner party or something, then I'm not bringing my food scale. (But, of course, I'm probably not tracking what I'm eating or trying to stay within my Points either).

I'm just burnt out.

ftsolk

snickerscharlie wrote: »

ftsolk wrote: »

I am just tired of not being able to go to a friend's house for dinner without packing a kitchen scale or bringing my own dinner. I'm tired of cooking a separate meal for myself in any social situation- whether it's dinner with friends or a family meal.

Then just stop doing that. Not sure what the issue is, here. You don't have to make yourself feel ripped off all the time in order to lose weight.
Edited to add: I 3rd the suggestion that it might be time for you to get some professional help.

The issue is that if I'm not preparing the food then I don't know how many calories (or points) I'm really eating. That means I'll probably end up hungry because I don't want to go over my calories and gain weight OR I'll say "screw it" and eat too much.

booksandchocolate12

aim_3 wrote: »

booksandchocolate12 wrote: »

If I spent hours preparing an elaborate meal for a dinner party, and one of my guests--even a good, close friend-- came into my kitchen with their own food, and started cooking, I can't say that I wouldn't be a bit annoyed.

I can understand that, but based on the OP, I was under the impression that these aren't dinner parties she is going to every night. More like friendly get-togethers? If I had a group of people over for an informal gathering, I don't think it is a big deal if someone brought their own food.

A big deal? Maybe not. But I find it hard to believe that even at a friendly get-together there is such a dearth of food that the OP could eat, that she'd find it necessary to bring her own food. What do her friends serve at these get togethers? Lard?

There's got to be something there that the OP could eat even in small portions. Healthy and sustainable weight loss requires us to adapt to a variety of situations and not live in the bubble of our own kitchens.

Now, if the OP were taking small portions of what her hosts were serving, and the hosts nagged her about it, "That's all your eating? Have more! Have more!" (also known as "Dinner at my Mother's House"), then that would be a different story. But it doesn't seem like that's the case here.

kshama2001

booksandchocolate12 wrote: »

aim_3 wrote: »

These people are your friends, correct? Are they aware of your goals? If so, ask for their help. Tell them what you need...whether that is advance notice to bring your own food (as in the babysitting situation), or access to their kitchens to cook your own meal, or just the absence of judgement when you bring your food scale. You should never feel guilty or awkward about trying to better yourself. It sounds to me like you are a people pleaser. You worry so much about other people and what they might need from you, that it's hard for you to be "selfish" when you need to be. (I apologize if this is an incorrect assumption on my part.) Good luck!

If I spent hours preparing an elaborate meal for a dinner party, and one of my guests--even a good, close friend-- came into my kitchen with their own food, and started cooking, I can't say that I wouldn't be a bit annoyed.

I have friends and family members with medical issues that require dietary restrictions--diabetes, food allergies, watching sodium due to high blood pressure, diverticulitis, high cholesterol, etc. No one has EVER brought their own food to a dinner at my house. Nobody. Ever. Nobody has ever even asked that I prepare something special, or not serve a particular food. Everybody eats what I serve and nobody has died.

I think the OP is engaging in some extreme behavior, and I second the recommendations for professional help.

See, now I think that's odd, lol. I have a cousin with a nut allergy, and have been accommodating him for decades. We have lots of family potlucks to which people bring food specific to their needs. Last summer we hosted a vegetarian who interrogated all the cooks as to the presence of meat in the dishes and nobody minded. Another person was doing WW, brought her own dish, and asked several of us about our dishes. When we have smaller gatherings, we coordinate ahead of time to make sure everyone will be happy.

When I was the official birthday baker at work, there were two people who expressed that they didn't like the cream cheese frosting on carrot cake or the coconut frosting on German chocolate cake and I made them their own little cakes.

My OH's mother prefers white meat over dark; I prefer dark, and cook both. I like spicy; she doesn't, so when I'm in the mood for spicy, make that, and make her something else.

I've been hearing "the boy with the nuts" story from my cousin for 30 years, and consider making accommodations normal.

Lovee_Dove7

I think you are doing great!
Along the way you have had struggles and overcome them. For example, losing weight seemed impossible, then you worked past challenges and you did it! It's the same for this struggle.