Obsessive/Unhealthy Dieting Relationship

ftsolk
ftsolk Posts: 202 Member
edited November 29 in Health and Weight Loss
I've come to the conclusion that I do not know how to lose weight in a healthy way.

Now, that's not saying that I don't know how to lose weight in a way that's PHYSICALLY healthy. Lean proteins, whole grains, fruits, vegetables, healthy fats. Limit added sugar.

Mentally, however, I'm not there.

I'm down about 20 pounds since October with Weight Watchers which is great, but I've reached a mental roadblock these past few weeks because I'm just DONE.

See, in order to lose those 20 pounds, I've gone a bit insane. I HAVE to be in complete control. If I go over to a friend's house for the day or evening, there's almost certainly going to be food involved.This means I'll do one of the following:

-Bring my own food from home (either to reheat OR ingredients to cook for myself)
-Try to come up with a last-minute meal using what they have on-hand (weighing and measuring everything on my portable food scale).
-Volunteer to cook a Weight Watcher's friendly meal for the entire family

Of course, if I don't do any of the above, then that usually means eating what everyone else is having. Occasionally, I'll do ok with that. Other times, I'll find myself enjoying the break from obsessively weighing and measuring food SO much that I'll lose control.

I don't think bringing a food scale to a friend's house is normal.

Unfortunately, my social life kinda revolves around situations involving food. I have Bible study 2-3 times a week where they serve food, and my schedule doesn't always allow for eating dinner before I get there (and eating after isn't an option). I have breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner at a friend's house several times a week.

Take earlier this week,for example. I had an afternoon babysitting job on Monday that was originally supposed to be from 1 to around 6pm. Afterwards, my plan was to go to Starbucks and eat a Protein bistro box for dinner while working on filling out job applications. Then, my friend asked if I was willing/able to stay late. Of course, I said "yes," but this meant I had to change my dinner plans and cook dinner for the girls. I was also asked if I wanted to spend the night and babysit all day the next day.

Normally, if I was going to do an overnight babysitting job, I would at least pack the INGREDIENTS to prepare food for the time I was there (lunch on Tuesday would've been dinner leftovers from Monday). But I didn't have the time, money, or energy to deal with it.

I am tired of refusing dinner invites, bringing my own food to friends' houses (a bag of steamer veggies when they normally prepare one bag for 8 people,and I usually have a bag to myself is one thing; an entire meal is another), or pulling out a kitchen scale from my purse to find out how much turkey tenderloin I'm eating. I'm tired of eating just enough to get a taste of food, but not eating enough to make a dent in my hunger because I can't figure out the calories/points for the meal and am afraid of going over my limit.

I'm ok with saying "no" at times. I can refuse dessert. I typically skip white pasta and white rice. I'm even ok with bringing some of my own food in certain situations, like in the dinner situation with the veggies, or throwing an apple in my bag when going over to a friends' house early in the morning so I can have an extra serving of fruit with my breakfast. I'm even ok with OCCASIONALLY cooking dinner for my friends (or packing my own food).

But I need to learn how to handle things when I'm not in complete control because

1. I'm not always going to have the luxury of being in complete control over the food I eat UNLESS I give up having a life.
2. Being in complete control like this is exhausting, and I can't do it anymore.
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Replies

  • misskarne
    misskarne Posts: 1,765 Member
    It sounds like you need to seek professional help.
  • positivepowers
    positivepowers Posts: 902 Member
    misskarne wrote: »
    It sounds like you need to seek professional help.

    Agreed. This sounds much deeper than just a food issue.
  • jeepinshawn
    jeepinshawn Posts: 642 Member
    Agreed, sorry but you need a pro. I have been there, depression and anxiety, they can really help.
  • Orphia
    Orphia Posts: 7,097 Member
    ftsolk wrote: »
    Of course, if I don't do any of the above, then that usually means eating what everyone else is having. Occasionally, I'll do ok with that. Other times, I'll find myself enjoying the break from obsessively weighing and measuring food SO much that I'll lose control.

    I think you're pretty normal, really.

    You have good days and bad days like everyone else, and "obsessive" days.

    Some of the obsessive days interfere with your social activities, which is the part that is slightly concerning, but you haven't said how your friends feel about you weighing/cooking food in their homes. If they're OK with it in order for you to get healthy, I don't see a problem.

    Kind regards.
  • chimpy123
    chimpy123 Posts: 40 Member
    edited February 2016
    I have a pretty go-go-go lifestyle too. I pack my food in an insulated lunch box/cooler and keep snacks in my purse (all weighed/measured/portioned out). I have a slow metabolism and have to be careful what I eat in order to lose the weight I need to and I also try to avoid eating fast food/takeout due to nutrition and cost. There is nothing wrong with saying "no thank you" when someone offers you a cupcake or something unhealthy and then eating the portion of nuts you have in your purse instead. And I always pack an "emergency snack" just in case I get caught in a situation where my plans have run long and I'm ravenous and might give in to something unhealthy. If you are dining with friends possibly bring a salad for the group or some other healthy option so that you always have something in case people are eating stuff that you don't want to. And rather than weighing everything at a friends house try and look into the estimating method using the size of your hand - ex. one portion of protein is the size of your palm
  • pootle1972
    pootle1972 Posts: 579 Member
    Do you HAVE to be so busy.....3 bible study classes...are they part of a class or just part of the church....you need to make time for YOU. God will understand if you only went to one.
  • pinggolfer96
    pinggolfer96 Posts: 2,248 Member
    You can't let food control your life. I would actually suggest breaking away from MFP if it's causing that obsession. Just eat mindfully, healthy, and common sense portions. Listen to you bodies cues when you're hungry
  • cbihatt
    cbihatt Posts: 319 Member
    These people are your friends, correct? Are they aware of your goals? If so, ask for their help. Tell them what you need...whether that is advance notice to bring your own food (as in the babysitting situation), or access to their kitchens to cook your own meal, or just the absence of judgement when you bring your food scale. You should never feel guilty or awkward about trying to better yourself. It sounds to me like you are a people pleaser. You worry so much about other people and what they might need from you, that it's hard for you to be "selfish" when you need to be. (I apologize if this is an incorrect assumption on my part.) Good luck!
  • booksandchocolate12
    booksandchocolate12 Posts: 1,741 Member
    aim_3 wrote: »
    These people are your friends, correct? Are they aware of your goals? If so, ask for their help. Tell them what you need...whether that is advance notice to bring your own food (as in the babysitting situation), or access to their kitchens to cook your own meal, or just the absence of judgement when you bring your food scale. You should never feel guilty or awkward about trying to better yourself. It sounds to me like you are a people pleaser. You worry so much about other people and what they might need from you, that it's hard for you to be "selfish" when you need to be. (I apologize if this is an incorrect assumption on my part.) Good luck!

    If I spent hours preparing an elaborate meal for a dinner party, and one of my guests--even a good, close friend-- came into my kitchen with their own food, and started cooking, I can't say that I wouldn't be a bit annoyed.

    I have friends and family members with medical issues that require dietary restrictions--diabetes, food allergies, watching sodium due to high blood pressure, diverticulitis, high cholesterol, etc. No one has EVER brought their own food to a dinner at my house. Nobody. Ever. Nobody has ever even asked that I prepare something special, or not serve a particular food. Everybody eats what I serve and nobody has died.

    I think the OP is engaging in some extreme behavior, and I second the recommendations for professional help.
  • Ninkyou
    Ninkyou Posts: 6,666 Member
    Based on your posting history, I think you should seek professional help.

    Time and time again the users of MFP have given you great advice only to be ignored and tossed to the side. Since you really don't want to listen to what we have to say, I can only hope you'll listen to a professional. You've been at this for years (and under other accounts) and you still are not getting anywhere. You're still talking about the same things as all of the other times and still making alot of excuses. There comes a point where if you can't do it on your own it's time to find help.
  • ftsolk
    ftsolk Posts: 202 Member
    My friends have no problem with me bringing my own food and kitchen scale. I even have friends who will often not offer me dessert so they aren't tempting me. Sometimes, last-minute food situations can't be helped (like with the babysitting job earlier in the week; it was a last-minute thing).

    Of course, it's a little harder at my one Bible study (the one for young adults, the 18-29 year olds), but that's also the one that starts later, so eating beforehand isn't as impossible. Still, for the most part, my friends are extremely supportive of me.

    I am just tired of not being able to go to a friend's house for dinner without packing a kitchen scale or bringing my own dinner. I'm tired of cooking a separate meal for myself in any social situation- whether it's dinner with friends or a family meal.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    I'd bring my scale. It may feel awkward at first, and people will ask questions, but you'll get over it. I bring my scale when I go to Mom's, which I do regularly. I don't for the occasional big family get-together, but if I had regular things like you do, I sure would.
  • queenliz99
    queenliz99 Posts: 15,317 Member
    Ninkyou wrote: »
    Based on your posting history, I think you should seek professional help.

    Time and time again the users of MFP have given you great advice only to be ignored and tossed to the side. Since you really don't want to listen to what we have to say, I can only hope you'll listen to a professional. You've been at this for years (and under other accounts) and you still are not getting anywhere. You're still talking about the same things as all of the other times and still making alot of excuses. There comes a point where if you can't do it on your own it's time to find help.

    Seconding this
  • cbihatt
    cbihatt Posts: 319 Member
    If I spent hours preparing an elaborate meal for a dinner party, and one of my guests--even a good, close friend-- came into my kitchen with their own food, and started cooking, I can't say that I wouldn't be a bit annoyed.

    I can understand that, but based on the OP, I was under the impression that these aren't dinner parties she is going to every night. More like friendly get-togethers? If I had a group of people over for an informal gathering, I don't think it is a big deal if someone brought their own food.
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
    edited February 2016
    ftsolk wrote: »
    I am just tired of not being able to go to a friend's house for dinner without packing a kitchen scale or bringing my own dinner. I'm tired of cooking a separate meal for myself in any social situation- whether it's dinner with friends or a family meal.
    Then just stop doing that. Not sure what the issue is, here. You don't have to make yourself feel ripped off all the time in order to lose weight.
    Edited to add: I 3rd the suggestion that it might be time for you to get some professional help.
  • ftsolk
    ftsolk Posts: 202 Member
    aim_3 wrote: »
    These people are your friends, correct? Are they aware of your goals? If so, ask for their help. Tell them what you need...whether that is advance notice to bring your own food (as in the babysitting situation), or access to their kitchens to cook your own meal, or just the absence of judgement when you bring your food scale. You should never feel guilty or awkward about trying to better yourself. It sounds to me like you are a people pleaser. You worry so much about other people and what they might need from you, that it's hard for you to be "selfish" when you need to be. (I apologize if this is an incorrect assumption on my part.) Good luck!

    If I spent hours preparing an elaborate meal for a dinner party, and one of my guests--even a good, close friend-- came into my kitchen with their own food, and started cooking, I can't say that I wouldn't be a bit annoyed.

    I have friends and family members with medical issues that require dietary restrictions--diabetes, food allergies, watching sodium due to high blood pressure, diverticulitis, high cholesterol, etc. No one has EVER brought their own food to a dinner at my house. Nobody. Ever. Nobody has ever even asked that I prepare something special, or not serve a particular food. Everybody eats what I serve and nobody has died.

    I think the OP is engaging in some extreme behavior, and I second the recommendations for professional help.

    I don't think cooking up Aldi skillet meals from the freezer and/or microwaving frozen vegetables constitutes"an elaborate meal for a dinner party." Often, my dinners at friends' houses range from me being over and asked if I want to stay for dinner to "Hey, I'm going to be late getting home from work and my husband needs to go to his thing. Can you come a little early and watch the kids?" I'm rarely invited over FOR dinner. I'm invited over AT dinner. Sometimes, I'll even cook the dinner (or we'll split cooking duties- they'll cook up some kind of meat, and I'll prepare some roasted vegetables or a salad as a side-dish).

    Well, seeing as I am unemployed, "professional help" is a bit out of my price range. That's why I decided to opt for a more affordable route.

    I have no issue with making some requests- like asking if I can get a bowl of chili BEFORE they add the white rice to it. I have no issues with stopping at the store to grab a bag of frozen broccoli because I'm used to eating an entire bag of vegetables on my own while the family I'm eating with will divide their one bag among the 8 at the table. Again, we're not talking "elaborate dinner party" here. We're talking a weeknight family dinner at a house where, if I'm over around lunchtime, I'm told to look in the refrigerator and fend for myself.

    Originally, the idea of cooking my own food and bringing a scale didn't seem that bad. After all, I spend so much time with some of these friends that I'm basically family. Cooking dinner at their houses is like cooking dinner at my own, so it's not like it's a special occasion or anything like that. If I'm invited over for a dinner party or something, then I'm not bringing my food scale. (But, of course, I'm probably not tracking what I'm eating or trying to stay within my Points either).

    I'm just burnt out.
  • ftsolk
    ftsolk Posts: 202 Member
    ftsolk wrote: »
    I am just tired of not being able to go to a friend's house for dinner without packing a kitchen scale or bringing my own dinner. I'm tired of cooking a separate meal for myself in any social situation- whether it's dinner with friends or a family meal.
    Then just stop doing that. Not sure what the issue is, here. You don't have to make yourself feel ripped off all the time in order to lose weight.
    Edited to add: I 3rd the suggestion that it might be time for you to get some professional help.

    The issue is that if I'm not preparing the food then I don't know how many calories (or points) I'm really eating. That means I'll probably end up hungry because I don't want to go over my calories and gain weight OR I'll say "screw it" and eat too much.
  • booksandchocolate12
    booksandchocolate12 Posts: 1,741 Member
    aim_3 wrote: »
    If I spent hours preparing an elaborate meal for a dinner party, and one of my guests--even a good, close friend-- came into my kitchen with their own food, and started cooking, I can't say that I wouldn't be a bit annoyed.

    I can understand that, but based on the OP, I was under the impression that these aren't dinner parties she is going to every night. More like friendly get-togethers? If I had a group of people over for an informal gathering, I don't think it is a big deal if someone brought their own food.

    A big deal? Maybe not. But I find it hard to believe that even at a friendly get-together there is such a dearth of food that the OP could eat, that she'd find it necessary to bring her own food. What do her friends serve at these get togethers? Lard?

    There's got to be something there that the OP could eat even in small portions. Healthy and sustainable weight loss requires us to adapt to a variety of situations and not live in the bubble of our own kitchens.

    Now, if the OP were taking small portions of what her hosts were serving, and the hosts nagged her about it, "That's all your eating? Have more! Have more!" (also known as "Dinner at my Mother's House"), then that would be a different story. But it doesn't seem like that's the case here.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    aim_3 wrote: »
    These people are your friends, correct? Are they aware of your goals? If so, ask for their help. Tell them what you need...whether that is advance notice to bring your own food (as in the babysitting situation), or access to their kitchens to cook your own meal, or just the absence of judgement when you bring your food scale. You should never feel guilty or awkward about trying to better yourself. It sounds to me like you are a people pleaser. You worry so much about other people and what they might need from you, that it's hard for you to be "selfish" when you need to be. (I apologize if this is an incorrect assumption on my part.) Good luck!

    If I spent hours preparing an elaborate meal for a dinner party, and one of my guests--even a good, close friend-- came into my kitchen with their own food, and started cooking, I can't say that I wouldn't be a bit annoyed.

    I have friends and family members with medical issues that require dietary restrictions--diabetes, food allergies, watching sodium due to high blood pressure, diverticulitis, high cholesterol, etc. No one has EVER brought their own food to a dinner at my house. Nobody. Ever. Nobody has ever even asked that I prepare something special, or not serve a particular food. Everybody eats what I serve and nobody has died.

    I think the OP is engaging in some extreme behavior, and I second the recommendations for professional help.

    See, now I think that's odd, lol. I have a cousin with a nut allergy, and have been accommodating him for decades. We have lots of family potlucks to which people bring food specific to their needs. Last summer we hosted a vegetarian who interrogated all the cooks as to the presence of meat in the dishes and nobody minded. Another person was doing WW, brought her own dish, and asked several of us about our dishes. When we have smaller gatherings, we coordinate ahead of time to make sure everyone will be happy.

    When I was the official birthday baker at work, there were two people who expressed that they didn't like the cream cheese frosting on carrot cake or the coconut frosting on German chocolate cake and I made them their own little cakes.

    My OH's mother prefers white meat over dark; I prefer dark, and cook both. I like spicy; she doesn't, so when I'm in the mood for spicy, make that, and make her something else.

    I've been hearing "the boy with the nuts" story from my cousin for 30 years, and consider making accommodations normal.
  • Lovee_Dove7
    Lovee_Dove7 Posts: 742 Member
    I think you are doing great!
    Along the way you have had struggles and overcome them. For example, losing weight seemed impossible, then you worked past challenges and you did it! It's the same for this struggle.
  • booksandchocolate12
    booksandchocolate12 Posts: 1,741 Member
    edited February 2016
    @kshama2001 -- Reading my post again, I can see that I sounded a bit callus, like I don't care what my guests want/can't have, etc. That's really not the case.

    Fortunately, the one thing that no one in my family has is a nut allergy. I know those can be severe, and if a guest did have such an allergy, yes, I would be mindful of that.

    But I don't cook with that "no salt" salt substitute because my father-in-law watches his sodium intake. I don't make everything fat-free, sugar-free (taste free). Should I accommodate the whims of my sister-in-law, who is on a different diet craze every time I talk to her?

    I serve a variety of foods. Maybe not everyone can eat everything, but there's something for everyone, know what I mean?

    If we took into account every restriction of every person in our lives, we would just put a jug of water on the table and call it a day.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    @kshama2001 -- Reading my post again, I can see that I sounded a bit callus, like I don't care what my guests want/can't have, etc. That's really not the case.

    Fortunately, the one thing that no one in my family has is a nut allergy. I know those can be severe, and if a guest did have such an allergy, yes, I would accommodate them and serve nut-free dishes.

    But I don't cook with "no salt" because my father-in-law watches his sodium intake. I don't make everything fat-free, sugar-free (taste free). Should I accommodate the whims of my sister-in-law, who is on a different diet craze every time I talk to her?

    I serve a variety of foods. Maybe not everyone can eat everything, but there's something for everyone, know what I mean?

    If we took into account every restriction of every person in our lives, we would just put a jug of water on the table and call it a day.

    Lol about the jug of water. My mother was eating a low fiber diet for a while and about the same time my brother became a vegetarian, so I stopped bringing both of them food for our casual get-togethers and let them do their own thing.

    My future mother-in-law has low sodium salt at her house but I make no effort at all to cook low sodium myself.
  • cbihatt
    cbihatt Posts: 319 Member
    There's got to be something there that the OP could eat even in small portions. Healthy and sustainable weight loss requires us to adapt to a variety of situations and not live in the bubble of our own kitchens.

    Agreed. But, by her own admission, OP finds this difficult.
    ftsolk wrote: »
    The issue is that if I'm not preparing the food then I don't know how many calories (or points) I'm really eating. That means I'll probably end up hungry because I don't want to go over my calories and gain weight OR I'll say "screw it" and eat too much.

    It's not unusual to have an all or nothing attitude toward weight loss, but it will make it harder to lose weight and keep it off. You are the only one who can change your mindset, ftsolk. You have to find a way to make your diet work for you. However, I don't think it unreasonable to bring your own food while you are working on changing your mindset.
  • Wysewoman53
    Wysewoman53 Posts: 582 Member
    edited February 2016
    I guess my question is, as kindly as I can ask it, why would you worry about what others think when you bring your scale to their houses? I have a friend who brings her scale and her own food when we have get-togethers because she knows that the food being served is not in her best interest. Another gentile question: Who are you losing weight for? Is it for yourself or are you always dieting for others so they won't judge you? One thing I have found that works for myself when I know I'm going to eat somewhere else is to watch what I am eating during the day-sort of 'saving' up calories-and then eat about a quarter to a half of what I would normally eat of any 'dinner party foods'. I don't think anyone would be offended if you asked for a smaller plate and avoided some of the higher calorie foods. I know I wouldn't be offended if someone trying to get healthier came to my house to eat. Our get-togethers are for enjoying each others company not judgement over what a person is or is not eating. All that being said, your life seems to be very hectic and whether your friends like it or not, judge you or not, maybe you could just reflect on what part of your schedule can you live without to help avoid stress and exhaustion. Any time we go into stress mode, it's like the fight or flight syndrome all the time. A body has difficulty losing weight if it's stressed all the time. When is the last time you just relaxed, possibly did some deep breathing exercises and had no place to go-your time is your own time, not what somebody else expects of you? When was the last time you were truly happy? Maybe a therapist could help you understand yourself better, as some have mentioned, and maybe get to the root of why you have to be so busy all the time or why food has become sort of a weapon against yourself. Good Luck!
  • Ninkyou
    Ninkyou Posts: 6,666 Member
    ftsolk wrote: »

    Well, seeing as I am unemployed, "professional help" is a bit out of my price range. That's why I decided to opt for a more affordable route.

    http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

    I'm sure there are plenty of free or low cost places that can help you. Even if you do not feel ED fits your personal problem, the resources they provide will lead you into the right direction. You have an unhealthy relationship with yourself and food, you need help.
  • ftsolk
    ftsolk Posts: 202 Member
    I'm not worried about what others think- especially since I know my friends support me. Sometimes- like when they refuse to offer me a slice of cake- I wish they'd support me a little less.

    I, personally, am just TIRED of it. I feel like I'm obsessing over food.

    But if I don't continue to obsess, I end up gaining weight.
  • DoNotSpamMe73
    DoNotSpamMe73 Posts: 286 Member
    Trust me work your way into it and it is okay to screw up. Start with the calories, you'll get bigger portions with much of the 'healthier' things but I suggest food/drink that provide 3 things.
    1. Make you feel fool/satisfied 2. Taste nice & 3. low in calorie overall (If you have no idea just look up stuff with a topic for low calorie e.g. chicken, vegetarian or pasta and you'll find something to nom). If you get used to something a bit lower you will not gain if you go a bit over.
    It is simple but hard, however you have all of us supporting you. I personally lost 20kilograms but between a few months of little exercise, busy and careless overeating I pushed it back up 7 kilos and now down another 2. It all builds. I'm not finished with my weight loss journey but I'm totally willing to do it together. Even if only online :D! Feel free to message, comment etc.
    Good Luck!
  • cbihatt
    cbihatt Posts: 319 Member
    You said you use Weight Watchers. Do you go to meetings? Talk to your leader. If you are doing online only, I know they have an option for a personal coach...
  • booksandchocolate12
    booksandchocolate12 Posts: 1,741 Member
    edited February 2016
    ftsolk wrote: »
    But if I don't continue to obsess, I end up gaining weight.

    Not true. It is possible to strike a balance. "I have to obsess or I will gain weight" is an example of the "all or nothing" thinking that was mentioned up-thread.

    If you don't want to take advantage of the sources that @Ninkyou posted, would you consider investing in a $15 paperback? "The Beck Diet Solution" addresses a lot of food/diet related issues, including "all or nothing" thinking.

    Not all of the exercises were my cup of tea, but I found much of the book helpful.

  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    @ftsolk - I want to get back to the part about you losing 20 pounds since October. That's GREAT! I think you can relax a little.

    I believe on another thread you said you were reading Brian Wansink's "Mindless Eating"? Can you just employ the strategies he suggests when you eat away from home? (And bring the scale when you are comfortable doing so.)
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