married chit-chatters?
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KinkJarfld wrote: »RainaProske wrote: »Love it -- you people who have been married forever. You are great examples for the rest of us. (We two just celebrated our 29th anniversary. I can hardly believe it has been this long -- doesn't seem like it.
Longevity has to do with trust. Wifey and I trust one another explicitly. That is a very comforting feeling.
I respect your opinion but I believe there is more to longevity in a marriage than simply trust. Trust certainly needs to be there but I don't feel it is the only component for longevity.1 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »I flipped out at my wife because she freaked out at my re-arranging some unpacked boxes in the house.... I was moving them to the basement actually... Big escalation followed and ended with broken glasses in the kitchen.
She went back up, and has withdrawn. I cleaned up the floor and I feel like *kitten*. My wife has a temper and so do I. Days like this I wish I never met her.
Thanks for sharing, you are very transparent on the thread here.
I would have a very difficult time handling a relationship where my spouse broke items or cut my favorite tie in half. To me that is one tiny step removed from physical abuse. I give you credit for hanging in there and trying to resolve the issue.3 -
Lonestar5715 wrote: »KinkJarfld wrote: »RainaProske wrote: »Love it -- you people who have been married forever. You are great examples for the rest of us. (We two just celebrated our 29th anniversary. I can hardly believe it has been this long -- doesn't seem like it.
Longevity has to do with trust. Wifey and I trust one another explicitly. That is a very comforting feeling.
I respect your opinion but I believe there is more to longevity in a marriage than simply trust. Trust certainly needs to be there but I don't feel it is the only component for longevity.
I'm a newlywed compared to some (3 years in Nov), but communication and warmth is a big part of it too! Not just that, but any or all of these things may falter from time to time over the course of a lifetime (that's a lot of years!), but remaining committed will see you through.
Just my newbie point of view though.
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Lonestar5715 wrote: »KinkJarfld wrote: »RainaProske wrote: »Love it -- you people who have been married forever. You are great examples for the rest of us. (We two just celebrated our 29th anniversary. I can hardly believe it has been this long -- doesn't seem like it.
Longevity has to do with trust. Wifey and I trust one another explicitly. That is a very comforting feeling.
I respect your opinion but I believe there is more to longevity in a marriage than simply trust. Trust certainly needs to be there but I don't feel it is the only component for longevity.
I'm a newlywed compared to some (3 years in Nov), but communication and warmth is a big part of it too! Not just that, but any or all of these things may falter from time to time over the course of a lifetime (that's a lot of years!), but remaining committed will see you through.
Just my newbie point of view though.
I believe another hugely important factor is the ability to truly forgive and forget. It is a given that two people are going to get on each other's nerves occasionally.
If you don't release those "hurts" or accept the other person's differences than eventually the weight of carrying them and/or "keeping score" becomes insurmountable over decades of marriage and either breeds a toxic environment or the marriage crumbles. Just my $.022 -
Lonestar5715 wrote: »Lonestar5715 wrote: »KinkJarfld wrote: »RainaProske wrote: »Love it -- you people who have been married forever. You are great examples for the rest of us. (We two just celebrated our 29th anniversary. I can hardly believe it has been this long -- doesn't seem like it.
Longevity has to do with trust. Wifey and I trust one another explicitly. That is a very comforting feeling.
I respect your opinion but I believe there is more to longevity in a marriage than simply trust. Trust certainly needs to be there but I don't feel it is the only component for longevity.
I'm a newlywed compared to some (3 years in Nov), but communication and warmth is a big part of it too! Not just that, but any or all of these things may falter from time to time over the course of a lifetime (that's a lot of years!), but remaining committed will see you through.
Just my newbie point of view though.
I believe another hugely important factor is the ability to truly forgive and forget. It is a given that two people are going to get on each other's nerves occasionally.
If you don't release those "hurts" or accept the other person's differences than eventually the weight of carrying them and/or "keeping score" becomes insurmountable over decades of marriage and either breeds a toxic environment or the marriage crumbles. Just my $.02
Forgiveness is key. If you truly love and want to ensure a happy, healthy marriage, then you must forgive. Also, you cannot continue to relive the past, and once you forgive you can't bring it back up.1 -
Agreed. As long as he is the one doing most of the forgiving
jk I think that is true. I get over things fast and so does my husband. I am sure that is a big part of how we've had a great marriage for 20 years.
Cutaway, I did throw a book at my husband once. But I was eight months pregnant. I blame hormones. I still feel bad about it and remember how I felt outside of myself, watching the misbehaviour and unable to stop it. I did feel it was abuse, even though I missed and hit the wall the wall. (Softcovers have a mind of their own.) It was violence.
My teenager went through a phase like that, and I could see he just wasn't in control. My strategy was to not engage. I told him I could see he was very passionate about what he was feeling and I would be happy to listen to all he had to say when he had calmed down and could tell me in a soft voice. I tried to stay as objective as possible, pretending I was a cop or doctor dealing with a crazy person. He didn't get a reaction so he gradually changed his strategy. Now he almost never loses his cool and he never slams doors or punches things. Not sure if that would work in your situation as she's not your child. Hugs!4 -
RunRachelleRun wrote: »My teenager went through a phase like that, and I could see he just wasn't in control. My strategy was to not engage. I told him I could see he was very passionate about what he was feeling and I would be happy to listen to all he had to say when he had calmed down and could tell me in a soft voice. I tried to stay as objective as possible, pretending I was a cop or doctor dealing with a crazy person. He didn't get a reaction so he gradually changed his strategy. Now he almost never loses his cool and he never slams doors or punches things. Not sure if that would work in your situation as she's not your child. Hugs!
Wow, what a cool and effective way to deal with your son. I love that and appreciate you sharing it.1 -
Very true about being forgiving.0
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Gareth6484 wrote: »Hey, Married from England. How is everyone doing on the fitness side of things? Meeting your goals?
Married here, too! One of those long, Hollywood back-story kind of things!
First started dating when I was 15 & he was 16(almost 30 years ago, gulp!), so a lot of history!
I made goal (weight wise) about 1 year ago. Continue to work on fitness goals. MFP keeps me accountable & motivated!1 -
I'm married and a flirt with both men and women. Sorry not sorry! lol0
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ChillaxinChick wrote: »I'm married and a flirt with both men and women. Sorry not sorry! lol
how you doin'? bwahahaha.
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Thanks, @Lonestar5775 ! It took a while to figure out a strategy and not react. I found I had to remove my emotions and approach it from a place of love. I often had to picture him as a cute two-year-old to remind myself he was that person underneath the beast before me.
@Cutaway_Collar Congratulations! That's exciting. Your lives will never be the same. Wishing her a healthy journey!
My husband has a tendency to hurl insults also when he loses his temper. I know he doesn't mean the things he says, but it's annoying because I can see he is just trying to win or justify something he wants/has done. He's lucky; I had three older brothers, so everything just rolls off me. He's more sensitive; I have to be careful with my words or they could have a more lasting effect. He's taught me patience more so than our son lol1 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »@RunRachelleRun
My wife is seven weeks pregnant. Actually I feel terrible for tormenting her at this time. Bad part is that my mother is visiting and all of this happened before her eyes.
I can say hormones but my wife has always had anger issues. I have anger issues too. But I just hurl hurtful sentences and she breaks things. Two days out of 10 she can be batshit crazy. She has anxiety and is on meds and during this pregnancy she has been off the meds.... a lot of things are at play and my mom is visiting for 3 weeks which is long.
Last night we all had dinner and watched tv. Fight is over but I am still bummed but I feel pretty good right now. We have had worse fights... That tie cutting was the worst. She is an angry girl. You don't wanna piss her off but it has not put any structural faults in my marriage. Sometimes we fight like animals but we always come back together.
Also, you only hear my side of the story....
On the pregnancy, it has been our best kept secret. We had too many miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy which was rough. We have been married 3 years and so much has happened. Too many tragedies, lot of fights but the ship still is sailing pretty good.
Pregnancy is physically very challenging plus hormones and stress. And having family visit while going through it.
Congratulations! Sorry for the previous challenges.
Having kids adds stress. It's also an important reason to get the fighting under control.0 -
Congrats on the pregnancy!0
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I remember the first time I 'snapped' on the hubs. I instantly felt bad right as I did it, but it only exacerbated my rage -- as I was then angry at myself and wanted to cry for having yelled at him -- but I kept yelling because at this point it's too late to halt your anger mid-screaming-point and you don't want to admit defeat in the midst of that rage, so you keep going and screaming 'valid' points to substantiate why he deserved to be raged at to begin with.
After all of that, he was just very calm and catering. I knew then he was a keeper and I since have learned to stop yelling or 'snapping'.5 -
Guns_N_Buns wrote: »I remember the first time I 'snapped' on the hubs. I instantly felt bad right as I did it, but it only exacerbated my rage -- as I was then angry at myself and wanted to cry for having yelled at him -- but I kept yelling because at this point it's too late to halt your anger mid-screaming-point and you don't want to admit defeat in the midst of that rage, so you keep going and screaming 'valid' points to substantiate why he deserved to be raged at to begin with.
After all of that, he was just very calm and catering. I knew then he was a keeper and I since have learned to stop yelling or 'snapping'.
That's awesome that you altered your behavior going forward in spite of knowing your husband would not react negatively. That's a sure sign of maturity when someone wants to change themselves rather than others.2 -
jenibethbu wrote: »Gareth6484 wrote: »Hey, Married from England. How is everyone doing on the fitness side of things? Meeting your goals?
Married here, too! One of those long, Hollywood back-story kind of things! First started dating when I was 15 & he was 16(almost 30 years ago, gulp!), so a lot of history!
I made goal (weight wise) about 1 year ago. Continue to work on fitness goals. MFP keeps me accountable & motivated!
@jenibethbu , You rock, lady! My son started similarly, scaring me half to death! She was my little Sunday school student, still fairly fresh to the U.S., about age 12 (maybe younger), when he "got eyes" for her. He is a year older. They looked a bit at others over time but always returned to each other then stayed together from about ages 15/16. I hoped they would still wait to marry, then they married at about 21/22. Would it last?? Yes! They are still married after 18 years. (Some of my numbers may be off.) And they are such a delight to watch! So in love! I am so grateful! They have three children.
I am thankful for you and your attitude, example, and life!0 -
@Lonestar5715 --
You are so encouraging and insightful! Thank you so much for what you write.0 -
RainaProske wrote: »@Lonestar5715 --
You are so encouraging and insightful! Thank you so much for what you write.
Thank you Raina for the kind words. I enjoy the thread and all that people are willing to share about such a personal subject. I think it is possible to learn from other's experience and to gain encouragement knowing others struggle and persevere through hard times too.1 -
Guns_N_Buns wrote: »I remember the first time I 'snapped' on the hubs. I instantly felt bad right as I did it, but it only exacerbated my rage -- as I was then angry at myself and wanted to cry for having yelled at him -- but I kept yelling because at this point it's too late to halt your anger mid-screaming-point and you don't want to admit defeat in the midst of that rage, so you keep going and screaming 'valid' points to substantiate why he deserved to be raged at to begin with.
After all of that, he was just very calm and catering. I knew then he was a keeper and I since have learned to stop yelling or 'snapping'.
Ha, this is a very accurate description. It's great that you found someone who brought out your best!2 -
Love and trust go hand in hand in my book. how can you love someone you can't trust? BUT Longevity is am matter of forgiveness... YOU have to be able to put "it" behind you and move on, otherwise "it" piles up until the distance between each other is too great to bridge. Trust, is about being able to speak your mind, knowing that you won't be judged, that what you say or what you hear is coming from a place of caring. After all you didn't become involved with this person to have someone convenient and at hand to run down when you are in a *kitten* mood...or did you? or did they? Love... is about being there... supportive, not saying I told you so... but give it another try... or lets try something else... Love is NOT giving in or giving up... it's seeing her or him every day and marveling at how comforting it is to wake up to that person...
I have been married for more than 17 years... not every day is filled with love or trust, or even forgiveness... BUT the good days outweigh the bad... and in the end I trust her with everything that I am and have... We're both human... at the end of the day... we forgive each other for that fault.1 -
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Still married. Even after Vegas.
Suffice to say, that place is much better left off to young deviant punks.3 -
Lonestar5715 wrote: »Guns_N_Buns wrote: »I remember the first time I 'snapped' on the hubs. I instantly felt bad right as I did it, but it only exacerbated my rage -- as I was then angry at myself and wanted to cry for having yelled at him -- but I kept yelling because at this point it's too late to halt your anger mid-screaming-point and you don't want to admit defeat in the midst of that rage, so you keep going and screaming 'valid' points to substantiate why he deserved to be raged at to begin with.
After all of that, he was just very calm and catering. I knew then he was a keeper and I since have learned to stop yelling or 'snapping'.
That's awesome that you altered your behavior going forward in spite of knowing your husband would not react negatively. That's a sure sign of maturity when someone wants to change themselves rather than others.
Thanks! I guess I was always used to people just yelling back, but when they don't reciprocate that anger, it really brings to light how erratic you're being for no logical reason. He's definitely made me a better person, as I him, as it should be.4 -
My husband says very hurtful things when he gets angry, and a lot of the time he doesn't remember what insults he has hurled at everyone. In the beginning of relationship it used to upset me but we went for counseling and I have learnt to tell him what an a-hole he was and what he said that was hurtful (of course after the rant ). And during his rant I usually just walk away and don't take anything personally, he has learnt to apologize0
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Okay. My husband and I have two verbal fights throughout our marriage. Arguments and disagreements, plenty! We actually enjoy those, but verbal fights: two.
So the last time we had one, it happened to be the very day I'd received these in the mail: dental mouth openers. So I asked him to wait a moment, then ran to my bathroom, and put one in my mouth, then came out and started arguing loudly with him. He laughed and laughed. So did I. It relieved the tension, of course, and we finished our strong argument afterward.
I have a progressive illness that I am told will tend to make me moody and depressed. I don't want that to be between us, so I bought these things to use in the future, and loved it when I already had an opportunity to use one. Humor works, but, of course, it doesn't totally diffuse a problem; problems still need to be worked out.
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/party-game-dental-mouth-openers_uk_57347657e4b01359f686995d1 -
Oh yeah. When I was younger, and we had a new baby, and he was very stressed finishing his PhD... things got tense a few times. So, instead of yelling, I would sing. So, it wouldn't be disruptive to our baby. It also made him laugh (if I sang in funny voices). And made him happy, so he wouldn't be feeling mad. And I would sing what I was feeling upset or frustrated about and then he could hear me and understand from a happy place without anger getting in the way. And it really worked.2
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Married here too. Probably most people are married on here. Just a bunch don't act like they are. Not looking. Probably breaks all your hearts.
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »Do you know how it feels when you want to buy a cool plate off the crate and barrell sale rack and eat rice off of it and your wife disallows it.
"We should buy a whole place setting. Or else you are ruining my kitchen"
Double U Tee Eff
Lol
Your wife is a saint to put up with you!!! My husband is famous for using the "good towels" when I'm out of town.2 -
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