married chit-chatters?

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  • TonyB0588
    TonyB0588 Posts: 9,520 Member
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    thenananator wrote: »
    Met July 1982. Engaged in August 1982 - our parents freaked out! Waited to get married until July 1985. Had first daughter in 1987 and then adopted 3 more kids after that, the most recent one adopted last year. Secrets to our 31 years: 1. DO NOT fight over money. Ever. (whether we had any or not. We are on the same team man) 2. Laugh our arses off about stuff that we really should not laugh about, like cancer diagnosis (we laughed) 3. Lots of great you-know-what

    Thanks for posting. I was almost feeling strange with so many on here at 3 years or 6 years.
    Its 1988 to 2016 for me, and still counting .............

    And I agree with your 1, 2, 3, list above.
  • thenananator
    thenananator Posts: 273 Member
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    TonyB0588 wrote: »
    thenananator wrote: »
    Met July 1982. Engaged in August 1982 - our parents freaked out! Waited to get married until July 1985. Had first daughter in 1987 and then adopted 3 more kids after that, the most recent one adopted last year. Secrets to our 31 years: 1. DO NOT fight over money. Ever. (whether we had any or not. We are on the same team man) 2. Laugh our arses off about stuff that we really should not laugh about, like cancer diagnosis (we laughed) 3. Lots of great you-know-what

    Thanks for posting. I was almost feeling strange with so many on here at 3 years or 6 years.
    Its 1988 to 2016 for me, and still counting .............

    And I agree with your 1, 2, 3, list above.

    We aint no rookies :wink:
  • msunat97
    msunat97 Posts: 511 Member
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    hey peeps!
  • mkakids
    mkakids Posts: 1,913 Member
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    supernurse_84 wrote: »
    @lonestar
    I have one boy and two girls. It's worked out ok. He feels useless letting his wife work while he stays home but agrees it's best for our kids. I don't harp at him about dinner on the table and a clean house because I know if roles were reversed it would tick me off. He is planning to have chicken houses built soon so he will work from home and I work stop working to be a SAHM once they are paid for. So far so good. We make it work.

    I feel like that as a SAHM....like its 'nothing'. Logically i know thats not true, but its hard to get over that mindset.
  • synchkat
    synchkat Posts: 37,369 Member
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    Timshel_ wrote: »
    still married.

    Me too. But he goes away next week. yay
  • RainaProske
    RainaProske Posts: 636 Member
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    Reality, for those stay-at-home-parents, is that this is the most important job in the household.

    A lot of people bend over backwards, trying to make parents who stay with the children feel better about their work. Where does that come from? Since when must we make silly attempts to appease them? Probably started in the mid-60s when women were shamed for not working outside the home, and it was unheard of for men to take care of their own children. Often, when men took care of their children, we called it "baby sitting." I still hear and read that term being used! We should be ashamed.

  • MTgal477
    MTgal477 Posts: 829 Member
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    Married here...for now. Ha! But really, let's get serious...we've been together for almost 11 years, married for 8 and have 2 kids (5 &7). I've been working on losing weight and becoming a healthier me since January, so far I've lost 42 pounds and about 25 inches all over. Awesome, right??! Well my hubby doesn't think so, or at least he never says anything to me about the changes I've made. I feel like a new, totally sexy woman and he refuses to comment on any of it! WTH?! He also doesn't want to work on himself....he's 6'3" and probably pushing 300 pounds! A big guy right? And he has noooo desire to change anything about his eating habits or to start exercising. I feel like I'm completely alone in this. And now that I'm feeling better than ever and looking hotter than I ever have, I'm not even sure I'm attracted to him now....have any of you dealt with this feeling? Like I almost feel too good for him, as if he didn't deserve me....seems selfish, but is it really? Especially if he's not giving me attention and complimenting me and encouraging me along this journey? And he's not working on improving himself any....if anything I'd say he's on a downward spiral. I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought becoming a sexier, healthier me would help our relationship but I see that it's completely driven us apart.....
  • mkakids
    mkakids Posts: 1,913 Member
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    RainaProske wrote: »
    Reality, for those stay-at-home-parents, is that this is the most important job in the household.

    A lot of people bend over backwards, trying to make parents who stay with the children feel better about their work. Where does that come from? Since when must we make silly attempts to appease them? Probably started in the mid-60s when women were shamed for not working outside the home, and it was unheard of for men to take care of their own children. Often, when men took care of their children, we called it "baby sitting." I still hear and read that term being used! We should be ashamed.

    I find the opposite to be true. I regularly get derisive comments about being a SAHM.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    Don't mind me. I had a little wine earlier. Apparently it makes me swear and then get mad at mfp for censoring my swears. I have a very low tolerance for alcohol also.
  • DarlingNikki2011
    DarlingNikki2011 Posts: 287 Member
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    mntnwmn477 wrote: »
    Married here...for now. Ha! But really, let's get serious...we've been together for almost 11 years, married for 8 and have 2 kids (5 &7). I've been working on losing weight and becoming a healthier me since January, so far I've lost 42 pounds and about 25 inches all over. Awesome, right??! Well my hubby doesn't think so, or at least he never says anything to me about the changes I've made. I feel like a new, totally sexy woman and he refuses to comment on any of it! WTH?! He also doesn't want to work on himself....he's 6'3" and probably pushing 300 pounds! A big guy right? And he has noooo desire to change anything about his eating habits or to start exercising. I feel like I'm completely alone in this. And now that I'm feeling better than ever and looking hotter than I ever have, I'm not even sure I'm attracted to him now....have any of you dealt with this feeling? Like I almost feel too good for him, as if he didn't deserve me....seems selfish, but is it really? Especially if he's not giving me attention and complimenting me and encouraging me along this journey? And he's not working on improving himself any....if anything I'd say he's on a downward spiral. I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought becoming a sexier, healthier me would help our relationship but I see that it's completely driven us apart.....

    First...congratulations on your great progress!!! I'm sorry to know you are going thru this. I haven't made accolades even close to what you have, but I have the same issue with lack of support from the hubz. Only my hubz is one of those naturally smaller framed people so he struggles to gain weight. (Go figure!)

    Nevertheless, I have also been contemplating how this lack of support is affecting me. It makes you look at that person differently, right? But I wonder if your hubz behavior is due to a sense of insecurity. Do you think that maybe he thinks your changes mean you aren't happy with him? Or that you want to leave him? Although I doubt you've said it to him, oftentimes when change occurs the other half becomes self-conscious because their spouse is "leaving them behind."

    His behavior now may make you look at him differently, but what was he like before? Did he compliment you then? And did you have a problem with his weight before? While I believe he should support you 100%... if you love him try looking at it from his side. Do you think there is anything that could push him into a healthier lifestyle? If he doesnt support and appreciate your journey (which helps you AND them), then it isn't being selfish. But the optimist in me hopes that he will realize what this means for both of you and your relationship.

    I think change is harder on some than others, but I hope for both of us there are ways around it. Maybe the old fashioned sit down talk? Maybe a little distance? Maybe change his meals (assuming you do some cooking), so that he sees some change in his weight that inspites him and opens his eyes?

    Clearly, I have no answers. Hopefully, you have something do think about. Good luck in your venture. Maybe another guy can give us some insight!
  • MTgal477
    MTgal477 Posts: 829 Member
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    Thanks for your response @DarlingNikki2011
    I also thought that maybe he was just feeling insecure since I've made all these changes in myself, but to me that doesn't excuse the lack of support and feelings coming from him. If anything, you think he'd WANT to compliment me to reassure me that he still loves me and is still attracted to me, if not even more, so that I WON'T leave him!
    But, you made a good point above by asking how he was before and if he ever complimented me then....and I guess I'd have to say that no, he never really has (except in the beginning of the relationship, like most people do). So maybe that's just who he is? Another question you asked, about if I had a problem with HIS weight before and my answer to that is no. I've always told him how sexy he is, always made him feel loved and wanted (when we met I'd say he was about 230lbs)....but now that I'm so much different and I'm working on a better me, I'm almost repulsed by him now. I don't know if I'm disgusted with him because he won't even TRY to lose weight and be healthier or if I'm actually just not even attracted to him anymore.
    And I do about 95% of the cooking in our house. So I do make healthier meals for us, but it's his portion control that gets him in trouble. Even when I mention to him that he should not have so much and maybe eat the salad instead, he doesn't seem to listen.
    After we eat dinner I head downstairs and start my workouts and he choses to sit on the couch and watch tv. I've asked him to join me and his excuse is that he's "too big" for the machines (elliptical/treadmill)....but, he could always start with pushups or something.....just DO SOMETHING. But he won't. I feel like we're in different worlds most of the time and like I'm living with a roommate, not my husband.
    I never thought I'd make it as far as I've come with my physique and I'm determined to go even further, do even better, and I don't see us doing it together and that's going to be a problem. I'm just lost right now.
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,841 Member
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    mntnwmn477 wrote: »
    Married here...for now... I feel like a new, totally sexy woman and he refuses to comment on any of it!...I feel like I'm completely alone in this...I'm feeling better than ever and looking hotter than I ever have, I'm not even sure I'm attracted to him now....I almost feel too good for him, as if he didn't deserve me....seems selfish...he's not giving me attention and complimenting me and encouraging me...he's not working on improving himself any....if anything I'd say he's on a downward spiral...I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought becoming a sexier, healthier me would help our relationship but I see that it's completely driven us apart.....

    Sounds like you have a foot and a whole "sexier" body already out the door and are on that slippery slope to cheating, if it hasn't already happened. Sorry to hear. I understand that getting back in shape gives you a lot of confidence and a TON of attention, which feels amazing. But it also can distract you from more important things in relationships. If your being healthy becomes an issue, I would hate to see what would happen in sickness or something more devastating.

    Not judging because I know the feeling, but there is a bit of reality you should consider there as you move forward in life. I've been there, and still muddle with it.

    You've done AMAZING for your body, and mad props on the hard work. But you need to figure out the mind and spirit part to feel better aligned.

    Wishing you the best.

  • MTgal477
    MTgal477 Posts: 829 Member
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    Thanks for the response @Timshel_
    Yeah, I suppose I already have a foot out the door, I'm stuck in the middle not sure which way to go.
    Our marriage wasn't a 100% before I started this new lifestyle and I honestly thought that by improving myself that it would improve us and I guess I'm just disappointed to see that it hasn't done a damn thing. Other than make me realize that maybe I deserve someone who can SHOW me and TELL me that they want to be with me, that they're attracted to me and to just be on the same path as I am.
    We've been through the sicknesses/devastation (with me having had cancer 5 years ago which resulted in a hysterectomy) and we came out of that just fine. We were there for each other then, and I'm just surprised that he's not here for me now during this new adventure in my life.
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,841 Member
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    mntnwmn477 wrote: »
    We've been through the sicknesses/devastation (with me having had cancer 5 years ago which resulted in a hysterectomy) and we came out of that just fine. We were there for each other then, and I'm just surprised that he's not here for me now during this new adventure in my life.

    That's where love is, in the worst of times. I just find lust, pridefullness, and more superficial things come to focus during the really god times. It gets confusing and distracting.

    You ever think maybe he is threatened by your progress, or is having personal issues himself? I know you've had such a hard battle with cancer, but if he was right there with you he could be emotionally, mentally, and spiritually worn down too and hasn't rebounded.

    Just throwing things out there. I don't know you or the real situation. I just know from seeing so many similar situations around me...it's simply a choice to go or stay. For respect for each other it should be clear which it is so you can both properly move forward or move on.

    Again, all the best.

  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,841 Member
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    Anywho...

    Still married.
  • cross2bear
    cross2bear Posts: 1,106 Member
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    mntnwmn477 wrote: »
    Thanks for the response @Timshel_
    Yeah, I suppose I already have a foot out the door, I'm stuck in the middle not sure which way to go.
    Our marriage wasn't a 100% before I started this new lifestyle and I honestly thought that by improving myself that it would improve us and I guess I'm just disappointed to see that it hasn't done a damn thing. Other than make me realize that maybe I deserve someone who can SHOW me and TELL me that they want to be with me, that they're attracted to me and to just be on the same path as I am.
    We've been through the sicknesses/devastation (with me having had cancer 5 years ago which resulted in a hysterectomy) and we came out of that just fine. We were there for each other then, and I'm just surprised that he's not here for me now during this new adventure in my life.

    You need to decide if you are better off with him or without him..............but I would give the poor schmuck a chance by telling him how you are feeling - unappreciated, unloved, ignored, and see what he says - he may be oblivious to all this.
  • Lonestar5715
    Lonestar5715 Posts: 466 Member
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    mkakids wrote: »
    supernurse_84 wrote: »
    @lonestar
    I have one boy and two girls. It's worked out ok. He feels useless letting his wife work while he stays home but agrees it's best for our kids. I don't harp at him about dinner on the table and a clean house because I know if roles were reversed it would tick me off. He is planning to have chicken houses built soon so he will work from home and I work stop working to be a SAHM once they are paid for. So far so good. We make it work.

    I feel like that as a SAHM....like its 'nothing'. Logically i know thats not true, but its hard to get over that mindset.

    @mkakids I can only imagine the isolation and lack of significance you feel when you look at your typical day and the seemingly little effect you have on your children at the end of the day.......BUT, I can say I am the product of a SAHM and will be forever grateful for the sacrifice my mom made to be a huge part of us kids' lives (there were 4 of us).

    Looking back I think it was the security of knowing she would be there and as we grew up to realize how large and scary the world could be, it was comforting to have her there as a stable constant influence and assurance that things would work out when we learned life's hard lessons.

    It is incredibly hard to see the tiny incremental steps your child is making in their development when you see them everyday. It is like being unable to see their physical growth because it happens so incrementally. But believe me, you are truly doing a world of good to your children. Kudos to you and hold your head high. There is a quote that says, "The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world." I believe it completely!
  • MTgal477
    MTgal477 Posts: 829 Member
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    You need to decide if you are better off with him or without him..............but I would give the poor schmuck a chance by telling him how you are feeling - unappreciated, unloved, ignored, and see what he says - he may be oblivious to all this.[/quote]

    I've told him a few times already how I'm feeling and he knows exactly what I want and need and yet, still nothing. So he's not oblivious.
  • Lonestar5715
    Lonestar5715 Posts: 466 Member
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    mntnwmn477 wrote: »
    Married here...for now. Ha! But really, let's get serious...we've been together for almost 11 years, married for 8 and have 2 kids (5 &7). I've been working on losing weight and becoming a healthier me since January, so far I've lost 42 pounds and about 25 inches all over. Awesome, right??! Well my hubby doesn't think so, or at least he never says anything to me about the changes I've made. I feel like a new, totally sexy woman and he refuses to comment on any of it! WTH?! He also doesn't want to work on himself....he's 6'3" and probably pushing 300 pounds! A big guy right? And he has noooo desire to change anything about his eating habits or to start exercising. I feel like I'm completely alone in this. And now that I'm feeling better than ever and looking hotter than I ever have, I'm not even sure I'm attracted to him now....have any of you dealt with this feeling? Like I almost feel too good for him, as if he didn't deserve me....seems selfish, but is it really? Especially if he's not giving me attention and complimenting me and encouraging me along this journey? And he's not working on improving himself any....if anything I'd say he's on a downward spiral. I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought becoming a sexier, healthier me would help our relationship but I see that it's completely driven us apart.....

    @mntnwmn477 hmmm, I wish I was able to give some advice but after having been through some martial ups and downs myself I realize how difficult it is to understand the dynamics going on in any relationship when viewing it from the outside.

    The one bit of advice I have read thus far which is certainly wise in any season of life is to take your time and do your best to look at the problem(s) with an unbiased eye. Congratulations on having made such great progress in taking control of your health, I wish you only the best no matter what decision you ultimately make.

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