Lost sex drive?
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It's called marriage ....3
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I've been with my wife from 10 years. Been married for almost 3, the sex is better now then it has ever been and keeps getting better as time goes by. Communicating with your spouse is going to be a huge thing here that most people overlook in the bedroom. Having a kid and dealing with the added stress of that is going to throw off your primal hormones, and now your maternal hormones kick in, and tbh maternal hormones seem to over power primal hormones so much that if you guys don't do something drastic, this could just end up being what your sex life is like for the rest of your marriage.
It sounds to me like your husband is really gonna have to focus on trying to seduce you, or atleast put in enough of an effort at getting you in the mood, to where out of appreciation for what he is trying to do, you in turn try to reciprocate. Appreciation is everything when it comes to great sex. Having someone who's sole focus is pleasing you in the bedroom, and not focusing on their own needs is enough to get anyone in the mood. It can be a one sided thing sometimes, which is perfectly fine, but not all the time.
Like other people have suggested, working out, or staying active is a surefire way to move in the right direction. Just remember that your husband is the only person you are with, while there is obviously boundaries with everything, try bringing things in a different direction. Maybe the way you guys have gone about the foreplay is stale, or you just haven't had enough time alone with each other and the kids out of your way.
Life is short, you should take the time to enjoy each other.4 -
Working out usually increases sex drive--- especially after leg day. lol Sounds like you are more stressed than you realize.1
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losing weight makes me more confident so definitely an increase as the pounds go down.1
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The more sex you have the more sex you'll want to have! If you can focus and make it a priority you can manipulate yourself into a "Gotta have my husband" mind frame.4
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cassiecalhoun wrote: »Okay, I'm married with two kids. Been married for 5 years. Kids are 1 & 3. I haven't had a sex drive in... Over 6 months? All I want is to want sex again. And don't get me wrong, when I do have sex, it's good stuff. I just can't remember the last time I felt like I had to have it.
I'm hoping that eating better /working out will help, but I've not heard anyone mention that as a bonus side effect. I've not gained a lot of weight (currently 135), not super stressed... I don't get it.
Has anyone noticed a boost in that department??
(wasn't too sure which thread would be best for this, so I chose the most open - minded one)
Have you ever had your thyroid levels checked? Something to look into if not.
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TannedTiger wrote: »If she lost the sex drive so be it!
Why is everyone freaking out.
Its not natural and she wants to have it back...0 -
Being in much better shape will increase your libido but it won't be the miracle cure for a sex drive that's affected by stressors. Kids, work and the like, as well as getting into a rut, can kill your sex drive. A lot of it may be hormonal, psychological, or just being tired or stressed. Set aside one night out of the week where it's just you and your significant other, where you can do something exciting and romantic, get in shape and focus on those things that you both found exciting and inticing about each other to begin with. Do somethin fun and different.2
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AdmireDeVoll wrote: »The more sex you have the more sex you'll want to have! If you can focus and make it a priority you can manipulate yourself into a "Gotta have my husband" mind frame.
how long does this generally take? Asking for a friend.1 -
i have no idea
ive lost 150ish pounds and my sex drive is i would say only slightly higher than it was when i was a extra fat muffin
i dont know ive always had periods of "i literally do not care at all about sex" and then periods of "im going to bang every single person i want for at least 3 years ok bye"
have you talked to your husband about it?4 -
You still have rather young kiddos 1 and 3 ..... I am sure they still wear you out. As the get older and not need you for everything you will find you have a little more time to yourself, it helps. More rested and a less stressed out momma is always a good thing. Working out, taking better care of yourself (we all know as moms we put us last), more sleep yeah your sex drive will come back .salembambi wrote: »i have no idea
ive lost 150ish pounds and my sex drive is i would say only slightly higher than it was when i was a extra fat muffin
i dont know ive always had periods of "i literally do not care at all about sex" and then periods of "im going to bang every single person i want for at least 3 years ok bye"
have you talked to your husband about it?
@salembambi I love your post because it is so true0 -
Unfortunately it has gone up quite a bit.0
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I have lost about 32 lbs and I have noticed that everything seems to work better. I have an increased drive and feel that I am in really good shape. I have been lifting weights and with that comes an increase in testosterone levels which would explain the drive. I am no Dr. but it would make sense that this would work for men and women as you build muscle your T-levels increase. Best of luck,,, your beautiful by the way.. keep doing what ever it is your doing.
maybe this is why mfp is a dating site . . .2 -
cassiecalhoun wrote: »Okay, I'm married with two kids. Been married for 5 years. Kids are 1 & 3. I haven't had a sex drive in... Over 6 months? All I want is to want sex again. And don't get me wrong, when I do have sex, it's good stuff. I just can't remember the last time I felt like I had to have it.
I'm hoping that eating better /working out will help, but I've not heard anyone mention that as a bonus side effect. I've not gained a lot of weight (currently 135), not super stressed... I don't get it.
Has anyone noticed a boost in that department??
(wasn't too sure which thread would be best for this, so I chose the most open - minded one)
Cassie, you should discuss this with your OB/GYN. It is unusual to have that drive drop so suddenly.
If no underlying cause is found (i.e., the lack of sex drive is idiopathic), there are new medications available to increase female libido, specifically flibanserin (Addyi). See: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/298349.php0 -
study states that they dont even know if it works,not to mention you can have insomnia and dry mouth along with other issues. yeah thats something I really want to take1
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Thank you everyone for your help (and stories!)
To clear one thing up, yes, I've talked to my husband. He is a patient man. We have agreed to start doing more things together, and carve out 'us' time. If I don't notice an improvement in a couple months, I'll talk to my doctor.
Until then, it is fake it 'til you make it mentality! And working out....7 -
robs_ready wrote: »It may be different for females, but lifting weights and building muscle has increased drive.
It's absolutely the same for females. Lifting weights gets blood flowing, you feel better about yourself, plus it releases testosterone if you lift heavy and we all know what that means.4 -
cassiecalhoun wrote: »Thank you everyone for your help (and stories!)
To clear one thing up, yes, I've talked to my husband. He is a patient man. We have agreed to start doing more things together, and carve out 'us' time. If I don't notice an improvement in a couple months, I'll talk to my doctor.
Until then, it is fake it 'til you make it mentality! And working out....
Lift heavy, and making room for the two of you is huge. We had originally thought that after the kids hit the bed would be our time, but after hitting the gym early every morning and the rest of our days, we found that we we're both ready to hit the sack (and start snoring) as soon as we had tucked them in.
Shower time and nooners are really working out well, lol.
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CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »study states that they dont even know if it works,not to mention you can have insomnia and dry mouth along with other issues. yeah thats something I really want to take
There are side affects with all drugs including Tylenol and Aspirin... Can't hurt to try..1 -
Having kids ages 1-3 was a libido killer for me, no matter what weight I was at, no matter what I was eating. It's an exhausting time and life isn't all that sexy in general.
It gets better.1 -
cassiecalhoun wrote: »I really hope it works for me! Like 143tobe, mine used to be super high. Like, I was jokingly called a nympho. And now I'm just like, yeah, okay. Get it over with. And I really hate it because my husband has been working out a little and watching what he eats. He's lost about 20 pounds in the last year or so, and I'm sure my lack of reaction is killing his self esteem.
I've never been on anti depressants (I'm actually always happy /optimistic --annoyingly so at times, lol!), so I know it's not that.
Quite honestly this topic scares the crap out of me. It would be horrible to marry someone and have everything hitting on all cylinders and then comes the baby and boom cold turkey. There is really nothing you as a man can do about it. I really hope you find your mojo again !!
Just don't have a baby, and you have one less thing to fear. There are way too many people already and life is too short to give up on.2 -
The last time I had sex with my husband was when I was 5 months pregnant. We divorced when my son was three years old. That's right, more than three years without sex.
I totally agree that small children = libido death.3 -
cassiecalhoun wrote: »I just can't remember the last time I felt like I had to have it.
Even if you aren't stressed, the daily grind, kids, life and everything can zap sex drive. You get caught up in routines and the exciting spontaneity of things disappears. That is true of sex too. So that could be it. And sometimes...it....Just. Doesn't. Matter. One other thought is, arousal is a function of chemical reactions in the body, so maybe things are off there.
I have always had a high sex drive but it was zapped when I was going through some personal stuff and had no interest for months. Exercise certainly helped bring it back by balancing things in the body and giving me more confidence with my body too.
All the best. You'll figure it out.
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CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »study states that they dont even know if it works,not to mention you can have insomnia and dry mouth along with other issues. yeah thats something I really want to take
There are side affects with all drugs including Tylenol and Aspirin... Can't hurt to try..
yes but most insurances probably wont cover it. hell I cant even get insurance to cover my advair(for asthma),0 -
peaceout_aly wrote: »robs_ready wrote: »It may be different for females, but lifting weights and building muscle has increased drive.
It's absolutely the same for females. Lifting weights gets blood flowing, you feel better about yourself, plus it releases testosterone if you lift heavy and we all know what that means.
not for this lady,been doing heavy lifting for almost 4 years and it hasnt helped
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TannedTiger wrote: »If she lost the sex drive so be it!
Why is everyone freaking out.
Its not natural and she wants to have it back...
Sorry, but what qualifies you to definite natural? Are you a doctor? Married with two kids? Two kids under the age of four? Trust me. Based on the experiences I and many fiend so have had, a dip with this much pressure to always be there for SOMEONE? Normal. The key thing is to keep communicating and keep at it. The drive will come back as long as attraction to your spouse remains and you stay connected.2 -
CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »study states that they dont even know if it works,not to mention you can have insomnia and dry mouth along with other issues. yeah thats something I really want to take
There are side affects with all drugs including Tylenol and Aspirin... Can't hurt to try..
That's what people said about phen-phen other drugs. Please stop dispensing medical advice if you are not qualified. Taking drugs unregulated by the FDA or without a long history if research CAN hurt to try.3 -
cassiecalhoun wrote: »I just can't remember the last time I felt like I had to have it.
Even if you aren't stressed, the daily grind, kids, life and everything can zap sex drive. You get caught up in routines and the exciting spontaneity of things disappears. That is true of sex too. So that could be it. And sometimes...it....Just. Doesn't. Matter. One other thought is, arousal is a function of chemical reactions in the body, so maybe things are off there.
I have always had a high sex drive but it was zapped when I was going through some personal stuff and had no interest for months. Exercise certainly helped bring it back by balancing things in the body and giving me more confidence with my body too.
All the best. You'll figure it out.
This was good advice.
It could be a medical issue, and it might be worth getting tested. Or it could be normal life. Keep on keeping on.0 -
You know, it gets better. When my kids were small, I absolutely lost my sex drive, mostly because I was so very exhausted ALL OF THE TIME. It's super hard to feel in the mood or even sexy, when you have little people pulling on you all day. And let's be honest - they are our LIVES. I say that mine are the loves of my life, and they are. Giving anything else to your husband/SO just seems like the most incredible, daunting effort.
My kids are now 25, 22 and 18 and my sex drive and my sex life (with my flat out amazing husband) is INCREDIBLE. I do not however mean to say that it will take 20 years until you feel like getting it on again LOL It tends to come back when you are well rested and have a bit more time. Hang in there. It's coming back
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I always found ( and I know this is anecdotal ) that the longer I go without it, the less enthusiastic about it I am. The more I have, the more I want.1
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