Lost sex drive?
Replies
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It's a which comes first thing. The chicken or the egg. One spouse isn't feeling a connection, so they withhold intimacy from the other. The other isn't getting the intimacy that they desire, so they withhold other things. It's an ugly vicious cycle that most people don't break because they are unwilling to make compromises.
"If I force myself to have sex with my partner, it won't feel genuine and I won't be into it." "If I continue do all of these things for my spouse, but I'm not going to get anything in return, what's the point?"
9 times out of 10, it's the partner that's withholding the sex that doesn't budge. Not pointing blame, as there's a certain 'connection' that some people inevitably look for when it comes to sex with their spouse. Yet in the beginning, there wasn't any intimate connections. It was all attraction and fun. So now, because you have years invested into each other, sex can't be fun and adventurous any more? And even after your needs are met, there needs to be some timeline in which you feel it's time to invest back into your relationship?
I'm sorry, but I call BS. Because I've been there. You relationship is the longest lasting business you'll ever invest in. And if you put the bare minimum in it because sometimes there are parts that aren't performing, you won't have a flourishing successful life. The squeaky wheel gets the grease people.
If you don't want to invest in your business, then close up shop and go somewhere else. Most spouses find that leaving a relationship due to a lack of intimacy seems petty and makes them look like a bad person. So they stick it out and hope for the best. All the while, they're unhappy and neither spouse is fulfilling the other's desires.
Each of you has someone out there that is willing and ready to give you everything that you want and desire, and you have what they want/need.4 -
Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »I just replied to your post on the other thread. I am so sorry you are going through this. As I mentioned, marital separation is considered to date from the last time you had sex. So if you have not had sex for a year legally you have been separated for 1 year. Speak to a lawyer as life is too short to live in a marriage without intimacy. You deserve to be with someone who wants you as much as you want him.
In our state, you have to be living separately for a year if you have minor children (which we do). There are rare instances in which a couple has gotten divorced while sharing the same house, but there were people who could corroborate that the couple were not sharing a bedroom. The difficult part in my situation is that I own the house so I won't move out. If I did, I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage plus rent, so I'd probably have to file for bankruptcy. There are fault divorces in our state and I suspect I'm going to have to file for divorce based on constructive abandonment and that will force him out of the house. I don't want it to be ugly, but I don't feel like I have many options since he's digging in his heels. Right now I'm biding my time since we have a kid in college that we're paying for, but right at this moment, my plan is to hire a lawyer next fall and get on with it.
Thank you for your advice, though!
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Yyyyyup! Sex drive went bye bye, and it's sad, 'cause it used to be sky-high! But! I'm confident it'll come back. I'm all jiggly and self-conscious now and just can't get over how I look to myself long enough to enjoy sex. Oh, well...
Cute little outfits can cover/camoflauge any jiggly parts....you can choose something that covers everything, but still comes across as sensual; In doing, you may feel more sexy, your hubs will definitely feel sexy stuff looking/touching you...and your sex drive could naturally come back quickly! Someone said it earlier, and they were right on the money: The less you do it, the less you want it. The more you do it, the more you want it. Give yourself a little push...it's worth it xo3 -
JustMissTracy wrote: »Yyyyyup! Sex drive went bye bye, and it's sad, 'cause it used to be sky-high! But! I'm confident it'll come back. I'm all jiggly and self-conscious now and just can't get over how I look to myself long enough to enjoy sex. Oh, well...
Cute little outfits can cover/camoflauge any jiggly parts....you can choose something that covers everything, but still comes across as sensual; In doing, you may feel more sexy, your hubs will definitely feel sexy stuff looking/touching you...and your sex drive could naturally come back quickly! Someone said it earlier, and they were right on the money: The less you do it, the less you want it. The more you do it, the more you want it. Give yourself a little push...it's worth it xo
Speaking as a guy, coming home to a girl who has unexpectedly dressed up for sex is one of the best things in the world!3 -
JustMissTracy wrote: »Yyyyyup! Sex drive went bye bye, and it's sad, 'cause it used to be sky-high! But! I'm confident it'll come back. I'm all jiggly and self-conscious now and just can't get over how I look to myself long enough to enjoy sex. Oh, well...
Cute little outfits can cover/camoflauge any jiggly parts....you can choose something that covers everything, but still comes across as sensual; In doing, you may feel more sexy, your hubs will definitely feel sexy stuff looking/touching you...and your sex drive could naturally come back quickly! Someone said it earlier, and they were right on the money: The less you do it, the less you want it. The more you do it, the more you want it. Give yourself a little push...it's worth it xo
Speaking as a guy, coming home to a girl who has unexpectedly dressed up for sex is one of the best things in the world!
My hubs (together 23 years!) says the exact same thing...and he could care less about jiggle, wrinkles etc....gotta keep us all happy and excited!!3 -
mskessler89 wrote: »Been married for 13 years. We have sex maybe twice a year. I'm just not into it anymore... I know my husband isn't happy but it's just really uncomfortable for me to force myself to do it. Losing weight didn't change anything (except make it harder for him probably).
Honestly though, it doesn't help that I'm a SAHM and with kids over me all day the last thing I want is being touched. And to be fair, I'm not really attracted by my husband anymore either.. so it doesn't really help... but I was never really into sex in the first place, truth be told.
But if he has sex outside of your marriage, he's the bad guy, right???
Honestly? I wouldn't care.
Why are you two still married? Just asking
I'm a SAHM and I don't have any money. But we get along well (usually). We bicker a lot about things but I suppose that's normal after almost 15 years together. It's just that the spark has been gone for a while for me.. and we don't connect emotionally much anymore either (too tired at night, he gets home and does his things, the only thing we do together is watching TV)... so that really doesn't make me want to have sex (oh hi honey, I haven't really talked to you in ages but can we have sex? No thank you).
I just don't think it's that uncommon when you've been together for such a long time and have kids. But it's not like I'd be interested in having sex elsewhere either... Personally, I need those 'emotional needs' met before even thinking about sex. I need the connection. It just hasn't been there in a long time.
The bottom line though... I'm not sure it would be different with someone else. Even if I had money to move, met someone else, who knows that it wouldn't be the same after 15 years too?
I don't want to pry into your personal life if you don't want to discuss it, but I'm always interested in hearing from people who have been married a long time. It's OK if you don't want to answer, but if you're willing to talk about it:
Why are your emotional needs not being met? What's keeping you two from talking and connecting? Given that you're in it together for the foreseeable future, is it worth making efforts to connect more, or are you both genuinely content as is? I agree with you that your situation is not uncommon, but is it avoidable or fixable?
We don't have much to talk about. He's always worried about some job issue, goes home and goes straight to doing his own things. He doesn't seem interested in my weight loss or fitness and frankly my life is so dull that it's not like I have much of anything to talk about either. By the time the kids are in bed, we're just too tired anyway and all we want to do is veg out in front of the TV... When we try to connect more (breakfast or lunch date) we just basically don't have much to talk about.benmullins4 wrote: »It's a which comes first thing. The chicken or the egg. One spouse isn't feeling a connection, so they withhold intimacy from the other. The other isn't getting the intimacy that they desire, so they withhold other things. It's an ugly vicious cycle that most people don't break because they are unwilling to make compromises.
"If I force myself to have sex with my partner, it won't feel genuine and I won't be into it." "If I continue do all of these things for my spouse, but I'm not going to get anything in return, what's the point?"
9 times out of 10, it's the partner that's withholding the sex that doesn't budge. Not pointing blame, as there's a certain 'connection' that some people inevitably look for when it comes to sex with their spouse. Yet in the beginning, there wasn't any intimate connections. It was all attraction and fun. So now, because you have years invested into each other, sex can't be fun and adventurous any more? And even after your needs are met, there needs to be some timeline in which you feel it's time to invest back into your relationship?
I'm sorry, but I call BS. Because I've been there. You relationship is the longest lasting business you'll ever invest in. And if you put the bare minimum in it because sometimes there are parts that aren't performing, you won't have a flourishing successful life. The squeaky wheel gets the grease people.
If you don't want to invest in your business, then close up shop and go somewhere else. Most spouses find that leaving a relationship due to a lack of intimacy seems petty and makes them look like a bad person. So they stick it out and hope for the best. All the while, they're unhappy and neither spouse is fulfilling the other's desires.
Each of you has someone out there that is willing and ready to give you everything that you want and desire, and you have what they want/need.
In my case though... there was never really any attraction on my part. So I know I'm probably to blame there... but we got together because I liked him, not for his looks. We met online playing video games, and played together for months before we actually met. So I guess maybe that's why when we stopped having much in common (basically when I changed my lifestyle and started losing weight), it started to be a problem.
I really don't disagree with you, but as I said, I can't leave. I have no money. So it's pretty much a moot point.
I'd be curious about how it is with other couples who have been married for a long time though. I talked to some friends and they seem to have a lot of common with us (we even joked about how we treat each other the same way), but I didn't exactly ask them about their sex life, lol! I'm sure we seem like a normal couple to other people though, I know my husband is still into me. I know it's my fault, but it's just hard for me to have sex with someone I'm just not attracted to anymore.
ETA: didn't want to hijack the thread. Sorry.0 -
Hate to be blunt, but yes. You are to blame...3
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JustMissTracy wrote: »Yyyyyup! Sex drive went bye bye, and it's sad, 'cause it used to be sky-high! But! I'm confident it'll come back. I'm all jiggly and self-conscious now and just can't get over how I look to myself long enough to enjoy sex. Oh, well...
Cute little outfits can cover/camoflauge any jiggly parts....you can choose something that covers everything, but still comes across as sensual; In doing, you may feel more sexy, your hubs will definitely feel sexy stuff looking/touching you...and your sex drive could naturally come back quickly! Someone said it earlier, and they were right on the money: The less you do it, the less you want it. The more you do it, the more you want it. Give yourself a little push...it's worth it xo
Speaking as a guy, coming home to a girl who has unexpectedly dressed up for sex is one of the best things in the world!
My husband says the same thing! I love dressing up actually. Puts me in the mood.
On another note this thread is depressing me. If you're married to someone you don't find attractive and don't want to have sex with then divorce them and let them move on. Let them be happy with someone else.
Plus I'm not buying the 'I have no money' excuse because 50:50 division of everything. And child support. And you can always get a job.4 -
Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »
My husband says the same thing! I love dressing up actually. Puts me in the mood.
On another note this thread is depressing me. If you're married to someone you don't find attractive and don't want to have sex with then divorce them and let them move on. Let them be happy with someone else.
It's a hard thing to hear, but this is absolutely correct!
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Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »I just replied to your post on the other thread. I am so sorry you are going through this. As I mentioned, marital separation is considered to date from the last time you had sex. So if you have not had sex for a year legally you have been separated for 1 year. Speak to a lawyer as life is too short to live in a marriage without intimacy. You deserve to be with someone who wants you as much as you want him.
In our state, you have to be living separately for a year if you have minor children (which we do). There are rare instances in which a couple has gotten divorced while sharing the same house, but there were people who could corroborate that the couple were not sharing a bedroom. The difficult part in my situation is that I own the house so I won't move out. If I did, I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage plus rent, so I'd probably have to file for bankruptcy. There are fault divorces in our state and I suspect I'm going to have to file for divorce based on constructive abandonment and that will force him out of the house. I don't want it to be ugly, but I don't feel like I have many options since he's digging in his heels. Right now I'm biding my time since we have a kid in college that we're paying for, but right at this moment, my plan is to hire a lawyer next fall and get on with it.
Thank you for your advice, though!
Ahh I get you. I know it differs by state.
Wishing you the best of luck for the future. You deserve so much more than this.
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I agree, this thread is depressing as all hell. Makes me really appreciate what I have even more than I already do
Nothing better than being dressed up when you get home. Yesss 0 -
LeGaCyGiAnT91 wrote: »I agree, this thread is depressing as all hell. Makes me really appreciate what I have even more than I already do Nothing better than being dressed up when you get home. Yesss
+1...I'm ready to go wake my honey and remind us both how lucky we are!!! LOL..j/k! I'll let him sleep instead, and remind him how lucky HE is!0 -
By saying: "Dressed Up" do you mean, buck bare azz nekid,
.... except completely wrapped in clear saran wrap while wearing a Carmen Miranda hat fruit bowl hat and swim fins?
I can dream, dang it; I can dream0 -
Motorsheen wrote: »By saying: "Dressed Up" do you mean, buck bare azz nekid,
.... except completely wrapped in clear saran wrap while wearing a Carmen Miranda hat fruit bowl hat and swim fins?
I can dream, dang it; I can dream
I have this on my tinder profile, but I'll be damned if I can get a girl to swipe right on me.0 -
Motorsheen wrote: »By saying: "Dressed Up" do you mean, buck bare azz nekid,
.... except completely wrapped in clear saran wrap while wearing a Carmen Miranda hat fruit bowl hat and swim fins?
I can dream, dang it; I can dream
No.
I am talking full blown lingerie at 5PM on a Friday!1 -
In for women in lingerie.0
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LeGaCyGiAnT91 wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »By saying: "Dressed Up" do you mean, buck bare azz nekid,
.... except completely wrapped in clear saran wrap while wearing a Carmen Miranda hat fruit bowl hat and swim fins?
I can dream, dang it; I can dream
No.
I am talking full blown lingerie at 5PM on a Friday!
About 7:30 here, when hubs gets off! i mean, finishes work!1 -
Motorsheen wrote: »By saying: "Dressed Up" do you mean, buck bare azz nekid,
.... except completely wrapped in clear saran wrap while wearing a Carmen Miranda hat fruit bowl hat and swim fins?
Well, now I know what I've been doing wrong. No swim fins.
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Picking my husband up from the airport tonight. Will be wearing a corset underneath my dress. Will be losing the dress as soon as we get home. ...Possibly before.1
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mskessler89 wrote: »Picking my husband up from the airport tonight. Will be wearing a corset underneath my dress. Will be losing the dress as soon as we get home. ...Possibly before.
Lucky husband! That's a recipe for a successful nite right there! Good planning, Mrs. Kessler!1 -
Motorsheen wrote: »By saying: "Dressed Up" do you mean, buck bare azz nekid,
.... except completely wrapped in clear saran wrap while wearing a Carmen Miranda hat fruit bowl hat and swim fins?
Well, now I know what I've been doing wrong. No swim fins.
yes, quite...
the Devil is in the details0 -
I think my wife might also have lost her sex drive; she only wants to get intimate on April 20th.
April 20th, I come to find out, is Hitler's Birthday.
Suddenly it all made sense.2 -
All this lingerie talk man
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benmullins4 wrote: »Hate to be blunt, but yes. You are to blame...
Nope - not completely. Speaking from a female point of view, about my previous lackluster marriage - when there is no *spark*, it's hard to muster desire. My ex would be critical or non-communicative all evening, then once in bed, a nudge on the foot and the question "ya wanna do it?", was hardly what it took to make passion seem like a good idea. I'm not seeing where the OP's husband is making much effort to be a "lover"; but then, neither is she.
Another thought that crossed my mind: gaming and TV, both of which promote stereotypes that are harmful to "real life". (Keep in mind that I'm old) - my ex was hoping I'd be June Cleaver, dressed in her pearl necklace cooking a delicious meal. But nowadays, it seems like everyone on TV is having passionate sex - tearing their clothes off, etc. That's about as far from reality for most of us, as me cooking a pot roast in high heels...LOL!! It's OK to go through periods of "meh"; or moments of passion that feel like routine. Or no passion at all, for that matter. The trick is to be able to say to your spouse "We need to spice this back up", or "I need some help to feel romantic after the kids go to bed".2 -
benmullins4 wrote: »Hate to be blunt, but yes. You are to blame...
Nope - not completely. Speaking from a female point of view, about my previous lackluster marriage - when there is no *spark*, it's hard to muster desire. My ex would be critical or non-communicative all evening, then once in bed, a nudge on the foot and the question "ya wanna do it?", was hardly what it took to make passion seem like a good idea. I'm not seeing where the OP's husband is making much effort to be a "lover"; but then, neither is she.
Another thought that crossed my mind: gaming and TV, both of which promote stereotypes that are harmful to "real life". (Keep in mind that I'm old) - my ex was hoping I'd be June Cleaver, dressed in her pearl necklace cooking a delicious meal. But nowadays, it seems like everyone on TV is having passionate sex - tearing their clothes off, etc. That's about as far from reality for most of us, as me cooking a pot roast in high heels...LOL!! It's OK to go through periods of "meh"; or moments of passion that feel like routine. Or no passion at all, for that matter. The trick is to be able to say to your spouse "We need to spice this back up", or "I need some help to feel romantic after the kids go to bed".
Maybe after years and years of getting the Heisman, he decided that it just wasn't worth the effort?
Granted, every relationship is unique unto it's self but there's got to be a tipping point of rejection.
.... dunno2 -
I found that when i started working out my sex drive went through the roof. I walk around with a semi most days now.1
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Hunter_Killer wrote: »I found that when i started working out my sex drive went through the roof. I walk around with a semi most days now.
I train at night and pole vault out of bed the next morning.0 -
Motorsheen wrote: »Hunter_Killer wrote: »I found that when i started working out my sex drive went through the roof. I walk around with a semi most days now.
I train at night and pole vault out of bed the next morning.
Pics or it didn't happen!2
This discussion has been closed.
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