Friends with benefits
So 2 months ago my 11 year relationship ended in quite a traumatic way. I haven't been single in so long and i think i have been seeking someone to be there for me in quite unhealthy way. I realise that a relationship is not what i need for quite some time i feel. However, i have been seeing someone for the past few weeks who has proven to be a very lovely and geuine guy. We both don't want to be in a relationship with anyone but we do still have a lot of physical attraction and talked about juat having a purely physical relationship. However, however, i have never felt like i was the kind of person who could do that as i wear my heart on my sleeves and catch feelings so easily. At this moment in time i am thinking this actually could work out ok.....
Any advice and words of wisdom will be much appreciated X
Any advice and words of wisdom will be much appreciated X
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Replies
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A lot of people have this sort of relationship. I think there's nothing wrong with it as long as (1) both people are honest with each other, and (2) both people feel good about what they're doing.
That said, these things have the potential to go sour for any number of reasons. Which means you need to be really clear with each other. Do you expect exclusivity or not, make sure you're on the same page so you're not both making different assumptions. Will you see each other platonically? How important is sex to your interaction, if you make plans to see each other will he expect it and how will that feel to you? Finally, are you (both) open to this growing into something more? That doesn't always (by any means!) happen but sometimes it does, people share intimacy and make cuddle hormone, sometimes that nourishes the attraction and amiability they have for each other.7 -
forgive my bluntness but just get dickked out lol go to friggin work on it girl! have amazing sex , mess with a few guys until you are ready to give it another go. No one should feel guilty about having great sex especially after a relatioship ended and you dont want one for a while. Girls especially shouldn't feel bad because of the whole double standards thing.14
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Another opinion, don't do it.
You want this person to like you for you, and not only what you do in a bed. You'll feel really bad about yourself when you stop to think about it.
I only know this from a really good friend; I've never done that myself.
Overall, you'll feel bad about yourself in the end, feel like your worth nothing, and believe you're a bad person.
(again, it's everything that friend told me about that. It took a good while to show them their worth everything the universe holds for them).
Don't do it*7 -
There's nothing at all wrong with consenting adults having a FWB. Enjoy it til it gets complicated. There is absolutely no reason you should ever question your self worth over it. The only time it's wrong is if you are doing something you don't want.
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From my experience I can say "don't do it". Good sex isn't worth what you'll be feeling about yourself in the long run. Even if you think you won't get attached, you will. And you'll get hurt. It's a bad time.19
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AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »From my experience I can say "don't do it". Good sex isn't worth what you'll be feeling about yourself in the long run. Even if you think you won't get attached, you will. And you'll get hurt. It's a bad time.
I find for the most part this is true,
but I say go for it. The only time I've ever had a traumatic break up, I found that being a jobless drunk that partied each night and slept around for 2 months cured me. I don't have any regrets. I actually have quite a lot of entertaining stories from that summer.
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King_Spicy wrote: »AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »From my experience I can say "don't do it". Good sex isn't worth what you'll be feeling about yourself in the long run. Even if you think you won't get attached, you will. And you'll get hurt. It's a bad time.
I find for the most part this is true,
but I say go for it. The only time I've ever had a traumatic break up, I found that being a jobless drunk that partied each night and slept around for 2 months cured me. I don't have any regrets. I actually have quite a lot of entertaining stories from that summer.
..and you're a guy too.
I don't think you have the same perspective as a woman, but that's just my opinion.
Who knows.0 -
King_Spicy wrote: »AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »From my experience I can say "don't do it". Good sex isn't worth what you'll be feeling about yourself in the long run. Even if you think you won't get attached, you will. And you'll get hurt. It's a bad time.
I find for the most part this is true,
but I say go for it. The only time I've ever had a traumatic break up, I found that being a jobless drunk that partied each night and slept around for 2 months cured me. I don't have any regrets. I actually have quite a lot of entertaining stories from that summer.
..and you're a guy too.
I don't think you have the same perspective as a woman, but that's just my opinion.
Who knows.
Are you saying men and women should have different ideas about sex?0 -
Are you saying all women are the same?0
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Nope, i said that's my opinion.1
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kind of sounds like your heart is "part way attached" so if this is the case and you see this guy as the "settle down with" sort of guy, i say run for the hills unless he and you are ready to commit. otherwise there is pain looming on the horizon.
If you want to just have a sex fling, then find they "safe guy" you don't have any feelings for that you are sure you can use play with.
Sounds like this guy isn't that sort of guy. MHO.0 -
I knew this would be a clear divide. Men say "Most definitely go for it" and the women "Don't do it".
It's obvious men view sex purely as a physical act. They don't have to be emotionally involved to have it. Women are emotionally driven so if we have sex even if we think it's just "FWB" eventually our emotions will get involved. So therefore DONT do it.8 -
Thank you all. I do take your points on board.
Getting attached to him is what i worry about the most. Neither of us are the sleeping around type....well to be honest i am not sure what type i am anymore because i was basically a kid when my relationship started0 -
I knew this would be a clear divide. Men say "Most definitely go for it" and the women "Don't do it".
It's obvious men view sex purely as a physical act. They don't have to be emotionally involved to have it. Women are emotionally driven so if we have sex even if we think it's just "FWB" eventually our emotions will get involved. So therefore DONT do it.
I beg to differ. I said run for the hills. and i stand by my humble opinion
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Tomk652015 wrote: »kind of sounds like your heart is "part way attached" so if this is the case and you see this guy as the "settle down with" sort of guy, i say run for the hills unless he and you are ready to commit. otherwise there is pain looming on the horizon.
If you want to just have a sex fling, then find they "safe guy" you don't have any feelings for that you are sure you can use play with.
Sounds like this guy isn't that sort of guy. MHO.
I don't know what MHO means!!0 -
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King_Spicy wrote: »AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »From my experience I can say "don't do it". Good sex isn't worth what you'll be feeling about yourself in the long run. Even if you think you won't get attached, you will. And you'll get hurt. It's a bad time.
but I say go for it. The only time I've ever had a traumatic break up, I found that being a jobless drunk that partied each night and slept around for 2 months cured me. I don't have any regrets. I actually have quite a lot of entertaining stories from that summer.
This was me too.
... but instead of the word Summer, substitute the word : Decade3 -
I have done this several times, One it worked out great with. It was strictly a booty call. He would come over, we would talk for about 30 minutes or so, do our thing. He would stick around for maybe 30 more minutes and then take off. Really only talked to him when one or the other was in the mood. It was open so, either one of us could date another.
One was alright, We hung out as friends, had sex when we wanted. The sex was boring and the friendship was mediocre. Eventually, I resented him for not being that great and broke it off.
The last one, I ended up married to for 11 years. But before we got to that point he disappeared when I started having feeling for him. We've now been separated/soon to be divorced for 3 almost 4 years.
If you easily get emotionally attached, and you are already friends with this guy, I would say don't cross that line. It is hard to do the FWB when you have feelings for the other person.2 -
I say get out while you can. It's great in the beginning but as always one of you will fall into feelings and that's when it gets difficult. Your past relationships gave you too much drama I'm sure, but don't let that change or devalue who you are as a person. Only you know...0
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Depends on how emotionally mature you are. Life is meant to experience things. Hopefully its a good experience for you. Even if it becomes bad later, hopefully you can learn from it. At least you know if it is good or helpful instead of always wondering. Everyone is different. Whats good for some may have not been good for others. Be honest and don't cross boundaries. Don't let it interfere with the pursuit of a real relationship because that is the ultimate goal when you feel you are in the right place.5
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My Opinion:
I myself am in the process of a Divorce from an 8 year marriage. I WANT to go out and crush it now that I'm available. I honestly know I need to figure out who I am before I worry about that though. I need to learn how to be me with out being with someone else first. So I can be a better person then I was yesterday.
In the end do what you feel is right. You now have a number of opinions to formulate your own decision on. You do you boo, be happy. But be happy with yourself first.10 -
LiftingRiot wrote: »Depends on how emotionally mature you are. Life is meant to experience things. Hopefully its a good experience for you. Even if it becomes bad later, hopefully you can learn from it. At least you know if it is good or helpful instead of always wondering. Everyone is different. Whats good for some may have not been good for others. Be honest and don't cross boundaries. Don't let it interfere with the pursuit of a real relationship because that is the ultimate goal when you feel you are in the right place.
I feel like this is what i am looking for, experiences. Yes i want a really good, deeply in love relationship one day. But right now i want to be free to do as i please and experience what i feel i have been missing
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My Opinion:
I myself am in the process of a Divorce from an 8 year marriage. I WANT to go out and crush it now that I'm available. I honestly know I need to figure out who I am before I worry about that though. I need to learn how to be me with out being with someone else first. So I can be a better person then I was yesterday.
In the end do what you feel is right. You now have a number of opinions to formulate your own decision on. You do you boo, be happy. But be happy with yourself first.
Do you not feel like you could do both. Figure out who you are while going out and crushing it?
How are you dealing with being single after so long?0 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »Would you be comfortable telling your future spouse you were in an FWB?
When I was dating and the girls disclose this... I took the exit ramp at 60mph
No. I judge no man and will not except judgment from any. I probably would have pushed you down the ramp first. Much love ✌14 -
(I am having second thoughts)0
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There's another aspect, IMO - great "guy friends" don't always come along that often. I would rather keep a great friend, than risk the relationship by adding dimensions where jealousy/hurt/anger/disappointment can rear their ugly head. The surest way to add those dimensions is by having sex.....7
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Personally, I know myself well enough to know that would not work for me. If you can do it, great, but honestly those situations never work out without emotions getting involved, at least for every woman i've ever met. So what if you're hanging out with that guy, and doing your thing with him, and then two months from now he gets a girlfriend? Can you honestly say you wont care at all or be hurt? You're going to have to cut ties with him at that point, because i'm sure his girlfriend wont approve of him hanging around some woman he was sleeping with, so you'd be losing his company and his sex. Is it really worth the heartbreak? My advice is, be friends only. If he's caring and genuine like you say, and you legit enjoy his company, eventually you WILL want more than just FWB and at that point, after you've already made that pledge, that's the only way he'll view you, as a FWB and not someone to be taken seriously. If you're that physically deprived, go to the adult store and find some "friends". Friends who wont decide to start dating someone new in two months. Friends who cant possibly break your heart. And friends who wont be sleeping with other people at the same time as you.
Personally, this type of relationship is an absolute no for me. I'm old enough to realize I am not a robot. I am a human with emotions and if i'm sleeping with someone, I wanna be the only one theyre sleeping with and the only one theyre calling baby at night.3 -
One more thought: What if you and this friend have awesome, mind-blowing, earth shattering sex. And the next day you're out and about and you see him on a date with another woman? Like a legit date where he's holding her hand and buying her dinner and being all flirty and looking interested in her. How would that make you feel? If you think it'll make you feel sad, bad, angry, jealous, upset, etc. then please don't do it
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I've had a few FWB in my time. The ones that worked out well for me were the ones that had something I didn't like about them. It's easy to not get attached when you know you're not going to fall for them. I did have to be careful though, because one (or two) of the guys was really sensitive and I hurt his feelings on accident out of my non-chalance. It's best to find someone with a strong character so they also don't fall for you, lol.
But like you said. Some people just can't do it. If you discover that's you, then I suggest getting a few toys and just have your "me time" as often as necessary.1
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