my husband thinks that I am ungrateful
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My husband knows how much I love goodies. And it's really hard for him to resist bringing them to me. He actually works right next to this ridiculously fabulous dessert cafe. And he kept bringing home goodies I had a hard time resisting. So I asked him to please ask me in the future before bringing them home so I can request something to share that I can fit into my daily goal.
It's hard but you just have to be open and honest and say "this isn't helping me reach my goals. I can do this without your help but it will be so much easier if you have my back."9 -
Wow Aaron. She's only two weeks in. Where's the grace? Some of us are like addicts when it comes to certain kinds of foods. If an addict is recovering and someone hands them their drug of choice, do you say "If just the appearance of this narcotic causes you to take it (not even addressing the fact that it was handed to her by someone she loves and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings!), what is your long term plan for sobriety?"
There is a reason why alcoholics avoid bars and chocoholics (who are trying to get healthy) avoid, well, Hershey park.
That being said, I agree with most everyone else. Losing weight and getting healthy requires us to embrace ourselves honestly and give ourselves grace. It was your birthday, you did what you used to do on your birthday. Instead of beating yourself up, embrace it. Empower yourself. Think "Man that chocolate was good but next time I think I will handle this differently. Losing weight shouldn't be about hating yourself. That's what got most of us here to begin with!15 -
Let him know how much you appreciate his thoughtfulness and that you really do love it. But for right now, you're trying to do what's best for you and since it's hard for you to resist chocolate, it's best that you avoid it. Try explaining to him how much you need and want his support as you make these changes in your life. Be positive when you talk to him. And be positive toward yourself. Don't get bogged down by your mistakes. You can do this!
Don't reflect too much on your mistakes, instead determine yourself to do better next time. Its best to think about the good things you've done--even the little things. Remember the time when you chose fruit over chips or took the stairs instead of the elevator and thank yourself for those good decisions. It may sound silly, but it works for me. I find I make the most progress when I focus on the good things. So you messed up one day, but tomorrow is a new chance to do things right.2 -
Puppybear1 wrote: »Wow Aaron. She's only two weeks in. Where's the grace? Some of us are like addicts when it comes to certain kinds of foods. If an addict is recovering and someone hands them their drug of choice, do you say "If just the appearance of this narcotic causes you to take it (not even addressing the fact that it was handed to her by someone she loves and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings!), what is your long term plan for sobriety?"
There is a reason why alcoholics avoid bars and chocoholics (who are trying to get healthy) avoid, well, Hershey park.
That being said, I agree with most everyone else. Losing weight and getting healthy requires us to embrace ourselves honestly and give ourselves grace. It was your birthday, you did what you used to do on your birthday. Instead of beating yourself up, embrace it. Empower yourself. Think "Man that chocolate was good but next time I think I will handle this differently. Losing weight shouldn't be about hating yourself. That's what got most of us here to begin with!
If you have an addiction that negatively affects your health you should confront it, not hide from it. Can't hide forever but if you work on your self dicipline and push against your addiction with your willpower making your will stronger and stronger then eventually there will be no need to hide and you can relax having dealt with a cause of stress in your life. Hiding from it and faulting others for having or offering it is no way to live.
Is that harsh? Nothing in what I said is about self-hatred, quite the opposite...it's about establishing self confidence that you are in control...not something external having control over you. You don't get there hiding from it.
Personally I'd recommend buying small chocolates...putting one in with your lunch and then when it's lunch time rather than eat it offer it to a friend or just put it back. Set that as a goal, regularly expose yourself to your temptation and address it. If you eat it just note that you did that and try again tomorrow. Let it serve as a reminder of what you are trying to accomplish and that you are in control of that.15 -
Every day, after a nice supper, take one out of the box. Split it in half and share it with him to remind him how thankful you are and what a cool person he is for getting you such a nice present. (Half the chocolate should be about 30 cals. a day. Be sure to log it).
Sounds like you got yourself a keeper there. Hang on to him - a good spouse is hard to find.6 -
I'm a sober alcoholic. Every year people buy me bottles of wine. The problem is mine not theirs. My weight is my problem not theirs. They are trying to be nice, kind, or loving. I sincerely say "Thank you" and re-gift as soon as possible. They don't require a dissertation on my neurosis du jour. I must to accept my responsibility for my life. When all else fails I go for a run........ A different obsession.33
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You could eat one chocolate today and then one once a week for the next couple of months.
Your husband is supposed to be your partner, your best friend, the person you lean on through good times and bad. Why not assume positive intent rather than cutting him down for a gift he thought you would enjoy? I feel bad for the guy.12 -
Thank your husband, if it hasn't been long since you changed the way you eat he is probably still catching up. My boyfriend still offers to get me fastfood almost every night and I usually say no but I don't get mad because he is trying to be nice. You over ate on your birthday don't worry about just relax and know that you won't be doing this often. You should talk to your husband at a later time maybe in a few days and tell him you don't need to have chocolate in the house anymore and suggest something else he can get you. Alot of men are not good at gift giving and go to the defaults chocolate, flowers, jewelry. Tell him if he wants to get you something he can get you x, y, or z. You don't want to just tell him you shouldn't have gotten me chocolate or anything that will make him feel bad just encourage better gifts for your new lifestyle.1
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Aaron_K123 -
First, let me say that it really seems to me that you are a kind and supportive person. You want her to be stress free and to feel better. Some people really respond to direct confrontation and advise. I guess the comment came across as a little harsh to me because she was so early in her journey. Too much light has a tendency to blind people. If she was a year in and she was blaming the grocery store for advertising chocolate, it would feel differently to me. (I am oversimplifying but you get my point.)
I also think it was super sweet that her husband got her chocolates for her birthday. I don't think he was wrong for trying to be kind to her on her birthday. On the flip side, when someone who knows you and loves you and has watched your struggles with weight gives you a food that they know you find hard to resist, it can feel as though they do not support you. Maybe even that they don't believe in you. It hurt her feelings.
Secondly, if you know that a substance is bad for your body, you shouldn't ingest it. Part of every addiction recovery process is to stop ingesting the drug. Surely you don't think alcoholics should have a beer once in a while, especially during the first two weeks of recovery. Abstaining is what builds willpower. Ex heroine addicts aren't accused of hiding from their addiction when they choose not to shoot up. When you have had a terribly unhealthy habit of abusing food, breaking the habit is sometimes necessary before reintroducing the food in a healthy way.
Lastly, I agree that ultimately, we all have to take responsibility for our own actions. Blaming others will never set us free because it gives others power over us. So yes, we shouldn't fault others for having or offering us those things, but even in AA, taking responsibility doesn't come until step 5. Addicts have spent a lifetime lying to themselves. Saying to themselves, "they offered it, it's their fault so I shouldn't feel guilty about doing it. It's their fault." It takes time to see ourselves truthfully.
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Guilt and blame don't burn calories.
Log it and be happy you enjoyed some lovely chocolate. Mmmm, chocolate.
I lost 80 lbs between April 2015 and April 2016 and I ate chocolate every day.
Make room for the things you most love, and you'll stick to your calorie limit for as long as it takes.8 -
ok Aaron, I did not see what you wrote after the question "Is that harsh" For some reason that's where it stopped on my screen. I get what you are saying about having the chocolate and it being motivating, like smokers who hang on to one cigarette after quitting to remind themselves what they were able to overcome. I think your suggestion is awesome. As an ex-smoker myself, I could carry one around all day now. But when I was trying to quit . . . I would have smoked it. I am honestly jealous of anyone who could carry around chocolate (or in my case, chocolate chip cookies with frosting) with them all day and not eat it. I'm not there yet. I hope to be one day, but not yet.7
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Girl, just say NO!! That's called sabotage! Maybe he thinks if you lose weight you will not want him anymore - try to encourage him and let him know this will give you "more energy" to enjoy him even more....he'll like that!!
Sabotage? Yeah, how dare he buy his wife chocolates for her birthday. What a fool.
My husbad buys me treats often and I appreciate it. Since I moderate, I can have a few then put the rest away. It won't kill me or ruin my weight loss as it fits my calories.
But, if it is my birthday, I certainly won't worry about counting calories. Hell, it's one day a year to spluge, big deal.
Pure poetry. Beautiful."Thankyou dear husband for the fancy chocolates - you really do know how much I love chocolate! I'm going to have one a day and fit it nicely into my calorie plan and will get to enjoy them for a whole month!"Puppybear1 wrote: »Wow Aaron. She's only two weeks in. Where's the grace? Some of us are like addicts when it comes to certain kinds of foods. If an addict is recovering and someone hands them their drug of choice, do you say "If just the appearance of this narcotic causes you to take it (not even addressing the fact that it was handed to her by someone she loves and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings!), what is your long term plan for sobriety?"
There is a reason why alcoholics avoid bars and chocoholics (who are trying to get healthy) avoid, well, Hershey park.
That being said, I agree with most everyone else. Losing weight and getting healthy requires us to embrace ourselves honestly and give ourselves grace. It was your birthday, you did what you used to do on your birthday. Instead of beating yourself up, embrace it. Empower yourself. Think "Man that chocolate was good but next time I think I will handle this differently. Losing weight shouldn't be about hating yourself. That's what got most of us here to begin with!
Drug addiction is not anywhere near the same as "sugar addiction". It irks me when the two are similarly compared.11 -
I can understand why you feel upset. I also understand how men can be.. especially since you're just two weeks into your fitness journey. Most men buy the same things we like out of habit. He was being a typical man buying you the chocolates you've always loved. And his mom mum making you a birthday cake is pretty sweet.
I think you're mad at yourself for eating the chocolates and too much cake.
a few tricks.. eat one chocolate…put them in the freezer.. and when he isn't looking..throw a good number int eh trash. he'll think you at them.
the cake.. have a small slice… and again.. give most away or throw some away when dear mum and hubby are not looking. It spares feelings..
as time goes on.. you can have a heart to heart talk with hubby… that you'd like a non food gift for special occasions from now on.. and give him a few ideas.
btw.. you can burn half of those calories in an hour cardio session. good luck…
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Puppybear1 wrote: »Aaron_K123 -
First, let me say that it really seems to me that you are a kind and supportive person. You want her to be stress free and to feel better. Some people really respond to direct confrontation and advise. I guess the comment came across as a little harsh to me because she was so early in her journey. Too much light has a tendency to blind people. If she was a year in and she was blaming the grocery store for advertising chocolate, it would feel differently to me. (I am oversimplifying but you get my point.)
I also think it was super sweet that her husband got her chocolates for her birthday. I don't think he was wrong for trying to be kind to her on her birthday. On the flip side, when someone who knows you and loves you and has watched your struggles with weight gives you a food that they know you find hard to resist, it can feel as though they do not support you. Maybe even that they don't believe in you. It hurt her feelings.
Secondly, if you know that a substance is bad for your body, you shouldn't ingest it. Part of every addiction recovery process is to stop ingesting the drug. Surely you don't think alcoholics should have a beer once in a while, especially during the first two weeks of recovery. Abstaining is what builds willpower. Ex heroine addicts aren't accused of hiding from their addiction when they choose not to shoot up. When you have had a terribly unhealthy habit of abusing food, breaking the habit is sometimes necessary before reintroducing the food in a healthy way.
Lastly, I agree that ultimately, we all have to take responsibility for our own actions. Blaming others will never set us free because it gives others power over us. So yes, we shouldn't fault others for having or offering us those things, but even in AA, taking responsibility doesn't come until step 5. Addicts have spent a lifetime lying to themselves. Saying to themselves, "they offered it, it's their fault so I shouldn't feel guilty about doing it. It's their fault." It takes time to see ourselves truthfully.
Fair enough, you may be right that my approach was too blunt...time will tell, I was just giving my opinion as well, OP can decide it makes some sense or ignore it up to them.
I disagree with the comparison of chocolate to alcohol or heroine though for several reasons. First alcohol and heroine themselves are actual chemically addictive substances. If you purify them (higher alcohol content higher heroine percentage) then they are more potent. Chocolate isn't like that at all. If you purify chocolate you get this bitter dry stuff that most people would hate the taste of. Purer heroine is more addictive, purer chocolate isn't. Chocolate isn't some chemically addictive thing, its just a thing some people really like the taste of it thats all. Second, heroine and alcohol damage you regardless of what else you are doing in your life. If you are otherwise healthy but you drink a lot of alcohol you will still get liver damage. If you are otherwise healthy and take heroine it will still destroy your life and possibly die from an overdose or improperly prepared drug. If you are otherwise controlling your calories and exercising then eating chocolate isn't going to hurt you at all. You could eat three full sized chocolate bars a day and still be fit. You aren't going to drink 12 beers a day or shoot up heroine daily and be fit.13 -
How do I explain to my husband that a box of chocolates is an unsuitable present for a chocoholic overweight wife in the second week of a weight loss diet. Incidently I responded by eating 15 in quick succession before our birthday tea which included a raspberry and cream dessert cake made by his 92 year old mum. The outcome is 1500 Cal daily excess, an exploding tummy and a deep feeling of resentfulness. Help me!
First-one day of high calories doesn't doom you. Go back to eating normally tomorrow.
Second- you need to learn to eat smaller amounts of chocolate. You aren't going to avoid it forever. You can eat some chocolate. Practice eating it slowly and savor it. Let a piece just melt in your mouth instead of chewing it.
Third- Give your dh lots of non-food gift ideas for future. He bought you something you love. He was trying. Maybe he doesn't know what else to get you.4 -
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Why not just suggest a few things you'd like that aren't food objects? Thank him for the gesture , point out something you would also like. Bring them to work, share them with friends, so many options.
It's one day of the year though. If he knows you have a hard time moderating chocolate, look at it this way, he knows you REALLY like chocolate and just wanted to get you something you would like...0 -
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How do I explain to my husband that a box of chocolates is an unsuitable present for a chocoholic overweight wife in the second week of a weight loss diet. Incidently I responded by eating 15 in quick succession before our birthday tea which included a raspberry and cream dessert cake made by his 92 year old mum. The outcome is 1500 Cal daily excess, an exploding tummy and a deep feeling of resentfulness. Help me!
When you first start making changes often times people around you are resistant to the idea. You just have to talk to him.0 -
Girl, just say NO!! That's called sabotage! Maybe he thinks if you lose weight you will not want him anymore - try to encourage him and let him know this will give you "more energy" to enjoy him even more....he'll like that!!
Yeah, evil man devil!!!
Or maybe he bought his wife some chocolates for her birthday, which could have been consumed in moderation.
Haha! What you put into your body is your choice alone, so you can't blame anyone else! No one made you eat the cake or chocolate. If someone else takes offense to you wanting to be healthy and strong and make wise food choices, oh well. No skin off your nose. You do you.
You don't even have to tell him anything. Bring it to work and give it to a co-worker. Re-gift it. Or just tell him thanks, but no thanks.
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This this this. Some of you people... well... I can't imagine your words having a positive impact or helping her at all!Puppybear1 wrote: »Wow Aaron. She's only two weeks in. Where's the grace? Some of us are like addicts when it comes to certain kinds of foods. If an addict is recovering and someone hands them their drug of choice, do you say "If just the appearance of this narcotic causes you to take it (not even addressing the fact that it was handed to her by someone she loves and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings!), what is your long term plan for sobriety?"
There is a reason why alcoholics avoid bars and chocoholics (who are trying to get healthy) avoid, well, Hershey park.6 -
littlemissbgiff wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »Puppybear1 wrote: »Aaron_K123 -
First, let me say that it really seems to me that you are a kind and supportive person. You want her to be stress free and to feel better. Some people really respond to direct confrontation and advise. I guess the comment came across as a little harsh to me because she was so early in her journey. Too much light has a tendency to blind people. If she was a year in and she was blaming the grocery store for advertising chocolate, it would feel differently to me. (I am oversimplifying but you get my point.)
I also think it was super sweet that her husband got her chocolates for her birthday. I don't think he was wrong for trying to be kind to her on her birthday. On the flip side, when someone who knows you and loves you and has watched your struggles with weight gives you a food that they know you find hard to resist, it can feel as though they do not support you. Maybe even that they don't believe in you. It hurt her feelings.
Secondly, if you know that a substance is bad for your body, you shouldn't ingest it. Part of every addiction recovery process is to stop ingesting the drug. Surely you don't think alcoholics should have a beer once in a while, especially during the first two weeks of recovery. Abstaining is what builds willpower. Ex heroine addicts aren't accused of hiding from their addiction when they choose not to shoot up. When you have had a terribly unhealthy habit of abusing food, breaking the habit is sometimes necessary before reintroducing the food in a healthy way.
Lastly, I agree that ultimately, we all have to take responsibility for our own actions. Blaming others will never set us free because it gives others power over us. So yes, we shouldn't fault others for having or offering us those things, but even in AA, taking responsibility doesn't come until step 5. Addicts have spent a lifetime lying to themselves. Saying to themselves, "they offered it, it's their fault so I shouldn't feel guilty about doing it. It's their fault." It takes time to see ourselves truthfully.
Fair enough, you may be right that my approach was too blunt...time will tell, I was just giving my opinion as well, OP can decide it makes some sense or ignore it up to them.
I disagree with the comparison of chocolate to alcohol or heroine though for several reasons. First alcohol and heroine themselves are actual chemically addictive substances. If you purify them (higher alcohol content higher heroine percentage) then they are more potent. Chocolate isn't like that at all. If you purify chocolate you get this bitter dry stuff that most people would hate the taste of. Purer heroine is more addictive, purer chocolate isn't. Chocolate isn't some chemically addictive thing, its just a thing some people really like the taste of it thats all. Second, heroine and alcohol damage you regardless of what else you are doing in your life. If you are otherwise healthy but you drink a lot of alcohol you will still get liver damage. If you are otherwise healthy and take heroine it will still destroy your life and possibly die from an overdose or improperly prepared drug. If you are otherwise controlling your calories and exercising then eating chocolate isn't going to hurt you at all. You could eat three full sized chocolate bars a day and still be fit. You aren't going to drink 12 beers a day or shoot up heroine daily and be fit.
With all due respect, comparing these two addictions is apples to oranges and Aaron asked the OP a very valid question in what her long term plan was to lose and maintain her loss.
A recovering alcoholic/drug addict can quit and successfully avoid drugs or alcohol for the rest of their lives. My husband has been in recovery for over 22 years by doing just that. Someone addicted to foods cannot. A recovering food addict must confront and learn to moderate their consumption to be successful. You would never ask an alcoholic to learn how to moderately consume alcohol. That's not how it works.
You are exactly correct. There is a world of difference. I believe you would agree that shame, guilt, and self loathing transcends the differences. Asking ourselves once again how did I get here and hurting ourselves a bite a time. Taking our pain out on the ones we are supposed to love. We are in chains/prisons of one kind or another. Finding a way free is the goal I believe. Isn't this all about hope in the final analysis. For if there is no hope why try? Spes Manet.1 -
You could have just eaten 1 or 2 and put the rest in the freezer for some other time- or take them to work and let your coworkers eat them (or throw them away when he's not looking). No need to eat 15 chocolates in 1 day... Let him know to get you flowers or jewelry next time.2
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I was given a large Easter bunny by my work social club a few weeks after I started with MFP.
I weighed out 1 serving of the bunny for me, and 1 serving for my husband ... and we ate 1 serving a night until the bunny was gone. That way, the bunny fit within my calorie goals.
In addition to my suggestion of putting the chocolates in the freezer, you could do that too. One for you, one for him each night until they are gone. That way you both get to enjoy them.2 -
I am not really into my first 2 weeks ever of dieting. I AM 57. I have got to the place classed as Not Overweight in the past. Then put it all back on in 8 weeks. Or in 8 months. I feel like a member of AA. If I take a chocolate I am compelled to eat the lot. It really works for me keeping chocolate out of my life. I dont gamble or take drugs or drink compulsively, but chocolate is my poison.2
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So show him how grateful you are
You're married
I'm sure you can come up with something17 -
You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!5
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