my husband thinks that I am ungrateful
Replies
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Now we've turned a corner.2
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I'm reading this thread and I have mixed emotions....
1 - should she really have to eat one everyday JUST to make her HUSBAND feel good and not be considered mean? She is taking stock of her health, she is serious and she shouldn't have to eat what she doesn't just to make someone else feel better?
2 - is this something to really create distance over? When you talk this out loud it seems crazy to fight with your hubby over what he thought was a nice gift. Explain to him why in a loving way and stick to your guns... He shouldn't feel bad...just make a note not to give food gifts....
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How do I explain to my husband that a box of chocolates is an unsuitable present for a chocoholic overweight wife in the second week of a weight loss diet. Incidently I responded by eating 15 in quick succession before our birthday tea which included a raspberry and cream dessert cake made by his 92 year old mum. The outcome is 1500 Cal daily excess, an exploding tummy and a deep feeling of resentfulness. Help me!
Last year my coworkers and sister gave me WAY too much chocolate. So I'm going to let them know that I appreciate it very much, but Less is More (or something; haven't figured out the exact wording yet.) My SO helped me moderate - he put the box from one of my coworkers in his car and brought it up when he visited me. I put some of the chocolate from my sister in "his" drawer and promptly forgot about it in between visits - I've trained my brain to do that. Another coworker sends me home made treats that I don't even try to moderate - I just hope they arrive on a day when I'm burning lots of calories from shoveling snow.
When I first started I felt like my SO was sabotaging me, but I trained him to schedule high calorie foods like pizza in advance so I could budget for it and we learned that we were satisfied with the 4 ounce mini cups of ice cream instead of the "smalls" at ice cream stands, which are more like 12 oz.
TL; DR - communication!
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »I'm reading this thread and I have mixed emotions....
1 - should she really have to eat one everyday JUST to make her HUSBAND feel good and not be considered mean? She is taking stock of her health, she is serious and she shouldn't have to eat what she doesn't just to make someone else feel better?
2 - is this something to really create distance over? When you talk this out loud it seems crazy to fight with your hubby over what he thought was a nice gift. Explain to him why in a loving way and stick to your guns... He shouldn't feel bad...just make a note not to give food gifts....
No...she shouldn't "have to do" anything, she is the one in control. If she is not the one in control then its her control issues that are the underlying problem that needs to be dealt with. This one scenario is a symptom of the problem, not the cause.7 -
Time to repost this Moderator vs Abstainer article:
http://gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2012/10/back-by-popular-demand-are-you-an-abstainer-or-a-moderator/
...When dealing with temptation, I often see the advice, “Be moderate. Don’t have ice cream every night, but if you try to deny yourself altogether, you’ll fall off the wagon. Allow yourself to have the occasional treat, it will help you stick to your plan.”
I’ve come to believe that this is good advice for some people: the “moderators.” They do better when they avoid absolutes and strict rules.
For a long time, I kept trying this strategy of moderation–and failing. Then I read a line from Samuel Johnson, who said, when someone offered him wine: “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.”
Ah ha! Like Dr. Johnson, I’m an “abstainer.”
I find it far easier to give something up altogether than to indulge moderately. When I admitted to myself that I was eating my favorite frozen yogurt treat very often–two and even three times a day–I gave it up cold turkey. That was far easier for me to do than to eat it twice a week. If I try to be moderate, I exhaust myself debating, “Today, tomorrow?” “Does this time ‘count’?” “Don’t I deserve this?” etc. If I never do something, it requires no self-control for me; if I do something sometimes, it requires enormous self-control.
There’s no right way or wrong way–it’s just a matter of knowing which strategy works better for you. If moderators try to abstain, they feel trapped and rebellious. If abstainers try to be moderate, they spend a lot of precious energy justifying why they should go ahead and indulge.
*****
If the OP feels the need to abstain at this time, suggesting moderation isn't suitable advice.11 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I'm reading this thread and I have mixed emotions....
1 - should she really have to eat one everyday JUST to make her HUSBAND feel good and not be considered mean? She is taking stock of her health, she is serious and she shouldn't have to eat what she doesn't just to make someone else feel better?
2 - is this something to really create distance over? When you talk this out loud it seems crazy to fight with your hubby over what he thought was a nice gift. Explain to him why in a loving way and stick to your guns... He shouldn't feel bad...just make a note not to give food gifts....
No...she shouldn't "have to do" anything, she is the one in control. If she is not the one in control then its her control issues that are the underlying problem that needs to be dealt with. This one scenario is a symptom of the problem, not the cause.
My control issues lead me to create Amazon wish lists for some family members and just let others know directly what I want for gifts. That's how I got my FitBit and digital food scale 5 -
kshama2001 wrote: »How do I explain to my husband that a box of chocolates is an unsuitable present for a chocoholic overweight wife in the second week of a weight loss diet. Incidently I responded by eating 15 in quick succession before our birthday tea which included a raspberry and cream dessert cake made by his 92 year old mum. The outcome is 1500 Cal daily excess, an exploding tummy and a deep feeling of resentfulness. Help me!
Last year my coworkers and sister gave me WAY too much chocolate. So I'm going to let them know that I appreciate it very much, but Less is More (or something; haven't figured out the exact wording yet.) My SO helped me moderate - he put the box from one of my coworkers in his car and brought it up when he visited me. I put some of the chocolate from my sister in "his" drawer and promptly forgot about it in between visits - I've trained my brain to do that. Another coworker sends me home made treats that I don't even try to moderate - I just hope they arrive on a day when I'm burning lots of calories from shoveling snow.
When I first started I felt like my SO was sabotaging me, but I trained him to schedule high calorie foods like pizza in advance so I could budget for it and we learned that we were satisfied with the 4 ounce mini cups of ice cream instead of the "smalls" at ice cream stands, which are more like 12 oz.
TL; DR - communication!
My hubby knows to give me a heads up when he wants pizza. That way I won't get a surprise and can plan the calories in.
I solved the chocolates problem by having a heart to heart to let him know that although I love it that I'm cutting back on calories. Fortunately he started working on losing weight also, so I have a sympathizer now.2 -
No, not at all. But it's a gift. You "should" say thanks for a gift and then do with it whatever you want.STLBADGIRL wrote: »should she really have to eat one everyday JUST to make her HUSBAND feel good and not be considered mean?
OP, your DH bought you something while thinking of you - that's what every gift is to me: a physical representation that someone was thinking of me enough to go out and buy something, even if it's not perfect.
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_dracarys_ wrote: »Now we've turned a corner.
There are no corners on MFP only circles that go round and round.
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I'm reading this thread and I have mixed emotions....
1 - should she really have to eat one everyday JUST to make her HUSBAND feel good and not be considered mean? She is taking stock of her health, she is serious and she shouldn't have to eat what she doesn't just to make someone else feel better?
2 - is this something to really create distance over? When you talk this out loud it seems crazy to fight with your hubby over what he thought was a nice gift. Explain to him why in a loving way and stick to your guns... He shouldn't feel bad...just make a note not to give food gifts....
No...she shouldn't "have to do" anything, she is the one in control. If she is not the one in control then its her control issues that are the underlying problem that needs to be dealt with. This one scenario is a symptom of the problem, not the cause.
Thanks for responding. I had to get out of that bad habit. Someone cooked food or baked sweets, and I would feel guilty if I didn't eat it because it would make them mad. I had to learn that I couldn't compromise my goals and my standards to please someone else. I'm sure the OP can have one each day, but if this would blow her whole diet or her goals, then eating even (1) is not good. That might work for someone else, but her, it might be devastating. And again, she shouldn't have to do it, just to make someone else feel good, when it is going against the goals she set for herself.1 -
cerise_noir wrote: »jmbmilholland wrote: »cerise_noir wrote: »nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
:laugh:
I eat chocolate AND am losing weight.
Your point? Rude and invalid.
At first I thought it was pretty rude too. But don't you think he's right in a metaphysical way? the only way to lose weight, or maintain weight, is to resist in general. It's like saying, "If you don't have the willpower to balance, you're not ready to ride a bike." So as kids we took off the training wheels, and took our lumps on the gravel or pavement, and learned how to ride. Or...didn't.
You and I can have chocolates because at a certain point, we resist, and if you are like me, this is a skill I have worked very, very hard on, and it's not been easy, and it's not been fun, but the more I develop the skill, the better I am at it. I still fail badly from time to time, but I pick myself up, dust myself off, keep a stiff upper lip, and get back on the bike.
To me, the post came across as "if you cannot resist at all, you're not ready to lose weight" which was a black and white way to approach this. I would have agreed with "learn from your mistake and create steps to help you on the path to moderation so you don't end up binging if you're presented with a similar situation" which would have worked better for OP considering their state of mind over the matter.
Telling someone who is obviously distraught over what happened and how they handled the situation that they are not ready because of how they handled their situation can easilly push someone with obvious binge issues into more binging. Yes, they should take full responsibility for the way they responded to the situation, but they CAN get better. It may have been that they heavily restricted calories and foods prior to the binge, too.
Interestingly enough, I didn't take the original comment that way at all.
I've had plenty of conversations with people about the "light switch moment". It's that moment in time when you suddenly decide you've had enough of your current situation and are really and truly ready to commit to doing whatever it takes to change the situation. Weight loss is one of those things that almost always takes that moment. Ask almost anyone who has made that commitment and they can tell you exactly when that moment was and what precluded it. It's that pivotal.
You see a lot of people in here complaining about how hard it is, how they need motivation, how they don't like this or that, just can't do this or that and you simply KNOW they haven't reached that point yet. That's exactly how I took this comment.4 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I'm reading this thread and I have mixed emotions....
1 - should she really have to eat one everyday JUST to make her HUSBAND feel good and not be considered mean? She is taking stock of her health, she is serious and she shouldn't have to eat what she doesn't just to make someone else feel better?
2 - is this something to really create distance over? When you talk this out loud it seems crazy to fight with your hubby over what he thought was a nice gift. Explain to him why in a loving way and stick to your guns... He shouldn't feel bad...just make a note not to give food gifts....
No...she shouldn't "have to do" anything, she is the one in control. If she is not the one in control then its her control issues that are the underlying problem that needs to be dealt with. This one scenario is a symptom of the problem, not the cause.
Thanks for responding. I had to get out of that bad habit. Someone cooked food or baked sweets, and I would feel guilty if I didn't eat it because it would make them mad. I had to learn that I couldn't compromise my goals and my standards to please someone else. I'm sure the OP can have one each day, but if this would blow her whole diet or her goals, then eating even (1) is not good. That might work for someone else, but her, it might be devastating. And again, she shouldn't have to do it, just to make someone else feel good, when it is going against the goals she set for herself.
I think people were just giving her an option. Nobody said she absolutely had to eat one a day, just that all or nothing are not her only two options.2 -
My response is a little of everything above.
You cannot control other people's behavior, only yours. If you husband buys you chocolate, that does not mean you have to eat it. Yes, it's hard, but it's a simple truth. You may need to come up with a plan to prevent downing all that chocolate, otherwise you will fall into old bad habits.
You also can be gracious and loving and non-judgemental about this situation. Simply say something like, "Oh, how thoughtful that you thought about me! I DO love chocolate. But I simply cannot eat these like I could because of the diet I'm on. I'll have (1,2,3) tonight with you, but I have to keep from eating them all." This acknowledges his good intentions (presumably), asserts your plan politely, and lets him keep face. Eating a few chocolates will only put you back a little, and hey! It's chocolate, and not cause resentment with your husband. (Personally, I recommend putting out the chocolates in an office break room--they will disappear within an hour!)
People trying to sabotague diets DO happen. However, more common is that it takes times to establish "new normals", and "new routines" with family. People just take a while to get used to it. You have to be patient and firm, but that can be done politely, graciously, and with dignity.7 -
[/quote]At first I thought it was pretty rude too. But don't you think he's right in a metaphysical way? the only way to lose weight, or maintain weight, is to resist in general. It's like saying, "If you don't have the willpower to balance, you're not ready to ride a bike." So as kids we took off the training wheels, and took our lumps on the gravel or pavement, and learned how to ride. Or...didn't.
You and I can have chocolates because at a certain point, we resist, and if you are like me, this is a skill I have worked very, very hard on, and it's not been easy, and it's not been fun, but the more I develop the skill, the better I am at it. I still fail badly from time to time, but I pick myself up, dust myself off, keep a stiff upper lip, and get back on the bike. [/quote]
To me, the post came across as "if you cannot resist at all, you're not ready to lose weight" which was a black and white way to approach this. I would have agreed with "learn from your mistake and create steps to help you on the path to moderation so you don't end up binging if you're presented with a similar situation" which would have worked better for OP considering their state of mind over the matter.
Telling someone who is obviously distraught over what happened and how they handled the situation that they are not ready because of how they handled their situation can easilly push someone with obvious binge issues into more binging. Yes, they should take full responsibility for the way they responded to the situation, but they CAN get better. It may have been that they heavily restricted calories and foods prior to the binge, too. [/quote]
Interestingly enough, I didn't take the original comment that way at all.
I've had plenty of conversations with people about the "light switch moment". It's that moment in time when you suddenly decide you've had enough of your current situation and are really and truly ready to commit to doing whatever it takes to change the situation. Weight loss is one of those things that almost always takes that moment. Ask almost anyone who has made that commitment and they can tell you exactly when that moment was and what precluded it. It's that pivotal.
You see a lot of people in here complaining about how hard it is, how they need motivation, how they don't like this or that, just can't do this or that and you simply KNOW they haven't reached that point yet. That's exactly how I took this comment.[/quote]
I experienced that moment in spring this year, however it doesn't mean I don't sill face temptation and fall of that darned wagon every now an then. The decision to lose weight can take a moment but the the process and the journey don't. It's a learning experience, and that includes setting boundaries and knowing your limits.
I do find weight loss difficult, due to medical issues, and I'm sure others do too, for other reasons. Weight loss isn't easy, it's a *kitten* that's why we're here; to get help and support to make the journey easier.
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If the worst thing my husband did was to bring chocolates on my birthday, I'd cry tears of joy at having such a loving, caring man who genuinely wanted to make me happy even if his attempt went a bit astray.
He remembered your birthday.
He remembered you enjoy chocolate.
Honestly, you won the husband lottery.
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I still dont agree with this "develop will power as a means to itself" line of thought.
I would still say Develop strategies that work for you.
It may be developing greater will power - or it may be finding ways to work with what you are .
Really basic example - if I have a bowl of chocolate peanuts and I am mindlessly eating them - I could put them on my lap and make myself have willpower to not eat them.
Or I could move them out of reach/out of sight/out of the house so i dont eat them.
neither method is better - and the aim of losing weight is to lose weight, however that may work for you.
Weight loss is about weight loss, not about developing different 'better' personality traits.
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Traveler120 wrote: »After nearly 18 months, I'm done losing weight, 37 lbs, and now down to 115 lbs and STILL have NO willpower to say no to ice cream. So instead, I control my environment and never stock any in my house and when I need to get my weekly fix, I have to go to the store and buy just 1 or 2 pints and eat it within a few hrs. If I had a partner living with me, I would forbid them from stocking half gallon tubs of ice cream. Family members who make it harder for you to lose weight, are jerks.
You would forbid them? And they would be jerks?
Probably a good thing you live alone, then.
I lost 75 lbs in a year and didn't impose restrictions on what my family could or couldn't bring into our home for themselves to consume. They are adults, fully in control of their own behaviors.
I realized early on that yummy food is everywhere and that it was up to *me* to make the change for myself, and that I had no right to impose my restrictions on others. I slowly developed the ability to moderate instead of eliminate - a skill that has stood me in good stead ever since. Not saying this method would work for everyone, (lots of people find they need to get trigger foods out of their life for a while) but in the real world it's the one that made the most sense to me. 8 -
paperpudding wrote: »I still dont agree with this "develop will power as a means to itself" line of thought.
I would still say Develop strategies that work for you.
It may be developing greater will power - or it may be finding ways to work with what you are .
Really basic example - if I have a bowl of chocolate peanuts and I am mindlessly eating them - I could put them on my lap and make myself have willpower to not eat them.
Or I could move them out of reach/out of sight/out of the house so i dont eat them.
neither method is better - and the aim of losing weight is to lose weight, however that may work for you.
Weight loss is about weight loss, not about developing different 'better' personality traits.
I don't think people are disagreeing with any of this.
But the fact is that will powder will be necessary.
Strategies work to a certain extent: IMO, eating something like chocolate peanuts out of a bowl vs. taking out a serving size and putting them away would be asking for trouble. Someone else may find that having them at home is, and I respect that. But at some point, you will face temptation: maybe someone will remember you love chocolate peanuts and give you some as a gift; maybe during the holidays your office will decide to have a big bowl of chocolate peanuts in the breakroom; maybe a friend will invite you over and offer you chocolate peanuts or want to split some during a movie, I dunno. If the response to that is "you know I can't resist chocolate peanuts! I can't! It is impossible for me, and therefore all of the people or situations are sabotaging me and making it impossible to lose weight," then that's a problem, and by that I don't mean the people or situations.
I don't really think it's fair to suggest that OP was doing that (she was venting, she was asking about a specific situation, mostly), but I think this is the sort of thing that people are talking about when mentioning taking responsibility or needing to develop will power. These sorts of situations WILL come up, better to have an ability to deal with them or think about how you will, and not just cast blame because you can't avoid chocolate peanuts. But of course that doesn't mean (IMO) that anyone is saying there's some virtue to seeing how difficult you can make it for yourself and still resist.
(As you can see, I like the chocolate peanut example!)2 -
Honestly? Be appreciative. He knows you like them and was trying to do something nice. It takes time for new habits to click, not only for you, but for the people around you. It's not your husband's fault you have trouble exerting self control. Thank him and do what you need to do to save your diet. Personally, I would use it as an exercise of self control. I've got things all over my house that look extra delicious and fattening. I made rice krispie treats for my brother's kindergarten class, and I didn't touch a single one. As hard as it was, it felt super empowering knowing that I am stronger than the food is.3
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courtneyfabulous wrote: »You could have just eaten 1 or 2 and put the rest in the freezer for some other time- or take them to work and let your coworkers eat them (or throw them away when he's not looking). No need to eat 15 chocolates in 1 day... Let him know to get you flowers or jewelry next time.
100% this.
Use such occasions as a learning opportunity to practice moderation (a positive), rather than viewing it as a hurdle and an inconvenience (a negative). Challenge yourself to see how long you can make the box last. You're always going to have situations like this in your life. How you handle them is up to you.0 -
Girl, just say NO!! That's called sabotage! Maybe he thinks if you lose weight you will not want him anymore - try to encourage him and let him know this will give you "more energy" to enjoy him even more....he'll like that!!
That was my ex-husband. I swear he had a feeder fetish. He actually accused me of wanting to get skinny and leave him. Lots of passive-aggressiveness, etc. Some people are like that.
But yeah, having not the best will-power and an avoidant personality doesn't do anyone any favors. You have to tell him point blank that you appreciate him getting you something but you can't have that. You can always eat 1 and share the rest if you REALLY feel the need to be more polite. Also, 1 chocolate isn't going to kill your diet-- you won't binge if you give it all away. Just remember to log it. Good luck to you!1 -
I was just sitting here trying to picture the gender-swapped version of this post and how people might react to that.4
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »I was just sitting here trying to picture the gender-swapped version of this post and how people might react to that.
Do you mean women who feed men to keep them overweight?0 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »I was just sitting here trying to picture the gender-swapped version of this post and how people might react to that.
Do you mean women who feed men to keep them overweight?
Well that is assuming a lot about the OPs post. No, I meant like the swap of the OPs post. So a wife gifting a husband chocolates and the husband being visibily distraught and upset about it and the wife feeling that the husband was being ungrateful.
Where did you get feeding from that? Buying someone chocolate is feeding them now?1 -
It looked like recent posts about feeders were going in that direction.Aaron_K123 wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »I was just sitting here trying to picture the gender-swapped version of this post and how people might react to that.
Do you mean women who feed men to keep them overweight?
Well that is assuming a lot about the OPs post. No, I meant like the swap of the OPs post. So a wife gifting a husband chocolates and the husband being visibily distraught and upset about it and the wife feeling that the husband was being ungrateful.
Where did you get feeding from that? Buying someone chocolate is feeding them now?0 -
It looked like recent posts about feeders were going in that direction.Aaron_K123 wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »I was just sitting here trying to picture the gender-swapped version of this post and how people might react to that.
Do you mean women who feed men to keep them overweight?
Well that is assuming a lot about the OPs post. No, I meant like the swap of the OPs post. So a wife gifting a husband chocolates and the husband being visibily distraught and upset about it and the wife feeling that the husband was being ungrateful.
Where did you get feeding from that? Buying someone chocolate is feeding them now?
Ah...I was just refering to the original post not what others may have said. I was wondering if the response would have been the same if a husband came on here complaining about a thoughtless wife gifting him chocolates when he was trying to diet. My feeling is he wouldn't have recieved much sympathy.0 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »
It looked like recent posts about feeders were going in that direction.Aaron_K123 wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »I was just sitting here trying to picture the gender-swapped version of this post and how people might react to that.
Do you mean women who feed men to keep them overweight?
Well that is assuming a lot about the OPs post. No, I meant like the swap of the OPs post. So a wife gifting a husband chocolates and the husband being visibily distraught and upset about it and the wife feeling that the husband was being ungrateful.
Where did you get feeding from that? Buying someone chocolate is feeding them now?
Ah...I was just refering to the original post not what others may have said. I was wondering if the response would have been the same if a husband came on here complaining about a thoughtless wife gifting him chocolates when he was trying to diet. My feeling is he wouldn't have recieved much sympathy.
Do women give men chocolates?0 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »
It looked like recent posts about feeders were going in that direction.Aaron_K123 wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »I was just sitting here trying to picture the gender-swapped version of this post and how people might react to that.
Do you mean women who feed men to keep them overweight?
Well that is assuming a lot about the OPs post. No, I meant like the swap of the OPs post. So a wife gifting a husband chocolates and the husband being visibily distraught and upset about it and the wife feeling that the husband was being ungrateful.
Where did you get feeding from that? Buying someone chocolate is feeding them now?
Ah...I was just refering to the original post not what others may have said. I was wondering if the response would have been the same if a husband came on here complaining about a thoughtless wife gifting him chocolates when he was trying to diet. My feeling is he wouldn't have recieved much sympathy.
Do women give men chocolates?
Why wouldn't they? I mean I like dark chocolate so occassionally my wife will buy me a dark chocolate bar because I like dark chocolate. I don't know perhaps I live in a bubble and thats really strange but if it is an outlier I have to ask why. Its not like men don't like chocolate.
So there is this expectation that good husbands buy their wives chocolate to show that they love them but that a wife buying their husband chocolate is weird? Uh...why? What is the difference?0 -
I've been married 36 years and haven't given any. But hubby doesn't like them.1
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »
It looked like recent posts about feeders were going in that direction.Aaron_K123 wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »I was just sitting here trying to picture the gender-swapped version of this post and how people might react to that.
Do you mean women who feed men to keep them overweight?
Well that is assuming a lot about the OPs post. No, I meant like the swap of the OPs post. So a wife gifting a husband chocolates and the husband being visibily distraught and upset about it and the wife feeling that the husband was being ungrateful.
Where did you get feeding from that? Buying someone chocolate is feeding them now?
Ah...I was just refering to the original post not what others may have said. I was wondering if the response would have been the same if a husband came on here complaining about a thoughtless wife gifting him chocolates when he was trying to diet. My feeling is he wouldn't have recieved much sympathy.
Do women give men chocolates?
My boyfriend loves them and I buy him a lot of chocolate, just as a small simple gift. I don't tend to buy them as much anymore though, he gets pimples if he eats too much chocolate and he can't portion his servings, and he hates pimples! Such a dillemma lol1
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