my husband thinks that I am ungrateful
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jmbmilholland wrote: »cerise_noir wrote: »nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
:laugh:
I eat chocolate AND am losing weight.
Your point? Rude and invalid.
At first I thought it was pretty rude too. But don't you think he's right in a metaphysical way? the only way to lose weight, or maintain weight, is to resist in general. It's like saying, "If you don't have the willpower to balance, you're not ready to ride a bike." So as kids we took off the training wheels, and took our lumps on the gravel or pavement, and learned how to ride. Or...didn't.
You and I can have chocolates because at a certain point, we resist, and if you are like me, this is a skill I have worked very, very hard on, and it's not been easy, and it's not been fun, but the more I develop the skill, the better I am at it. I still fail badly from time to time, but I pick myself up, dust myself off, keep a stiff upper lip, and get back on the bike.
To me, the post came across as "if you cannot resist at all, you're not ready to lose weight" which was a black and white way to approach this. I would have agreed with "learn from your mistake and create steps to help you on the path to moderation so you don't end up binging if you're presented with a similar situation" which would have worked better for OP considering their state of mind over the matter.
Telling someone who is obviously distraught over what happened and how they handled the situation that they are not ready because of how they handled their situation can easilly push someone with obvious binge issues into more binging. Yes, they should take full responsibility for the way they responded to the situation, but they CAN get better. It may have been that they heavily restricted calories and foods prior to the binge, too.1 -
I work with and train people who sometimes need to put themselves in harm's way, unfortunately.Aaron_K123 wrote: »I think I'd agree with that. Thing is though the more time you spend pushing yourself the futher away the "danger zone" becomes. If you are used to putting yourself into uncomfortable situations then it becomes harder and harder to push yourself so hard that you actually shut down. If you avoid anything difficult on a regular basis and then are confronted with difficulty you are much more likely to crumple.
I know how they work under pressure because I have put them under stress and they know what they are capable of under threat. My people train under those conditions.
Occasionally they have to deal with real threat situations and I am grateful that that have always been successful.
Then there are those who do not go to extra training (mine or others) or do not take their roles and responsibilities as seriously.
Those people often have not done as well when things went south, in my experience.
One individual I am thinking of quit his role the next day.
He was not injured but he was scared and he did shut down.
Fortunately one of my guys stepped in and only the bad guy was the worse for wear.
My guy deciding to go the extra mile & train harder; being used to the "danger zone" saved someone's life.
Sometimes people have to be shoved into the "danger zone" to know what they are capable of because they do not want to go very far out of their comfort zone.
Think about how some kids learn to swim: they are thrown in and issued directions.
At the time you are reacting as if your life is in mortal danger, because you don't know if your crazy uncle will jump in and save you or not.
But you learn the basics of swimming and you are no longer scared of it. Over and done with.
Now anything the swim coach tells you to do pales in comparison to Uncle Bob yelling "Kick your legs!"
Putting pretty labels on it is just another way to sugar-coat the fears and habits that hold people back from reaching their goals or their potential.
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why could you not just eat one and then bring the rest into your work place or something..?0
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I actually find this topic really interesting and I've noticed something else about it which is this.
Say someone complains that whenever they play with their kids and are bending over a lot they find their lower back hurts the next day. They ask for advice about what to do to stop their back from hurting. Lots of people might advise them that they should do some exercises like lower-back extensions to strengthen the muscles there so that when they are in situations that use those muscles they no longer struggle or become sore. It addresses the problem by helping to correct the weakness rather than by avoiding playing with children. That would be seen as totally reasonable advice to give. Someone who tells them "well just stop playing with your kids" would be considered a bit flippant and rude.
And yet. If you try to give the same advice about something concerning self-confidence or willpower people seem to look at you like you are an alien and I don't get that. Someone says they get invited out to dance with their friends but they are afraid to dance so they are annoyed with their friends. Well, a way to avoid that would be to go out dancing more until you cease to be afraid of it. Someone says they get chocolates from someone and are annoyed by it because they can't resist eating to many chocolates. Well, a way to avoid that would be to constantly expose yourself to chocolate and intentionally put it away and not eat it until you are used to that and it no longer bothers you. Both of these suggestions try to correct the weakness rather than avoid certain social situations. Yet those are the suggestions that are considered rude. In converse if someone advises you to tell everyone around you not to put you in those situations that is seen as the reasonable advice even though thats pretty much like telling someone with a weak back to avoid playing with children.
Why is one piece of advice considered good advice while the other is considered overly harsh or somehow wrong or foolish to even suggest? What is the difference between self confidence or willpower and muscle strength where one you can suggest improvement without coming across as rude and one you cannot?
For me its basically the same probelm and therefore the same advice. Oh, your lower back is weak? Well perhaps take some time to work on strengthening it. Oh, your will power is weak? Well perhaps take some time to work on strengthening it.15 -
If you received a knife would you start cutting something right away? If he bought you a gun, would you lock and load and become Rambo? It is perfectly okay to accept a present, ANY present. In fact it is the courteous and respectful thing to do. THEN when you get a chance it is also perfectly acceptable to share that gift, or to conveniently "forget" it somewhere.
The responsibility for what you decide to ingest is your burden and yours alone. NO ONE makes you eat, learn, feel... those choices are yours... accept that, or accept that you will continue to disappoint yourself. and if you choose the disappointment, then you need to reflect on WHY the person staring back at you in the mirror doesn't deserve to succeed in her aspirations... once you have had that long hard talk...you may be ready to find a path to success.2 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »I actually find this topic really interesting and I've noticed something else about it which is this.
Say someone complains that whenever they play with their kids and are bending over a lot they find their lower back hurts the next day. They ask for advice about what to do to stop their back from hurting. Lots of people might advise them that they should do some exercises like lower-back extensions to strengthen the muscles there so that when they are in situations that use those muscles they no longer struggle or become sore. It addresses the problem by helping to correct the weakness rather than by avoiding playing with children. That would be seen as totally reasonable advice to give. Someone who tells them "well just stop playing with your kids" would be considered a bit flippant and rude.
And yet. If you try to give the same advice about something concerning self-confidence or willpower people seem to look at you like you are an alien and I don't get that. Someone says they get invited out to dance with their friends but they are afraid to dance so they are annoyed with their friends. Well, a way to avoid that would be to go out dancing more until you cease to be afraid of it. Someone says they get chocolates from someone and are annoyed by it because they can't resist eating to many chocolates. Well, a way to avoid that would be to constantly expose yourself to chocolate and intentionally put it away and not eat it until you are used to that and it no longer bothers you. Both of these suggestions try to correct the weakness rather than avoid certain social situations. Yet those are the suggestions that are considered rude. In converse if someone advises you to tell everyone around you not to put you in those situations that is seen as the reasonable advice even though thats pretty much like telling someone with a weak back to avoid playing with children.
Why is one piece of advice considered good advice while the other is considered overly harsh or somehow wrong or foolish to even suggest? What is the difference between self confidence or willpower and muscle strength where one you can suggest improvement without coming across as rude and one you cannot?
For me its basically the same probelm and therefore the same advice. Oh, your lower back is weak? Well perhaps take some time to work on strengthening it. Oh, your will power is weak? Well perhaps take some time to work on strengthening it.
that requires acknowledging personal responsibility which is, pretty much, a thing of the past these days...8 -
I think back at any time I have bettered myself at anything. Whether it is sports, school, or public speaking and it never happened without putting myself into situations where failure in some degree was definitely an option. I had to push myself and learn new skills and new attitudes. In school and public speaking it was actually pretty easy, I was uncomfortable, but I got better the more I did it, I learned what worked for me and got more efficient as well.
Sports maybe isn't as good a metaphor. Sometimes I had to go out and lose, but even when I lost I watched what the people that beat me did, I mimicked them, adapted my game. The one thing I think sports did teach me is that every time I failed I learned what I did wrong, analyzed it, and worked to correct what I was doing to avoid it happening the next time. Sometimes the other guy will win no matter what I do, but that doesn't mean I don't win next time.
As far as the OP goes, look at this as a learning opportunity. These are things that are going to happen, make a plan for them, be better next time, but realize it is you that hold the power, not your husband.1 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »Why is one piece of advice considered good advice while the other is considered overly harsh or somehow wrong or foolish to even suggest? What is the difference between self confidence or willpower and muscle strength where one you can suggest improvement without coming across as rude and one you cannot?
For me its basically the same probelm and therefore the same advice. Oh, your lower back is weak? Well perhaps take some time to work on strengthening it. Oh, your will power is weak? Well perhaps take some time to work on strengthening it.
This is what I find so irksome about society today, people would rather coddle others and call good advice "rude" because they just don't want to own up that they have to put in the effort. I've seen a lot of people with negative mindsets, they just want to wake up and magically be skinny and then resent those who are skinny. If someone tells them to exercise or control their diet, they'll lash out and claim that it's not their fault for being so overweight, it's "genetics".
Honestly, it's so frustrating to see, especially when that kind of mindset is becoming more and more prevalent in society.1 -
Just to share a weakness I have with regards to weight management its an open buffet at parties. If I go out for dinner at a restaurant where I am handed a menu I can order something that I consider healthy and when it arrives guage the portion and eat accordingly no problem. But, if its a full buffet at a party I will grab a little here, a little there and end up overeating by some unknown amount. Does that mean I avoid buffets? Hell no, that means I go to buffets. For a while that means I'm going to be fatter than I should be but eventually I will learn how to control myself in those situations and when that happens I won't have to think about it anymore.
My overall plan is ths. I identify each weakness I have for weight management and one by one I conquer them by meeting them head-on and practicing control. Once I've knocked the last one out then I basically won't have to struggle anymore, maintenance will become more natural...there won't be situations where I tend to lose control.
If instead I tried to avoid absolutely every situation where I might lose control I'd never improve and quite frankly thats impossible so I'd keep failing and beating myself up about it later. Like I said, no way to live.2 -
Now we've turned a corner.2
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I'm reading this thread and I have mixed emotions....
1 - should she really have to eat one everyday JUST to make her HUSBAND feel good and not be considered mean? She is taking stock of her health, she is serious and she shouldn't have to eat what she doesn't just to make someone else feel better?
2 - is this something to really create distance over? When you talk this out loud it seems crazy to fight with your hubby over what he thought was a nice gift. Explain to him why in a loving way and stick to your guns... He shouldn't feel bad...just make a note not to give food gifts....
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How do I explain to my husband that a box of chocolates is an unsuitable present for a chocoholic overweight wife in the second week of a weight loss diet. Incidently I responded by eating 15 in quick succession before our birthday tea which included a raspberry and cream dessert cake made by his 92 year old mum. The outcome is 1500 Cal daily excess, an exploding tummy and a deep feeling of resentfulness. Help me!
Last year my coworkers and sister gave me WAY too much chocolate. So I'm going to let them know that I appreciate it very much, but Less is More (or something; haven't figured out the exact wording yet.) My SO helped me moderate - he put the box from one of my coworkers in his car and brought it up when he visited me. I put some of the chocolate from my sister in "his" drawer and promptly forgot about it in between visits - I've trained my brain to do that. Another coworker sends me home made treats that I don't even try to moderate - I just hope they arrive on a day when I'm burning lots of calories from shoveling snow.
When I first started I felt like my SO was sabotaging me, but I trained him to schedule high calorie foods like pizza in advance so I could budget for it and we learned that we were satisfied with the 4 ounce mini cups of ice cream instead of the "smalls" at ice cream stands, which are more like 12 oz.
TL; DR - communication!
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »I'm reading this thread and I have mixed emotions....
1 - should she really have to eat one everyday JUST to make her HUSBAND feel good and not be considered mean? She is taking stock of her health, she is serious and she shouldn't have to eat what she doesn't just to make someone else feel better?
2 - is this something to really create distance over? When you talk this out loud it seems crazy to fight with your hubby over what he thought was a nice gift. Explain to him why in a loving way and stick to your guns... He shouldn't feel bad...just make a note not to give food gifts....
No...she shouldn't "have to do" anything, she is the one in control. If she is not the one in control then its her control issues that are the underlying problem that needs to be dealt with. This one scenario is a symptom of the problem, not the cause.7 -
Time to repost this Moderator vs Abstainer article:
http://gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2012/10/back-by-popular-demand-are-you-an-abstainer-or-a-moderator/
...When dealing with temptation, I often see the advice, “Be moderate. Don’t have ice cream every night, but if you try to deny yourself altogether, you’ll fall off the wagon. Allow yourself to have the occasional treat, it will help you stick to your plan.”
I’ve come to believe that this is good advice for some people: the “moderators.” They do better when they avoid absolutes and strict rules.
For a long time, I kept trying this strategy of moderation–and failing. Then I read a line from Samuel Johnson, who said, when someone offered him wine: “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.”
Ah ha! Like Dr. Johnson, I’m an “abstainer.”
I find it far easier to give something up altogether than to indulge moderately. When I admitted to myself that I was eating my favorite frozen yogurt treat very often–two and even three times a day–I gave it up cold turkey. That was far easier for me to do than to eat it twice a week. If I try to be moderate, I exhaust myself debating, “Today, tomorrow?” “Does this time ‘count’?” “Don’t I deserve this?” etc. If I never do something, it requires no self-control for me; if I do something sometimes, it requires enormous self-control.
There’s no right way or wrong way–it’s just a matter of knowing which strategy works better for you. If moderators try to abstain, they feel trapped and rebellious. If abstainers try to be moderate, they spend a lot of precious energy justifying why they should go ahead and indulge.
*****
If the OP feels the need to abstain at this time, suggesting moderation isn't suitable advice.11 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I'm reading this thread and I have mixed emotions....
1 - should she really have to eat one everyday JUST to make her HUSBAND feel good and not be considered mean? She is taking stock of her health, she is serious and she shouldn't have to eat what she doesn't just to make someone else feel better?
2 - is this something to really create distance over? When you talk this out loud it seems crazy to fight with your hubby over what he thought was a nice gift. Explain to him why in a loving way and stick to your guns... He shouldn't feel bad...just make a note not to give food gifts....
No...she shouldn't "have to do" anything, she is the one in control. If she is not the one in control then its her control issues that are the underlying problem that needs to be dealt with. This one scenario is a symptom of the problem, not the cause.
My control issues lead me to create Amazon wish lists for some family members and just let others know directly what I want for gifts. That's how I got my FitBit and digital food scale 5 -
kshama2001 wrote: »How do I explain to my husband that a box of chocolates is an unsuitable present for a chocoholic overweight wife in the second week of a weight loss diet. Incidently I responded by eating 15 in quick succession before our birthday tea which included a raspberry and cream dessert cake made by his 92 year old mum. The outcome is 1500 Cal daily excess, an exploding tummy and a deep feeling of resentfulness. Help me!
Last year my coworkers and sister gave me WAY too much chocolate. So I'm going to let them know that I appreciate it very much, but Less is More (or something; haven't figured out the exact wording yet.) My SO helped me moderate - he put the box from one of my coworkers in his car and brought it up when he visited me. I put some of the chocolate from my sister in "his" drawer and promptly forgot about it in between visits - I've trained my brain to do that. Another coworker sends me home made treats that I don't even try to moderate - I just hope they arrive on a day when I'm burning lots of calories from shoveling snow.
When I first started I felt like my SO was sabotaging me, but I trained him to schedule high calorie foods like pizza in advance so I could budget for it and we learned that we were satisfied with the 4 ounce mini cups of ice cream instead of the "smalls" at ice cream stands, which are more like 12 oz.
TL; DR - communication!
My hubby knows to give me a heads up when he wants pizza. That way I won't get a surprise and can plan the calories in.
I solved the chocolates problem by having a heart to heart to let him know that although I love it that I'm cutting back on calories. Fortunately he started working on losing weight also, so I have a sympathizer now.2 -
No, not at all. But it's a gift. You "should" say thanks for a gift and then do with it whatever you want.STLBADGIRL wrote: »should she really have to eat one everyday JUST to make her HUSBAND feel good and not be considered mean?
OP, your DH bought you something while thinking of you - that's what every gift is to me: a physical representation that someone was thinking of me enough to go out and buy something, even if it's not perfect.
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_dracarys_ wrote: »Now we've turned a corner.
There are no corners on MFP only circles that go round and round.
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I'm reading this thread and I have mixed emotions....
1 - should she really have to eat one everyday JUST to make her HUSBAND feel good and not be considered mean? She is taking stock of her health, she is serious and she shouldn't have to eat what she doesn't just to make someone else feel better?
2 - is this something to really create distance over? When you talk this out loud it seems crazy to fight with your hubby over what he thought was a nice gift. Explain to him why in a loving way and stick to your guns... He shouldn't feel bad...just make a note not to give food gifts....
No...she shouldn't "have to do" anything, she is the one in control. If she is not the one in control then its her control issues that are the underlying problem that needs to be dealt with. This one scenario is a symptom of the problem, not the cause.
Thanks for responding. I had to get out of that bad habit. Someone cooked food or baked sweets, and I would feel guilty if I didn't eat it because it would make them mad. I had to learn that I couldn't compromise my goals and my standards to please someone else. I'm sure the OP can have one each day, but if this would blow her whole diet or her goals, then eating even (1) is not good. That might work for someone else, but her, it might be devastating. And again, she shouldn't have to do it, just to make someone else feel good, when it is going against the goals she set for herself.1
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