my husband thinks that I am ungrateful
Replies
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nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
What are you talking about? 'not ready to lose weight' - what does that even mean? If we all had to be in perfect mental states with iron-strong self control before trying to lose weight we would never do it.6 -
Why couldn't you have eaten them in moderation. 1 or 2 per day is not going to make too much impact to your calories. But eating a whole box in one sitting is not going to help you to re-learn your eating habits.2
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My hubby buys chocolate bars, cakes, ice cream, knowing I can't say no to them. But it's on me. I've lost 80 lbs so far, and it's been a huge struggle, but whether I eat those yummies when they come into my house is up to me. Can I say I may have lost the weight faster if he hadn't brought home chocolate and cakes so often? Probably. But buying them for me made him feel good, it was him thinking about making me happy. The worst I say on these days is "You didn't!!" Instead of burning him at the stake, I enjoy them, try to moderate my intake, and move on. Thank your hubby for being so sweet, for thinking about you, he tried to make you happy in the way he knows how; eat one or two, not TWELVE, and move on..xo2
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My question is did you eat that many in spite cause you were angry with him for to putting those in your face, or was there a true power at will that occurred?
I did see that you were considering baiting mice with them.. curious how your husband would have reacted to that? LOL
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My husband bought me a box of Milk Tray as part of my birthday. I was like, really, chocolates, are you trying to kill me haha. i've since lost them. i have no idea what i did with that box of chocolates, and i want them. i may have blocked out the memory of moving them as we had a huge argument that night (also made up that same night). if i get something like that i just say thanks, i wont eat them just now, but i'll have a nibble later. he usually ends up eating most of my chocolate anyhow, as he's a greedy piggy who cant keep his hands off my chocolatey goodies!1
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Communication. It's not a foregone conclusion that a dieting wife doesn't want chocolates as a present. I love getting chocolates. I hoard them up and make them last.
Anyway, anyone saying anything but "thank you" for a birthday present sets my teeth on edge. Yes, I might have got you the wrong thing, but I don't want to KNOW that. The point of the present wasn't the actual thing, it was the gesture, and I would prefer the person takes it in that spirit, is thankful for the thought behind it, and quietly disposes of it however they see fit. I do my best to pick appropriate gifts that people will like, but I'm not perfect at it, and if I give you a hat, I'm not obliging you to wear it - feel free to give it away or return it but don't come and tell me it was the wrong thing to give you, I feel that as rejection. Similarly if I give you a box of chocolates, I'm not obliging you to eat them. Give them away or whatever, and take the gesture as it was intended.
You see, it's a minefield. Presents mean different things to different people, and there are lots of opportunities for hurt feelings here. Communication is key, and I also advise you to come up with a strategy to deal with edible gifts, whether it's giving them away, portioning then out or eating them all at once and accepting the effect on your goals. Even if you can persuade your husband to avoid them in future, do you really want to have this conversation with every relative or friend who decides to give you a treat? That WILL lead to hurt feelings.
I would also add that if you start calorie counting 2 weeks before your birthday, you can't expect perfect adherence in those first 2 weeks. Most people overeat on birthdays and that's OK. Accept it and move on.14 -
Today we see the dark side of MFP
"My husband brings me food I can't moderate!" "Oh, just be grateful, and eat them in moderation!" 14 -
I can't moderate either, but I still love being given chocolates. I put them away somewhere I can't easily reach them (for a while I had a stash of chocolate oranges in the loft) and get my boyfriend to retrieve them for me when I want them and have budgeted for the calories.1
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kommodevaran wrote: »Today we see the dark side of MFP "My husband brings me food I can't moderate!" "Oh, just be grateful, and eat them in moderation!"
If you can't moderate, give them away. Or throw them away. The point is, the person losing weight needs their *own* strategy, rather than throwing the responsibility onto others. You can't make the world into a padded cell that's free of temptation.17 -
My ex husband used to do the same thing to me! (note his status is EX). He was overweight as well.....I just have to conclude he was sabotaging my efforts. Nip this in the bud now....it borders on cruelty.1
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nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
That seems a really silly POV to me
Some people are ready to resist everything and others need to make baby steps getting toward that - or they have some foods which are always triggers to them and they are better off not having them in the house at all ( and nicely asking spouses to buy alternative gifts next time)
having great will power is not a goal in itself - finding a way to manage your lack of will power (eg by not having boxes of chocolates in the house) is the better approach for some people.
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nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
Way to set up a total failure mindset. "If I can't be perfect, then why bother trying" - that's what causes a lot of people to give up trying to lose weight.7 -
It is too early to call this cruelty or sabotage or even enablement. He has not persistently bought fattening things on a weekly basis, or tried to blackmail her into eating fast food with him (as I've read of some partners doing) or ridiculed her efforts. The guy bought his wife a box of chocolates for her birthday. That's all. And she ate more than she meant to and is worried because she's new to this and it takes time to learn that one day over goal is not a big deal (honestly, OP, it isn't, 1500 over is pretty restrained for your birthday party - they only come once a year). It will also take him time to learn what she does and doesn't want in her new eating habits. It is not a sign of anything at this point - just that there's something that needs to be talked about, that's all.6
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CattOfTheGarage wrote: »Communication. It's not a foregone conclusion that a dieting wife doesn't want chocolates as a present. I love getting chocolates. I hoard them up and make them last.
Anyway, anyone saying anything but "thank you" for a birthday present sets my teeth on edge. Yes, I might have got you the wrong thing, but I don't want to KNOW that. The point of the present wasn't the actual thing, it was the gesture, and I would prefer the person takes it in that spirit, is thankful for the thought behind it, and quietly disposes of it however they see fit. I do my best to pick appropriate gifts that people will like, but I'm not perfect at it, and if I give you a hat, I'm not obliging you to wear it - feel free to give it away or return it but don't come and tell me it was the wrong thing to give you, I feel that as rejection. Similarly if I give you a box of chocolates, I'm not obliging you to eat them. Give them away or whatever, and take the gesture as it was intended.
You see, it's a minefield. Presents mean different things to different people, and there are lots of opportunities for hurt feelings here. Communication is key, and I also advise you to come up with a strategy to deal with edible gifts, whether it's giving them away, portioning then out or eating them all at once and accepting the effect on your goals. Even if you can persuade your husband to avoid them in future, do you really want to have this conversation with every relative or friend who decides to give you a treat? That WILL lead to hurt feelings.
I would also add that if you start calorie counting 2 weeks before your birthday, you can't expect perfect adherence in those first 2 weeks. Most people overeat on birthdays and that's OK. Accept it and move on.
Hmmm - You say communication is the key but you dont want to know (ie be communicated to) if presents are unsuitable.
I agree if a work colleague or similar gave me something i dont really want, i would just accept it with good grace and not say anything.
But if one cant have an honest conversation with ones own spouse about buying alternative presents without it causing feelings of rejection- there is a bigger problem than chocolates.
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I'm a sober alcoholic. Every year people buy me bottles of wine. The problem is mine not theirs. My weight is my problem not theirs. They are trying to be nice, kind, or loving. I sincerely say "Thank you" and re-gift as soon as possible...
I agree ^. Sometimes it is good to stay away from triggers. Boxed chocolates are one of mine, unfortunately. Regifting solves the problem. Last year, for instance, I got a box of chocolates during the Christmas holidays from a well-meaning relative. I struggled over whether to moderate the chocolates and open the cellophane or leave it sealed. I decided to give it away. I did not regret that. If items stay closed or wrapped I'm not tempted.
If i started I would have eaten two or three at a time, experienced the sugar high, the crash, and then the carb crave for more cycle if I had started up. Then in a couple hours I would have had a couple more chocolates and experienced the endorphins and then the crash/crave/more cycle. It isn't all about "no self control/lack of discipline" as some other posters are implying.2 -
I have tried and tried having chocolate, biscuits, cookies, chips, etc, in the cupboard, but they keep calling for me. So I stopped buying them. I have made my own padded cell free of temptation - my home. I consider that a human right. That means I made a strategy, it works, but it's my own responsibility to stick to that strategy. I'm not saying OP's husband is sabotaging, but we need some boundaries and structure to stick to a strategy (and in the beginning, those boundaries may have to be a bit tight). He's not helping OP to stick to that strategy.CattOfTheGarage wrote: »kommodevaran wrote: »Today we see the dark side of MFP "My husband brings me food I can't moderate!" "Oh, just be grateful, and eat them in moderation!"
If you can't moderate, give them away. Or throw them away. The point is, the person losing weight needs their *own* strategy, rather than throwing the responsibility onto others. You can't make the world into a padded cell that's free of temptation.5 -
paperpudding wrote: »CattOfTheGarage wrote: »Communication. It's not a foregone conclusion that a dieting wife doesn't want chocolates as a present. I love getting chocolates. I hoard them up and make them last.
Anyway, anyone saying anything but "thank you" for a birthday present sets my teeth on edge. Yes, I might have got you the wrong thing, but I don't want to KNOW that. The point of the present wasn't the actual thing, it was the gesture, and I would prefer the person takes it in that spirit, is thankful for the thought behind it, and quietly disposes of it however they see fit. I do my best to pick appropriate gifts that people will like, but I'm not perfect at it, and if I give you a hat, I'm not obliging you to wear it - feel free to give it away or return it but don't come and tell me it was the wrong thing to give you, I feel that as rejection. Similarly if I give you a box of chocolates, I'm not obliging you to eat them. Give them away or whatever, and take the gesture as it was intended.
You see, it's a minefield. Presents mean different things to different people, and there are lots of opportunities for hurt feelings here. Communication is key, and I also advise you to come up with a strategy to deal with edible gifts, whether it's giving them away, portioning then out or eating them all at once and accepting the effect on your goals. Even if you can persuade your husband to avoid them in future, do you really want to have this conversation with every relative or friend who decides to give you a treat? That WILL lead to hurt feelings.
I would also add that if you start calorie counting 2 weeks before your birthday, you can't expect perfect adherence in those first 2 weeks. Most people overeat on birthdays and that's OK. Accept it and move on.
Hmmm - You say communication is the key but you dont want to know (ie be communicated to) if presents are unsuitable.
I agree if a work colleague or similar gave me something i dont really want, i would just accept it with good grace and not say anything.
But if one cant have an honest conversation with ones own spouse about buying alternative presents without it causing feelings of rejection- there is a bigger problem than chocolates.
This is a good point. I'm not saying OP should not talk to hubby, I'm using my own hypersensitivity as an example of why this is a fraught subject and should be handled with care - don't assume the other person attaches the same meaning to a gift as you do, they may see it in a different way. Also it's better to talk about gift expectations beforehand rather than react badly afterwards, which can feel like rejection.
@kommedavaran we all control the environment in our own homes to help our goals - I suppose the question is how far you go with that (a) when someone else shares that home and has different goals, and (b) when you're talking about the world outside the home. People giving you presents is essentially out of your control, so how do you cope with that? My argument is you need to have a strategy for dealing with edible presents, other than trying to stop people giving them to you. Even if that strategy is as simple as saying "thank you" and giving them away.2 -
My husband always calls me on his way home from work to see if we need anything from the store. You know, milk, cream, bread, etc. He would also sometimes pick up a chocolate bar for me as a treat - one of the many ways he has of showing he loves me and is thinking of me.
When I went on my diet last year (and lost 75 lbs) I asked him not to pick me up a chocolate bar anymore unless I asked him for one.
He bought them for me because he loves me. He stopped buying them for me because he loves me.
Communication is key. 24 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »My husband always calls me on his way home from work to see if we need anything from the store. You know, milk, cream, bread, etc. He would also sometimes pick up a chocolate bar for me as a treat - one of the many ways he has of showing he loves me and is thinking of me.
When I went on my diet last year (and lost 75 lbs) I asked him not to pick me up a chocolate bar anymore unless I asked him for one.
He bought them for me because he loves me. He stopped buying them for me because he loves me.
Communication is key.
You found a man who listens the first time you tell him something
And takes it in?
Wha? Where?
:bigsmile:12 -
Don't stress on this too much. It was one day...a birthday for that matter, so have your chocolates and your cake. Your husband is not being evil because he bought you something that he knows you love. Accept the gift, log the calories and leave it alone.
If he continues to buy treats for you, or for the house and it bothers you, maybe make mention that you'd prefer if he stopped, at least until you have your eating a little more under control. But this sounds like something blown a little out of proportion.
Good luck.1 -
How do I explain to my husband that a box of chocolates is an unsuitable present for a chocoholic overweight wife in the second week of a weight loss diet. Incidently I responded by eating 15 in quick succession before our birthday tea which included a raspberry and cream dessert cake made by his 92 year old mum. The outcome is 1500 Cal daily excess, an exploding tummy and a deep feeling of resentfulness. Help me!
Chocolate, birthdays and other special occasions will not disappear because you want to lose weight. You need a plan, where you lose weight and these things continue to exist. Next time, eat one piece of chocolate, as a treat, once a day. Eat a small portion of cake on this special day, or spend more time at the gym, or go for a long walk or eat less the rest of the day. O thank grandma and do nto eat, jsut take it home with you for when you can eat it. If the plan for weight loss and maintaining the new weight is for desserts to disappear, then this plan cannot work.0 -
I haven't read all the comments on this long topic. If I told my husband I was going to make an effort to lose weight, and he knew I couldn't resist chocolate, and bought some for me, I would be really mad. It isn't nice to do that and if nothing else would mean he didn't take me seriously. My home is one of the few places where I can control what I eat, especially trigger foods.
I would give the chocolates to my next door neighbors (I want to say throw in the trash, but not to my husband, especially when the neighbors would take the chocolates. I used to work in a food office, both clients and workers, and even thought about quitting every year around the holidays to get away from the mountains of food. When clients brought me Christmas food gifts I would wait until they left and throw the food (stuff with thousands of calories) in the dumpster or walk down the block and give it to the community soup kitchen.1 -
Pathmonkey wrote: »My ex husband used to do the same thing to me! (note his status is EX). He was overweight as well.....I just have to conclude he was sabotaging my efforts. Nip this in the bud now....it borders on cruelty.
I have to conclude you just never took responsibility for your lack of willpower and determination.
Cruelty? Yes, how cruel of her husband to buy her a gift. *eyeroll*11 -
I'm a sober alcoholic. Every year people buy me bottles of wine. The problem is mine not theirs. My weight is my problem not theirs. They are trying to be nice, kind, or loving. I sincerely say "Thank you" and re-gift as soon as possible. They don't require a dissertation on my neurosis du jour. I must to accept my responsibility for my life. When all else fails I go for a run........ A different obsession.
Yup, I could have written this same post.
I think communicating with the husband is the issue, and yeah, I wouldn't expect someone really close to me to buy me booze, but the idea that if it is purchased for you you lose all control and have no responsibility for eating or drinking it is nuts.1 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »My husband always calls me on his way home from work to see if we need anything from the store. You know, milk, cream, bread, etc. He would also sometimes pick up a chocolate bar for me as a treat - one of the many ways he has of showing he loves me and is thinking of me.
When I went on my diet last year (and lost 75 lbs) I asked him not to pick me up a chocolate bar anymore unless I asked him for one.
He bought them for me because he loves me. He stopped buying them for me because he loves me.
Communication is key.
You found a man who listens the first time you tell him something
And takes it in?
Wha? Where?
:bigsmile:
I shopped around.
A lot. 11 -
paperpudding wrote: »nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
That seems a really silly POV to me
Some people are ready to resist everything and others need to make baby steps getting toward that - or they have some foods which are always triggers to them and they are better off not having them in the house at all ( and nicely asking spouses to buy alternative gifts next time)
having great will power is not a goal in itself - finding a way to manage your lack of will power (eg by not having boxes of chocolates in the house) is the better approach for some people.
I thought he or she was right.
Not that OP should have eaten them (that depends), but that if you are going to use temptation -- being given a box of chocolates -- as an excuse for overeating, you are still in excuse mode, not in a frame of mind to take responsibility.
I don't buy a box of chocolates for myself because why make it harder, but I've been given them and didn't pretend that forced me to eat it anymore than the fact that there is food at my office always forces me to eat it. In the world we live in most of us will be exposed to foods we find tempting quite often. If that means we can't diet, we aren't ready.
If she doesn't want to eat the chocolates (which I think is a valid choice, although I'd probably moderate them by eating them over a long period of time), then giving them away and explaining to her husband that she doesn't feel like she can exercise self control now is an okay solution. It's not what I'd do (I feel terrible if people think I don't like a gift, so I'd pretend to like it and do the freezer thing), but I think that's my own neurosis, probably. I would be sure to communicate with him about not wanting food-based gifts before the next gift-giving day.
Using it as an excuse for overeating, that's lying to herself.6 -
kommodevaran wrote: »
I have tried and tried having chocolate, biscuits, cookies, chips, etc, in the cupboard, but they keep calling for me. So I stopped buying them. I have made my own padded cell free of temptation - my home. I consider that a human right. That means I made a strategy, it works, but it's my own responsibility to stick to that strategy. I'm not saying OP's husband is sabotaging, but we need some boundaries and structure to stick to a strategy (and in the beginning, those boundaries may have to be a bit tight). He's not helping OP to stick to that strategy.CattOfTheGarage wrote: »kommodevaran wrote: »Today we see the dark side of MFP "My husband brings me food I can't moderate!" "Oh, just be grateful, and eat them in moderation!"
If you can't moderate, give them away. Or throw them away. The point is, the person losing weight needs their *own* strategy, rather than throwing the responsibility onto others. You can't make the world into a padded cell that's free of temptation.
IMO, blaming him for not getting this (what OP seemed to be doing, and what others accusing him of "sabotage" were doing) is wrong. He was trying to be nice. Communicating with him in advance is the answer. Too often people think loved ones should be able to read their minds, IMO.
But if OP claims he MADE her eat, that's a separate problem, and not about moderation vs. not.3 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »I have to ask though if just the appearance of chocolate causes you to overeat by 1500 calories what is your long-term plan for maintaining at a healthy weight?
Sounds to me like you need to practice self-discipline and control and practice with occasional exposure to chocolate might be good for that. When encountering chocolate realize that that is going to happen throughout your life and rather than casting external blame remind yourself of your goals and ask whether your goals are more or less important to you than chocolate and act accordingly.
Living literally in fear of chocolate and feeling anger towards those that offer it is no way to live.
Here is the thing. If a loved one buys you chocolate and your response to that is to set it aside and not touch it then they will pick up on that and next time they won't buy you chocolate. All with you not having said a word. If they feel offended you didn't eat their gift then that's on them and if they need to know why they can ask you and you can give them a totally reasonable response.
This. Part of this process is learning how to appropriately handle the real life situations you're going to face in the many years of maintenance that come after the short weight loss phase. Birthdays, holidays and food gifts are a part of that. This isn't about your husband, it's about you learning how to deal with real life in a way that fits with your goals.
A gift of chocolate is a great opportunity practice moderation. Figure out how many you can fit in with your calorie goals and then enjoy your chocolate, guilt free. And when you go over, which will happen once in a while, use that as a learning opportunity as well. Learn how to get back on plan the next day, how one higher calorie day does not cancel out all the progress you've already made and most importantly- how this is a lifelong process and life is better with a bit of chocolate once in a while 4 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »My husband always calls me on his way home from work to see if we need anything from the store. You know, milk, cream, bread, etc. He would also sometimes pick up a chocolate bar for me as a treat - one of the many ways he has of showing he loves me and is thinking of me.
When I went on my diet last year (and lost 75 lbs) I asked him not to pick me up a chocolate bar anymore unless I asked him for one.
He bought them for me because he loves me. He stopped buying them for me because he loves me.
Communication is key.
You found a man who listens the first time you tell him something
And takes it in?
Wha? Where?
:bigsmile:
I shopped around.
A lot.
Ahhh
I always used to enjoy ...shopping4 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »My husband always calls me on his way home from work to see if we need anything from the store. You know, milk, cream, bread, etc. He would also sometimes pick up a chocolate bar for me as a treat - one of the many ways he has of showing he loves me and is thinking of me.
When I went on my diet last year (and lost 75 lbs) I asked him not to pick me up a chocolate bar anymore unless I asked him for one.
He bought them for me because he loves me. He stopped buying them for me because he loves me.
Communication is key.
You found a man who listens the first time you tell him something
And takes it in?
Wha? Where?
:bigsmile:
I shopped around.
A lot.
Ahhh
I always used to enjoy ...shopping
It was mostly window shopping, mind you. Not like I took them all home, tried them on and then returned them the next day.
You can learn a lot about whether they will suit you or not while they're still in the store.
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