my husband thinks that I am ungrateful
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How do I explain to my husband that a box of chocolates is an unsuitable present for a chocoholic overweight wife in the second week of a weight loss diet. Incidently I responded by eating 15 in quick succession before our birthday tea which included a raspberry and cream dessert cake made by his 92 year old mum. The outcome is 1500 Cal daily excess, an exploding tummy and a deep feeling of resentfulness. Help me!
So just so people remember, this is OP's original comment. I think we've really chased some rabbits here xD
OP - Freeze the rest for treats, thank your husband for caring and giving you a gift, communicate it's not that you're ungrateful, but you're just concerned about self control, and suggest flowers or a healthy dinner cooked by him in a sexy outfit next time
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The resentfulness is what I picked up on, but I think the subthread about "you aren't ready" started after the sabotage comment and then the comments about "would you bring a bottle of whiskey to the local AA meeting" type comments, which weren't (mostly, at least) OP.
Anyway, communication is obviously the answer to the present problem.0 -
After nearly 18 months, I'm done losing weight, 37 lbs, and now down to 115 lbs and STILL have NO willpower to say no to ice cream. So instead, I control my environment and never stock any in my house and when I need to get my weekly fix, I have to go to the store and buy just 1 or 2 pints and eat it within a few hrs. If I had a partner living with me, I would forbid them from stocking half gallon tubs of ice cream. Family members who make it harder for you to lose weight, are jerks.3
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PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
I can't wait to use this advice on my infant niece when she starts learning to walk. "If you're still reaching to the coffee table, you're not ready."
OP is not an infant. That really should be relevant.
EDIT:Obviously, someone with no control over their chocolate moderation has developmental milestones to reach. Just because it's character development vs. neurological development doesn't mean it isn't development. Just because someone is grown, that doesn't mean they don't still have growing to do. Everyone who has trouble losing weight faces a similar issue. What I'm saying, and what others have already said in response to that same comment, is that just because you haven't overcome every hurdle, that doesn't mean you can't continue making progress losing weight. Saying she isn't ready is absurd.
Actually with that explanation it makes a lot more sense to me what you meant.0 -
Haven't there been other posts where the wife announces that she is losing weight, then the husband very thoughtfully gives her something to assist the weight loss, or is just basically supportive ("TOO supportive, dammit!") and again, there is fury, chagrin, and fire-and-brimstone judgment raining down on the hapless husband's head from the MFP community? Or am I just making that up? It seems like this is a thing.
Anyways, I'd be careful complaining about a box of chocolates on my birthday because I'd be setting myself up for a juicer and bag of carrots for Christmas. Which, fortunately for my husband, I would find to be hilarious. (And I'd get the last laugh because I'd upgrade to a Vitamix!
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PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »_dracarys_ wrote: »PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
I can't wait to use this advice on my infant niece when she starts learning to walk. "If you're still reaching to the coffee table, you're not ready."
Someone whose brain isn't fully developed vs. someone whose is...hmmmmHeartisalonelyhunter wrote: »PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
I can't wait to use this advice on my infant niece when she starts learning to walk. "If you're still reaching to the coffee table, you're not ready."
So now a baby reaching a developmental milestone is equivalent to someone being unable to stop thenselves stuffing their face with chocolate? Just no.
Obviously, someone with no control over their chocolate moderation has developmental milestones to reach. Just because it's character development vs. neurological development doesn't mean it isn't development. Just because someone is grown, that doesn't mean they don't still have growing to do. Everyone who has trouble losing weight faces a similar issue. What I'm saying, and what others have already said in response to that same comment, is that just because you haven't overcome every hurdle, that doesn't mean you can't continue making progress losing weight. Saying she isn't ready is absurd.Aaron_K123 wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
That seems a really silly POV to me
Some people are ready to resist everything and others need to make baby steps getting toward that - or they have some foods which are always triggers to them and they are better off not having them in the house at all ( and nicely asking spouses to buy alternative gifts next time)
having great will power is not a goal in itself - finding a way to manage your lack of will power (eg by not having boxes of chocolates in the house) is the better approach for some people.
I disagree. Having great willpower is what makes losing weight easier. If you don't have great willpower, you should probably take steps to improve your willpower as it will benefit you greatly...not only in weightloss either but in life. In a way, taking steps to improve your willpower will better benefit your health and wellbeing than losing weight in and of itself.
Agreed but it's easier said than done! Or everyone would be thin...
Didn't say it was easy, said it was something worth working on rather than avoiding.3 -
I've noticed a trend here and on other threads. There seems to be the assumption that if someone suggests a certain approach then that person must consider that approach easy. Like it is somehow unthinkable to suggest something hard.
I realize developing willpower is hard, I realize it is easier to just try to avoid it. It isn't a question of whats the easiest its a question of what is best and in my opinion it is much better to work on your willpower and extend that control to your life (not just in eating but in other arenas) that is is to try to construct your life around the avoiding of certain things or situations.
Never said or claimed it was the easier way. But since when was easiest the same as best?13 -
nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
:laugh:
I eat chocolate AND am losing weight.
Your point? Rude and invalid.2 -
It seems like many people would rather you handled others (or them) with kid gloves instead of laying it on the line.Aaron_K123 wrote: »Never said or claimed it was the easier way. But since when was easiest the same as best?
Going into something thinking it will be easy helps set you up for disappointment and then failure.
Accepting that parts of this will be hard -and being reminded of it- helps to keep our goals realistic and attainable.
No one is ever going to develop willpower or self-control for you and in fact people will often sabotage your efforts, even if it is accidentally.
Taking the easy route is what got many people so far from their fitness goals in the first place.
Face it, own it and then beat it.
If you do the hard parts first then everything else will be easier, in comparison.
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cerise_noir wrote: »nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
:laugh:
I eat chocolate AND am losing weight.
Your point? Rude and invalid.
At first I thought it was pretty rude too. But don't you think he's right in a metaphysical way? the only way to lose weight, or maintain weight, is to resist in general. It's like saying, "If you don't have the willpower to balance, you're not ready to ride a bike." So as kids we took off the training wheels, and took our lumps on the gravel or pavement, and learned how to ride. Or...didn't.
You and I can have chocolates because at a certain point, we resist, and if you are like me, this is a skill I have worked very, very hard on, and it's not been easy, and it's not been fun, but the more I develop the skill, the better I am at it. I still fail badly from time to time, but I pick myself up, dust myself off, keep a stiff upper lip, and get back on the bike.6 -
I'd just thank him and toss it in secret. Then some days later tell him real easy future gifts could be pedicure gift certs... or whatever floats your boat. I like that he is getting you things.. It isn't the gift it is that he thought about what you like.. liked.
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As an aside, I wonder what the aggregate fitness levels are for the "tough love" camp compared to the "kid gloves" camp.
Does anyone know of any clinical trails or studies on the results with contrasting motivation styles?
After over 25 years of coaching, I am convinced that training the "willpower muscle" by practicing discipline and self-control will get you superior results compared to the easier "everyone gets a trophy for trying" but I occasionally feel like a minority on these boards.
I tell people in my training programs that I am not there to make them feel better about themselves.
I think that may be a core difference.5 -
Sometimes my husband surprises me with food I didn't want. I always say a heartfelt thank you first because I appreciate the thoughtfulness and would have very much appreciated it in different circumstances. Then I say gently, "But, I wasn't going to get this again. At least for a little while." And hug him. I might give it to our kids or ask him if he wants to take it to work, or he can have it at home (put it in a cabinet that I don't eat food from).2
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It seems like many people would rather you handled others (or them) with kid gloves instead of laying it on the line.Aaron_K123 wrote: »Never said or claimed it was the easier way. But since when was easiest the same as best?
Going into something thinking it will be easy helps set you up for disappointment and then failure.
Accepting that parts of this will be hard -and being reminded of it- helps to keep our goals realistic and attainable.
No one is ever going to develop willpower or self-control for you and in fact people will often sabotage your efforts, even if it is accidentally.
Taking the easy route is what got many people so far from their fitness goals in the first place.
Face it, own it and then beat it.
If you do the hard parts first then everything else will be easier, in comparison.
Exactly. Recognize what you struggle with and intentionally work on THAT. Don't hide from the difficult, seek it out and push against it. Be stronger.
I used to be incredibly shy. So do you know what I did about that? I listed out what situations made me uncomfortable and then intentionally did those things until they stopped making me uncomfortable. Speaking in public is scary? Volunteer to give speeches. Dancing in public is scary? Go to your local mall put on some headphones and practice your dance moves in the middle of the mall. Numb yourself to it and eventually you will wonder why it was ever such a problem for you. Sometimes you even find that things you used to fear you actually love.
People talk about improving themselves but then avoid things that are hard. Improving yourself is about identifying what you struggle with and then doing that thing over and over until you don't struggle with it anymore. If instead you try to avoid it then you will always struggle with it for the rest of your life.
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »
It seems like many people would rather you handled others (or them) with kid gloves instead of laying it on the line.Aaron_K123 wrote: »Never said or claimed it was the easier way. But since when was easiest the same as best?
Going into something thinking it will be easy helps set you up for disappointment and then failure.
Accepting that parts of this will be hard -and being reminded of it- helps to keep our goals realistic and attainable.
No one is ever going to develop willpower or self-control for you and in fact people will often sabotage your efforts, even if it is accidentally.
Taking the easy route is what got many people so far from their fitness goals in the first place.
Face it, own it and then beat it.
If you do the hard parts first then everything else will be easier, in comparison.
Exactly. Recognize what you struggle with and intentionally work on THAT. Don't hide from the difficult, seek it out and push against it. Be stronger.
I used to be incredibly shy. So do you know what I did about that? I listed out what situations made me uncomfortable and then intentionally did those things until they stopped making me uncomfortable. Speaking in public is scary? Volunteer to give speeches. Dancing in public is scary? Go to your local mall put on some headphones and practice your dance moves in the middle of the mall. Numb yourself to it and eventually you will wonder why it was ever such a problem for you. Sometimes you even find that things you used to fear you actually love.
People talk about improving themselves but then avoid things that are hard. Improving yourself is about identifying what you struggle with and then doing that thing over and over until you don't struggle with it anymore. If instead you try to avoid it then you will always struggle with it for the rest of your life.
I definitely relate and agree with this!0 -
I was in a course recently and talked about 3 zones: the comfort zone, the learning zone, and the danger zone. It suggested that the 'learning zone', as the name suggests, was where most development and learning occurred - a place beyond your safety net and the comfort of what you know, a place that pushed your boundaries into unknown and foreign territory, but one in which you still felt enough safety that you could experience and take in the situation. However, beyond that was the 'danger zone' - a place described as being so far outside of one's comfort zone, that a person would literally would shut down, impacting negatively on their ability to experience, take in, and learn from the situation.
I think these can be useful lenses for viewing situations. What can you do to push yourself into that learning zone, while respecting and acknowledging the things that might constitute the 'danger zone'? I think it's unreasonable to suggest that everybody is ready to jump straight into the danger zone, into situations that may completely overwhelm them. There's nothing wrong with baby steps, trial and error, and striving to push your edges in a way that facilitates (rather than hinders) your development and growth.
Note: These obviously change as a person, situation, etc. changes.5 -
danika2point0 wrote: »I was in a course recently and talked about 3 zones: the comfort zone, the learning zone, and the danger zone. It suggested that the 'learning zone', as the name suggests, was where most development and learning occurred - a place beyond your safety net and the comfort of what you know, a place that pushed your boundaries into unknown and foreign territory, but one in which you still felt enough safety that you could experience and take in the situation. However, beyond that was the 'danger zone' - a place described as being so far outside of one's comfort zone, that a person would literally would shut down, impacting negatively on their ability to experience, take in, and learn from the situation.
It's super trendy lately, but I keep reading about a similar concept -- lean into discomfort -- which really related to me, and it's definitely I find beneficial (although hard) too.2 -
danika2point0 wrote: »I was in a course recently and talked about 3 zones: the comfort zone, the learning zone, and the danger zone. It suggested that the 'learning zone', as the name suggests, was where most development and learning occurred - a place beyond your safety net and the comfort of what you know, a place that pushed your boundaries into unknown and foreign territory, but one in which you still felt enough safety that you could experience and take in the situation. However, beyond that was the 'danger zone' - a place described as being so far outside of one's comfort zone, that a person would literally would shut down, impacting negatively on their ability to experience, take in, and learn from the situation.
I think these can be useful lenses for viewing situations. What can you do to push yourself into that learning zone, while respecting and acknowledging the things that might constitute the 'danger zone'? I think it's unreasonable to suggest that everybody is ready to jump straight into the danger zone, into situations that may completely overwhelm them. There's nothing wrong with baby steps, trial and error, and striving to push your edges in a way that facilitates (rather than hinders) your development and growth.
Note: These obviously change as a person, situation, etc. changes.
I think I'd agree with that. Thing is though the more time you spend pushing yourself the futher away the "danger zone" becomes. If you are used to putting yourself into uncomfortable situations then it becomes harder and harder to push yourself so hard that you actually shut down. If you avoid anything difficult on a regular basis and then are confronted with difficulty you are much more likely to crumple.
Using this zone concepts language I guess I'd argue the more you put yourself into the learning zone the further and further you will get from the danger zone.
Thinking about it in terms of exercise someone who has never run tries to run then they are going to get incredibly sore even from a short run. Someone who runs all the time would have to do some pretty incredible run to actually get sore.
If you seek out discomfort then you get used to that and discomfort isn't going to tilt you. You want to be able to run without getting sore? Then go for runs as often as you can. You want to be able to be in a room with chocolate and not lose self-control and eat it all...then put yourself into rooms with chocolate as much as you can.
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@Aaron_K123 Totally. I think you have actually described it quite well, and is sort of what I meant by the added in 'note'. These zones are constantly changing as a person grows and develops. You will consistently need to push to continue to keep pushing towards the brink of your learning zone. It's not like the 'zones' are static or fixed by any means - A constantly evolving process that one can use to continuously push their edges. E.g. the bar for discomfort gets ever higher as you push and what was once in your 'learning zone' or even 'danger zone' can quickly become 'safety zone' material!0
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danika2point0 wrote: »@Aaron_K123 Totally. I think you have actually described it quite well, and is sort of what I meant by the added in 'note'. These zones are constantly changing as a person grows and develops. You will consistently need to push to continue to keep pushing towards the brink of your learning zone. It's not like the 'zones' are static or fixed by any means - A constantly evolving process that one can use to continuously push their edges. E.g. the bar for discomfort gets ever higher as you push and what was once in your 'learning zone' or even 'danger zone' can quickly become 'safety zone' material!
Agreed. In so many ways training your willpower or training your self-confidence is no different than training a muscle. It gets stronger from use and you are less likely to injure yourself if you take the time to build up some core strength.2
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