Mother Sacrificing Themselves for Family, Dads Say "Ok", I'm going to the Gym

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  • enterdanger
    enterdanger Posts: 2,447 Member
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    As a mom with toddlers, a full work schedule, and a baby coming in 53 days (not that I'm counting or anything) I can't imagine choosing to be married to and have kids with someone who couldn't be what I personally consider a "partner."

    Hubs and I aren't 50/50 on everything, but after 8 years of marriage and 2 living together before that we have worked out our "areas of expertise." Like on anything that deals with cooking, cleaning, and schedule management he defers to me. I'm better at that stuff. When it comes to large financial decision, I will always cede to his point of view, cause I'd just spend it. I make more than him, but he is a way better manager of our funds.

    50/50 works for some people. 80/20 works for others. No one can look into someone else's marriage and judge if it is good or bad. As long as the people in the marriage agree on their "roles" an uneven marriage can be just as satisfying as a 50/50.

    However, when someone complains they don't have the time to workout or that their spouse "won't let them" that is an excuse. Yes, it's hard to fit it in. But you CHOOSE to spend 40 minutes on yourself and you CHOOSE who you are going to marry (at least most of us probably do) and you CHOOSE to sleep or get up and go to the gym.
  • Nads36
    Nads36 Posts: 108 Member
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    Yes I come last in my household, husband works abroad and I run the house, am primary parent for the children as well as having a full time job...if the kids are ill guess who has to take the day off? Yep ME! But to be fair I love being the primary parent and love being there for them, just wish my husband did not work away so much so I can escape for a little bit of 'me time' in the evenings. We don't live near family for support - which doesn't help!
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
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    This does not apply to everyone. Hubby does equal work in the baby, the kids, and the household. When I need me time, I get it no questions asked.
  • singingflutelady
    singingflutelady Posts: 8,736 Member
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    The man hate is strong on here
  • FitInMyHead
    FitInMyHead Posts: 93 Member
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    enterdanger wrote: »
    As a mom with toddlers, a full work schedule, and a baby coming in 53 days (not that I'm counting or anything) I can't imagine choosing to be married to and have kids with someone who couldn't be what I personally consider a "partner."

    Hubs and I aren't 50/50 on everything, but after 8 years of marriage and 2 living together before that we have worked out our "areas of expertise." Like on anything that deals with cooking, cleaning, and schedule management he defers to me. I'm better at that stuff. When it comes to large financial decision, I will always cede to his point of view, cause I'd just spend it. I make more than him, but he is a way better manager of our funds.

    50/50 works for some people. 80/20 works for others. No one can look into someone else's marriage and judge if it is good or bad. As long as the people in the marriage agree on their "roles" an uneven marriage can be just as satisfying as a 50/50.

    However, when someone complains they don't have the time to workout or that their spouse "won't let them" that is an excuse. Yes, it's hard to fit it in. But you CHOOSE to spend 40 minutes on yourself and you CHOOSE who you are going to marry (at least most of us probably do) and you CHOOSE to sleep or get up and go to the gym.

    I have a wonderful husband, who is supportive of me - this post, right now, smacked me right in the face...I need to CHOOSE to spend that time on me. I don't do it because I feel a little guilty, but my husband tells me "hun, go take time for yourself". I have to learn that taking time for me is NOT selfish, but very important in a relationship. Thank you for that post, and for the reminder. I hope you know that you made a difference in someone's life today, Enterdanger
  • oocdc2
    oocdc2 Posts: 1,361 Member
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    MockGainz wrote: »
    My recent ex never watched our baby. I'd ask him to as if he were a babysitter and I'd still get excuses. He went to the gym almost everyday without asking and when he couldn't he would have the worst attitude. There I was, gaining weight and caring for 3 kids with no help or support from him. Resentment grew and well, he's an ex and now I have no money. I take care of those kids and spend 30 hours a week on job search. I don't know how people can workout from home.

    1. Damn, that sucks that you're ex-man was such a douche.
    2. I can see cardio being a challenge (can't just go for a run, machines cost $$), but have you ever looked into body weight exercises? You don't need equipment, and it can be done anywhere at anytime. I really like it better than weight lifting, and I fit it in when I can.
    3. I hope it gets better.
  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
    edited November 2016
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    I go to the gym

    My husband doesn't

    We chose to have a family

    We both give up things or do things we would prefer not to have for the sake of being a family

    I ate too much and moved too little so was overweight, he cycled to work and didn't so was never overweight ..neither of these is due to sacrifice, they are due to personal choices
  • oocdc2
    oocdc2 Posts: 1,361 Member
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    I have to go to the gym or run at 0400 to get it done. For me, it's not about coverage (I work two jobs; my husband is the primary caregiver), but about being at home as much as possible when my kids are awake. I also "grease the groove," which can be done almost anywhere.
  • vikinglander
    vikinglander Posts: 1,547 Member
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    To OP, and all others...I read the book "The Chalice And The Blade" by Riane Eisler, years ago, and it totally reshaped what I believe about my relationships with the women in my life. I highly recommend it if you are looking for true partnership...
  • tahxirez
    tahxirez Posts: 270 Member
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    This is one of those situations where men think "I can't read your mind" and a woman thinks "well isn't it obvious" I think this is where a lot of miscommunication comes in. My boyfriend gets seasonally laid off so he is home all day quite literally doing nothing. Meanwhile I work a 40+ hour a week job and a part time job as a waitress. When I come home I still do the vacuuming, cooking, dog walking etc. I don't like to ask people to do things. Either do them or don't I'm not going to hold your hand. Clearly this frustrates me to no end. There should be no asking in my opinion, it is not "my" responsibility you have taken over. You did not take out the garbage "for me", you took out the damn garbage... I have to check myself because I don't think he's doing these things maliciously, I think his brain is just wired to go this is all fine (his brain really likes piles of dog hair it seems.) Or he's being passive aggressive...I'm too busy to address that :)
  • singingflutelady
    singingflutelady Posts: 8,736 Member
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    I just think it's funny how at my gym the majority of fitness classes are mostly young mothers. I guess there must be some nice men out there ;)
  • deluxmary2000
    deluxmary2000 Posts: 981 Member
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    If I were a man, I would be disgusted by the generalizations in this thread. I'm disgusted FOR men.

    My husband and I both work. We worked out a schedule where I go to the gym in the morning (he gets kids to school) and he workouts at night (I get kids from school). But the key is that we worked this out by sitting down and talking about it. You know... like equals. Crazy.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    mysteps2beauty wrote: »
    As I lurk through the threads...the most common excuse for women who are not living the life they want...life is happening, dealing with family issues and work issues....Not the same for guys. I've dealt with the same...reason I used for my family comes first.

    Why do we women do this? I have some ideas, but would like to hear from our crew.

    Now that I'm 50+, working at a well paying job, and dear kid at college, working and excelling...I have less to worry about, and doing things for myself. If women keep putting themselves last, they may well die early....This saddens me...Why don't we ask and expext the men in our lives to partner in our efforts to raise a family?

    My husband and I made choices together for our family. We split our responsibilities in the way that makes sense to us. Sometimes things don't look fair to others and sometimes women don't speak up.
    I was once reamed by a man because my dh was working 2 jobs while I was a SAHP. He painted me as lazy and greedy based on his baggage. The full story that that guy didn't have is dh wanted to go on a 4 day trip with his friends. To afford the trip that solely benefitted him he took on a part time weekend job. On the other side you might see that he got a fun trip and I didn't. Was I selfish or was he? Or did we work out something between us? Should people keep their baggage out of other people's relationships and be less judgey?
    I'm a person who speaks up for what I want in my relationship. I know women who don't say what they want. They do put themselves last and feel unhappy. It isn't that their husband or kids would be opposed to them doing something for themselves. They just never say I'm going to do xyz so you need to be here. They never say you want to go to the gym but so do I how can we resolve this. I do think they can work on that communication and it is important.
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,472 Member
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    in for popcorn.... and whiskey... or wine. or both.
  • Running_and_Coffee
    Running_and_Coffee Posts: 811 Member
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    I run before dawn or take 5 am classes so I can get home, give everyone breakfast and get my 3 kids out the door, then go to work. My husband works out after work, gets home, then after everyone's eaten dinner and the dishes are done and lunches are packed, I climb into my comfy PJs and go to sleep early and he puts them to bed. Teamwork!! I decided a long time ago that I am not going to miss a workout unless I'm violently ill, and I make it as much a priority as I do feeding my family.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
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    deluxmary2000 wrote: »
    If I were a man, I would be disgusted by the generalizations in this thread. I'm disgusted FOR men.

    ALL of this!
  • cosmonew
    cosmonew Posts: 514 Member
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    You answered your own comment when you used the word EXCUSE!!!! I do what I really want when I want to do it 95% of the time, right now that includes taking care of my health through diet and exercise.
  • tahxirez
    tahxirez Posts: 270 Member
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    jemhh wrote: »
    tahxirez wrote: »

    This is one of those situations where men think "I can't read your mind" and a woman thinks "well isn't it obvious" I think this is where a lot of miscommunication comes in. My boyfriend gets seasonally laid off so he is home all day quite literally doing nothing. Meanwhile I work a 40+ hour a week job and a part time job as a waitress. When I come home I still do the vacuuming, cooking, dog walking etc. I don't like to ask people to do things. Either do them or don't I'm not going to hold your hand. Clearly this frustrates me to no end. There should be no asking in my opinion, it is not "my" responsibility you have taken over. You did not take out the garbage "for me", you took out the damn garbage... I have to check myself because I don't think he's doing these things maliciously, I think his brain is just wired to go this is all fine (his brain really likes piles of dog hair it seems.) Or he's being passive aggressive...I'm too busy to address that :)

    Oh geez, just talk to him about this stuff! You're 29 years old. It doesn't make sense to spend the next 60 years of your life frustrated. Chances are he doesn't see this stuff or think about it. I never think about stuff like edging the sidewalk or washing the car (unless it is seriously filthy) or vacuuming or a myriad of other things because he always does them. Similarly, he doesn't think about making a grocery list or clipping dog toenails or cutting down the garden at the end of the summer because I always do that stuff. That's not being passive aggressive. That's just us being used to each of us doing certain things and continuing to do them. If we one of us needs help with these things, though, we absolutely ask the other person for help. Stewing about your boyfriend not thinking to do XYZ but refusing to communicate about it because you're too busy or don't like to ask people to do things makes no sense and is a horrible way to manage a partnership.

    It was meant as more of a self deprecating aside rather than a cry for help. Apologies if that is the message you read. My real message was that first sentence which you reiterated in your reply. Basically that there are certain tasks that I may see as obvious that he doesn't think about at all. I am in no means "Stewing." Rather just voicing an experience.

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