I have a broken heart...

whierd

whierd

What age would you guys say you can start to trust men a little more? I feel like it's impossible right now.

You can't.

:huh:

k8eekins

I wish it was a fly by night.... it was a 10 month intimate relationship he had (mixed with other fly by nights)... there is literally NOTHING he hasn't already done
I waited patiently, excited to do something new, untarnished, in the confines of marriage, the way God intended it.. I waited, and for what???? He's done EVERYTHING...

As a pure virgin, as difficult as this maybe to you, you can not as a woman place your purity up on the altar ~ for with men in general, quality is not determined by never-used vs gently used vs aggressively used with mileage; All are still on equal measures with no guarantees (+/- depending); It's about pleasure, which is difficult for me to help you understand, for you have not ever, which is a good thing, only that to have you understand, his dalliances aren't about you (as the other posters have said), it's about his sex. in a nutshell the Church promotes purity solely focused on procreation (ie procreative sex) where your patience is now shattered with humiliation because he was out seeking other women for his pursuits vs life the teacher, which progressively exposes people to recreational plays with intimacy, hence your complaint, that he has done absolutely everything with them.

He has done everything ~ i know what you're saying. I was there (my former betrothed had a family and would see them every weekend or would sneak them over to his house ~ discreetly, for it would've been inappropraite to display them). I feel your pain I do, but it's just one of those things, where you'll need to establish whether you can or can not, depending on whether your virginity is about you gifting it to the man of your heart or whether your virginity is your idol.

swagoner94

I wish it was a fly by night.... it was a 10 month intimate relationship he had (mixed with other fly by nights)... there is literally NOTHING he hasn't already done
I waited patiently, excited to do something new, untarnished, in the confines of marriage, the way God intended it.. I waited, and for what???? He's done EVERYTHING...

As a pure virgin, as difficult as this maybe to you, you can not as woman place your purity up on the altar ~ for with men in general, quality is not determined by never-used vs gently used vs aggressively used with mileage; All are still on equal measures with no guarantees (+/- depending); It's about pleasure, which is difficult for me to help you understand, for you've never have, which is a good thing, only that to have you understand, his dalliances aren't about you (as the other posters have said), it's about his sex. in a nutshell the Church promotes purity solely focused on procreation (ie procreative sex) where your patience is now shattered with humiliation because he was out seeking other women for his pursuits vs life the teacher, which progressively exposes people to recreational plays with intimacy, hence your complaint, that he has done absolutely everything with them.

He has done everything ~ i know what you're saying. I was there (headspace about my former betrothed, who'd had a family and would see them every weekend or would sneak them over to his house ~ discreetly, for it would've been inappropraite to display them). I feel your pain I do, but it's just one of those things, where you'll need to establish whether you can or can not, depending on whether your virginity is about you gifting it to the man of your heart or whether your virginity is your idol.

Something a lady from church told me - not that my virginity is an idol, but that his purity is. That i'm so focused on his purity that I won't be content unless I have it......
which is obviously impossible...
hence my constant heartache

kaned_ferret

What age would you guys say you can start to trust men a little more? I feel like it's impossible right now.

You can't.

:huh:

Yes ok granted it wasn't a very productive input to the conversation, but in all seriousness it's my standpoint. I'm not religious, I HAVE been through several relationships, and I'm old enough and ugly enough to paint the picture. Fact is, the mythical romantic happy endings you see in films are just that.

shutupandlift13

ETA: The ex was axed. Don't waste your time over her and his fly-by-nights. Focus on the 2 of you!

I wish it was a fly by night.... it was a 10 month intimate relationship he had (mixed with other fly by nights)... there is literally NOTHING he hasn't already done
I waited patiently, excited to do something new, untarnished, in the confines of marriage, the way God intended it.. I waited, and for what???? He's done EVERYTHING...

[/quote]

Okay, I was raised fairly conservative in a Lutheran household so I know how this situation goes... but pre-marital sex is a "sin" just like any other "sin" so unless you can say you're sinless, you really have to let this go. Him being forgiven for it is NOT between you and him, that's between him and God.

It was your personal choice to wait until marriage, he made other choices. Be they right, wrong or indifferent, it isn't your position to 'forgive' him or force him to repent. His devotion and honesty now with you should matter more than decisions he made while he was committed to another person.

Have you considered seeing a pastor or Christian youth/young adult counselor to work through your issues? Either separately or even as a couple? If you truly think he's worth it and the ONE and he feels the same way, its something worth looking into. Seems premature to me due to your age and the fact that you're not engaged or anything but to each their own.

k8eekins

I wish it was a fly by night.... it was a 10 month intimate relationship he had (mixed with other fly by nights)... there is literally NOTHING he hasn't already done
I waited patiently, excited to do something new, untarnished, in the confines of marriage, the way God intended it.. I waited, and for what???? He's done EVERYTHING...

As a pure virgin, as difficult as this maybe to you, you can not as woman place your purity up on the altar ~ for with men in general, quality is not determined by never-used vs gently used vs aggressively used with mileage; All are still on equal measures with no guarantees (+/- depending); It's about pleasure, which is difficult for me to help you understand, for you've never have, which is a good thing, only that to have you understand, his dalliances aren't about you (as the other posters have said), it's about his sex. in a nutshell the Church promotes purity solely focused on procreation (ie procreative sex) where your patience is now shattered with humiliation because he was out seeking other women for his pursuits vs life the teacher, which progressively exposes people to recreational plays with intimacy, hence your complaint, that he has done absolutely everything with them.

He has done everything ~ i know what you're saying. I was there (headspace about my former betrothed, who'd had a family and would see them every weekend or would sneak them over to his house ~ discreetly, for it would've been inappropraite to display them). I feel your pain I do, but it's just one of those things, where you'll need to establish whether you can or can not, depending on whether your virginity is about you gifting it to the man of your heart or whether your virginity is your idol.

Something a lady from church told me - not that my virginity is an idol, but that his purity is. That i'm so focused on his purity that I won't be content unless I have it......
which is obviously impossible...
hence my constant heartache

<Hugs> A learning curve for you.

whierd

What age would you guys say you can start to trust men a little more? I feel like it's impossible right now.

You can't.

:huh:

Yes ok granted it wasn't a very productive input to the conversation, but in all seriousness it's my standpoint. I'm not religious, I HAVE been through several relationships, and I'm old enough and ugly enough to paint the picture. Fact is, the mythical romantic happy endings you see in films are just that.

Oh I will absolutely agree with that. Movies like to portray that love can overcome all, when in reality it cannot. People are complicated and perceive things different ways. My issue really is with the idea that men cannot be trusted, which I take as a bit of a slight. Perhaps you have had some unfortunate experiences with the men in your life, but I assure you that not all men are untrustworthy by nature.

Addis_Daddy12

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Addis_Daddy12

stupid GIFs

whierd

.

Maybe third time is the charm? Good luck!

emlott88

It sounds like this is a major deal breaker for you. I know that right now, you see it as not wanting to waste time, that you want to find your one true love.

Honestly, I understand. I think most women understand. At 18 I really thought the boy I met was 'the one'. Well since that 'one', I dated many, many other men. And now, at 25, I truly am married to 'the one', who I adore with all of my heart and soul.

We are not religious, I did not wait for my husband. He did not wait for me. That doesn't mean that this doesn't come up sometimes (and actually, I'm not religious but sometimes my husband's past DOES hurt and DOES make me insecure, or angry!) but I'm not going to have us punish each other for experiencing life and having fun while we were young.

Do you love your boyfriend? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Can you truly forgive him? Now, is the true problem that you are struggling with sexuality? (No, this is NOT weird). There is a big difference between having sex, and making love. Are you worried that he was 'making love' rather than having sex? Are you more jealous of the intimacy that he has shared with someone else, rather than the actual act? Sometimes that's what I get more upset about, so I understand.

Anyway, have a think about what is important to you. As you get older, it will become more and more difficult to find someone 'pure' - but in the same instance, it will also become more difficult for men to find someone pure to. Your one is out there. If you can't handle this, then you need to get back out there and searching for your one.

kaned_ferret

Oh I will absolutely agree with that. Movies like to portray that love can overcome all, when in reality it cannot. People are complicated and perceive things different ways. My issue really is with the idea that men cannot be trusted, which I take as a bit of a slight. Perhaps you have had some unfortunate experiences with the men in your life, but I assure you that not all men are untrustworthy by nature.

You're right. People are untrustworthy by nature (not just men), though I'm always optimistic to be proven wrong (and cynical enough to not be surprised when I'm not ). As a species we are simply too self-involved.

whierd

Oh I will absolutely agree with that. Movies like to portray that love can overcome all, when in reality it cannot. People are complicated and perceive things different ways. My issue really is with the idea that men cannot be trusted, which I take as a bit of a slight. Perhaps you have had some unfortunate experiences with the men in your life, but I assure you that not all men are untrustworthy by nature.

You're right. People are untrustworthy by nature (not just men), though I'm always optimistic to be proven wrong (and cynical enough to not be surprised when I'm not ). As a species we are simply too self-involved.

Don't you find that the cynicism makes you withhold a good part of your trust for another person because of the fear of being disappointed? I generally don't trust many people, but the people who do have it have it completely.

swagoner94

It sounds like this is a major deal breaker for you. I know that right now, you see it as not wanting to waste time, that you want to find your one true love.

Honestly, I understand. I think most women understand. At 18 I really thought the boy I met was 'the one'. Well since that 'one', I dated many, many other men. And now, at 25, I truly am married to 'the one', who I adore with all of my heart and soul.

We are not religious, I did not wait for my husband. He did not wait for me. That doesn't mean that this doesn't come up sometimes (and actually, I'm not religious but sometimes my husband's past DOES hurt and DOES make me insecure, or angry!) but I'm not going to have us punish each other for experiencing life and having fun while we were young.

Do you love your boyfriend? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Can you truly forgive him? Now, is the true problem that you are struggling with sexuality? (No, this is NOT weird). There is a big difference between having sex, and making love. Are you worried that he was 'making love' rather than having sex? Are you more jealous of the intimacy that he has shared with someone else, rather than the actual act? Sometimes that's what I get more upset about, so I understand.

Anyway, have a think about what is important to you. As you get older, it will become more and more difficult to find someone 'pure' - but in the same instance, it will also become more difficult for men to find someone pure to. Your one is out there. If you can't handle this, then you need to get back out there and searching for your one.

uhhhh the "making love" vs, "having sex" comment... NAILED IT. yes. that's a huge part of what hurts me. and I know that I'm young, but I believe he is my "one"... and I'm so upset that I'm potentially ruining it, because i can't let this go! this has been going on for MONTHS. it haunts me every day. I so bad want to let it go completely. I do love him. I do want to spend forever with him. but as for the forgiveness part... i feel like that's something i don't do one time and it covers forever... it is something i have to constantly be doing. constantly forgiving him for it. sometimes i do... sometimes i don't....

lilylana

What age would you guys say you can start to trust men a little more? I feel like it's impossible right now.

You can't.

:huh:

Yes ok granted it wasn't a very productive input to the conversation, but in all seriousness it's my standpoint. I'm not religious, I HAVE been through several relationships, and I'm old enough and ugly enough to paint the picture. Fact is, the mythical romantic happy endings you see in films are just that.

Oh I will absolutely agree with that. Movies like to portray that love can overcome all, when in reality it cannot. People are complicated and perceive things different ways. My issue really is with the idea that men cannot be trusted, which I take as a bit of a slight. Perhaps you have had some unfortunate experiences with the men in your life, but I assure you that not all men are untrustworthy by nature.

I'll rephrase. What age would you say the number of more trustworthy guys starts to increase a little? Right now there's only one or two guys in my life I'm anywhere near trusting (and we've been friends for years). Other than that, I'm pretty suspicious. Obviously, the younger = the more immature and selfish people will typically tend to be.

whierd

What age would you guys say you can start to trust men a little more? I feel like it's impossible right now.

You can't.

:huh:

Yes ok granted it wasn't a very productive input to the conversation, but in all seriousness it's my standpoint. I'm not religious, I HAVE been through several relationships, and I'm old enough and ugly enough to paint the picture. Fact is, the mythical romantic happy endings you see in films are just that.

Oh I will absolutely agree with that. Movies like to portray that love can overcome all, when in reality it cannot. People are complicated and perceive things different ways. My issue really is with the idea that men cannot be trusted, which I take as a bit of a slight. Perhaps you have had some unfortunate experiences with the men in your life, but I assure you that not all men are untrustworthy by nature.

I'll rephrase. What age would you say the number of more trustworthy guys starts to increase a little? Right now there's only one or two guys in my life I'm anywhere near trusting (and we've been friends for years). Other than that, I'm pretty suspicious. Obviously, the younger = the more immature and selfish people will typically tend to be.

Guys start maturing around 25 or so.

Addis_Daddy12

swagoner94

...on a lighter note...

i sing! ..shyly and unconfidently like everything else in my life but still. why not!

http://www.youtube.com/user/alicia9loves4vampire

Addis_Daddy12

you should probably get you a condenser mic with a pop guard to bring your voice out a little more