How Do You Deal With the Toxic/Negative People in Your Live?

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  • Theo166
    Theo166 Posts: 2,564 Member
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    Having to deal with blood relatives isn't saying you have to 'put up with them' and their *kitten*. It doesn't mean you must be their door mat.

    I'm saying don't be so quick to cut ties and walk away, like we often do with ex friends and romantic interests. Learn to provide appropriate support and set boundaries, give them a chance to grow. Growth doesn't happen when you just cut things off.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
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    Theo166 wrote: »
    Having to deal with blood relatives isn't saying you have to 'put up with them' and their *kitten*. It doesn't mean you must be their door mat.

    I'm saying don't be so quick to cut ties and walk away, like we often do with ex friends and romantic interests. Learn to provide appropriate support and set boundaries, give them a chance to grow. Growth doesn't happen when you just cut things off.

    Yup and when that doesn't work?
  • Leverfam
    Leverfam Posts: 16 Member
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    I can understand that you love your father and that you feel a responsibility to care for him but you must protect yourself and what your needs/wants are too!

    If I were in your situation, I would write him a very long letter (yes, letter - because you can say what you need to and won't cry or get upset). I would explain in the letter, as non-confrontational as possible, that you are no longer willing to subject yourself to his negative comments, criticism or reprimands and lay down the rules going forward because your health is at risk. That his behavior makes you dread spending time with him and that you cringe when the phone rings and it's him. That you love him and want to spend time with him but you deserve respect, too! And tell him in the letter that if you are together and he starts up that you will leave the situation. And if he misses and appointment or has to call a taxi ... oh well - it was his choice. (Please remember ... he chooses to treat you like this)

    He will test you on this ... so when he starts up ... simply say something like .. "I love you Dad, but I need to go - see you next week" AND DO IT. You may only have to do it once or twice. A bully will only be a bully as long as they can get away with it.

    Lastly, if you have the means and ability to seek counseling for yourself try it! A good therapist can help you make sense of the situation and help you with coping skills and reinforcement.

    You are a beautiful person and deserve a happy life!
  • amyinthetardis1231
    amyinthetardis1231 Posts: 571 Member
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    Whether or not your dad truly fits the clinical diagnostic criteria for NPD, his behavior as you have described it is manipulative and sadistic. He is highly unlikely to change--why would he, when he can get you to jump at a snap of the fingers? Setting boundaries is extremely difficult when you've been conditioned to be compliant all your life, but it is absolutely necessary to having healthy relationships. When the pain of doing the same things outweighs the pain of making changes, you'll set some boundaries in your life. Some helpful resources when you're ready are the books Boundaries (Townsend) and Will I Ever Be Good Enough (McBride) or Trapped in the Mirror (Golomb). You can also find a listing for therapists who specialize in working with children of narcissists at Karyl McBride's website, willieverbegoodenough dot com. I wish you the best, this is really hard stuff and it's a process.
  • Theo166
    Theo166 Posts: 2,564 Member
    edited March 2017
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    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    Theo166 wrote: »
    Having to deal with blood relatives isn't saying you have to 'put up with them' and their *kitten*. It doesn't mean you must be their door mat.

    I'm saying don't be so quick to cut ties and walk away, like we often do with ex friends and romantic interests. Learn to provide appropriate support and set boundaries, give them a chance to grow. Growth doesn't happen when you just cut things off.

    Yup and when that doesn't work?

    Study up on setting boundaries, and consequences. Some things we just shouldn't run away from just because we don't like how someone acts. It's very easy to read articles and diagnose some with a personality disorder, then use it as an excuse for ending the relationship.

    Dealing with our families gives us great personal growth challenges :wink:
  • Theo166
    Theo166 Posts: 2,564 Member
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    kshama2001 wrote: »
    Theo166 wrote: »
    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    Theo166 wrote: »
    Having to deal with blood relatives isn't saying you have to 'put up with them' and their *kitten*. It doesn't mean you must be their door mat.

    I'm saying don't be so quick to cut ties and walk away, like we often do with ex friends and romantic interests. Learn to provide appropriate support and set boundaries, give them a chance to grow. Growth doesn't happen when you just cut things off.

    Yup and when that doesn't work?

    Study up on setting boundaries, and consequences. Some things we just shouldn't run away from just because we don't like how someone acts. It's very easy to read articles and diagnose some with a personality disorder, then use it as an excuse for ending the relationship.

    Dealing with our families gives us great personal growth challenges :wink:

    The OP said her father was "diagnosed narcissist" - to me "professionally diagnosed" was implicit. While I agree that setting boundaries is a very useful skill, it's not likely to work with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

    Her father has been emotionally abusive all her life and it is now getting worse as he becomes less able to care for himself and wants more help from her.

    Setting boundaries works fine for someone with a disorder, the outcome just may not be warm and fuzzy.

    From what I read, the OP had not taken this route with her father and I suggested it as the preferred next steps/approach. Starting to develop this skill is also very helpful to someone who has had manipulative people in their life. It's a useful skill they did not learn while growing up.
  • Gamliela
    Gamliela Posts: 2,468 Member
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    Lucy, I'm sorry you have to go through this, I know its not easy. All normal kids love their parents. For me it was about finding a way to keep being able to do that. I think your situation is going to take time and experimenting with ways of coping. He sounds like a crazy, but loveable old coot.
    You've gotten a lot of advice here.
    I've learned a lot reading your topic. Thank you for posting the question and I hope its helped you clarify things.
  • ma5y
    ma5y Posts: 47 Member
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    I understand your dilemma because I have had similar situations in my family. In my case, it was with both my Sister and my Father. I cannot advise you but I understand not being able to walk away. Few people that have not lived through the exact same thing can understand why a person can't seem to walk away. I do. The guilt is overwhelming. If you are like me, you were trained from birth to act/behave a certain way. That way is always in the interest of the other person and sadly at your expense. It is hard to throw off that degree of training/manipulation. Again, people that have not experienced it cannot really understand the situation.

    If I were to give you advice, I would tell you what worked for me. I began to limit my exposure to them. I thought Caroldavidson's advice was every good. Perhaps limit your time with your Father to one day a week or a few hours per week (if possible). It will be hard in the beginning because you are changing the rules. There will be substantial pushback and that pushback can result in greater abuse. If you are mentally prepared for it beforehand, it helps. I prepared by going to counseling. This can be expensive and is not an option for everyone. If counseling is not an option, I suggest two things: finding one or two really good friends that understand and can support you; and (2) cardio exercise. I find the exercising actually relaxes my brain and allows me to find some peace.

    I wish you the best.

  • Theo166
    Theo166 Posts: 2,564 Member
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    A lot of people here are coming at this thread projecting their own family situations.

    To the OP, was your father clinically diagnosed with NPD?

    Have you tried learning how to properly set and enforce boundaries with your dad? If if it's likely to fail, it's still a personal skill worth developing.
  • Sara1791
    Sara1791 Posts: 760 Member
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    lucypstacy wrote: »
    Dad is abusive. I recognize that much, and he has been my entire life. He's a diagnosed narcissist, so part of his personality is to put people down. I sort of accept that, and try not to to let it get to me. There are times that's not as easy though.

    I think it stems from his own weight. He's around 330lbs, but insists he's losing so much weight that doctors are worried. I do have issues, and I'm working slowly but surely to get my weight under control. He just makes it difficult.

    And the end of the phone conversation is that he wants me to take him to a steak house tomorrow. The pattern continues.

    Because of this, you can't take anything he says seriously.

    I'd have been out of that situation as soon as I was able to leave home. No one gets to mess with my mental health like that.

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