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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »Johns_Dope_AF wrote: »YES! One thing I have learned during my dieting phase is that I cant truly see what I need as much as an outsider can. I can be 6 foot 150 and I might think I have weight to lose still. Sometimes a trusted outsiders perspective can really help.
This is great way to look at it. And I'm just playing devil's advocate, do you think you would be so welcoming if you were obese, and someone wanted to talk to you because you have picked up weight?
Probably out of embarrassment, I definitely see what you're saying here. It would not have been nearly as effective as it is since I started my journey on my own.1 -
If your weight or health is having a negative impact on your relationship because of your spouses feelings towards it then absolutely they should let you know. Yeah it will be uncomfortable but the only alternative is for them to just bottle it up inside which is not going to go well long term.4
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It hurt so bad when my partner told me to lose weight but I had to. I was clinically obese (215 lbs) at 5”3 binge eating and drinking alcohol not a healthy lifestyle. He should have approached it better though. It’s all about how you talk about it with your partner. I’m now 152-153 and aiming for 120 lbs5
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How should one approach this? Regardless of intent and well wishing the tendency on this thread seems to be to shoot the messenger.3
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
My hubby and I both look out for eachother. I convinced him to give up smoking and he even said it a few days ago how he's glad he doesn't smoke anymore because he was on his way to heart attack city. Same goes for weight, he let me know when I was 250 lbs that I wasn't myself- always tired, unable to breathe. Around that time my mom almost died from complications due to her diabetes, and his mom was diagnosed with it. Hubby got nervous and saw me going down that same path and let me know.1 -
How should one approach this? Regardless of intent and well wishing the tendency on this thread seems to be to shoot the messenger.
I agree - I believe this is a tough spot for the messenger. I'm sure they walk on egg shells. I think if you come from a place of love you will be winning. I was reading a thread on here the other day that mention kid obesity. The tone in that thread was to be sensitive, don't say this or say that because this kid will feel singled out, or their feelings will be hurt and they could have self esteem issues, or some even suggested sports, etc. etc. etc. as a sneaky way (for lack of a better word) to get the kid involved without them necessarily knowing its because they need help in losing weight. So that leads me to believe that we know this is a sensitive area or discussion that needs to be had - even with adults. But my point is, if we treat our S.O. or spouse with the same unconditional love, patience, and concern as we do our kids, then it will create a safe place for the convo. and action to take place.
But I think the tone earlier in this thread was because you had people that would divorce or break up with their loved ones if they couldn't lose weight fast enough for them.3 -
Be thoughtful, careful and loving - but do tell them. Perhaps it helps to 'lead by example' by introducing a healthier approach to eating and exercise to your partner, so that you can both participate in it together.0
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Struggling a bit with this right now. My wife and I got out of shape together. Kids, middle age, etc. Too many bags of potato chips, too much fast food, etc. In March I snapped, changed my entire outlook and since then dropped 50 lbs. Mostly by quitting chips, alcohol, and junk food but continuing existing workout regime which is really just karate/mma training 3x a week. Wife signed up for yoga and went twice before quitting. She still eats chips and junk food and drinks too much soda. Two months ago she bought a YMCA membership for the family, said she was going to do aqua fit. I now hit the gym and swim there on the regular and she has yet to go once. When I suggested she needs to do something a bit more intense the aqua fit she didn’t take it well. Now she tells me that I don’t look healthy and she doesn’t want me losing more weight. I look in the mirror and look good. Look like I’m in my 20’s again and another few months I will have a 6-pack. Bringing up the subject never ends well so I just gave up trying and work out for me. Worry about her long term health. I’m 6’3 and think at 190lbs I am probably less than 10 lbs heavier then her and she is 5’3.3
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Just a quick aside from the topic.
@ca1v1n, your fitness level may be beyond aqua fit, but it may be just the right level of exercise for your wife.
I had never liked exercise, so avoided it like the plague. I saw an aqua fit class in progress and thought, I can do that. There wasn't the puffing panting and nasty sweating of land based classes.
Being in the water means you can set your own exertion level (and you can get quite an intense workout) and no one can see when you go wrong, you can start slow and build.
It is also usually a very friendly and supportive class.
I did it 3 times a week for a year, adding other things in once I was use to exercising.
It helped me develop my cardio vascular and retain muscle while losing.
I know you are frustrated, but try to encourage her to go.
You may even want to offer to go with her.
Cheers, h.
Normal service may now resume.9 -
middlehaitch wrote: »Just a quick aside from the topic.
@ca1v1n, your fitness level may be beyond aqua fit, but it may be just the right level of exercise for your wife.
I had never liked exercise, so avoided it like the plague. I saw an aqua fit class in progress and thought, I can do that. There wasn't the puffing panting and nasty sweating of land based classes.
Being in the water means you can set your own exertion level (and you can get quite an intense workout) and no one can see when you go wrong, you can start slow and build.
It is also usually a very friendly and supportive class.
I did it 3 times a week for a year, adding other things in once I was use to exercising.
It helped me develop my cardio vascular and retain muscle while losing.
I know you are frustrated, but try to encourage her to go.
You may even want to offer to go with her.
Cheers, h.
Normal service may now resume.
I agree...but I think he stated that her reason for joining the Y was for the Aqua Fit....and she still never went....and she is telling him that he is not looking healthy - because he is doing more healthy stuff!
But I agree. Aqua Fit is better than doing nothing. But "some" people want to do the least amount of activity there is and expect major changes.1 -
Struggling a bit with this right now. My wife and I got out of shape together. Kids, middle age, etc. Too many bags of potato chips, too much fast food, etc. In March I snapped, changed my entire outlook and since then dropped 50 lbs. Mostly by quitting chips, alcohol, and junk food but continuing existing workout regime which is really just karate/mma training 3x a week. Wife signed up for yoga and went twice before quitting. She still eats chips and junk food and drinks too much soda. Two months ago she bought a YMCA membership for the family, said she was going to do aqua fit. I now hit the gym and swim there on the regular and she has yet to go once. When I suggested she needs to do something a bit more intense the aqua fit she didn’t take it well. Now she tells me that I don’t look healthy and she doesn’t want me losing more weight. I look in the mirror and look good. Look like I’m in my 20’s again and another few months I will have a 6-pack. Bringing up the subject never ends well so I just gave up trying and work out for me. Worry about her long term health. I’m 6’3 and think at 190lbs I am probably less than 10 lbs heavier then her and she is 5’3.
Kudos for taking stock in your life and making big changes. I think you should continue to encourage your wife. Like another poster said, try going to a class with her or try other physical fun activities...1 -
Well of course your SO should be entitled to an opinion. Whether you value it or not is another question entirely. Personally I value my SO's feelings and opinions and believe a healthy relationship is built on open channels of communication.3
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I found out today that my former boss died from a massive heart attack. He had been massively overweight until getting gastric bypass about 2 or 3 years ago. He was 57, left behind a wife and kids. I bet she wishes she’d been harder on him about his weight much earlier.
There’s a reason they call it MORBIDLY obese6 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »middlehaitch wrote: »Just a quick aside from the topic.
@ca1v1n, your fitness level may be beyond aqua fit, but it may be just the right level of exercise for your wife.
I had never liked exercise, so avoided it like the plague. I saw an aqua fit class in progress and thought, I can do that. There wasn't the puffing panting and nasty sweating of land based classes.
Being in the water means you can set your own exertion level (and you can get quite an intense workout) and no one can see when you go wrong, you can start slow and build.
It is also usually a very friendly and supportive class.
I did it 3 times a week for a year, adding other things in once I was use to exercising.
It helped me develop my cardio vascular and retain muscle while losing.
I know you are frustrated, but try to encourage her to go.
You may even want to offer to go with her.
Cheers, h.
Normal service may now resume.
I agree...but I think he stated that her reason for joining the Y was for the Aqua Fit....and she still never went....and she is telling him that he is not looking healthy - because he is doing more healthy stuff!
But I agree. Aqua Fit is better than doing nothing. But "some" people want to do the least amount of activity there is and expect major changes.
Yes, she joined 2 month ago and hasn't gone yet. However, @ca1v1n told her he thought she needed something more intense. That is where I was coming from, him realising the difference in fitness levels, and aqua fit could well be intense enough for now.
My SO who is a swimmer and runner finds aquafit challenging, and yoga even more so. His fitness level is good, but his flexibility, and balance are lousy- he always gets DOMS after both classes.
Me, I don't run, but do a lot of things that have mobility, flexibility, balance and strength involved, I don't get DOMS from aqua fit and yoga.
Mrs ca1v1n has tried yoga and abandoned it. She may find aquafit easier as the water supports her.
Even doing aqua fit x 3 and eating at maintenance (not including exercise calories) will give her a deficit enough to see results.
As to the not looking healthy, it often takes a while for anyone to adjust to visual changes Mrs Ca1v1n may not have got there yet.
Glad we agree.
Cheers, h.0 -
I’m totally going to offer to attend aqua fit with her. Thanks for the advice!!!13
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No. I will say that when my doctor told me to lose 35 pounds my fiance was not happy about it, but he still supports me. He has a preference of "big" girls, but its not something he demands. Tho I will still be overweight once I reach my goal so..I'm sure that keeps him happy.1
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KiskaVedma wrote: »No. I will say that when my doctor told me to lose 35 pounds my fiance was not happy about it, but he still supports me. He has a preference of "big" girls, but its not something he demands. Tho I will still be overweight once I reach my goal so..I'm sure that keeps him happy.
@KiskaVedma - I honestly wonder how much of the "preference" comes into play as the motive to promote weight loss/gain vs. truly wanting a partner at a healthy weight for health reasons and because you LOVE them.
I know of a guy right now, who prefers thin women. The girl that he really likes (personality wise) weighs 155 lbs...and he can't get over this. He said he got mad when he was talking to her on the phone and she casually mentioned that she was drinking a chocolate shake. He wants her on a diet "right now"!!! He has stated over and over again that she is perfect for him, other than her weight. And he is going to sabotage this relationship being angry because she is not his ideal size - "right now". And the killer thing is - he is out of shape himself and could stand to lose a good 50lbs. What a hypocrite.6 -
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I found out today that my former boss died from a massive heart attack. He had been massively overweight until getting gastric bypass about 2 or 3 years ago. He was 57, left behind a wife and kids. I bet she wishes she’d been harder on him about his weight much earlier.
There’s a reason they call it MORBIDLY obese
Good point @jdlobb0 -
I’m totally going to offer to attend aqua fit with her. Thanks for the advice!!!
@ca1v1n - Support is so important on this journey, especially from your loved one! Warning, Don't expect immediate gratitude from her. She needs your continued support...and that's when the gratitude will come...and then hopefully she will trade her tv time for fitness time with you and this will be your new "thing" to do together.
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »KiskaVedma wrote: »No. I will say that when my doctor told me to lose 35 pounds my fiance was not happy about it, but he still supports me. He has a preference of "big" girls, but its not something he demands. Tho I will still be overweight once I reach my goal so..I'm sure that keeps him happy.
@KiskaVedma - I honestly wonder how much of the "preference" comes into play as the motive to promote weight loss/gain vs. truly wanting a partner at a healthy weight for health reasons and because you LOVE them.
I know of a guy right now, who prefers thin women. The girl that he really likes (personality wise) weighs 155 lbs...and he can't get over this. He said he got mad when he was talking to her on the phone and she casually mentioned that she was drinking a chocolate shake. He wants her on a diet "right now"!!! He has stated over and over again that she is perfect for him, other than her weight. And he is going to sabotage this relationship being angry because she is not his ideal size - "right now". And the killer thing is - he is out of shape himself and could stand to lose a good 50lbs. What a hypocrite.
Wooooow. I had an ex like that. Almost to the T. He didn't have as much to lose himself, but was constantly on my about my weight and that he only preferred thin women.
Hence why I said "ex".4 -
I was fat when I met my wife, and she never complained. When I started losing weight, she would rub my stomach and say she missed the "Pooh Bear Tummy". But after a year she says she is ok with it... I was pretty fat so I know I look better now. It just took her a little to get used to it. I went from 116 kg to 94. I am currently at 97 and my goal is 85. Not going for too skinny.
My wife has put on a little weight since we married (very little). I have not complained, but she has. I think she is still about 45 kg, so she did not put on much. She is just unhappy about it. But... she will not exercise. She is a 'skip meals to lose weight' kind of gal. It is not really healthy but luckily she does not do it often.2 -
[/quote]
Wooooow. I had an ex like that. Almost to the T. He didn't have as much to lose himself, but was constantly on my about my weight and that he only preferred thin women.
Hence why I said "ex".[/quote]
Wow, such an a hole. Good for you for moving on.
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I was fat when I met my wife, and she never complained. When I started losing weight, she would rub my stomach and say she missed the "Pooh Bear Tummy". But after a year she says she is ok with it... I was pretty fat so I know I look better now. It just took her a little to get used to it. I went from 116 kg to 94. I am currently at 97 and my goal is 85. Not going for too skinny.
My wife has put on a little weight since we married (very little). I have not complained, but she has. I think she is still about 45 kg, so she did not put on much. She is just unhappy about it. But... she will not exercise. She is a 'skip meals to lose weight' kind of gal. It is not really healthy but luckily she does not do it often.
I have a friend that will diet only to lose weight... That's what works for her. But I love the feeling of working out and building my strength. But I wasn't always like that. One of the reasons I will not stop working out, because starting over is the pits and hurt like hell! I remember when I first did chest and back...I went to work and went to sleep in the conference room for an hour. I was wiped out!!!1 -
I was fat when I met my wife, and she never complained. When I started losing weight, she would rub my stomach and say she missed the "Pooh Bear Tummy". But after a year she says she is ok with it... I was pretty fat so I know I look better now. It just took her a little to get used to it. I went from 116 kg to 94. I am currently at 97 and my goal is 85. Not going for too skinny.
My wife has put on a little weight since we married (very little). I have not complained, but she has. I think she is still about 45 kg, so she did not put on much. She is just unhappy about it. But... she will not exercise. She is a 'skip meals to lose weight' kind of gal. It is not really healthy but luckily she does not do it often.
I once had a girlfriend that loved my fat. I hated that. It made me very uncomfortable and insecure. Every time she would pull some "big teddy bear" *kitten* or something like that I would stop her and tell her cut that *kitten* out. It didn't last.
My obesity is not something for me to be proud of.4 -
I once had a girlfriend that loved my fat. I hated that. It made me very uncomfortable and insecure. Every time she would pull some "big teddy bear" *kitten* or something like that I would stop her and tell her cut that *kitten* out. It didn't last.
My obesity is not something for me to be proud of.
@jdlobb I have a friend that like big guys and do the same type of stuff. She calls them Bid Daddy and Big Teddy and all of that. She said it was to let them know that their size didn't matter and she liked them for them. I think it's a backward hand compliment to say that in my opinion.
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I guess they're entitled to their input but ultimately it's your body and your choice what you feel comfortable doing with it.0
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If my weight was getting to a stage where I was seriously unhealthy or putting myself at risk of becoming seriously unhealthy I would want my partner to tell me. My partner has type 1 diabetes and has done since he was 3, for him being healthy is really important and I have told him (constructively) before when we've had a lazy few months that we have to get back on it - but that is more from a health perspective than an aesthetic one because I know that being inactive and eating badly can put him at risk of severe complications with his diabetes.4
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My husband doesn't care about my size. I kind of wish he did, because I'm actually getting resentful that he keeps telling me I'm hot when I feel revolting from regaining so much weight.6
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