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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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He could say all he wants, but until I was ready to change nothing was going to happen. As it happens though, I was obese when I met him, and he loves me and finds me sexy anyway. He said he'll love me and find me sexy when I'm a 150 pounds with saggy skin. He's never said anything about my size, but he supports me in my weight loss efforts.
I love him and find him sexy even though he's put a few pounds on himself. We both know we needed to lose weight, we have mirrors.
He keeps talking about losing, but not doing anything about it, so it's obvious he's not ready. Anything I say would only make him feel bad, and not do anything to make him want to change. Because he already knows he needs to lose. I have tried to get him to use MFP, because he's using the old WW core program points system (the one where a point is roughly 50 calories), because he finds it easier to keep track of 10 points for a meal than 500 calories, but whatever works.2 -
The only reason this topic is the least bit controversial is because of the obvious impact that over-eating has on one's appearance. If we were discussing a spouse's smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling problem, etc., or any other unhealthy habit, no one would hesitate to endorse engaging in a serious conversation about their habits. Instead, we weigh the effect that discussing overeating will have on their feelings, and either risk going forward and hurting their feelings or risk ignoring it and enabling a person who you love to remain unhealthy. I would hope that my loved ones have the courage to engage me about anything that I may be doing that is unhealthy, even if it is risks offending me or hurting my feelings.12
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Bry_Lander wrote: »The only reason this topic is the least bit controversial is because of the obvious impact that over-eating has on one's appearance. If we were discussing a spouse's smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling problem, etc., or any other unhealthy habit, no one would hesitate to endorse engaging in a serious conversation about their habits. Instead, we weigh the effect that discussing overeating will have on their feelings, and either risk going forward and hurting their feelings or risk ignoring it and enabling a person who you love to remain unhealthy. I would hope that my loved ones have the courage to engage me about anything that I may be doing that is unhealthy, even if it is risks offending me or hurting my feelings.
This exactly!4 -
Appearance, no. Food choices, no. Health and wellbeing, yes.
If hubby decides to lose a spectacular amount of weight on the Twinkie diet, all the power to him. I'd insist he take a multivitamin and I'll be around if it fails spectacularly. His intent to lose weight and better himself is supported 100%.2 -
Eden_Goldie wrote: »@Ironandwine69 One would hope you're not from the UK as prenups are pretty much useless here, and one about weight wouldn't stand up in court as a reason for divorce. I'm not sure what weight has to do with a prenup anyway, as they protect a person's assets not the reason for filing for divorce. Anyway, I'd like to think you wouldn't immediately jump to divorce and rather work through the issue.
Oh no. We don't have a prenup.
But seriously, a partner should not have to have a saying on your weight and physical appearance. If one cares about having a healthy relationship in any form, that person will try his/her hardest to be close to he/she knows the partner finds attractive. Of course, you first do it for you, but being attractive for your partner should be as important.5 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »The only reason this topic is the least bit controversial is because of the obvious impact that over-eating has on one's appearance. If we were discussing a spouse's smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling problem, etc., or any other unhealthy habit, no one would hesitate to endorse engaging in a serious conversation about their habits. Instead, we weigh the effect that discussing overeating will have on their feelings, and either risk going forward and hurting their feelings or risk ignoring it and enabling a person who you love to remain unhealthy. I would hope that my loved ones have the courage to engage me about anything that I may be doing that is unhealthy, even if it is risks offending me or hurting my feelings.
Oh this is absolutely true, and my husband and I have talked about my food choices, and overeating habits. All it made me do though is get sneakier and hide my excess food "binges" (not a clinical binge, merely eating an entire bag of Cheetos in one sitting) from him, a habit that I'm still having trouble breaking.
I still stand by my statement that they can talk until they are blue in the face, but unless the person they are talking to is willing to do the work to change, nothing will happen.2 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »The only reason this topic is the least bit controversial is because of the obvious impact that over-eating has on one's appearance. If we were discussing a spouse's smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling problem, etc., or any other unhealthy habit, no one would hesitate to endorse engaging in a serious conversation about their habits. Instead, we weigh the effect that discussing overeating will have on their feelings, and either risk going forward and hurting their feelings or risk ignoring it and enabling a person who you love to remain unhealthy. I would hope that my loved ones have the courage to engage me about anything that I may be doing that is unhealthy, even if it is risks offending me or hurting my feelings.
Oh this is absolutely true, and my husband and I have talked about my food choices, and overeating habits. All it made me do though is get sneakier and hide my excess food "binges" (not a clinical binge, merely eating an entire bag of Cheetos in one sitting) from him, a habit that I'm still having trouble breaking.
I still stand by my statement that they can talk until they are blue in the face, but unless the person they are talking to is willing to do the work to change, nothing will happen.
Why wouldn't you be willing to be healthy and look good for your husband?0 -
Hubby and I are getting older and droopier. I intend to lie a lot and mutually agree that we are the most attractive people on the planet.
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Bry_Lander wrote: »The only reason this topic is the least bit controversial is because of the obvious impact that over-eating has on one's appearance. If we were discussing a spouse's smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling problem, etc., or any other unhealthy habit, no one would hesitate to endorse engaging in a serious conversation about their habits. Instead, we weigh the effect that discussing overeating will have on their feelings, and either risk going forward and hurting their feelings or risk ignoring it and enabling a person who you love to remain unhealthy. I would hope that my loved ones have the courage to engage me about anything that I may be doing that is unhealthy, even if it is risks offending me or hurting my feelings.
Oh this is absolutely true, and my husband and I have talked about my food choices, and overeating habits. All it made me do though is get sneakier and hide my excess food "binges" (not a clinical binge, merely eating an entire bag of Cheetos in one sitting) from him, a habit that I'm still having trouble breaking.
I still stand by my statement that they can talk until they are blue in the face, but unless the person they are talking to is willing to do the work to change, nothing will happen.
The last sentence is certainly true, but it's also true of alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling and other unhealthy habits. I don't see that as a reason not to mention it.3 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I don't understand why someone wouldn't want their spouse to tell them if they no longer find them physically appealing. That can turn into a major marital issue and if my husband ever starts to feel that way about me, I very much want him to tell me so that we can discuss it and work on it together.
It's not always about finding them attractive. You can find someone attractive and still want them to stop an unhealthy habit even if it will change their looks.2 -
Ironandwine69 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »The only reason this topic is the least bit controversial is because of the obvious impact that over-eating has on one's appearance. If we were discussing a spouse's smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling problem, etc., or any other unhealthy habit, no one would hesitate to endorse engaging in a serious conversation about their habits. Instead, we weigh the effect that discussing overeating will have on their feelings, and either risk going forward and hurting their feelings or risk ignoring it and enabling a person who you love to remain unhealthy. I would hope that my loved ones have the courage to engage me about anything that I may be doing that is unhealthy, even if it is risks offending me or hurting my feelings.
Oh this is absolutely true, and my husband and I have talked about my food choices, and overeating habits. All it made me do though is get sneakier and hide my excess food "binges" (not a clinical binge, merely eating an entire bag of Cheetos in one sitting) from him, a habit that I'm still having trouble breaking.
I still stand by my statement that they can talk until they are blue in the face, but unless the person they are talking to is willing to do the work to change, nothing will happen.
Why wouldn't you be willing to be healthy and look good for your husband?
To be blunt, I didn't think I was worth it. I was sexually and emotionally abused as a child. I figured if I stayed fat and made myself ugly I would be invisible to men who would want to sexually assault me, and my self-worth said I didn't deserve to be loved because my mom told me I wasn't.
It wasn't until I was on the proper medications for my mental illness and had my PTSD treated that I was mentally capable of changing myself. I'm still afraid of attention from men, and still not convinced entirely that I'm worth it, I have a hard time feeling lovable, but I don't want to eat myself to death either.
I'm working on the self-esteem, and I'm a big enough witch-with-a-b that I can handle the men if they harass me.7 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I don't understand why someone wouldn't want their spouse to tell them if they no longer find them physically appealing. That can turn into a major marital issue and if my husband ever starts to feel that way about me, I very much want him to tell me so that we can discuss it and work on it together.
It's not always about finding them attractive. You can find someone attractive and still want them to stop an unhealthy habit even if it will change their looks.
I know that, but there have a been a lot of comments in here where basically the person is saying that if their spouse finds them less attractive then too bad
OIC Yeah, that doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to me.3 -
Ironandwine69 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »The only reason this topic is the least bit controversial is because of the obvious impact that over-eating has on one's appearance. If we were discussing a spouse's smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling problem, etc., or any other unhealthy habit, no one would hesitate to endorse engaging in a serious conversation about their habits. Instead, we weigh the effect that discussing overeating will have on their feelings, and either risk going forward and hurting their feelings or risk ignoring it and enabling a person who you love to remain unhealthy. I would hope that my loved ones have the courage to engage me about anything that I may be doing that is unhealthy, even if it is risks offending me or hurting my feelings.
Oh this is absolutely true, and my husband and I have talked about my food choices, and overeating habits. All it made me do though is get sneakier and hide my excess food "binges" (not a clinical binge, merely eating an entire bag of Cheetos in one sitting) from him, a habit that I'm still having trouble breaking.
I still stand by my statement that they can talk until they are blue in the face, but unless the person they are talking to is willing to do the work to change, nothing will happen.
Why wouldn't you be willing to be healthy and look good for your husband?
To be blunt, I didn't think I was worth it. I was sexually and emotionally abused as a child. I figured if I stayed fat and made myself ugly I would be invisible to men who would want to sexually assault me, and my self-worth said I didn't deserve to be loved because my mom told me I wasn't.
It wasn't until I was on the proper medications for my mental illness and had my PTSD treated that I was mentally capable of changing myself. I'm still afraid of attention from men, and still not convinced entirely that I'm worth it, I have a hard time feeling lovable, but I don't want to eat myself to death either.
I'm working on the self-esteem, and I'm a big enough witch-with-a-b that I can handle the men if they harass me.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. That's horrible.
It does sound to me like you have a caring partner though. Don't hide from him. Love yourself for you and him. Those are the only two people who matter, other men don't.4 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I don't understand why someone wouldn't want their spouse to tell them if they no longer find them physically appealing. That can turn into a major marital issue and if my husband ever starts to feel that way about me, I very much want him to tell me so that we can discuss it and work on it together.
It's not always about finding them attractive. You can find someone attractive and still want them to stop an unhealthy habit even if it will change their looks.
I know that, but there have a been a lot of comments in here where basically the person is saying that if their spouse finds them less attractive then too bad
Because people sometimes make the mistake of thinking that love and attraction are two different things. And they are, in a way. You can love a person and not find them attractive anymore. But hey, at least there's love....1 -
Ironandwine69 wrote: »Ironandwine69 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »The only reason this topic is the least bit controversial is because of the obvious impact that over-eating has on one's appearance. If we were discussing a spouse's smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling problem, etc., or any other unhealthy habit, no one would hesitate to endorse engaging in a serious conversation about their habits. Instead, we weigh the effect that discussing overeating will have on their feelings, and either risk going forward and hurting their feelings or risk ignoring it and enabling a person who you love to remain unhealthy. I would hope that my loved ones have the courage to engage me about anything that I may be doing that is unhealthy, even if it is risks offending me or hurting my feelings.
Oh this is absolutely true, and my husband and I have talked about my food choices, and overeating habits. All it made me do though is get sneakier and hide my excess food "binges" (not a clinical binge, merely eating an entire bag of Cheetos in one sitting) from him, a habit that I'm still having trouble breaking.
I still stand by my statement that they can talk until they are blue in the face, but unless the person they are talking to is willing to do the work to change, nothing will happen.
Why wouldn't you be willing to be healthy and look good for your husband?
To be blunt, I didn't think I was worth it. I was sexually and emotionally abused as a child. I figured if I stayed fat and made myself ugly I would be invisible to men who would want to sexually assault me, and my self-worth said I didn't deserve to be loved because my mom told me I wasn't.
It wasn't until I was on the proper medications for my mental illness and had my PTSD treated that I was mentally capable of changing myself. I'm still afraid of attention from men, and still not convinced entirely that I'm worth it, I have a hard time feeling lovable, but I don't want to eat myself to death either.
I'm working on the self-esteem, and I'm a big enough witch-with-a-b that I can handle the men if they harass me.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. That's horrible.
It does sound to me like you have a caring partner though. Don't hide from him. Love yourself for you and him. Those are the only two people who matter, other men don't.
Thank you. It is what it is though. I've gotten help for it now, and I'm doing much better now. I do have the best partner though, seriously I really lucked out when I chose him. I thank my lucky stars every day that we met.
I love him very much and I love myself more than I used to. With patience I'll get to where I love myself as much as I love him, and that will be very nice indeed.
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Ironandwine69 wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I don't understand why someone wouldn't want their spouse to tell them if they no longer find them physically appealing. That can turn into a major marital issue and if my husband ever starts to feel that way about me, I very much want him to tell me so that we can discuss it and work on it together.
It's not always about finding them attractive. You can find someone attractive and still want them to stop an unhealthy habit even if it will change their looks.
I know that, but there have a been a lot of comments in here where basically the person is saying that if their spouse finds them less attractive then too bad
Because people sometimes make the mistake of thinking that love and attraction are two different things. And they are, in a way. You can love a person and not find them attractive anymore. But hey, at least there's love....
I'm not sure you can be 'in love' and not find someone attractive though. You may not find them pretty or handsome, but that isn't required for attraction.
I think attraction is what separates loving someone as you may love a friend or your mother and being in love as you ideally would be with your SO or spouse.3 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »The only reason this topic is the least bit controversial is because of the obvious impact that over-eating has on one's appearance. If we were discussing a spouse's smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling problem, etc., or any other unhealthy habit, no one would hesitate to endorse engaging in a serious conversation about their habits. Instead, we weigh the effect that discussing overeating will have on their feelings, and either risk going forward and hurting their feelings or risk ignoring it and enabling a person who you love to remain unhealthy. I would hope that my loved ones have the courage to engage me about anything that I may be doing that is unhealthy, even if it is risks offending me or hurting my feelings.
Not that I disgaree with the idea of mentioning it but I think the controversy is around the implied notion not of stopping the behavior itself, but because of the assumption that behavior results in them becoming less physically attractive.3 -
Personally I think that is a conversation that too people in a relationship should be able to have. Me and my boyfriend discuss this kind of thing all the time, however we may not be the best role models. Neither of us is particularly eloquent and neither of us generally gets offended over anything. So if he notices that I've put on a few pounds he will bluntly say "you've put on a few pounds" and vice versa. He isn't doing it to be mean, but because he knows me and knows I would rather him just say that then beat around the bush, but I don't expect this to work for everyone
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Absolutely a healthy relationship should be able to share. My amazing husband would prefer me to be thicker but he knows I'm more confident a bit thinner so he supports me and tells me I'm beautiful. But I know if I get caught up in losing too much he is gonna call me out on it. Which is good because being confident is great but ending up in a body type the most important person in my life found unattractive would suck.6
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Bry_Lander wrote: »The only reason this topic is the least bit controversial is because of the obvious impact that over-eating has on one's appearance. If we were discussing a spouse's smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling problem, etc., or any other unhealthy habit, no one would hesitate to endorse engaging in a serious conversation about their habits. Instead, we weigh the effect that discussing overeating will have on their feelings, and either risk going forward and hurting their feelings or risk ignoring it and enabling a person who you love to remain unhealthy. I would hope that my loved ones have the courage to engage me about anything that I may be doing that is unhealthy, even if it is risks offending me or hurting my feelings.
Oh this is absolutely true, and my husband and I have talked about my food choices, and overeating habits. All it made me do though is get sneakier and hide my excess food "binges" (not a clinical binge, merely eating an entire bag of Cheetos in one sitting) from him, a habit that I'm still having trouble breaking.
I still stand by my statement that they can talk until they are blue in the face, but unless the person they are talking to is willing to do the work to change, nothing will happen.
This is being super REAL! Thanks for the honesty!3 -
I was told by my s.o.b I mean s.o. he can't do fat chicks. Then call me fat. I have had our 2 kids and stressed and struggled to keep us afloat while you didn't work for a few years. We have been together since high school and I was in the Army Reserve so I was really fit after basic training. We are now 46 and 45. Instead of working with me, you bring me down more. I am so done. I believe you should love a person for who they are and support them and talk about the issues. So now that I am working on me and working to lose the weight for me, will you do me then. Boy bye!11
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wrknonmedaily wrote: »I was told by my s.o.b I mean s.o. he can't do fat chicks. Then call me fat. I have had our 2 kids and stressed and struggled to keep us afloat while you didn't work for a few years. We have been together since high school and I was in the Army Reserve so I was really fit after basic training. We are now 46 and 45. Instead of working with me, you bring me down more. I am so done. I believe you should love a person for who they are and support them and talk about the issues. So now that I am working on me and working to lose the weight for me, will you do me then. Boy bye!
Most hurtful thing my ex ever said to me was that I was too fat to be intimate with. Divorcing him was a very quick loss of 220 lbs of unnecessary weight and made me immediately healthier.
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richardgavel wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »The only reason this topic is the least bit controversial is because of the obvious impact that over-eating has on one's appearance. If we were discussing a spouse's smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling problem, etc., or any other unhealthy habit, no one would hesitate to endorse engaging in a serious conversation about their habits. Instead, we weigh the effect that discussing overeating will have on their feelings, and either risk going forward and hurting their feelings or risk ignoring it and enabling a person who you love to remain unhealthy. I would hope that my loved ones have the courage to engage me about anything that I may be doing that is unhealthy, even if it is risks offending me or hurting my feelings.
Not that I disgaree with the idea of mentioning it but I think the controversy is around the implied notion not of stopping the behavior itself, but because of the assumption that behavior results in them becoming less physically attractive.
Hmmmmm, this is something to ponder @richardgavel0 -
wrknonmedaily wrote: »I was told by my s.o.b I mean s.o. he can't do fat chicks. Then call me fat. I have had our 2 kids and stressed and struggled to keep us afloat while you didn't work for a few years. We have been together since high school and I was in the Army Reserve so I was really fit after basic training. We are now 46 and 45. Instead of working with me, you bring me down more. I am so done. I believe you should love a person for who they are and support them and talk about the issues. So now that I am working on me and working to lose the weight for me, will you do me then. Boy bye!
@wrkonmedaily I understand where you are coming from. I've learned that some people aren't as forgiving as you/we are. They have a short memory when it comes to when they were in a slump or an unfavorable situation.1 -
Nothing wrong with being truthful in a loving way. Communication is key. Don't end up like me!1
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birdiepeeps88 wrote: »Nothing wrong with being truthful in a loving way. Communication is key. Don't end up like me!
@birdiepeeps88 - I agree. Communication is key. But are you implying that you didn't communicate your true feelings and it caused a relationship to break up? I guess I don't know what what, "Don't end up like me" means. Can you explain?0 -
@STLBADGIRL yes, my communication skills aren't perfect. It's caused problems. Won't get into details here.0
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YES! One thing I have learned during my dieting phase is that I cant truly see what I need as much as an outsider can. I can be 6 foot 150 and I might think I have weight to lose still. Sometimes a trusted outsiders perspective can really help.5
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birdiepeeps88 wrote: »@STLBADGIRL yes, my communication skills aren't perfect. It's caused problems. Won't get into details here.
@birdiepeeps88 I understand and thanks for sharing. I've been told that my communication isn't the best at times either. I'm working on it though
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Johns_Dope_AF wrote: »YES! One thing I have learned during my dieting phase is that I cant truly see what I need as much as an outsider can. I can be 6 foot 150 and I might think I have weight to lose still. Sometimes a trusted outsiders perspective can really help.
This is great way to look at it. And I'm just playing devil's advocate, do you think you would be so welcoming if you were obese, and someone wanted to talk to you because you have picked up weight?0
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