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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
STLBADGIRL
Posts: 1,693 Member
in Debate Club
Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
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Replies
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I think that if someone has a problem, no matter what it is, in a relationship they should address it politely and constructively with their partner. That being said, physical looks fade with age and one's weight shouldn't factor too much but everyone's relationship is different.
Personally, my hubby straight up told me that he loves me at any weight and has seen me at my fittest and 9 months pregnant and his affection and such has never wavered.91 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »I think that if someone has a problem, no matter what it is, in a relationship they should address it politely and constructively with their partner. That being said, physical looks fade with age and one's weight shouldn't factor too much but everyone's relationship is different.
Personally, my hubby straight up told me that he loves me at any weight and has seen me at my fittest and 9 months pregnant and his affection and such has never wavered.
That's awesome. Do he have a brother with the same values? LOL. I agree, but sometimes I feel like weight is off limits when I read some of the threads. I agree it is a sensitive subject and should come from a place of love.33 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »I think that if someone has a problem, no matter what it is, in a relationship they should address it politely and constructively with their partner. That being said, physical looks fade with age and one's weight shouldn't factor too much but everyone's relationship is different.
Personally, my hubby straight up told me that he loves me at any weight and has seen me at my fittest and 9 months pregnant and his affection and such has never wavered.
That's awesome. Do he have a brother with the same values? LOL. I agree, but sometimes I feel like weight is off limits when I read some of the threads. I agree it is a sensitive subject and should come from a place of love.
LOL He has an annoying sister. But I digress, I personally am surprised by the sheer amount of people willing to put their relationship out there on the internet to the point of people bad mouthing the spouse rather than having a conversation with the person they married/chose to be with. I definitely agree that it is a sensitive subject and I would be devastated if my partner posted a thread like some of the ones I have seen around here about me.45 -
My husband can say whatever he likes about my weight. At this point, I don't really care anymore.37
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Sadly, many spouses love their mate but lack the skill set to tactfully introduce touchy subjects.
It should come across as 'I'm concerned about our health' rather than 'look at that muffin top' or 'wow, you *kitten* really got fat!'67 -
No. As a latin boy I like a substantial bottom so extra weight on my spouse doesn't bother me. However as a motorcyclist it's hard to ride with a passenger that is (now) heavier than I am (it relates to the vehicle's center of gravity), when I brought this up she immediately turned it into a weight discussion which in 25+ years I've never mentioned.39
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I think if it's a health issue (overweight or obese/underweight or potential eating disorders) then a partner or spouse is right to tactfully broach the subject.
Otherwise I think they need to keep their trap shut, particularly if they're not in perfect shape themselves.66 -
Of course they should. But it should be conducted in a loving respectful way, with the good of one's beloved as the highest goal.26
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Does he/she have a "say"? No. I think love and respect should continue regardless of weight/size/appearance, but it's not as simple as that, I know.
I like to think that most of us know our partner's preferences and we choose to make the effort to meet them, within reason, because we WANT our partner to find us attractive. But your partner has to meet you halfway and his/her expectations have to be reasonable. I figure most of us don't NEED to have our partner point out the flaws. We're very much aware of them, and we're either working to correct them or we're not, but that's on us. Having your partner sit you down to discuss your weight is potentially... very painful.
I think if he/she feels the need to communicate preferences/concerns regarding someone's weight and appearance, they should first think hard about what the realistic result of that communication is, and plan accordingly. Because yes, in a loving committed relationship, honesty is important. But on the other hand, in a loving committed relationship, kindness is also key. And sometimes, those are two competing interests.
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I think they should. I have body dysmorphia so I do not see myself as fat. I don't see myself as slim either but just a little overweight, so someone to tell me would be great. My friends don't tell me either but they are quick to tell me if they think I have lost too much. It's a funny old world.16
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I will go ahead and admit to being the worst case scenario a-hole. My ex became utterly miserable to be around as she gained weight back after dropping to the 120s. It was this ridiculous cycle of self-loathing which was responded to by stuffing the face. After a couple of years, it finally got to the point where, between her terrible attitude and the fact that she looked, to put it nicely, like a stack of tires showing no signs of change, I expressed my opinion with my feet.
Amusingly, she responded to this by getting her health back in order for an "I'll show you" moment, and last I heard, has actually kept it together this time. Sometimes the best thing for a person appears to be to yank the rug out from under them.49 -
You can love someone at any weight and still have preferences in regards to their appearance.
Unfortunately, it is difficult to have a discussion about weight preferences in the same spirit that you might suggest to your spouse that you prefer this outfit to that one.
I'm sure some relationships exist that can have that kind of discussion and not have it go sideways. Most can't. Weight tends to be too personal an issue.28 -
You can not control another persons feelings.
Hopefully, you are not, nor have chosen/choose, a person that is not that shallow, if you want a long term relationship.
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You should be able to discuss anything
A partner demanding for weight change sounds off to me.
editing to add, i can understand it if illness is involved, and if so that has to be handled with care10 -
You and your s.o/spouse/partner should be able to discuss anything! Of course I want my husband to tell me if I am too thin or too large, I'm a reflection of him, so if I look good, so does he!
But, honestly, your loved one and yourself should be able to have adult conversations about health overall. It's more than the physical appearance, its about caring for each other's overall health!23 -
I think a spouse should have a say if it's affecting their health. So skinny they can see your ribs? So fat you can't get on the floor to play with the kids? These are the types of weights that should be talked about.
Do I want my spouse to give me *kitten* when I go up a size in my pants? No. I don't say anything to him.
When it's about appearance, no; when it's about health; yes.41 -
I think there's a line. My guy has definitely put on some pounds since we've been together and I've pestered him to try not to binge eat and get some actual exercise because I am concerned about his health not because I find him 'unattractive' now.
But I think massive weight changes can frequently come with changes in general personality. And I think those are the changes that actually make people leave a spouse for being 'fat'.37 -
I understand it is a personal and touchy issue, but should you remain quiet knowing that your partner's health is at risk, or if in fact that you are truly not attracted to them anymore?
I'm on the fence with this, because I have struggled to lose weight my whole life...and I have been offended 80% of the time when my weight is brought up. But when I analyzed why I was behaving this way, it is because internally it is something that I struggle with. The truth is/was I do need to lose weight and just because it is hard for me to hear doesn't mean it isn't the truth. However, I would have welcomed the convo better if after the conversation it was led with, ways to help me achieve that goal.
On the other hand, I know what I am attracted to and it would be a struggle for me if my guy gained an enormous amount of weight OR was frail thin AND WAS NOT SICK.
So I don't know how I feel about this subject yet
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in a decent, polite way, yes.
My ex would just blantly tell me I'm getting fat and force me to do excercise.
that's why he's the ex.27 -
in a decent, polite way, yes.
My ex would just blantly tell me I'm getting fat and force me to do excercise.
that's why he's the ex.
@rodwen89 High Five to you for leaving a situation like that. But, what is a decent polite way? I'm asking because no matter how nice and sensitive someone was to me (and my other friends in this situation) it came off as brash. It wasn't until I fully accepted it myself that i was able to hear the sincerity.
For some reason we hear it totally different as the way it was presented....12 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »in a decent, polite way, yes.
My ex would just blantly tell me I'm getting fat and force me to do excercise.
that's why he's the ex.
@rodwen89 High Five to you for leaving a situation like that. But, what is a decent polite way? I'm asking because no matter how nice and sensitive someone was to me (and my other friends in this situation) it came off as brash. It wasn't until I fully accepted it myself that i was able to hear the sincerity.
For some reason we hear it totally different as the way it was presented....
I guess, for me,this would depend on the dynamic of the relationship and how the communication is with other subjects.4 -
You can love someone at any weight and still have preferences in regards to their appearance.
I totally agree with this.
My fiance let me know very early on that he loved the way I looked and never wanted me to change.
That being said, after about 3 years together I had gained about 15 lbs and he never mentioned it, even when I did.
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As someone below said, when it's about appearance, no. When it's about health, yes. I haven't read the whole thread, I admit, but what I haven't seen in any of the responses I've read so far is the consideration that one spouse's health can have devastating effects on others. If one partner has, for example, a heart attack or stroke because s/he is obese, you can be damn sure it will affect the entire family - psychologically, physically, financially. Possibly forever. Or an obese parent's poor example for his or her children may doom them to a lifetime of obesity themselves.
My mom's entire side of the family has a huge history of diabetes, heart attack, and stroke. Some of it, I acknowledge, is genetic predisposition - I have to work REALLY HARD to keep the weight off while my husband can skip one meal and lose 5 pounds, I swear - but most of it is self-imposed. I've seen the fallout of their health issues- divorce, substance abuse, bankruptcy, torched relationships. I DO NOT want to be the burden to my beloved husband and/or children that my mom became to me. I will do everything in my power to prevent that for as long as I can.26 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »in a decent, polite way, yes.
My ex would just blantly tell me I'm getting fat and force me to do excercise.
that's why he's the ex.
@rodwen89 High Five to you for leaving a situation like that. But, what is a decent polite way? I'm asking because no matter how nice and sensitive someone was to me (and my other friends in this situation) it came off as brash. It wasn't until I fully accepted it myself that i was able to hear the sincerity.
For some reason we hear it totally different as the way it was presented....
I guess, for me,this would depend on the dynamic of the relationship and how the communication is with other subjects.
That's a very good point of view.3 -
MY OPINION ONLY!!!! SO ALL YOU REGULAR BASHERS, DON'T COMMENT!!!
I think this should be a discussion when dating. I hear guys all the time saying if their wife gained weight they would make her run around the block. I always told my husband even when we first started to date he would look better with a little bit more weight. Only because he looks unhealthy, not unattractive because he is very attractive. He has never said anything about my weight but when you think you look your best and don't get a compliment, well, you have to read between the lines. If you, yourself don't feel good about your weight you shouldn't expect others to feel good about your weight either.18 -
As someone below said, when it's about appearance, no. When it's about health, yes. I haven't read the whole thread, I admit, but what I haven't seen in any of the responses I've read so far is the consideration that one spouse's health can have devastating effects on others. If one partner has, for example, a heart attack or stroke because s/he is obese, you can be damn sure it will affect the entire family - psychologically, physically, financially. Possibly forever. Or an obese parent's poor example for his or her children may doom them to a lifetime of obesity themselves.
My mom's entire side of the family has a huge history of diabetes, heart attack, and stroke. Some of it, I acknowledge, is genetic predisposition - I have to work REALLY HARD to keep the weight off while my husband can skip one meal and lose 5 pounds, I swear - but most of it is self-imposed. I've seen the fallout of their health issues- divorce, substance abuse, bankruptcy, torched relationships. I DO NOT want to be the burden to my beloved husband and/or children that my mom became to me. I will do everything in my power to prevent that for as long as I can.
This is a very good point of view - and I am playing devil's advocate here for a moment. You took this stance on your own. How would it be taken if you went to your Mom or spouse with this concern - I want you to lose weight because this is a strain on the family, finances and weighs on us psychologically, hell could even potentially shorten their life, etc (in a nice and concerning way)....which are all good points - the other person, most likely, would be pissed OR hurt and automatically categorize this as an attack, body shaming or even being judgmental towards them...0 -
I'm not sure how to say this...but I think care for appearance needs to be factored in. Not so much for weight loss but weight gain. If my spouse is gaining weight, but still is wearing/buying nice clothes, is well groomed and still active in our relationship (i.e. we still go for walks, and have great sex) it's not an issue - attractiveness is more than just physical, it's the whole package. That said, if weight gain is happening, and all effort in appearance has gone, they maybe a conversation should happen. The approach should be "What's going on?" and "How can I help," instead of "You're fat, do something".
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rolenthegreat wrote: »I think there's a line. My guy has definitely put on some pounds since we've been together and I've pestered him to try not to binge eat and get some actual exercise because I am concerned about his health not because I find him 'unattractive' now.
But I think massive weight changes can frequently come with changes in general personality. And I think those are the changes that actually make people leave a spouse for being 'fat'.
I think that's probably hitting the nail on the head, and it goes along with @Gallowmere1984 story. I'm sure there are a-holes who truly trade in their "fat" wife for a skinny one, but I think, more often than not, if a couple splits over something like this, the weight gain is just one of many factors - depression, stress, exhaustion, etc., which is making the relationship difficult.MY OPINION ONLY!!!! SO ALL YOU REGULAR BASHERS, DON'T COMMENT!!!
I think this should be a discussion when dating. I hear guys all the time saying if their wife gained weight they would make her run around the block. I always told my husband even when we first started to date he would look better with a little bit more weight. Only because he looks unhealthy, not unattractive because he is very attractive. He has never said anything about my weight but when you think you look your best and don't get a compliment, well, you have to read between the lines. If you, yourself don't feel good about your weight you shouldn't expect others to feel good about your weight either.
I agree with this, too, but I think it's simplistic. People grow, people change, lives change. My ex and I discussed everything under the sun before we got married, and boy, we thought we had it figured out. But 8 years later, our lives looked very different, our perspectives had changed, we'd both changed, and some of those conversations we'd had way back just seemed like good ammo. "You SAID you'd never..."
I mean, don't marry a guy who says he'll make you run around the block if you gain 5 pounds. That's obvious. But barring big blaring red flags like that, it's really hard to say how someone is going to handle situations 10 years down the road.32 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »rolenthegreat wrote: »I think there's a line. My guy has definitely put on some pounds since we've been together and I've pestered him to try not to binge eat and get some actual exercise because I am concerned about his health not because I find him 'unattractive' now.
But I think massive weight changes can frequently come with changes in general personality. And I think those are the changes that actually make people leave a spouse for being 'fat'.
I think that's probably hitting the nail on the head, and it goes along with @Gallowmere1984 story. I'm sure there are a-holes who truly trade in their "fat" wife for a skinny one, but I think, more often than not, if a couple splits over something like this, the weight gain is just one of many factors - depression, stress, exhaustion, etc., which is making the relationship difficult.MY OPINION ONLY!!!! SO ALL YOU REGULAR BASHERS, DON'T COMMENT!!!
I think this should be a discussion when dating. I hear guys all the time saying if their wife gained weight they would make her run around the block. I always told my husband even when we first started to date he would look better with a little bit more weight. Only because he looks unhealthy, not unattractive because he is very attractive. He has never said anything about my weight but when you think you look your best and don't get a compliment, well, you have to read between the lines. If you, yourself don't feel good about your weight you shouldn't expect others to feel good about your weight either.
I agree with this, too, but I think it's simplistic. People grow, people change, lives change. My ex and I discussed everything under the sun before we got married, and boy, we thought we had it figured out. But 8 years later, our lives looked very different, our perspectives had changed, we'd both changed, and some of those conversations we'd had way back just seemed like good ammo. "You SAID you'd never..."
I mean, don't marry a guy who says he'll make you run around the block if you gain 5 pounds. That's obvious. But barring big blaring red flags like that, it's really hard to say how someone is going to handle situations 10 years down the road.
You may have a point. I have a friend that only wanted to date studs, with muscles....well that list has changed since most (I said MOST) of those guys were no good to her. Now she feels she will sacrifice the muscles for a a decent dude that will treat her nice, be respectful and be faithful....
But those are character flaws. I believe one can have that balance in a partner.8 -
What you seem to be asking is really "Is conditional love ok?"
Of course! The concept of unconditional love is absurd. No rational person would love someone who physically or mentally abuses them. This is simply a matter of what we are willing to put up with and the level of tactfullness applied.
As for weight and aesthetics? These are fleeting to begin with. With anything it isn't what is said, but how it is said. Is this coming from a place of love or hostility? Is ignoring destructive behavior an act of love or cowardice? No one is offended by falsehoods, so if you are offended, there's likely an element of truth to what is being said.
Demands and ultimatums are doomed for failure - this scenario is never going to end well and highlights serious lack of communication in a relationship to begin with. A better way to approaching this would be to point out a specific activity that promotes a healthy weight and lifestyle. "Hey there's a 5 k coming up this summer and I want us to do this together".
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