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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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@heiliskrimsli A lot has been mentioned about SO being overweight/obese and I'm wondering if you (and others who feel the same) would be leaving your SO if they became underweight?
If they were so underweight that it became unattractive and killed the sex life and the relationship, sure.
I've just never actually been in the situation where weight loss was the problem. Previous experience has been with people who gained weight.
What you're essentially asking is if I'd be in a relationship with someone I did not find attractive and the answer to that is unequivocally "No."
There are people who I have in my life, who I care about, who are not related to me and who I'm not sexually attracted to or having sex with. Those people are called friends. They are not candidates for a romantic relationship.1 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »Just for the record for 30+ years I have from time to time asked does this make me look fat or my butt look too big. He always answers with "his" truth. Sometimes it was a yes and others it was a no. I appreciated him being honest.
BUT if it was an outfit I really really liked I would not ask incase the answer was yes lol.
I remember my cousin took an ID picture. Her face covered the whole square of the picture. She did look like she gained a lot of weight. She said to her husband....."Gosh, do I really look this fat in this picture?" In the nicest sweetest tone he said "yes". No more, no less. She ran off crying, called all of her friends saying that he called her fat and other men in the streets think she is attractive and her husband, the one she loves thinks she is fat....I mean it went on and on and on. She even took it to social media and made it sound so horrible that everyone told her to leave her husband, etc. And her husband was one of the best things that happened to her. If I wasn't there I would have believed her, that's how convincing she was. i witnessed this....He only said, "Yes" to a question she asked him. Furthermore....she thought she looked fat herself. Why can she think she looks fat, but he can't be honest WHEN HE IS ASKED?
some people just always want to be lied to I think
I think it is sad when women do stuff like this to their husbands though, poor guys7 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
I think it is hard to imagine at a current age how you will feel later in life, but I think our view of what is attractive tends to age with us. I am guessing when you are 70 neither of you will think gray hair or balding is an unattractive feature.
My husband is around 34, and we can be out somewhere and you see a beautiful young 20s gal out wearing booty shorts and he will be like, "gosh, why is she dressed like that, she is just a kid". I am sure when he was in his early 20s he would have been drooling, but now he seems to be less attracted to that. (or he is just lying since I am around). Or when I look at a picture of my crush from high school, at the time I thought he was totally hot and soooo mature. Now I look at that picture and its like, ewwww, he is just a baby.
Of course you hear the stories of the people who continually trade their SO in for a younger model, but I don't think everyone is like that. Plus, I agree with alot of what people are saying about many factors playing into attractiveness towards your spouse besides strictly physical. The physical matters, but alot of older couples look at those wrinkles as trophies they earned battling out life together, not something to be disgusted by.
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »@heiliskrimsli A lot has been mentioned about SO being overweight/obese and I'm wondering if you (and others who feel the same) would be leaving your SO if they became underweight?
If they were so underweight that it became unattractive and killed the sex life and the relationship, sure.
I've just never actually been in the situation where weight loss was the problem. Previous experience has been with people who gained weight.
What you're essentially asking is if I'd be in a relationship with someone I did not find attractive and the answer to that is unequivocally "No."
There are people who I have in my life, who I care about, who are not related to me and who I'm not sexually attracted to or having sex with. Those people are called friends. They are not candidates for a romantic relationship.
I've read what you wrote and the focus was on an SO who gained weight, not lost, so I wanted to find out if your unattraction would go that way as well. Some people only care about a partner getting fat, not getting too thin. Thanks.0 -
Aging is something that unless you die young is unavoidable and will happen to us all. It's also natural to be attracted to people who are around the same age that we are, although there are outliers.
When it comes to an adult with normal mental faculties, being overweight or underweight is a choice, not an inevitable part of life that we all go through. It may seem wrong to some that I have a different view of aging than I do of gaining or losing significant amounts of weight, but it's a fact. While the ages of people I'm attracted to has changed as I've gotten older, I've never been attracted to overweight or significantly underweight people.1 -
MsMaeFlowers wrote: »I had to tell my husband a while back that I love him no matter what, but that if he gained any more weight, certain positions would become impossible for me. I was nice about it, didn't tell him he had to lose weight or anything like that. He has since joined the gym and started losing some weight. He wasn't willing to give up what he likes to do, and he decided that was enough motivation.
Now this is positive reinforcement in action!6 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
I understand what you are saying -but attraction means a lot to me as well. We can agree that attraction is a big realm of things. For instance, I have dated this guy that was so HOTTTTT. Geez he was hot, but he had a piss poor personality and attitude, which made him very unattractive to me even though he looked HOT! It is a matter of perspective IMO. For instance I'm not ready to date a 70 year old right now, because the saggy balls and 100% white pubes I'm not ready for.....but I can deal with someone around my age and we are progressing through them things together. I know with age comes potential weight gain, but my expectation is for you to remain active, be conscious about it because I want to be attracted to you, have fun and have you around for a long time.
I think your expectations are right on target. I'm old fashioned about this, but I believe that we have a responsibility to our friends, family, and most importantly our spouses and significant others to be positive and make things better. This begins with personal maintenance and improvement. What better way to honor your spouse than by keeping up your appearance, attitude, and demeanor. Now this does not included obvious exceptions such as medical issues and I'm not focused on aesthetics, but health - absolutely.1 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
I understand what you are saying -but attraction means a lot to me as well. We can agree that attraction is a big realm of things. For instance, I have dated this guy that was so HOTTTTT. Geez he was hot, but he had a piss poor personality and attitude, which made him very unattractive to me even though he looked HOT! It is a matter of perspective IMO. For instance I'm not ready to date a 70 year old right now, because the saggy balls and 100% white pubes I'm not ready for.....but I can deal with someone around my age and we are progressing through them things together. I know with age comes potential weight gain, but my expectation is for you to remain active, be conscious about it because I want to be attracted to you, have fun and have you around for a long time.
I don't think we disagree, here, I think I'm just wondering where the line is, for everyone. We're talking about "drastic" changes, or "significant" weight gain, or "Fabio" turned into "Fat Albert," but aside from health concerns, at what point would weight gain (or loss) be significant enough to affect one's marriage based on lack of sexual attraction? Are there other features that are similarly important, or is weight a unique feature because of the perceived ability to "control" it? Because yeah - I can dye my hair. I DO dye my hair. But does he have a right to expect it?
I just don't know. I'm sure the answer is different for everyone, and I know there are a lot of other factors at play, but I'm curious. Like I said - it's a personal insecurity for me, and I think this is a really interesting discussion.
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I don't see why not.
I mean you don't have to be an *kitten* about it, but I would rather my husband tell me when my *kitten* is getting big. It's kind of hard to look back there.1 -
I think what they're saying is that, whether it's a choice or not, if there's no sex in the marriage because there's no attraction, it isn't going to last anyway. I'm sure there are more aspects to attraction than just physical appearance, though.
I agree with you.
I know that some people don't view sex as being as important in a relationship as I do, but for me, if we're not connecting in a sexual way anymore then that's a huge issue. I've found that when we're lacking on it, it bleeds into other parts of our relationship because we're both more irritable with one another due to the fact that we're sexually frustrated. When we have a good sex life together, everything is better.
I agree with you. But sex is 99% mental and 1% looks. Especially when you have been together for a long time.
My husband is a very healthy man, he has been lifting for years and looks awesome. During the best shape of his life, he was really pushing himself hard, and was always tired, hungry and cranky. No good.11 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
I understand what you are saying -but attraction means a lot to me as well. We can agree that attraction is a big realm of things. For instance, I have dated this guy that was so HOTTTTT. Geez he was hot, but he had a piss poor personality and attitude, which made him very unattractive to me even though he looked HOT! It is a matter of perspective IMO. For instance I'm not ready to date a 70 year old right now, because the saggy balls and 100% white pubes I'm not ready for.....but I can deal with someone around my age and we are progressing through them things together. I know with age comes potential weight gain, but my expectation is for you to remain active, be conscious about it because I want to be attracted to you, have fun and have you around for a long time.
I think your expectations are right on target. I'm old fashioned about this, but I believe that we have a responsibility to our friends, family, and most importantly our spouses and significant others to be positive and make things better. This begins with personal maintenance and improvement. What better way to honor your spouse than by keeping up your appearance, attitude, and demeanor. Now this does not included obvious exceptions such as medical issues and I'm not focused on aesthetics, but health - absolutely.
I think a few people here have brought up the idea of a responsibility for maintaining a healthy fit body for our loved ones. That if we love them we would do that, we would be a good example, etc but sometimes you also get a pass if you just had a baby or a medical issue or something is more important in your life than your weight.
IME it is easy to ignore your own health issues- weight, mental health, check ups, etc- when you focus on caring a lot for others and tend to put yourself last. I've seen it with a lot of people who do a lot for others. There is always something that seems more important than you for these kinds of people. Saying to them "If you really loved your spouse or kids you would maintain a healthy weight" is manipulation not truth of their depth of feelings.
My mom was overweight her whole adult life. It was a struggle for her. She got cancer and died several years ago. She was hard working and always doing things for others. She was always there for family and friends. She never forgot a birthday or anniversary. She took a lot of burden on herself and held our family together through many tough times. I wish she had put herself first more or shifted more of the burden to the rest of us. My mom did not stay fat and die of cancer because she didn't love or honor her family or friends enough.
I think it is more useful to tell someone to be more selfish than to be healthy for others. Be healthy for themselves because they deserve to feel good and have a full life. They should decide what that looks like for them and be supported in their goals
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JeepHair77 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
I understand what you are saying -but attraction means a lot to me as well. We can agree that attraction is a big realm of things. For instance, I have dated this guy that was so HOTTTTT. Geez he was hot, but he had a piss poor personality and attitude, which made him very unattractive to me even though he looked HOT! It is a matter of perspective IMO. For instance I'm not ready to date a 70 year old right now, because the saggy balls and 100% white pubes I'm not ready for.....but I can deal with someone around my age and we are progressing through them things together. I know with age comes potential weight gain, but my expectation is for you to remain active, be conscious about it because I want to be attracted to you, have fun and have you around for a long time.
I don't think we disagree, here, I think I'm just wondering where the line is, for everyone. We're talking about "drastic" changes, or "significant" weight gain, or "Fabio" turned into "Fat Albert," but aside from health concerns, at what point would weight gain (or loss) be significant enough to affect one's marriage based on lack of sexual attraction? Are there other features that are similarly important, or is weight a unique feature because of the perceived ability to "control" it? Because yeah - I can dye my hair. I DO dye my hair. But does he have a right to expect it?
I just don't know. I'm sure the answer is different for everyone, and I know there are a lot of other factors at play, but I'm curious. Like I said - it's a personal insecurity for me, and I think this is a really interesting discussion.
My husband is twice my weight. He's gained about 70# during our marriage. I don't find him less attractive because he's obese. He certainly did find me unattractive when I gained 100#. I don't base my marriage on just having sexy time, but it is nice to get it twice a year instead of never.
If people want to have sex as the main basis of their relationship, that's cool.1 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
I understand what you are saying -but attraction means a lot to me as well. We can agree that attraction is a big realm of things. For instance, I have dated this guy that was so HOTTTTT. Geez he was hot, but he had a piss poor personality and attitude, which made him very unattractive to me even though he looked HOT! It is a matter of perspective IMO. For instance I'm not ready to date a 70 year old right now, because the saggy balls and 100% white pubes I'm not ready for.....but I can deal with someone around my age and we are progressing through them things together. I know with age comes potential weight gain, but my expectation is for you to remain active, be conscious about it because I want to be attracted to you, have fun and have you around for a long time.
I don't think we disagree, here, I think I'm just wondering where the line is, for everyone. We're talking about "drastic" changes, or "significant" weight gain, or "Fabio" turned into "Fat Albert," but aside from health concerns, at what point would weight gain (or loss) be significant enough to affect one's marriage based on lack of sexual attraction? Are there other features that are similarly important, or is weight a unique feature because of the perceived ability to "control" it? Because yeah - I can dye my hair. I DO dye my hair. But does he have a right to expect it?
I just don't know. I'm sure the answer is different for everyone, and I know there are a lot of other factors at play, but I'm curious. Like I said - it's a personal insecurity for me, and I think this is a really interesting discussion.
My husband is twice my weight. He's gained about 70# during our marriage. I don't find him less attractive because he's obese. He certainly did find me unattractive when I gained 100#. I don't base my marriage on just having sexy time, but it is nice to get it twice a year instead of never.
If people want to have sex as the main basis of their relationship, that's cool.
That's sad. :sad:
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I can't get behind the idea of leaving a spouse simply because you're no longer physically attracted to them (pre- commitment is a different matter).
Suppose your spouse is ever disfigured in a way that makes them physically unattractive to you, or has a health issue that makes having a sex life with them impossible? Unfortunately I have a couple of friends who've gone the health issue route so have some secondary experience with this. Would you leave them?
On the other hand, I can see leaving a spouse because they've lost all respect for you, or themselves, or the relationship. I can see leaving them because they have become self-destructive or -abusive and are dragging you down with them. I don't see leaving without making every effort to pull them out of the downward spiral, but for me, there would come a breaking point.18 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
I understand what you are saying -but attraction means a lot to me as well. We can agree that attraction is a big realm of things. For instance, I have dated this guy that was so HOTTTTT. Geez he was hot, but he had a piss poor personality and attitude, which made him very unattractive to me even though he looked HOT! It is a matter of perspective IMO. For instance I'm not ready to date a 70 year old right now, because the saggy balls and 100% white pubes I'm not ready for.....but I can deal with someone around my age and we are progressing through them things together. I know with age comes potential weight gain, but my expectation is for you to remain active, be conscious about it because I want to be attracted to you, have fun and have you around for a long time.
I don't think we disagree, here, I think I'm just wondering where the line is, for everyone. We're talking about "drastic" changes, or "significant" weight gain, or "Fabio" turned into "Fat Albert," but aside from health concerns, at what point would weight gain (or loss) be significant enough to affect one's marriage based on lack of sexual attraction? Are there other features that are similarly important, or is weight a unique feature because of the perceived ability to "control" it? Because yeah - I can dye my hair. I DO dye my hair. But does he have a right to expect it?
I just don't know. I'm sure the answer is different for everyone, and I know there are a lot of other factors at play, but I'm curious. Like I said - it's a personal insecurity for me, and I think this is a really interesting discussion.
My husband is twice my weight. He's gained about 70# during our marriage. I don't find him less attractive because he's obese. He certainly did find me unattractive when I gained 100#. I don't base my marriage on just having sexy time, but it is nice to get it twice a year instead of never.
If people want to have sex as the main basis of their relationship, that's cool.
Like I said, there are people who aren't relatives who I care about and don't have sex with. Those people are called friends. Fact is, sex is what separates a friend from a romantic partner.
I cannot be happy in a relationship without sex, and I don't mean a grudging once or twice a year but an enthusiastic several times a week. I cannot have sex with someone I'm not attracted to. I'm not attracted to fat people. I'm sure you can see where this is going: I won't be in a relationship with a fat person. Ultimately I choose to live a happy and fulfilling life, and that means having an SO whose bones I want to (and do) jump aggressively and frequently.5 -
The approach should be "What's going on?" and "How can I help," instead of "You're fat, do something".
For me, at least... this was always part of the conversation that is missing more often then not. I didn't need anyone to tell me I gained weight, I already know that. I don't need someone trying to give me some ultimatum. I need a helpful partner who is going to work WITH me to make the needed changes in my life.
When I gained weight during my two pregnancies, my ex brought it up. Sure he was thoughtful and nice about it... but it wasn't a "conversation" that I needed. When I started making changes to lose the weight and be healthier, he moaned and complained about the time I spent working out, about the meals I was choosing to cook, about the money being spent on healthy choices and gym memberships, etc. While I did manage to lose the weight and he was happy to have the skinnier me, he made maintenance such a chore that it was no surprise that after a while the weight started creeping back up again.
This time around, while I have a partner who doesn't really care about my weight at all.. he is being very supportive of my efforts and it makes the process so much easier.
So my opinion.. screw the conversation. Words don't help. Action does.
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Yes I think so. However it should be lenient and health based. If they're complaining over a 5-10 lb gain or loss but you've always been in the normal health bracket, they're being too picky. If it's coming from a place of concern for health (as in you have significantly changed weight and they can see you suffering) then they should bring it up because they love you.
The gray area for me comes when you and your SO met when one was at an unhealthy weight.. if that doesn't come up while dating... should it come up in marriage? I'm not sure. At some point it sits too long to be overly appropriate to bring up unless it is the one who has the weight problem who brings it up. There would be exceptions always though.
It's so case by case. It's hard to weigh in on the matter (lol).
No matter what they should love each other. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to discuss health issues respectfully.3 -
I think a few people here have brought up the idea of a responsibility for maintaining a healthy fit body for our loved ones. That if we love them we would do that, we would be a good example, etc but sometimes you also get a pass if you just had a baby or a medical issue or something is more important in your life than your weight.
IME it is easy to ignore your own health issues- weight, mental health, check ups, etc- when you focus on caring a lot for others and tend to put yourself last. I've seen it with a lot of people who do a lot for others. There is always something that seems more important than you for these kinds of people. Saying to them "If you really loved your spouse or kids you would maintain a healthy weight" is manipulation not truth of their depth of feelings.
My mom was overweight her whole adult life. It was a struggle for her. She got cancer and died several years ago. She was hard working and always doing things for others. She was always there for family and friends. She never forgot a birthday or anniversary. She took a lot of burden on herself and held our family together through many tough times. I wish she had put herself first more or shifted more of the burden to the rest of us. My mom did not stay fat and die of cancer because she didn't love or honor her family or friends enough.
I think it is more useful to tell someone to be more selfish than to be healthy for others. Be healthy for themselves because they deserve to feel good and have a full life. They should decide what that looks like for them and be supported in their goals
Thanks for posting this, I found it very valuable.
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Yes I think so. However it should be lenient and health based. If they're complaining over a 5-10 lb gain or loss but you've always been in the normal health bracket, they're being too picky. If it's coming from a place of concern for health (as in you have significantly changed weight and they can see you suffering) then they should bring it up because they love you.
The gray area for me comes when you and your SO met when one was at an unhealthy weight.. if that doesn't come up while dating... should it come up in marriage? I'm not sure. At some point it sits too long to be overly appropriate to bring up unless it is the one who has the weight problem who brings it up. There would be exceptions always though.
It's so case by case. It's hard to weigh in on the matter (lol).
No matter what they should love each other. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to discuss health issues respectfully.
I'm not a proponent of unconditional love or the idea that someone should stay in a relationship that isn't a positive thing in their life.
I would bring up the weight problem early on, offer help to fix it, and if nothing changes, it's time to move on.
I'm also not going to start dating someone who is at an unhealthy weight. They will not make it to a first date, and if they're hiding it (online dating, blind dates) they won't make it through the first date so there's no risk that I'm going to be OK with it for a while and then have to bring it up later. If there's no attraction up front, there will be no dating.0 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »
I'm also not going to start dating someone who is at an unhealthy weight. They will not make it to a first date, and if they're hiding it (online dating, blind dates) they won't make it through the first date so there's no risk that I'm going to be OK with it for a while and then have to bring it up later. If there's no attraction up front, there will be no dating.
Just to build on this idea, it seems to me that if someone enters into a new relationship with the idea they are going to change someone, that seems like a nice start to a completely dysfunctional relationship anyways. I think it is perfectly acceptable to only pick to date people you are attracted to, I don't really see a good reason to try to force something you don't want. Unless you are unfortunate enough to be having some sort of arranged marriage?The gray area for me comes when you and your SO met when one was at an unhealthy weight.. if that doesn't come up while dating... should it come up in marriage? I'm not sure. At some point it sits too long to be overly appropriate to bring up unless it is the one who has the weight problem who brings it up. There would be exceptions always though.
It just feels like they had to have found the personal attractive to have entered the relationship at all, so something must have changed. If the overweight spouse is still relatively the same then there must be something else going on that is making the other feel less attracted to them I would think.
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