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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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My husband and I have both put on and lost weights over the years. We generally are trying to be healthy and fit...
Now when we put on weight and feel terrible we really are comforting each other, trying to make us feel less bad... and when we are losing we are super supportive : healthy food, encouragement to go to the gym...
WE never demanded anything from each other as we did not have to.....
Now if he was on the path of being morbidly obese, I would absolutely intervene. We are a family he has a responsibility towards me and our daughter to care for himself and lead by example. AS much As I do. I absolutely disagree with the loving no matter what... and it's not about just the weight. If he behaves in a way that I found not acceptable I will tell him so and so does he. Its not THE TRUTH but it's my truth...4 -
With their health in mind yes, but it should be a topic handled with grace, love and respect. My husband and I have definitely fluctuated in weight over the years but we've been there and loved each other no matter what. I believe that's how it should be.
No one will ever tell me hey your fat lose it or I'm done....they obviously don't care or love me like I had imagined they did.1 -
You can love someone at any weight and still have preferences in regards to their appearance.
Unfortunately, it is difficult to have a discussion about weight preferences in the same spirit that you might suggest to your spouse that you prefer this outfit to that one.
I'm sure some relationships exist that can have that kind of discussion and not have it go sideways. Most can't. Weight tends to be too personal an issue.
This! ^^ I've seen this topic debated over and over on here. People have physical preferences. You can still love someone and still have preferences in regards to their appearance. You can still love someone and not be physically attracted to them. You can love someone and be attracted to them based upon who they are as a person, not just their physical appearance.
Would I like it if my husband was stacked and had a six pack? Probably. Have I been equally in love with and attracted to him at all shapes and sizes over the past 22 years. Yes. Have I ever brought up his weight? Only once when his health was so at risk the Dr. said that if he didn't make drastic changes I would wake up next to him dead one day in the very near future.
Has he ever brought up my physical appearance? Verrryyyy carefully with the respectful wish that I be careful about how much muscle mass I pack on. And with the caveat that he will love and support me no matter what my fitness/physical goals were. He doesn't like to see defined musculature on women. I do. It's a balance I have to take into consideration.
I agree that it's an extremely touchy and delicate conversation to have and I'm not sure the right way to go about it other than with respect. And knowing your partner. Are they touchy? Do they lack self-confidence? Can they not handle negative feedback? If the answer is yes, probably better the keep quiet.2 -
mom23mangos wrote: »You can love someone at any weight and still have preferences in regards to their appearance.
Unfortunately, it is difficult to have a discussion about weight preferences in the same spirit that you might suggest to your spouse that you prefer this outfit to that one.
I'm sure some relationships exist that can have that kind of discussion and not have it go sideways. Most can't. Weight tends to be too personal an issue.
This! ^^ I've seen this topic debated over and over on here. People have physical preferences. You can still love someone and still have preferences in regards to their appearance. You can still love someone and not be physically attracted to them. You can love someone and be attracted to them based upon who they are as a person, not just their physical appearance.
Would I like it if my husband was stacked and had a six pack? Probably. Have I been equally in love with and attracted to him at all shapes and sizes over the past 22 years. Yes. Have I ever brought up his weight? Only once when his health was so at risk the Dr. said that if he didn't make drastic changes I would wake up next to him dead one day in the very near future.
Has he ever brought up my physical appearance? Verrryyyy carefully with the respectful wish that I be careful about how much muscle mass I pack on. And with the caveat that he will love and support me no matter what my fitness/physical goals were. He doesn't like to see defined musculature on women. I do. It's a balance I have to take into consideration.
I agree that it's an extremely touchy and delicate conversation to have and I'm not sure the right way to go about it other than with respect. And knowing your partner. Are they touchy? Do they lack self-confidence? Can they not handle negative feedback? If the answer is yes, probably better the keep quiet.
This is a good point also in knowing your partner. You will get the most out of me from positive reinforcement, because I've had such a bad childhood that some - tough love doesn't exactly work for me. But if you bring your concerns to me from a place of love and you encourage and believe in me - Boy I will kick azz. But if you come from a place of "how long is it going to take you to lose weight, you have been 'trying' (emphasis on trying) your whole life, you need to 'try' something else b/c you keep losing and gaining the same weight"...like my ex did - I'm not going to be in the right mind frame to do it, I'm going to be more depressed about it and eat more....
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I think in theory you should have a say, but I'm having that conversation in my head and idk... I feel icky lol4
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mom23mangos wrote: »I agree that it's an extremely touchy and delicate conversation to have and I'm not sure the right way to go about it other than with respect. And knowing your partner. Are they touchy? Do they lack self-confidence? Can they not handle negative feedback? If the answer is yes, probably better the keep quiet.
That in and of itself is something I see as a major problem and a reason not to be in a relationship with that person.2 -
Mrs complains I'm too skinny when we hug, and complains my pelvis is too sharp. I'm still overweight, but the only me she's ever known was obese. She's just going to have to get used to it.2
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »mom23mangos wrote: »I agree that it's an extremely touchy and delicate conversation to have and I'm not sure the right way to go about it other than with respect. And knowing your partner. Are they touchy? Do they lack self-confidence? Can they not handle negative feedback? If the answer is yes, probably better the keep quiet.
That in and of itself is something I see as a major problem and a reason not to be in a relationship with that person.
Yeah I agree. It would be incredibly draining living with someone who you had to tiptoe around and analyse everything you're going to say 50 times before saying it
Just spit it out, and give it to me straight!! Is the way i like to be told stuff.4 -
JeromeBarry1 wrote: »Mrs complains I'm too skinny when we hug, and complains my pelvis is too sharp. I'm still overweight, but the only me she's ever known was obese. She's just going to have to get used to it.
Ha my husband had me that petrified when he felt my tailbone, that he convinced me i had a tumor or something growing there. It was a most embarrassing doctors visit, when he pulled out his skeleton and pointed to the tailbone
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mom23mangos wrote: »I agree that it's an extremely touchy and delicate conversation to have and I'm not sure the right way to go about it other than with respect. And knowing your partner. Are they touchy? Do they lack self-confidence? Can they not handle negative feedback? If the answer is yes, probably better the keep quiet.
it crosses my mind that it probably isn't just 'a' conversation either. it's probably something that goes better if it turns into a longer-term dialogue, giving both people time to figure out what they want to say and why, and so on.
so that makes me think that the 'bring it up' part is probably just a beginning point. people most likely have to figure the rest of it out as they go.
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I haven't read any replies, but I absolutely think spouses should be free to express an opinion on their spouses weight. And if I'm being honest, I think in cases where the spouse becomes so obese that it is negatively affecting health and lifestyle they should say something. If I was killing myself with fat gain and my spouse said nothing, I would not feel loved. Who watches in silence as someone they love willingly and purposely destroys their health?2
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I agree. We will inject ourselves in other areas of their life if they are getting out of control, I don't understand why weight is considered off limits to some. Furthermore, I believe most will say something to their kid if it happened but not their spouse or s.o.Need2Exerc1se wrote: »I haven't read any replies, but I absolutely thing spouses should be free to express an opinion on their spouses weight. And if I'm being honest, I think in cases where the spouse becomes so obese that it is negatively affecting health and lifestyle they should say something. If I was killing myself with fat gain and my spouse said nothing, I would not feel loved. Who watches in silence as someone they love willingly and purposely destroys their health?
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »
I agree. We will inject ourselves in other areas of their life if they are getting out of control, I don't understand why weight is considered off limits to some. Furthermore, I believe most will say something to their kid if it happened but not their spouse or s.o.Need2Exerc1se wrote: »I haven't read any replies, but I absolutely thing spouses should be free to express an opinion on their spouses weight. And if I'm being honest, I think in cases where the spouse becomes so obese that it is negatively affecting health and lifestyle they should say something. If I was killing myself with fat gain and my spouse said nothing, I would not feel loved. Who watches in silence as someone they love willingly and purposely destroys their health?
I don't either. I wouldn't want that kind of relationship. In fact, it was a comment from my husband that got me to face the fact that those few lbs I'd gained were more than a few. I wish he'd said something sooner.0 -
Absolutely, especially if it comes from a place of concern. Not all comments or opinions on weight are superficial and shallow. Of course it should ideally be voiced with respect.4
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Personally, I think the one person other than your doctor that should have a say in your weight should definitely be your partner. For me personally, I always want my SO to be 100% honest with me. We're supposed to look out for each other, and that includes making sure we're taking care ourselves and each other. Additionally, one of my long term goals is being able to have a healthy pregnancy when the time comes. So, yeah. My SO knows how important that it to me. I also want to have healthy habits that I can pass on to my children. I don't want them to basically have to relearn how to live like I have.
As a side note, I also thing it's totally your SO's right to bring it up if you've GAINED significant weight. Attraction is very important in most relationships.2 -
I think if there are health concerns, the SO should be able to have a gentle, respectful conversation about it. If it's just aesthetics ... I don't know. I think it's fair to know each other's preferences aesthetically but also respect that it's their body and not try to control their choices or reject them if they don't follow your preferences.2
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
not only no, but hell no.
My ex, and so many reasons he was an ex, used to *kitten* why should he have to eat healthy, because I was fat, (he was chunky, but hey, only woman can be fat right?) Support your spouse. If they're concerned about their weight, support them, if they need to lose weight, support them,if they are happy, and you truly love them, leave them alone1 -
I read a great article about this very topic. It mentioned that more than likely your SO/Spouse already knows he/she is overweight. When you blurt out,"You need to lose weight" at that vulnerable moment when your SO/Spouse is half naked and getting dressed to go out to dinner you are not setting the stage for a successful discussion. (And dinner out is going to suck now...just saying...)
Yes, you have to discuss it since you are a team and you deserve to be happy in this life too, but timing is everything. Wait until your SO/Spouse mentions it. That's your opening when you can ease into a sensitive, patient, loving discussion. Start with something smooth like how much YOU want to be HEALTHIER too. Offer to support whatever he/she would like to do about it TOGETHER. See if he/she has any ideas.
No more fast food? SURE!
Be exercise partners? SURE!
Take romantic walks? SURE!
Stop telling or nagging him/her to lose weight. That is not helpful. In fact, nagging is the surest path to getting your SO to smother you with your own pillow some night.
Instead lead by example. Help him/her finish housework/yardwork. Make games up for exercises to do during commercials. Give random massages. Brag about his/her weight loss. Make him/her feel happy for making healthier choices. Buy healthier foods. Make time for both of you to exercise.
Maybe with this approach, your SO/Spouse won't lose all self-confidence and fear your relationship is ending because you no longer find them attractive. Maybe your SO/Spouse will hear what you are really saying which is, "You are my life. Let's make the most of every moment."10 -
mielikkibz wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
not only no, but hell no.
My ex, and so many reasons he was an ex, used to *kitten* why should he have to eat healthy, because I was fat, (he was chunky, but hey, only woman can be fat right?) Support your spouse. If they're concerned about their weight, support them, if they need to lose weight, support them,if they are happy, and you truly love them, leave them alone
If they are happy, but I am not (because I am no longer attracted to them and will not settle for a relationship without sex or sexual attraction) you think that means just leave them alone?
I would leave them alone, by leaving the relationship if they didn't want to get back into shape.0 -
Jonesingmucho wrote: »Instead lead by example. Help him/her finish housework/yardwork. Make games up for exercises to do during commercials. Give random massages. Brag about his/her weight loss. Make him/her feel happy for making healthier choices. Buy healthier foods. Make time for both of you to exercise.
I exercise every day, and already do the yard work. There's no way I'm going to start giving someone massages if I'm not interested in touching them because they're unattractive, though. Not sorry about that at all. I also will not handle someone who is supposedly my equal as if they need to be subtly parented into doing what's healthy.Maybe with this approach, your SO/Spouse won't lose all self-confidence and fear your relationship is ending because you no longer find them attractive. Maybe your SO/Spouse will hear what you are really saying which is, "You are my life. Let's make the most of every moment."
It would be dishonest of me to even pretend that a relationship wouldn't end over a lack of sexual attraction, because it definitely will. Nobody else is my life. I am my life.2 -
I think what's clear is that people are different and have different needs/desires. I'm still attracted to my husband when he's overweight, so I'll only bring it up if it's a health discussion. But for people like @heiliskrimsli, it's a deal breaker. Both parties would be happier if that relationship ended.7
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If I end up with diabetes or heart disease that will definitely affect her and our children...and vice versa...so beyond any discussion of aesthetics or attraction, to me it seems a reasonable topic to be discussing with one another. In regards to whether you have "a say"...sure? You have as much say as you have about any other aspect of each other's lives. It's limited. We're not each other's masters or anything but we are a team and it's fair to have and voice concerns about each other's physical and mental health (which I think are very tied) because we want the best for each other and for our family.
Obviously, if possible, it would be great to have a loving and respectful communication pattern already in place in order to avoid miscommunication about an emotionally charged subject.
...but those are all my thoughts considering I'm trying to lose kind of a lot of weight. I would not be sweating 20 pounds and I would find it irritating and trivial to hassle or be hassled about weight that couldn't reasonably be related to a health concern (whatever you felt that amount actually is).3 -
There's just not caring about your weight any more, and there's simple aging. I think they are two different things. Like, I could say, "I'm simply not attracted to men once their hair starts thinning. If my husband's hair thins, I'm going to break up with him because attraction is too important to me." Well, that isn't about him letting himself go. That's a simple part of aging, and I need to remember that I'm aging too. At that point, I need to get over myself or get myself to some kind of a professional to help me with my narcissism or something. But if I'm with a partner who no longer cares and simply doesn't take care of himself, or if I stop taking care of myself, then that's something we need to work on and it could lead to a breakup, though I think that is often a result of depression and so I hope I'd help someone I loved deal with the depression rather than just dump him.
I think those of us who are older might react to this whole thread differently than people who are still young.11 -
My husband is 100+ pounds overweight. I am 10 pounds overweight. Yet I'm the one here using MFP and going to the gym weekly. We fight about it all the time! I make him healthy lunches and dinners but hes just so lazy...he's on BP meds so it's obviously effecting him health wise. We have 3 young kids but nothing will get him to lose it. I can nag him everyday and unless he wants to do it himself he won't. It's very frustrating. I love him and know I will never leave him because of this but I will keep nagging him hoping that one day he really listens to my nag.5
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There's just not caring about your weight any more, and there's simple aging. I think they are two different things. Like, I could say, "I'm simply not attracted to men once their hair starts thinning. If my husband's hair thins, I'm going to break up with him because attraction is too important to me." Well, that isn't about him letting himself go. That's a simple part of aging, and I need to remember that I'm aging too. At that point, I need to get over myself or get myself to some kind of a professional to help me with my narcissism or something. But if I'm with a partner who no longer cares and simply doesn't take care of himself, or if I stop taking care of myself, then that's something we need to work on and it could lead to a breakup, though I think that is often a result of depression and so I hope I'd help someone I loved deal with the depression rather than just dump him.
I think those of us who are older might react to this whole thread differently than people who are still young.
That's true.
I have autoimmune issues and they are acting up. My fingers aren't working well today. I hurt. I could not keep up with a more active partner today even if I tried. If my spouse was like some of the ear;ier psoters who wants a spouse who can keep up with them, and it's a deal breaker...well, the deal would have broken long ago.
I think for better or for worse, in sickness and in health should allow for weight gain. Now if someone ained a ridiculous amount and needed a caretaker, that's a bit different than a 10-70lb gain.
And I do believe that most people realize when they are overweight and don't need to be told. Especially women. Most are pretty body conscious. My hubby on the other hand was able to deny his gains for quite a while because his pant size was not changing - the belt went under the belly. A well taken picture made him realize he had a tummy. For me, I am much more likely to notice extra weight on myself. Having it pointed out to me would feel like bad manners and just annoy me.8 -
My SO is awesome and deserves to be with a buff, hot guy. Instead she's stuck with me. So I try to stay as fit as possible, both for her AND for my future health and fitness.
In order for me to get fat, I'd have to not give a crap about her or myself. I've told her to dump me in that situation, just as I would her if she got fat (unless she were pregnant or seriously sick).
I'd rather be shallow than unhappy.5 -
I think those of us who are older might react to this whole thread differently than people who are still young.
Getting fat is not an unavoidable part of getting older, and I think you're making assumptions about people's ages that may be very incorrect.I think for better or for worse, in sickness and in health should allow for weight gain. Now if someone ained a ridiculous amount and needed a caretaker, that's a bit different than a 10-70lb gain.
It wouldn't take anywhere close to a 70 lb gain to be a deal breaker for me. BMI goes into overweight? You get a couple of months to fix it. Don't fix it? Goodbye.xmichaelyx wrote: »I'd rather be shallow than unhappy.
I simply will not stay in a relationship where there is no sexual attraction and no sex. People can call me shallow all they want, but I've never heard it from a fit person. It's always from someone who's bitter that I refuse to lower my standards and settle for a lazy, unfit partner who overeats.2 -
xmichaelyx wrote: »My SO is awesome and deserves to be with a buff, hot guy. Instead she's stuck with me. So I try to stay as fit as possible, both for her AND for my future health and fitness.
In order for me to get fat, I'd have to not give a crap about her or myself. I've told her to dump me in that situation, just as I would her if she got fat (unless she were pregnant or seriously sick).
I'd rather be shallow than unhappy.
You are a wise man!3 -
I think that they are perfectly in the right to voice their preference with many things including weight. As far as an actual say in the matter, absolutely not. If the preference is a deal breaker, that is also ok. It should be voiced as that gives the other party full knowledge to make their choice.
An SO can prefer I keep my hair long, that I wear dresses, and that I maintain a healthy BMI. At the end of the day, I am an adult, and they still wouldn't have an actual say in my hair style, wardrobe or weight.6 -
Off course I'd say something to my man if he gains weight, as I'm concerned about his health. Though he's careful enough about his diet and exercise.
And yes I'm expecting him to be honest too.
But it always and always must be done in the most respectful way possible.0
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