Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

STLBADGIRL

enterdanger wrote: »

I can only speak from my experience. Hubs and I are both pretty dense and not terribly sensitive.

Hubs: "You are eating another piece of chocolate?"
Me: *angry glare and clutches chocolate bar obsessively*

Me: "Why do you have a gym membership. You haven't gone in 2 years. Tell them you want your money back because your still fat."
Hubs: "I'm gonna go next week. Did you buy beer?"

Me & Hubs: "God we've gained so much baby weight."
Hubs: "It's your fault for making all that awesome food on maternity leave."
Me: "I grew a person. I need to eat. What's your excuse?"

We openly discuss our fatness...It's sad but we are both somewhat amused by it. Good thing we found each other. There is no one else I rather eat ice cream with while watching My 600lb life.

This made me laugh.

STLBADGIRL

@chaosbutterfly - You mention some interesting points. Often time with weight gain comes decreased activity levels. My cousin gained a good amount of weight - now she rarely wants to go out in public b/c she is afraid someone will see her that she knows. This bothers her husband b/c she will not go to family events, vacations or other events.

manderson27

One of my husbands said things about my being overweight and he is now an ex.

My present husband says things about my weight but he is kind and supportive.

So I guess it depends on how they approach it.

jimd1125

No, it is your body not theirs!

heiliskrimsli

I know there are people who will find this shallow, and that's fine with me. It won't change my opinion.

A relationship, for me, has to involve a happy sex life and that requires me to actually be sexually attracted to the person I'm with. I can't and won't stay in a relationship where that isn't the case. So yes, I'd say something. I have in the past, and I would hope that anyone I'm going to be involved with would do the same. People downplay the importance of sex, including physical sexual attraction, in a relationship all the time, and will quickly judge me for stating that while not everything, it is an extremely important thing. Dead bedrooms end relationships. I've been there, and I put up with it for far too long when I was. I will never do it again.

If that means pointing out that weight gain is making my significant other no longer attractive to me and that the options are to eat less, move more and lose weight or split up, I'll feel no guilt about it. This is the only life I get, and it's going to be a fulfilling one because I won't accept less.

DietPrada

I think it's possible to love someone whether they're thin or fat, however we like what we like. If you are physically attracted to someone and they change significantly, and you're no longer physically attracted to them, then that hurts your relationship. I was over 100kg when I met my fiancé three years ago. It might have been that he preferred bigger girls, physically. I have to respect that and accept that it also affects him if I am no longer that girl. It hasn't been an issue yet, but I am currently roughly 15kg overweight still and only the other day he said something about "not getting too skinny". I feel that I am getting close to what he is comfortable, and mindful that the next 15kg might be confronting. Or maybe I'll only lose 10 and we can both be okay with it. It's definitely something to think about.

I also think it goes the other way. If you meet someone who's fit and healthy and 5 years later they're 300lbs and don't take care of themselves anymore - that's a complete lack of respect and a fine reason for someone to leave you.

peaceout_aly

STLBADGIRL wrote: »

Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?

I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.

I mean, personally, I'd want my S.O. to tell me if he thought I was too large or too thin and I tell him that often. He keeps me in check from my own perspective. I'm actively working towards benching 135 lbs, squatting and DL-ing insane weight, and he is very honest when it comes to every inch of my body. Arms are getting bigger, stomach should be flatter, etc. but it's because I ask him for honest opinions. It doesn't make him love me less or more, it's just an opinion because sometimes I get super in my own head and can't see myself the way others do.

Christine_72

I think my husband would probably say something if i started getting fat, but in a jokey loving way. He would never be abusive or name call. I don't know how to say this politely, but i doubt he would be attracted to me in the bedroom if i was obese, and honestly, vice versa.

We're having the opposite problem at the moment, he is always nagging me to stop losing weight, as to him skinny women are not attractive. But the true reason for his carry on is bOObage, he does not want them to shrink :grumble: He would rather me have the belly podge that drives me nuts and keep my boobs, than have a perfectly flat tummy and no boobs.

zyxst

Christine_72 wrote: »

I think my husband would probably say something if i started getting fat, but in a jokey loving way. He would never be abusive or name call. I don't know how to say this politely, but i doubt he would be attracted to me in the bedroom if i was obese, and honestly, vice versa.

We're having the opposite problem at the moment, he is always nagging me to stop losing weight, as to him skinny women are not attractive. But the true reason for his carry on is bOObage, he does not want them to shrink :grumble: He would rather me have the belly podge that drives me nuts and keep my boobs, than have a perfectly flat tummy and no boobs.

If he wants your boobs, he can pay for surgery.

Christine_72

zyxst wrote: »

Christine_72 wrote: »

I think my husband would probably say something if i started getting fat, but in a jokey loving way. He would never be abusive or name call. I don't know how to say this politely, but i doubt he would be attracted to me in the bedroom if i was obese, and honestly, vice versa.

We're having the opposite problem at the moment, he is always nagging me to stop losing weight, as to him skinny women are not attractive. But the true reason for his carry on is bOObage, he does not want them to shrink :grumble: He would rather me have the belly podge that drives me nuts and keep my boobs, than have a perfectly flat tummy and no boobs.

If he wants your boobs, he can pay for surgery.

Haha i said those exact words to him, but i think we would both prefer small boobs to fake ones. Just to clarify, i do not have small ones, they're just smaller than they once were.

Rincewind_1965

Not sure if I'm supposed to tell anyone that he/she IMO is gravitationally challenged.
Comments regarding personal characteristics usually aren't conceived too well if not made in enthusiastic positive ways.

But I for sure know that the marriage is over should The_Best_Of_All_Possible_Wives ever ask: "Do you think I'm too fat?" ... If anyone knows the correct answered to this, please let me know. (Hint: It's not "Compared to what?")

ana_varn

My bf is on the thinner side and even when he lost more weight we didn't talk about it all the time. However, when he tells me he is getting dizzy or so, I let him know that maybe he should eat something. He is only gaining weight when he is on vacation with me and I eat. If we talk about it I always let him know that I like him and it's not about appearance (it's really not) but rather for his health since he is getting dizzy and feels less energy.

As for him, he never told me anything. We met when I was around 80 kg and now I am around 58-59 kg. He'd compliment me despite the weight on me. There was one time three years ago if not more that he told me to slow down with eating but I remember I had eaten way too much and he knew that this would make me feel bad afterwards. Plus he was very polite so I didn't feel offended.

If you care about your S.O's health then you can have a talk. Don't emphasize too much on the appearance though because in the end being obese or underweight will only lead to health problems. In the end, it's our lives and we can't control another's. It's up to the individual to change for better or worse, isn't it? We can talk, we mustn't control.

CipherZero

"My body, my choice" works for guys too. I've flat out told SWMBO - who when I was still at 28% bodyfat said I was emaciated - "well, you don't get a say in the matter."

RachelElser

When it gets to dangerous level, I would hope the spouse would be concerned and try to intervene. You see the shows about people who are 6, 7 hundred pounds and can't get out of bed. Who is bringing food???

Also, people are attracted to certain types of bodies. You just are. If you fall in love with someone who then completely changes, well, you will probably feel less attracted to them. That doesn't mean that it's okay to go and commit adultery mind you, or be an *kitten* about it. If your spouse asks something along the lines of 'why aren't we as intimate as we used to be' an honest answer can be 'because I am not as attracted to you because of X" X can be weight gain or loss, growing a beard, or any number of physical things.

So I guess, what I am trying to says is both spouses should have input on the other, but not in a 'do this or I'll leave you' or abusive type of mentality, but rather a supportive mentality to help foster a healthy marriage.

heiliskrimsli

Relser wrote: »

Also, people are attracted to certain types of bodies. You just are. If you fall in love with someone who then completely changes, well, you will probably feel less attracted to them. That doesn't mean that it's okay to go and commit adultery mind you, or be an *kitten* about it. If your spouse asks something along the lines of 'why aren't we as intimate as we used to be' an honest answer can be 'because I am not as attracted to you because of X" X can be weight gain or loss, growing a beard, or any number of physical things.

And if you're not attracted to them, you don't owe them sex.

So I guess, what I am trying to says is both spouses should have input on the other, but not in a 'do this or I'll leave you' or abusive type of mentality, but rather a supportive mentality to help foster a healthy marriage.

See, I think it's perfectly acceptable to say that you're not going to stay in a relationship (even a marriage) if it has become sexless because I believe that sex is a very important part of a healthy adult relationship. Weight gain that is making my SO unattractive to me physically will be brought up early, and if it does not change, I will leave. And I expect my SO would do the same.

jeepinshawn

I think that health related discussions are done, and so are ones that revolve around drastic changes. I went from from being super over weight when we got married to reasonably fit. I lost 120lbs. My wife doesn't seem to care one way or the other, odd.

STLBADGIRL

So the one's that that said they would leave the relationship - is it because you think being overly too big or overyly too thin is a choice and self inflicted?

Ben_there_done_that

I think what they're saying is that, whether it's a choice or not, if there's no sex in the marriage because there's no attraction, it isn't going to last anyway. I'm sure there are more aspects to attraction than just physical appearance, though.

heiliskrimsli

STLBADGIRL wrote: »

So the one's that that said they would leave the relationship - is it because you think being overly too big or overyly too thin is a choice and self inflicted?

Absent an actual disease like Prader-WIlli (which would make having an adult relationship difficult because of the mental capacity issues), or anorexia nervosa it absolutely is a choice.

captbklee wrote: »

I think what they're saying is that, whether it's a choice or not, if there's no sex in the marriage because there's no attraction, it isn't going to last anyway. I'm sure there are more aspects to attraction than just physical appearance, though.

There may be more aspects, but the physical one is absolutely required for me to be attracted to someone. If it's not for you, that's fine, but for some of us it's necessary.

A dead bedroom does not a good relationship make, and a fat out of shape partner isn't someone that I'm going to get turned on by.

Rob_in_MI

MeganAM89 wrote: »

captbklee wrote: »

I think what they're saying is that, whether it's a choice or not, if there's no sex in the marriage because there's no attraction, it isn't going to last anyway. I'm sure there are more aspects to attraction than just physical appearance, though.

I agree with you.

I know that some people don't view sex as being as important in a relationship as I do, but for me, if we're not connecting in a sexual way anymore then that's a huge issue. I've found that when we're lacking on it, it bleeds into other parts of our relationship because we're both more irritable with one another due to the fact that we're sexually frustrated. When we have a good sex life together, everything is better.

Absolutely true. If you're not intimate, then you're roommates