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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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My husband and I have both put on and lost weights over the years. We generally are trying to be healthy and fit...
Now when we put on weight and feel terrible we really are comforting each other, trying to make us feel less bad... and when we are losing we are super supportive : healthy food, encouragement to go to the gym...
WE never demanded anything from each other as we did not have to.....
Now if he was on the path of being morbidly obese, I would absolutely intervene. We are a family he has a responsibility towards me and our daughter to care for himself and lead by example. AS much As I do. I absolutely disagree with the loving no matter what... and it's not about just the weight. If he behaves in a way that I found not acceptable I will tell him so and so does he. Its not THE TRUTH but it's my truth...4 -
With their health in mind yes, but it should be a topic handled with grace, love and respect. My husband and I have definitely fluctuated in weight over the years but we've been there and loved each other no matter what. I believe that's how it should be.
No one will ever tell me hey your fat lose it or I'm done....they obviously don't care or love me like I had imagined they did.1 -
You can love someone at any weight and still have preferences in regards to their appearance.
Unfortunately, it is difficult to have a discussion about weight preferences in the same spirit that you might suggest to your spouse that you prefer this outfit to that one.
I'm sure some relationships exist that can have that kind of discussion and not have it go sideways. Most can't. Weight tends to be too personal an issue.
This! ^^ I've seen this topic debated over and over on here. People have physical preferences. You can still love someone and still have preferences in regards to their appearance. You can still love someone and not be physically attracted to them. You can love someone and be attracted to them based upon who they are as a person, not just their physical appearance.
Would I like it if my husband was stacked and had a six pack? Probably. Have I been equally in love with and attracted to him at all shapes and sizes over the past 22 years. Yes. Have I ever brought up his weight? Only once when his health was so at risk the Dr. said that if he didn't make drastic changes I would wake up next to him dead one day in the very near future.
Has he ever brought up my physical appearance? Verrryyyy carefully with the respectful wish that I be careful about how much muscle mass I pack on. And with the caveat that he will love and support me no matter what my fitness/physical goals were. He doesn't like to see defined musculature on women. I do. It's a balance I have to take into consideration.
I agree that it's an extremely touchy and delicate conversation to have and I'm not sure the right way to go about it other than with respect. And knowing your partner. Are they touchy? Do they lack self-confidence? Can they not handle negative feedback? If the answer is yes, probably better the keep quiet.2 -
mom23mangos wrote: »You can love someone at any weight and still have preferences in regards to their appearance.
Unfortunately, it is difficult to have a discussion about weight preferences in the same spirit that you might suggest to your spouse that you prefer this outfit to that one.
I'm sure some relationships exist that can have that kind of discussion and not have it go sideways. Most can't. Weight tends to be too personal an issue.
This! ^^ I've seen this topic debated over and over on here. People have physical preferences. You can still love someone and still have preferences in regards to their appearance. You can still love someone and not be physically attracted to them. You can love someone and be attracted to them based upon who they are as a person, not just their physical appearance.
Would I like it if my husband was stacked and had a six pack? Probably. Have I been equally in love with and attracted to him at all shapes and sizes over the past 22 years. Yes. Have I ever brought up his weight? Only once when his health was so at risk the Dr. said that if he didn't make drastic changes I would wake up next to him dead one day in the very near future.
Has he ever brought up my physical appearance? Verrryyyy carefully with the respectful wish that I be careful about how much muscle mass I pack on. And with the caveat that he will love and support me no matter what my fitness/physical goals were. He doesn't like to see defined musculature on women. I do. It's a balance I have to take into consideration.
I agree that it's an extremely touchy and delicate conversation to have and I'm not sure the right way to go about it other than with respect. And knowing your partner. Are they touchy? Do they lack self-confidence? Can they not handle negative feedback? If the answer is yes, probably better the keep quiet.
This is a good point also in knowing your partner. You will get the most out of me from positive reinforcement, because I've had such a bad childhood that some - tough love doesn't exactly work for me. But if you bring your concerns to me from a place of love and you encourage and believe in me - Boy I will kick azz. But if you come from a place of "how long is it going to take you to lose weight, you have been 'trying' (emphasis on trying) your whole life, you need to 'try' something else b/c you keep losing and gaining the same weight"...like my ex did - I'm not going to be in the right mind frame to do it, I'm going to be more depressed about it and eat more....
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I think in theory you should have a say, but I'm having that conversation in my head and idk... I feel icky lol4
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mom23mangos wrote: »I agree that it's an extremely touchy and delicate conversation to have and I'm not sure the right way to go about it other than with respect. And knowing your partner. Are they touchy? Do they lack self-confidence? Can they not handle negative feedback? If the answer is yes, probably better the keep quiet.
That in and of itself is something I see as a major problem and a reason not to be in a relationship with that person.2 -
Mrs complains I'm too skinny when we hug, and complains my pelvis is too sharp. I'm still overweight, but the only me she's ever known was obese. She's just going to have to get used to it.2
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »mom23mangos wrote: »I agree that it's an extremely touchy and delicate conversation to have and I'm not sure the right way to go about it other than with respect. And knowing your partner. Are they touchy? Do they lack self-confidence? Can they not handle negative feedback? If the answer is yes, probably better the keep quiet.
That in and of itself is something I see as a major problem and a reason not to be in a relationship with that person.
Yeah I agree. It would be incredibly draining living with someone who you had to tiptoe around and analyse everything you're going to say 50 times before saying it
Just spit it out, and give it to me straight!! Is the way i like to be told stuff.4 -
JeromeBarry1 wrote: »Mrs complains I'm too skinny when we hug, and complains my pelvis is too sharp. I'm still overweight, but the only me she's ever known was obese. She's just going to have to get used to it.
Ha my husband had me that petrified when he felt my tailbone, that he convinced me i had a tumor or something growing there. It was a most embarrassing doctors visit, when he pulled out his skeleton and pointed to the tailbone
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mom23mangos wrote: »I agree that it's an extremely touchy and delicate conversation to have and I'm not sure the right way to go about it other than with respect. And knowing your partner. Are they touchy? Do they lack self-confidence? Can they not handle negative feedback? If the answer is yes, probably better the keep quiet.
it crosses my mind that it probably isn't just 'a' conversation either. it's probably something that goes better if it turns into a longer-term dialogue, giving both people time to figure out what they want to say and why, and so on.
so that makes me think that the 'bring it up' part is probably just a beginning point. people most likely have to figure the rest of it out as they go.
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I haven't read any replies, but I absolutely think spouses should be free to express an opinion on their spouses weight. And if I'm being honest, I think in cases where the spouse becomes so obese that it is negatively affecting health and lifestyle they should say something. If I was killing myself with fat gain and my spouse said nothing, I would not feel loved. Who watches in silence as someone they love willingly and purposely destroys their health?2
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I agree. We will inject ourselves in other areas of their life if they are getting out of control, I don't understand why weight is considered off limits to some. Furthermore, I believe most will say something to their kid if it happened but not their spouse or s.o.Need2Exerc1se wrote: »I haven't read any replies, but I absolutely thing spouses should be free to express an opinion on their spouses weight. And if I'm being honest, I think in cases where the spouse becomes so obese that it is negatively affecting health and lifestyle they should say something. If I was killing myself with fat gain and my spouse said nothing, I would not feel loved. Who watches in silence as someone they love willingly and purposely destroys their health?
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »
I agree. We will inject ourselves in other areas of their life if they are getting out of control, I don't understand why weight is considered off limits to some. Furthermore, I believe most will say something to their kid if it happened but not their spouse or s.o.Need2Exerc1se wrote: »I haven't read any replies, but I absolutely thing spouses should be free to express an opinion on their spouses weight. And if I'm being honest, I think in cases where the spouse becomes so obese that it is negatively affecting health and lifestyle they should say something. If I was killing myself with fat gain and my spouse said nothing, I would not feel loved. Who watches in silence as someone they love willingly and purposely destroys their health?
I don't either. I wouldn't want that kind of relationship. In fact, it was a comment from my husband that got me to face the fact that those few lbs I'd gained were more than a few. I wish he'd said something sooner.0 -
Absolutely, especially if it comes from a place of concern. Not all comments or opinions on weight are superficial and shallow. Of course it should ideally be voiced with respect.4
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Personally, I think the one person other than your doctor that should have a say in your weight should definitely be your partner. For me personally, I always want my SO to be 100% honest with me. We're supposed to look out for each other, and that includes making sure we're taking care ourselves and each other. Additionally, one of my long term goals is being able to have a healthy pregnancy when the time comes. So, yeah. My SO knows how important that it to me. I also want to have healthy habits that I can pass on to my children. I don't want them to basically have to relearn how to live like I have.
As a side note, I also thing it's totally your SO's right to bring it up if you've GAINED significant weight. Attraction is very important in most relationships.2 -
I think if there are health concerns, the SO should be able to have a gentle, respectful conversation about it. If it's just aesthetics ... I don't know. I think it's fair to know each other's preferences aesthetically but also respect that it's their body and not try to control their choices or reject them if they don't follow your preferences.2
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
not only no, but hell no.
My ex, and so many reasons he was an ex, used to *kitten* why should he have to eat healthy, because I was fat, (he was chunky, but hey, only woman can be fat right?) Support your spouse. If they're concerned about their weight, support them, if they need to lose weight, support them,if they are happy, and you truly love them, leave them alone1 -
I read a great article about this very topic. It mentioned that more than likely your SO/Spouse already knows he/she is overweight. When you blurt out,"You need to lose weight" at that vulnerable moment when your SO/Spouse is half naked and getting dressed to go out to dinner you are not setting the stage for a successful discussion. (And dinner out is going to suck now...just saying...)
Yes, you have to discuss it since you are a team and you deserve to be happy in this life too, but timing is everything. Wait until your SO/Spouse mentions it. That's your opening when you can ease into a sensitive, patient, loving discussion. Start with something smooth like how much YOU want to be HEALTHIER too. Offer to support whatever he/she would like to do about it TOGETHER. See if he/she has any ideas.
No more fast food? SURE!
Be exercise partners? SURE!
Take romantic walks? SURE!
Stop telling or nagging him/her to lose weight. That is not helpful. In fact, nagging is the surest path to getting your SO to smother you with your own pillow some night.
Instead lead by example. Help him/her finish housework/yardwork. Make games up for exercises to do during commercials. Give random massages. Brag about his/her weight loss. Make him/her feel happy for making healthier choices. Buy healthier foods. Make time for both of you to exercise.
Maybe with this approach, your SO/Spouse won't lose all self-confidence and fear your relationship is ending because you no longer find them attractive. Maybe your SO/Spouse will hear what you are really saying which is, "You are my life. Let's make the most of every moment."10 -
mielikkibz wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
not only no, but hell no.
My ex, and so many reasons he was an ex, used to *kitten* why should he have to eat healthy, because I was fat, (he was chunky, but hey, only woman can be fat right?) Support your spouse. If they're concerned about their weight, support them, if they need to lose weight, support them,if they are happy, and you truly love them, leave them alone
If they are happy, but I am not (because I am no longer attracted to them and will not settle for a relationship without sex or sexual attraction) you think that means just leave them alone?
I would leave them alone, by leaving the relationship if they didn't want to get back into shape.0 -
Jonesingmucho wrote: »Instead lead by example. Help him/her finish housework/yardwork. Make games up for exercises to do during commercials. Give random massages. Brag about his/her weight loss. Make him/her feel happy for making healthier choices. Buy healthier foods. Make time for both of you to exercise.
I exercise every day, and already do the yard work. There's no way I'm going to start giving someone massages if I'm not interested in touching them because they're unattractive, though. Not sorry about that at all. I also will not handle someone who is supposedly my equal as if they need to be subtly parented into doing what's healthy.Maybe with this approach, your SO/Spouse won't lose all self-confidence and fear your relationship is ending because you no longer find them attractive. Maybe your SO/Spouse will hear what you are really saying which is, "You are my life. Let's make the most of every moment."
It would be dishonest of me to even pretend that a relationship wouldn't end over a lack of sexual attraction, because it definitely will. Nobody else is my life. I am my life.2
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