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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »That's the rub, isn't it? That when someone overeats themselves into being enormous, it's not just their own life that's affected. It's their life, their children's lives, the lives of the healthcare workers who have to lift them and risk back injuries that can end their careers, emergency workers who are at increased risk having to help the overweight and obese, and of course their significant others who end up being caretaker to them when they can't bathe themselves, wipe themselves, or even walk anymore.
And it's always avoidable.
Good point. My sister-in-law is a PT.
She hurt herself trying to catch an overweight patient who was falling.
Took about a month to recover.
For the record she has said the #1 reason people end up in nursing homes these days is that they are too out of shape to get out of a chair or off the toilet.
Take it a step further and realize that more healthy and fit people in the population end up paying higher insurance premiums to cover the medical costs associated with those who are overweight.
In Japan, overweight people pay a tax to cover the costs to the medical system.4 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »That's the rub, isn't it? That when someone overeats themselves into being enormous, it's not just their own life that's affected. It's their life, their children's lives, the lives of the healthcare workers who have to lift them and risk back injuries that can end their careers, emergency workers who are at increased risk having to help the overweight and obese, and of course their significant others who end up being caretaker to them when they can't bathe themselves, wipe themselves, or even walk anymore.
And it's always avoidable.
Good point. My sister-in-law is a PT.
She hurt herself trying to catch a large patient who was falling.
Took about a month to recover.
For the record she has said the #1 reason people end up in nursing homes is that they are too out of shape to get out of a chair or off the toilet.
The fact that 90 year old bodybuilders, powerlifters and marathon runners exist is all the proof I needed for that last bit.
On a more "normal" level, we have an older guy at work who injured his knee a few years back, had to have surgery and took months to recover. He decided to lose a bunch of weight, and start weight training and got himself in much better shape. However, he ended up suffering a recurrence of the same injury a few months ago. This time, no surgery required and he was healed and back to work within four weeks instead of three months.
Same dude, same injury, years older, better recovery. Yeah, you do the math.6 -
Gallowmere1984 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »That's the rub, isn't it? That when someone overeats themselves into being enormous, it's not just their own life that's affected. It's their life, their children's lives, the lives of the healthcare workers who have to lift them and risk back injuries that can end their careers, emergency workers who are at increased risk having to help the overweight and obese, and of course their significant others who end up being caretaker to them when they can't bathe themselves, wipe themselves, or even walk anymore.
And it's always avoidable.
Good point. My sister-in-law is a PT.
She hurt herself trying to catch a large patient who was falling.
Took about a month to recover.
For the record she has said the #1 reason people end up in nursing homes is that they are too out of shape to get out of a chair or off the toilet.
The fact that 90 year old bodybuilders, powerlifters and marathon runners exist is all the proof I needed for that last bit.
On a more "normal" level, we have an older guy at work who injured his knee a few years back, had to have surgery and took months to recover. He decided to lose a bunch of weight, and start weight training and got himself in much better shape. However, he ended up suffering a recurrence of the same injury a few months ago. This time, no surgery required and he was healed and back to work within four weeks instead of three months.
Same dude, same injury, years older, better recovery. Yeah, you do the math.
This is an awesome story and testimony.0 -
This is an interesting question, and one I have personal experience with from multiple perspectives.
My first marriage basically imploded over weight related issues. My ex and I had both been overweight and comfortable. I started to lose weight and get in shape, he kept gaining. Not only did our lifestyles diverge, but I think my weight loss made him feel very insecure. The insecurity and feeling physically crappy from being very overweight meant he didn’t want much intimacy, which I took personally and made me feel like I needed to look elsewhere for positive attention. In retrospect I think it would have been much better if we had talked about it more openly, but we were young and the communication skills weren’t there.
In my current relationship we both started out very fit, but I developed a yo-yo pattern due to some unresolved emotional issues regarding food combined with an uptick in stress. When I say yo-yo, I mean I was going up and down 5-10 pounds, basically from the middle of a healthy BMI to the high end of a healthy BMI. My husband made it clear he didn’t like how I looked at the heavier end of the spectrum, but for a long time this just exacerbated my emotional eating problems and we didn’t address any underlying issues. It was a constant strain on the relationship.
Then I got severely injured due to over-exercising/bad lifting form, followed by a pregnancy, miscarriage, an immediate second and difficult pregnancy, and then our baby ended up being born with special needs. Throughout this process I gained more weight than I needed to—about 25 lbs after all was said and done. Obviously this was due to eating more than my caloric needs. Whether you consider it a legitimate reason or an excuse, this rapid succession of events drastically affected my life and ability to successfully manage my dietary habits. While my husband would have once agreed more with the uncompromising and rigid opinions in this thread, he decided that our marriage staying together was priority to him, and stepped up to help me address the changes so I could figure out a new normal that worked. He also removed the pressure of doing things on a particular timeframe. With that support I’ve been able to shed the majority of the extra weight and get back into shape.
So what is the take home message in that novel? I think spouses/SOs should discuss weight issues, because they will affect a relationship whether we talk about them or not. I think for those who are in invested relationships, approaching the situation holistically and with empathy and kindness is most likely to get you the results you want. It’s everyone’s personal prerogative to decide what their limits are in regards to any aspect of a relationship, but long term relationships will always involve a balancing act of each person’s desires vs. making compromises. Finally, if you have a strong foundation of respect on other issues you’ll be more likely to be able to discuss sensitive issues without it blowing up. If each person feels like the other one is honestly trying their best that goes a long way in building mutual good will.
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Gallowmere1984 wrote: »I never said you'd gain 70 pounds. I said some of that weight is the baby, and some is fluids from the pregnancy. There is still a noticeable weight gain, and it can be hard to take off quickly when you are the main caretaker for a baby.
If anything, I'd imagine that being distracted with a baby should leave less time for one of the big contributors to obesity: boredom eating. Hell, when I'm really busy with something (even video games) I can forget to eat for an entire day.
Hahahahahahahahahahah! It does NOT work that way. :noway:11 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Gallowmere1984 wrote: »I never said you'd gain 70 pounds. I said some of that weight is the baby, and some is fluids from the pregnancy. There is still a noticeable weight gain, and it can be hard to take off quickly when you are the main caretaker for a baby.
If anything, I'd imagine that being distracted with a baby should leave less time for one of the big contributors to obesity: boredom eating. Hell, when I'm really busy with something (even video games) I can forget to eat for an entire day.
Hahahahahahahahahahah! It does NOT work that way. :noway:
I think every man should be able to have 1 baby...17 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Gallowmere1984 wrote: »I never said you'd gain 70 pounds. I said some of that weight is the baby, and some is fluids from the pregnancy. There is still a noticeable weight gain, and it can be hard to take off quickly when you are the main caretaker for a baby.
If anything, I'd imagine that being distracted with a baby should leave less time for one of the big contributors to obesity: boredom eating. Hell, when I'm really busy with something (even video games) I can forget to eat for an entire day.
Hahahahahahahahahahah! It does NOT work that way. :noway:
I think every man should be able to have 1 baby...
They wouldn't be saying the ish in this thread that is for sure.15 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »Gallowmere1984 wrote: »I never said you'd gain 70 pounds. I said some of that weight is the baby, and some is fluids from the pregnancy. There is still a noticeable weight gain, and it can be hard to take off quickly when you are the main caretaker for a baby.
If anything, I'd imagine that being distracted with a baby should leave less time for one of the big contributors to obesity: boredom eating. Hell, when I'm really busy with something (even video games) I can forget to eat for an entire day.
Hahahahahahahahahahah! It does NOT work that way. :noway:
I think every man should be able to have 1 baby...
They wouldn't be saying the ish in this thread that is for sure.
Let's just say that despite working 13+ hours per day, I was primary caretaker of a newborn whenever I was home. I averaged two and a half hours of sleep per day for the first six months of life. I did not get fat; I went the other direction. As mentioned previously, the only part that I don't have direct experience with is the hormones.4 -
Not to derail the subject but isn't it odd that some women who want to decry inequality between men and women -which is real- will pull out the "woman" card as soon as it suits their purpose?
"I want to serve in the military with the same roles and responsibilities as a man. But I am a woman. So I don't want to have the same fitness standards. Even when it means I cannot carry the injured in a crisis."
Sorry. That one is a pet peeve.
Here we have:
"Women are special snowflakes when it comes to weight gain and loss -CI:CO, thermodynamics- because they can have babies. Guys just don't know how hard it is to work hard, be stressed, have responsibilities, not get enough sleep, take care of a child and still not eat more than they need to - because they cannot have babies."
Please, let us just keep the playing field level.
Yes we are different in some ways. But those differences do not change how you gain or lose weight.
No one I noticed said women aren't supposed to gain any weight when pregnant.
What has been said repeatedly is that there is no reason to be carrying something like 70 lbs of extra body fat just because you had children.5 -
Not to derail the subject but isn't it odd that some women who want to decry inequality between men and women -which is real- will pull out the "woman" card as soon as it suits their purpose?
"I want to serve in the military with the same roles and responsibilities as a man. But I am a woman. So I don't want to have the same fitness standards. Even when it means I cannot carry the injured in a crisis."
Sorry. That one is a pet peeve.
Here we have:
"Women are special snowflakes when it comes to weight gain and loss -CI:CO, thermodynamics- because they can have babies. Guys just don't know how hard it is to work hard, be stressed, have responsibilities, not get enough sleep, take care of a child and still not eat more than they need to - because they cannot have babies."
Please, let us just keep the playing field level.
Yes we are different in some ways. But those differences do not change how you gain or lose weight.
No one I noticed said women aren't supposed to gain any weight when pregnant.
What has been said repeatedly is that there is no reason to be carrying something like 70 lbs of extra body fat just because you had children.
This is ridiculous and shame on you of twisting it like this. SMH16 -
My two cents on the pregnancy weight gain issue, though I’m not interested in getting in the middle of a conversation that is clearly spiraling downward.
The toll on the body of pregnancy, childbirth, and recovery while caring for a newborn is hard and real. For me it was the most physically intense and grueling thing I’ve ever done, hands down. Having this experience minimized tends to make women defensive. In no way does this mean women are incapable of gaining only an appropriate amount of weight, or exempt from the laws of thermodynamics. However, I feel it’s appropriate for those who have never experienced it firsthand to admit they may not fully understand how it feels to face these additional challenges. On the other hand, I don’t think saying men know nothing about physical challenges or caring for children is correct or useful either.
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My two cents on the pregnancy weight gain issue, though I’m not interested in getting in the middle of a conversation that is clearly spiraling downward.
The toll on the body of pregnancy, childbirth, and recovery while caring for a newborn is hard and real. For me it was the most physically intense and grueling thing I’ve ever done, hands down. Having this experience minimized tends to make women defensive. In no way does this mean women are incapable of gaining only an appropriate amount of weight, or exempt from the laws of thermodynamics. However, I feel it’s appropriate for those who have never experienced it firsthand to admit they may not fully understand how it feels to face these additional challenges. On the other hand, I don’t think saying men know nothing about physical challenges or caring for children is correct or useful either.
No one said that.0 -
....and we're back to spears and shields again.3
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Even if no one said those words directly, the attitude toward the men in this thread was dismissive and disrespectful with regards to their presumed understanding of what it is like to have/care for a new baby.
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Even if no one said those words directly, the attitude toward the men in this thread was dismissive and disrespectful with regards to their presumed understanding of what it is like to have/care for a new baby.
Maybe because the men themselves were disrespectful and dismissive. *shrug*12 -
Oh I agree, hence my statement that if you haven't experienced it firsthand maybe you should pause and think about if you can possibly understand it fully.
I primarily gained weight early in my pregnancy, and it was due to morning sickness. As someone said a while back, morning sickness doesn't always mean vomiting. I didn't vomit. I was just constantly severely nauseous and the only thing that helped a little was a physically full stomach. I gained weight because I ate to temporarily relieve the nausea, which was in excess of my modest first trimester calorie needs. Could I have chosen not to? Sure, of course. But I guarantee you someone who hasn't experienced 4 solid months of unrelenting nausea quite gets what that choice felt like.26 -
Oh I agree, hence my statement that if you haven't experienced it firsthand maybe you should pause and think about if you can possibly understand it fully.
I primarily gained weight early in my pregnancy, and it was due to morning sickness. As someone said a while back, morning sickness doesn't always mean vomiting. I didn't vomit. I was just constantly severely nauseous and the only thing that helped a little was a physically full stomach. I gained weight because I ate to temporarily relieve the nausea, which was in excess of my modest first trimester calorie needs. Could I have chosen not to? Sure, of course. But I guarantee you someone who hasn't experienced 4 solid months of unrelenting nausea quite gets what that choice felt like.
Exactly this.0 -
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »
I didn't assume you were a man. *shrug*0 -
It was the least fun way to gain weight ever, the food actually tasted terrible!2
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My statement was directed specifically at the people who had self-identified as men in the discussion, but could be generalized to anyone who did not carry and give birth to the child. In my opinion the sex/gender of the parties involved are not the important part.7
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Everyone gets to have their opinion, but only YOU control your body.
I don't worry too much about my husband blowing up and becoming obese. It's really not his personality. He's fit and active and takes care of himself. Now, due to the "in sickness and in health" clause, I would totally understand if he became ill or disabled and fell out of shape. I get that. But even when disabled, you still have some measure of control.
But him knowingly and willingly letting himself go? After 16 years together, I doubt it would happen, but I would have concerns if it did. And I'd be lying if I said he'd be as attractive if he was obese as he is fit. I'm attracted to shared values, and health and fitness is something I value. So someone who doesn't take care of themselves doesn't share my values. (And that's OK. There are plenty of fish in the sea.) The same goes for me as far as being in shape. I plan on staying fit and in good health for my age as long as I am able to do so. It's as much (probably even more so) for me as it is for him.
I will say that if I thought I was being shamed, criticized, or harassed because my body didn't meet someone else's standards, I'd be done though. That's not OK. It's alright to show legitimate concern, but being controlling and tearing someone down is unacceptable.4 -
I'd choose a kind chubby person any day over an obnoxious, super opinionated, know it all that gave ultimatums to me.
BUT thats just me.42 -
My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years. He was over 300 lbs when I met him, I was probably 130.
I started gaining weight after we met (spoiled me with food) and was probably 150 by the time we got married 2 years later. Then gained up to 165ish after a few years of marriage. Then had a couple kids and gained and lost some...was put on a medication that helped me balloon up to 195 lbs. He has never said anything at all about my weight. Just that I'm beautiful and sexy. I really feel like he wouldn't care if I lost or gained. I am definitely thankful that he feels that way but sometimes I do wish that he would help push me more when I express interest in losing weight and being healthier.
His actual weight doesn't bother me in a physical sense but as we get older it bothers me worrying about his health. We have 3 young children now and I'm seeing his poor eating habits with new eyes. Even though I've gained so much weight, I've always been much more health conscience than him. His family members are all morbidly obese and have never even tried to change, they just accept it and accept that they are unhealthy people. Diabetes and strokes "just run in the family". I really feel like my husband would be happy living like that. We could both just happily get fatter and take tons of medications and complain about our health problems together and that would be ok and normal to him.
It scares me...but I don't want to say anything to him because I don't want to hurt his feelings and I know I'd be devastated if he said something similar to me.
Recently we had a small conversation about it because he noticed that I've been eating better and less. I told him that I was worried about *our* health and wanted to make sure that *we* lived long lives for our children. He sort of agreed to try to cut back and we made a fun little bet about who could lose and keep off the most weight...but so far I haven't noticed any effort on his part. We'll see though!
I do love him so much though. I love how much he loves me. Physical beauty fades. It makes me think of when I was in the hospital right after having our 3rd baby. I was at my absolute heaviest and had just given birth. I had a lot of muscle pain in my arms (from pushing down on the bed while in labor) and I had to ask him to help me get dressed. He was gently helping me and I caught a glance of myself in the mirror...in those special mesh underwear, the giant diaper like pad, and my still swollen sagging stomach. I was so embarrassed even after being married for 12 years (at the time). I apologize for making him see that and he laughed at me and told me I was beautiful and that I had just had his baby and had nothing to be worried about.25 -
Christine_72 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
I would never be that lazy enough to get obese but even if I was, I would expect my partner to give me a wake up call just like I would do to her. Plus it's good for your health and self esteem.1 -
There's not too many options.heiliskrimsli wrote: »
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DasItMan91 wrote: »Christine_72 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
I would never be that lazy enough to get obese but even if I was, I would expect my partner to give me a wake up call just like I would do to her. Plus it's good for your health and self esteem.
Blimey I can only imagine the type of support your giving to the friends you gathered here
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Therealobi1 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »Christine_72 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
I would never be that lazy enough to get obese but even if I was, I would expect my partner to give me a wake up call just like I would do to her. Plus it's good for your health and self esteem.
Blimey I can only imagine the type of support your giving to the friends you gathered here
Probably the useful kind. I'll take someone leading by example over a million "it's okay that you're a repeat failure, just...erm...keep up the...ehhh, good work" any day. Consolation only gets one but so far. Leaders are generally more helpful than coddlers.
I accomplish this by being completely open with my own failures on my feed. Granted, I have no food issues anymore, but I still fall short of goals in training, have days where I had to bail on my session early because of work, etc. I let these things be known, because it helps people to realize that *kitten* happens, even to those who have been somewhat successful with changing themselves. People usually don't need "poor you". I prefer to provide constant "keep nutting the *kitten* up, and don't let a single bad thing derail you" examples, without having to be direct or consolatory about it.9 -
Gallowmere1984 wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »Christine_72 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
I would never be that lazy enough to get obese but even if I was, I would expect my partner to give me a wake up call just like I would do to her. Plus it's good for your health and self esteem.
Blimey I can only imagine the type of support your giving to the friends you gathered here
Probably the useful kind. I'll take someone leading by example over a million "it's okay that you're a repeat failure, just...erm...keep up the...ehhh, good work" any day. Consolation only gets one but so far. Leaders are generally more helpful than coddlers.
I accomplish this by being completely open with my own failures on my feed. Granted, I have no food issues anymore, but I still fall short of goals in training, have days where I had to bail on my session early because of work, etc. I let these things be known, because it helps people to realize that *kitten* happens, even to those who have been somewhat successful with changing themselves. People usually don't need "poor you". I prefer to provide constant "keep nutting the *kitten* up, and don't let a single bad thing derail you" examples, without having to be direct or consolatory about it.
You have two options when you fall down:
You can lay there.
You can get back up.
Nobody ever crossed a finish line by laying down in the middle of the race. I prefer to be around people who tell me to sack up and get my *kitten* off the ground rather than those who bring the tissues to the pity party, and I'm not going to coddle anyone else, either.9
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