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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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There is a difference in demanding that a person lose weight and in in giving an opinion. Telling the other person that you feel they should make this kind of change because you are concerned for their health or because they are not as attractive to you as they used to be does not necessarily equate to not loving them anymore. However telling someone to lose or gain weight or the relationship will end is out of line. So is withholding love and/or affection, cheating, berating and harshly criticizing or other mental/emotional abuse due to the person's physical appearance. If someone has taken it upon themselves to use the other person's physical appearance as their reason for their poor behavior then there is a problem aside from physical appearance that needs to unearthed.
Ending a relationship, or discussing it a possibility is not the same as berating, abusing or cheating.
It would be awful to use a person's weight, or health, or new hobby or whatever else as an excuse to cheat or call names or physically abuse.
But leaving a partner is always an option, and there are several reasons to do so. Having a talk about it, or several discussions about which things in a relationship are not working and how these should change, it sounds like the mature thing to do. Why would one just have to suffer in silence? Telling a partner that you have a serious problem with them becoming chain smokers, or going through a midlife crisis and staying out late every night, or developing poor hygiene habits, or constantly gaining weight, or losing their sex drive, or whatever else, so this person can decide if he/she wants to work on the relationship and make an effort or not, it is better than suffering in silence until it all gets too much.1 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »All love is conditional. The only difference is what conditions are placed upon it by the person whose love it is.
To a small degree, I agree with you.
If, for example, the man that I married turned into a physically/verbally abusive alcoholic or drug addict who resisted any and all attempts at rehab, for my own safety and that of my family, that would definitely be a dealbreaker.
But something like, for example, dumping your partner because he lost his job and wasn't able to financially provide the way he could previously, or because he's losing his hair, or has put on a few pounds seems rather tragically superficial to me.
Unconditional love within the parameters of a healthy loving relationship *does* exist, and it it something that everyone should experience at least once in their life.
(Edited to fix quotes. Arrgghh.)
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »I've known my husband for almost 30 years. Over that time we've each been up and down the scale.
Navigating a successful long-term relationship requires a lot of skill and determination and focus on a big picture.
Some things are deal breakers to some people, they aren't to others, apparently.
In our relationship, we've dealt with financial bad times, the death of parents, the development of a major chronic illness and ensuing major depressive episode in its aftermath, a child with behavioral problems, and a child on the autism spectrum.
A successful relationship, we've come to find, has meant supporting each other through these things and communicating well to see ourselves through the bad times.
Neither of us have cared much what the other has looked like weight-wise, and I know, from past experience with a mother who fat-shamed me that people can't make other people change.
People can have their preferences, of course. My husband would have preferred that I had not had a personality shift when I developed a brain tumor, for example. It took a while for us to adjust. I would have preferred that my husband had not become moody when he had a terrible boss for a while at work. It took a while for us to adjust. My husband would have preferred that I not had a bout of major depression. It took us a while to adjust.
The thing is, we love each other and are committed to our marriage. Other people may view relationships and what their priorities are differently.
I can't wrap my head around love that's so conditional that something external could end it and sex that frankly, as the years pass, becomes less and less an important factor in a relationship.
You may not find sex to be a required part of a relationship. Other people do, and that doesn't make them wrong and you right.
I happen to be someone who requires sex (and frequently) as part of a relationship. If that need is not met, that relationship will not work. I'm not looking for a roommate.
You also may be someone who doesn't care what your partner weighs. I am. I'm not attracted to people who fall outside the normal weight range in general. That doesn't make me wrong or a bad person or less mature than you, either. I don't expect that my preferences would make someone else change - but they need to understand as well that I am not obligated to change what I'm attracted to to suit them and it doesn't make me a jerk that the body type I'm attracted to isn't the one they have. It would be the same if they weren't the gender that I'm attracted to.
You also seem to be assuming that this is age related and that those of us who eschew the idea of sexless relationships are simply young and will learn as we get older. That is most definitely not the case for me.
You are entitled to your preferences.
Then why are you making personal judgments about what kind of person I am?
Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?I do however, believe you've never been in a long-term relationship.Wrong.
Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.Circumstances change over the course of passing time. You would have learned that if you'd ever had the experience of having navigated a very long relationship spanning decades.This is needlessly judgmental.
High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.You don't speak like someone who has ever shared anything but conditional love. Relationships based on that don't last.All love is conditional. The only difference is what conditions are placed upon it by the person whose love it is.
Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
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GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »I've known my husband for almost 30 years. Over that time we've each been up and down the scale.
Navigating a successful long-term relationship requires a lot of skill and determination and focus on a big picture.
Some things are deal breakers to some people, they aren't to others, apparently.
In our relationship, we've dealt with financial bad times, the death of parents, the development of a major chronic illness and ensuing major depressive episode in its aftermath, a child with behavioral problems, and a child on the autism spectrum.
A successful relationship, we've come to find, has meant supporting each other through these things and communicating well to see ourselves through the bad times.
Neither of us have cared much what the other has looked like weight-wise, and I know, from past experience with a mother who fat-shamed me that people can't make other people change.
People can have their preferences, of course. My husband would have preferred that I had not had a personality shift when I developed a brain tumor, for example. It took a while for us to adjust. I would have preferred that my husband had not become moody when he had a terrible boss for a while at work. It took a while for us to adjust. My husband would have preferred that I not had a bout of major depression. It took us a while to adjust.
The thing is, we love each other and are committed to our marriage. Other people may view relationships and what their priorities are differently.
I can't wrap my head around love that's so conditional that something external could end it and sex that frankly, as the years pass, becomes less and less an important factor in a relationship.
You may not find sex to be a required part of a relationship. Other people do, and that doesn't make them wrong and you right.
I happen to be someone who requires sex (and frequently) as part of a relationship. If that need is not met, that relationship will not work. I'm not looking for a roommate.
You also may be someone who doesn't care what your partner weighs. I am. I'm not attracted to people who fall outside the normal weight range in general. That doesn't make me wrong or a bad person or less mature than you, either. I don't expect that my preferences would make someone else change - but they need to understand as well that I am not obligated to change what I'm attracted to to suit them and it doesn't make me a jerk that the body type I'm attracted to isn't the one they have. It would be the same if they weren't the gender that I'm attracted to.
You also seem to be assuming that this is age related and that those of us who eschew the idea of sexless relationships are simply young and will learn as we get older. That is most definitely not the case for me.
You are entitled to your preferences.
Then why are you making personal judgments about what kind of person I am?
Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?I do however, believe you've never been in a long-term relationship.Wrong.
Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.Circumstances change over the course of passing time. You would have learned that if you'd ever had the experience of having navigated a very long relationship spanning decades.This is needlessly judgmental.
High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.You don't speak like someone who has ever shared anything but conditional love. Relationships based on that don't last.All love is conditional. The only difference is what conditions are placed upon it by the person whose love it is.
Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
now you are clutching at straws and needlessly getting personal.
There is no need for this behavior and even though I don't agree with his stance either, he is entitled to his own views and nobody has the right to belittle or play holier than thou. I see him doing no harm to anyone.
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GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
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snickerscharlie wrote: »But something like, for example, dumping your partner because he lost his job and wasn't able to financially provide the way he could previously, or because he's losing his hair, or has put on a few pounds seems rather tragically superficial to me.
It really depends on what the response to losing the job is.
No effort to get another one will end the relationship. Balding is also not the same as getting fat - one of those is involuntary and the other is a result of choices.1 -
There is a difference in demanding that a person lose weight and in in giving an opinion. Telling the other person that you feel they should make this kind of change because you are concerned for their health or because they are not as attractive to you as they used to be does not necessarily equate to not loving them anymore. However telling someone to lose or gain weight or the relationship will end is out of line. So is withholding love and/or affection, cheating, berating and harshly criticizing or other mental/emotional abuse due to the person's physical appearance. If someone has taken it upon themselves to use the other person's physical appearance as their reason for their poor behavior then there is a problem aside from physical appearance that needs to unearthed.
Ending a relationship, or discussing it a possibility is not the same as berating, abusing or cheating.
It would be awful to use a person's weight, or health, or new hobby or whatever else as an excuse to cheat or call names or physically abuse.
But leaving a partner is always an option, and there are several reasons to do so. Having a talk about it, or several discussions about which things in a relationship are not working and how these should change, it sounds like the mature thing to do. Why would one just have to suffer in silence? Telling a partner that you have a serious problem with them becoming chain smokers, or going through a midlife crisis and staying out late every night, or developing poor hygiene habits, or constantly gaining weight, or losing their sex drive, or whatever else, so this person can decide if he/she wants to work on the relationship and make an effort or not, it is better than suffering in silence until it all gets too much.
Didn't say it was the same. I used the two as separate items.0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.
I agree. If I am truly in love with the person, I would exhaust all possibilities first.
But I do admire people that know what they like and want and do not want to settle. But at the same token I would want to feel secure in my relationship and not that any moment due to weight gain. I think it is very important to discuss this type of stuff when you are dating and before it move to the serious mark - because clearly people have different perspectives (and they are entitled to)... But before now, I never thought about it as a must have conversation.
There's another way to not get left for becoming fat and unattractive to a partner.
By not getting fat. I wouldn't worry about it myself because I'm not worried about gaining weight, it's something I know I can control, and I do control it.
This is something that YOU can control. You are still dismissing the issue that food addiction is real and most obese or 'fat' people struggle with and is difficult for them to manage or control. Addiction is real.
Calling overeating an "addiction" sounds offensive to real addicts, no matter how many times I read it. And I cannot see how it improves the situation. If one were to post "My husband has been drinking more and more, is now drinking all day long and refuses to het help" no one would post "oh, you must accept him as he is, do not say anything or you might hurt his feelings, and stay in this marriage for the kids sake"! If we are going to accept food is an addiction, then a spouse should give an ultimatum for professional help and run if the "addict" does not want to change things. Who would advise anyone to tolerate an addict who does not want help???
I NEVER once told anyone to tolerate it. But for people to keep slinging the word around that they can control it or they brought it on themselves as a blanket statement is dismissing the fact that some people are addicted or have another underlying issue. If this is the case a "real addict" whatever that is - has created that problem for themselves as well if we are going there or using that logic
No one forces an alcoholic to drink or to use drugs - its a choice that becomes uncontrollable or out of hand. 2 -
SpotLighttt wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »I've known my husband for almost 30 years. Over that time we've each been up and down the scale.
Navigating a successful long-term relationship requires a lot of skill and determination and focus on a big picture.
Some things are deal breakers to some people, they aren't to others, apparently.
In our relationship, we've dealt with financial bad times, the death of parents, the development of a major chronic illness and ensuing major depressive episode in its aftermath, a child with behavioral problems, and a child on the autism spectrum.
A successful relationship, we've come to find, has meant supporting each other through these things and communicating well to see ourselves through the bad times.
Neither of us have cared much what the other has looked like weight-wise, and I know, from past experience with a mother who fat-shamed me that people can't make other people change.
People can have their preferences, of course. My husband would have preferred that I had not had a personality shift when I developed a brain tumor, for example. It took a while for us to adjust. I would have preferred that my husband had not become moody when he had a terrible boss for a while at work. It took a while for us to adjust. My husband would have preferred that I not had a bout of major depression. It took us a while to adjust.
The thing is, we love each other and are committed to our marriage. Other people may view relationships and what their priorities are differently.
I can't wrap my head around love that's so conditional that something external could end it and sex that frankly, as the years pass, becomes less and less an important factor in a relationship.
You may not find sex to be a required part of a relationship. Other people do, and that doesn't make them wrong and you right.
I happen to be someone who requires sex (and frequently) as part of a relationship. If that need is not met, that relationship will not work. I'm not looking for a roommate.
You also may be someone who doesn't care what your partner weighs. I am. I'm not attracted to people who fall outside the normal weight range in general. That doesn't make me wrong or a bad person or less mature than you, either. I don't expect that my preferences would make someone else change - but they need to understand as well that I am not obligated to change what I'm attracted to to suit them and it doesn't make me a jerk that the body type I'm attracted to isn't the one they have. It would be the same if they weren't the gender that I'm attracted to.
You also seem to be assuming that this is age related and that those of us who eschew the idea of sexless relationships are simply young and will learn as we get older. That is most definitely not the case for me.
You are entitled to your preferences.
Then why are you making personal judgments about what kind of person I am?
Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?I do however, believe you've never been in a long-term relationship.Wrong.
Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.Circumstances change over the course of passing time. You would have learned that if you'd ever had the experience of having navigated a very long relationship spanning decades.This is needlessly judgmental.
High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.You don't speak like someone who has ever shared anything but conditional love. Relationships based on that don't last.All love is conditional. The only difference is what conditions are placed upon it by the person whose love it is.
Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
now you are clutching at straws and needlessly getting personal.
There is no need for this behavior and even though I don't agree with his stance either, he is entitled to his own views and nobody has the right to belittle or play holier than thou. I see him doing no harm to anyone.
Since the question of this thread is regarding relationships, yes, I'm getting personal because I believe she (the other poster is not a man) is sharing her opinions on the topic as someone from within the framework of a relationship, but rather from within the framework of her feelings on her own weight.
She is entitled to her own opinions on her weight, and I am entitled to my opinions on how she views relationships.6 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.10 -
SpotLighttt wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »I've known my husband for almost 30 years. Over that time we've each been up and down the scale.
Navigating a successful long-term relationship requires a lot of skill and determination and focus on a big picture.
Some things are deal breakers to some people, they aren't to others, apparently.
In our relationship, we've dealt with financial bad times, the death of parents, the development of a major chronic illness and ensuing major depressive episode in its aftermath, a child with behavioral problems, and a child on the autism spectrum.
A successful relationship, we've come to find, has meant supporting each other through these things and communicating well to see ourselves through the bad times.
Neither of us have cared much what the other has looked like weight-wise, and I know, from past experience with a mother who fat-shamed me that people can't make other people change.
People can have their preferences, of course. My husband would have preferred that I had not had a personality shift when I developed a brain tumor, for example. It took a while for us to adjust. I would have preferred that my husband had not become moody when he had a terrible boss for a while at work. It took a while for us to adjust. My husband would have preferred that I not had a bout of major depression. It took us a while to adjust.
The thing is, we love each other and are committed to our marriage. Other people may view relationships and what their priorities are differently.
I can't wrap my head around love that's so conditional that something external could end it and sex that frankly, as the years pass, becomes less and less an important factor in a relationship.
You may not find sex to be a required part of a relationship. Other people do, and that doesn't make them wrong and you right.
I happen to be someone who requires sex (and frequently) as part of a relationship. If that need is not met, that relationship will not work. I'm not looking for a roommate.
You also may be someone who doesn't care what your partner weighs. I am. I'm not attracted to people who fall outside the normal weight range in general. That doesn't make me wrong or a bad person or less mature than you, either. I don't expect that my preferences would make someone else change - but they need to understand as well that I am not obligated to change what I'm attracted to to suit them and it doesn't make me a jerk that the body type I'm attracted to isn't the one they have. It would be the same if they weren't the gender that I'm attracted to.
You also seem to be assuming that this is age related and that those of us who eschew the idea of sexless relationships are simply young and will learn as we get older. That is most definitely not the case for me.
You are entitled to your preferences.
Then why are you making personal judgments about what kind of person I am?
Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?I do however, believe you've never been in a long-term relationship.Wrong.
Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.Circumstances change over the course of passing time. You would have learned that if you'd ever had the experience of having navigated a very long relationship spanning decades.This is needlessly judgmental.
High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.You don't speak like someone who has ever shared anything but conditional love. Relationships based on that don't last.All love is conditional. The only difference is what conditions are placed upon it by the person whose love it is.
Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
now you are clutching at straws and needlessly getting personal.
There is no need for this behavior and even though I don't agree with his stance either, he is entitled to his own views and nobody has the right to belittle or play holier than thou. I see him doing no harm to anyone.
And I don't think that he is a he. I didn't take it as she was playing holier than thou at all.0 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »But something like, for example, dumping your partner because he lost his job and wasn't able to financially provide the way he could previously, or because he's losing his hair, or has put on a few pounds seems rather tragically superficial to me.
It really depends on what the response to losing the job is.
No effort to get another one will end the relationship. Balding is also not the same as getting fat - one of those is involuntary and the other is a result of choices.
Okay, what if your partner lost his job due to health issues, couldn't work, gained weight, got depressed and had no interest in sex? Kick him to the curb because that's not what you signed up for?0 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »But something like, for example, dumping your partner because he lost his job and wasn't able to financially provide the way he could previously, or because he's losing his hair, or has put on a few pounds seems rather tragically superficial to me.
It really depends on what the response to losing the job is.
No effort to get another one will end the relationship. Balding is also not the same as getting fat - one of those is involuntary and the other is a result of choices.
Not the same, exactly, but "choice" is perhaps a continuum. You certainly have a "choice" to use whatever hair growth chemicals there are, wear a rug, get plugs. How extreme does one's behavior have to be to become a "choice"?
Because physical fitness, right now, at the (almost) age of 40 is a relatively easy choice for me to make. I get it. Physical fitness at the age of 60 might not be. At the age of 80? Will you still leave your partner at the age of 80 following a 30-pound weight gain? "Sorry, honey, but you made your choice."
In a lifelong relationship, I have to assume that the importance and definition of physical attractiveness is evolving. That doesn't mean that anyone is having a sexless relationship - it means that none of us will look or feel the same way for our entire lives, and when we partner with someone, that's what we signed up for. You don't KNOW what your partner will look like in 20 years, nor do you KNOW what will be sexually attractive to you at that time. You grow together and you figure it out the best you can. Drawing arbitrary lines in the sand is a recipe for a terrible marriage, weight gain, job loss, balding, or any other factor notwithstanding.
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
I believe that the condition a person is in on the day they entered into a relationship is the baseline for expectations. Any significant deviation from that is a fair subject for discussion. It isn't functional to just pretend that significant weight gain/loss or any other potentially unhealthy developments are not happening, that is dishonesty.1 -
Looking back over this thread, 2 things:
1) Pregnancy: You're not eating for 2; you're eating for 1.1
2) Should your SO have a say in your weight? No, because you should care about them and yourself enough to remain as attractive to them as possible. But if you don't, they should speak up. When I bulked up to 195 last year, I appreciated my gf letting me know that it was getting to be too much. She was right. I'm back to a svelte 180 now.4 -
GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.5 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »But something like, for example, dumping your partner because he lost his job and wasn't able to financially provide the way he could previously, or because he's losing his hair, or has put on a few pounds seems rather tragically superficial to me.
It really depends on what the response to losing the job is.
No effort to get another one will end the relationship. Balding is also not the same as getting fat - one of those is involuntary and the other is a result of choices.
Okay, what if your partner lost his job due to health issues, couldn't work, gained weight, got depressed and had no interest in sex? Kick him to the curb because that's not what you signed up for?
Depression is not something you can easily live with, especially if the patient has no desire to get help and is not cooperating. Not referring to feeling down, or being depressed for a few months and then going to the dr. If you are talking about chronic clinical depression, and a patient who is not open to getting help, then personally I would not blame anyone for leaving this relationship, no matter how long and serious it was, and lack of sex drive would not be the main problem.2 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »All love is conditional. The only difference is what conditions are placed upon it by the person whose love it is.
To a small degree, I agree with you.
If, for example, the man that I married turned into a physically/verbally abusive alcoholic or drug addict who resisted any and all attempts at rehab, for my own safety and that of my family, that would definitely be a dealbreaker.
But something like, for example, dumping your partner because he lost his job and wasn't able to financially provide the way he could previously, or because he's losing his hair, or has put on a few pounds seems rather tragically superficial to me.
Unconditional love within the parameters of a healthy loving relationship *does* exist, and it it something that everyone should experience at least once in their life.
(Edited to fix quotes. Arrgghh.)
I think that the OP is referencing negative changes that do not have an unforeseen/uncontrollable reason for occurring. In reality, a lot of people in relationships just get very comfortable and don't feel the pressure to maintain their appearance / fitness. "I landed my mate, who do I have to impress anymore?" To me, that is not acceptable. Of course, the physical impact of aging, having babies, and unforeseen medical circumstances can negatively affect our health and appearance, but I assume that these types of situations are not what the OP had in mind.4 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.
I agree. If I am truly in love with the person, I would exhaust all possibilities first.
But I do admire people that know what they like and want and do not want to settle. But at the same token I would want to feel secure in my relationship and not that any moment due to weight gain. I think it is very important to discuss this type of stuff when you are dating and before it move to the serious mark - because clearly people have different perspectives (and they are entitled to)... But before now, I never thought about it as a must have conversation.
There's another way to not get left for becoming fat and unattractive to a partner.
By not getting fat. I wouldn't worry about it myself because I'm not worried about gaining weight, it's something I know I can control, and I do control it.
This is something that YOU can control. You are still dismissing the issue that food addiction is real and most obese or 'fat' people struggle with and is difficult for them to manage or control. Addiction is real.
Calling overeating an "addiction" sounds offensive to real addicts, no matter how many times I read it. And I cannot see how it improves the situation. If one were to post "My husband has been drinking more and more, is now drinking all day long and refuses to het help" no one would post "oh, you must accept him as he is, do not say anything or you might hurt his feelings, and stay in this marriage for the kids sake"! If we are going to accept food is an addiction, then a spouse should give an ultimatum for professional help and run if the "addict" does not want to change things. Who would advise anyone to tolerate an addict who does not want help???
I NEVER once told anyone to tolerate it. But for people to keep slinging the word around that they can control it or they brought it on themselves as a blanket statement is dismissing the fact that some people are addicted or have another underlying issue. If this is the case a "real addict" whatever that is - has created that problem for themselves as well if we are going there or using that logic No one forces an alcoholic to drink or to use drugs - its a choice that becomes uncontrollable or out of hand.
Where the line is drawn on "out of hand" with drinking will be different for many people, just as the weight gain aspect is. I have a family member who stayed with an abusive drunk for years, until he finally put her in the hospital one night. I've known others who wouldn't even tolerate yelling from an angry drunk.
As such, I see no real difference in that and people having divergent lines in the sand for what constitutes "too fat". Opinions, tastes and tolerances are all incredibly variable among people.7 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.18 -
leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
Finally... Sigh.1 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »But something like, for example, dumping your partner because he lost his job and wasn't able to financially provide the way he could previously, or because he's losing his hair, or has put on a few pounds seems rather tragically superficial to me.
It really depends on what the response to losing the job is.
No effort to get another one will end the relationship. Balding is also not the same as getting fat - one of those is involuntary and the other is a result of choices.
Not the same, exactly, but "choice" is perhaps a continuum. You certainly have a "choice" to use whatever hair growth chemicals there are, wear a rug, get plugs. How extreme does one's behavior have to be to become a "choice"?
Because physical fitness, right now, at the (almost) age of 40 is a relatively easy choice for me to make. I get it. Physical fitness at the age of 60 might not be. At the age of 80? Will you still leave your partner at the age of 80 following a 30-pound weight gain? "Sorry, honey, but you made your choice."
In a lifelong relationship, I have to assume that the importance and definition of physical attractiveness is evolving. That doesn't mean that anyone is having a sexless relationship - it means that none of us will look or feel the same way for our entire lives, and when we partner with someone, that's what we signed up for. You don't KNOW what your partner will look like in 20 years, nor do you KNOW what will be sexually attractive to you at that time. You grow together and you figure it out the best you can. Drawing arbitrary lines in the sand is a recipe for a terrible marriage, weight gain, job loss, balding, or any other factor notwithstanding.
This is exactly what I've been trying to say.0 -
GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »But something like, for example, dumping your partner because he lost his job and wasn't able to financially provide the way he could previously, or because he's losing his hair, or has put on a few pounds seems rather tragically superficial to me.
It really depends on what the response to losing the job is.
No effort to get another one will end the relationship. Balding is also not the same as getting fat - one of those is involuntary and the other is a result of choices.
Not the same, exactly, but "choice" is perhaps a continuum. You certainly have a "choice" to use whatever hair growth chemicals there are, wear a rug, get plugs. How extreme does one's behavior have to be to become a "choice"?
Because physical fitness, right now, at the (almost) age of 40 is a relatively easy choice for me to make. I get it. Physical fitness at the age of 60 might not be. At the age of 80? Will you still leave your partner at the age of 80 following a 30-pound weight gain? "Sorry, honey, but you made your choice."
In a lifelong relationship, I have to assume that the importance and definition of physical attractiveness is evolving. That doesn't mean that anyone is having a sexless relationship - it means that none of us will look or feel the same way for our entire lives, and when we partner with someone, that's what we signed up for. You don't KNOW what your partner will look like in 20 years, nor do you KNOW what will be sexually attractive to you at that time. You grow together and you figure it out the best you can. Drawing arbitrary lines in the sand is a recipe for a terrible marriage, weight gain, job loss, balding, or any other factor notwithstanding.
This is exactly what I've been trying to say.
Nobody except Helen Mirren looks schmexy at 70. Gravity is a *kitten*.
ETA, apologies if anyone here is 70 :laugh: I'm sure you're still rockin' it!7 -
leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
I have had more than one relationship in my lifetime. Not all of them ended for reasons even remotely due to weight.0 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
I have had more than one relationship in my lifetime. Not all of them ended for reasons even remotely due to weight.
did any of the end when you gained weight?1 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
I have had more than one relationship in my lifetime. Not all of them ended for reasons even remotely due to weight.
Understood.
But you've made it clear that if your parter gained weight you would unequivocally end it if they didn't do something about it after your warnings and it appears in your posts that you would do so even if they were a great person. Am I reading those posts wrong?4 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
I'm passing judgments on your statements. I haven't said anything about you. You're inferring things I haven't said.
I shared what long-term relationships in the face of aging and hardship looked like and said that the statements you've made don't fall in line with someone who has ever lived that experience or who plans to live that experience.
That is your call to make for your life.
Time can take away your ability to keep the emphasis on things like sex, fitness, and weight. This is what I've been trying to say. If you had lived longer and had experienced a very long term relationship, you might already know something like this.
Since your posts don't demonstrate this knowledge, it's clear you haven't lived it.
Moving back to the original thought of the thread, it's my opinion that healthy long lasting relationships are built on mutual determination to make them work and the understanding that things change over time. Some things are fleeting, some things are fundamental. If both partners agree to which is which, then all is good.
In my experience, things like appearance and mobility are too fleeting to be concerned with. Other's mileage may vary. I will reserve any opinions about what kind of person this makes anyone, their lives are theirs to live.12 -
leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.0 -
Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
I have had more than one relationship in my lifetime. Not all of them ended for reasons even remotely due to weight.
did any of the end when you gained weight?
Yes.1 -
GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »But something like, for example, dumping your partner because he lost his job and wasn't able to financially provide the way he could previously, or because he's losing his hair, or has put on a few pounds seems rather tragically superficial to me.
It really depends on what the response to losing the job is.
No effort to get another one will end the relationship. Balding is also not the same as getting fat - one of those is involuntary and the other is a result of choices.
Not the same, exactly, but "choice" is perhaps a continuum. You certainly have a "choice" to use whatever hair growth chemicals there are, wear a rug, get plugs. How extreme does one's behavior have to be to become a "choice"?
Because physical fitness, right now, at the (almost) age of 40 is a relatively easy choice for me to make. I get it. Physical fitness at the age of 60 might not be. At the age of 80? Will you still leave your partner at the age of 80 following a 30-pound weight gain? "Sorry, honey, but you made your choice."
In a lifelong relationship, I have to assume that the importance and definition of physical attractiveness is evolving. That doesn't mean that anyone is having a sexless relationship - it means that none of us will look or feel the same way for our entire lives, and when we partner with someone, that's what we signed up for. You don't KNOW what your partner will look like in 20 years, nor do you KNOW what will be sexually attractive to you at that time. You grow together and you figure it out the best you can. Drawing arbitrary lines in the sand is a recipe for a terrible marriage, weight gain, job loss, balding, or any other factor notwithstanding.
This is exactly what I've been trying to say.
Nobody except Helen Mirren looks schmexy at 70. Gravity is a *kitten*.
ETA, apologies if anyone here is 70 :laugh: I'm sure you're still rockin' it!
Ohh Dame Mirren...
Lauren Bacall looked phenomenal at any age.4
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