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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.7 -
GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »But something like, for example, dumping your partner because he lost his job and wasn't able to financially provide the way he could previously, or because he's losing his hair, or has put on a few pounds seems rather tragically superficial to me.
It really depends on what the response to losing the job is.
No effort to get another one will end the relationship. Balding is also not the same as getting fat - one of those is involuntary and the other is a result of choices.
Not the same, exactly, but "choice" is perhaps a continuum. You certainly have a "choice" to use whatever hair growth chemicals there are, wear a rug, get plugs. How extreme does one's behavior have to be to become a "choice"?
Because physical fitness, right now, at the (almost) age of 40 is a relatively easy choice for me to make. I get it. Physical fitness at the age of 60 might not be. At the age of 80? Will you still leave your partner at the age of 80 following a 30-pound weight gain? "Sorry, honey, but you made your choice."
In a lifelong relationship, I have to assume that the importance and definition of physical attractiveness is evolving. That doesn't mean that anyone is having a sexless relationship - it means that none of us will look or feel the same way for our entire lives, and when we partner with someone, that's what we signed up for. You don't KNOW what your partner will look like in 20 years, nor do you KNOW what will be sexually attractive to you at that time. You grow together and you figure it out the best you can. Drawing arbitrary lines in the sand is a recipe for a terrible marriage, weight gain, job loss, balding, or any other factor notwithstanding.
This is exactly what I've been trying to say.
Nobody except Helen Mirren looks schmexy at 70. Gravity is a *kitten*.
ETA, apologies if anyone here is 70 :laugh: I'm sure you're still rockin' it!
Ohh Dame Mirren...
Lauren Bacall looked phenomenal at any age.
Audrey Hepburn was absolutely stunning at 60ish. Maybe not meeting most definitions of "sexy," but she's my idol in aging.1 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.
I think some of us are judging you as a person based on the words you've written in this thread. Sorry.13 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.
I think some of us are judging you as a person based on the words you've written in this thread. Sorry.
i would agree with this.
it would seem that larger people are unattractive and obviously incapable of sexual activities.3 -
Therealobi1 wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.
I think some of us are judging you as a person based on the words you've written in this thread. Sorry.
i would agree with this.
it would seem that larger people are unattractive and obviously incapable of sexual activities.
Does having certain things you find physically unattractive make you a bad person?4 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.
I just read Gottaburns comment as HER relationship wouldn't have lasted 30 years if she took the same stance as you have. Honestly I can't imagine any relationship lasting very long based on looks alone. There is always someone out there thinner, prettier, more handsome, fitter...
Wouldn't you agree?11 -
leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.
I just read Gottaburns comment as HER relationship wouldn't have lasted 30 years if she took the same stance as you have. Honestly I can't imagine any relationship lasting very long based on looks alone. There is always someone out there thinner, prettier, more handsome, fitter...
Wouldn't you agree?
Who said my relationships are based on looks alone?
I said that sexual attraction is a necessary component for me. Not that it is the only component.5 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.
I think some of us are judging you as a person based on the words you've written in this thread. Sorry.
i would agree with this.
it would seem that larger people are unattractive and obviously incapable of sexual activities.
Does having certain things you find physically unattractive make you a bad person?
I think the statement that you would leave a partner that didn't maintain your standards of physical attractiveness, regardless of any other qualities or circumstances, makes you a bad partner.2 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.
I think some of us are judging you as a person based on the words you've written in this thread. Sorry.
i would agree with this.
it would seem that larger people are unattractive and obviously incapable of sexual activities.
Does having certain things you find physically unattractive make you a bad person?
Am not calling you a bad person at all
i personally cant go around saying all fat people are unattractive its just wrong and i dont believe it. Its almost like you have branded fat people as useless and unworthy of anything.
you can certainly have your opinion but just read back to some of what you have written its not cool at all
3 -
Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?2 -
[/quote]
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.[/quote]In my mind, based off of some things that you have typed, I didn't peg you as a sensitive person.
I have a very close friend and her beliefs line up with yours in this area. She feels why should she settle for a big/fat guy when it is plenty of men out there in shape and that is fit and we debate this all of the time. And I think weight is important to most people but not the MOST IMPORTANT in the relationship, whereas for you, it is pretty important to you.
Do you think your perception of yourself when you were big plays a factor into this? I believe you said that believed you were unattractive when you were big, could this play a part in your strong views?
0 -
Therealobi1 wrote: »Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?
You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?
Really?JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.
I think some of us are judging you as a person based on the words you've written in this thread. Sorry.
i would agree with this.
it would seem that larger people are unattractive and obviously incapable of sexual activities.
Does having certain things you find physically unattractive make you a bad person?
I think the statement that you would leave a partner that didn't maintain your standards of physical attractiveness, regardless of any other qualities or circumstances, makes you a bad partner.
A bad partner for someone who doesn't have the same deal breaker, maybe, but a bad person in general, no.3 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.
I just read Gottaburns comment as HER relationship wouldn't have lasted 30 years if she took the same stance as you have. Honestly I can't imagine any relationship lasting very long based on looks alone. There is always someone out there thinner, prettier, more handsome, fitter...
Wouldn't you agree?
Who said my relationships are based on looks alone?
I said that sexual attraction is a necessary component for me. Not that it is the only component.
So when you say you would leave based on weight gain you also mean there are other reasons outside of their looks alone that you found unattractive?
When you say weight gain is a deal breaker that implies looks alone to me. Maybe I'm wrong?2 -
I'm on the fence about this. On one hand, I would like to know if my husband liked my body a certain way or a certain size. On the other hand, the idea of being locked into maintaining his idea of perfection is a lot of pressure that I don't want.
I personally would love to tell my husband that he should gym-out and get into lifting. On the other hand, I don't want him to pressure me to workout (I do it on my own!), so I leave it alone. I love him for him -- he's enough for me to not ask for the physical bonus.
Maybe it should only be an issue if someone is morbidly obese or headed down a path that will definitely lead to obesity. Like if they are seriously bingeing every single day - it's a problem that should be brought up. The same for a dramatic weight loss. It then becomes a deeper mental and general wellness issue.
I also don't think you should bring it up unless you are prepared to make changes with your partner. Don't tell your spouse to back away from the table and then stuff your face. Don't tell him/her to workout then crash on the couch as soon as you get home. Make it a "we're in this together" type of thing.7 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »But something like, for example, dumping your partner because he lost his job and wasn't able to financially provide the way he could previously, or because he's losing his hair, or has put on a few pounds seems rather tragically superficial to me.
It really depends on what the response to losing the job is.
No effort to get another one will end the relationship. Balding is also not the same as getting fat - one of those is involuntary and the other is a result of choices.
Not the same, exactly, but "choice" is perhaps a continuum. You certainly have a "choice" to use whatever hair growth chemicals there are, wear a rug, get plugs. How extreme does one's behavior have to be to become a "choice"?
Because physical fitness, right now, at the (almost) age of 40 is a relatively easy choice for me to make. I get it. Physical fitness at the age of 60 might not be. At the age of 80? Will you still leave your partner at the age of 80 following a 30-pound weight gain? "Sorry, honey, but you made your choice."
In a lifelong relationship, I have to assume that the importance and definition of physical attractiveness is evolving. That doesn't mean that anyone is having a sexless relationship - it means that none of us will look or feel the same way for our entire lives, and when we partner with someone, that's what we signed up for. You don't KNOW what your partner will look like in 20 years, nor do you KNOW what will be sexually attractive to you at that time. You grow together and you figure it out the best you can. Drawing arbitrary lines in the sand is a recipe for a terrible marriage, weight gain, job loss, balding, or any other factor notwithstanding.
This is exactly what I've been trying to say.
Nobody except Helen Mirren looks schmexy at 70. Gravity is a *kitten*.
ETA, apologies if anyone here is 70 :laugh: I'm sure you're still rockin' it!
Ohh Dame Mirren...
Lauren Bacall looked phenomenal at any age.
Audrey Hepburn was absolutely stunning at 60ish. Maybe not meeting most definitions of "sexy," but she's my idol in aging.
I have the same opinion of the men of that generation. Growing old with grace and dignity. Every scar, every wrinkle is a badge of honor.6 -
leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.
I just read Gottaburns comment as HER relationship wouldn't have lasted 30 years if she took the same stance as you have. Honestly I can't imagine any relationship lasting very long based on looks alone. There is always someone out there thinner, prettier, more handsome, fitter...
Wouldn't you agree?
Who said my relationships are based on looks alone?
I said that sexual attraction is a necessary component for me. Not that it is the only component.
So when you say you would leave based on weight gain you also mean there are other reasons outside of their looks alone that you found unattractive?
When you say weight gain is a deal breaker that implies looks alone to me. Maybe I'm wrong?
Someone being attractive to me isn't enough to make a relationship, but someone being unattractive is enough to mean that there won't be one.
I don't know how else to break this down for you. It's necessary but not sufficient.2 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »But something like, for example, dumping your partner because he lost his job and wasn't able to financially provide the way he could previously, or because he's losing his hair, or has put on a few pounds seems rather tragically superficial to me.
It really depends on what the response to losing the job is.
No effort to get another one will end the relationship. Balding is also not the same as getting fat - one of those is involuntary and the other is a result of choices.
Not the same, exactly, but "choice" is perhaps a continuum. You certainly have a "choice" to use whatever hair growth chemicals there are, wear a rug, get plugs. How extreme does one's behavior have to be to become a "choice"?
Because physical fitness, right now, at the (almost) age of 40 is a relatively easy choice for me to make. I get it. Physical fitness at the age of 60 might not be. At the age of 80? Will you still leave your partner at the age of 80 following a 30-pound weight gain? "Sorry, honey, but you made your choice."
In a lifelong relationship, I have to assume that the importance and definition of physical attractiveness is evolving. That doesn't mean that anyone is having a sexless relationship - it means that none of us will look or feel the same way for our entire lives, and when we partner with someone, that's what we signed up for. You don't KNOW what your partner will look like in 20 years, nor do you KNOW what will be sexually attractive to you at that time. You grow together and you figure it out the best you can. Drawing arbitrary lines in the sand is a recipe for a terrible marriage, weight gain, job loss, balding, or any other factor notwithstanding.
This is exactly what I've been trying to say.
Nobody except Helen Mirren looks schmexy at 70. Gravity is a *kitten*.
ETA, apologies if anyone here is 70 :laugh: I'm sure you're still rockin' it!
Ohh Dame Mirren...
Lauren Bacall looked phenomenal at any age.
Audrey Hepburn was absolutely stunning at 60ish. Maybe not meeting most definitions of "sexy," but she's my idol in aging.
I have the same opinion of the men of that generation. Growing old with grace and dignity. Every scar, every wrinkle is a badge of honor.
Then I am well decorated.
9 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.
I just read Gottaburns comment as HER relationship wouldn't have lasted 30 years if she took the same stance as you have. Honestly I can't imagine any relationship lasting very long based on looks alone. There is always someone out there thinner, prettier, more handsome, fitter...
Wouldn't you agree?
Who said my relationships are based on looks alone?
I said that sexual attraction is a necessary component for me. Not that it is the only component.
So when you say you would leave based on weight gain you also mean there are other reasons outside of their looks alone that you found unattractive?
When you say weight gain is a deal breaker that implies looks alone to me. Maybe I'm wrong?
Someone being attractive to me isn't enough to make a relationship, but someone being unattractive is enough to mean that there won't be one.
I don't know how else to break this down for you. It's necessary but not sufficient.
No need to break it down. I got it:)2 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »But something like, for example, dumping your partner because he lost his job and wasn't able to financially provide the way he could previously, or because he's losing his hair, or has put on a few pounds seems rather tragically superficial to me.
It really depends on what the response to losing the job is.
No effort to get another one will end the relationship. Balding is also not the same as getting fat - one of those is involuntary and the other is a result of choices.
Not the same, exactly, but "choice" is perhaps a continuum. You certainly have a "choice" to use whatever hair growth chemicals there are, wear a rug, get plugs. How extreme does one's behavior have to be to become a "choice"?
Because physical fitness, right now, at the (almost) age of 40 is a relatively easy choice for me to make. I get it. Physical fitness at the age of 60 might not be. At the age of 80? Will you still leave your partner at the age of 80 following a 30-pound weight gain? "Sorry, honey, but you made your choice."
In a lifelong relationship, I have to assume that the importance and definition of physical attractiveness is evolving. That doesn't mean that anyone is having a sexless relationship - it means that none of us will look or feel the same way for our entire lives, and when we partner with someone, that's what we signed up for. You don't KNOW what your partner will look like in 20 years, nor do you KNOW what will be sexually attractive to you at that time. You grow together and you figure it out the best you can. Drawing arbitrary lines in the sand is a recipe for a terrible marriage, weight gain, job loss, balding, or any other factor notwithstanding.
This is exactly what I've been trying to say.
Nobody except Helen Mirren looks schmexy at 70. Gravity is a *kitten*.
ETA, apologies if anyone here is 70 :laugh: I'm sure you're still rockin' it!
Ohh Dame Mirren...
Lauren Bacall looked phenomenal at any age.
Audrey Hepburn was absolutely stunning at 60ish. Maybe not meeting most definitions of "sexy," but she's my idol in aging.
I have the same opinion of the men of that generation. Growing old with grace and dignity. Every scar, every wrinkle is a badge of honor.
I have a GIANT crush on Gregory Peck. Yes - dignified.2 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Medicine and bed rest cannot make you gain weight in a vacuum. If you over eat, you gain weight. Pregnancy is also not a reason to gain excessive amounts of weight. Being pregnant does not mean eating for two, either.
There is one reason why people become overweight or obese. That reason is always excessive caloric intake, and it is never something that happens to an adult (absent developmental issues like Downs or Prader-Willi) in a vacuum without the active participation of the person gaining the weight. Nobody gets fat against their own will.
Actually, I just read about a woman who was pregnant and gained 70 lb in water weight alone during pregnancy due to a medical condition, regardless of what she ate. She lost those 70 lbs of water within 6 weeks of giving birth. There are a lot more medical conditions that can happen during pregnancy than just the common ones you hear about.3 -
Wait! Scars are cool again?! Yay! I'm going to be a winner!I have the same opinion of the men of that generation. Growing old with grace and dignity. Every scar, every wrinkle is a badge of honor.
I probably have enough scars (ring and street confrontations) to make John Wayne look like James Stewart!
1 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?
You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?
Really?
i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?0 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.
I just read Gottaburns comment as HER relationship wouldn't have lasted 30 years if she took the same stance as you have. Honestly I can't imagine any relationship lasting very long based on looks alone. There is always someone out there thinner, prettier, more handsome, fitter...
Wouldn't you agree?
Who said my relationships are based on looks alone?
I said that sexual attraction is a necessary component for me. Not that it is the only component.
So when you say you would leave based on weight gain you also mean there are other reasons outside of their looks alone that you found unattractive?
When you say weight gain is a deal breaker that implies looks alone to me. Maybe I'm wrong?
Someone being attractive to me isn't enough to make a relationship, but someone being unattractive is enough to mean that there won't be one.
I don't know how else to break this down for you. It's necessary but not sufficient.
For what it's worth - I think we understand you. It's just... sort of hard to wrap our minds around.
6 -
Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?
You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?
Really?
i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?
I don't at all consider it cruel to break up with someone if the relationship is no longer a positive thing in your life.1 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?
I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.
If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.
What does that demonstrate?High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.
I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.
I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.
Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.
The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.
The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.
You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.
Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.
You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.
It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.
I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.
But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.
So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.
This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.
I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.
You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.
You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.
I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.
I just read Gottaburns comment as HER relationship wouldn't have lasted 30 years if she took the same stance as you have. Honestly I can't imagine any relationship lasting very long based on looks alone. There is always someone out there thinner, prettier, more handsome, fitter...
Wouldn't you agree?
Who said my relationships are based on looks alone?
I said that sexual attraction is a necessary component for me. Not that it is the only component.
So when you say you would leave based on weight gain you also mean there are other reasons outside of their looks alone that you found unattractive?
When you say weight gain is a deal breaker that implies looks alone to me. Maybe I'm wrong?
Someone being attractive to me isn't enough to make a relationship, but someone being unattractive is enough to mean that there won't be one.
I don't know how else to break this down for you. It's necessary but not sufficient.
For what it's worth - I think we understand you. It's just... sort of hard to wrap our minds around.
summed up well0 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?
You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?
Really?
i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?
I don't at all consider it cruel to break up with someone if the relationship is no longer a positive thing in your life.
What if it's a positive thing in their life?3 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?
You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?
Really?
i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?
I don't at all consider it cruel to break up with someone if the relationship is no longer a positive thing in your life.
agreed. but yes if it is just because of weight. weight can be lost1 -
Many humans are not comfortable when confronted with hard truths from others that they do not want to consider in themselves.JeepHair77 wrote: »For what it's worth - I think we understand you. It's just... sort of hard to wrap our minds around.
Just sayin'5 -
WinoGelato wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?
You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?
Really?
i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?
I don't at all consider it cruel to break up with someone if the relationship is no longer a positive thing in your life.
What if it's a positive thing in their life?
Are you suggesting that in a relationship it's OK if one of the parties is fundamentally unhappy as long as the other person thinks its great?Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?
You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?
Really?
i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?
I don't at all consider it cruel to break up with someone if the relationship is no longer a positive thing in your life.
agreed. but yes if it is just because of weight. weight can be lost
And if after multiple conversations and months of time, it's not?
How long is long enough to wait for someone to get their life in order?
Many humans are not comfortable when confronted with hard truths from others that they do not want to consider in themselves.JeepHair77 wrote: »For what it's worth - I think we understand you. It's just... sort of hard to wrap our minds around.
Just sayin'
Just call me Captain Unpopular Opinion.5 -
Can I call you Ms. Captain, My Captain?heiliskrimsli wrote: »Just call me Captain Unpopular Opinion.
1
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