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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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/agreed
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Informative topic, thanks OP!0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Hmmmm, thanks for the info...because with my colorful personality, I will tell a person to go play in traffic quick tooSTLBADGIRL wrote: »And what constitutes a flag. It's a post on here with 3 flags....and for what? It's been A LOT of stuff on here that probably warranted a flag or two, but that one gets 3..... ugh
Poster basically told another poster to bug off because he/she didn't like their response. I didn't flag it, but did think it was uncalled for. I think the debate folder gets a little more leeway than the other folders, though.
Flagging isn't for disagreement though, and if someone is being aggressive, then reporting and letting the mods sort it out is the way to go. The abuse flag is supposed to be for blatant abuse such as pornographic images, that sort of stuff. Likewise, the spam is for the spam bots, not people posting links to their own instagram and sites, those are to be reported. There's a lot of abuse of the abuse flags. Those don't even get seen by the mods until there is enough of them.
I'm not suggesting that you are the one flagging, just trying to explain since there seems to be so much confusion. There is a post about it in the News and Announcements section.0 -
That's my question....is it really that tense? I know initially it was shocking for a few people to be so forward and cut and dry on their views...lemurcat12 wrote: »
Is the thread really that tense? I'm not taking the discussion to be as antagonistic as I guess some are?
Anyway, I think OP has lots of views on her question, so maybe it should end!
Also, I thought it would be more men that thought it would be deal breaker than women...
Also, with my weight challenges (in the past) I would be more open to my daughter telling me I would need to lose weight, than my S.O. and again, that's because I was dealing with some things internally about my weight that I needed to squash...
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nutmegoreo wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Hmmmm, thanks for the info...because with my colorful personality, I will tell a person to go play in traffic quick tooSTLBADGIRL wrote: »And what constitutes a flag. It's a post on here with 3 flags....and for what? It's been A LOT of stuff on here that probably warranted a flag or two, but that one gets 3..... ugh
Poster basically told another poster to bug off because he/she didn't like their response. I didn't flag it, but did think it was uncalled for. I think the debate folder gets a little more leeway than the other folders, though.
Flagging isn't for disagreement though, and if someone is being aggressive, then reporting and letting the mods sort it out is the way to go. The abuse flag is supposed to be for blatant abuse such as pornographic images, that sort of stuff. Likewise, the spam is for the spam bots, not people posting links to their own instagram and sites, those are to be reported. There's a lot of abuse of the abuse flags. Those don't even get seen by the mods until there is enough of them.
I'm not suggesting that you are the one flagging, just trying to explain since there seems to be so much confusion. There is a post about it in the News and Announcements section.
Thanks....I see the flags being abused. As soon as someone disagrees, they will use the abuse flag and I don't think that's what it was intended for initially.0 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »
WHEW! Well I for one am taking the politically correct stance and in agreement with the women.4 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »
WHEW! Well I for one am taking the politically correct stance and in agreement with the women.
You are hilarious...0 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?
You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?
Really?
i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?
I don't at all consider it cruel to break up with someone if the relationship is no longer a positive thing in your life.
What if it's a positive thing in their life?
Are you suggesting that in a relationship it's OK if one of the parties is fundamentally unhappy as long as the other person thinks its great?
I am suggesting that a good relationship is a partnership, and often that can mean putting the needs of your partner above the needs of yourself. I am not saying that individuals don't have the right to be happy. But your black and white view of this seems focused solely on yourself, and that does not suggest that you view your relationships as a true partnership.
No one is obligated to sacrifice their own happiness to spend their lives toiling for someone else's happiness. You talk about partnership like the only partner with obligations is the one whose attraction is to a normal weight body type, but there is another side to that coin.
You want to know what I think about partnership? Partnership doe snot mean one person gives u p what is important to them because the other one fundamentally changes who they are. If I started a relationship on the terms that I'm an active person, a normal weight person, someone who goes out and does things with this other person and then I completely change my lifestyle on them by quitting exercise, replacing all those mutually shared activities with couch surfing, and I gain a bunch of weight, I'm not the same person they committed to being with.
That would be true if I became a compulsive gambler, a drug addict, converted to another religion, completely reversed my stance on having children, or came out as transgender and started on HRT.
Unless both partners are committed to making themselves a positive aspect of the relationship, it's not a partnership.GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?
You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?
Really?
i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?
I don't at all consider it cruel to break up with someone if the relationship is no longer a positive thing in your life.
What if it's a positive thing in their life?
Are you suggesting that in a relationship it's OK if one of the parties is fundamentally unhappy as long as the other person thinks its great?
I am suggesting that a good relationship is a partnership, and often that can mean putting the needs of your partner above the needs of yourself. I am not saying that individuals don't have the right to be happy. But your black and white view of this seems focused solely on yourself, and that does not suggest that you view your relationships as a true partnership.
^This. Particularly if the emphasis is on building a lasting relationship.
I will stand by my contention that the focus on things like sex and appearance (though they might be early on) without any consideration that things evolve over time and circumstances change and priorities shift over time and true partners with a commitment to a relationship work though these things is something that people with an eye on the fact that life could throw you a curve ball at any time don't focus on. Adaptability and a willingness to support is key to keeping a relationship going through changing circumstances.
For you.
For you those things may not be important over time. I've been through the dead bedroom. I'm not doing it again. I suppose another fundamental difference of opinion here is that I don't think that keeping a relationship going once it's no longer fulfilling is a positive thing. I know you view that as a failure and not a real relationship, but we don't all have to have the same metrics for our lives, and as long as I don't lie to a partner about what I find important, who are you to say that my priorities are wrong?
I think you explained that very well. And I see your point, though we would choose differently in the same situations. Do you mind if I ask some follow up scenario questions?
1) What happens if the partner gains weight, but is still as active as they ever were?
2) What if the partner became pregnant and their hormones were making them have a lower libido? Plus clearly, they're gaining weight. The recommended weight gain is often over what you said earlier is your limit (you said 30 lb is the point where you break it off, where pregnant women starting at a normal weight are encouraged by doctors to gain up to 35 lbs)? Pregnancy lasts for 9-10 months. Would you wait that long? How long would you wait after the baby is born for that partner to lose the weight if you choose to stay with the partner during the weight gain phase? I'm curious also how you would react to medical complications during pregnancy such as +4 pitting edema (severe water retention) along with a 100 lb weight gain (again, mostly water)?
(It just occurred to me that I don't know your gender... if you are female and anticipate children, then perhaps you can comment on if you would agree with a the non-pregnant partner perhaps leaving the pregnant partner because of conditions like these). I am guessing that you have exceptions, as long as they are within an allotted time frame, but I wouldn't mind reading them. Bad me for wording it assuming you're male. I think it's just because I'm female so I put you in the role counter to me (if we were in a relationship lol). No offence meant, either way.
3) What if the newly overweight partner is experiencing hormonal problems (which can take years for doctors to help them resolve), and if that now overweight partner was still frequently wanting to be frisky in the bedroom, and be active. Would you wait many years for that partner and the team of doctors to try to figure out the cause?
3b) And while I know it is not impossible to lose weight while having hormonal problems, what if that partner has to go to such lengths where the two of you can never eat out together, that they spend a significantly increased amount of time at the gym (and not with you) and that they are tired all the time - would you break it off for something that could be long term yet still temporary? Would you give up a lifetime for 5 years, in other words.
If all your other needs were met EXCEPT the body type (but only after marriage for example), would you break up with that person?
I'm just curious where additional boundaries lie for you. To each their own. Also, I'm curious if you have a reason for putting weight gain on the same level as being transgender or having an addiction?5 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »
Is the thread really that tense? I'm not taking the discussion to be as antagonistic as I guess some are?
Anyway, I think OP has lots of views on her question, so maybe it should end!
Cosigned. I didn't think things were all that tense. I don't, quite frankly, get calling people sharing different experience "projection".5 -
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.16 -
I should hate you for bumping this thread, but I love this too much. Rory!
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Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
I have to point out that this man is an amazing actor. I adored him in Broadchurch.
Are you thinking of David Tennant? This is Arthur Darvill, Rory Williams in the show.
Edit, nevermind! They're BOTH in it :laugh:
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Nony_Mouse wrote: »
I don't know...I'm still convinced that The Note Book is the favorite love story of alllll time!5 -
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Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
I have to point out that this man is an amazing actor. I adored him in Broadchurch.
Are you thinking of David Tennant? This is Arthur Darvill, Rory Williams in the show.
Edit, nevermind! They're BOTH in it :laugh:
Lol I was definitely thinking of the right person but no worries
Yeah, sorry about that! Totally spaced for a minute
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I've been staying out of this thread for a few days, trying to figure out why some of the attitudes in here bother me so much, and apparently bother others as well. I didn't really want to bump the thread again, but now that it has been bumped...
My feeling is that the reason that so many of us are bothered by such a hard line on this concept that a physical appearance can be such an important part of a relationship that it is worth ending things over... is that for many of us, who have been in committed relationships at healthy weights and unhealthy weights - and who now are making a commitment to become healthy again - this concept suggests that many of us would now be going through this process alone, because our partner would have ended things. At the end of the day, as we always tell people who complain on these forums about their spouse sabotaging them, it IS up to the individual to make the change, no one can do this for you. However, it certainly can help to have a supportive spouse - and if my husband (who has never been overweight, he's not particularly physically fit but he's not unfit either) decided to kick me to the curb because I didn't lose the pregnancy weight, or I kept gaining even after the kids had gotten older, then where would that put me? That is such an unfathomable thought for me, because my husband is so caring and understanding, but hypothetically, if he had said that I needed to lose the 30 lbs or he would be out the door, it wouldn't have been enough to motivate me to lose the weight I don't think. I wasn't ready to lose the weight when my youngest was 1. I wasn't even ready when he was 2. It wasn't till my own mom died that I decided it was time to stop pretending that weight gain is just what happens to all of us as we get older, and I couldn't do anything about it. If my husband had said, "I'm not attracted to you, lose the weight or I'm leaving", I don't think that would have resulted in me losing the weight to save my marriage. It would have made me an angry, bitter, overweight, divorced, single mother of two kids. But he's not like that. And when I did make up my mind to lose the weight, and have been working on it and maintaining the loss for a few years now - he was encouraging and supportive and complimentary and definitely frisky, but I never doubted the love he felt when I was overweight or now that I'm back to the lowest weight I've been since college.
And to think that there are people in this world, that would end things, over something like that, is I think why there have been such strong reactions in this thread. People change over time - they change in appearance, they change their hobbies, they change careers, they change many things. To expect that one thing must never change, no matter what circumstances life throws at you, and to have such an inflexible attitude about it - just isn't something that I can fathom as being a mature, realistic approach to life and to relationships.
Ok - back to movie quotes!25 -
This movie made me experience emotions outside of anger...and there was no dust in sight to blame it on. One of those movies I sit down and watch regardless of what's going on.4 -
Nony_Mouse wrote: »^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
Loving someone and being interested in being in a monogamous and sexual relationship with them are two very different things.
No matter how many fictional movies someone quotes, the reality is that you don't choose what physically turns you on or off, and nobody is required to be in a monogamous and sexual relationship with someone they are not sexually attracted to. That doesn't make them a bad person for leaving.4 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
Loving someone and being interested in being in a monogamous and sexual relationship with them are two very different things.
No matter how many fictional movies someone quotes, the reality is that you don't choose what physically turns you on or off, and nobody is required to be in a monogamous and sexual relationship with someone they are not sexually attracted to. That doesn't make them a bad person for leaving.
How did I know you'd come back and take a swing at the 'fictitious movie quotes'?5 -
Is this still going on????0
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Tacklewasher wrote: »Is this still going on????
It's like the song that doesn't end.0 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
Loving someone and being interested in being in a monogamous and sexual relationship with them are two very different things.
No matter how many fictional movies someone quotes, the reality is that you don't choose what physically turns you on or off, and nobody is required to be in a monogamous and sexual relationship with someone they are not sexually attracted to. That doesn't make them a bad person for leaving.
You are utterly and completely missing the point. I guess you've just never experienced it.2 -
I don't see why considering another person shallow or self - absorbed, and determining that is a bad characteristic for a long term relationship, is bad and judgmental, but considering another person fat and lazy is just personal sexual preference that is above reproach.
We all have different values in life. We don't have to think all values are equal. We may have to live with our own choices in the context of our own values.13 -
Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
That Doctor Who quote exactly describes how I feel about my husband. To me he had the weirdest looking eyes when I first met him, but within fifteen minutes of talking to him, I thought he was one of the most handsome looking men I'd ever laid eyes on. I remember watching that episode and getting all the feels because of that.7 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
Loving someone and being interested in being in a monogamous and sexual relationship with them are two very different things.
No matter how many fictional movies someone quotes, the reality is that you don't choose what physically turns you on or off, and nobody is required to be in a monogamous and sexual relationship with someone they are not sexually attracted to. That doesn't make them a bad person for leaving.
How did I know you'd come back and take a swing at the 'fictitious movie quotes'?
Maybe somebody should've quoted Fifty Shades of Bollocks Grey instead.
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