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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

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  • serenityfrye
    serenityfrye Posts: 360 Member
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    In my personal relationship, yes. I have a long history of eating disorder and if I hit a point where he really thinks I look too thin, then I'm probably having a relapse. Conversely, I never mind his gently suggesting we re-evaluate our diet and work out together -- if he thinks we need to, I've probably also noticed my jeans don't zip anymore
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
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    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    a relationship is about honesty.
    A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.

    Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.

    Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?

    Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
    Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
    Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
    Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.

    I agree. If I am truly in love with the person, I would exhaust all possibilities first.

    But I do admire people that know what they like and want and do not want to settle. But at the same token I would want to feel secure in my relationship and not that any moment due to weight gain. I think it is very important to discuss this type of stuff when you are dating and before it move to the serious mark - because clearly people have different perspectives (and they are entitled to)... But before now, I never thought about it as a must have conversation.

    There's another way to not get left for becoming fat and unattractive to a partner.

    By not getting fat. I wouldn't worry about it myself because I'm not worried about gaining weight, it's something I know I can control, and I do control it.
  • Gallowmere1984
    Gallowmere1984 Posts: 6,626 Member
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    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    a relationship is about honesty.
    A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.

    Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.

    Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?

    Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
    Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
    Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
    Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.

    I agree. If I am truly in love with the person, I would exhaust all possibilities first.

    But I do admire people that know what they like and want and do not want to settle. But at the same token I would want to feel secure in my relationship and not that any moment due to weight gain. I think it is very important to discuss this type of stuff when you are dating and before it move to the serious mark - because clearly people have different perspectives (and they are entitled to)... But before now, I never thought about it as a must have conversation.

    There's another way to not get left for becoming fat and unattractive to a partner.

    By not getting fat. I wouldn't worry about it myself because I'm not worried about gaining weight, it's something I know I can control, and I do control it.

    well done
    you should tour the world and start lecturing on the topic

    Someone actually non-sarcastically suggested that I do this. However I am equal parts idiot and realist: I am stupid enough to approach it with facts, but realistic enough to know that people interested in facts find them on their own, and those who go to weightloss seminars are people begging to be fleeced by good bullshitters with shady product lines.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    Do you all think it would be easier to stay in a relationship with someone who suffers from anorexia vs a super fat person?

    No. Both would be pretty traumatic.
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    a relationship is about honesty.
    A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.

    Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.

    Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?

    Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
    Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
    Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
    Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.

    I agree. If I am truly in love with the person, I would exhaust all possibilities first.

    But I do admire people that know what they like and want and do not want to settle. But at the same token I would want to feel secure in my relationship and not that any moment due to weight gain. I think it is very important to discuss this type of stuff when you are dating and before it move to the serious mark - because clearly people have different perspectives (and they are entitled to)... But before now, I never thought about it as a must have conversation.

    There's another way to not get left for becoming fat and unattractive to a partner.

    By not getting fat. I wouldn't worry about it myself because I'm not worried about gaining weight, it's something I know I can control, and I do control it.

    This is something that YOU can control. You are still dismissing the issue that food addiction is real and most obese or 'fat' people struggle with and is difficult for them to manage or control. Addiction is real.

  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
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    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    a relationship is about honesty.
    A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.

    Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.

    Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?

    Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
    Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
    Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
    Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.

    I agree. If I am truly in love with the person, I would exhaust all possibilities first.

    But I do admire people that know what they like and want and do not want to settle. But at the same token I would want to feel secure in my relationship and not that any moment due to weight gain. I think it is very important to discuss this type of stuff when you are dating and before it move to the serious mark - because clearly people have different perspectives (and they are entitled to)... But before now, I never thought about it as a must have conversation.

    There's another way to not get left for becoming fat and unattractive to a partner.

    By not getting fat. I wouldn't worry about it myself because I'm not worried about gaining weight, it's something I know I can control, and I do control it.

    I really hope you fall off that high horse of yours one day...

    I was once fat. Now I am not. I will not be fat again. Ever.
    WinoGelato wrote: »
    The lack of compassion and empathy in some individuals, totally focusing on whether their partner "gets fat" and what that would do to their attraction for that person, and whether they could still achieve physical gratification is just, well, words escape me. And that doesn't happen very often.

    Relationships are complex. They are about more than sex.
    Attraction is complex. It's about more than a physical appearance.
    Health is complex. It is about more than weight.
    Life is complex. Extenuating circumstances arise. Situations change. That people assume that nothing should ever come in the way of staying thin and attractive is... what's the word I'm looking for... appalling?

    If you would be happy in a sexless relationship, that's your choice. I won't settle for what amounts to being financially entangled roommates with someone who I'm not attracted to. Your casual dismissal of the importance of sex in a relationship aside, surely you can understand that for many people the physical component of attraction cannot be removed.

    I'm not attracted to fat people, and that doesn't, no matter what you say, make me a bad person.
    being fat is not the only reason someone might get left on the shelve
    personality defects are also one

    Being fat is indicative that someone's personality is not compatible with mine. Mostly because they don't exhibit the kind of self control and focus on activity that I do.
    tomteboda wrote: »
    Medicine and bed rest cannot make you gain weight in a vacuum. If you over eat, you gain weight. Pregnancy is also not a reason to gain excessive amounts of weight. Being pregnant does not mean eating for two, either.

    There is one reason why people become overweight or obese. That reason is always excessive caloric intake, and it is never something that happens to an adult (absent developmental issues like Downs or Prader-Willi) in a vacuum without the active participation of the person gaining the weight. Nobody gets fat against their own will.

    I would like you to research Cushing's Disease, and also the effects of chronically elevated blood sugar levels before making such grossly ignorant comments. Also, as many metabolic disorders and medications upregulate home signaling, they make maintaining a normal caloric intake much more difficult. And depression and other mental health issues can mess with the will and energy to relate weight.

    Very, very few people say "I think I should like to be fat, I'm going to make that happen."

    All of those things can be easily counteracted by responsible maintenance of caloric intake. With the exception of Prader-Willi or Down's, both of which come with diminished mental capacity which in and of itself would mean I couldn't be in a relationship with that person.
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    a relationship is about honesty.
    A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.

    Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.

    Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?

    Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
    Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
    Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
    Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.

    I agree. If I am truly in love with the person, I would exhaust all possibilities first.

    But I do admire people that know what they like and want and do not want to settle. But at the same token I would want to feel secure in my relationship and not that any moment due to weight gain. I think it is very important to discuss this type of stuff when you are dating and before it move to the serious mark - because clearly people have different perspectives (and they are entitled to)... But before now, I never thought about it as a must have conversation.

    There's another way to not get left for becoming fat and unattractive to a partner.

    By not getting fat. I wouldn't worry about it myself because I'm not worried about gaining weight, it's something I know I can control, and I do control it.

    This is something that YOU can control. You are still dismissing the issue that food addiction is real and most obese or 'fat' people struggle with and is difficult for them to manage or control. Addiction is real.

    I won't be in a relationship with an addict.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
    edited April 2017
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    tomteboda wrote: »
    Very, very few people say "I think I should like to be fat, I'm going to make that happen."

    Probably yes. But most of really obese people do not think it is really such a big deal, or they would have done something about it before it got completely out of control. You gain the first 10 or 20 kilos, you see you need to keep shopping larger and larger sizes, you look at yourself in the mirror, you know where things are heading. If at this point you just do nothing, it is probably not that big of a deal for you. No one just wakes up one day double in size.
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
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    I've known my husband for almost 30 years. Over that time we've each been up and down the scale.

    Navigating a successful long-term relationship requires a lot of skill and determination and focus on a big picture.

    Some things are deal breakers to some people, they aren't to others, apparently.

    In our relationship, we've dealt with financial bad times, the death of parents, the development of a major chronic illness and ensuing major depressive episode in its aftermath, a child with behavioral problems, and a child on the autism spectrum.

    A successful relationship, we've come to find, has meant supporting each other through these things and communicating well to see ourselves through the bad times.

    Neither of us have cared much what the other has looked like weight-wise, and I know, from past experience with a mother who fat-shamed me that people can't make other people change.

    People can have their preferences, of course. My husband would have preferred that I had not had a personality shift when I developed a brain tumor, for example. It took a while for us to adjust. I would have preferred that my husband had not become moody when he had a terrible boss for a while at work. It took a while for us to adjust. My husband would have preferred that I not had a bout of major depression. It took us a while to adjust.

    The thing is, we love each other and are committed to our marriage. Other people may view relationships and what their priorities are differently.

    I can't wrap my head around love that's so conditional that something external could end it and sex that frankly, as the years pass, becomes less and less an important factor in a relationship.

    You may not find sex to be a required part of a relationship. Other people do, and that doesn't make them wrong and you right.

    I happen to be someone who requires sex (and frequently) as part of a relationship. If that need is not met, that relationship will not work. I'm not looking for a roommate.

    You also may be someone who doesn't care what your partner weighs. I am. I'm not attracted to people who fall outside the normal weight range in general. That doesn't make me wrong or a bad person or less mature than you, either. I don't expect that my preferences would make someone else change - but they need to understand as well that I am not obligated to change what I'm attracted to to suit them and it doesn't make me a jerk that the body type I'm attracted to isn't the one they have. It would be the same if they weren't the gender that I'm attracted to.

    You also seem to be assuming that this is age related and that those of us who eschew the idea of sexless relationships are simply young and will learn as we get older. That is most definitely not the case for me.