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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »Perhaps these "deal breakers" should be disclosed UP FRONT.
I have stated before in this thread that I do discuss deal breakers up front.
Not just those related to fitness, activity, and attraction but a lot of things like religion and kids. This is not something that I would spring on a person after years of being together.
Deal breakers should be disclosed up front but this still makes me cringe because things can change, and will change, over the course of a relationship.
When my husband and I tallked marriage, we discussed that I would probably want kids and that I'd probably want to stay home with them -less money for him and less time for him. These were issues that I thought to talk about back then when we were in our 20's. We didn't talk about physical degeneration at all because we were so young. We were both incredibly fit and looked really good. My hubby biked everywhere and climbed year round and I lifted, played basketball, ran half marathons and climbed mountains for 6 hours after work.
Now? We both have some health issues. Mine is autoimmune and involves my digestive system, metabolism, and a fair amount of pain. It hurts to walk. I'm not running much. I don't lift often. Right now I can get my arms above my head. It makes me tired and my metabolism is not very fast anymore.
I'm about 15lbs heavier than I used to be but I look more like 25 lbs heavier because of muscle loss. No more 6-pack. Even if I was that thin the large scar across my abdomen prevents great muscle tone there. I can't do what I did when we met. I was 18. Now I'm in my mid 40s. If looks and being able to keep up with your spouses activities were deal breakers, we would have split long ago....
Course, I think spouses should have their own activities and not rely on their significant other to entertain them. Even 20+ years ago, I climbed those mountains and ran on my own, and hubby climbed the waterfalls and rode bikes without me. We are with each other for who we are and not what he will do with me in my spare time.9 -
This thread is turning into a preteen novel, with multiple posters of the female persuasion doing their best to change the bad boy.
...and scene!8 -
Who's a bad boy?? I though the main antagonist remained mysteriously gender-neutral? WHAT DID I MISS??3
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I am lucky as I have never had a person I have been in a relationship comment on my weight . This being said I decided to do something about my weight. I don't think I would love my husband any less if he gained 30 or even 50 pounds. There would come a time though when it would effect my relationship with him. Haters are going to hate but I chose to do something about my weight . If my partner gained over 100 pounds and did nothing I don't think I would stay in the relationship. You would expect your partner to get help if they drank too much, you would expect them to look for a new job if they were jobless, why wouldn't I expect my partner to do anything about their weight? I am not a quitter and I don't want to be with someone who is . I am not saying they would have to be fit but they would have to be doing something if they were morbidly obese . Sorry it isn't about looks like it comes across - I generally have a low tolerance for people who always have excuses and don't take charge of their lives. Pleasantly plump is fine - morbidly obese where it effects life's enjoyment is not . At least try to improve ourselves6
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This thread is turning into a preteen novel, with multiple posters of the female persuasion doing their best to change the bad boy.
...and scene!
It's not so much change the bad boy as it is to inform the bad boy, I think. The judgments about projection are a bit unfair. I think those of us sharing stories of long term relationships are scratching our heads because we know how they work and aren't seeing anything to relate to in what she's saying. That's not projecting, that's looking for common ground.
People who have been through what the "bad boy" is describing over the long haul having invested a lot in loving relationships usually have a foundation built on deeper issues.
This is why I was making an issue on the other poster's history. What she is saying sounds purely theoretical.2 -
GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »This thread is turning into a preteen novel, with multiple posters of the female persuasion doing their best to change the bad boy.
...and scene!
It's not so much change the bad boy as it is to inform the bad boy, I think. The judgments about projection are a bit unfair. I think those of us sharing stories of long term relationships are scratching our heads because we know how they work and aren't seeing anything to relate to in what she's saying. That's not projecting, that's looking for common ground.
People who have been through what the "bad boy" is describing over the long haul having invested a lot in loving relationships usually have a foundation built on deeper issues.
This is why I was making an issue on the other poster's history. What she is saying sounds purely theoretical.
I confused about the gender of everyone in this thread now
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It's ok - the thread should probably wander off into the wilderness to die its natural death at this point anyway
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Is the thread really that tense? I'm not taking the discussion to be as antagonistic as I guess some are?
Anyway, I think OP has lots of views on her question, so maybe it should end!1 -
/agreed
So
Many
Quotes of Quotes
Informative topic, thanks OP!0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Hmmmm, thanks for the info...because with my colorful personality, I will tell a person to go play in traffic quick tooSTLBADGIRL wrote: »And what constitutes a flag. It's a post on here with 3 flags....and for what? It's been A LOT of stuff on here that probably warranted a flag or two, but that one gets 3..... ugh
Poster basically told another poster to bug off because he/she didn't like their response. I didn't flag it, but did think it was uncalled for. I think the debate folder gets a little more leeway than the other folders, though.
Flagging isn't for disagreement though, and if someone is being aggressive, then reporting and letting the mods sort it out is the way to go. The abuse flag is supposed to be for blatant abuse such as pornographic images, that sort of stuff. Likewise, the spam is for the spam bots, not people posting links to their own instagram and sites, those are to be reported. There's a lot of abuse of the abuse flags. Those don't even get seen by the mods until there is enough of them.
I'm not suggesting that you are the one flagging, just trying to explain since there seems to be so much confusion. There is a post about it in the News and Announcements section.0 -
That's my question....is it really that tense? I know initially it was shocking for a few people to be so forward and cut and dry on their views...lemurcat12 wrote: »
Is the thread really that tense? I'm not taking the discussion to be as antagonistic as I guess some are?
Anyway, I think OP has lots of views on her question, so maybe it should end!
Also, I thought it would be more men that thought it would be deal breaker than women...
Also, with my weight challenges (in the past) I would be more open to my daughter telling me I would need to lose weight, than my S.O. and again, that's because I was dealing with some things internally about my weight that I needed to squash...
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nutmegoreo wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Hmmmm, thanks for the info...because with my colorful personality, I will tell a person to go play in traffic quick tooSTLBADGIRL wrote: »And what constitutes a flag. It's a post on here with 3 flags....and for what? It's been A LOT of stuff on here that probably warranted a flag or two, but that one gets 3..... ugh
Poster basically told another poster to bug off because he/she didn't like their response. I didn't flag it, but did think it was uncalled for. I think the debate folder gets a little more leeway than the other folders, though.
Flagging isn't for disagreement though, and if someone is being aggressive, then reporting and letting the mods sort it out is the way to go. The abuse flag is supposed to be for blatant abuse such as pornographic images, that sort of stuff. Likewise, the spam is for the spam bots, not people posting links to their own instagram and sites, those are to be reported. There's a lot of abuse of the abuse flags. Those don't even get seen by the mods until there is enough of them.
I'm not suggesting that you are the one flagging, just trying to explain since there seems to be so much confusion. There is a post about it in the News and Announcements section.
Thanks....I see the flags being abused. As soon as someone disagrees, they will use the abuse flag and I don't think that's what it was intended for initially.0 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »
WHEW! Well I for one am taking the politically correct stance and in agreement with the women.4 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »
WHEW! Well I for one am taking the politically correct stance and in agreement with the women.
You are hilarious...0 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?
You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?
Really?
i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?
I don't at all consider it cruel to break up with someone if the relationship is no longer a positive thing in your life.
What if it's a positive thing in their life?
Are you suggesting that in a relationship it's OK if one of the parties is fundamentally unhappy as long as the other person thinks its great?
I am suggesting that a good relationship is a partnership, and often that can mean putting the needs of your partner above the needs of yourself. I am not saying that individuals don't have the right to be happy. But your black and white view of this seems focused solely on yourself, and that does not suggest that you view your relationships as a true partnership.
No one is obligated to sacrifice their own happiness to spend their lives toiling for someone else's happiness. You talk about partnership like the only partner with obligations is the one whose attraction is to a normal weight body type, but there is another side to that coin.
You want to know what I think about partnership? Partnership doe snot mean one person gives u p what is important to them because the other one fundamentally changes who they are. If I started a relationship on the terms that I'm an active person, a normal weight person, someone who goes out and does things with this other person and then I completely change my lifestyle on them by quitting exercise, replacing all those mutually shared activities with couch surfing, and I gain a bunch of weight, I'm not the same person they committed to being with.
That would be true if I became a compulsive gambler, a drug addict, converted to another religion, completely reversed my stance on having children, or came out as transgender and started on HRT.
Unless both partners are committed to making themselves a positive aspect of the relationship, it's not a partnership.GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?
You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?
Really?
i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?
I don't at all consider it cruel to break up with someone if the relationship is no longer a positive thing in your life.
What if it's a positive thing in their life?
Are you suggesting that in a relationship it's OK if one of the parties is fundamentally unhappy as long as the other person thinks its great?
I am suggesting that a good relationship is a partnership, and often that can mean putting the needs of your partner above the needs of yourself. I am not saying that individuals don't have the right to be happy. But your black and white view of this seems focused solely on yourself, and that does not suggest that you view your relationships as a true partnership.
^This. Particularly if the emphasis is on building a lasting relationship.
I will stand by my contention that the focus on things like sex and appearance (though they might be early on) without any consideration that things evolve over time and circumstances change and priorities shift over time and true partners with a commitment to a relationship work though these things is something that people with an eye on the fact that life could throw you a curve ball at any time don't focus on. Adaptability and a willingness to support is key to keeping a relationship going through changing circumstances.
For you.
For you those things may not be important over time. I've been through the dead bedroom. I'm not doing it again. I suppose another fundamental difference of opinion here is that I don't think that keeping a relationship going once it's no longer fulfilling is a positive thing. I know you view that as a failure and not a real relationship, but we don't all have to have the same metrics for our lives, and as long as I don't lie to a partner about what I find important, who are you to say that my priorities are wrong?
I think you explained that very well. And I see your point, though we would choose differently in the same situations. Do you mind if I ask some follow up scenario questions?
1) What happens if the partner gains weight, but is still as active as they ever were?
2) What if the partner became pregnant and their hormones were making them have a lower libido? Plus clearly, they're gaining weight. The recommended weight gain is often over what you said earlier is your limit (you said 30 lb is the point where you break it off, where pregnant women starting at a normal weight are encouraged by doctors to gain up to 35 lbs)? Pregnancy lasts for 9-10 months. Would you wait that long? How long would you wait after the baby is born for that partner to lose the weight if you choose to stay with the partner during the weight gain phase? I'm curious also how you would react to medical complications during pregnancy such as +4 pitting edema (severe water retention) along with a 100 lb weight gain (again, mostly water)?
(It just occurred to me that I don't know your gender... if you are female and anticipate children, then perhaps you can comment on if you would agree with a the non-pregnant partner perhaps leaving the pregnant partner because of conditions like these). I am guessing that you have exceptions, as long as they are within an allotted time frame, but I wouldn't mind reading them. Bad me for wording it assuming you're male. I think it's just because I'm female so I put you in the role counter to me (if we were in a relationship lol). No offence meant, either way.
3) What if the newly overweight partner is experiencing hormonal problems (which can take years for doctors to help them resolve), and if that now overweight partner was still frequently wanting to be frisky in the bedroom, and be active. Would you wait many years for that partner and the team of doctors to try to figure out the cause?
3b) And while I know it is not impossible to lose weight while having hormonal problems, what if that partner has to go to such lengths where the two of you can never eat out together, that they spend a significantly increased amount of time at the gym (and not with you) and that they are tired all the time - would you break it off for something that could be long term yet still temporary? Would you give up a lifetime for 5 years, in other words.
If all your other needs were met EXCEPT the body type (but only after marriage for example), would you break up with that person?
I'm just curious where additional boundaries lie for you. To each their own. Also, I'm curious if you have a reason for putting weight gain on the same level as being transgender or having an addiction?5 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »
Is the thread really that tense? I'm not taking the discussion to be as antagonistic as I guess some are?
Anyway, I think OP has lots of views on her question, so maybe it should end!
Cosigned. I didn't think things were all that tense. I don't, quite frankly, get calling people sharing different experience "projection".5 -
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.16 -
I should hate you for bumping this thread, but I love this too much. Rory!
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