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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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My statement was directed specifically at the people who had self-identified as men in the discussion, but could be generalized to anyone who did not carry and give birth to the child. In my opinion the sex/gender of the parties involved are not the important part.7
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Everyone gets to have their opinion, but only YOU control your body.
I don't worry too much about my husband blowing up and becoming obese. It's really not his personality. He's fit and active and takes care of himself. Now, due to the "in sickness and in health" clause, I would totally understand if he became ill or disabled and fell out of shape. I get that. But even when disabled, you still have some measure of control.
But him knowingly and willingly letting himself go? After 16 years together, I doubt it would happen, but I would have concerns if it did. And I'd be lying if I said he'd be as attractive if he was obese as he is fit. I'm attracted to shared values, and health and fitness is something I value. So someone who doesn't take care of themselves doesn't share my values. (And that's OK. There are plenty of fish in the sea.) The same goes for me as far as being in shape. I plan on staying fit and in good health for my age as long as I am able to do so. It's as much (probably even more so) for me as it is for him.
I will say that if I thought I was being shamed, criticized, or harassed because my body didn't meet someone else's standards, I'd be done though. That's not OK. It's alright to show legitimate concern, but being controlling and tearing someone down is unacceptable.4 -
I'd choose a kind chubby person any day over an obnoxious, super opinionated, know it all that gave ultimatums to me.
BUT thats just me.42 -
My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years. He was over 300 lbs when I met him, I was probably 130.
I started gaining weight after we met (spoiled me with food) and was probably 150 by the time we got married 2 years later. Then gained up to 165ish after a few years of marriage. Then had a couple kids and gained and lost some...was put on a medication that helped me balloon up to 195 lbs. He has never said anything at all about my weight. Just that I'm beautiful and sexy. I really feel like he wouldn't care if I lost or gained. I am definitely thankful that he feels that way but sometimes I do wish that he would help push me more when I express interest in losing weight and being healthier.
His actual weight doesn't bother me in a physical sense but as we get older it bothers me worrying about his health. We have 3 young children now and I'm seeing his poor eating habits with new eyes. Even though I've gained so much weight, I've always been much more health conscience than him. His family members are all morbidly obese and have never even tried to change, they just accept it and accept that they are unhealthy people. Diabetes and strokes "just run in the family". I really feel like my husband would be happy living like that. We could both just happily get fatter and take tons of medications and complain about our health problems together and that would be ok and normal to him.
It scares me...but I don't want to say anything to him because I don't want to hurt his feelings and I know I'd be devastated if he said something similar to me.
Recently we had a small conversation about it because he noticed that I've been eating better and less. I told him that I was worried about *our* health and wanted to make sure that *we* lived long lives for our children. He sort of agreed to try to cut back and we made a fun little bet about who could lose and keep off the most weight...but so far I haven't noticed any effort on his part. We'll see though!
I do love him so much though. I love how much he loves me. Physical beauty fades. It makes me think of when I was in the hospital right after having our 3rd baby. I was at my absolute heaviest and had just given birth. I had a lot of muscle pain in my arms (from pushing down on the bed while in labor) and I had to ask him to help me get dressed. He was gently helping me and I caught a glance of myself in the mirror...in those special mesh underwear, the giant diaper like pad, and my still swollen sagging stomach. I was so embarrassed even after being married for 12 years (at the time). I apologize for making him see that and he laughed at me and told me I was beautiful and that I had just had his baby and had nothing to be worried about.25 -
Christine_72 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
I would never be that lazy enough to get obese but even if I was, I would expect my partner to give me a wake up call just like I would do to her. Plus it's good for your health and self esteem.1 -
There's not too many options.heiliskrimsli wrote: »
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DasItMan91 wrote: »Christine_72 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
I would never be that lazy enough to get obese but even if I was, I would expect my partner to give me a wake up call just like I would do to her. Plus it's good for your health and self esteem.
Blimey I can only imagine the type of support your giving to the friends you gathered here
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Therealobi1 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »Christine_72 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
I would never be that lazy enough to get obese but even if I was, I would expect my partner to give me a wake up call just like I would do to her. Plus it's good for your health and self esteem.
Blimey I can only imagine the type of support your giving to the friends you gathered here
Probably the useful kind. I'll take someone leading by example over a million "it's okay that you're a repeat failure, just...erm...keep up the...ehhh, good work" any day. Consolation only gets one but so far. Leaders are generally more helpful than coddlers.
I accomplish this by being completely open with my own failures on my feed. Granted, I have no food issues anymore, but I still fall short of goals in training, have days where I had to bail on my session early because of work, etc. I let these things be known, because it helps people to realize that *kitten* happens, even to those who have been somewhat successful with changing themselves. People usually don't need "poor you". I prefer to provide constant "keep nutting the *kitten* up, and don't let a single bad thing derail you" examples, without having to be direct or consolatory about it.9 -
Gallowmere1984 wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »Christine_72 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
I would never be that lazy enough to get obese but even if I was, I would expect my partner to give me a wake up call just like I would do to her. Plus it's good for your health and self esteem.
Blimey I can only imagine the type of support your giving to the friends you gathered here
Probably the useful kind. I'll take someone leading by example over a million "it's okay that you're a repeat failure, just...erm...keep up the...ehhh, good work" any day. Consolation only gets one but so far. Leaders are generally more helpful than coddlers.
I accomplish this by being completely open with my own failures on my feed. Granted, I have no food issues anymore, but I still fall short of goals in training, have days where I had to bail on my session early because of work, etc. I let these things be known, because it helps people to realize that *kitten* happens, even to those who have been somewhat successful with changing themselves. People usually don't need "poor you". I prefer to provide constant "keep nutting the *kitten* up, and don't let a single bad thing derail you" examples, without having to be direct or consolatory about it.
You have two options when you fall down:
You can lay there.
You can get back up.
Nobody ever crossed a finish line by laying down in the middle of the race. I prefer to be around people who tell me to sack up and get my *kitten* off the ground rather than those who bring the tissues to the pity party, and I'm not going to coddle anyone else, either.9 -
a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.2 -
SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?1 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.8 -
SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.
Do you think that there's a point where you would end a relationship over weight gain and if so what would that point be?0 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.
Do you think that there's a point where you would end a relationship over weight gain and if so what would that point be?
I really hope not - ive never thought to end the relationship over a little weight gain.
I'd end it if our paths completely changed and that can be a direct factor of weight gain, such as no longer enjoying hobbies together, different attitudes to life etc. I guess this would be a build up over time before such drastic measures take place.
Ending a loving relationship over a few lbs of weight is abit silly in my humble opinion. You could be throwing away something so special. Each to their own13 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.
Do you think that there's a point where you would end a relationship over weight gain and if so what would that point be?
When it becomes impossible to share the couch.
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Do you think that there's a point where you would end a relationship over weight gain and if so what would that point be?[/quote]
When it becomes impossible to share the couch.
[/quote]
LMAO! The struggle is real, couch sharing is clutch!
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Therealobi1 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »Christine_72 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
I would never be that lazy enough to get obese but even if I was, I would expect my partner to give me a wake up call just like I would do to her. Plus it's good for your health and self esteem.
Blimey I can only imagine the type of support your giving to the friends you gathered here
Newsflash, I got no one on my friend's list nor do I want anyone on my friend's list.2 -
SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.
Do you think that there's a point where you would end a relationship over weight gain and if so what would that point be?
I really hope not - ive never thought to end the relationship over a little weight gain.
I'd end it if our paths completely changed and that can be a direct factor of weight gain, such as no longer enjoying hobbies together, different attitudes to life etc. I guess this would be a build up over time before such drastic measures take place.
Ending a loving relationship over a few lbs of weight is abit silly in my humble opinion. You could be throwing away something so special. Each to their own
I think ending a romantic relationship when it's no longer sexually satisfying is very reasonable. If I don't, I'm throwing away the opportunity to be in a fulfilling relationship.2 -
My boyfriend of almost 5 years has seen me gain about 46 lbs over that time. When I realized I was going too far in the wrong direction & wanted to do something about it, he was more than supportive. He always found me to be attractive still, but did say that at some point [should I continue to gain weight] that it could adversely affect our relationship. When I started my weight loss journey over a year ago, I would get defeated & almost give in. He would continue to push me back in the right direction [he knows I have a lack of patience]. Now I am back in the groove & down 15 lbs & ready to keep going. Thanks to my S.O., I never gave up. It is OK IMO to have a S.O. make a comment or give an opinion [more so when it is warranted] in a respectful way. It's all about the approach...1
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