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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

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Replies

  • cqbkaju
    cqbkaju Posts: 1,011 Member
    edited April 2017
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    CSARdiver wrote: »
    I have the same opinion of the men of that generation. Growing old with grace and dignity. Every scar, every wrinkle is a badge of honor.
    Wait! Scars are cool again?! Yay! I'm going to be a winner!
    I probably have enough scars (ring and street confrontations) to make John Wayne look like James Stewart!

  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,261 Member
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    Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
    The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?

    You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?

    Really?

    i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
    by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
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    Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
    The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?

    You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?

    Really?

    i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
    by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?

    I don't at all consider it cruel to break up with someone if the relationship is no longer a positive thing in your life.
  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,261 Member
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    JeepHair77 wrote: »
    Why do you make judgments about what type of people fat people are?

    I judge that they are not compatible with me because we have different attitudes and lifestyles which do not result in a mutually beneficial romantic relationship.

    If you think that makes me a bad person, you're entitled to your opinion.
    Decades long? Longer than 10 years? I don't think so.

    What does that demonstrate?
    High irony coming from you after all you've said in this thread.

    I have said repeatedly that other people have the right to define what they want out of a relationship for themselves, and have never told you that you are wrong or a bad person for not wanting the same things that I do.
    Fair enough. I wouldn't stay with someone who molested our children.

    I just find that where you're drawing the line on your conditional love to be rather close to something superficial.

    Superficial to you. Compatible lifestyles and that includes fitness and sex are not something I consider superficial.

    The quotes get all messed up so I'm not going to bother, but I want to respond to you about the length of relationships and why it's clear to me why you've never been in a very long term relationship.

    The superficial fades over time. You've made claims to not being young, but I doubt you're old and I doubt you've ever dealt with something like a major health crisis. The passage of time (long amounts of it) changes people and their perspective, and many years with someone changes the face of a relationship.

    You do not speak like someone who has had the chance to live that experience.

    Until you know why someone's relationships ended, you really shouldn't pass judgement about it. You've made a lot of assumptions about me, and most of them at the very least imply that I'm a pretty horrible person.

    You have not walked in my shoes and don't know anywhere near enough about me to sit in judgment of my romantic history. I'm not sitting here judging you and yours, so please be somewhat respectful and back off.

    It seems to me in several posts that you've stated you would end a relationship over your partners weight, which you would no longer find attractive. You've put your relationship deal breaker out there in response to a debate question. Thats your prerogative. Your perspective and your relationships. Thats cool. A few others have agreed with you. You are not alone.

    I think others in relationships (some long term) are saying that after a period of time with someone (initially physically attracted to) they become much more than their weight or physical appearance. They have qualities and attributes that are still very attractive. Physical appearance isn't the main nor only reason they are attracted to a person.

    But as I understand your posts qualities, personality and a history aren't important to you because you've stated several times if your partner becomes overweight and after the warnings you've issued and they don't change that you would end the relationship.

    So in all honesty as I see it you are judging your partner on looks alone? Others are judging you because you go on looks alone. Is that a fair assesment? It seems fair to me.

    I'm not trying to be antagonistic I just see both perspectives although I may not agree with one.

    This explains exactly what I meant when I said that I was passing judgment on the other poster's statements.

    I can only judge what has been said about her stance on relationships. I haven't made the same choices for my marriage and can't see my relationship having lasted 30 years if I had.

    You've judged me as a person based upon your perception of my relationships as lesser because I haven't had a single relationship that lasted >30 years, but more than one relationship over a period of decades. You don't know how many, or their circumstances or duration, but you've already decided that I don't have the capacity for what you consider a real long-term relationship.

    You actually know absolutely nothing about me other than that I've said significant weight gain is a deal breaker and that I consider a fulfilling sex life a necessary condition of a monogamous relationship, and from that you've made a sweeping judgment about my character and determined that none of my relationships have ever been as real as yours is.

    I don't consider you superior or inferior to me in terms of relationships, just different. I'm sorry it doesn't seem the same from your direction.

    I just read Gottaburns comment as HER relationship wouldn't have lasted 30 years if she took the same stance as you have. Honestly I can't imagine any relationship lasting very long based on looks alone. There is always someone out there thinner, prettier, more handsome, fitter...
    Wouldn't you agree?

    Who said my relationships are based on looks alone?

    I said that sexual attraction is a necessary component for me. Not that it is the only component.

    So when you say you would leave based on weight gain you also mean there are other reasons outside of their looks alone that you found unattractive?

    When you say weight gain is a deal breaker that implies looks alone to me. Maybe I'm wrong?

    Someone being attractive to me isn't enough to make a relationship, but someone being unattractive is enough to mean that there won't be one.

    I don't know how else to break this down for you. It's necessary but not sufficient.

    For what it's worth - I think we understand you. It's just... sort of hard to wrap our minds around.


    summed up well
  • WinoGelato
    WinoGelato Posts: 13,454 Member
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    Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
    The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?

    You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?

    Really?

    i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
    by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?

    I don't at all consider it cruel to break up with someone if the relationship is no longer a positive thing in your life.

    What if it's a positive thing in their life?
  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,261 Member
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    Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
    The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?

    You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?

    Really?

    i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
    by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?

    I don't at all consider it cruel to break up with someone if the relationship is no longer a positive thing in your life.

    agreed. but yes if it is just because of weight. weight can be lost
  • cqbkaju
    cqbkaju Posts: 1,011 Member
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    Just call me Captain Unpopular Opinion.
    Can I call you Ms. Captain, My Captain?

  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    cqbkaju wrote: »
    JeepHair77 wrote: »
    For what it's worth - I think we understand you. It's just... sort of hard to wrap our minds around.
    Many humans are not comfortable when confronted with hard truths from others that they do not want to consider in themselves.

    Just sayin'

    I agree and stated this above.
  • JeepHair77
    JeepHair77 Posts: 1,291 Member
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    cqbkaju wrote: »
    JeepHair77 wrote: »
    For what it's worth - I think we understand you. It's just... sort of hard to wrap our minds around.
    Many humans are not comfortable when confronted with hard truths from others that they do not want to consider in themselves.

    Just sayin'

    LOL! Yeah, I know the hard truth, believe me. I said myself back on page 2 or so that I actually DO recognize this as a hard truth in my own relationship - although jeez, even my husband would never put it in such point-blank terminology. (Or then again, maybe, on a semi-anonymous message board, he would.)

    I think most of us, by virtue of being HERE, get that truth in some form or fashion. The part I've had trouble with from @heiliskrimsli is that context is missing from the analysis.
  • GottaBurnEmAll
    GottaBurnEmAll Posts: 7,722 Member
    edited April 2017
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    WinoGelato wrote: »
    WinoGelato wrote: »
    Also i wouldnt expect these comments from someone who never got big
    The only thing i can think of is someone was so cruel to you now thats your way of thinking?

    You consider me "cruel" to others for having sexual attraction in a relationship that involves sex being a deal breaker, but you don't think that's calling me a bad person?

    Really?

    i am saying, was someone cruel to you when you gained weight, now you think the same way they did?
    by the way did they give you a deadline to lose the weight and you didnt meet it?

    I don't at all consider it cruel to break up with someone if the relationship is no longer a positive thing in your life.

    What if it's a positive thing in their life?

    Are you suggesting that in a relationship it's OK if one of the parties is fundamentally unhappy as long as the other person thinks its great?

    I am suggesting that a good relationship is a partnership, and often that can mean putting the needs of your partner above the needs of yourself. I am not saying that individuals don't have the right to be happy. But your black and white view of this seems focused solely on yourself, and that does not suggest that you view your relationships as a true partnership.

    ^This. Particularly if the emphasis is on building a lasting relationship.

    I will stand by my contention that the focus on things like sex and appearance (though they might be early on) without any consideration that things evolve over time and circumstances change and priorities shift over time and true partners with a commitment to a relationship work though these things is something that people with an eye on the fact that life could throw you a curve ball at any time don't focus on. Adaptability and a willingness to support is key to keeping a relationship going through changing circumstances.
  • Nixi3Knox
    Nixi3Knox Posts: 182 Member
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    Nixi3Knox wrote: »
    There is a difference in demanding that a person lose weight and in in giving an opinion. Telling the other person that you feel they should make this kind of change because you are concerned for their health or because they are not as attractive to you as they used to be does not necessarily equate to not loving them anymore. However telling someone to lose or gain weight or the relationship will end is out of line. So is withholding love and/or affection, cheating, berating and harshly criticizing or other mental/emotional abuse due to the person's physical appearance. If someone has taken it upon themselves to use the other person's physical appearance as their reason for their poor behavior then there is a problem aside from physical appearance that needs to unearthed.

    No one is owed a relationship and everyone is entitled to define their own deal-breakers. If you don't like someone else's deal-breakers, don't get into a relationship with them.

    If a relationship is making one of the people in it unhappy, they have every right to leave.

    Perhaps these "deal breakers" should be disclosed UP FRONT.