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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.
Do you think that there's a point where you would end a relationship over weight gain and if so what would that point be?
I really hope not - ive never thought to end the relationship over a little weight gain.
I'd end it if our paths completely changed and that can be a direct factor of weight gain, such as no longer enjoying hobbies together, different attitudes to life etc. I guess this would be a build up over time before such drastic measures take place.
Ending a loving relationship over a few lbs of weight is abit silly in my humble opinion. You could be throwing away something so special. Each to their own
I think ending a romantic relationship when it's no longer sexually satisfying is very reasonable. If I don't, I'm throwing away the opportunity to be in a fulfilling relationship.
of course, to each their own.
Some people try to make their relationship work because let's face it, we all get complacent so effort must be maintained from both sides (if and where required)
Giving up on the first hurdle? Well good luck in finding someone who will keep you on your toes.
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SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.
Do you think that there's a point where you would end a relationship over weight gain and if so what would that point be?
I really hope not - ive never thought to end the relationship over a little weight gain.
I'd end it if our paths completely changed and that can be a direct factor of weight gain, such as no longer enjoying hobbies together, different attitudes to life etc. I guess this would be a build up over time before such drastic measures take place.
Ending a loving relationship over a few lbs of weight is abit silly in my humble opinion. You could be throwing away something so special. Each to their own
I think ending a romantic relationship when it's no longer sexually satisfying is very reasonable. If I don't, I'm throwing away the opportunity to be in a fulfilling relationship.
of course, to each their own.
Some people try to make their relationship work because let's face it, we all get complacent so effort must be maintained from both sides (if and where required)
Giving up on the first hurdle? Well good luck in finding someone who will keep you on your toes.
SO gains 10 lbs and their pants are now too tight, I say something.
SO gains 20 lbs and none of their pants fit at all, I say the problem isn't that you need bigger pants, it's that you're overeating consistently and you need to resolve that.
SO then reaches "overweight" range, they get a couple of months to show progress to resolving it and if not, they get a good bye.3 -
SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.
Do you think that there's a point where you would end a relationship over weight gain and if so what would that point be?
I really hope not - ive never thought to end the relationship over a little weight gain.
I'd end it if our paths completely changed and that can be a direct factor of weight gain, such as no longer enjoying hobbies together, different attitudes to life etc. I guess this would be a build up over time before such drastic measures take place.
Ending a loving relationship over a few lbs of weight is abit silly in my humble opinion. You could be throwing away something so special. Each to their own
I think ending a romantic relationship when it's no longer sexually satisfying is very reasonable. If I don't, I'm throwing away the opportunity to be in a fulfilling relationship.
of course, to each their own.
Some people try to make their relationship work because let's face it, we all get complacent so effort must be maintained from both sides (if and where required)
Giving up on the first hurdle? Well good luck in finding someone who will keep you on your toes.
Ehh, there are people like that, such as myself. However I, and people like me come with our own sets of issues that can be serious problems for most.
Let's just say, there is a reason that my girlfriend and I do not live together, and tend to only see each other once per week. It keeps us from ever being able to get on each others nerves.
I have a VERY specific daily format; if it's time for me to be walking or lifting and you suggest we do something else, you're looking to start a fight. I get unreasonably angry about clutter and people collecting useless *kitten*, I am extremely spartan when it comes to furnishings and "stuff", I don't do "spontaneous", etc. I'm probably the last person (other than maybe those swamp people) that most modern women would want to live with.8 -
Gallowmere1984 wrote: »
Ehh, there are people like that, such as myself. However I, and people like me come with our own sets of issues that can be serious problems for most.
Let's just say, there is a reason that my girlfriend and I do not live together, and tend to only see each other once per week. It keeps us from ever being able to get on each others nerves.
I have a VERY specific daily format; if it's time for me to be walking or lifting and you suggest we do something else, you're looking to start a fight. I get unreasonably angry about clutter and people collecting useless *kitten*, I am extremely spartan when it comes to furnishings and "stuff", I don't do "spontaneous", etc. I'm probably the last person (other than maybe those swamp people) that most modern women would want to live with.
I think you make a couple of spot on points here. Every relationship is a contract, and each person has to decide what their terms are. Everyone has dealbreakers, whether it is a certain degree of weight gain, behavior change, or too many knicknacks on a shelf. The important thing is having the self awareness to communicate these needs in a mature and respectful way.
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Gallowmere1984 wrote: »
Ehh, there are people like that, such as myself. However I, and people like me come with our own sets of issues that can be serious problems for most.
Let's just say, there is a reason that my girlfriend and I do not live together, and tend to only see each other once per week. It keeps us from ever being able to get on each others nerves.
I have a VERY specific daily format; if it's time for me to be walking or lifting and you suggest we do something else, you're looking to start a fight. I get unreasonably angry about clutter and people collecting useless *kitten*, I am extremely spartan when it comes to furnishings and "stuff", I don't do "spontaneous", etc. I'm probably the last person (other than maybe those swamp people) that most modern women would want to live with.
I think you make a couple of spot on points here. Every relationship is a contract, and each person has to decide what their terms are. Everyone has dealbreakers, whether it is a certain degree of weight gain, behavior change, or too many knicknacks on a shelf. The important thing is having the self awareness to communicate these needs in a mature and respectful way.
Very much in agreement, which explains why it is so difficult to even discuss this in a group. We each have our own expectations, behaviors, biases, and baggage. What is critical is how we communicate with our significant others and quite frankly most people cannot communicate effectively. Those who have mastered communication do well - they don't make ultimatums, find common ground, and are able to persuade others. Take a review of any management vs leadership comparison and this will highlight effective qualities.3 -
They should love you regardless, love should not be conditional. However if your weight is on their mind then they can of course bring it up - in the spirit of love, not disdain - because if you love each other you should be able to talk honestly right?2
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years & 1 child togeter. He met me at my heaviest 295 lbs & recently I have started my journey and he is very considered I'm getting to thin (-75lbs) goal weight is 180 and technically its still considered overweight. At this moment he does not like how "small" ive become. Not for fear of loosing me just cause he has always been attracted to plus size women. He isnt trying to stop me or sabotage but I can tell he seems less attracted to me. At this point I don't see myself stopping until I hit goal and once I hit goal I will then re-evaluate and see if i want to continue to loose weight or maintain/tone up2
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I cannot understand at all all the "spouse can have a say if it is related to health" opinions or if it "affects activities the couple does together". Attraction is a big part of a relationship, it is not just a friendship or brotherly love, and this is true even after years together. Married couples have sex, it does not end after the first months. If one person no longer feels attracted to the other because of excessive weight gain, why should he/she pretend it is not happening or feel guilty? A sexless relationship because of medical issues is one thing. A sexless marriage because your spouse does not care he/she is no longer attractive is a different story. If one spouse can be disrespectful of the marriage and choose food over a good sex life, the other spouse does have a right to point out the problem.4
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My wife and I have this conversation on a fairly frequent basis. She tells me that I need to get back into shape, I remind her that round is a shape.12
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.
Do you think that there's a point where you would end a relationship over weight gain and if so what would that point be?
I really hope not - ive never thought to end the relationship over a little weight gain.
I'd end it if our paths completely changed and that can be a direct factor of weight gain, such as no longer enjoying hobbies together, different attitudes to life etc. I guess this would be a build up over time before such drastic measures take place.
Ending a loving relationship over a few lbs of weight is abit silly in my humble opinion. You could be throwing away something so special. Each to their own
I think ending a romantic relationship when it's no longer sexually satisfying is very reasonable. If I don't, I'm throwing away the opportunity to be in a fulfilling relationship.
What happens if sex is limited due to health issues? End it?4 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.
Do you think that there's a point where you would end a relationship over weight gain and if so what would that point be?
I really hope not - ive never thought to end the relationship over a little weight gain.
I'd end it if our paths completely changed and that can be a direct factor of weight gain, such as no longer enjoying hobbies together, different attitudes to life etc. I guess this would be a build up over time before such drastic measures take place.
Ending a loving relationship over a few lbs of weight is abit silly in my humble opinion. You could be throwing away something so special. Each to their own
I think ending a romantic relationship when it's no longer sexually satisfying is very reasonable. If I don't, I'm throwing away the opportunity to be in a fulfilling relationship.
What happens if sex is limited due to health issues? End it?
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DasItMan91 wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »Christine_72 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
I would never be that lazy enough to get obese but even if I was, I would expect my partner to give me a wake up call just like I would do to her. Plus it's good for your health and self esteem.
Blimey I can only imagine the type of support your giving to the friends you gathered here
Newsflash, I got no one on my friend's list nor do I want anyone on my friend's list.
Newsflash, that doesnt surprise me9 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Gallowmere1984 wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »Christine_72 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
I would never be that lazy enough to get obese but even if I was, I would expect my partner to give me a wake up call just like I would do to her. Plus it's good for your health and self esteem.
Blimey I can only imagine the type of support your giving to the friends you gathered here
Probably the useful kind. I'll take someone leading by example over a million "it's okay that you're a repeat failure, just...erm...keep up the...ehhh, good work" any day. Consolation only gets one but so far. Leaders are generally more helpful than coddlers.
I accomplish this by being completely open with my own failures on my feed. Granted, I have no food issues anymore, but I still fall short of goals in training, have days where I had to bail on my session early because of work, etc. I let these things be known, because it helps people to realize that *kitten* happens, even to those who have been somewhat successful with changing themselves. People usually don't need "poor you". I prefer to provide constant "keep nutting the *kitten* up, and don't let a single bad thing derail you" examples, without having to be direct or consolatory about it.
You have two options when you fall down:
You can lay there.
You can get back up.
Nobody ever crossed a finish line by laying down in the middle of the race. I prefer to be around people who tell me to sack up and get my *kitten* off the ground rather than those who bring the tissues to the pity party, and I'm not going to coddle anyone else, either.
does that coddling comment depend on the situation, or you just use that one blanket approach for everything?2 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.
Do you think that there's a point where you would end a relationship over weight gain and if so what would that point be?
I really hope not - ive never thought to end the relationship over a little weight gain.
I'd end it if our paths completely changed and that can be a direct factor of weight gain, such as no longer enjoying hobbies together, different attitudes to life etc. I guess this would be a build up over time before such drastic measures take place.
Ending a loving relationship over a few lbs of weight is abit silly in my humble opinion. You could be throwing away something so special. Each to their own
I think ending a romantic relationship when it's no longer sexually satisfying is very reasonable. If I don't, I'm throwing away the opportunity to be in a fulfilling relationship.
What happens if sex is limited due to health issues? End it?
This is an argument I cannot understand, no matter how many times I read it. A health issue, like an accident or a disabling illness, or even a high rish pregnancy, it is not a choice. Being obese is a choice, it is not an illness.7 -
For those that will divorce over weight gain, do you consider what it will do to your kids? Do you have this serious convo and at first wait for progression, or is it - the attraction is gone, I'm gone - worry about the kids later? I'm saying it in a joking way, but is attraction #1 over the family you have built? Do the vows even matter? I'm not being snarky, this is helping me understand how serious this subject is. Because I would never want to make my future husband feel the way some of you stated you would feel after weight gain.8
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Why is anorexia an illness, but not food addiction?2
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Do you all think it would be easier to stay in a relationship with someone who suffers from anorexia vs a super fat person?0
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You have to eat a certain amount of food when you're pregnant. If you are taking medicine that slows your metabolism, and you are on bed rest, you might gain weight. It isn't a sign of weakness or laziness to do so. Pregnant women in situations like my friend are given diets they have to follow so it isn't even up to them what they eat. If you were a doctor, you'd understand that you can't restrict calories too much when pregnant, especially if you are in a high risk pregnancy.
You also can't move a heck of a lot on bed rest either. Not much of a calorie burn there. So yes potential for weight gain. Been there, done that, twice.3 -
Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Gallowmere1984 wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »Christine_72 wrote: »DasItMan91 wrote: »If some chick I was dating got too big,I would tell her that she needs to lose weight, if she doesn't want to, I'll just dump her. Now if your partner was already big or thin to begin with then that means that's what you were attracted to but if they gradually got lazy over time then yeah you need to tell them. If you're not attracted to someone anymore, you might as well try to make them more attractive to you again instead of doing something like cheating on them.
And i presume you'd expect the same treatment if it was you who gained weight?
I would never be that lazy enough to get obese but even if I was, I would expect my partner to give me a wake up call just like I would do to her. Plus it's good for your health and self esteem.
Blimey I can only imagine the type of support your giving to the friends you gathered here
Probably the useful kind. I'll take someone leading by example over a million "it's okay that you're a repeat failure, just...erm...keep up the...ehhh, good work" any day. Consolation only gets one but so far. Leaders are generally more helpful than coddlers.
I accomplish this by being completely open with my own failures on my feed. Granted, I have no food issues anymore, but I still fall short of goals in training, have days where I had to bail on my session early because of work, etc. I let these things be known, because it helps people to realize that *kitten* happens, even to those who have been somewhat successful with changing themselves. People usually don't need "poor you". I prefer to provide constant "keep nutting the *kitten* up, and don't let a single bad thing derail you" examples, without having to be direct or consolatory about it.
You have two options when you fall down:
You can lay there.
You can get back up.
Nobody ever crossed a finish line by laying down in the middle of the race. I prefer to be around people who tell me to sack up and get my *kitten* off the ground rather than those who bring the tissues to the pity party, and I'm not going to coddle anyone else, either.
does that coddling comment depend on the situation, or you just use that one blanket approach for everything?
I give someone a short opportunity to have their disappointment and then it's done. I won't throw pity parties.heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »a relationship is about honesty.
A partner has every right to comment on weight gain/loss irrespective of whether its a health concern.
Don't know about the rest of you and although physical attractiveness is high up in the initial part of the relationship and cemented for the rest, it doesn't mean we have turned completely blind - I'd rather voice my concerns to my partner than ogle over other people to get my 2 seconds of lust.
Do you mean that you would still be attracted to someone even if they got fat?
Would I love them just as much? Ofcourse.
Will I find them attractive? Really difficult to answer at this moment because it's not an issue.
Will I tell them they are gaining weight and it is rather noticeable? definitely.
Will I give them a hard time? no way, thats horrible.
Do you think that there's a point where you would end a relationship over weight gain and if so what would that point be?
I really hope not - ive never thought to end the relationship over a little weight gain.
I'd end it if our paths completely changed and that can be a direct factor of weight gain, such as no longer enjoying hobbies together, different attitudes to life etc. I guess this would be a build up over time before such drastic measures take place.
Ending a loving relationship over a few lbs of weight is abit silly in my humble opinion. You could be throwing away something so special. Each to their own
I think ending a romantic relationship when it's no longer sexually satisfying is very reasonable. If I don't, I'm throwing away the opportunity to be in a fulfilling relationship.
What happens if sex is limited due to health issues? End it?
This is an argument I cannot understand, no matter how many times I read it. A health issue, like an accident or a disabling illness, or even a high rish pregnancy, it is not a choice. Being obese is a choice, it is not an illness.
Might make me sound like a jerk, but I'd still be unable to stay in a monogamous relationship in that case.STLBADGIRL wrote: »For those that will divorce over weight gain, do you consider what it will do to your kids? Do you have this serious convo and at first wait for progression, or is it - the attraction is gone, I'm gone - worry about the kids later? I'm saying it in a joking way, but is attraction #1 over the family you have built? Do the vows even matter? I'm not being snarky, this is helping me understand how serious this subject is. Because I would never want to make my future husband feel the way some of you stated you would feel after weight gain.
Nobody should feel trapped in a relationship that is making them miserable because of children. Relationship with the children is a separate beast from the relationship with their other parent.STLBADGIRL wrote: »Do you all think it would be easier to stay in a relationship with someone who suffers from anorexia vs a super fat person?
I wouldn't stay in a relationship with either one if the other person weren't actually fixing the problem.0
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