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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
The quote actually says "Not bad. They are Ok". It does not say "They look disgusting (to me, depending on who I am)". No offense, but I think that believing you can feel attracted to someone despite the physical aspect, it is something only happens in young adult novels, or romances targeted to older women who would like to think that them no longer looking good does not matter (yes, this is me, I am not judging older women).
It is not all about the looks, someone who just is ok can be very attractive based on personality. But someone who looks (again, based on each individual's personal standards) repulsive? Not likely.
Exactly.
Personality can't override it if someone is physically unattractive to me. If looking at them is a turnoff, that's not a thing I can just ignore or override because they're nice of funny or smart. I can be friends with someone I'm not attracted to. Might even love them. But it will be platonic, not romantic, unless the physical attraction is there. It precludes a monogamous commitment to them.
It's funny that these examples of fictional stories have been brought up to show that looks don't matter, but in every single one of them it's a normal weight man talking to a normal weight woman. None of them are overweight or obese. The author of Fifty Shades is an obese middle aged woman who wrote a fantasy story about an abusive relationship she calls BDSM, but she made the female main character young and thin. It's not a story about a young, fit, physically healthy billionaire falling in love with an obese woman. Why not? Probably because that wouldn't sell millions of books and become a movie that anyone would pay to see.
Physical attraction matters. To what degree it does varies between individuals, but evolution wired us to get turned on by markers of good health and turned off by markers that indicate poor health. Being overweight or obese is not a signifier of good health. It isn't unreasonable to have physical sexual attraction be a deal breaker in a monogamous relationship. It's logical to not promise sexual fidelity to someone who doesn't meet your sexual needs, and regardless of what anyone has said in this thread, I think it's fair to actually discuss that with your partner even if it comes to ending the relationship.
Regardless of what's been said in this thread?
People have shared stories of relationships that haven't ended over these issues.
You might think it's fair, obviously other people don't.
And I'll go you one better. You evolution argument? It's pants. My husband was very overweight when I met him. I fell for the man he was. He's about 50 pounds thinner now, 30 years later, than he was when I first met him.
Bottom line? Keep speaking just for yourself. You do you. That's your prerogative. My Nan used to say every pot had a lid. I'm sure someone out there will meet your stringent standards one of these days.
So, you are saying that you are attracted to overweight people or that weight is not important to you. Great, this is the same for many people. But why should it be the same for everyone?
I'm not saying it should be the same for everyone. I'm saying that her argument didn't hold up universally.0 -
And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.
There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.
Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"
No. You are misunderstanding what's happening in this thread, I think.
We're arguing about the sudden dumping after time.
The physical attraction at first blush thing came later. I didn't, in fact, think my husband was all that attractive when I first met him.
However, what you're reading into this, or inferring here, is the bit "and you should do the same thing".
What's being said is "we don't grok this ish" - that "ish" being dumping a partner after two months of not making an effort to lose weight in a long standing relationship.2 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.
There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.
Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"
This is an accurate observation.
No, no it's not. You're inferring that.
We're attempting to understand you're thinking because it's hard to wrap our minds around it.3 -
It might be worth mentioning that most adults in the U.S. and in many other western countries are overweight or obese. And the vast majority of them are married and have made babies.
As a matter of fact, most adults in the whole world are not attractive at all. They're mostly rather ugly, physically speaking - even if they're not fat. Again, the vast majority of them are married with offspring.
Yes, yes. I know there are some exceptions. I'm just talking about the 85% majority. Through it all, people choose to tolerate each others' grossness and get together anyway - over the long term even!
Physical attraction is not the same as being beautiful from an artistic point of view. Someone can look beautiful and yet not be attractive and of course the opposite. I have no idea where the 85% of people being ugly comes from, and this is how you feel and you need to compromise in sexual partners and tolerate what you perceive as their grossness, I am very sorry for you. To me, very few people are ugly, most people, and especially young people, are beautiful to me eyes or at least have some beautiful features.
By the way, this is not a site frequented by Americans only. I have no idea if it truly is as hard as you say to find a normal weight partner in US, and in this case, I would expect that obesity is somehow normalised if this is true?2 -
It might be worth mentioning that most adults in the U.S. and in many other western countries are overweight or obese. And the vast majority of them are married and have made babies.
As a matter of fact, most adults in the whole world are not attractive at all. They're mostly rather ugly, physically speaking - even if they're not fat. Again, the vast majority of them are married with offspring.
Yes, yes. I know there are some exceptions. I'm just talking about the 85% majority. Through it all, people choose to tolerate each others' grossness and get together anyway - over the long term even!
One can only presume people who have the luxury of placing such a high value on conventional physical attractiveness offer something of equal or greater value as a partner than the average individual. Most of us mere ordinary humans recognize that we are rather imperfect in a number of ways, and accept our partners as such.
So much this!!!!!! You better be rocking a damn 8 pack if you expect such high standards out of me.5 -
It might be worth mentioning that most adults in the U.S. and in many other western countries are overweight or obese. And the vast majority of them are married and have made babies.
As a matter of fact, most adults in the whole world are not attractive at all. They're mostly rather ugly, physically speaking - even if they're not fat. Again, the vast majority of them are married with offspring.
Yes, yes. I know there are some exceptions. I'm just talking about the 85% majority. Through it all, people choose to tolerate each others' grossness and get together anyway - over the long term even!
One can only presume people who have the luxury of placing such a high value on conventional physical attractiveness offer something of equal or greater value as a partner than the average individual. Most of us mere ordinary humans recognize that we are rather imperfect in a number of ways, and accept our partners as such.Chef_Barbell wrote: »It might be worth mentioning that most adults in the U.S. and in many other western countries are overweight or obese. And the vast majority of them are married and have made babies.
As a matter of fact, most adults in the whole world are not attractive at all. They're mostly rather ugly, physically speaking - even if they're not fat. Again, the vast majority of them are married with offspring.
Yes, yes. I know there are some exceptions. I'm just talking about the 85% majority. Through it all, people choose to tolerate each others' grossness and get together anyway - over the long term even!
One can only presume people who have the luxury of placing such a high value on conventional physical attractiveness offer something of equal or greater value as a partner than the average individual. Most of us mere ordinary humans recognize that we are rather imperfect in a number of ways, and accept our partners as such.
So much this!!!!!! You better be rocking a damn 8 pack if you expect such high standards out of me.
I am a reasonably fit person of normal weight. I expect the same of a partner.It might be worth mentioning that most adults in the U.S. and in many other western countries are overweight or obese. And the vast majority of them are married and have made babies.
As a matter of fact, most adults in the whole world are not attractive at all. They're mostly rather ugly, physically speaking - even if they're not fat. Again, the vast majority of them are married with offspring.
Yes, yes. I know there are some exceptions. I'm just talking about the 85% majority. Through it all, people choose to tolerate each others' grossness and get together anyway - over the long term even!
Physical attraction is not the same as being beautiful from an artistic point of view. Someone can look beautiful and yet not be attractive and of course the opposite. I have no idea where the 85% of people being ugly comes from, and this is how you feel and you need to compromise in sexual partners and tolerate what you perceive as their grossness, I am very sorry for you. To me, very few people are ugly, most people, and especially young people, are beautiful to me eyes or at least have some beautiful features.
By the way, this is not a site frequented by Americans only. I have no idea if it truly is as hard as you say to find a normal weight partner in US, and in this case, I would expect that obesity is somehow normalised if this is true?
Obesity is normalized to the point that people who are healthy, normal weight and fit are frequently told to go eat a sandwich and that they look anorexic. Not being attracted to the overweight and obese means I've got about 33% of the population who are potentially attractive out of the gate, so it narrows the field a lot.
As far as people's characterization of ending a relationship instantly, or after "two months" without losing weight, I think that's more about how they want to view me than it is about me. It takes longer than two months to go from fit to overweight, and it's not like I'd wait until my bags are packed to bring it up. If after multiple discussions about weight gain and the effects on the relationship nothing changes at all, my choice is to end the relationship due to the lack of attraction no loss of compatibility. The other options for me are to be abstinent or cheat, both of which I find more distasteful than splitting up.5 -
GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.
There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.
Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"
No. You are misunderstanding what's happening in this thread, I think.
We're arguing about the sudden dumping after time.
The physical attraction at first blush thing came later. I didn't, in fact, think my husband was all that attractive when I first met him.
However, what you're reading into this, or inferring here, is the bit "and you should do the same thing".
What's being said is "we don't grok this ish" - that "ish" being dumping a partner after two months of not making an effort to lose weight in a long standing relationship.
This was not my impression. The question was whether someone should comment on a romantic partner's weight gain or loss. One poster said that he/she would comment, explain that he/she is not attracted by the body changes, would expect these remarks to be heard and if nothing changed, he/she would eventually leave. The timeline, the sudden leaving a partner etc, I think these were mostly random assumptions.3 -
GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.
There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.
Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"
No. You are misunderstanding what's happening in this thread, I think.
We're arguing about the sudden dumping after time.
The physical attraction at first blush thing came later. I didn't, in fact, think my husband was all that attractive when I first met him.
However, what you're reading into this, or inferring here, is the bit "and you should do the same thing".
What's being said is "we don't grok this ish" - that "ish" being dumping a partner after two months of not making an effort to lose weight in a long standing relationship.
This was not my impression. The question was whether someone should comment on a romantic partner's weight gain or loss. One poster said that he/she would comment, explain that he/she is not attracted by the body changes, would expect these remarks to be heard and if nothing changed, he/she would eventually leave. The timeline, the sudden leaving a partner etc, I think these were mostly random assumptions.
There would be nothing sudden about it. Especially not since fitness and activities are a big part of sharing a common lifestyle in the first place, so those expectations are part of the conversation and relationship from day one. It's built into the things we do together. It's who we are, and why we're compatible in the first place.2 -
One poster said that he/she would comment, explain that he/she is not attracted by the body changes, would expect these remarks to be heard and if nothing changed, he/she would eventually leave. The timeline, the sudden leaving a partner etc, I think these were mostly random assumptions.
Lots of people said they would comment (most people, I think).
The timeline: say something after 5 lbs, say something after 10, leave if the person became overweight and didn't fix it after a month or two was specifically said in this thread. That's what largely provoked the discussion around that.
It's also really quite easy to still be active and into an active lifestyle and gain the weight necessary to be overweight (say, for me, from 125 to 142 or so). I think I look better at 125, but I've been at my most active and capable when a little overweight at times.5 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »It might be worth mentioning that most adults in the U.S. and in many other western countries are overweight or obese. And the vast majority of them are married and have made babies.
As a matter of fact, most adults in the whole world are not attractive at all. They're mostly rather ugly, physically speaking - even if they're not fat. Again, the vast majority of them are married with offspring.
Yes, yes. I know there are some exceptions. I'm just talking about the 85% majority. Through it all, people choose to tolerate each others' grossness and get together anyway - over the long term even!
One can only presume people who have the luxury of placing such a high value on conventional physical attractiveness offer something of equal or greater value as a partner than the average individual. Most of us mere ordinary humans recognize that we are rather imperfect in a number of ways, and accept our partners as such.Chef_Barbell wrote: »It might be worth mentioning that most adults in the U.S. and in many other western countries are overweight or obese. And the vast majority of them are married and have made babies.
As a matter of fact, most adults in the whole world are not attractive at all. They're mostly rather ugly, physically speaking - even if they're not fat. Again, the vast majority of them are married with offspring.
Yes, yes. I know there are some exceptions. I'm just talking about the 85% majority. Through it all, people choose to tolerate each others' grossness and get together anyway - over the long term even!
One can only presume people who have the luxury of placing such a high value on conventional physical attractiveness offer something of equal or greater value as a partner than the average individual. Most of us mere ordinary humans recognize that we are rather imperfect in a number of ways, and accept our partners as such.
So much this!!!!!! You better be rocking a damn 8 pack if you expect such high standards out of me.
I am a reasonably fit person of normal weight. I expect the same of a partner.
You've made it clear that you are drawing the line at BMI 25 (unless the person is unusually muscular) and see even 24 as not great -- you said that in this thread. IMO, weight gain from 22 (or whatever) to 24 or 25 doesn't happen overnight unless something else is going on (it can happen during times of huge stress when I know I wouldn't be able to find useful a partner telling me I am getting fat on top of whatever else is up, even though I am working on being able to not react to stress with eating myself and have gotten much, much better). More often, of course, it happens somewhat gradually, but that's one reason why I find it hard to understand that you'd find gradual weight gain of that sort makes the person completely unattractive when this is someone you love and have a longterm relationship with, in theory.
But like I said before, your business. The reason I'm posting again is you say that you are reasonably fit and of a normal weight and expect that of a partner, but back in March (so not much more than a month ago) you posted you were 24.8. I get you are still losing weight, but given how recently you must have been overweight yourself, then, this does seem rather unforgiving or -- perhaps -- more about how you feel about yourself for having been overweight.9 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Does having certain things you find physically unattractive make you a bad person?
'bad' person is just as subjective as 'ugly' person. so to answer you within those subjective terms:
no, but being so over-the-top aggressive about the 'disgusting laziness' of a person who fails to have the right effect on your dick . . . well, it's a compatibility filter if nothing else. you're efficiently narrowing your own selection pool down to only those people who don't find it chilling/repellent, i guess.
it's moot to me whether dumping someone for not keeping your libido happy is 'bad' or not. i'm just a little bit shocked by the hate. incompatibility doesn't seem to me like grounds for contempt and detestation, so speaking entirely personally that is what bothers me more.6 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Perhaps these "deal breakers" should be disclosed UP FRONT.
I have stated before in this thread that I do discuss deal breakers up front.
Not just those related to fitness, activity, and attraction but a lot of things like religion and kids. This is not something that I would spring on a person after years of being together.
i'll say this about deal breakers, for what it's worth.
ime, not many people lie right outright, in straight-up bad faith, in a 'dealbreaker' talk. there are various very human and forgivable factors involved, most of the time. it takes time and life to even realise which things about your own self are going to turn out to be ineradicable and inherent to you, so ime you can only be as truthful as you know how to be at that point in time anyway.
so *kitten* happens, sure. but at the bad end of any relationship, i feel like most people need to be given at least some degree of credit for the fact they were sincere at the time they undertook to always be x or y, even if it turns out they were wrong.
i'm not sure i'm in favour of 'dealbreaker' lists at the beginning of something. on the one hand, it's too hard for even the respondent to know whether they're being misleading or not. on the other hand, i went through most of my 20s'/30's/40's looking like gidget/gidget's mom/gidget's grandma, so an awful lot of implicit assumptions and projections have been laid on me without the person spelling them out up front where i could refute them out loud. it gets old being punished further on down the road for not being whatever the other person only assumed you would be.2 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »I am a reasonably fit person of normal weight. I expect the same of a partner.
This gets to the heart of it. Many here are pretending that those of us who would not be in a relationship with an obese person would dump our SO without warning if their weight hits a certain number. That's not the case (and I can't imagine what kind of relationships they're in that would make them come to that conclusion).
I'm a relatively active, fit person. Unless my SO is handicapped in some way, I expect her to be as well - this is something we've shared since the beginning, and that's valuable to me. I haven't pretended otherwise.
One doesn't go from fit to obese overnight. If she chooses obesity, there will be a long transitional period where we'll communicate about our thoughts, desires, and expectations, just as we have throughout the rest of our relationship.
We don't have kids, so if we choose to go our separate ways, that's fine. That's what adults who grow apart should do.
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xmichaelyx wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »I am a reasonably fit person of normal weight. I expect the same of a partner.
This gets to the heart of it. Many here are pretending that those of us who would not be in a relationship with an obese person would dump our SO without warning if their weight hits a certain number. That's not the case (and I can't imagine what kind of relationships they're in that would make them come to that conclusion).
I'm a relatively active, fit person. Unless my SO is handicapped in some way, I expect her to be as well - this is something we've shared since the beginning, and that's valuable to me. I haven't pretended otherwise.
One doesn't go from fit to obese overnight. If she chooses obesity, there will be a long transitional period where we'll communicate about our thoughts, desires, and expectations, just as we have throughout the rest of our relationship.
We don't have kids, so if we choose to go our separate ways, that's fine. That's what adults who grow apart should do.
People here have also made some hay over my weight and whether I'm actually a reasonably fit person because at one point I was overweight.
I ran a 13 mile training run yesterday. That is not something an unfit person does.
Do I expect my SO to be a distance runner? Not specifically, unless that was a personal choice for type of activity. But I do want someone who can and will go hiking, bicycling, motorcycling, rafting, kayaking, paint balling, caving, swimming, to the gym, and perhaps be a teammate for a tough mudder or a spartan race.3 -
Wait, what, so the *d* word gets a pass but we gotta *kitten* and *asparagus* everything else?
Just saying.5 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »
I ran a 13 mile training run yesterday. That is not something an unfit person does.
Actually, this is an awful metric, and I think that's the point some people are trying to make. You don't have to be a normal BMI to be active. I've never been a normal BMI. I've run 3 marathons and many half marathons. I put on 50 pounds when my husband died (on my still-overweight frame) and still did a half marathon. A friend has always been about the same size as me and has done ultra-marathons.
I kayak. I hike and camp.
Were many of these things more comfortable at a lower weight? Absolutely.
Are they only doable at a normal-BMI weight? Absolutely NOT.12 -
GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.
There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.
Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"
No. You are misunderstanding what's happening in this thread, I think.
We're arguing about the sudden dumping after time.
The physical attraction at first blush thing came later. I didn't, in fact, think my husband was all that attractive when I first met him.
However, what you're reading into this, or inferring here, is the bit "and you should do the same thing".
What's being said is "we don't grok this ish" - that "ish" being dumping a partner after two months of not making an effort to lose weight in a long standing relationship.
This was not my impression. The question was whether someone should comment on a romantic partner's weight gain or loss. One poster said that he/she would comment, explain that he/she is not attracted by the body changes, would expect these remarks to be heard and if nothing changed, he/she would eventually leave. The timeline, the sudden leaving a partner etc, I think these were mostly random assumptions.
She made it clear she was drawing the line at a BMI of 25, and that might not be very much weight depending on the height of an individual. A person can participate in fitness activities all along while conversations are taking place, but a given stressor that is leading to weight gain might still be in place longer than the conversations playing out are allowing for.
A post was made by, I think lemurcat asking about this, spelling out specifics on weights and such given the parameters set out by the poster in question and it was never addressed.
No one is assuming any sudden leaving.3 -
I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).
In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.
I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.
I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.
Women don't speak up enough about this.
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »
I ran a 13 mile training run yesterday. That is not something an unfit person does.
Actually, this is an awful metric, and I think that's the point some people are trying to make. You don't have to be a normal BMI to be active. I've never been a normal BMI. I've run 3 marathons and many half marathons. I put on 50 pounds when my husband died (on my still-overweight frame) and still did a half marathon. A friend has always been about the same size as me and has done ultra-marathons.
I kayak. I hike and camp.
Were many of these things more comfortable at a lower weight? Absolutely.
Are they only doable at a normal-BMI weight? Absolutely NOT.
What's your mile pace?
To be frank, I've heard that whole "But I'm active! I'll go hiking!" before, and been burned by it because although they technically could do it, it was much more slowly and not nearly for as long as I could. That did not make for a fun time. Being overweight affects performance in a negative way.3 -
I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).
In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.
I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.
I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.
Women don't speak up enough about this.
i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.
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SpotLighttt wrote: »I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).
In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.
I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.
I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.
Women don't speak up enough about this.
i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.
Quite a few people assumed that I was a man because of my opinion and not being attracted to overweight or obese people. It seems like some are still hanging on to that, and at least a couple are trying to convince me that they're the exception to my misogynist standards.
As far as being cowered by a pile-on, that's about as likely to happen as me suddenly deciding that fat is sexy or gravity suddenly reversing itself.
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My personal situation:
I was 95 lbs when I started dating my now husband. We got married 6 years later, and I was 130 lbs. He loved that I was finally a healthy weight, and while he never criticized me for being underweight, he did tell me that he worried about it. 4 years and 2 babies later, I'm up to 185 lbs. I told him I was worried about my weight because I was not the "thin" wife that he married. He let me know that it didn't matter what weight/size I am, as long as I am healthy. This is a big change from the guy I first met, who could "only see himself with thinner girls", because I am far from that now! But he hasn't changed towards me; if anything, he's encouraging. When I say something about my stomach/weight, he says " you just had 2 kids back to back. It'll take some time, but you can lose it if you want to". Never does her say I NEED to, just that I can do it if I WANT to.7 -
SpotLighttt wrote: »I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).
In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.
I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.
I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.
Women don't speak up enough about this.
i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.
I don't see anyone being nasty, but hey if it's good enough for HRC I guess it's good enough for me.6 -
SpotLighttt wrote: »I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).
In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.
I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.
I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.
Women don't speak up enough about this.
i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.
Yeah no.... No one was nasty. This is a debate thread and people will have opinions. Period.9 -
My personal situation:
I was 95 lbs when I started dating my now husband. We got married 6 years later, and I was 130 lbs. He loved that I was finally a healthy weight, and while he never criticized me for being underweight, he did tell me that he worried about it. 4 years and 2 babies later, I'm up to 185 lbs. I told him I was worried about my weight because I was not the "thin" wife that he married. He let me know that it didn't matter what weight/size I am, as long as I am healthy. This is a big change from the guy I first met, who could "only see himself with thinner girls", because I am far from that now! But he hasn't changed towards me; if anything, he's encouraging. When I say something about my stomach/weight, he says " you just had 2 kids back to back. It'll take some time, but you can lose it if you want to". Never does her say I NEED to, just that I can do it if I WANT to.
he is very supportive and the perfect man but this is all semantics I reckon. Not because I am dubious or trying to disrespect anyone but because I believe, even though he sees past all your "changes" because he loves you and cares for you and in turn doesn't want to you. Even despite all of this, given the choice and if he's honest to himself then he probably prefers the thinner you.
People can't change what they sexually desire, they can re-prioritize but their likes/dislikes cannot be forced which is why I find this thread somewhat disturbing at times because on one hand, people desire openness and honesty and on the other hand, the very same honest approach can lead people into a lot of trouble.
this isnt aimed at you, just a follow on from what you said.
5 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).
In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.
I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.
I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.
Women don't speak up enough about this.
i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.
Quite a few people assumed that I was a man because of my opinion and not being attracted to overweight or obese people. It seems like some are still hanging on to that, and at least a couple are trying to convince me that they're the exception to my misogynist standards.
As far as being cowered by a pile-on, that's about as likely to happen as me suddenly deciding that fat is sexy or gravity suddenly reversing itself.
Knowing that fat people are unattractive how come you let yourself get fat6 -
I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).
In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.
I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.
I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.
Women don't speak up enough about this.
I... I'm not sure how to word this. I'm 5'4 and have weighed between 130 and 150 for most of my marriage (I'm 170 at the moment). At times my husband has had 100+ pounds on me. If you feel things are being dislocated or internal organs are being crushed, he's doing it wrong :huh:
(I don't think you're being literal here, but the thought that a large man and a small woman can't do the deed without physical danger to her is somewhat ridiculous to me)
ETA also, my spouse smells quite nice.22 -
SpotLighttt wrote: »My personal situation:
I was 95 lbs when I started dating my now husband. We got married 6 years later, and I was 130 lbs. He loved that I was finally a healthy weight, and while he never criticized me for being underweight, he did tell me that he worried about it. 4 years and 2 babies later, I'm up to 185 lbs. I told him I was worried about my weight because I was not the "thin" wife that he married. He let me know that it didn't matter what weight/size I am, as long as I am healthy. This is a big change from the guy I first met, who could "only see himself with thinner girls", because I am far from that now! But he hasn't changed towards me; if anything, he's encouraging. When I say something about my stomach/weight, he says " you just had 2 kids back to back. It'll take some time, but you can lose it if you want to". Never does her say I NEED to, just that I can do it if I WANT to.
he is very supportive and the perfect man but this is all semantics I reckon. Not because I am dubious or trying to disrespect anyone but because I believe, even though he sees past all your "changes" because he loves you and cares for you and in turn doesn't want to you. Even despite all of this, given the choice and if he's honest to himself then he probably prefers the thinner you.
People can't change what they sexually desire, they can re-prioritize but their likes/dislikes cannot be forced which is why I find this thread somewhat disturbing at times because on one hand, people desire openness and honesty and on the other hand, the very same honest approach can lead people into a lot of trouble.
this isnt aimed at you, just a follow on from what you said.
This is projection. How do you know what he wants and what has changed about his preferences?4 -
Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).
In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.
I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.
I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.
Women don't speak up enough about this.
i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.
Quite a few people assumed that I was a man because of my opinion and not being attracted to overweight or obese people. It seems like some are still hanging on to that, and at least a couple are trying to convince me that they're the exception to my misogynist standards.
As far as being cowered by a pile-on, that's about as likely to happen as me suddenly deciding that fat is sexy or gravity suddenly reversing itself.
Knowing that fat people are unattractive how come you let yourself get fat
Stupid, lazy, bad decisions that were entirely my fault. There's no excuse. It was a personal failure.
Operative word is was. The problem has been corrected and will not recur.7 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »My personal situation:
I was 95 lbs when I started dating my now husband. We got married 6 years later, and I was 130 lbs. He loved that I was finally a healthy weight, and while he never criticized me for being underweight, he did tell me that he worried about it. 4 years and 2 babies later, I'm up to 185 lbs. I told him I was worried about my weight because I was not the "thin" wife that he married. He let me know that it didn't matter what weight/size I am, as long as I am healthy. This is a big change from the guy I first met, who could "only see himself with thinner girls", because I am far from that now! But he hasn't changed towards me; if anything, he's encouraging. When I say something about my stomach/weight, he says " you just had 2 kids back to back. It'll take some time, but you can lose it if you want to". Never does her say I NEED to, just that I can do it if I WANT to.
he is very supportive and the perfect man but this is all semantics I reckon. Not because I am dubious or trying to disrespect anyone but because I believe, even though he sees past all your "changes" because he loves you and cares for you and in turn doesn't want to you. Even despite all of this, given the choice and if he's honest to himself then he probably prefers the thinner you.
People can't change what they sexually desire, they can re-prioritize but their likes/dislikes cannot be forced which is why I find this thread somewhat disturbing at times because on one hand, people desire openness and honesty and on the other hand, the very same honest approach can lead people into a lot of trouble.
this isnt aimed at you, just a follow on from what you said.
This is projection. How do you know what he wants and what has changed about his preferences?
don't believe I said I know. Where did you read it?
0
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