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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

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Replies

  • canadianlbs
    canadianlbs Posts: 5,199 Member
    Nixi3Knox wrote: »
    Perhaps these "deal breakers" should be disclosed UP FRONT.

    I have stated before in this thread that I do discuss deal breakers up front.

    Not just those related to fitness, activity, and attraction but a lot of things like religion and kids. This is not something that I would spring on a person after years of being together.

    i'll say this about deal breakers, for what it's worth.

    ime, not many people lie right outright, in straight-up bad faith, in a 'dealbreaker' talk. there are various very human and forgivable factors involved, most of the time. it takes time and life to even realise which things about your own self are going to turn out to be ineradicable and inherent to you, so ime you can only be as truthful as you know how to be at that point in time anyway.

    so *kitten* happens, sure. but at the bad end of any relationship, i feel like most people need to be given at least some degree of credit for the fact they were sincere at the time they undertook to always be x or y, even if it turns out they were wrong.

    i'm not sure i'm in favour of 'dealbreaker' lists at the beginning of something. on the one hand, it's too hard for even the respondent to know whether they're being misleading or not. on the other hand, i went through most of my 20s'/30's/40's looking like gidget/gidget's mom/gidget's grandma, so an awful lot of implicit assumptions and projections have been laid on me without the person spelling them out up front where i could refute them out loud. it gets old being punished further on down the road for not being whatever the other person only assumed you would be.
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
    xmichaelyx wrote: »
    I am a reasonably fit person of normal weight. I expect the same of a partner.

    This gets to the heart of it. Many here are pretending that those of us who would not be in a relationship with an obese person would dump our SO without warning if their weight hits a certain number. That's not the case (and I can't imagine what kind of relationships they're in that would make them come to that conclusion).

    I'm a relatively active, fit person. Unless my SO is handicapped in some way, I expect her to be as well - this is something we've shared since the beginning, and that's valuable to me. I haven't pretended otherwise.

    One doesn't go from fit to obese overnight. If she chooses obesity, there will be a long transitional period where we'll communicate about our thoughts, desires, and expectations, just as we have throughout the rest of our relationship.

    We don't have kids, so if we choose to go our separate ways, that's fine. That's what adults who grow apart should do.

    People here have also made some hay over my weight and whether I'm actually a reasonably fit person because at one point I was overweight.

    I ran a 13 mile training run yesterday. That is not something an unfit person does.

    Do I expect my SO to be a distance runner? Not specifically, unless that was a personal choice for type of activity. But I do want someone who can and will go hiking, bicycling, motorcycling, rafting, kayaking, paint balling, caving, swimming, to the gym, and perhaps be a teammate for a tough mudder or a spartan race.
  • GottaBurnEmAll
    GottaBurnEmAll Posts: 7,722 Member
    aggelikik wrote: »
    aggelikik wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.

    There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.

    Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"

    No. You are misunderstanding what's happening in this thread, I think.

    We're arguing about the sudden dumping after time.

    The physical attraction at first blush thing came later. I didn't, in fact, think my husband was all that attractive when I first met him.

    However, what you're reading into this, or inferring here, is the bit "and you should do the same thing".

    What's being said is "we don't grok this ish" - that "ish" being dumping a partner after two months of not making an effort to lose weight in a long standing relationship.

    This was not my impression. The question was whether someone should comment on a romantic partner's weight gain or loss. One poster said that he/she would comment, explain that he/she is not attracted by the body changes, would expect these remarks to be heard and if nothing changed, he/she would eventually leave. The timeline, the sudden leaving a partner etc, I think these were mostly random assumptions.

    She made it clear she was drawing the line at a BMI of 25, and that might not be very much weight depending on the height of an individual. A person can participate in fitness activities all along while conversations are taking place, but a given stressor that is leading to weight gain might still be in place longer than the conversations playing out are allowing for.

    A post was made by, I think lemurcat asking about this, spelling out specifics on weights and such given the parameters set out by the poster in question and it was never addressed.

    No one is assuming any sudden leaving.
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
    WMLizard wrote: »

    I ran a 13 mile training run yesterday. That is not something an unfit person does.

    Actually, this is an awful metric, and I think that's the point some people are trying to make. You don't have to be a normal BMI to be active. I've never been a normal BMI. I've run 3 marathons and many half marathons. I put on 50 pounds when my husband died (on my still-overweight frame) and still did a half marathon. A friend has always been about the same size as me and has done ultra-marathons.

    I kayak. I hike and camp.

    Were many of these things more comfortable at a lower weight? Absolutely.

    Are they only doable at a normal-BMI weight? Absolutely NOT.

    What's your mile pace?

    To be frank, I've heard that whole "But I'm active! I'll go hiking!" before, and been burned by it because although they technically could do it, it was much more slowly and not nearly for as long as I could. That did not make for a fun time. Being overweight affects performance in a negative way.
  • SpotLighttt
    SpotLighttt Posts: 174 Member
    Sunna_W wrote: »
    I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).

    In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.

    I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.

    I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.

    Women don't speak up enough about this.

    i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
    I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.

  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
    Sunna_W wrote: »
    I have been married twice (18 years the first time and 20 the second time).

    In addition to personality, intelligence, sense of humor and being honorable, it is important to me that my SO be healthy. In addition to bathing / grooming, being at an optimal weight is important to me for several reasons.

    I am not attracted to men who are overweight. They smell.

    I feel that I have the right to be physically safe in a relationship and I am not a large woman (I am 5'6"). A large overweight man on top of me is actually dangerous to my health and puts me at risk for injury due to shoulders and hips being dislocated and internal organs being crushed. If hubsters wants sexy time, then he better keep his weight in check. I have a battery operated boyfriend, and I am not afraid to use it.

    Women don't speak up enough about this.

    i know you are being serious but the way you expressed yourself made me laugh.
    I like that people are speaking up in this thread and not feeling cowered due to a few judgmental and nasty women. It's unbelievable how rude some posters are because one persons choices are different.

    Quite a few people assumed that I was a man because of my opinion and not being attracted to overweight or obese people. It seems like some are still hanging on to that, and at least a couple are trying to convince me that they're the exception to my misogynist standards.

    As far as being cowered by a pile-on, that's about as likely to happen as me suddenly deciding that fat is sexy or gravity suddenly reversing itself.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,656 Member
    JChole wrote: »
    My personal situation:

    I was 95 lbs when I started dating my now husband. We got married 6 years later, and I was 130 lbs. He loved that I was finally a healthy weight, and while he never criticized me for being underweight, he did tell me that he worried about it. 4 years and 2 babies later, I'm up to 185 lbs. I told him I was worried about my weight because I was not the "thin" wife that he married. He let me know that it didn't matter what weight/size I am, as long as I am healthy. This is a big change from the guy I first met, who could "only see himself with thinner girls", because I am far from that now! But he hasn't changed towards me; if anything, he's encouraging. When I say something about my stomach/weight, he says " you just had 2 kids back to back. It'll take some time, but you can lose it if you want to". Never does her say I NEED to, just that I can do it if I WANT to.

    he is very supportive and the perfect man but this is all semantics I reckon. Not because I am dubious or trying to disrespect anyone but because I believe, even though he sees past all your "changes" because he loves you and cares for you and in turn doesn't want to you. Even despite all of this, given the choice and if he's honest to himself then he probably prefers the thinner you.
    People can't change what they sexually desire, they can re-prioritize but their likes/dislikes cannot be forced which is why I find this thread somewhat disturbing at times because on one hand, people desire openness and honesty and on the other hand, the very same honest approach can lead people into a lot of trouble.

    this isnt aimed at you, just a follow on from what you said.

    This is projection. How do you know what he wants and what has changed about his preferences?
  • SpotLighttt
    SpotLighttt Posts: 174 Member
    JChole wrote: »
    My personal situation:

    I was 95 lbs when I started dating my now husband. We got married 6 years later, and I was 130 lbs. He loved that I was finally a healthy weight, and while he never criticized me for being underweight, he did tell me that he worried about it. 4 years and 2 babies later, I'm up to 185 lbs. I told him I was worried about my weight because I was not the "thin" wife that he married. He let me know that it didn't matter what weight/size I am, as long as I am healthy. This is a big change from the guy I first met, who could "only see himself with thinner girls", because I am far from that now! But he hasn't changed towards me; if anything, he's encouraging. When I say something about my stomach/weight, he says " you just had 2 kids back to back. It'll take some time, but you can lose it if you want to". Never does her say I NEED to, just that I can do it if I WANT to.

    he is very supportive and the perfect man but this is all semantics I reckon. Not because I am dubious or trying to disrespect anyone but because I believe, even though he sees past all your "changes" because he loves you and cares for you and in turn doesn't want to you. Even despite all of this, given the choice and if he's honest to himself then he probably prefers the thinner you.
    People can't change what they sexually desire, they can re-prioritize but their likes/dislikes cannot be forced which is why I find this thread somewhat disturbing at times because on one hand, people desire openness and honesty and on the other hand, the very same honest approach can lead people into a lot of trouble.

    this isnt aimed at you, just a follow on from what you said.

    This is projection. How do you know what he wants and what has changed about his preferences?

    don't believe I said I know. Where did you read it?