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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
I have to point out that this man is an amazing actor. I adored him in Broadchurch.
Are you thinking of David Tennant? This is Arthur Darvill, Rory Williams in the show.
Edit, nevermind! They're BOTH in it :laugh:
Well, there are only about five actors in England (Being silly here in case that's not obvious). They're in everything. The second Broadchurch had who else from Doctor Who... that woman from the Silurian episode and Martha's mother too.4 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
Loving someone and being interested in being in a monogamous and sexual relationship with them are two very different things.
No matter how many fictional movies someone quotes, the reality is that you don't choose what physically turns you on or off, and nobody is required to be in a monogamous and sexual relationship with someone they are not sexually attracted to. That doesn't make them a bad person for leaving.
You keep coming back to judgments of good person/bad person.
Why does it matter to you what anyone thinks if you're so sure of your position?1 -
I don't see why considering another person shallow or self - absorbed, and determining that is a bad characteristic for a long term relationship, is bad and judgmental, but considering another person fat and lazy is just personal sexual preference that is above reproach.
We all have different values in life. We don't have to think all values are equal. We may have to live with our own choices in the context of our own values.
Also this. I find the hypocrisy inherent in the "you're fat so you're lazy and not worth my time" vs. "hey don't judge me bro" laughable.10 -
WinoGelato wrote: »I've been staying out of this thread for a few days, trying to figure out why some of the attitudes in here bother me so much, and apparently bother others as well. I didn't really want to bump the thread again, but now that it has been bumped...
My feeling is that the reason that so many of us are bothered by such a hard line on this concept that a physical appearance can be such an important part of a relationship that it is worth ending things over... is that for many of us, who have been in committed relationships at healthy weights and unhealthy weights - and who now are making a commitment to become healthy again - this concept suggests that many of us would now be going through this process alone, because our partner would have ended things. At the end of the day, as we always tell people who complain on these forums about their spouse sabotaging them, it IS up to the individual to make the change, no one can do this for you. However, it certainly can help to have a supportive spouse - and if my husband (who has never been overweight, he's not particularly physically fit but he's not unfit either) decided to kick me to the curb because I didn't lose the pregnancy weight, or I kept gaining even after the kids had gotten older, then where would that put me? That is such an unfathomable thought for me, because my husband is so caring and understanding, but hypothetically, if he had said that I needed to lose the 30 lbs or he would be out the door, it wouldn't have been enough to motivate me to lose the weight I don't think. I wasn't ready to lose the weight when my youngest was 1. I wasn't even ready when he was 2. It wasn't till my own mom died that I decided it was time to stop pretending that weight gain is just what happens to all of us as we get older, and I couldn't do anything about it. If my husband had said, "I'm not attracted to you, lose the weight or I'm leaving", I don't think that would have resulted in me losing the weight to save my marriage. It would have made me an angry, bitter, overweight, divorced, single mother of two kids. But he's not like that. And when I did make up my mind to lose the weight, and have been working on it and maintaining the loss for a few years now - he was encouraging and supportive and complimentary and definitely frisky, but I never doubted the love he felt when I was overweight or now that I'm back to the lowest weight I've been since college.
And to think that there are people in this world, that would end things, over something like that, is I think why there have been such strong reactions in this thread. People change over time - they change in appearance, they change their hobbies, they change careers, they change many things. To expect that one thing must never change, no matter what circumstances life throws at you, and to have such an inflexible attitude about it - just isn't something that I can fathom as being a mature, realistic approach to life and to relationships.
Ok - back to movie quotes!
I ballooned up to my highest weight due to comfort eating thanks to depression that came with chronic illness.
I was so down deep in a pit of grief and guilt that had my husband given me an ultimatum to lose weight, I don't know what I would have done with it. It would have been beyond me to attempt, and would have added to my guilt. It also would have been beyond my ability to deal with had he left me alone to manage with two children and a house to run while feeling quite ill.
This is why I can't wrap my head around the things that are being said in this thread. I had a steadfast partner who saw me and our children through eight years of depression and anxiety and trying to get a proper diagnosis before I was able to see daylight and dig myself out of a hole I was in and start getting my life back.
I have psoriatic arthritis that went misdiagnosed for ten years. I had atypical chronic migraines that weren't treated with odd symptoms. I was in constant, chronic, unremitting pain that I felt in odd ways because I had learned to disassociate myself from pain. The constant work of disassociating myself from my pain took all my energy and I was so fatigued I barely had energy to function.
It was a very long road back to something resembling normal.
Losing weight came after getting all of the medical issues sorted out. And it came when I was ready, not when anyone else prodded me to do it.17 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
Loving someone and being interested in being in a monogamous and sexual relationship with them are two very different things.
No matter how many fictional movies someone quotes, the reality is that you don't choose what physically turns you on or off, and nobody is required to be in a monogamous and sexual relationship with someone they are not sexually attracted to. That doesn't make them a bad person for leaving.
How did I know you'd come back and take a swing at the 'fictitious movie quotes'?
Maybe somebody should've quoted Fifty Shades of Bollocks Grey instead.
Nah. We'll just stick to getting ridiculed for believing in such fairy tales as love that outlasts the ravages of time like those in the memes on the previous page.
Edited for clarity, hopefully
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GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
I have to point out that this man is an amazing actor. I adored him in Broadchurch.
Are you thinking of David Tennant? This is Arthur Darvill, Rory Williams in the show.
Edit, nevermind! They're BOTH in it :laugh:
Well, there are only about five actors in England (Being silly here in case that's not obvious). They're in everything. The second Broadchurch had who else from Doctor Who... that woman from the Silurian episode and Martha's mother too.
It does feel that way. I recognize EVERYONE when we watch British shows. 1 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
Loving someone and being interested in being in a monogamous and sexual relationship with them are two very different things.
No matter how many fictional movies someone quotes, the reality is that you don't choose what physically turns you on or off, and nobody is required to be in a monogamous and sexual relationship with someone they are not sexually attracted to. That doesn't make them a bad person for leaving.
How did I know you'd come back and take a swing at the 'fictitious movie quotes'?
Maybe somebody should've quoted Fifty Shades of Bollocks Grey instead.
Nah. We'll just get ridiculed for believing in such fairy tales as love that outlasts the ravages of time.
? the ravages in that movie had nothing to do with time.*
*DISCLAIMER: I never saw this movie; Google and Facebook spared me that0 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
Loving someone and being interested in being in a monogamous and sexual relationship with them are two very different things.
No matter how many fictional movies someone quotes, the reality is that you don't choose what physically turns you on or off, and nobody is required to be in a monogamous and sexual relationship with someone they are not sexually attracted to. That doesn't make them a bad person for leaving.
How did I know you'd come back and take a swing at the 'fictitious movie quotes'?
Maybe somebody should've quoted Fifty Shades of Bollocks Grey instead.
Nah. We'll just get ridiculed for believing in such fairy tales as love that outlasts the ravages of time.
? the ravages in that movie had nothing to do with time.*
*DISCLAIMER: I never saw this movie; Google and Facebook spared me that
50 Shades? No idea of the ravages there beyond what little I've heard my friends giggling about. I was referring to the other examples of love stories on the previous page
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Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
The quote actually says "Not bad. They are Ok". It does not say "They look disgusting (to me, depending on who I am)". No offense, but I think that believing you can feel attracted to someone despite the physical aspect, it is something only happens in young adult novels, or romances targeted to older women who would like to think that them no longer looking good does not matter (yes, this is me, I am not judging older women).
It is not all about the looks, someone who just is ok can be very attractive based on personality. But someone who looks (again, based on each individual's personal standards) repulsive? Not likely.2 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
Loving someone and being interested in being in a monogamous and sexual relationship with them are two very different things.
No matter how many fictional movies someone quotes, the reality is that you don't choose what physically turns you on or off, and nobody is required to be in a monogamous and sexual relationship with someone they are not sexually attracted to. That doesn't make them a bad person for leaving.
How did I know you'd come back and take a swing at the 'fictitious movie quotes'?
Maybe somebody should've quoted Fifty Shades of Bollocks Grey instead.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only "erotic" because Christian Grey is rich. If it took place in a trailer park, it would be an episode of Law & Order: SVU.26 -
Is some of the testimonies in here dismissed or are you alls views so solid and ridged that you refuse to have room for "Oh, I can see how that can happen" type of situation? For the record I am one that believes a conversation needs to be had with total respect of your loved one. But some of the situations here states that it was a situation or an illness that occurred - but it was something that jolted them back on the course and they lost the weight and became healthy again. It might not have been in their partner timing, BUT IT OCCURRED. Even if you did have this belief that they looked repulsive or didn't have your ideal BMI, giving up on the love of your life because of a weight issue could potentially break up your marriage and/or family prematurely.Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
The quote actually says "Not bad. They are Ok". It does not say "They look disgusting (to me, depending on who I am)". No offense, but I think that believing you can feel attracted to someone despite the physical aspect, it is something only happens in young adult novels, or romances targeted to older women who would like to think that them no longer looking good does not matter (yes, this is me, I am not judging older women).
It is not all about the looks, someone who just is ok can be very attractive based on personality. But someone who looks (again, based on each individual's personal standards) repulsive? Not likely.
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GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
That Doctor Who quote exactly describes how I feel about my husband. To me he had the weirdest looking eyes when I first met him, but within fifteen minutes of talking to him, I thought he was one of the most handsome looking men I'd ever laid eyes on. I remember watching that episode and getting all the feels because of that.
I always understood the sentiment of this but didn't quite get with Rory because I was always attracted to Arthur Darvill. They were always trying to minimise his handsomeness and make him the Every Man but you can't fight that kind of cute.
When you love someone, you love the entirety of them so if my SO gained any amount of weight I can't say that would change how I feel. But if we reached health problem territory then we'd have to have a conversation because I love them and I've seen what diabetes does to a person, someone I love very much, eating them from the inside out, ruining their quality of life, and while I would never leave my SO, I think I'd have to force a change if they refused to.2 -
Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
The quote actually says "Not bad. They are Ok". It does not say "They look disgusting (to me, depending on who I am)". No offense, but I think that believing you can feel attracted to someone despite the physical aspect, it is something only happens in young adult novels, or romances targeted to older women who would like to think that them no longer looking good does not matter (yes, this is me, I am not judging older women).
It is not all about the looks, someone who just is ok can be very attractive based on personality. But someone who looks (again, based on each individual's personal standards) repulsive? Not likely.
Exactly.
Personality can't override it if someone is physically unattractive to me. If looking at them is a turnoff, that's not a thing I can just ignore or override because they're nice of funny or smart. I can be friends with someone I'm not attracted to. Might even love them. But it will be platonic, not romantic, unless the physical attraction is there. It precludes a monogamous commitment to them.
It's funny that these examples of fictional stories have been brought up to show that looks don't matter, but in every single one of them it's a normal weight man talking to a normal weight woman. None of them are overweight or obese. The author of Fifty Shades is an obese middle aged woman who wrote a fantasy story about an abusive relationship she calls BDSM, but she made the female main character young and thin. It's not a story about a young, fit, physically healthy billionaire falling in love with an obese woman. Why not? Probably because that wouldn't sell millions of books and become a movie that anyone would pay to see.
Physical attraction matters. To what degree it does varies between individuals, but evolution wired us to get turned on by markers of good health and turned off by markers that indicate poor health. Being overweight or obese is not a signifier of good health. It isn't unreasonable to have physical sexual attraction be a deal breaker in a monogamous relationship. It's logical to not promise sexual fidelity to someone who doesn't meet your sexual needs, and regardless of what anyone has said in this thread, I think it's fair to actually discuss that with your partner even if it comes to ending the relationship.5 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
The quote actually says "Not bad. They are Ok". It does not say "They look disgusting (to me, depending on who I am)". No offense, but I think that believing you can feel attracted to someone despite the physical aspect, it is something only happens in young adult novels, or romances targeted to older women who would like to think that them no longer looking good does not matter (yes, this is me, I am not judging older women).
It is not all about the looks, someone who just is ok can be very attractive based on personality. But someone who looks (again, based on each individual's personal standards) repulsive? Not likely.
Exactly.
Personality can't override it if someone is physically unattractive to me. If looking at them is a turnoff, that's not a thing I can just ignore or override because they're nice of funny or smart. I can be friends with someone I'm not attracted to. Might even love them. But it will be platonic, not romantic, unless the physical attraction is there. It precludes a monogamous commitment to them.
It's funny that these examples of fictional stories have been brought up to show that looks don't matter, but in every single one of them it's a normal weight man talking to a normal weight woman. None of them are overweight or obese. The author of Fifty Shades is an obese middle aged woman who wrote a fantasy story about an abusive relationship she calls BDSM, but she made the female main character young and thin. It's not a story about a young, fit, physically healthy billionaire falling in love with an obese woman. Why not? Probably because that wouldn't sell millions of books and become a movie that anyone would pay to see.
Physical attraction matters. To what degree it does varies between individuals, but evolution wired us to get turned on by markers of good health and turned off by markers that indicate poor health. Being overweight or obese is not a signifier of good health. It isn't unreasonable to have physical sexual attraction be a deal breaker in a monogamous relationship. It's logical to not promise sexual fidelity to someone who doesn't meet your sexual needs, and regardless of what anyone has said in this thread, I think it's fair to actually discuss that with your partner even if it comes to ending the relationship.
Regardless of what's been said in this thread?
People have shared stories of relationships that haven't ended over these issues.
You might think it's fair, obviously other people don't.
And I'll go you one better. You evolution argument? It's pants. My husband was very overweight when I met him. I fell for the man he was. He's about 50 pounds thinner now, 30 years later, than he was when I first met him.
Bottom line? Keep speaking just for yourself. You do you. That's your prerogative. My Nan used to say every pot had a lid. I'm sure someone out there will meet your stringent standards one of these days.6 -
GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
That Doctor Who quote exactly describes how I feel about my husband. To me he had the weirdest looking eyes when I first met him, but within fifteen minutes of talking to him, I thought he was one of the most handsome looking men I'd ever laid eyes on. I remember watching that episode and getting all the feels because of that.
I have a little more extreme story that I'm not proud of. I will never ever admit this outloud and it's probably the only lie that I will consistently stick to and never confess to my husband.... I mocked his looks after I first met him. I made fun of him. I was 17 and with friends so just being immature and trying to be funny, I guess. My friend had said something bad about how he looked after he left and I joined in. I am deeply ashamed.
Anyway, we became friends because he would not stop calling me every day. Lol. Just friends. Then best friends...and then one day suddenly more. It was a little strange to me because he was so different physically to what I was normally attracted to. Suddenly I was noticing how blue his eyes were and how deep his voice was. He was the funniest person I had ever met. Genuinely funny and quick witted.
My friends literally held an intervention for me telling me that I deserved better and I could find better. They wanted to know why I thought I needed to settle. This was all based purely on what he looked like. They weren't interested in how he treated me. I actually let them talk me into breaking up with him. He still didn't give up on me and we stayed best friends. Eventually friends with benefits and then of course we became a couple again. Out of a last ditch effort to sabotage things, my friend called him and told him what I had said about him that first time after I met him. He came over and asked me about it. I could see the hurt on his face. I looked him right in the eyes and lied through my teeth. Called my friend a jealous liar.
14 years of marriage and 3 kids later and I would still lie my face off if it ever came up again.
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Is some of the testimonies in here dismissed or are you alls views so solid and ridged that you refuse to have room for "Oh, I can see how that can happen" type of situation? For the record I am one that believes a conversation needs to be had with total respect of your loved one. But some of the situations here states that it was a situation or an illness that occurred - but it was something that jolted them back on the course and they lost the weight and became healthy again. It might not have been in their partner timing, BUT IT OCCURRED. Even if you did have this belief that they looked repulsive or didn't have your ideal BMI, giving up on the love of your life because of a weight issue could potentially break up your marriage and/or family prematurely.Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
The quote actually says "Not bad. They are Ok". It does not say "They look disgusting (to me, depending on who I am)". No offense, but I think that believing you can feel attracted to someone despite the physical aspect, it is something only happens in young adult novels, or romances targeted to older women who would like to think that them no longer looking good does not matter (yes, this is me, I am not judging older women).
It is not all about the looks, someone who just is ok can be very attractive based on personality. But someone who looks (again, based on each individual's personal standards) repulsive? Not likely.
I see testimonies of people saying that they are staying with their partner, despite him/her not looking at their best, because of age, illness or whatever. I do not see anyone saying: "I hated how this person looked from the first moment, felt no attraction at all, but decided to go for it anyway and attraction happened later". Could happen, but this is not what anyone would call "falling in love". There are such things as marriages of convenience, or arranged marriages, or looking for things in a relationship other than chemistry.
I am NOT saying that a relationship should end when one partner stops being attractive. This is up to each couple, and to each individual, to know what becomes a deal breaker and when this happens. Plus, I agree, there comes a point in many relationships when people stay together for reasons other than physical attraction: companionship, habit, caring for the other person, because of kids or a million other very valid reasons. There are lots of sexless marriages, and there are lots of people staying into such marriages despite them no longer feeling attracted to their spouse, or even in love. Physical attraction is not important for everyone or at least not equally important.
Even better, what one finds extremely unattractive might be what someone else can tolerate or even be looking for. Person A might feel physically repulsed by an obese man or by a man with a moustache. Person B might not really have a strong opinion in these things, and person C might actually feel these are physical aspects he/she finds extremely appealing. We all have different tastes, in everything.
The crazy thing I am seeing here is people trying to convince other posters that weight and physical appearance and lifestyle should not come in the equation at all. That if you fell in love with an athletic slim person, you should not only stay with this same person after he/she has become a couch potato triple in size, but also feel physically attracted to this person. How this is possible is beyond me. Attraction is something you either feel or not. You might find you are actually attracted to larger bodies, it is not so weird. You might feel completely disappointed in the weight gain but stay for the kids, or because of religious/moral beliefs, or because of companionship or because sex really does not matter to you anyway. But persuading yourself to feel chemistry is there when you are physically repulsed? Only in bad romance novels.4 -
GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
The quote actually says "Not bad. They are Ok". It does not say "They look disgusting (to me, depending on who I am)". No offense, but I think that believing you can feel attracted to someone despite the physical aspect, it is something only happens in young adult novels, or romances targeted to older women who would like to think that them no longer looking good does not matter (yes, this is me, I am not judging older women).
It is not all about the looks, someone who just is ok can be very attractive based on personality. But someone who looks (again, based on each individual's personal standards) repulsive? Not likely.
Exactly.
Personality can't override it if someone is physically unattractive to me. If looking at them is a turnoff, that's not a thing I can just ignore or override because they're nice of funny or smart. I can be friends with someone I'm not attracted to. Might even love them. But it will be platonic, not romantic, unless the physical attraction is there. It precludes a monogamous commitment to them.
It's funny that these examples of fictional stories have been brought up to show that looks don't matter, but in every single one of them it's a normal weight man talking to a normal weight woman. None of them are overweight or obese. The author of Fifty Shades is an obese middle aged woman who wrote a fantasy story about an abusive relationship she calls BDSM, but she made the female main character young and thin. It's not a story about a young, fit, physically healthy billionaire falling in love with an obese woman. Why not? Probably because that wouldn't sell millions of books and become a movie that anyone would pay to see.
Physical attraction matters. To what degree it does varies between individuals, but evolution wired us to get turned on by markers of good health and turned off by markers that indicate poor health. Being overweight or obese is not a signifier of good health. It isn't unreasonable to have physical sexual attraction be a deal breaker in a monogamous relationship. It's logical to not promise sexual fidelity to someone who doesn't meet your sexual needs, and regardless of what anyone has said in this thread, I think it's fair to actually discuss that with your partner even if it comes to ending the relationship.
Regardless of what's been said in this thread?
People have shared stories of relationships that haven't ended over these issues.
You might think it's fair, obviously other people don't.
And I'll go you one better. You evolution argument? It's pants. My husband was very overweight when I met him. I fell for the man he was. He's about 50 pounds thinner now, 30 years later, than he was when I first met him.
Bottom line? Keep speaking just for yourself. You do you. That's your prerogative. My Nan used to say every pot had a lid. I'm sure someone out there will meet your stringent standards one of these days.
So, you are saying that you are attracted to overweight people or that weight is not important to you. Great, this is the same for many people. But why should it be the same for everyone?3 -
And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.
There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.8 -
mccord62803 wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
That Doctor Who quote exactly describes how I feel about my husband. To me he had the weirdest looking eyes when I first met him, but within fifteen minutes of talking to him, I thought he was one of the most handsome looking men I'd ever laid eyes on. I remember watching that episode and getting all the feels because of that.
I have a little more extreme story that I'm not proud of. I will never ever admit this outloud and it's probably the only lie that I will consistently stick to and never confess to my husband.... I mocked his looks after I first met him. I made fun of him. I was 17 and with friends so just being immature and trying to be funny, I guess. My friend had said something bad about how he looked after he left and I joined in. I am deeply ashamed.
Anyway, we became friends because he would not stop calling me every day. Lol. Just friends. Then best friends...and then one day suddenly more. It was a little strange to me because he was so different physically to what I was normally attracted to. Suddenly I was noticing how blue his eyes were and how deep his voice was. He was the funniest person I had ever met. Genuinely funny and quick witted.
My friends literally held an intervention for me telling me that I deserved better and I could find better. They wanted to know why I thought I needed to settle. This was all based purely on what he looked like. They weren't interested in how he treated me. I actually let them talk me into breaking up with him. He still didn't give up on me and we stayed best friends. Eventually friends with benefits and then of course we became a couple again. Out of a last ditch effort to sabotage things, my friend called him and told him what I had said about him that first time after I met him. He came over and asked me about it. I could see the hurt on his face. I looked him right in the eyes and lied through my teeth. Called my friend a jealous liar.
14 years of marriage and 3 kids later and I would still lie my face off if it ever came up again.
I would have done the same, a) because your husband sounds like a sweetheart, and b) what kind of friend would put you in that position? They obviously didn't love you because they would have seen how happy you were and supported you. I wouldn't give them the time of day after that. Jealous rings very true here even if you saying you didn't say what you said didn't.
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And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.
There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.
Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"1 -
glassofroses wrote: »mccord62803 wrote: »GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Nony_Mouse wrote: »
^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.
That Doctor Who quote exactly describes how I feel about my husband. To me he had the weirdest looking eyes when I first met him, but within fifteen minutes of talking to him, I thought he was one of the most handsome looking men I'd ever laid eyes on. I remember watching that episode and getting all the feels because of that.
I have a little more extreme story that I'm not proud of. I will never ever admit this outloud and it's probably the only lie that I will consistently stick to and never confess to my husband.... I mocked his looks after I first met him. I made fun of him. I was 17 and with friends so just being immature and trying to be funny, I guess. My friend had said something bad about how he looked after he left and I joined in. I am deeply ashamed.
Anyway, we became friends because he would not stop calling me every day. Lol. Just friends. Then best friends...and then one day suddenly more. It was a little strange to me because he was so different physically to what I was normally attracted to. Suddenly I was noticing how blue his eyes were and how deep his voice was. He was the funniest person I had ever met. Genuinely funny and quick witted.
My friends literally held an intervention for me telling me that I deserved better and I could find better. They wanted to know why I thought I needed to settle. This was all based purely on what he looked like. They weren't interested in how he treated me. I actually let them talk me into breaking up with him. He still didn't give up on me and we stayed best friends. Eventually friends with benefits and then of course we became a couple again. Out of a last ditch effort to sabotage things, my friend called him and told him what I had said about him that first time after I met him. He came over and asked me about it. I could see the hurt on his face. I looked him right in the eyes and lied through my teeth. Called my friend a jealous liar.
14 years of marriage and 3 kids later and I would still lie my face off if it ever came up again.
I would have done the same, a) because your husband sounds like a sweetheart, and b) what kind of friend would put you in that position? They obviously didn't love you because they would have seen how happy you were and supported you. I wouldn't give them the time of day after that. Jealous rings very true here even if you saying you didn't say what you said didn't.
Oh yeah, she was awful. When I think about the things she did and said back then I wonder why I was ever friends with her. Every guy that I liked back then, she'd sleep with. We were friends all through our teen years and I rarely had a boyfriend because she'd sleep with any guy that expressed interest in me. We wouldn't talk for awhile but eventually she'd give me her talk "It's not my fault, it's this damn pretty face of mine!" That's an actual quote. Lol.
I believe that the biggest reason she was so against this relationship was because he had originally been her friend and calling her every day but then stopped once he met me. She wasn't attracted to him in any way but it drove her crazy that someone would prefer me over her. We honestly had issues with her even shortly after our marriage until I eventually distanced myself from her.
She still contacts me every few years. She talks about how proud she is that she's the reason I met my husband. Lol.
Unfortunately, she has not had much luck with relationships.
Also, yes my husband is very sweet. He's a wonderful father and husband. He's one of those very rare people who actually really does love doing things for others. He's always planning things for our kids and surprising me. He loves to plan surprises.
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My hubby met me at my heaviest, watched me lose the weight and get into the best shape of my life, and then watched me slowly gain all the weight back plus more! He loves me regardless.
He does lovingly say that he wants me to feel good and be healthy. He doesn't like that when I'm heavy, I'm less confident, I don't feel good in my clothes, etc. So he encourages me to workout, but we do it together!
He also has his own weight loss/fitness goals, so we run together, go to the gym together, and cook together. I recognize this isn't everyone's situation, so I feel very blessed 10 -
And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.
There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.
Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"
I disagree, but not surprise there.
I do have a friend this thread made me think of - beautiful, blonde, petite, and could have had her pick of men. She married a morbidly obese man. Not normal or slightly heavy and then gained 'happy weight' but morbidly obese from the beginning. I admit to having passing thoughts of how that happens, but by all appearances they are happy and functional and have 4 kids together so something is obviously working for them But that's an outlier. It seems like in general people tend to pair up with other people of relatively equal attractiveness. 4 -
And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.
There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.
Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"
I disagree, but not surprise there.
I do have a friend this thread made me think of - beautiful, blonde, petite, and could have had her pick of men. She married a morbidly obese man. Not normal or slightly heavy and then gained 'happy weight' but morbidly obese from the beginning. I admit to having passing thoughts of how that happens, but by all appearances they are happy and functional and have 4 kids together so something is obviously working for them But that's an outlier. It seems like in general people tend to pair up with other people of relatively equal attractiveness.
I did this. I won't say that I'm beautiful and I'm definitely not blond but I was considered quite cute back in the day. Lol. I was at a healthy weight and he was 6'3 and probably over 300 lbs.
I was never attracted to overweight men. We met over the phone. I was told he was "a fat guy" but I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship anyway so I didn't care. We talked about our days and our interests. Had lively debates. I didn't mean to fall in love with him at all. I fought it pretty hard. There was just something about him that kept drawing me back.
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And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.
There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.
That's what I thought. There was no pushback against the idea that physical attraction plays a role initially. The pushback was against statements that if a longterm partner went from a normal weight to overweight -- specifically, a BMI of 25 -- that person would stop being attractive to the partner at all, so the relationship would be over.
I don't question that if a person changes dramatically (including in ways other than physical) that it will affect the relationship. I do think a good, real relationship shouldn't be such that becoming overweight alone would be a deal-breaker, because there is so much there and typically (for me) other things outweigh just physical appearance in determining whether someone is attractive at that stage of the relationship. So, honestly, I'm seeing the line drawing as more related to other feelings about someone who would let themselves become overweight.
But absolutely people are different, not my business, and so long as someone is upfront about it I don't really care (although I would advise people to run away if someone said the relationship would be that conditional, even if they didn't plan to gain weight).
I think the posts weren't really about trying to convince so much as trying to understand or explain why it was hard for them to understand.5 -
My husband and I have both gained and lost weight throughout our marriage. We love each other no matter what. There's a lot more to true love than screwing and good looks. We're best friends, we support each other in various ways. We fell in love with each other for our personalities and kindness, for our similarities and differences. We share every emotion.
I'd be miserable with anyone who would tell me to gtfo or be nasty to me after gaining 10lbs. Those shallow narcissists are not worth my damn time.
Weight can change but *kitten* are forever.6 -
This is an interesting review of scientific studies related to the matter: http://www.academia.edu/23879906/Attraction_in_Marriage_The_Role_of_Physical_Attraction_in_Long-Term_Relationships
It has some interesting points, in both how relationships start and how they evolve and is focused a lot on weight related issues2 -
And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.
There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.
Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"
This is an accurate observation.0 -
It might be worth mentioning that most adults in the U.S. and in many other western countries are overweight or obese. And the vast majority of them are married and have made babies.
As a matter of fact, most adults in the whole world are not attractive at all. They're mostly rather ugly, physically speaking - even if they're not fat. Again, the vast majority of them are married with offspring.
Yes, yes. I know there are some exceptions. I'm just talking about the 85% majority. Through it all, people choose to tolerate each others' grossness and get together anyway - over the long term even!
One can only presume people who have the luxury of placing such a high value on conventional physical attractiveness offer something of equal or greater value as a partner than the average individual. Most of us mere ordinary humans recognize that we are rather imperfect in a number of ways, and accept our partners as such.
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