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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

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Replies

  • GottaBurnEmAll
    GottaBurnEmAll Posts: 7,722 Member
    edited April 2017
    pinuplove wrote: »
    MeganAM89 wrote: »
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    a95e5c72a49b793e2252181e9b52a911.jpg

    ^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.

    I have to point out that this man is an amazing actor. I adored him in Broadchurch.

    Are you thinking of David Tennant? This is Arthur Darvill, Rory Williams in the show.
    Edit, nevermind! They're BOTH in it :laugh:

    Well, there are only about five actors in England (Being silly here in case that's not obvious). They're in everything. The second Broadchurch had who else from Doctor Who... that woman from the Silurian episode and Martha's mother too.
  • GottaBurnEmAll
    GottaBurnEmAll Posts: 7,722 Member
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    ^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.

    Loving someone and being interested in being in a monogamous and sexual relationship with them are two very different things.

    No matter how many fictional movies someone quotes, the reality is that you don't choose what physically turns you on or off, and nobody is required to be in a monogamous and sexual relationship with someone they are not sexually attracted to. That doesn't make them a bad person for leaving.

    You keep coming back to judgments of good person/bad person.

    Why does it matter to you what anyone thinks if you're so sure of your position?
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    edited April 2017
    lkpducky wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    ^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.

    Loving someone and being interested in being in a monogamous and sexual relationship with them are two very different things.

    No matter how many fictional movies someone quotes, the reality is that you don't choose what physically turns you on or off, and nobody is required to be in a monogamous and sexual relationship with someone they are not sexually attracted to. That doesn't make them a bad person for leaving.

    How did I know you'd come back and take a swing at the 'fictitious movie quotes'?

    Maybe somebody should've quoted Fifty Shades of Bollocks Grey instead. :|

    Nah. We'll just stick to getting ridiculed for believing in such fairy tales as love that outlasts the ravages of time like those in the memes on the previous page.

    Edited for clarity, hopefully :tongue:
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    pinuplove wrote: »
    MeganAM89 wrote: »
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    a95e5c72a49b793e2252181e9b52a911.jpg

    ^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.

    I have to point out that this man is an amazing actor. I adored him in Broadchurch.

    Are you thinking of David Tennant? This is Arthur Darvill, Rory Williams in the show.
    Edit, nevermind! They're BOTH in it :laugh:

    Well, there are only about five actors in England (Being silly here in case that's not obvious). They're in everything. The second Broadchurch had who else from Doctor Who... that woman from the Silurian episode and Martha's mother too.

    :lol: It does feel that way. I recognize EVERYONE when we watch British shows.
  • lkpducky
    lkpducky Posts: 17,747 Member
    pinuplove wrote: »
    lkpducky wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    ^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.

    Loving someone and being interested in being in a monogamous and sexual relationship with them are two very different things.

    No matter how many fictional movies someone quotes, the reality is that you don't choose what physically turns you on or off, and nobody is required to be in a monogamous and sexual relationship with someone they are not sexually attracted to. That doesn't make them a bad person for leaving.

    How did I know you'd come back and take a swing at the 'fictitious movie quotes'?

    Maybe somebody should've quoted Fifty Shades of Bollocks Grey instead. :|

    Nah. We'll just get ridiculed for believing in such fairy tales as love that outlasts the ravages of time.

    ? the ravages in that movie had nothing to do with time.*

    *DISCLAIMER: I never saw this movie; Google and Facebook spared me that
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    lkpducky wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    lkpducky wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    ^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.

    Loving someone and being interested in being in a monogamous and sexual relationship with them are two very different things.

    No matter how many fictional movies someone quotes, the reality is that you don't choose what physically turns you on or off, and nobody is required to be in a monogamous and sexual relationship with someone they are not sexually attracted to. That doesn't make them a bad person for leaving.

    How did I know you'd come back and take a swing at the 'fictitious movie quotes'?

    Maybe somebody should've quoted Fifty Shades of Bollocks Grey instead. :|

    Nah. We'll just get ridiculed for believing in such fairy tales as love that outlasts the ravages of time.

    ? the ravages in that movie had nothing to do with time.*

    *DISCLAIMER: I never saw this movie; Google and Facebook spared me that

    50 Shades? No idea of the ravages there beyond what little I've heard my friends giggling about. I was referring to the other examples of love stories on the previous page :smile:
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
    edited April 2017
    :)
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,178 Member
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    a95e5c72a49b793e2252181e9b52a911.jpg

    ^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.

    The quote actually says "Not bad. They are Ok". It does not say "They look disgusting (to me, depending on who I am)". No offense, but I think that believing you can feel attracted to someone despite the physical aspect, it is something only happens in young adult novels, or romances targeted to older women who would like to think that them no longer looking good does not matter (yes, this is me, I am not judging older women).
    It is not all about the looks, someone who just is ok can be very attractive based on personality. But someone who looks (again, based on each individual's personal standards) repulsive? Not likely.
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
    aggelikik wrote: »
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    a95e5c72a49b793e2252181e9b52a911.jpg

    ^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.

    The quote actually says "Not bad. They are Ok". It does not say "They look disgusting (to me, depending on who I am)". No offense, but I think that believing you can feel attracted to someone despite the physical aspect, it is something only happens in young adult novels, or romances targeted to older women who would like to think that them no longer looking good does not matter (yes, this is me, I am not judging older women).
    It is not all about the looks, someone who just is ok can be very attractive based on personality. But someone who looks (again, based on each individual's personal standards) repulsive? Not likely.
    Is some of the testimonies in here dismissed or are you alls views so solid and ridged that you refuse to have room for "Oh, I can see how that can happen" type of situation? For the record I am one that believes a conversation needs to be had with total respect of your loved one. But some of the situations here states that it was a situation or an illness that occurred - but it was something that jolted them back on the course and they lost the weight and became healthy again. It might not have been in their partner timing, BUT IT OCCURRED. Even if you did have this belief that they looked repulsive or didn't have your ideal BMI, giving up on the love of your life because of a weight issue could potentially break up your marriage and/or family prematurely.

  • glassofroses
    glassofroses Posts: 653 Member
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    a95e5c72a49b793e2252181e9b52a911.jpg

    ^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.

    That Doctor Who quote exactly describes how I feel about my husband. To me he had the weirdest looking eyes when I first met him, but within fifteen minutes of talking to him, I thought he was one of the most handsome looking men I'd ever laid eyes on. I remember watching that episode and getting all the feels because of that.

    I always understood the sentiment of this but didn't quite get with Rory because I was always attracted to Arthur Darvill. They were always trying to minimise his handsomeness and make him the Every Man but you can't fight that kind of cute. :wink: :lol:

    When you love someone, you love the entirety of them so if my SO gained any amount of weight I can't say that would change how I feel. But if we reached health problem territory then we'd have to have a conversation because I love them and I've seen what diabetes does to a person, someone I love very much, eating them from the inside out, ruining their quality of life, and while I would never leave my SO, I think I'd have to force a change if they refused to.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,178 Member
    edited April 2017
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    aggelikik wrote: »
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    a95e5c72a49b793e2252181e9b52a911.jpg

    ^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.

    The quote actually says "Not bad. They are Ok". It does not say "They look disgusting (to me, depending on who I am)". No offense, but I think that believing you can feel attracted to someone despite the physical aspect, it is something only happens in young adult novels, or romances targeted to older women who would like to think that them no longer looking good does not matter (yes, this is me, I am not judging older women).
    It is not all about the looks, someone who just is ok can be very attractive based on personality. But someone who looks (again, based on each individual's personal standards) repulsive? Not likely.
    Is some of the testimonies in here dismissed or are you alls views so solid and ridged that you refuse to have room for "Oh, I can see how that can happen" type of situation? For the record I am one that believes a conversation needs to be had with total respect of your loved one. But some of the situations here states that it was a situation or an illness that occurred - but it was something that jolted them back on the course and they lost the weight and became healthy again. It might not have been in their partner timing, BUT IT OCCURRED. Even if you did have this belief that they looked repulsive or didn't have your ideal BMI, giving up on the love of your life because of a weight issue could potentially break up your marriage and/or family prematurely.

    I see testimonies of people saying that they are staying with their partner, despite him/her not looking at their best, because of age, illness or whatever. I do not see anyone saying: "I hated how this person looked from the first moment, felt no attraction at all, but decided to go for it anyway and attraction happened later". Could happen, but this is not what anyone would call "falling in love". There are such things as marriages of convenience, or arranged marriages, or looking for things in a relationship other than chemistry.

    I am NOT saying that a relationship should end when one partner stops being attractive. This is up to each couple, and to each individual, to know what becomes a deal breaker and when this happens. Plus, I agree, there comes a point in many relationships when people stay together for reasons other than physical attraction: companionship, habit, caring for the other person, because of kids or a million other very valid reasons. There are lots of sexless marriages, and there are lots of people staying into such marriages despite them no longer feeling attracted to their spouse, or even in love. Physical attraction is not important for everyone or at least not equally important.

    Even better, what one finds extremely unattractive might be what someone else can tolerate or even be looking for. Person A might feel physically repulsed by an obese man or by a man with a moustache. Person B might not really have a strong opinion in these things, and person C might actually feel these are physical aspects he/she finds extremely appealing. We all have different tastes, in everything.

    The crazy thing I am seeing here is people trying to convince other posters that weight and physical appearance and lifestyle should not come in the equation at all. That if you fell in love with an athletic slim person, you should not only stay with this same person after he/she has become a couch potato triple in size, but also feel physically attracted to this person. How this is possible is beyond me. Attraction is something you either feel or not. You might find you are actually attracted to larger bodies, it is not so weird. You might feel completely disappointed in the weight gain but stay for the kids, or because of religious/moral beliefs, or because of companionship or because sex really does not matter to you anyway. But persuading yourself to feel chemistry is there when you are physically repulsed? Only in bad romance novels.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,178 Member
    aggelikik wrote: »
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    a95e5c72a49b793e2252181e9b52a911.jpg

    ^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.

    The quote actually says "Not bad. They are Ok". It does not say "They look disgusting (to me, depending on who I am)". No offense, but I think that believing you can feel attracted to someone despite the physical aspect, it is something only happens in young adult novels, or romances targeted to older women who would like to think that them no longer looking good does not matter (yes, this is me, I am not judging older women).
    It is not all about the looks, someone who just is ok can be very attractive based on personality. But someone who looks (again, based on each individual's personal standards) repulsive? Not likely.

    Exactly.

    Personality can't override it if someone is physically unattractive to me. If looking at them is a turnoff, that's not a thing I can just ignore or override because they're nice of funny or smart. I can be friends with someone I'm not attracted to. Might even love them. But it will be platonic, not romantic, unless the physical attraction is there. It precludes a monogamous commitment to them.

    It's funny that these examples of fictional stories have been brought up to show that looks don't matter, but in every single one of them it's a normal weight man talking to a normal weight woman. None of them are overweight or obese. The author of Fifty Shades is an obese middle aged woman who wrote a fantasy story about an abusive relationship she calls BDSM, but she made the female main character young and thin. It's not a story about a young, fit, physically healthy billionaire falling in love with an obese woman. Why not? Probably because that wouldn't sell millions of books and become a movie that anyone would pay to see.

    Physical attraction matters. To what degree it does varies between individuals, but evolution wired us to get turned on by markers of good health and turned off by markers that indicate poor health. Being overweight or obese is not a signifier of good health. It isn't unreasonable to have physical sexual attraction be a deal breaker in a monogamous relationship. It's logical to not promise sexual fidelity to someone who doesn't meet your sexual needs, and regardless of what anyone has said in this thread, I think it's fair to actually discuss that with your partner even if it comes to ending the relationship.

    Regardless of what's been said in this thread?

    People have shared stories of relationships that haven't ended over these issues.

    You might think it's fair, obviously other people don't.

    And I'll go you one better. You evolution argument? It's pants. My husband was very overweight when I met him. I fell for the man he was. He's about 50 pounds thinner now, 30 years later, than he was when I first met him.

    Bottom line? Keep speaking just for yourself. You do you. That's your prerogative. My Nan used to say every pot had a lid. I'm sure someone out there will meet your stringent standards one of these days.

    So, you are saying that you are attracted to overweight people or that weight is not important to you. Great, this is the same for many people. But why should it be the same for everyone?
  • glassofroses
    glassofroses Posts: 653 Member
    Nony_Mouse wrote: »
    a95e5c72a49b793e2252181e9b52a911.jpg

    ^^That. That is why some of us are so flabbergasted that anyone would dump someone over what is not even a significant weight gain. Because we understand being in love with the person Not the package they come in.

    That Doctor Who quote exactly describes how I feel about my husband. To me he had the weirdest looking eyes when I first met him, but within fifteen minutes of talking to him, I thought he was one of the most handsome looking men I'd ever laid eyes on. I remember watching that episode and getting all the feels because of that.

    I have a little more extreme story that I'm not proud of. I will never ever admit this outloud and it's probably the only lie that I will consistently stick to and never confess to my husband.... I mocked his looks after I first met him. I made fun of him. I was 17 and with friends so just being immature and trying to be funny, I guess. My friend had said something bad about how he looked after he left and I joined in. I am deeply ashamed.
    Anyway, we became friends because he would not stop calling me every day. Lol. Just friends. Then best friends...and then one day suddenly more. It was a little strange to me because he was so different physically to what I was normally attracted to. Suddenly I was noticing how blue his eyes were and how deep his voice was. He was the funniest person I had ever met. Genuinely funny and quick witted.
    My friends literally held an intervention for me telling me that I deserved better and I could find better. They wanted to know why I thought I needed to settle. This was all based purely on what he looked like. They weren't interested in how he treated me. I actually let them talk me into breaking up with him. He still didn't give up on me and we stayed best friends. Eventually friends with benefits and then of course we became a couple again. Out of a last ditch effort to sabotage things, my friend called him and told him what I had said about him that first time after I met him. He came over and asked me about it. I could see the hurt on his face. I looked him right in the eyes and lied through my teeth. Called my friend a jealous liar.

    14 years of marriage and 3 kids later and I would still lie my face off if it ever came up again.

    I would have done the same, a) because your husband sounds like a sweetheart, and b) what kind of friend would put you in that position? They obviously didn't love you because they would have seen how happy you were and supported you. I wouldn't give them the time of day after that. Jealous rings very true here even if you saying you didn't say what you said didn't. :heart:
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,178 Member
    pinuplove wrote: »
    And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.

    There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.

    Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    edited April 2017
    aggelikik wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.

    There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.

    Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"

    I disagree, but not surprise there.

    I do have a friend this thread made me think of - beautiful, blonde, petite, and could have had her pick of men. She married a morbidly obese man. Not normal or slightly heavy and then gained 'happy weight' but morbidly obese from the beginning. I admit to having passing thoughts of how that happens, but by all appearances they are happy and functional and have 4 kids together so something is obviously working for them :wink: But that's an outlier. It seems like in general people tend to pair up with other people of relatively equal attractiveness.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,178 Member
    This is an interesting review of scientific studies related to the matter: http://www.academia.edu/23879906/Attraction_in_Marriage_The_Role_of_Physical_Attraction_in_Long-Term_Relationships
    It has some interesting points, in both how relationships start and how they evolve and is focused a lot on weight related issues
  • heiliskrimsli
    heiliskrimsli Posts: 735 Member
    aggelikik wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    And here I thought people were just trying to say attraction isn't always or even usually purely physical for them, particularly in a long term relationship.

    There's a lot of space between 'hubba hubba' and repulsive.

    Actually no. Several people in the category where body shape does not matter much to them or that even physical attraction does not matter much to them, were/are trying to convince other people that they are somehow flawed if they are attracted to a certain type of body. The basic arguments I have been seeing going in rounds are "My partner is overweight/not conventionally handsome and I am still attracted to him" or "looks do not matter much to me", so "YOU should have the exact same preferences as I do, or something is wrong with you"

    This is an accurate observation.
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