Welcome to Debate Club! Please be aware that this is a space for respectful debate, and that your ideas will be challenged here. Please remember to critique the argument, not the author.
Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Options
Replies
-
After several years of being together you are attracted to each other for way more reasons than just appearance.
He's the father of my children, he brings me sweet little nothings, he stayed strong and worried about me during his cancer treatment, he is flat out one of the best grandfathers I know.
He had such a cute baby face when we married, he had a nice v cut. He now has a gray beard and age spots. But you know what he's as attractive to me today than when I met him when he was 19.
I don't say this to say attractiveness isn't important. I'm saying there is much much more and thankfully this sweet man knows I'm much more than my weight.
Without getting too personal - we have never in 30+ years been "roommates" its all good and always has been:)
55 -
Detritus_1965 wrote: »Not sure if I'm supposed to tell anyone that he/she IMO is gravitationally challenged.
Comments regarding personal characteristics usually aren't conceived too well if not made in enthusiastic positive ways.
But I for sure know that the marriage is over should The_Best_Of_All_Possible_Wives ever ask: "Do you think I'm too fat?" ... If anyone knows the correct answered to this, please let me know. (Hint: It's not "Compared to what?")
Don't know that I can help you, but if the question is "Do these pants make me look fat?", the answer is NOT "It's not the pants that make you look fat!"
I expect to be able to see out of that eye in a week or so.23 -
SO's can voice opinions...............but expectation to change? That's a different ball game.STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
8 -
I had to tell my husband a while back that I love him no matter what, but that if he gained any more weight, certain positions would become impossible for me. I was nice about it, didn't tell him he had to lose weight or anything like that. He has since joined the gym and started losing some weight. He wasn't willing to give up what he likes to do, and he decided that was enough motivation.31
-
MsMaeFlowers wrote: »I had to tell my husband a while back that I love him no matter what, but that if he gained any more weight, certain positions would become impossible for me. I was nice about it, didn't tell him he had to lose weight or anything like that. He has since joined the gym and started losing some weight. He wasn't willing to give up what he likes to do, and he decided that was enough motivation.
I love the way you put this..... LMAO that he joined a gym. I love it!!!8 -
leanjogreen18 wrote: »After several years of being together you are attracted to each other for way more reasons than just appearance.
He's the father of my children, he brings me sweet little nothings, he stayed strong and worried about me during his cancer treatment, he is flat out one of the best grandfathers I know.
He had such a cute baby face when we married, he had a nice v cut. He now has a gray beard and age spots. But you know what he's as attractive to me today than when I met him when he was 19.
I don't say this to say attractiveness isn't important. I'm saying there is much much more and thankfully this sweet man knows I'm much more than my weight.
Without getting too personal - we have never in 30+ years been "roommates" its all good and always has been:)
This is very sweet. My husband and I have been together since I was 13 and he was 14 and have seen so many physical changes in each other too. He is still as attractive to me now as he was then and a big part of that attraction is a shared lifetime of experiences.
To answer the original question, I think that this is something that couples should be able to discuss about in a kind and considerate manner. Being kind and considerate includes understanding that our bodies change over time and that sometimes parts are "unfixable" outside of surgery.14 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »MsMaeFlowers wrote: »I had to tell my husband a while back that I love him no matter what, but that if he gained any more weight, certain positions would become impossible for me. I was nice about it, didn't tell him he had to lose weight or anything like that. He has since joined the gym and started losing some weight. He wasn't willing to give up what he likes to do, and he decided that was enough motivation.
I love the way you put this..... LMAO that he joined a gym. I love it!!!
Basically I just told him what would happen (or not happen) if he continued going the way he was going, and it was up to him whether or not he wanted to make a change. I'm happy he made the change
but I would never have tried to force it on him.
2 -
Just for the record for 30+ years I have from time to time asked does this make me look fat or my butt look too big. He always answers with "his" truth. Sometimes it was a yes and others it was a no. I appreciated him being honest.
BUT if it was an outfit I really really liked I would not ask incase the answer was yes lol.12 -
leanjogreen18 wrote: »Just for the record for 30+ years I have from time to time asked does this make me look fat or my butt look too big. He always answers with "his" truth. Sometimes it was a yes and others it was a no. I appreciated him being honest.
BUT if it was an outfit I really really liked I would not ask incase the answer was yes lol.
I remember my cousin took an ID picture. Her face covered the whole square of the picture. She did look like she gained a lot of weight. She said to her husband....."Gosh, do I really look this fat in this picture?" In the nicest sweetest tone he said "yes". No more, no less. She ran off crying, called all of her friends saying that he called her fat and other men in the streets think she is attractive and her husband, the one she loves thinks she is fat....I mean it went on and on and on. She even took it to social media and made it sound so horrible that everyone told her to leave her husband, etc. And her husband was one of the best things that happened to her. If I wasn't there I would have believed her, that's how convincing she was. i witnessed this....He only said, "Yes" to a question she asked him. Furthermore....she thought she looked fat herself. Why can she think she looks fat, but he can't be honest WHEN HE IS ASKED?31 -
i agree. don't ask unless you are prepared for an honest answer.16
-
MsMaeFlowers wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »MsMaeFlowers wrote: »I had to tell my husband a while back that I love him no matter what, but that if he gained any more weight, certain positions would become impossible for me. I was nice about it, didn't tell him he had to lose weight or anything like that. He has since joined the gym and started losing some weight. He wasn't willing to give up what he likes to do, and he decided that was enough motivation.
I love the way you put this..... LMAO that he joined a gym. I love it!!!
Basically I just told him what would happen (or not happen) if he continued going the way he was going, and it was up to him whether or not he wanted to make a change. I'm happy he made the change but I would never have tried to force it on him.
That may include "this relationship will not continue" for some of us. If someone chooses being fat (I have never been in a relationship with someone who even got close to being unattractive by losing weight) over us having a healthy sex life, then the relationship is going to end.3 -
Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?51 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
I understand what you are saying -but attraction means a lot to me as well. We can agree that attraction is a big realm of things. For instance, I have dated this guy that was so HOTTTTT. Geez he was hot, but he had a piss poor personality and attitude, which made him very unattractive to me even though he looked HOT! It is a matter of perspective IMO. For instance I'm not ready to date a 70 year old right now, because the saggy balls and 100% white pubes I'm not ready for.....but I can deal with someone around my age and we are progressing through them things together. I know with age comes potential weight gain, but my expectation is for you to remain active, be conscious about it because I want to be attracted to you, have fun and have you around for a long time.4 -
I think everybody has a responsibility to not "let themselves go". You should try to maintain something close to the condition you were in at the start of a relationship. Obviously, people gain weight while pregnant, and it is natural to gain a FEW pounds (not 75) with advancing age. But attraction is a big part of what initially draws people together, and most people (not all) do have types that they are and aren't attracted to and weight plays a big role in that for many people. Plus, I think attraction is a "glue" that helps couples weather other stresses on the relationship and survive tough times.
A spouse can still love you but lose attraction...and that is not their fault, but it will weaken the relationship.
So I say, yes, they do have a right to voice their opinion, but only if there has been a material change. If you gain 5 or 10 pounds, they need to just accept it. But if you gain enough that it significantly impacts appearance or activities you are able to do with them, they should speak up IN A RESPECTFUL MANNER.
Sure, it is easy to say "if they really love me, they will love me at any weight." But try turning that around and saying "If I really love them, I will care enough for them and myself and our relationship to stay at a healthy weight."
BTW, this also works the other way. If you lose so much that it dramatically changes appearance, that can also negatively impact attraction if it goes too far, and they have a right to speak up then as well. And this holds for both men and women.
3 -
I think if it's coming from a place of love from the other person, than it should be ok. It's just a sensitive subject for most people, especially for those of us who have struggled for a long time with their weight. Personally my weight bothers me more than anyone else around me, and I'm the one constantly complaining about it. So I believe that if someone happy with who they are, they don't need to change. My husband has been trying to help keep me motivated because I'm the one that wants to change. He met me when I was 70lbs lighter and has always told me I'm beautiful and he doesn't care what my weight is.4
-
JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
What I see always matters, and weight and physical fitness matter a lot. An unfit, overweight partner isn't just living with the natural progression of age. It's an unnecessary change, and one that I'm not going to lie and say that such a change would be something I could overlook and still find that person attractive. I'm not going to fake it and be miserable. And I sure wouldn't ask that of someone else, either.MoiAussi93 wrote: »I think everybody has a responsibility to not "let themselves go". You should try to maintain something close to the condition you were in at the start of a relationship. Obviously, people gain weight while pregnant, and it is natural to gain a FEW pounds (not 75) with advancing age. But attraction is a big part of what initially draws people together, and most people (not all) do have types that they are and aren't attracted to and weight plays a big role in that for many people. Plus, I think attraction is a "glue" that helps couples weather other stresses on the relationship and survive tough times.
A spouse can still love you but lose attraction...and that is not their fault, but it will weaken the relationship.
So I say, yes, they do have a right to voice their opinion, but only if there has been a material change. If you gain 5 or 10 pounds, they need to just accept it. But if you gain enough that it significantly impacts appearance or activities you are able to do with them, they should speak up IN A RESPECTFUL MANNER.
Sure, it is easy to say "if they really love me, they will love me at any weight." But try turning that around and saying "If I really love them, I will care enough for them and myself and our relationship to stay at a healthy weight."
BTW, this also works the other way. If you lose so much that it dramatically changes appearance, that can also negatively impact attraction if it goes too far, and they have a right to speak up then as well. And this holds for both men and women.
So then what number of pounds do you draw the line at? Because I'm going to say something well before the BMI hits 25, and to me reaching into the overweight range is going to be kill my attraction. It would take a rare case of swole with low body fat percentage to change that.3 -
Just wanted to relay my experience and the trickle on effect... I was at my heaviest at 180 something lbs, along with this weight gain came a drop in confidence, always covering myself up if i was naked in front of my husband, my hands just automatically dropped down to cover my belly which just made him pay even mooore attention to it!! When we were intimate i made sure the lights were dimmed and tried to position myself in the most flattering angle, it was *kitten* draining and totally annoying and mood killing for him.
I felt insecure around other slim women, which in turn caused arguments between me and him. I just felt like a fat, unattractive slob, and honestly who wants to be married to someone with that attitude!!??
...And lets not even get started on my micromanaging and constant blathering on about calories, oi oi oi8 -
@heiliskrimsli A lot has been mentioned about SO being overweight/obese and I'm wondering if you (and others who feel the same) would be leaving your SO if they became underweight?2
-
I will never again change my appearance to please someone my soon to be ex has always liked bigger girls. I was 189 when I got pregnant with my youngest. After she was born I lost down to 125 I was really proud of myself and looked much better over time my stbx started making comments and convincing me to gain weight when he left in Jan I was my heaviest weight ever @ 244 pounds.3
-
Sure if he/she does not mind a punch in the mouth. LOL4
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 387 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.2K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.2K MyFitnessPal Information
- 22 News and Announcements
- 916 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions