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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
I understand what you are saying -but attraction means a lot to me as well. We can agree that attraction is a big realm of things. For instance, I have dated this guy that was so HOTTTTT. Geez he was hot, but he had a piss poor personality and attitude, which made him very unattractive to me even though he looked HOT! It is a matter of perspective IMO. For instance I'm not ready to date a 70 year old right now, because the saggy balls and 100% white pubes I'm not ready for.....but I can deal with someone around my age and we are progressing through them things together. I know with age comes potential weight gain, but my expectation is for you to remain active, be conscious about it because I want to be attracted to you, have fun and have you around for a long time.
I think your expectations are right on target. I'm old fashioned about this, but I believe that we have a responsibility to our friends, family, and most importantly our spouses and significant others to be positive and make things better. This begins with personal maintenance and improvement. What better way to honor your spouse than by keeping up your appearance, attitude, and demeanor. Now this does not included obvious exceptions such as medical issues and I'm not focused on aesthetics, but health - absolutely.
I think a few people here have brought up the idea of a responsibility for maintaining a healthy fit body for our loved ones. That if we love them we would do that, we would be a good example, etc but sometimes you also get a pass if you just had a baby or a medical issue or something is more important in your life than your weight.
IME it is easy to ignore your own health issues- weight, mental health, check ups, etc- when you focus on caring a lot for others and tend to put yourself last. I've seen it with a lot of people who do a lot for others. There is always something that seems more important than you for these kinds of people. Saying to them "If you really loved your spouse or kids you would maintain a healthy weight" is manipulation not truth of their depth of feelings.
My mom was overweight her whole adult life. It was a struggle for her. She got cancer and died several years ago. She was hard working and always doing things for others. She was always there for family and friends. She never forgot a birthday or anniversary. She took a lot of burden on herself and held our family together through many tough times. I wish she had put herself first more or shifted more of the burden to the rest of us. My mom did not stay fat and die of cancer because she didn't love or honor her family or friends enough.
I think it is more useful to tell someone to be more selfish than to be healthy for others. Be healthy for themselves because they deserve to feel good and have a full life. They should decide what that looks like for them and be supported in their goals
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JeepHair77 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
I understand what you are saying -but attraction means a lot to me as well. We can agree that attraction is a big realm of things. For instance, I have dated this guy that was so HOTTTTT. Geez he was hot, but he had a piss poor personality and attitude, which made him very unattractive to me even though he looked HOT! It is a matter of perspective IMO. For instance I'm not ready to date a 70 year old right now, because the saggy balls and 100% white pubes I'm not ready for.....but I can deal with someone around my age and we are progressing through them things together. I know with age comes potential weight gain, but my expectation is for you to remain active, be conscious about it because I want to be attracted to you, have fun and have you around for a long time.
I don't think we disagree, here, I think I'm just wondering where the line is, for everyone. We're talking about "drastic" changes, or "significant" weight gain, or "Fabio" turned into "Fat Albert," but aside from health concerns, at what point would weight gain (or loss) be significant enough to affect one's marriage based on lack of sexual attraction? Are there other features that are similarly important, or is weight a unique feature because of the perceived ability to "control" it? Because yeah - I can dye my hair. I DO dye my hair. But does he have a right to expect it?
I just don't know. I'm sure the answer is different for everyone, and I know there are a lot of other factors at play, but I'm curious. Like I said - it's a personal insecurity for me, and I think this is a really interesting discussion.
My husband is twice my weight. He's gained about 70# during our marriage. I don't find him less attractive because he's obese. He certainly did find me unattractive when I gained 100#. I don't base my marriage on just having sexy time, but it is nice to get it twice a year instead of never.
If people want to have sex as the main basis of their relationship, that's cool.1 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
I understand what you are saying -but attraction means a lot to me as well. We can agree that attraction is a big realm of things. For instance, I have dated this guy that was so HOTTTTT. Geez he was hot, but he had a piss poor personality and attitude, which made him very unattractive to me even though he looked HOT! It is a matter of perspective IMO. For instance I'm not ready to date a 70 year old right now, because the saggy balls and 100% white pubes I'm not ready for.....but I can deal with someone around my age and we are progressing through them things together. I know with age comes potential weight gain, but my expectation is for you to remain active, be conscious about it because I want to be attracted to you, have fun and have you around for a long time.
I don't think we disagree, here, I think I'm just wondering where the line is, for everyone. We're talking about "drastic" changes, or "significant" weight gain, or "Fabio" turned into "Fat Albert," but aside from health concerns, at what point would weight gain (or loss) be significant enough to affect one's marriage based on lack of sexual attraction? Are there other features that are similarly important, or is weight a unique feature because of the perceived ability to "control" it? Because yeah - I can dye my hair. I DO dye my hair. But does he have a right to expect it?
I just don't know. I'm sure the answer is different for everyone, and I know there are a lot of other factors at play, but I'm curious. Like I said - it's a personal insecurity for me, and I think this is a really interesting discussion.
My husband is twice my weight. He's gained about 70# during our marriage. I don't find him less attractive because he's obese. He certainly did find me unattractive when I gained 100#. I don't base my marriage on just having sexy time, but it is nice to get it twice a year instead of never.
If people want to have sex as the main basis of their relationship, that's cool.
That's sad. :sad:
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I can't get behind the idea of leaving a spouse simply because you're no longer physically attracted to them (pre- commitment is a different matter).
Suppose your spouse is ever disfigured in a way that makes them physically unattractive to you, or has a health issue that makes having a sex life with them impossible? Unfortunately I have a couple of friends who've gone the health issue route so have some secondary experience with this. Would you leave them?
On the other hand, I can see leaving a spouse because they've lost all respect for you, or themselves, or the relationship. I can see leaving them because they have become self-destructive or -abusive and are dragging you down with them. I don't see leaving without making every effort to pull them out of the downward spiral, but for me, there would come a breaking point.18 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
I understand what you are saying -but attraction means a lot to me as well. We can agree that attraction is a big realm of things. For instance, I have dated this guy that was so HOTTTTT. Geez he was hot, but he had a piss poor personality and attitude, which made him very unattractive to me even though he looked HOT! It is a matter of perspective IMO. For instance I'm not ready to date a 70 year old right now, because the saggy balls and 100% white pubes I'm not ready for.....but I can deal with someone around my age and we are progressing through them things together. I know with age comes potential weight gain, but my expectation is for you to remain active, be conscious about it because I want to be attracted to you, have fun and have you around for a long time.
I don't think we disagree, here, I think I'm just wondering where the line is, for everyone. We're talking about "drastic" changes, or "significant" weight gain, or "Fabio" turned into "Fat Albert," but aside from health concerns, at what point would weight gain (or loss) be significant enough to affect one's marriage based on lack of sexual attraction? Are there other features that are similarly important, or is weight a unique feature because of the perceived ability to "control" it? Because yeah - I can dye my hair. I DO dye my hair. But does he have a right to expect it?
I just don't know. I'm sure the answer is different for everyone, and I know there are a lot of other factors at play, but I'm curious. Like I said - it's a personal insecurity for me, and I think this is a really interesting discussion.
My husband is twice my weight. He's gained about 70# during our marriage. I don't find him less attractive because he's obese. He certainly did find me unattractive when I gained 100#. I don't base my marriage on just having sexy time, but it is nice to get it twice a year instead of never.
If people want to have sex as the main basis of their relationship, that's cool.
Like I said, there are people who aren't relatives who I care about and don't have sex with. Those people are called friends. Fact is, sex is what separates a friend from a romantic partner.
I cannot be happy in a relationship without sex, and I don't mean a grudging once or twice a year but an enthusiastic several times a week. I cannot have sex with someone I'm not attracted to. I'm not attracted to fat people. I'm sure you can see where this is going: I won't be in a relationship with a fat person. Ultimately I choose to live a happy and fulfilling life, and that means having an SO whose bones I want to (and do) jump aggressively and frequently.5 -
The approach should be "What's going on?" and "How can I help," instead of "You're fat, do something".
For me, at least... this was always part of the conversation that is missing more often then not. I didn't need anyone to tell me I gained weight, I already know that. I don't need someone trying to give me some ultimatum. I need a helpful partner who is going to work WITH me to make the needed changes in my life.
When I gained weight during my two pregnancies, my ex brought it up. Sure he was thoughtful and nice about it... but it wasn't a "conversation" that I needed. When I started making changes to lose the weight and be healthier, he moaned and complained about the time I spent working out, about the meals I was choosing to cook, about the money being spent on healthy choices and gym memberships, etc. While I did manage to lose the weight and he was happy to have the skinnier me, he made maintenance such a chore that it was no surprise that after a while the weight started creeping back up again.
This time around, while I have a partner who doesn't really care about my weight at all.. he is being very supportive of my efforts and it makes the process so much easier.
So my opinion.. screw the conversation. Words don't help. Action does.
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Yes I think so. However it should be lenient and health based. If they're complaining over a 5-10 lb gain or loss but you've always been in the normal health bracket, they're being too picky. If it's coming from a place of concern for health (as in you have significantly changed weight and they can see you suffering) then they should bring it up because they love you.
The gray area for me comes when you and your SO met when one was at an unhealthy weight.. if that doesn't come up while dating... should it come up in marriage? I'm not sure. At some point it sits too long to be overly appropriate to bring up unless it is the one who has the weight problem who brings it up. There would be exceptions always though.
It's so case by case. It's hard to weigh in on the matter (lol).
No matter what they should love each other. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to discuss health issues respectfully.3 -
I think a few people here have brought up the idea of a responsibility for maintaining a healthy fit body for our loved ones. That if we love them we would do that, we would be a good example, etc but sometimes you also get a pass if you just had a baby or a medical issue or something is more important in your life than your weight.
IME it is easy to ignore your own health issues- weight, mental health, check ups, etc- when you focus on caring a lot for others and tend to put yourself last. I've seen it with a lot of people who do a lot for others. There is always something that seems more important than you for these kinds of people. Saying to them "If you really loved your spouse or kids you would maintain a healthy weight" is manipulation not truth of their depth of feelings.
My mom was overweight her whole adult life. It was a struggle for her. She got cancer and died several years ago. She was hard working and always doing things for others. She was always there for family and friends. She never forgot a birthday or anniversary. She took a lot of burden on herself and held our family together through many tough times. I wish she had put herself first more or shifted more of the burden to the rest of us. My mom did not stay fat and die of cancer because she didn't love or honor her family or friends enough.
I think it is more useful to tell someone to be more selfish than to be healthy for others. Be healthy for themselves because they deserve to feel good and have a full life. They should decide what that looks like for them and be supported in their goals
Thanks for posting this, I found it very valuable.
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Yes I think so. However it should be lenient and health based. If they're complaining over a 5-10 lb gain or loss but you've always been in the normal health bracket, they're being too picky. If it's coming from a place of concern for health (as in you have significantly changed weight and they can see you suffering) then they should bring it up because they love you.
The gray area for me comes when you and your SO met when one was at an unhealthy weight.. if that doesn't come up while dating... should it come up in marriage? I'm not sure. At some point it sits too long to be overly appropriate to bring up unless it is the one who has the weight problem who brings it up. There would be exceptions always though.
It's so case by case. It's hard to weigh in on the matter (lol).
No matter what they should love each other. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to discuss health issues respectfully.
I'm not a proponent of unconditional love or the idea that someone should stay in a relationship that isn't a positive thing in their life.
I would bring up the weight problem early on, offer help to fix it, and if nothing changes, it's time to move on.
I'm also not going to start dating someone who is at an unhealthy weight. They will not make it to a first date, and if they're hiding it (online dating, blind dates) they won't make it through the first date so there's no risk that I'm going to be OK with it for a while and then have to bring it up later. If there's no attraction up front, there will be no dating.0 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »
I'm also not going to start dating someone who is at an unhealthy weight. They will not make it to a first date, and if they're hiding it (online dating, blind dates) they won't make it through the first date so there's no risk that I'm going to be OK with it for a while and then have to bring it up later. If there's no attraction up front, there will be no dating.
Just to build on this idea, it seems to me that if someone enters into a new relationship with the idea they are going to change someone, that seems like a nice start to a completely dysfunctional relationship anyways. I think it is perfectly acceptable to only pick to date people you are attracted to, I don't really see a good reason to try to force something you don't want. Unless you are unfortunate enough to be having some sort of arranged marriage?The gray area for me comes when you and your SO met when one was at an unhealthy weight.. if that doesn't come up while dating... should it come up in marriage? I'm not sure. At some point it sits too long to be overly appropriate to bring up unless it is the one who has the weight problem who brings it up. There would be exceptions always though.
It just feels like they had to have found the personal attractive to have entered the relationship at all, so something must have changed. If the overweight spouse is still relatively the same then there must be something else going on that is making the other feel less attracted to them I would think.
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I think it would be very difficult to tell someone you really love and respect that they are getting into a weight area that is unattractive to you. there is no way to say that without hurting them. I feel that most people who loved their spouse would suffer in silence before they spoke up.11
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Yes, you should have a say. You have contractually obligated yourself to another human being for the rest of both of your lives, you get a say in everything from finances and families to what colour you dye your hair/shave your head and everything in between.
Communication should never be shied away from. You know your spouse and how best to approach them and if you don't yet, that's how we learn.
Do either of you have to listen? no. Should you? heck yes.
Or deal with the consequences
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Christine_72 wrote: »Just wanted to relay my experience and the trickle on effect... I was at my heaviest at 180 something lbs, along with this weight gain came a drop in confidence, always covering myself up if i was naked in front of my husband, my hands just automatically dropped down to cover my belly which just made him pay even mooore attention to it!! When we were intimate i made sure the lights were dimmed and tried to position myself in the most flattering angle, it was *kitten* draining and totally annoying and mood killing for him.
I felt insecure around other slim women, which in turn caused arguments between me and him. I just felt like a fat, unattractive slob, and honestly who wants to be married to someone with that attitude!!??
...And lets not even get started on my micromanaging and constant blathering on about calories, oi oi oi
You know I can simply relate. My guy told me once if it bothers me (like what you described above) then you need to do something about it. But geez it is draining....1 -
Let me preface this by saying I agree with the majority that yes, I think if it becomes a health issue than your SO should be able to bring it up gently and out of love. Chances are you already know it though.
I agree with @Ironandwine69 though that sex, at least for me, is 99% mental. I've seen my husband at his heaviest and I've seen him at his lightest and where he is now which is somewhere in the middle but none of that has affected whether or not I'm attracted to him or our sex life at all. What I'm attracted to is him as a whole person, his personality and who he is, not just his body. Although I'm attracted to that too but that's maybe like 15% of what makes up attraction for me. Our sex life has never been dependent on how he looks.
I will say he married me at my highest weight (and he was close to his lowest at the time) and it has never bothered him in the slightest. It also doesn't bother him now that I'm a little lighter and he's my biggest supporter right now. Now, it may not have ever bothered him because it never bothered me - I still felt sexy and confident at my highest weight, it never bothered me to have the lights on or anything like that, I would march around in my birthday suit just fine (in the privacy of our house, of course!) and I know he finds that confidence sexy regardless of what I weigh so it hasn't really affected our sex life.
Although it is getting progressively more fun and even more frequent now.
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I think it would be very difficult to tell someone you really love and respect that they are getting into a weight area that is unattractive to you. there is no way to say that without hurting them. I feel that most people who loved their spouse would suffer in silence before they spoke up.
Sometimes the hard thing is the thing that you need to do. Ultimately it would be unlivable for me to not say something.0 -
ivygirl1937 wrote: »
I will say he married me at my highest weight (and he was close to his lowest at the time) and it has never bothered him in the slightest. It also doesn't bother him now that I'm a little lighter and he's my biggest supporter right now. Now, it may not have ever bothered him because it never bothered me - I still felt sexy and confident at my highest weight, it never bothered me to have the lights on or anything like that, I would march around in my birthday suit just fine (in the privacy of our house, of course!) and I know he finds that confidence sexy regardless of what I weigh so it hasn't really affected our sex life.
I think this is a big part of it too, things tend to start spiraling when one person loses self esteem.4 -
When I met my ex boyfriend, I was so confident in my body, It was the summer I graduated high school, I had just lost 50 pounds, and I was so proud of myself. Me and him dated for 6 months and by the middle of that relationship-every bit of confidence I had was destroyed. I, at this point literally starved myself because I was told on numerous occasions that I "may have lost weight, but I was still a fat *kitten*"
It destroyed me. When I finally was wise enough to leave that POS- I met my now husband, and it felt SO good to be able to eat a meal around someone without being told "You're eating far too much" or "No wonder you're so big", It felt amazing. So I packed on the pounds- he still proposed. I was at my heaviest when we got married. (So was he), We have come to the point now where we can discuss the fact that both of us NEED to lose weight, but we don't have to be jacka*ses about it. He knows how to tell me that it wouldn't hurt to lose weight, but he never makes me feel less about myself. So, as other people have said, it's all about how you say it. They should never try to make you feel like you're "too big to be loved". 
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
I understand what you are saying -but attraction means a lot to me as well. We can agree that attraction is a big realm of things. For instance, I have dated this guy that was so HOTTTTT. Geez he was hot, but he had a piss poor personality and attitude, which made him very unattractive to me even though he looked HOT! It is a matter of perspective IMO. For instance I'm not ready to date a 70 year old right now, because the saggy balls and 100% white pubes I'm not ready for.....but I can deal with someone around my age and we are progressing through them things together. I know with age comes potential weight gain, but my expectation is for you to remain active, be conscious about it because I want to be attracted to you, have fun and have you around for a long time.
I don't think we disagree, here, I think I'm just wondering where the line is, for everyone. We're talking about "drastic" changes, or "significant" weight gain, or "Fabio" turned into "Fat Albert," but aside from health concerns, at what point would weight gain (or loss) be significant enough to affect one's marriage based on lack of sexual attraction? Are there other features that are similarly important, or is weight a unique feature because of the perceived ability to "control" it? Because yeah - I can dye my hair. I DO dye my hair. But does he have a right to expect it?
I just don't know. I'm sure the answer is different for everyone, and I know there are a lot of other factors at play, but I'm curious. Like I said - it's a personal insecurity for me, and I think this is a really interesting discussion.
My husband is twice my weight. He's gained about 70# during our marriage. I don't find him less attractive because he's obese. He certainly did find me unattractive when I gained 100#. I don't base my marriage on just having sexy time, but it is nice to get it twice a year instead of never.
If people want to have sex as the main basis of their relationship, that's cool.
Like I said, there are people who aren't relatives who I care about and don't have sex with. Those people are called friends. Fact is, sex is what separates a friend from a romantic partner.
I cannot be happy in a relationship without sex, and I don't mean a grudging once or twice a year but an enthusiastic several times a week. I cannot have sex with someone I'm not attracted to. I'm not attracted to fat people. I'm sure you can see where this is going: I won't be in a relationship with a fat person. Ultimately I choose to live a happy and fulfilling life, and that means having an SO whose bones I want to (and do) jump aggressively and frequently.
Yeah, I get you won't *kitten* fat people. I don't have that option considering it would make me a *kitten* hypocrite.
Weight is not the issue of hubby and I not having sex. It's his HBP meds causing a side effect he's not bothered about changing because he can still "go off" whenever he likes, but not when the train goes in the tunnel.8 -
I actually didn't really notice how much my husband gained. He's Army Reserves though so his weight gain started to be an obstacle to his career. At that point, it was sort of my business. Our family's health insurance was through Tricare. I try not to be a *kitten* about it but he still thinks I care more about his looks than I actually do. I dated plenty of overweight guys, it never bothered me. However, I'm not a fan of the idea of outliving him. I probably will anyway, there are serious longevity genes in my family tree, but I don't want it to start when I'm still young. Would it be nice if he traded in 10 lbs of fat for 10 lbs of muscle? Heck yeah, but none of my feelings depend on him being willing to do that.1
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Yes. No reason necessary.0
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I think it depends on the situation, the reason it's being brought up, and also on how it's presented.
My boyfriend has been with me through my thinner and thicker times and it never made a difference to him. But...we hadn't seen each other for six months and when we finally got together he told me I had gained a lot of weight. He didn't say it meanly....just matter of factly.
I went back home a bit mad at him for saying it, but also mad at myself because it was true. He pointed out what I didn't see. After that I became a member here and dropped the weight. I think I'm still a little mad at him for calling me out on my weight (or maybe I'm just embarrassed), but I'm grateful that he gave me that reality check. I'm healthier and happier which was what he wanted for me.8 -
It's an important question for sure. I don't think slight weight changes should matter so much and yes loving someone overcomes many flaws and personality counts way more than physical appearance but physical appearance can be an outward sign of something internal. When I met my ex, she was fit because she acted and danced and while I was fit, I was definitely not peak athletic fitness anymore, I'd put on a few but just normal in my eyes and she honestly did not mind. But within a year I'd gained about 50lbs more and had grown unhealthy. We lived together and she had seen the change, I was more stressed, I was binge eating, I was drinking more, there was a lot of pressure at work, etc. I had also stopped all sports and truthfully not the same guy. She brought up the weight then because it was a result of several other things she was seeing and it was even affecting her. So I think while I did not like it, out of concern it was very necessary to both wake me up and get my head out of the sand.8
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It's an important question for sure. I don't think slight weight changes should matter so much and yes loving someone overcomes many flaws and personality counts way more than physical appearance but physical appearance can be an outward sign of something internal. When I met my ex, she was fit because she acted and danced and while I was fit, I was definitely not peak athletic fitness anymore, I'd put on a few but just normal in my eyes and she honestly did not mind. But within a year I'd gained about 50lbs more and had grown unhealthy. We lived together and she had seen the change, I was more stressed, I was binge eating, I was drinking more, there was a lot of pressure at work, etc. I had also stopped all sports and truthfully not the same guy. She brought up the weight then because it was a result of several other things she was seeing and it was even affecting her. So I think while I did not like it, out of concern it was very necessary to both wake me up and get my head out of the sand.
This is a different spin on it....and I believe serious weight gain or serious weight loss is an internal sign of something deeper as well. Thanks because I'm not sure this has been brought up in this thread that it could be more going on internally.3 -
I think it is important to want your partner to be healthy.
I had gained 15 pounds since I met my boyfriend and he's gained about 20.
We both told each other in our own way that the other needed to try to be healthier.
He makes little jokes that he knows won't hurt me but made me realize I needed to get in shape or and I make sure to cook healthier meals for him and when he is out on the road for work and asks me what he should get for dinner I suggest something healthier like a salad from subway.
My love hasn't changed for him and I truly believe his hasn't changed for me because of the weight gain we have both put on.
But I think it is important to be honest with each other and always try to push the other to be the best they can be.1 -
Apologies for not reading all the way to the end... I got through to Page 3.
Weight loss or gain is usually the symptoms of something else. Some people comfort eat... What are they comforting themselves from? Some people make bad food choices for convenience...why haven't they the time anymore to eat healthily? Some people lose weight drastically... Was this their intention or is there an underlying health issue that needs diagnosing, like cancer or coeliacs disease? Some people stop doing the leisure activities they once loved and now they're gaining weight... What caused them to stop, and again is this their choice or has something stopped them in their tracks ?
I think it's important for a partner to shine a light on the true cause. Consider their issues rather than pointing out how it affects you're own! Xxx8 -
It's not about not changing over time. That's reasonable. It's about respecting your partner enough to take care of yourself. You can't turn into a fat pig and then say "you should love me no matter what". That's disrespectful, and unreasonable IMO. People have a right to have standards. If you take care of yourself, and your partner does not, then you should say something. Or move on. Either way.9
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I get what you're daying Ebony. It reminds me of a friend of mine, she was a tiny size 6 when she got married, she didn't stay that size for long. .. Her excuse was "I'm married now, i don't have to worry about my appearance any more" .0
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i haven't seen the question of variability in libido/sexuality brought up; maybe it's not a factor most people think of too much. but for myself, i guess the there's-a-name-for-everything-these-days word for my own dot on the libido graph would be demisexual, so my perspective might be different. desire just isn't a subject to me unless i have an interest in the other person personally. random, stranger-based lust has just never happened to me. so i can appreciate pretty people aesthetically, but for myself i can honestly say that it has nothing to do with my sexual interest in them either way.
so, with those colours nailed to the mast, here's some thoughts.
- i never have had a 'you're fat, i'm not into you' conversation with a partner, from either side. if i loved someone then i didn't care. i never have cared, which has been pretty nice for the guys, iyam
and i'm just plain not interested in anyone else but the person who interests me. but if it had ever come up, then i think before even getting into the how-do-we-work-this-one-out, we would have had to put in some time first understanding what each other's perspectives looked like in this respect. because if you don't give a damn your own self, it's honestly hard to get your head into the perspective of somebody else. and if you do give a damn, it might be equally hard to understand that your partner's indifference might not be 'disrespect' of you and your wants after all.
- something else: there's a lot of talk about how 'if a person gets fat then there are other issues involved.' true enough, i suppose. but i think too that a lot of the time if a person CARES that their partner is fat, there might be other issues involved. i don't think there's a one-size definitive answer to that, but i do think that it ought to be looked at as well, any time something like this is coming up.
- for myself, the 'care about your health' thing is legit . . . if it IS really caring about someone's health. if it's just a conveniently high-sounding excuse for some other more 'shallow' reason, then not okay. because lying and cowardice suck in whatever context.
- and finally, i guess i'll say this. aesthetics don't matter to me, but as a woman one of the hardest truth-bombs to drop is the simple-mechanics way someone's size affects sex. 'i love you but your dick doesn't reach', basically. that's speaking with brutal directness right to a socially-ingrained vulnerability in every man that i've known, and if it is about the pure mechanics (which it is) then there's nowhere for either party to hide. it can't be covered up with the cliches, and from a woman's perspective dropping the euphemisms and just delivering a sex-101 explanation of why it's a thing is almost as vulnerable.13 -
All of my past relationships involved being brutally honest from both parties. It doesn't mean being outright nasty about it, but I always prefer to hear things the way they are. Weight is no exception. My previous partner outright asked me if I was planning to do anything about my creeping weight, and I outright told him "not likely", then asked if this was going to be a problem and we agreed it wasn't going to affect our relationship. It ended there and we lived happily ever after (until we were forced to part due to circumstances out of our control). For some people this kind of honesty is not desirable, but every relationship is different. For me, personally, I feel happier when everything is in the open because I know I can trust that person not to have hidden resentments that may affect us in the long run. I also know it would be easier for my partner not to mull over sensitive topics trying to find ways to successfully tiptoe around me.
Yes, I think a partner has the right to express concern, and I'm also not opposed to these concern being related to physical appearance. People like what they like, and if something is a deal breaker I would rather know in advance that this isn't going to be a good fit. It gets trickier if it's a long term relationship, probably with children involved, and both parties should think really long and hard about ways to resolve this in this case. I don't mean to say that people should just outright reject other people solely on appearance, but weighing how much a certain aspect affects a relationship and what compromises feel reasonable shouldn't be frowned upon in fear of sounding superficial.
Other ways weight may affect relationship: inability to do activities, like an avid hiker's partner gaining weight and becoming unable to keep up with an activity that is integral to their partner's life, or someone becoming overly obsessed with being thin that they refuse to participate in activities the couple used to enjoy like going out or throwing BBQ parties. These issues should be discussed, and unlike many, I'm not entirely opposed to a person losing/gaining weight to make their partner happier with two caveats: that change should not be something that they themselves would be unhappy with (that is, not making yourself miserable for another person), and it shouldn't be as a result of an ultimatum or the kind of pressure that would make them feel like a failure if they decide at one point to stop pursuing it.6
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