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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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My wife didn't have any problems letting me know that I was getting overly fat. Did she still love me? Yeah...but she didn't have any issues letting me know that maybe I was letting things get a bit out of hand. She was also concerned from a health standpoint. It wasn't like I just put on a little weight either...I put on a good 50 Lbs over the course of 8 years or so of marriage.
Both my wife and I were relatively lean when we met and through 5 years of dating before we got married. She put on a small amount of weight after we settled into "family life", but I blew up like a balloon.15 -
I don't understand how having a "say" would not be a demand/pressure that the partner gain or lose weight to suit the SO. No, I don't think they should have a say in that way over someone else's body.
I think you can express loving concern for your SO if they are not at a healthy weight or complaining a lot about their body. You want them to be healthy for them.
If you are not as attracted physically to more or less weight then I suppose you should let them know it is an issue for you that you can not get past for the physical side of the relationship. You should tell the truth about that asap. It is offensive and hurtful but there are degrees of offensive. Telling the truth about your attraction apologetically is better than over the course of time making negative digs constantly or calling names or manipulating them.
My experience of 17 years of marriage is that both of our bodies have changed. I didn't notice when dh gradually gained or lost weight like someone who saw him less frequently might. He just looked like the person I loved.
I have been 125-180 lbs. When I decided to lose weight dh expressed concern that I lose weight safely and had healthy goals in mind. He has said that he loves me and wants me to be healthy and happy not a particular size. He thinks I am sexy at all the weights I have been. He has never asked me to lose weight, exercise more, or monitored my eating. He has supported me in what I want for myself.
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I think you certainly have the right to comment on what's important to you in a relationship. I would hope that those things (priorities) were made clear fairly early in the relationship so both sides knew what they were getting into.
I also think the other person has the right to respond with a big ol "f*** you" if they see fit.16 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »I understand it is a personal and touchy issue, but should you remain quiet knowing that your partner's health is at risk, or if in fact that you are truly not attracted to them anymore?
I'm on the fence with this, because I have struggled to lose weight my whole life...and I have been offended 80% of the time when my weight is brought up. But when I analyzed why I was behaving this way, it is because internally it is something that I struggle with. The truth is/was I do need to lose weight and just because it is hard for me to hear doesn't mean it isn't the truth. However, I would have welcomed the convo better if after the conversation it was led with, ways to help me achieve that goal.
On the other hand, I know what I am attracted to and it would be a struggle for me if my guy gained an enormous amount of weight OR was frail thin AND WAS NOT SICK.
So I don't know how I feel about this subject yet
My husband is on HBP meds and has been told to lose weight by our GP. I've done what I can to "help" him, but after 2 years of "helping", I finally learned he doesn't want "help" and my life is better off letting him keep gaining weight and having his medication upped to higher doses. It's easier and simpler for him to be on medication to control his health rather than put in effort to lose weight and get off the meds. I suppose he's seen my results of massive weight loss and how it didn't help my health. I was diagnosed with HPB and highish cholesterol 5 years ago. I lost 181# and still have HBP and highish cholesterol.
Do I still love him? As much as I can, though my issues with him are not directly related to his weight.16 -
I have mixed feelings about "SO", but that term can vary so widely from dude I just met a week ago to commonlaw spouse, so I am not going to comment on it at all.
As for spouses, yes. It is important to accept changes in your partner and realize they will not look the same forever. I also feel if you have made an agreement to go through life together as a team, so you should both uphold your end of that bargain and try not to bring extra issues upon yourselves. To me that includes looking after your own and each others health. Obviously, there are certain things that will always be outside our control and you just have to take those as they come, but I feel it would be incredibly unfair to my husband to eat myself to 500lbs and require him to help take care of me as I lose mobility and welcome all sorts of health issues. I think there is a point where it is ok to say this is unfair to our marriage and family.
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I do think that a partner has a right to speak up if they feel you are too thin or too large. I think the conversation should be handled respectfully and kindly, but your weight and health is their business just as much as it is yours because your lives are now wrapped up in one another's.
Personally, if I meet someone who looks like Fabio and then 5 years later, he's morphed into Fat Albert, I would need to say something. Especially if I'm still working to keep myself healthy and attractive. On a base level, it's not fair for me to be putting in work on my end to stay attractive and healthy and the other person is not. It's an inequal division of labor, and with weight gain comes health problems, sometimes problems in the bedroom department...just things that will affect my life. It's not fair to foist that upon your partner, especially when it is absolutely not what they signed up for when they met you.
Also weight gain can change so many things about a person beside physical appearance. The show Fit to Fat to Fit shows this really well, like when people gain weight, sometimes their personalities change. Their hobbies and activities change. Even in my friendships, I have a friend who used to be pretty active when we first met. We used to go on walks and go dancing and just be out. She was so much fun. About...30-50 lbs later, she's not so much fun anymore, because she doesn't have the energy or stamina to do those kinds of things any longer. We mostly sit around at her house, or we sit in bars or we sit in movie theatres lol. I don't talk to her about her weight, but I do wish that she would get control of the situation because her gaining weight has changed the tone of our friendship and made it less enjoyable for me.
I imagine people who are in relationships have the same struggle, where if one person gains weight, they aren't able to do the things they used to do or should be doing.
And lastly, habits do rub off. If your partner is not living a healthy lifestyle, it is harder for you to live a healthy lifestyle. And if you end up with a body that you're not happy with because you are living the way that your partner does, it will make you resent your partner. Even with my friend, the first year we met, I gained a smooth 20 lbs. Just by hanging out with her, eating how she eats, drinking as much as she does...I packed on the weight fast, and it made me miserable. I was able to lose it and then some, thank God, and I didn't come to resent her or anything. But to do that, I had to sit and have a firm and honest conversation with myself about what was happening and what I needed to do.
With all that said, there are caveats. If your partner is sick or is taking some kind of medication that is contributing to weight gain or if your partner is pregnant or post-partum, obviously, tread super lightly. Like superrrrr lightly or consider postponing the conversation altogether, because maybe your partner needs to lose weight, but there are so many other things happening at that point that are arguably more important than weight.
For my part, I'm not in a relationship or trying to date right now, but when I do, I already know that I'm going to have to watch out for my weight, and I will definitely do my best to. I do not want to be a person who enters a relationship and lets themselves go, especially because if the relationship ends, the weight will still be there lol. It's not worth it.16 -
there's so much more to being attracted to someone than outward appearances, at least for me. however, i strongly believe in open communication in a relationship, in regards to anything. when you truly love someone, you accept that over time their body will change, and maybe you don't even notice it because that's not what you really SEE when you look at them. buuuut... if it becomes a health concern, changes a persons personality (becoming uncomfortable/depressed, etc), and/or starts carrying into other aspects of their life... it needs to be addressed. tactfully, obviously. but definitely addressed.3
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I am not sure If this will be a popular opinion, but I think that you should be able to have this conversation for both health well being reasons as well as appearance reasons. From a health perspective, if you love someone, and you see them doing something, anything that is causing serious harm to themselves would you let it go. I would argue you don't really love that person if you do. Now I am not saying be insulting, but I would not let it go. In regards to appearance, physical attraction is important in a healthy relationship. Everyone has what they find attractive or beautiful, and you should be able to talk about that with your partner openly. Also as someone else mentions appearance is not just weight, do you put yourself together, wash and groom regularly, do your hair, wear decent clothes etc. I have some very fit friends who always complain their husbands don't find them attractive anymore. But I only ever see them in sweats, with their hair in a ponytail. Sometimes they don't shower everyday. They don't shave their legs all winter. I want to ask them do they really wonder why? Its like as soon as they got married they felt like they didn't have to try anymore. If you can take time to care about yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?15
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I can only speak from my experience. Hubs and I are both pretty dense and not terribly sensitive.
Hubs: "You are eating another piece of chocolate?"
Me: *angry glare and clutches chocolate bar obsessively*
Me: "Why do you have a gym membership. You haven't gone in 2 years. Tell them you want your money back because your still fat."
Hubs: "I'm gonna go next week. Did you buy beer?"
Me & Hubs: "God we've gained so much baby weight."
Hubs: "It's your fault for making all that awesome food on maternity leave."
Me: "I grew a person. I need to eat. What's your excuse?"
We openly discuss our fatness...It's sad but we are both somewhat amused by it. Good thing we found each other. There is no one else I rather eat ice cream with while watching My 600lb life.80 -
enterdanger wrote: »I can only speak from my experience. Hubs and I are both pretty dense and not terribly sensitive.
Hubs: "You are eating another piece of chocolate?"
Me: *angry glare and clutches chocolate bar obsessively*
Me: "Why do you have a gym membership. You haven't gone in 2 years. Tell them you want your money back because your still fat."
Hubs: "I'm gonna go next week. Did you buy beer?"
Me & Hubs: "God we've gained so much baby weight."
Hubs: "It's your fault for making all that awesome food on maternity leave."
Me: "I grew a person. I need to eat. What's your excuse?"
We openly discuss our fatness...It's sad but we are both somewhat amused by it. Good thing we found each other. There is no one else I rather eat ice cream with while watching My 600lb life.
This made me laugh.4 -
@chaosbutterfly - You mention some interesting points. Often time with weight gain comes decreased activity levels. My cousin gained a good amount of weight - now she rarely wants to go out in public b/c she is afraid someone will see her that she knows. This bothers her husband b/c she will not go to family events, vacations or other events.4
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One of my husbands said things about my being overweight and he is now an ex.
My present husband says things about my weight but he is kind and supportive.
So I guess it depends on how they approach it.
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No, it is your body not theirs!6
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I know there are people who will find this shallow, and that's fine with me. It won't change my opinion.
A relationship, for me, has to involve a happy sex life and that requires me to actually be sexually attracted to the person I'm with. I can't and won't stay in a relationship where that isn't the case. So yes, I'd say something. I have in the past, and I would hope that anyone I'm going to be involved with would do the same. People downplay the importance of sex, including physical sexual attraction, in a relationship all the time, and will quickly judge me for stating that while not everything, it is an extremely important thing. Dead bedrooms end relationships. I've been there, and I put up with it for far too long when I was. I will never do it again.
If that means pointing out that weight gain is making my significant other no longer attractive to me and that the options are to eat less, move more and lose weight or split up, I'll feel no guilt about it. This is the only life I get, and it's going to be a fulfilling one because I won't accept less.22 -
I think it's possible to love someone whether they're thin or fat, however we like what we like. If you are physically attracted to someone and they change significantly, and you're no longer physically attracted to them, then that hurts your relationship. I was over 100kg when I met my fiancé three years ago. It might have been that he preferred bigger girls, physically. I have to respect that and accept that it also affects him if I am no longer that girl. It hasn't been an issue yet, but I am currently roughly 15kg overweight still and only the other day he said something about "not getting too skinny". I feel that I am getting close to what he is comfortable, and mindful that the next 15kg might be confronting. Or maybe I'll only lose 10 and we can both be okay with it. It's definitely something to think about.
I also think it goes the other way. If you meet someone who's fit and healthy and 5 years later they're 300lbs and don't take care of themselves anymore - that's a complete lack of respect and a fine reason for someone to leave you.5 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
I mean, personally, I'd want my S.O. to tell me if he thought I was too large or too thin and I tell him that often. He keeps me in check from my own perspective. I'm actively working towards benching 135 lbs, squatting and DL-ing insane weight, and he is very honest when it comes to every inch of my body. Arms are getting bigger, stomach should be flatter, etc. but it's because I ask him for honest opinions. It doesn't make him love me less or more, it's just an opinion because sometimes I get super in my own head and can't see myself the way others do.5 -
I think my husband would probably say something if i started getting fat, but in a jokey loving way. He would never be abusive or name call. I don't know how to say this politely, but i doubt he would be attracted to me in the bedroom if i was obese, and honestly, vice versa.
We're having the opposite problem at the moment, he is always nagging me to stop losing weight, as to him skinny women are not attractive. But the true reason for his carry on is bOObage, he does not want them to shrink :grumble: He would rather me have the belly podge that drives me nuts and keep my boobs, than have a perfectly flat tummy and no boobs.14 -
Christine_72 wrote: »I think my husband would probably say something if i started getting fat, but in a jokey loving way. He would never be abusive or name call. I don't know how to say this politely, but i doubt he would be attracted to me in the bedroom if i was obese, and honestly, vice versa.
We're having the opposite problem at the moment, he is always nagging me to stop losing weight, as to him skinny women are not attractive. But the true reason for his carry on is bOObage, he does not want them to shrink :grumble: He would rather me have the belly podge that drives me nuts and keep my boobs, than have a perfectly flat tummy and no boobs.
If he wants your boobs, he can pay for surgery.
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Christine_72 wrote: »I think my husband would probably say something if i started getting fat, but in a jokey loving way. He would never be abusive or name call. I don't know how to say this politely, but i doubt he would be attracted to me in the bedroom if i was obese, and honestly, vice versa.
We're having the opposite problem at the moment, he is always nagging me to stop losing weight, as to him skinny women are not attractive. But the true reason for his carry on is bOObage, he does not want them to shrink :grumble: He would rather me have the belly podge that drives me nuts and keep my boobs, than have a perfectly flat tummy and no boobs.
If he wants your boobs, he can pay for surgery.
Haha i said those exact words to him, but i think we would both prefer small boobs to fake ones. Just to clarify, i do not have small ones, they're just smaller than they once were.
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Not sure if I'm supposed to tell anyone that he/she IMO is gravitationally challenged.
Comments regarding personal characteristics usually aren't conceived too well if not made in enthusiastic positive ways.
But I for sure know that the marriage is over should The_Best_Of_All_Possible_Wives ever ask: "Do you think I'm too fat?" ... If anyone knows the correct answered to this, please let me know. (Hint: It's not "Compared to what?")14 -
My bf is on the thinner side and even when he lost more weight we didn't talk about it all the time. However, when he tells me he is getting dizzy or so, I let him know that maybe he should eat something. He is only gaining weight when he is on vacation with me and I eat. If we talk about it I always let him know that I like him and it's not about appearance (it's really not) but rather for his health since he is getting dizzy and feels less energy.
As for him, he never told me anything. We met when I was around 80 kg and now I am around 58-59 kg. He'd compliment me despite the weight on me. There was one time three years ago if not more that he told me to slow down with eating but I remember I had eaten way too much and he knew that this would make me feel bad afterwards. Plus he was very polite so I didn't feel offended.
If you care about your S.O's health then you can have a talk. Don't emphasize too much on the appearance though because in the end being obese or underweight will only lead to health problems. In the end, it's our lives and we can't control another's. It's up to the individual to change for better or worse, isn't it? We can talk, we mustn't control.
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"My body, my choice" works for guys too. I've flat out told SWMBO - who when I was still at 28% bodyfat said I was emaciated - "well, you don't get a say in the matter."5
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When it gets to dangerous level, I would hope the spouse would be concerned and try to intervene. You see the shows about people who are 6, 7 hundred pounds and can't get out of bed. Who is bringing food???
Also, people are attracted to certain types of bodies. You just are. If you fall in love with someone who then completely changes, well, you will probably feel less attracted to them. That doesn't mean that it's okay to go and commit adultery mind you, or be an *kitten* about it. If your spouse asks something along the lines of 'why aren't we as intimate as we used to be' an honest answer can be 'because I am not as attracted to you because of X" X can be weight gain or loss, growing a beard, or any number of physical things.
So I guess, what I am trying to says is both spouses should have input on the other, but not in a 'do this or I'll leave you' or abusive type of mentality, but rather a supportive mentality to help foster a healthy marriage.6 -
Also, people are attracted to certain types of bodies. You just are. If you fall in love with someone who then completely changes, well, you will probably feel less attracted to them. That doesn't mean that it's okay to go and commit adultery mind you, or be an *kitten* about it. If your spouse asks something along the lines of 'why aren't we as intimate as we used to be' an honest answer can be 'because I am not as attracted to you because of X" X can be weight gain or loss, growing a beard, or any number of physical things.
And if you're not attracted to them, you don't owe them sex.So I guess, what I am trying to says is both spouses should have input on the other, but not in a 'do this or I'll leave you' or abusive type of mentality, but rather a supportive mentality to help foster a healthy marriage.
See, I think it's perfectly acceptable to say that you're not going to stay in a relationship (even a marriage) if it has become sexless because I believe that sex is a very important part of a healthy adult relationship. Weight gain that is making my SO unattractive to me physically will be brought up early, and if it does not change, I will leave. And I expect my SO would do the same.2 -
I think that health related discussions are done, and so are ones that revolve around drastic changes. I went from from being super over weight when we got married to reasonably fit. I lost 120lbs. My wife doesn't seem to care one way or the other, odd.7
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So the one's that that said they would leave the relationship - is it because you think being overly too big or overyly too thin is a choice and self inflicted?0
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I think what they're saying is that, whether it's a choice or not, if there's no sex in the marriage because there's no attraction, it isn't going to last anyway. I'm sure there are more aspects to attraction than just physical appearance, though.2
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »So the one's that that said they would leave the relationship - is it because you think being overly too big or overyly too thin is a choice and self inflicted?
Absent an actual disease like Prader-WIlli (which would make having an adult relationship difficult because of the mental capacity issues), or anorexia nervosa it absolutely is a choice.I think what they're saying is that, whether it's a choice or not, if there's no sex in the marriage because there's no attraction, it isn't going to last anyway. I'm sure there are more aspects to attraction than just physical appearance, though.
There may be more aspects, but the physical one is absolutely required for me to be attracted to someone. If it's not for you, that's fine, but for some of us it's necessary.
A dead bedroom does not a good relationship make, and a fat out of shape partner isn't someone that I'm going to get turned on by.4 -
I think what they're saying is that, whether it's a choice or not, if there's no sex in the marriage because there's no attraction, it isn't going to last anyway. I'm sure there are more aspects to attraction than just physical appearance, though.
I agree with you.
I know that some people don't view sex as being as important in a relationship as I do, but for me, if we're not connecting in a sexual way anymore then that's a huge issue. I've found that when we're lacking on it, it bleeds into other parts of our relationship because we're both more irritable with one another due to the fact that we're sexually frustrated. When we have a good sex life together, everything is better.
Absolutely true. If you're not intimate, then you're roommates8
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