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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »in a decent, polite way, yes.
My ex would just blantly tell me I'm getting fat and force me to do excercise.
that's why he's the ex.
@rodwen89 High Five to you for leaving a situation like that. But, what is a decent polite way? I'm asking because no matter how nice and sensitive someone was to me (and my other friends in this situation) it came off as brash. It wasn't until I fully accepted it myself that i was able to hear the sincerity.
For some reason we hear it totally different as the way it was presented....
I guess, for me,this would depend on the dynamic of the relationship and how the communication is with other subjects.4 -
You can love someone at any weight and still have preferences in regards to their appearance.
I totally agree with this.
My fiance let me know very early on that he loved the way I looked and never wanted me to change.
That being said, after about 3 years together I had gained about 15 lbs and he never mentioned it, even when I did.
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As someone below said, when it's about appearance, no. When it's about health, yes. I haven't read the whole thread, I admit, but what I haven't seen in any of the responses I've read so far is the consideration that one spouse's health can have devastating effects on others. If one partner has, for example, a heart attack or stroke because s/he is obese, you can be damn sure it will affect the entire family - psychologically, physically, financially. Possibly forever. Or an obese parent's poor example for his or her children may doom them to a lifetime of obesity themselves.
My mom's entire side of the family has a huge history of diabetes, heart attack, and stroke. Some of it, I acknowledge, is genetic predisposition - I have to work REALLY HARD to keep the weight off while my husband can skip one meal and lose 5 pounds, I swear - but most of it is self-imposed. I've seen the fallout of their health issues- divorce, substance abuse, bankruptcy, torched relationships. I DO NOT want to be the burden to my beloved husband and/or children that my mom became to me. I will do everything in my power to prevent that for as long as I can.26 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »in a decent, polite way, yes.
My ex would just blantly tell me I'm getting fat and force me to do excercise.
that's why he's the ex.
@rodwen89 High Five to you for leaving a situation like that. But, what is a decent polite way? I'm asking because no matter how nice and sensitive someone was to me (and my other friends in this situation) it came off as brash. It wasn't until I fully accepted it myself that i was able to hear the sincerity.
For some reason we hear it totally different as the way it was presented....
I guess, for me,this would depend on the dynamic of the relationship and how the communication is with other subjects.
That's a very good point of view.3 -
MY OPINION ONLY!!!! SO ALL YOU REGULAR BASHERS, DON'T COMMENT!!!
I think this should be a discussion when dating. I hear guys all the time saying if their wife gained weight they would make her run around the block. I always told my husband even when we first started to date he would look better with a little bit more weight. Only because he looks unhealthy, not unattractive because he is very attractive. He has never said anything about my weight but when you think you look your best and don't get a compliment, well, you have to read between the lines. If you, yourself don't feel good about your weight you shouldn't expect others to feel good about your weight either.18 -
As someone below said, when it's about appearance, no. When it's about health, yes. I haven't read the whole thread, I admit, but what I haven't seen in any of the responses I've read so far is the consideration that one spouse's health can have devastating effects on others. If one partner has, for example, a heart attack or stroke because s/he is obese, you can be damn sure it will affect the entire family - psychologically, physically, financially. Possibly forever. Or an obese parent's poor example for his or her children may doom them to a lifetime of obesity themselves.
My mom's entire side of the family has a huge history of diabetes, heart attack, and stroke. Some of it, I acknowledge, is genetic predisposition - I have to work REALLY HARD to keep the weight off while my husband can skip one meal and lose 5 pounds, I swear - but most of it is self-imposed. I've seen the fallout of their health issues- divorce, substance abuse, bankruptcy, torched relationships. I DO NOT want to be the burden to my beloved husband and/or children that my mom became to me. I will do everything in my power to prevent that for as long as I can.
This is a very good point of view - and I am playing devil's advocate here for a moment. You took this stance on your own. How would it be taken if you went to your Mom or spouse with this concern - I want you to lose weight because this is a strain on the family, finances and weighs on us psychologically, hell could even potentially shorten their life, etc (in a nice and concerning way)....which are all good points - the other person, most likely, would be pissed OR hurt and automatically categorize this as an attack, body shaming or even being judgmental towards them...0 -
I'm not sure how to say this...but I think care for appearance needs to be factored in. Not so much for weight loss but weight gain. If my spouse is gaining weight, but still is wearing/buying nice clothes, is well groomed and still active in our relationship (i.e. we still go for walks, and have great sex) it's not an issue - attractiveness is more than just physical, it's the whole package. That said, if weight gain is happening, and all effort in appearance has gone, they maybe a conversation should happen. The approach should be "What's going on?" and "How can I help," instead of "You're fat, do something".
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rolenthegreat wrote: »I think there's a line. My guy has definitely put on some pounds since we've been together and I've pestered him to try not to binge eat and get some actual exercise because I am concerned about his health not because I find him 'unattractive' now.
But I think massive weight changes can frequently come with changes in general personality. And I think those are the changes that actually make people leave a spouse for being 'fat'.
I think that's probably hitting the nail on the head, and it goes along with @Gallowmere1984 story. I'm sure there are a-holes who truly trade in their "fat" wife for a skinny one, but I think, more often than not, if a couple splits over something like this, the weight gain is just one of many factors - depression, stress, exhaustion, etc., which is making the relationship difficult.MY OPINION ONLY!!!! SO ALL YOU REGULAR BASHERS, DON'T COMMENT!!!
I think this should be a discussion when dating. I hear guys all the time saying if their wife gained weight they would make her run around the block. I always told my husband even when we first started to date he would look better with a little bit more weight. Only because he looks unhealthy, not unattractive because he is very attractive. He has never said anything about my weight but when you think you look your best and don't get a compliment, well, you have to read between the lines. If you, yourself don't feel good about your weight you shouldn't expect others to feel good about your weight either.
I agree with this, too, but I think it's simplistic. People grow, people change, lives change. My ex and I discussed everything under the sun before we got married, and boy, we thought we had it figured out. But 8 years later, our lives looked very different, our perspectives had changed, we'd both changed, and some of those conversations we'd had way back just seemed like good ammo. "You SAID you'd never..."
I mean, don't marry a guy who says he'll make you run around the block if you gain 5 pounds. That's obvious. But barring big blaring red flags like that, it's really hard to say how someone is going to handle situations 10 years down the road.32 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »rolenthegreat wrote: »I think there's a line. My guy has definitely put on some pounds since we've been together and I've pestered him to try not to binge eat and get some actual exercise because I am concerned about his health not because I find him 'unattractive' now.
But I think massive weight changes can frequently come with changes in general personality. And I think those are the changes that actually make people leave a spouse for being 'fat'.
I think that's probably hitting the nail on the head, and it goes along with @Gallowmere1984 story. I'm sure there are a-holes who truly trade in their "fat" wife for a skinny one, but I think, more often than not, if a couple splits over something like this, the weight gain is just one of many factors - depression, stress, exhaustion, etc., which is making the relationship difficult.MY OPINION ONLY!!!! SO ALL YOU REGULAR BASHERS, DON'T COMMENT!!!
I think this should be a discussion when dating. I hear guys all the time saying if their wife gained weight they would make her run around the block. I always told my husband even when we first started to date he would look better with a little bit more weight. Only because he looks unhealthy, not unattractive because he is very attractive. He has never said anything about my weight but when you think you look your best and don't get a compliment, well, you have to read between the lines. If you, yourself don't feel good about your weight you shouldn't expect others to feel good about your weight either.
I agree with this, too, but I think it's simplistic. People grow, people change, lives change. My ex and I discussed everything under the sun before we got married, and boy, we thought we had it figured out. But 8 years later, our lives looked very different, our perspectives had changed, we'd both changed, and some of those conversations we'd had way back just seemed like good ammo. "You SAID you'd never..."
I mean, don't marry a guy who says he'll make you run around the block if you gain 5 pounds. That's obvious. But barring big blaring red flags like that, it's really hard to say how someone is going to handle situations 10 years down the road.
You may have a point. I have a friend that only wanted to date studs, with muscles....well that list has changed since most (I said MOST) of those guys were no good to her. Now she feels she will sacrifice the muscles for a a decent dude that will treat her nice, be respectful and be faithful....
But those are character flaws. I believe one can have that balance in a partner.8 -
What you seem to be asking is really "Is conditional love ok?"
Of course! The concept of unconditional love is absurd. No rational person would love someone who physically or mentally abuses them. This is simply a matter of what we are willing to put up with and the level of tactfullness applied.
As for weight and aesthetics? These are fleeting to begin with. With anything it isn't what is said, but how it is said. Is this coming from a place of love or hostility? Is ignoring destructive behavior an act of love or cowardice? No one is offended by falsehoods, so if you are offended, there's likely an element of truth to what is being said.
Demands and ultimatums are doomed for failure - this scenario is never going to end well and highlights serious lack of communication in a relationship to begin with. A better way to approaching this would be to point out a specific activity that promotes a healthy weight and lifestyle. "Hey there's a 5 k coming up this summer and I want us to do this together".
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My wife didn't have any problems letting me know that I was getting overly fat. Did she still love me? Yeah...but she didn't have any issues letting me know that maybe I was letting things get a bit out of hand. She was also concerned from a health standpoint. It wasn't like I just put on a little weight either...I put on a good 50 Lbs over the course of 8 years or so of marriage.
Both my wife and I were relatively lean when we met and through 5 years of dating before we got married. She put on a small amount of weight after we settled into "family life", but I blew up like a balloon.15 -
I don't understand how having a "say" would not be a demand/pressure that the partner gain or lose weight to suit the SO. No, I don't think they should have a say in that way over someone else's body.
I think you can express loving concern for your SO if they are not at a healthy weight or complaining a lot about their body. You want them to be healthy for them.
If you are not as attracted physically to more or less weight then I suppose you should let them know it is an issue for you that you can not get past for the physical side of the relationship. You should tell the truth about that asap. It is offensive and hurtful but there are degrees of offensive. Telling the truth about your attraction apologetically is better than over the course of time making negative digs constantly or calling names or manipulating them.
My experience of 17 years of marriage is that both of our bodies have changed. I didn't notice when dh gradually gained or lost weight like someone who saw him less frequently might. He just looked like the person I loved.
I have been 125-180 lbs. When I decided to lose weight dh expressed concern that I lose weight safely and had healthy goals in mind. He has said that he loves me and wants me to be healthy and happy not a particular size. He thinks I am sexy at all the weights I have been. He has never asked me to lose weight, exercise more, or monitored my eating. He has supported me in what I want for myself.
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I think you certainly have the right to comment on what's important to you in a relationship. I would hope that those things (priorities) were made clear fairly early in the relationship so both sides knew what they were getting into.
I also think the other person has the right to respond with a big ol "f*** you" if they see fit.16 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »I understand it is a personal and touchy issue, but should you remain quiet knowing that your partner's health is at risk, or if in fact that you are truly not attracted to them anymore?
I'm on the fence with this, because I have struggled to lose weight my whole life...and I have been offended 80% of the time when my weight is brought up. But when I analyzed why I was behaving this way, it is because internally it is something that I struggle with. The truth is/was I do need to lose weight and just because it is hard for me to hear doesn't mean it isn't the truth. However, I would have welcomed the convo better if after the conversation it was led with, ways to help me achieve that goal.
On the other hand, I know what I am attracted to and it would be a struggle for me if my guy gained an enormous amount of weight OR was frail thin AND WAS NOT SICK.
So I don't know how I feel about this subject yet
My husband is on HBP meds and has been told to lose weight by our GP. I've done what I can to "help" him, but after 2 years of "helping", I finally learned he doesn't want "help" and my life is better off letting him keep gaining weight and having his medication upped to higher doses. It's easier and simpler for him to be on medication to control his health rather than put in effort to lose weight and get off the meds. I suppose he's seen my results of massive weight loss and how it didn't help my health. I was diagnosed with HPB and highish cholesterol 5 years ago. I lost 181# and still have HBP and highish cholesterol.
Do I still love him? As much as I can, though my issues with him are not directly related to his weight.16 -
I have mixed feelings about "SO", but that term can vary so widely from dude I just met a week ago to commonlaw spouse, so I am not going to comment on it at all.
As for spouses, yes. It is important to accept changes in your partner and realize they will not look the same forever. I also feel if you have made an agreement to go through life together as a team, so you should both uphold your end of that bargain and try not to bring extra issues upon yourselves. To me that includes looking after your own and each others health. Obviously, there are certain things that will always be outside our control and you just have to take those as they come, but I feel it would be incredibly unfair to my husband to eat myself to 500lbs and require him to help take care of me as I lose mobility and welcome all sorts of health issues. I think there is a point where it is ok to say this is unfair to our marriage and family.
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I do think that a partner has a right to speak up if they feel you are too thin or too large. I think the conversation should be handled respectfully and kindly, but your weight and health is their business just as much as it is yours because your lives are now wrapped up in one another's.
Personally, if I meet someone who looks like Fabio and then 5 years later, he's morphed into Fat Albert, I would need to say something. Especially if I'm still working to keep myself healthy and attractive. On a base level, it's not fair for me to be putting in work on my end to stay attractive and healthy and the other person is not. It's an inequal division of labor, and with weight gain comes health problems, sometimes problems in the bedroom department...just things that will affect my life. It's not fair to foist that upon your partner, especially when it is absolutely not what they signed up for when they met you.
Also weight gain can change so many things about a person beside physical appearance. The show Fit to Fat to Fit shows this really well, like when people gain weight, sometimes their personalities change. Their hobbies and activities change. Even in my friendships, I have a friend who used to be pretty active when we first met. We used to go on walks and go dancing and just be out. She was so much fun. About...30-50 lbs later, she's not so much fun anymore, because she doesn't have the energy or stamina to do those kinds of things any longer. We mostly sit around at her house, or we sit in bars or we sit in movie theatres lol. I don't talk to her about her weight, but I do wish that she would get control of the situation because her gaining weight has changed the tone of our friendship and made it less enjoyable for me.
I imagine people who are in relationships have the same struggle, where if one person gains weight, they aren't able to do the things they used to do or should be doing.
And lastly, habits do rub off. If your partner is not living a healthy lifestyle, it is harder for you to live a healthy lifestyle. And if you end up with a body that you're not happy with because you are living the way that your partner does, it will make you resent your partner. Even with my friend, the first year we met, I gained a smooth 20 lbs. Just by hanging out with her, eating how she eats, drinking as much as she does...I packed on the weight fast, and it made me miserable. I was able to lose it and then some, thank God, and I didn't come to resent her or anything. But to do that, I had to sit and have a firm and honest conversation with myself about what was happening and what I needed to do.
With all that said, there are caveats. If your partner is sick or is taking some kind of medication that is contributing to weight gain or if your partner is pregnant or post-partum, obviously, tread super lightly. Like superrrrr lightly or consider postponing the conversation altogether, because maybe your partner needs to lose weight, but there are so many other things happening at that point that are arguably more important than weight.
For my part, I'm not in a relationship or trying to date right now, but when I do, I already know that I'm going to have to watch out for my weight, and I will definitely do my best to. I do not want to be a person who enters a relationship and lets themselves go, especially because if the relationship ends, the weight will still be there lol. It's not worth it.16 -
there's so much more to being attracted to someone than outward appearances, at least for me. however, i strongly believe in open communication in a relationship, in regards to anything. when you truly love someone, you accept that over time their body will change, and maybe you don't even notice it because that's not what you really SEE when you look at them. buuuut... if it becomes a health concern, changes a persons personality (becoming uncomfortable/depressed, etc), and/or starts carrying into other aspects of their life... it needs to be addressed. tactfully, obviously. but definitely addressed.3
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I am not sure If this will be a popular opinion, but I think that you should be able to have this conversation for both health well being reasons as well as appearance reasons. From a health perspective, if you love someone, and you see them doing something, anything that is causing serious harm to themselves would you let it go. I would argue you don't really love that person if you do. Now I am not saying be insulting, but I would not let it go. In regards to appearance, physical attraction is important in a healthy relationship. Everyone has what they find attractive or beautiful, and you should be able to talk about that with your partner openly. Also as someone else mentions appearance is not just weight, do you put yourself together, wash and groom regularly, do your hair, wear decent clothes etc. I have some very fit friends who always complain their husbands don't find them attractive anymore. But I only ever see them in sweats, with their hair in a ponytail. Sometimes they don't shower everyday. They don't shave their legs all winter. I want to ask them do they really wonder why? Its like as soon as they got married they felt like they didn't have to try anymore. If you can take time to care about yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?15
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I can only speak from my experience. Hubs and I are both pretty dense and not terribly sensitive.
Hubs: "You are eating another piece of chocolate?"
Me: *angry glare and clutches chocolate bar obsessively*
Me: "Why do you have a gym membership. You haven't gone in 2 years. Tell them you want your money back because your still fat."
Hubs: "I'm gonna go next week. Did you buy beer?"
Me & Hubs: "God we've gained so much baby weight."
Hubs: "It's your fault for making all that awesome food on maternity leave."
Me: "I grew a person. I need to eat. What's your excuse?"
We openly discuss our fatness...It's sad but we are both somewhat amused by it. Good thing we found each other. There is no one else I rather eat ice cream with while watching My 600lb life.80
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