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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.
While I agree with the general theme of supporting improvements, you also bring up an interesting point about what qualifies as 'improvement'.
I've met with resistance from my husband when I wanted to reduce a vice (drinking). He seemed to be worried that I would shame his drinking, which I haven't done. He drinks responsibly and not to excess. I can bring him a beer or a scotch in the evening without being tempted myself. I also met with resistance years ago when I started weightlifting. When I started my program, he said he didn't like "muscly" women, and started pointing out women in advertisements or other pictures that he deemed "too muscly." Years of lifting later and he never did kick me out of bed and has since stopped pointing out examples of other women's bodies that he didn't like. Honestly at least with him I think much of it boils down to fear of change.4 -
I'm very lucky in how supportive my fiance is. He's loved me since high school, and through a wide variety of sizes. He knows I've had a long history of disordered eating and he keeps on me to make sure I don't relapse into anorexic and bulimic habits, but he does encourage me to workout with him and cook us healthy meals. He never point blank tells me I'm fat or look disgusting, and stops me when I start saying things like that about myself. Yes, he gets a say in my fitness and health; part of caring for each other is looking out to keep each other healthy and happy. At my current weight I'm more than a little unhappy, so he encourages me to find workouts that I enjoy, and never comments that I look silly while doing them. He even comments about how hard some of them look (certain pilates and ballet exercises) or offers to help keep me going when he sees my posture dipping or suggest alternate exercises when my body's reaching muscle burnout.
Even on days when my energy is empty, he helps keep me going and reminds me that 10 minutes is better than no minutes. 2 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.
I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.
I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.
wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?
That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.
I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.3 -
I wouldn't go as far as saying the spouse should have 'a say' in whether or not the other should lose/gain weight or build muscle or not, but I definitely feel it's a good thing to communicate what is attractive to them so the other can take it in consideration when making a decision for themselves.
I've been with my partner for over 6 years now and he knows I would like it if he got a little more muscle definition (he is skinny with no definition). I love him to bits and think he is beautiful, but I don't have that extra 'Damn that's hot' feeling when he takes off his clothes. Is that an important feeling to have? I don't think so, but it sure would be a nice extra treat. We did make a deal that the moment I got stronger than he is he would start training too. It's a fun little challenge for me.2 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.
I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.
wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?
That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.
I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.
I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.2 -
GoldenEye_ wrote: »I wouldn't go as far as saying the spouse should have 'a say' in whether or not the other should lose/gain weight or build muscle or not, but I definitely feel it's a good thing to communicate what is attractive to them so the other can take it in consideration when making a decision for themselves.
I've been with my partner for over 6 years now and he knows I would like it if he got a little more muscle definition (he is skinny with no definition). I love him to bits and think he is beautiful, but I don't have that extra 'Damn that's hot' feeling when he takes off his clothes. Is that an important feeling to have? I don't think so, but it sure would be a nice extra treat. We did make a deal that the moment I got stronger than he is he would start training too. It's a fun little challenge for me.
This is a good way to look at it.1 -
yes- because I married a sugar daddy and do nothing but whatever I want.
A lot of presumptions there.
Was that directed at me? If so I think you misunderstood my posts. I was not suggesting anything that should warrant such a response. I presumed only that you did not have a farm, which if incorrect or I unintentionally insulted you in some way I apologize.1 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.
I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.
wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?
That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.
I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.
I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.
situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.
the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.
We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.
the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.
I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.
And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.2 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.
I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.
wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?
That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.
I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.
I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.
situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.
the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.
We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.
the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.
I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.
And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.
Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.3 -
4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Dear Posters,
I want to remind everyone to make sure your posts follow the MFP guidelines, particularly:
You are welcome to argue someone's statement, but don't make things personal.1. No Attacks or Insults and No Reciprocation
a) Do not attack, mock, or otherwise insult others. You can respectfully disagree with the message or topic, but you cannot attack the messenger. This includes attacks against the user’s spelling or command of written English, or belittling a user for posting a duplicate topic.17. No Profane, Vulgar, or Sexually Explicit Language
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This has been a very long and successful (thus far) debate about a topic which has the potential to hit home and cause an emotional response. If you find you are getting upset please take a step back and find another thread to participate in.
Thanks for your cooperation,
4legs
MFP moderator
just want to post this one more time for good measure
4legs
MFP moderator1 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.
I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.
wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?
That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.
I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.
I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.
situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.
the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.
We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.
the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.
I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.
And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.
Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.
Out of curiosity, how would the conversation go if you approached him (or he approached you) about investing several thousand dollars in setting up a home gym that only one of you would use?
I am alone in my fitness world, as my spouse largely ignores the fact that I'm doing it as much as possible. This makes it difficult, because my fitness efforts are framed as "me time" to the detriment of my "family time" -because of this, the 3-5 hours per week I spend working out is mostly in the dark hours in the morning or during lunch breaks, to ensure that it doesn't impede on my family life. I did a marathon a few years ago which required a lot more training time, and it was very stressful to carve out the extra time.
Despite this, I allow myself at least 1 significant fitness expense per year (in 2016 it was a Garmin Fenix 3HR fitness tracker, last year it was a triathlon bike, this year it is going to be an indoor trainer for my bike) and just tell her she has to deal with it. I don't have expensive season tickets to sports, I don't golf, I don't play fantasy sports, I don't do happy hours at the bar with the boys, etc., fitness is my only "hobby", and as I am approaching my 50s, I think it is a very worthwhile expense...5 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.
I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.
wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?
That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.
I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.
I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.
situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.
the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.
We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.
the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.
I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.
And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.
Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.
Out of curiosity, how would the conversation go if you approached him (or he approached you) about investing several thousand dollars in setting up a home gym that only one of you would use?
I am alone in my fitness world, as my spouse largely ignores the fact that I'm doing it as much as possible. This makes it difficult, because my fitness efforts are framed as "me time" to the detriment of my "family time" -because of this, the 3-5 hours per week I spend working out is mostly in the dark hours in the morning or during lunch breaks, to ensure that it doesn't impede on my family life. I did a marathon a few years ago which required a lot more training time, and it was very stressful to carve out the extra time.
Despite this, I allow myself at least 1 significant fitness expense per year (in 2016 it was a Garmin Fenix 3HR fitness tracker, last year it was a triathlon bike, this year it is going to be an indoor trainer for my bike) and just tell her she has to deal with it. I don't have expensive season tickets to sports, I don't golf, I don't play fantasy sports, I don't do happy hours at the bar with the boys, etc., fitness is my only "hobby", and as I am approaching my 50s, I think it is a very worthwhile expense...
I think that's very reasonable. I couldn't imagine living with someone who thought taking care of my health on a regular basis was bad and "to the detriment of family time" You're family doesn't need you 24 hrs a fricking day. #opinions.
I'm a admittedly salty I've officially lost a friend to a little girl who won't let him talk to other women. I tried to take a selfie with him yesterday- and he freaked the *kitten* out and was like DON"T I"LL GET IN TROUBLE.
So I have very firm opinions on "space" in relationships. communication is key- but not suffocation.
But- I'm bougie and I spend a lot on pants- like almost 1 a month- sometimes I can make it 2-3 months without buying new pants- but it's a bit of an obsession for me. its' honestly to much and I'm trying to be better- but if he pushes me to hard I lose my ish- like I'm not blowing it on hair and nails and parties out drinking. I use this stuff. And it makes me happy regularly. Sooooo win.
I do try to keep my huge dance trips limited to one a year- I do smaller local events (driving distance- only 1-2 nights in a hotel)- but once a year- it's a multi day- as I progress upwards in levels- balancing the time/financial expensive of those trips will be a thing.1 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.
I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.
wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?
That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.
I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.
I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.
situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.
the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.
We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.
the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.
I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.
And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.
Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.
Out of curiosity, how would the conversation go if you approached him (or he approached you) about investing several thousand dollars in setting up a home gym that only one of you would use?
I am alone in my fitness world, as my spouse largely ignores the fact that I'm doing it as much as possible. This makes it difficult, because my fitness efforts are framed as "me time" to the detriment of my "family time" -because of this, the 3-5 hours per week I spend working out is mostly in the dark hours in the morning or during lunch breaks, to ensure that it doesn't impede on my family life. I did a marathon a few years ago which required a lot more training time, and it was very stressful to carve out the extra time.
Despite this, I allow myself at least 1 significant fitness expense per year (in 2016 it was a Garmin Fenix 3HR fitness tracker, last year it was a triathlon bike, this year it is going to be an indoor trainer for my bike) and just tell her she has to deal with it. I don't have expensive season tickets to sports, I don't golf, I don't play fantasy sports, I don't do happy hours at the bar with the boys, etc., fitness is my only "hobby", and as I am approaching my 50s, I think it is a very worthwhile expense...
I think that's very reasonable. I couldn't imagine living with someone who thought taking care of my health on a regular basis was bad and "to the detriment of family time" You're family doesn't need you 24 hrs a fricking day. #opinions.
I'm a admittedly salty I've officially lost a friend to a little girl who won't let him talk to other women. I tried to take a selfie with him yesterday- and he freaked the *kitten* out and was like DON"T I"LL GET IN TROUBLE.
So I have very firm opinions on "space" in relationships. communication is key- but not suffocation.
But- I'm bougie and I spend a lot on pants- like almost 1 a month- sometimes I can make it 2-3 months without buying new pants- but it's a bit of an obsession for me. its' honestly to much and I'm trying to be better- but if he pushes me to hard I lose my ish- like I'm not blowing it on hair and nails and parties out drinking. I use this stuff. And it makes me happy regularly. Sooooo win.
I do try to keep my huge dance trips limited to one a year- I do smaller local events (driving distance- only 1-2 nights in a hotel)- but once a year- it's a multi day- as I progress upwards in levels- balancing the time/financial expensive of those trips will be a thing.
I appreciate the feedback and your perspective. Admittedly, my fitness habits changed drastically 5 years ago (my mom died of self-inflicted lifestyle habits and fitness became my midlife crisis)- so going back to previous comments in this thread about relationship expectations, maybe being with a partner who weighs his food and counts protein grams every day of his life wasn't what was bargained for. However, being with a partner with excellent health metrics who will be more likely to be around longer in the lives of his children seems like a reasonable tradeoff.
Fitness is a complete grind (especially in maintenance when weight loss/muscle gain/PRs become increasingly rare), and sometimes new clothes, devices, and events are the only things that keep it fresh and engaging. So your pants and trips are necessities and not discretionary expenses
3 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.
I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.
wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?
That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.
I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.
I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.
situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.
the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.
We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.
the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.
I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.
And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.
Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.
Out of curiosity, how would the conversation go if you approached him (or he approached you) about investing several thousand dollars in setting up a home gym that only one of you would use?
I am alone in my fitness world, as my spouse largely ignores the fact that I'm doing it as much as possible. This makes it difficult, because my fitness efforts are framed as "me time" to the detriment of my "family time" -because of this, the 3-5 hours per week I spend working out is mostly in the dark hours in the morning or during lunch breaks, to ensure that it doesn't impede on my family life. I did a marathon a few years ago which required a lot more training time, and it was very stressful to carve out the extra time.
Despite this, I allow myself at least 1 significant fitness expense per year (in 2016 it was a Garmin Fenix 3HR fitness tracker, last year it was a triathlon bike, this year it is going to be an indoor trainer for my bike) and just tell her she has to deal with it. I don't have expensive season tickets to sports, I don't golf, I don't play fantasy sports, I don't do happy hours at the bar with the boys, etc., fitness is my only "hobby", and as I am approaching my 50s, I think it is a very worthwhile expense...
I think that's very reasonable. I couldn't imagine living with someone who thought taking care of my health on a regular basis was bad and "to the detriment of family time" You're family doesn't need you 24 hrs a fricking day. #opinions.
I'm a admittedly salty I've officially lost a friend to a little girl who won't let him talk to other women. I tried to take a selfie with him yesterday- and he freaked the *kitten* out and was like DON"T I"LL GET IN TROUBLE.
So I have very firm opinions on "space" in relationships. communication is key- but not suffocation.
But- I'm bougie and I spend a lot on pants- like almost 1 a month- sometimes I can make it 2-3 months without buying new pants- but it's a bit of an obsession for me. its' honestly to much and I'm trying to be better- but if he pushes me to hard I lose my ish- like I'm not blowing it on hair and nails and parties out drinking. I use this stuff. And it makes me happy regularly. Sooooo win.
I do try to keep my huge dance trips limited to one a year- I do smaller local events (driving distance- only 1-2 nights in a hotel)- but once a year- it's a multi day- as I progress upwards in levels- balancing the time/financial expensive of those trips will be a thing.
I appreciate the feedback and your perspective. Admittedly, my fitness habits changed drastically 5 years ago (my mom died of self-inflicted lifestyle habits and fitness became my midlife crisis)- so going back to previous comments in this thread about relationship expectations, maybe being with a partner who weighs his food and counts protein grams every day of his life wasn't what was bargained for. However, being with a partner with excellent health metrics who will be more likely to be around longer in the lives of his children seems like a reasonable tradeoff.
Fitness is a complete grind (especially in maintenance when weight loss/muscle gain/PRs become increasingly rare), and sometimes new clothes, devices, and events are the only things that keep it fresh and engaging. So your pants and trips are necessities and not discretionary expenses
Yes- and yes. Agreed- I totally agree they are just part'n' parcel of the package. could od with out- sure- but they are part of it. I always feel like if I was snorting my money away- he would have room to talk. There are just- way worse vices than "working out" and buying fun pants.
I've ALWAYS worked out- but with my old job it was very much a "do what I could" situation. When I got my new job- I started working out ALL the time again- like I wanted. The now husband and I had just started dating- for maybe only a year in when things really changed.
I remember taking my food scale to an all you can eat Brazilian steak house. (not to stop myself- I just really wanted to know how much meat I was eating)- and he's weathered it all. Maybe I'm so opinionated because I'm truly blessed to have someone who supports me for all my ridiculousness and when I get really turnt on something- as long as I'm not emptying my bank account weekly- he supports me. I have a hard time understanding when/if someone's S/O wouldn't.
2 -
In my situation, I was overweight when I met my husband. I gained even more weight 50 lbs or so, and I have lost almost all of that back (lose 46 lbs) and plan to lose more and he seems to be okay with it. He didn't seem to care at all about it when I even gained extra weight except for things he said that I would say I couldn't do because I was too big. Like too scared to go to an amusement park or try to fit in a bumper car for the fear of not fitting. We are young 22 and 23 and no kids yet so we want to do fun stuff together. I don't need to be skinny but I'll be happy once I am down another 60 pounds and don't really have to worry about those kinds of things.1
-
Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.
I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.
wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?
That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.
I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.
I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.
situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.
the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.
We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.
the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.
I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.
And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.
Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.
Out of curiosity, how would the conversation go if you approached him (or he approached you) about investing several thousand dollars in setting up a home gym that only one of you would use?
I am alone in my fitness world, as my spouse largely ignores the fact that I'm doing it as much as possible. This makes it difficult, because my fitness efforts are framed as "me time" to the detriment of my "family time" -because of this, the 3-5 hours per week I spend working out is mostly in the dark hours in the morning or during lunch breaks, to ensure that it doesn't impede on my family life. I did a marathon a few years ago which required a lot more training time, and it was very stressful to carve out the extra time.
Despite this, I allow myself at least 1 significant fitness expense per year (in 2016 it was a Garmin Fenix 3HR fitness tracker, last year it was a triathlon bike, this year it is going to be an indoor trainer for my bike) and just tell her she has to deal with it. I don't have expensive season tickets to sports, I don't golf, I don't play fantasy sports, I don't do happy hours at the bar with the boys, etc., fitness is my only "hobby", and as I am approaching my 50s, I think it is a very worthwhile expense...
We've actually had that conversation. His opposition to it was putting up another building. He's very weird about natural landscape and taking down trees (we have 100+ acres and only 5-6 are cleared) and I am already planning on adding a greenhouse. He suggested we could clean out one of the outbuildings for it. We settled on a Total Gym and treadmill for the house and a new mountain bike.
Is cost what the "sugar daddy" comment before was about? The resistance I spoke of would not be about cost but about time. We aren't rolling in money, but it's not much of an issue at this stage of our lives either.1 -
A married couple should be able to discuss these things without it creating an issue. You're equal partners together.
If one partner is under doctors orders, the other partner has no right imposing alternative opinions.3 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.
I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.
wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?
That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.
I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.
I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.
situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.
the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.
We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.
the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.
I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.
And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.
Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.
Out of curiosity, how would the conversation go if you approached him (or he approached you) about investing several thousand dollars in setting up a home gym that only one of you would use?
I am alone in my fitness world, as my spouse largely ignores the fact that I'm doing it as much as possible. This makes it difficult, because my fitness efforts are framed as "me time" to the detriment of my "family time" -because of this, the 3-5 hours per week I spend working out is mostly in the dark hours in the morning or during lunch breaks, to ensure that it doesn't impede on my family life. I did a marathon a few years ago which required a lot more training time, and it was very stressful to carve out the extra time.
Despite this, I allow myself at least 1 significant fitness expense per year (in 2016 it was a Garmin Fenix 3HR fitness tracker, last year it was a triathlon bike, this year it is going to be an indoor trainer for my bike) and just tell her she has to deal with it. I don't have expensive season tickets to sports, I don't golf, I don't play fantasy sports, I don't do happy hours at the bar with the boys, etc., fitness is my only "hobby", and as I am approaching my 50s, I think it is a very worthwhile expense...
We've actually had that conversation. His opposition to it was putting up another building. He's very weird about natural landscape and taking down trees (we have 100+ acres and only 5-6 are cleared) and I am already planning on adding a greenhouse. He suggested we could clean out one of the outbuildings for it. We settled on a Total Gym and treadmill for the house and a new mountain bike.
Is cost what the "sugar daddy" comment before was about? The resistance I spoke of would not be about cost but about time. We aren't rolling in money, but it's not much of an issue at this stage of our lives either.
The "sugar daddy" comment wasn't mine.
I think the difference of opinion regarding fitness in my relationship is mostly concerning time as well. For nearly all of my fitness activities, my time runs out before my energy, ie, I have to stop lifting because I have to go to work, I have to stop running because a kid needs a ride somewhere, etc. In a perfect world, I would easily double the number of hours I exercise per week.2 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)
Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?
I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.
I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.
wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?
That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.
I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.
I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.
situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.
the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.
We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.
the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.
I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.
And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.
Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.
Out of curiosity, how would the conversation go if you approached him (or he approached you) about investing several thousand dollars in setting up a home gym that only one of you would use?
I am alone in my fitness world, as my spouse largely ignores the fact that I'm doing it as much as possible. This makes it difficult, because my fitness efforts are framed as "me time" to the detriment of my "family time" -because of this, the 3-5 hours per week I spend working out is mostly in the dark hours in the morning or during lunch breaks, to ensure that it doesn't impede on my family life. I did a marathon a few years ago which required a lot more training time, and it was very stressful to carve out the extra time.
Despite this, I allow myself at least 1 significant fitness expense per year (in 2016 it was a Garmin Fenix 3HR fitness tracker, last year it was a triathlon bike, this year it is going to be an indoor trainer for my bike) and just tell her she has to deal with it. I don't have expensive season tickets to sports, I don't golf, I don't play fantasy sports, I don't do happy hours at the bar with the boys, etc., fitness is my only "hobby", and as I am approaching my 50s, I think it is a very worthwhile expense...
We've actually had that conversation. His opposition to it was putting up another building. He's very weird about natural landscape and taking down trees (we have 100+ acres and only 5-6 are cleared) and I am already planning on adding a greenhouse. He suggested we could clean out one of the outbuildings for it. We settled on a Total Gym and treadmill for the house and a new mountain bike.
Is cost what the "sugar daddy" comment before was about? The resistance I spoke of would not be about cost but about time. We aren't rolling in money, but it's not much of an issue at this stage of our lives either.
The "sugar daddy" comment wasn't mine.
I think the difference of opinion regarding fitness in my relationship is mostly concerning time as well. For nearly all of my fitness activities, my time runs out before my energy, ie, I have to stop lifting because I have to go to work, I have to stop running because a kid needs a ride somewhere, etc. In a perfect world, I would easily double the number of hours I exercise per week.
Sorry, I knew it wasn't your comment. It just seemed so out of the blue I could not figure out what the heck prompted it and it suddenly hit me that for some reason the other poster thought I was talking about money.0
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