Welcome to Debate Club! Please be aware that this is a space for respectful debate, and that your ideas will be challenged here. Please remember to critique the argument, not the author.
Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Options
Replies
-
lisawolfinger wrote: »As a wife...and I'm not a young one either, it is my obligation to be healthy for the sake of my husband and my children, just as it is his as the husband. Healthy is mental and physical. Expecting and accepting conversation from the SO/Spouse on the topic of weight should be good and OK as part of a healthy relationship. If you cant talk about the deepest of sensitive issues...especially one that affects not only health but mutual long term attraction to your partner, than something is failing anyway. A solid relationship is built on knowing your partner has your best interest as a top priority...and you of them. I also agree with SPIFFYCHICKS85 and others who discussed staying physically attractive to their partner.
There is nothing about a relationship that says, at any point, the partner "has to just accept me as I am". Fact is...no they don't. If you have grown apart in what attracts you to each other...then each has a right to purse what makes them happy, mentally and physically. If you love them...you should want them happy, right?...or is all about me and they just have to buck up? Real relationships take two people with similar goals and mutual respect.
Sure...things evolve...bodies mature and age, but are you working to stay mutually attractive....mentally and physically. Isn't that why you came together in the first place? Why wouldn't you want to do that for the person you love?? Why wouldn't they want you, to do that for yourself? If they love you, why wouldn't they want to promote your long life-a long life together?
Many, many years ago, when I was a young bride an older woman gave me a wonderful peace of advice about marriage-which I took to heart. She said "if you always make an effort to be your husbands 'other woman', you will never have to worry about him straying from the marriage. Never become the least interesting woman in his life". She meant that physically as well as mentally and intellectually.
Very well stated.
A point that drove this to heart was prioritization and time management. There are 168 hours in a week. How much time do you spend with your significant other? How much time do you spend investing in yourself, your marriage, your relationships, your kids.
Chart this out on pen and paper. Very humbling exercise.
I have found that no matter what people *say* their priorities are, a better guide is seeing what they spend their time on. There are exceptions I'm sure, but generally we make time for the things that are our priorities. We probably all know people with lots of obligations who make time for fitness and people with fewer obligations and claim they don't have time.
Charting it out can help you see if what you say you value matches what you spend your time on and you can figure out what might need to change.5 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »Just for the record for 30+ years I have from time to time asked does this make me look fat or my butt look too big. He always answers with "his" truth. Sometimes it was a yes and others it was a no. I appreciated him being honest.
BUT if it was an outfit I really really liked I would not ask incase the answer was yes lol.
I remember my cousin took an ID picture. Her face covered the whole square of the picture. She did look like she gained a lot of weight. She said to her husband....."Gosh, do I really look this fat in this picture?" In the nicest sweetest tone he said "yes". No more, no less. She ran off crying, called all of her friends saying that he called her fat and other men in the streets think she is attractive and her husband, the one she loves thinks she is fat....I mean it went on and on and on. She even took it to social media and made it sound so horrible that everyone told her to leave her husband, etc. And her husband was one of the best things that happened to her. If I wasn't there I would have believed her, that's how convincing she was. i witnessed this....He only said, "Yes" to a question she asked him. Furthermore....she thought she looked fat herself. Why can she think she looks fat, but he can't be honest WHEN HE IS ASKED?
Did you talk to her about it?! What ended up happening?? I was mad on his behalf reading your story. Lol!
3 -
It's important to not that people struggling with there weight already know they have a problem why be hurtful by starting the conversation? They also understand the health risk (who doesn't). I have experienced people not that close to me stating I should lose some weight. My answer is I know I am over weight, I would like to lose 30 lbs and when I do you know what happens? Answer, your mouth will still be the same size.
3 -
My wife and I have both been thin at times (in our 20s and currently in our mid 50s for nearly five years. Also in our late 30s). We've also both been obese before. Most of what we've said has all been out of concern for each other's health. I will say, when one person takes health/weight more serious and does something about it, it's so much easier for the other one to do the same. I've also been too thin. When I lost my weight (and went from 245 to 170), my wife didn't like my new physique. Perhaps it's because she lost her weight slower or perhaps my weightlifting hadn't added back in muscle (yet) to replace the fat. Either way, I did listen to her because I respect and love her and added in around 15 lbs of muscle over 4 or 5 years.
She's gained a bit of weight back with some recent health issues but she tries and does what she can. Any spouse that would criticize that is not worth sticking with. Everyone has more challenges at times.4 -
MikePfirrman wrote: »My wife and I have both been thin at times (in our 20s and currently in our mid 50s for nearly five years. Also in our late 30s). We've also both been obese before. Most of what we've said has all been out of concern for each other's health. I will say, when one person takes health/weight more serious and does something about it, it's so much easier for the other one to do the same. I've also been too thin. When I lost my weight (and went from 245 to 170), my wife didn't like my new physique. Perhaps it's because she lost her weight slower or perhaps my weightlifting hadn't added back in muscle (yet) to replace the fat. Either way, I did listen to her because I respect and love her and added in around 15 lbs of muscle over 4 or 5 years.
She's gained a bit of weight back with some recent health issues but she tries and does what she can. Any spouse that would criticize that is not worth sticking with. Everyone has more challenges at times.
I don't know why I especially like this...I think its because it is coming from a man's perspective. I tend to believe that women are more accommodating to men than men are to women. So it's kind of refreshing hearing you men sticking around when your mates/spouse weight goes up and down!!!4 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »MikePfirrman wrote: »My wife and I have both been thin at times (in our 20s and currently in our mid 50s for nearly five years. Also in our late 30s). We've also both been obese before. Most of what we've said has all been out of concern for each other's health. I will say, when one person takes health/weight more serious and does something about it, it's so much easier for the other one to do the same. I've also been too thin. When I lost my weight (and went from 245 to 170), my wife didn't like my new physique. Perhaps it's because she lost her weight slower or perhaps my weightlifting hadn't added back in muscle (yet) to replace the fat. Either way, I did listen to her because I respect and love her and added in around 15 lbs of muscle over 4 or 5 years.
She's gained a bit of weight back with some recent health issues but she tries and does what she can. Any spouse that would criticize that is not worth sticking with. Everyone has more challenges at times.
I don't know why I especially like this...I think its because it is coming from a man's perspective. I tend to believe that women are more accommodating to men than men are to women. So it's kind of refreshing hearing you men sticking around when your mates/spouse weight goes up and down!!!
Thanks Badgirl but there's a lot of men out there like me. 27 years together this year and she's still makes my stomach flutter every time I kiss her, heavy or not! This sounds odd on a CICO site, but I strongly feel women have a harder time with CICO then men because of hormones. I'm not a doc and I don't know why but I do think that all the chemicals/additives in food (and the environment) affect women way more than men. When my wife gave up dairy and gluten (which eliminates most processed food/fast food), she quickly dropped 25 lbs during a really hard menopausal phase. This was all due to her Holistic doc recommending she change her diet for Fibromyalgia, from which she's now in remission!
Looking back, she had really rough postpartum depression, really rough menopause, endometriosis and other health issues. I truly feel if we had both been dairy/gluten free years ago (I eat like her for support), she'd not have had to go through all that. Of course I can't prove that. Research is catching up to what's worked for her, but I know eliminating a lot of processed foods turned around her health and her hormones. I simply wish she hadn't had to go through all that in retrospect.
My point is, weight loss was fairly easy for me. It was harder for her even with CICO. I work from home, I do the cooking and know what she eats. It wasn't much. It's not that I monitored it, she did and was so frustrated over it for around a year. She didn't lose the weight until she changed what she ate (and we just replaced the gluten and dairy with gluten free/dairy free alternatives, still the same calories). I think a lot of men just assume that women eat too much. I don't think that men's hormones affect them as bad and that's why they assume that women just don't take diet seriously. I think it's that women can't get away eating what men eat.
Now this is just my opinion but perhaps that shapes my viewpoint.
12 -
No! if he or she has a perfect body and health, Maybe....... I find it funny at my age now when I see guys from school etc that always bullied the heavy girls, now in their 50's etc they are fat and bald, and most divorced.... so love the person 1st, show respect always ... then you can approach the issue without hurting anyone.3
-
I think it really depends on the situation, the way of voicing one's opinion and also on the amount of weight.
My first boyfriend met me when I had just lost a lot of weight and we both gained and lost weight in our relationship. We were honest with each other that we were more attracted to each other at lower weights but that we loved each other regardless of weight.
Another boyfriend didn't offer his opinions but kept paying compliments to other women who were much slimmer than me and - frankly - ogling them. It made me terribly insecure and I did lose weight but couldn't keep it off.
My fiancé met me when I wasn't as heavy as I am now but I was quite overweight. He didn't mind and he doesn't mind now. But he DOES mind that I am unhappy and feel unattractive even if he disagrees. He has also gained weight because we both love chips and burgers etc. So now we're losing weight together so we look great at our wedding and also so we both feel more confident and healthy. We've spoken honestly about this and I think that's important. If he straight out told me to lose weight or else he wouldn't marry me, I'd leave.6 -
No! if he or she has a perfect body and health, Maybe....... I find it funny at my age now when I see guys from school etc that always bullied the heavy girls, now in their 50's etc they are fat and bald, and most divorced.... so love the person 1st, show respect always ... then you can approach the issue without hurting anyone.
I have a couple of friends that said that they would never gain weight (and was real snarky with it) and often joked and made fun of over weight people when we were in our early 20's... Now they are older and round and having challenges with losing weight as well.1 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »No! if he or she has a perfect body and health, Maybe....... I find it funny at my age now when I see guys from school etc that always bullied the heavy girls, now in their 50's etc they are fat and bald, and most divorced.... so love the person 1st, show respect always ... then you can approach the issue without hurting anyone.
I have a couple of friends that said that they would never gain weight (and was real snarky with it) and often joked and made fun of over weight people when we were in our early 20's... Now they are older and round and having challenges with losing weight as well.
This highlights the need for CICO awareness and the absolute necessity of budgeting simply for awareness. It is normal for activity to decline with age. If you do not adjust your calories appropriately gaining weight is inevitable.2 -
I think this is an interesting conversation. I think it's a really hard conversation because it is a huge task to have it without leaving your SO/spouse feeling attacked, even when you take it from the angle of health. It is just a super-sensitive topic regardless of which side you're on because it is so very personal, I don't think there is a "we" regardless of how you frame it. It is how one or the other of you looks compared to what's expected.
That said, I think some relationships handle the "tough love" conversations better than others. Do I believe she should love me no matter my size? Sure do, I'm freakin' awesome! And she loves me for more than the weight on the scale, right?
But here's the thing, as a person gains weight I think there is a moment of recognition that it's not where that person wants to be. By the time the SO/spouse says something, I can tell you from experience the other person is already well aware and probably pretty disgusted. Then it seems like the hits just keep coming.
I think the key is to make sure that you and your partner are aligned on what it means to be healthy - understand how you feel about weight and what the sensitivities are. Does weight affect physical attraction for your partner? For some people it does, others couldn't care less - we're all physically attracted to different things for different reasons. I don't think you can say one way is right or wrong.
If your relationship is otherwise healthy and you've enjoyed physical intimacy but that's ebbing as the pounds creep on, buck up and address the conversation yourself - put yourself in the position of power and ask the question. Own it. And then choose (or choose not) to do something different - at least then you're in control and nobody has to be a victim. Don't force your SO/spouse to do the dirty work and tell you they don't find you physically attractive anymore.6 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »I have mixed feelings about "SO", but that term can vary so widely from dude I just met a week ago to commonlaw spouse, so I am not going to comment on it at all.
As for spouses, yes. It is important to accept changes in your partner and realize they will not look the same forever. I also feel if you have made an agreement to go through life together as a team, so you should both uphold your end of that bargain and try not to bring extra issues upon yourselves. To me that includes looking after your own and each others health. Obviously, there are certain things that will always be outside our control and you just have to take those as they come, but I feel it would be incredibly unfair to my husband to eat myself to 500lbs and require him to help take care of me as I lose mobility and welcome all sorts of health issues. I think there is a point where it is ok to say this is unfair to our marriage and family.
This is my response from many pages ago, so I guess I kinda looked at it from a "how would I feel if it were me" place to begin with.
I feel its fair for my partner to speak up and I feel it would be fair for me to speak up. Of note here though: hubs and I are both pretty similar in temperament. I am a little bit touchier than he is, but largely we both are the kinda people who can roll with the punches. It might be a whole other story for other people in other relationships.1 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I am firmly on team "yes, they should have a say". I would be hurt to know my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I'd also be hurt to find that my weight was the only thing he finds/found attractive. What a sad relationship that would be.3 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I am firmly on team "yes, they should have a say". I would be hurt to know my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I'd also be hurt to find that my weight was the only thing he finds/found attractive. What a sad relationship that would be.
Just to add to that idea - I would find this hurtful as well, but I would hope we would have "the talk" before it even got that far. More of a "Not sure things are headed in the right direction" talk instead of a "we are in trouble" talk.2 -
4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I am firmly on team "yes, they should have a say". I would be hurt to know my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I'd also be hurt to find that my weight was the only thing he finds/found attractive. What a sad relationship that would be.
Just to add to that idea - I would find this hurtful as well, but I would hope we would have "the talk" before it even got that far. More of a "Not sure things are headed in the right direction" talk instead of a "we are in trouble" talk.
Honestly I'd be hurt to find that looks was more than a small factor in the attractiveness at all.6 -
I honestly have no idea what to say. I've been significantly overweight and he was still attracted to me.
If he was significantly overweight, I am not sure if I'd be attracted to him. I like to think yes, but I'm just not certain I would be. One thing is for sure, I would never want to hurt him. I would want to help him and motivate him to change his lifestyle, but not by holding my love and attraction as the prize to attain.
It would have broken my heart if he had ever told me that he wasn't attracted to me because of my weight. I know it's not something we as humans can necessarily help - we are attracted (or not) to certain bodies and it's not always in our conscious control. But I also don't know if I could have gotten over it.3 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I would want to know.
How does one become sensitive? One become sensitive through neglect. If something is used and interacted with it is hardened, strengthened, and well developed. Sensitive issues wouldn't be an issue if we were better communicators and brought these issues up early and often. Strong relationships require effort and will wither and die if neglected.
I see this as a root cause for much of our problems. We don't discuss issues directly as we did a generation ago due to convenient distractions provided by technology and social media. We are quickly losing the ability to effectively communicate in an intellectual and empathetic manner.4 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I am firmly on team "yes, they should have a say". I would be hurt to know my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I'd also be hurt to find that my weight was the only thing he finds/found attractive. What a sad relationship that would be.
Just to add to that idea - I would find this hurtful as well, but I would hope we would have "the talk" before it even got that far. More of a "Not sure things are headed in the right direction" talk instead of a "we are in trouble" talk.
Honestly I'd be hurt to find that looks was more than a small factor in the attractiveness at all.
I'm not sure I feel the same way. I think looks play a big part in what you find attractive (for me, anyways). Obviously when you're in love with someone there are other things that you will find attractive besides looks, like their sense of humour, their kindness, etc., but at the same time when my husband gets naked I'm not thinking about those things - I'm thinking more about the fact that he looks goooooood lol
Yeah? Maybe I was like that when I was younger, though I don't really think so. All I'm thinking about at the point is the feelings (emotional and physical).0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I am firmly on team "yes, they should have a say". I would be hurt to know my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I'd also be hurt to find that my weight was the only thing he finds/found attractive. What a sad relationship that would be.
Just to add to that idea - I would find this hurtful as well, but I would hope we would have "the talk" before it even got that far. More of a "Not sure things are headed in the right direction" talk instead of a "we are in trouble" talk.
Honestly I'd be hurt to find that looks was more than a small factor in the attractiveness at all.
I hear ya. I am not even really sure anymore.
Early in a relationship it is pretty much all about looks and general impressions (this is assuming it's someone you are just meeting, not some old friend you finally decided to date or something). Things grow over time, and 7 years later we have built quite a bit together. I think there is alot more to it than looks now, but I think it is still an important factor for us; probably more-so for my husband than me. I tend to think men are just more visual than women, but its a hard thing to comment on with any certainty since I am a woman (this is where reincarnation and getting to experience being different things [and remembering it] would be pretty useful). It doesn't bother me though to think looks are an important part of our relationship. It was one of the first layers, and we have built many more on top of it but it is still there.2 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I am firmly on team "yes, they should have a say". I would be hurt to know my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I'd also be hurt to find that my weight was the only thing he finds/found attractive. What a sad relationship that would be.
Just to add to that idea - I would find this hurtful as well, but I would hope we would have "the talk" before it even got that far. More of a "Not sure things are headed in the right direction" talk instead of a "we are in trouble" talk.
Honestly I'd be hurt to find that looks was more than a small factor in the attractiveness at all.
I'm not sure I feel the same way. I think looks play a big part in what you find attractive (for me, anyways). Obviously when you're in love with someone there are other things that you will find attractive besides looks, like their sense of humour, their kindness, etc., but at the same time when my husband gets naked I'm not thinking about those things - I'm thinking more about the fact that he looks goooooood lol
and of coarse there is truth in this 0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.6K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 387 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.2K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.2K MyFitnessPal Information
- 22 News and Announcements
- 916 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions