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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I would want to know.
How does one become sensitive? One become sensitive through neglect. If something is used and interacted with it is hardened, strengthened, and well developed. Sensitive issues wouldn't be an issue if we were better communicators and brought these issues up early and often. Strong relationships require effort and will wither and die if neglected.
This is kind of profound. I've never thought about it in exactly those terms, but it makes a lot of sense.I see this as a root cause for much of our problems. We don't discuss issues directly as we did a generation ago due to convenient distractions provided by technology and social media. We are quickly losing the ability to effectively communicate in an intellectual and empathetic manner.
I don't necessarily think we're any worse at communicating now than in generations past, the mechanisms are just slightly different. There were plenty of loveless marriages 'for the children' back in the day where Mom and Dad barely spoke and did little more than present the veneer of a happy family; divorce was just less socially acceptable and therefore far less common.3 -
This is what I found out today about myself on how others perceive me as it relates to weight issues. My daughter had a conversation with my SO about my weight and how I should be further alone in my journey than I am now.
This is how the phone convo went with my SO..
Him - So you said you want to hit a spin class tomorrow huh?
Me - Yes, I need to step my cardio game up. Plus my daughter challenged me to lose 22 lbs. by summer.
Him - How did that conversation go?
Me - It went well. She said "Mom, I wanna see you in a 2 piece this summer...so I challenge you to hit that goal and I said bet"
Him - I asked because she called me and said that every time she brings up the subject of losing weight you get mad and I told her I agreed and that's why I don't bring the subject up anymore.
NOW AFTER HE SAID THAT IS WHEN I GOT SLIGHTLY PISSED AND DEFENSIVE....
One, because I did used to get mad and defensive. I stated that early in this thread. And I had to ask myself why I would get so angry, sad and hurt when my weight was the subject. And the answer was, because I was angry and disgusted myself with my weight and how I looked in the mirror. So, although it was painful, I began to deal with my weight issues INTERNALLY and learned to love myself and allll of my imperfections. At first, for someone to shed light on my weight, I HEARD IT AS - THEY DON'T LIKE ME, I'M DISGUSTING TO THEM, THEY DON'T LOVE ME BECAUSE OF MY WEIGHT, THEY THINK I AM FAT, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I heard, what my own thoughts were about me.
Since then, I have changed that belief and thought system. I am so confident in my body now and my capabilities, that I don't care what other people negative views are of me. And it was hurtful for them to automatically assume I would get mad, LOL, actually pissed me off. Because I welcome love, advice, training, goals, wisdom, etc. etc. That was the OLD me. The new me is open and want to explore ways to reach my goals. When my daughter challenged me to lose 22lbs by summer, I didn't give her lip, I accepted the challenge.
So I typed this all to say, stop assuming and prejudging how a person will respond (to weight issues). If you come from a place of LOVE the person will and should hear your sincere heart.7 -
I think it all comes down to the peril of getting too comfortable in certain situations in your life, whether it is with a partner, friends, neighbors, employers, etc. We have all lapsed into comfort zones in areas of our lives where we didn't try because we were so secure that we felt we didn't need to try and we took situations and relationships for granted.
So if the weight gain is a symptom of taking the other person's attraction and the security of the relationship for granted (as opposed to something medical, babies, or aging related), I think it is perfectly reasonable for their partner to address this as tactfully as possible.4 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I was just wondering how people would feel if the situations were reversed. I'm on the side of "of course they should have a say," but I wonder how I'd feel if I were overweight and my spouse told me that they found me less attractive because of the weight. And at the same time, I wonder how people who are on the side of "they should love me no matter what" (which isn't really the question here...) or "no, they shouldn't have a say" would feel if their partner was overweight to the point that they weren't as attracted to them anymore? Would they now feel that they do have a right to say something?
Would we feel differently, or the same?
I would want to know.
How does one become sensitive? One become sensitive through neglect. If something is used and interacted with it is hardened, strengthened, and well developed. Sensitive issues wouldn't be an issue if we were better communicators and brought these issues up early and often. Strong relationships require effort and will wither and die if neglected.
This is kind of profound. I've never thought about it in exactly those terms, but it makes a lot of sense.I see this as a root cause for much of our problems. We don't discuss issues directly as we did a generation ago due to convenient distractions provided by technology and social media. We are quickly losing the ability to effectively communicate in an intellectual and empathetic manner.
I don't necessarily think we're any worse at communicating now than in generations past, the mechanisms are just slightly different. There were plenty of loveless marriages 'for the children' back in the day where Mom and Dad barely spoke and did little more than present the veneer of a happy family; divorce was just less socially acceptable and therefore far less common.
We are demonstrably worse at communicating with those we disagree with simply because we no longer have to. Generations ago people endured loveless marriages as there really was no other option for most people. I always think back to "Fiddler On The Roof" and the insightful, but silly question posed "Do you love me?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_y9F5St4j0
When we neglect skills they atrophy and die. Whether we are discussing muscles, marriages, social skills, politics, health - it takes far more work to relearn as opposed to maintaining.
This issue is especially highlighted in divorce...and the abysmal statistics on repeat divorces. Those who have not learned move from one relationship to another and once the honeymoon is over.5 -
My husband never comments on me being fat he is more concerned that I am loosing my curves if I diet. In his words ' your bum is going'. He likes a curvy woman. If I asked him if I am getting fat he would be honest and not say it in a way to hurt me. I trust his honesty. I think my sensitivity about my weight comes from being a chubby child and being bullied about my weight at school. Its hard to forget bad events but possible to move on and love yourself. My desire to stay trim now is to stay fit and healthy rather than be a starved unhealthy skelleton.2
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I think there is an appropriate way to go about it. Sitting down and having a frank, honest, private discussion is obviously different from calling their S.O. names in public or cracking jokes about their weight.
On top of that , we also have to acknowledge that there are "shallow" and "deep" reasons. Someone who cares about your weight because they don't like the way you look is not the same as someone who cares because they are concerned about your health. The former may well be treating you like a fashion accessory that has to look the "right" way. The latter is concerned about your well being.
Even if we say someone loves their SO, regardless of their weight, that doesn't mean they do not or cannot feel the weight is a problem. It's entirely possible to love someone and care deeply for them and still think there is an issue present. If they love their S.O., then they're usually going to be worried about their health and it's logical to expect them to bring up concerns about weight as much as they might bring up concerns about sleeping enough, managing stress, looking into a cough that isn't going away, etcetera.5 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »No! if he or she has a perfect body and health, Maybe....... I find it funny at my age now when I see guys from school etc that always bullied the heavy girls, now in their 50's etc they are fat and bald, and most divorced.... so love the person 1st, show respect always ... then you can approach the issue without hurting anyone.
I have a couple of friends that said that they would never gain weight (and was real snarky with it) and often joked and made fun of over weight people when we were in our early 20's... Now they are older and round and having challenges with losing weight as well.
This highlights the need for CICO awareness and the absolute necessity of budgeting simply for awareness. It is normal for activity to decline with age. If you do not adjust your calories appropriately gaining weight is inevitable.
Yes, this is so true. I'm surprised this type of information isn't shared at doctor's visits and what not.1 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »No! if he or she has a perfect body and health, Maybe....... I find it funny at my age now when I see guys from school etc that always bullied the heavy girls, now in their 50's etc they are fat and bald, and most divorced.... so love the person 1st, show respect always ... then you can approach the issue without hurting anyone.
I have a couple of friends that said that they would never gain weight (and was real snarky with it) and often joked and made fun of over weight people when we were in our early 20's... Now they are older and round and having challenges with losing weight as well.
This highlights the need for CICO awareness and the absolute necessity of budgeting simply for awareness. It is normal for activity to decline with age. If you do not adjust your calories appropriately gaining weight is inevitable.
Yes, this is so true. I'm surprised this type of information isn't shared at doctor's visits and what not.
Most medical professionals are not aware and believe that your metabolism slow significantly with age, which is patently false.0 -
Yes. If it is coming from a place of love and concern for one's health. My husband told me that I was gaining to much weight and he wanted us to be able to enjoy as much of life together as possible. Being heavier does create limitations on what we can and cannot do whether we like to think it or not. So I understood and was not offended by it, but his actions shows that he still loves me regardless and he still continues to encourage and motivate me everyday. He also practices what he preaches. He is an avid runner and a really healthy eater but also enjoys a good burger and fries.
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I have no problem bring told I'm going up or down in weight as long as it's true
But really they are stating the obvious by the time it is noticeable. The "why" is more important.2 -
Well, my husband has never said he wasn't attracted to me, after gaining weight, but I know that his attraction has declined significantly. I did ask him a couple times and he would always say that he would be happy if I lost weight. But I was the one asking. We got married when I was my thinnest and while I did warn him I probably would gain weight with kids, it remains the fact that he was obviously attracted to the thinner me and that's what he married.
I used to feel hurt, until I realized it's not one's fault what one is attracted to. Plus he is an extremely loyal husband and has never commented negatively on his own. He only answered when I asked him. And he's been very supportive in me losing weight and becoming more healthy. I think me not taking care of myself was really off putting, as I've only lost 20 lbs of 75, and he's already saying how much I've lost, in a good way.
On the other hand, he also gained weight though not nearly as much as me, and it didn't affect my attraction to him one bit.
I guess it just depends on the marriage.1 -
I think it depends on how much weight we're talking about. 10-20 vanity pounds? I probably wouldn't bring it up. But if it's enough weight that it is damaging their health or making it difficult to do activities that you used to enjoy together (hiking, playing with the kids, etc.) then I think its okay to talk about because it's no longer just aesthetics. The conversation might still be very painful, but it's about more important things than attraction at that point.2
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JMcGee2018 wrote: »I think it depends on how much weight we're talking about. 10-20 vanity pounds? I probably wouldn't bring it up. But if it's enough weight that it is damaging their health or making it difficult to do activities that you used to enjoy together (hiking, playing with the kids, etc.) then I think its okay to talk about because it's no longer just aesthetics. The conversation might still be very painful, but it's about more important things than attraction at that point.
This is a good point - Vanity pounds - I don't think I need the serious sit down I'm leaving you if you don't get your shyt together talk. And I know 'gaining weight' is relative 10 - 20 lbs to someone might be an enormous amount.... But when health comes in to play and your relationship/marriage is on the line because of the weight gain, I think a conversation need to be had coming from a place of love and concern.0 -
Also I initially created this post because I see often that a random poster will state that their S.O. wants them to lose weight and posters will advise the OP to leave and comment with "if he doesn't love you for you LEAVE" and I disagree, I think important topics, including weight issues, should be discussed and I don't necessarily think that's a reason to leave. Now if they are ridiculous and superficial - YES!4
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heiliskrimsli wrote: »@heiliskrimsli A lot has been mentioned about SO being overweight/obese and I'm wondering if you (and others who feel the same) would be leaving your SO if they became underweight?
If they were so underweight that it became unattractive and killed the sex life and the relationship, sure.
I've just never actually been in the situation where weight loss was the problem. Previous experience has been with people who gained weight.
What you're essentially asking is if I'd be in a relationship with someone I did not find attractive and the answer to that is unequivocally "No."
There are people who I have in my life, who I care about, who are not related to me and who I'm not sexually attracted to or having sex with. Those people are called friends. They are not candidates for a romantic relationship.
Not to pick on you specifically, just that your post is the first one to catch my eye, for phrasing my question.
Assuming you have been in a steady relationship with someone for a few years, most people don't just get fat for no reason. For someone who was fit before, there is usually either a major lifestyle change or a physical/mental disability that appears ot is exacerbated over time. Would that have any bearing on your decision? Someone who was doung a physical job, and is now stuck in ine where he is seated at a desk,and has crappy hoursso would have to choose between gym or family maybe? Or is hit with lowered testosterone, but can't afford the $100 month meds to take care if it, because he is trying to help keep a roof over your head and that of your children? Or just developed serious pain issues that make of impossible to work out at the level they were used to. Or have some unknown issue, but are constantly exhausted, and the Dr.s you can afford on your *kitten* insurance aren't really much help? If you can see that the one you love is exhausted and sore, are you going to hound tnem over thier appearance? Is that going to make you stop being in love with them? If it turns out that there are some things they just CAN'T fix, are you going to decide they are no longer worth it, because they aren't physically attractive anymore?
I'm going to assume the answer is no, but if it's yes then you probably weren't in love with the person in the first place. Just in love with the way the person made you feel, which is ok as lonf as you are both aware of it, but is more self love than true love.4 -
Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.9 -
Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive. no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them.
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If there is a lifestyle change/choice (not by mutual choice - such as having kids, or a health related issue) that is causing a change in weight, then a frank but loving conversation is perfectly okay.
My ex couldn't muster that up when I started to put on a few pounds (we're talking 10-25 pounds, not 100), but I could tell he was losing all his attraction. That would have been one thing, except for the simple fact that he, too, had put on a fair bit of fat, and wasn't doing anything to combat his recomped (the bad way) body. That didn't really bother me, but I could tell he didn't like looking at me the same way anymore.
I kept trying to get to the gym, asking for his support/working out a "workout together" schedule - he wouldn't have anything to do with it. He'd go to the gym if and when he felt like it, and flat out told me it was up to me to do it myself (which, technically speaking it is, but you can see the underlying issues here).
He's an ex for a reason though.
I would have much preferred a frank conversation and a discussion on what we could do "as a team" to help us BOTH improve (or just some honesty).4 -
This is a topic I can't generalize on, so I have stayed out of commenting, until now.
@HoneyBadger155's comment about a small weight gain made me do it.
I had always been relatively slim, but there was a picture takes by my DiL Christmas 2008, that, when I saw it, made me exclaim to everyone-
'why didn't you tell me I was getting fat!'
I was 25-30 lbs heavier than normal.
My clothes hadn't changed- low slung jeans loose-ish tops, and looking in the mirror straight on all the time, hid the fact that my belly was expanding, not much more, just the belly- ye old middle age spread, lowering of activity, menopause approaching visceral fat gain, all rolled into one.
That got me counting calories and exercising and I lost the weight within a year and looked and felt much better (never any health probs).
But I really wish my SO, DiL, or son, had had a quiet word in my ear, when they had noticed my weight slowly rising.
(They said it was so gradual, over 5 years, they hadn't noticed either.)
SO, in about 2010, pleased (for me being pleased) with the results, and relative ease of me adapting to calorie counting and exercise, and being 20-25lbs heavier than he generally was, asked me to set him up, and explain how to calorie count.
He uses a different site, we decided we didn't want to be looking over each other's shoulders.
In about 6 months, counting (he never bothered weighting food just smaller portions worked for him), running, and swimming, he was at his usual weight.
However, as much as I have stayed stable, he fluctuates 5-10lbs (he is 6'3 so it isn't a lot on him) frequently.
This new year, after bringing it in sat in a hot tub surrounded by friends and snow, SO asked if he needed to lose a few pounds, I agreed.
So, he is loosely, very loosely, counting his cals, and I am doing gentle prompts around portions and exercise.
I also check with him if I am looking skinny, slender and/or lean are good, that indicates I am at least maintaining my muscles, skinny means I am slacking or my break from lifting has been to long.
Anyway, all I think I am trying to say is that different things work for different people. For me and my family it is gentle words of encouragement.
Cheers, h.
Here is the 'why didn't anyone tell me' pic, and me in maintenance.
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Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
@JoRocka *Snap Snap... You said that.2
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