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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

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Replies

  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    richardgavel wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    The only reason this topic is the least bit controversial is because of the obvious impact that over-eating has on one's appearance. If we were discussing a spouse's smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling problem, etc., or any other unhealthy habit, no one would hesitate to endorse engaging in a serious conversation about their habits. Instead, we weigh the effect that discussing overeating will have on their feelings, and either risk going forward and hurting their feelings or risk ignoring it and enabling a person who you love to remain unhealthy. I would hope that my loved ones have the courage to engage me about anything that I may be doing that is unhealthy, even if it is risks offending me or hurting my feelings.

    Not that I disgaree with the idea of mentioning it but I think the controversy is around the implied notion not of stopping the behavior itself, but because of the assumption that behavior results in them becoming less physically attractive.

    Hmmmmm, this is something to ponder @richardgavel
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    wrknonmedaily wrote: »
    I was told by my s.o.b I mean s.o. he can't do fat chicks. Then call me fat. I have had our 2 kids and stressed and struggled to keep us afloat while you didn't work for a few years. We have been together since high school and I was in the Army Reserve so I was really fit after basic training. We are now 46 and 45. Instead of working with me, you bring me down more. I am so done. I believe you should love a person for who they are and support them and talk about the issues. So now that I am working on me and working to lose the weight for me, will you do me then. Boy bye!

    @wrkonmedaily I understand where you are coming from. I've learned that some people aren't as forgiving as you/we are. They have a short memory when it comes to when they were in a slump or an unfavorable situation.
  • optionsguy88
    optionsguy88 Posts: 325 Member
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    Nothing wrong with being truthful in a loving way. Communication is key. Don't end up like me!
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    birdiepeeps88 wrote: »
    Nothing wrong with being truthful in a loving way. Communication is key. Don't end up like me!

    @birdiepeeps88 - I agree. Communication is key. But are you implying that you didn't communicate your true feelings and it caused a relationship to break up? I guess I don't know what what, "Don't end up like me" means. Can you explain?
  • optionsguy88
    optionsguy88 Posts: 325 Member
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    @STLBADGIRL yes, my communication skills aren't perfect. It's caused problems. Won't get into details here.
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    birdiepeeps88 wrote: »
    @STLBADGIRL yes, my communication skills aren't perfect. It's caused problems. Won't get into details here.

    @birdiepeeps88 I understand and thanks for sharing. I've been told that my communication isn't the best at times either. I'm working on it though :/.
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    Johns_Dope_AF wrote: »
    YES! One thing I have learned during my dieting phase is that I cant truly see what I need as much as an outsider can. I can be 6 foot 150 and I might think I have weight to lose still. Sometimes a trusted outsiders perspective can really help.

    This is great way to look at it. And I'm just playing devil's advocate, do you think you would be so welcoming if you were obese, and someone wanted to talk to you because you have picked up weight?
  • Johns_Dope_AF
    Johns_Dope_AF Posts: 460 Member
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    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    Johns_Dope_AF wrote: »
    YES! One thing I have learned during my dieting phase is that I cant truly see what I need as much as an outsider can. I can be 6 foot 150 and I might think I have weight to lose still. Sometimes a trusted outsiders perspective can really help.

    This is great way to look at it. And I'm just playing devil's advocate, do you think you would be so welcoming if you were obese, and someone wanted to talk to you because you have picked up weight?

    Probably out of embarrassment, I definitely see what you're saying here. It would not have been nearly as effective as it is since I started my journey on my own.
  • Aaron_K123
    Aaron_K123 Posts: 7,122 Member
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    If your weight or health is having a negative impact on your relationship because of your spouses feelings towards it then absolutely they should let you know. Yeah it will be uncomfortable but the only alternative is for them to just bottle it up inside which is not going to go well long term.
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,252 Member
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    How should one approach this? Regardless of intent and well wishing the tendency on this thread seems to be to shoot the messenger.
  • JillianRumrill
    JillianRumrill Posts: 335 Member
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    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?

    I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.

    My hubby and I both look out for eachother. I convinced him to give up smoking and he even said it a few days ago how he's glad he doesn't smoke anymore because he was on his way to heart attack city. Same goes for weight, he let me know when I was 250 lbs that I wasn't myself- always tired, unable to breathe. Around that time my mom almost died from complications due to her diabetes, and his mom was diagnosed with it. Hubby got nervous and saw me going down that same path and let me know.
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    CSARdiver wrote: »
    How should one approach this? Regardless of intent and well wishing the tendency on this thread seems to be to shoot the messenger.

    I agree - I believe this is a tough spot for the messenger. I'm sure they walk on egg shells. I think if you come from a place of love you will be winning. I was reading a thread on here the other day that mention kid obesity. The tone in that thread was to be sensitive, don't say this or say that because this kid will feel singled out, or their feelings will be hurt and they could have self esteem issues, or some even suggested sports, etc. etc. etc. as a sneaky way (for lack of a better word) to get the kid involved without them necessarily knowing its because they need help in losing weight. So that leads me to believe that we know this is a sensitive area or discussion that needs to be had - even with adults. But my point is, if we treat our S.O. or spouse with the same unconditional love, patience, and concern as we do our kids, then it will create a safe place for the convo. and action to take place.

    But I think the tone earlier in this thread was because you had people that would divorce or break up with their loved ones if they couldn't lose weight fast enough for them.
  • PrimalForLife
    PrimalForLife Posts: 28 Member
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    Be thoughtful, careful and loving - but do tell them. Perhaps it helps to 'lead by example' by introducing a healthier approach to eating and exercise to your partner, so that you can both participate in it together.
  • ca1v1n
    ca1v1n Posts: 30 Member
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    Struggling a bit with this right now. My wife and I got out of shape together. Kids, middle age, etc. Too many bags of potato chips, too much fast food, etc. In March I snapped, changed my entire outlook and since then dropped 50 lbs. Mostly by quitting chips, alcohol, and junk food but continuing existing workout regime which is really just karate/mma training 3x a week. Wife signed up for yoga and went twice before quitting. She still eats chips and junk food and drinks too much soda. Two months ago she bought a YMCA membership for the family, said she was going to do aqua fit. I now hit the gym and swim there on the regular and she has yet to go once. When I suggested she needs to do something a bit more intense the aqua fit she didn’t take it well. Now she tells me that I don’t look healthy and she doesn’t want me losing more weight. I look in the mirror and look good. Look like I’m in my 20’s again and another few months I will have a 6-pack. Bringing up the subject never ends well so I just gave up trying and work out for me. Worry about her long term health. I’m 6’3 and think at 190lbs I am probably less than 10 lbs heavier then her and she is 5’3.
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    middlehaitch wrote: »
    Just a quick aside from the topic.

    @ca1v1n, your fitness level may be beyond aqua fit, but it may be just the right level of exercise for your wife.

    I had never liked exercise, so avoided it like the plague. I saw an aqua fit class in progress and thought, I can do that. There wasn't the puffing panting and nasty sweating of land based classes.

    Being in the water means you can set your own exertion level (and you can get quite an intense workout) and no one can see when you go wrong, you can start slow and build.
    It is also usually a very friendly and supportive class.

    I did it 3 times a week for a year, adding other things in once I was use to exercising.
    It helped me develop my cardio vascular and retain muscle while losing.

    I know you are frustrated, but try to encourage her to go.
    You may even want to offer to go with her.

    Cheers, h.

    Normal service may now resume.

    I agree...but I think he stated that her reason for joining the Y was for the Aqua Fit....and she still never went....and she is telling him that he is not looking healthy - because he is doing more healthy stuff!

    But I agree. Aqua Fit is better than doing nothing. But "some" people want to do the least amount of activity there is and expect major changes.

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