Sabotage???
Replies
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No step-parent is obligated to make a kid a cake just because he wants one. Basic Parenting 101. Kids don't always get what they want, regardless of how "nice" it might be to hand them the things they ask for.
That's a valid reason for not baking the cake.
HOWEVER, that's not the reason she implied. The reason OP was implying was they couldn't have any because she couldn't. That's NOT a valid reason.
But see, from many people's point of view, that IS a valid reason.
I can't smoke cigarettes because I was a 23 year addict. I will not buy them for other people. That IS valid.
I can't eat shellfish. I will not cook it for other people. That is valid.
I am not religious. I will not sit through a sermon for someone else. That is valid.
It is completely valid to decline to do a favor for someone else due to your own weaknesses with the subject of said request.
Valid?
I can't eat mushy oatmeal, but I make it for my husband. He can't eat tacos, but he puts up with the smell when I make it for myself. I am not Catholic, but I went to mass with a friend because she asked me to.
When I love someone, I am willing to do things like that for them.
oatmeal is hardly a diet breaker nor is tacos all the things you mention are not in the same league as cake. But You'd still not be a selfish person to refuse to do any of those things. It doesn't make you bad or wrong to assert yourself and say no.
But when you're talking sabotage foods that will probably cause you to kill your diet/health it's extremely reasonable.
I've been not wanting to say it but I will. It's thinking like this that goes along with being overweight. sugary fatty foods are not a right. They aren't something someone should ever be obliged to provide on whim for someone else or be thought of as some how bad .
This whole food as a reward or love or whatever way of thinking is WRONG and bad and is a huge part of the reason the western world has such a raging epidemic of obesity.
I've never viewed food in that manner. My mother does. It's disturbing to me. Self worth both gained from food and destroyed by what it does to your body..
this method of thinking is just SO destructive.
Love is a lot of things but it's not providing food for people that will make them overweight and it's not asking someone battling the bulge to provide you with junk food on whim. that's called enabling and sabotage. there are a lot of dynamics at work in the family. Change is threatening. but that needs to be dealt with in a HEALTHY manner.. not by silly games of junk food provision and guilt trips surrounding it.
She is NOT a bad person for saying no. just give that up.0 -
Urrrrrm, hello! Going on a weight loss or health program IS selfish. Anyone who is prioritising their health/weight loss is putting themselves first in some small way. For lots of people its the first time in a long time that they have done anything for themselves. Perhaps more of the family budget is going on the more pricey healthy foods or gym membership, perhaps taking time to work out and/or prep meals, but it's something for you.
It's not wrong in anyway, especially when improving your own health will potentially extend your life and make you a happy and healthier person to be around for all your family and friends.
My comments re OP's situation are;
- if he's already had cake why does he need another? Had he asked for one for his birthday in a few weeks time, fair enough. But moderation is not eating back to back cake.
- why can't he make the cake himself? If he's old enough to have a girlfriend why not old enough to bake a cake, his dad could always supervise?
- your diet is about YOU, if your not ready to bake a cake then don't. It's not anymore selfish than being on the diet in the first place and he will reap the benefits when your fit and well to be there for him and leading by example. Even if he never had/has a weight problem himself he'll have the option to watch you sticking to something you've started and not just flaking out, and putting your health first to care for yourself and your family. Good lessons to witness and learn.0 -
Urrrrrm, hello! Going on a weight loss or health program IS selfish. Anyone who is prioritising their health/weight loss is putting themselves first in some small way. For lots of people its the first time in a long time that they have done anything for themselves. Perhaps more of the family budget is going on the more pricey healthy foods or gym membership, perhaps taking time to work out and/or prep meals, but it's something for you.
It's not wrong in anyway, especially when improving your own health will potentially extend your life and make you a happy and healthier person to be around for all your family and friends.
My comments re OP's situation are;
- if he's already had cake why does he need another? Had he asked for one for his birthday in a few weeks time, fair enough. But moderation is not eating back to back cake.
- why can't he make the cake himself? If he's old enough to have a girlfriend why not old enough to bake a cake, his dad could always supervise?
- your diet is about YOU, if your not ready to bake a cake then don't. It's not anymore selfish than being on the diet in the first place and he will reap the benefits when your fit and well to be there for him and leading by example. Even if he never had/has a weight problem himself he'll have the option to watch you sticking to something you've started and not just flaking out, and putting your health first to care for yourself and your family. Good lessons to witness and learn.
Very well put! Amazing the level of guilt we have for simply putting ourselves first. Crazy!0 -
Last night my step son came home and asked me if I could make this better than sex cake that he had at my girlfriends house. I told him no I wouldn't make it. That is wasn't fair to me that I would have make a cake that I then couldn't eat.
Fair? My grandmother was a diabetic and she made the most delicious cakes and food for us. She always kept ice cream around so she could offer us some when we came over. It's harder and harder to find people that aren't selfish these days.
exactly! If i couldn't have the will power to make a cake for my child I'd feel pretty bad about myself. Why should your family suffer because it's all about you! My mother is gluten intolerant and will go out of her way to feed her grandchildren a diet they are accustomed to even though she cant eat it. I've never once heard her b&tch about how unfair that is. What an immature attitude to teach your child.0 -
Last night my step son came home and asked me if I could make this better than sex cake that he had at my girlfriends house. I told him no I wouldn't make it. That is wasn't fair to me that I would have make a cake that I then couldn't eat.
Fair? My grandmother was a diabetic and she made the most delicious cakes and food for us. She always kept ice cream around so she could offer us some when we came over. It's harder and harder to find people that aren't selfish these days.
exactly! If i couldn't have the will power to make a cake for my child I'd feel pretty bad about myself. Why should your family suffer because it's all about you! My mother is gluten intolerant and will go out of her way to feed her grandchildren a diet they are accustomed to even though she cant eat it. I've never once heard her b&tch about how unfair that is. What an immature attitude to teach your child.
more immature than them expecting to have cake whenever they want it?0 -
How rare and wonderful!!!0
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Last night my step son came home and asked me if I could make this better than sex cake that he had at my girlfriends house. I told him no I wouldn't make it. That is wasn't fair to me that I would have make a cake that I then couldn't eat.
Fair? My grandmother was a diabetic and she made the most delicious cakes and food for us. She always kept ice cream around so she could offer us some when we came over. It's harder and harder to find people that aren't selfish these days.
exactly! If i couldn't have the will power to make a cake for my child I'd feel pretty bad about myself. Why should your family suffer because it's all about you! My mother is gluten intolerant and will go out of her way to feed her grandchildren a diet they are accustomed to even though she cant eat it. I've never once heard her b&tch about how unfair that is. What an immature attitude to teach your child.
more immature than them expecting to have cake whenever they want it?
Where does it say ' whenever they want it' exactly? I don't think its acceptable for a teen to demand anything in that way either... Who says the cake making should take place immediately. Would it not be reasonable and measured to say, 'sure, i have time on x day. I/we can make it then'. Does no one know how to act properly these days?0 -
I'm on the fence about this one.
Half of me is saying "don't push your diet on other people"
The other half is saying "Why not teach your son about healthy eating while you're trying to eat healthy too?" I certainly wish my mum had said "no" a few more times when I asked for cake!
I think the later is winning over for me, maybe mum only wants to bake sweets once/week for treats, or only have them on weekends?
Maybe the situation could have been handled better by saying "Let's try and find a slightly healthier alternative and have that instead!" or "For now, let's just have apples for a sweet snack, but next time we have a family get-together we can make this cake as a special treat!"
I think if it were a fad diet OP was doing, then I'd disagree with the circumstances, but it's not a fad diet, it's a lifestyle change, and saying "no" to cake every once in a while is going to be healthy for everyone in the family. Saying "no" all the time is not fair or realistic, but this is only one instance we're talking about.
Again, if I had been told "no" a few more times when I was a kid, I probably wouldn't have developed some of these bad habits I'm trying to break now. Give the kid a treat now and a gain, but don't cave every single time he asks.
Moderation is key
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My goodness!!! If the woman doesn't want to make a cake or fears that she would have difficulty reigning in her cravings if she made it - why on earth is it "rude" or "selfish" of her not to make a cake. Can't we just support one another in the decisions we make to become healthier people? She has determined that making the cake would end up causing her to sabotage her diet - good for her for knowing her limits, and good for her husband to support her. It doesn't sound like she is forcing anyone to eat differently - she is simply cooking differently and not making separate meals for everyone else. Why is that unreasonable? Those of you urging her to have a slice of cake - maybe that doesn't work for her! Its great that you have that room in your diet and can moderate, but what works for you isn't universally applicable to everyone else all the time.
OP posted by stating that she had a personal insight regarding things she does that may lead to her thwarting her goal of a healthier lifestyle and also shared a touching moment where she felt supported and valued by her husband. Those are causes to celebrate. Putting her needs last (and things like stepson's insistent demands for cake) likely is a common obstacle for her, as it can be for many of us.
THIS. And to all those people who are making personal remarks about how the husband is disrespectful to his son, or how the mother is selfish and unkind etc, sorry, I didn't realise you were part of their family?
If I asked either of my parents to bake me a cake, they would probably refuse. And my dad would probably make a joke about how I shouldn't be eating cake anyway. That must make them selfish parents.
Never mind that they have provided me with unfaltering. unconditional love, support and guidance throughout my entire life - no - they won't bake me a cake. Because that's what really counts when raising children. ¬_¬0 -
No step-parent is obligated to make a kid a cake just because he wants one. Basic Parenting 101. Kids don't always get what they want, regardless of how "nice" it might be to hand them the things they ask for.
That's a valid reason for not baking the cake.
HOWEVER, that's not the reason she implied. The reason OP was implying was they couldn't have any because she couldn't. That's NOT a valid reason.
But see, from many people's point of view, that IS a valid reason.
I can't smoke cigarettes because I was a 23 year addict. I will not buy them for other people. That IS valid.
I can't eat shellfish. I will not cook it for other people. That is valid.
I am not religious. I will not sit through a sermon for someone else. That is valid.
It is completely valid to decline to do a favor for someone else due to your own weaknesses with the subject of said request.
Valid?
I can't eat mushy oatmeal, but I make it for my husband. He can't eat tacos, but he puts up with the smell when I make it for myself. I am not Catholic, but I went to mass with a friend because she asked me to.
When I love someone, I am willing to do things like that for them.
oatmeal is hardly a diet breaker nor is tacos all the things you mention are not in the same league as cake. But You'd still not be a selfish person to refuse to do any of those things. It doesn't make you bad or wrong to assert yourself and say no.
But when you're talking sabotage foods that will probably cause you to kill your diet/health it's extremely reasonable.
I've been not wanting to say it but I will. It's thinking like this that goes along with being overweight. sugary fatty foods are not a right. They aren't something someone should ever be obliged to provide on whim for someone else or be thought of as some how bad .
This whole food as a reward or love or whatever way of thinking is WRONG and bad and is a huge part of the reason the western world has such a raging epidemic of obesity.
I've never viewed food in that manner. My mother does. It's disturbing to me. Self worth both gained from food and destroyed by what it does to your body..
this method of thinking is just SO destructive.
Love is a lot of things but it's not providing food for people that will make them overweight and it's not asking someone battling the bulge to provide you with junk food on whim. that's called enabling and sabotage. there are a lot of dynamics at work in the family. Change is threatening. but that needs to be dealt with in a HEALTHY manner.. not by silly games of junk food provision and guilt trips surrounding it.
She is NOT a bad person for saying no. just give that up.
"Diet breaker" is a red herring. Only *YOU* can choose to break your diet. To me, the poor mindset is in believing that if someone else eats something, that it will wreck *your* diet. That's just silly.
And I didn't say she was a "bad person." I merely disagree that her excuses are valid.0 -
Your husband is a great guy! You need to make him some better then sex cake, without the cake! He see's how great you are feeling about yourself now, and stepped it up for you, so that you didn't have to be the bad guy.......He's a keeper! Congrats!
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It's a CAKE people not dinner, not breakfast or lunch. She doesn't have to even give a reason for not baking the cake. She is the mom and all she had to say is NO.
No mother is obligated to explain to her child or step child why she says no.
Maybe it is too early in her eating change for her to be around cake or maybe like she said No i'm not making the cake because i can't have any. I don't see what the issue is with that. It's cake and some of ya'll are acting like she denied him his medicine. smh0 -
Her "excuses" don't have to be "valid" to you. They only have to be "valid" to her. Your argument in not valid, because what you consider an excuse, for the OP is a valid reason.No step-parent is obligated to make a kid a cake just because he wants one. Basic Parenting 101. Kids don't always get what they want, regardless of how "nice" it might be to hand them the things they ask for.
That's a valid reason for not baking the cake.
HOWEVER, that's not the reason she implied. The reason OP was implying was they couldn't have any because she couldn't. That's NOT a valid reason.
But see, from many people's point of view, that IS a valid reason.
I can't smoke cigarettes because I was a 23 year addict. I will not buy them for other people. That IS valid.
I can't eat shellfish. I will not cook it for other people. That is valid.
I am not religious. I will not sit through a sermon for someone else. That is valid.
It is completely valid to decline to do a favor for someone else due to your own weaknesses with the subject of said request.
Valid?
I can't eat mushy oatmeal, but I make it for my husband. He can't eat tacos, but he puts up with the smell when I make it for myself. I am not Catholic, but I went to mass with a friend because she asked me to.
When I love someone, I am willing to do things like that for them.
oatmeal is hardly a diet breaker nor is tacos all the things you mention are not in the same league as cake. But You'd still not be a selfish person to refuse to do any of those things. It doesn't make you bad or wrong to assert yourself and say no.
But when you're talking sabotage foods that will probably cause you to kill your diet/health it's extremely reasonable.
I've been not wanting to say it but I will. It's thinking like this that goes along with being overweight. sugary fatty foods are not a right. They aren't something someone should ever be obliged to provide on whim for someone else or be thought of as some how bad .
This whole food as a reward or love or whatever way of thinking is WRONG and bad and is a huge part of the reason the western world has such a raging epidemic of obesity.
I've never viewed food in that manner. My mother does. It's disturbing to me. Self worth both gained from food and destroyed by what it does to your body..
this method of thinking is just SO destructive.
Love is a lot of things but it's not providing food for people that will make them overweight and it's not asking someone battling the bulge to provide you with junk food on whim. that's called enabling and sabotage. there are a lot of dynamics at work in the family. Change is threatening. but that needs to be dealt with in a HEALTHY manner.. not by silly games of junk food provision and guilt trips surrounding it.
She is NOT a bad person for saying no. just give that up.
"Diet breaker" is a red herring. Only *YOU* can choose to break your diet. To me, the poor mindset is in believing that if someone else eats something, that it will wreck *your* diet. That's just silly.
And I didn't say she was a "bad person." I merely disagree that her excuses are valid.0 -
I love how if you start a diet and have to slowly ease into having temptation around you have somehow failed.:noway: when I started lifting I didn't consider myself a failure because I couldn't squat my body weight right away. These are things that have to be built up to as you can. The only failure is when you no longer try! This I can do it so you should be able to is egotistical and ignorant.:grumble:If I'm ever at a point where my friends and family ask me to bake and I say no cause it's too much temptation I've clearly failed and need to stop. My friend are all competent grown ups but everyone knows I make the beast brownies, basically a fudgy mass of butter and sugar, and I haven't stopped because 'diet'.
And I certainly don't let my husband dole out death threats, joking or otherwise. Oddly enough he's incredibly supportive without getting rude.
please next time refrain from measuring a person against yourself and try to look at how far they have actually come. Thank you :flowerforyou:0 -
All the responses of her being "selfish" is ridiculous.
Some people may know that they don't have adequate control over food yet.
Also, just because someone asks for it doesn't mean that they should get it. I'm sure she does lots of other nice things for them. One cake late at night does not make her selfish.
I think your husband is sweet for supporting your efforts!
Relax, people! She was trying to share a marital success and you bully her. Geez.0 -
One question to the OP. WHAT KIND OF SCANDALOUS COOKBOOK ARE YOU USING? "Better than sex" cake, "Ho Ho" cake?
Also, having read the whole thread in hopes for a recipe, I got a solid laugh from all the people replying without reading the OP's other posts.0
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