I'm mad at myself for getting to where I was and I'm mad at other people...
Replies
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If someone stopped you and said, "Wow, you've gotten really fat. You need to stop eating crap and start exercising." would that have helped or would you have gotten mad? We've tried giving you help on here and you just get mad at us, so I'm guessing them telling you that you are fat would have gone over about as well as most of your other posts looking for help.22
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Well I had someone put their hands on my belly and ask me when I was due. So at least one person let me know I had gained weight. It was painful and I am not grateful. I'm grateful that most people did not feel the need to let me know I had gained weight.
I knew I had gained. My clothes didn't fit. I had a scale. I had a mirror. I saw photos of myself. I didn't need anyone to tell me I weighed more than I should.
I'm not angry at myself or others. That isn't productive to me. I am managing my weight better now and that is the important thing.
Well I wish someone had because I did not know. My clothes felt the same to me. Im not really the type of person to pay attention and I wore huge shirts so unless I gained 150lbs I wouldnt notice. lol. BUT as I said if they didnt say anything thats OKAY but then why the hell are they commenting NOW when Im trying to be healthier? Like you get fat thats cool but you want to get thin and we are all unhealthy let me tell you why you shouldnt...1 -
If someone stopped you and said, "Wow, you've gotten really fat. You need to stop eating crap and start exercising." would that have helped or would you have gotten mad? We've tried giving you help on here and you just get mad at us, so I'm guessing them telling you that you are fat would have gone over about as well as most of your other posts looking for help.
It could be said in a nice way. "I've noticed you've been gaining weight lately, is everything okay?"0 -
HeliumIsNoble wrote: »Sorry you're feeling frustrated. I can see where you're coming from, but most reasonable, civil people (as in the people who aren't standard issue pains in the neck on a daily basis) would take it for granted that anyone overweight knows they're overweight and that any comment to that effect would be pointlessly personal and rude.
On the other hand, "ooh you're so slim" and similar are seen as nice, complimentary things to say. As well, everyone has seen a documentary about anorexic women who genuinely think they're fat, so many reasonable, civil people will feel the need to reassure anyone who has visibly lost weight that they are slim. Most of the time, most people are well-intentioned and wish to help others; it's just the application which leaves something to be desired.
It's not so much you're so slim as brushing you off if you say youre dieting.... Like oh here eat this ____ You dont need to lose weight its not a big deal type of stuff that gets me. Yes, I do need to lose weight. No Im not unhealthy because Im losing weight Im healthy for it and I was unhealthy when I was gaining... Or my friend he was 700lbs people had no issue sneaking him alcohol to get him even bigger. He's on an oxygen tank! And they still give him food when he's trying to get healthy. It's ridiculous.0 -
Let's be honest, most people don't respond well to family and friends calling them fat. The mirror doesn't lie and getting winded easier during normal activities is a good sign.
I do hate when people say I don't need to lose weight and I'm thin. If I'm working out I know I'm fat and clearly trying to better myself. No need to try and make me feel better by talking me out of it lol.
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Verity1111 wrote: »
Well, it seems like you're mostly mad people are being unsupportive and rude while you're losing. If so, there's no need to muddy the waters by complaining that they weren't equally rude while you were gaining.9 -
Verity1111 wrote: »Ummm. no one can gain 100 pounds without noticing, unless they were grossly overweight to start with. At some point you had to buy new pants unless you wear the worlds stretchiest yoga pants! You want everyone else to be honest with you but you are seriously lying to yourself if you think you didnt notice you were gaining that much weight.
Why are you not held to the same standard then as them? Be honest with yourself. Don't worry about being the rest of the world's monitor. It starts at home. Lead by example.
I never bought new pants. I didn't own a scale and I was in a wheelchair. I didn't notice. I didn't gain 100lbs lol I was not talking about me when I said that. I gained probably 40 though and I didnt notice at all until I got on a scale months later.
You live in your body. You get in and out of the wheelchair multiple times a day. You put clothes on and off. You go to the bathroom and have to wipe. You notice your body. You pay more attention to your own body than I guarantee anyone else on the planet ever would.
I can honestly say that someone sitting in a wheelchair that I see often could gain some weight without me noticing. ANd again, no one else is paying that much attention to your body.
My mom is in a wheelchair. I lift her 6-7 times a day. I wipe her butt. I dress her. I look at her constantly. I would notice if she gained 40 pounds. I assume that if you are lifting yourself, dressing yourself, wiping your own butt.... you would notice. If I gained 40 pounds (and I have, many times), I notice when putting my clothes on, when getting in and out of bed, when taking a shower or going to the bathroom, when sitting and feeling my stomach in my lap.
40 pounds is less than 100, yes. But go pick up a 40 pound bag of dog food - it is definitely noticeable. And that weight went somewhere - something on you is definitely bigger.
So my question is still valid - if you, seeing and feeling and lifting and living inside your body day in and day out, did not notice, why on earth are you upset that people who only see you dressed, sitting in a chair, not having to lift you up or look at you naked (clothes hide a lot, especially when sitting) did NOT notice or say anything? Why is the standard higher for them than you?9 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »1) Maybe they didn't think you were fat?
2) Maybe they didn't notice anything worth commenting on?
3) Maybe they felt it was none of their business?
4) Maybe they don't care?
5) Maybe you should just do you?
I am but that doesn't mean I don't find it frustrating being told that it's unhealthy to lose weight (when it obviously is not) but then when I was actually being unhealthy it was encouraged.0 -
RelCanonical wrote: »Getting down on yourself and others isn't really going to help anything. Time to reset everything to "now" and figure out how you're going to spend your future. You're here, so you know you have work to do.
Well yes true. Im already doing that. Something someone said just made it dawn on me... that people encourage negative behavior and discourage positive.0 -
Verity1111 wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »for not pointing out when I was gaining a lot of weight. It wouldn't matter if it weren't for the fact that people won't hesitate to tell you that you're getting thin (even if you're healthy) or comment that you're not eating enough, but you can gorge or gain almost 100lbs and no one will tell you. I can not believe that not only did I not notice I'd gained any weight, but no one cared enough to say, hey, your health is deteriorating, but I guarantee they have no issue telling me I don't need to lose weight (even if I'm not at a healthy weight). Maybe it's just me, but I point out and say good job when someone loses a lot of weight (in a polite way) and I also will be honest with people I know well and find a way to tell them they've gained weight if they ask or comment on it or that I've lost and if they ever want to join me at the gym etc I do something to show I am interested in their well-being and I wish people had done that for me.
You're mad because you didn't notice your clothes didn't fit anymore and no one pointed it out to you? I always assume people can tell they're gaining weight ...
This is YOUR responsibility. People will point out you're losing because it's considered a compliment in our society. Most people don't want to be rude and mean and point out when you're gaining. They assume you know, since, you know, you live in your body. You being in denial is not my fault.
You are all missing the point. Im mad because when I lose weight they complain yet when I was gaining weight no one said a word. It's as if they wanted me to gain weight. Because they're overweight it's like they want me to be overweight too.
It's just how society is it seems. Don't bring up flaws and encourage everyone they are perfect the way they are. I find it to be complete BS but in our overly PC culture this is the new Norm. Mention someone being fat and watch the backlash you will get.1 -
DJ_Skywalker wrote: »We become excited when someone points out that we are looking good, but become butt hurt if anyone offers constructive criticism or tells us the hurtful truth .... deep down I would know I am fat and wouldn't need someone else pointing it out. But, my grandmother had no problem letting me know I was putting on weight haha
Your granny is a good woman lol. But I seriously think it's polite because if you care for someone why would you want them to end up with health problems? But like I said this is more because me doing healthy things is discouraged but the unhealthy things were either ignored or encouraged. Also I hate when people comment on my looks at all unless it's for a productive reason lol I dont want to be called pretty unless it's from my boyfriend... makes me uncomfortable. but I dont mind if someone says I gained weight. At least then I know I should lose it. Lol.0 -
Verity1111 wrote: »DJ_Skywalker wrote: »We become excited when someone points out that we are looking good, but become butt hurt if anyone offers constructive criticism or tells us the hurtful truth .... deep down I would know I am fat and wouldn't need someone else pointing it out. But, my grandmother had no problem letting me know I was putting on weight haha
Your granny is a good woman lol. But I seriously think it's polite because if you care for someone why would you want them to end up with health problems? But like I said this is more because me doing healthy things is discouraged but the unhealthy things were either ignored or encouraged. Also I hate when people comment on my looks at all unless it's for a productive reason lol I dont want to be called pretty unless it's from my boyfriend... makes me uncomfortable. but I dont mind if someone says I gained weight. At least then I know I should lose it. Lol.
"Also I hate when people comment on my looks at all unless it's for a productive reason lol I dont want to be called pretty unless it's from my boyfriend... makes me uncomfortable. but I dont mind if someone says I gained weight."
saying you gained weight IS commenting on your looks
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »I think I get where you are coming from. It was a comment from my husband that brought me out of my funk and spurred me to lose weight. I wish he'd made the comment sooner. But, he didn't and that's not his fault. And who knows if he'd made it earlier if I'd have been as receptive.
Once I started on a diet I too was pretty p.o.'d at myself for gaining all the weight. All my life I'd been thin and fit. Why did I throw it all away and get fat for the first time after so many years??
I also agree with a poster above who said you had to know you were gaining weight. I did. Anyone that gains enough to make your clothes tight or go up a size knows it, whether they acknowledge it or not.
But anger and regret accomplish nothing. The past is the past. You can wallow in it, or you can move on from it.
My clothes weren't tight. I had a huge cast so my pants had to be loose so I could get them over it and I had giant baggy shirts. I really didnt notice at all. Its crazy but I didnt lol I went up 40lbs0 -
Maybe when you had a little bit of weight on you, you were considered healthy to them. When you lost the weight, your smaller size may have looked unhealthy in their eyes, therefore they never made a comment. However, do not worry or even occupy any space in your brain worrying or thinking about that. This is your race big or small, just try to be as healthy as you can be.0
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lemurcat12 wrote: »I knew I was getting fat -- how could I not? -- and I would have been rather insulted if someone had said "hey, getting fat!" or "did you know you gained a bunch of weight?" I also would never say that to someone else.
I also don't think comments on getting too thin are polite and wouldn't make them, but the only ones I've had are basically "great job" type comments or attempted reassurance "you don't need to lose more" that I think are intended to be positive. Sometimes comments come out weirdly.
I blame absolutely no one but myself for me getting fat (and I'm not really that hard on myself about it, what would be the point?, I know why I let it happen).
Im still in the obese category though. I feel like comments saying I dont need to lose weight or telling me to eat a giant slice of cake or five are honestly more like "Stay fat with me" lol and other things people say have kind of confirmed that thought process. But I really am surprised you all noticed you gained weight. But then again I was on bedrest and didnt leave my home for months so I was in huge baggy t shirts that werent even really mine and baggy pants with string pulls to fit them over my cast.0 -
So now I would just say to them, "Next time let me know when I'm getting fat, ok?"
If they are close friends and family, they will. If not now you know where you stand.
People can't read minds and it's generally a double edged sword to talk about weight gain or loss in general normal society.6 -
I had loved ones & my doctor point it out. Didn't matter until I was ready to deal with it, and the comments didn't really speed that process along.
They definitely would have for me. A doctor once while I was pregnancy said you dont NEED to gain anymore weight. I had no idea about calories or anything at that point though. I didnt know how to lose weight but I sure wanted to... but I was pregnant so it didnt seem safe. But I never forgot that and lost weight right after.0 -
I hate to say it but I'm not sure how successful you'll be in your weight loss if you don't take responsibility for your weight gain and admit it's all on you. As others have said, it's no one else's responsibility to point out the obvious to you. Most people have too much decency to say anything to your face.
It's not decent. Especially when you encourage someone to remain overweight.1 -
Verity1111 wrote: »for not pointing out when I was gaining a lot of weight. It wouldn't matter if it weren't for the fact that people won't hesitate to tell you that you're getting thin (even if you're healthy) or comment that you're not eating enough, but you can gorge or gain almost 100lbs and no one will tell you. I can not believe that not only did I not notice I'd gained any weight, but no one cared enough to say, hey, your health is deteriorating, but I guarantee they have no issue telling me I don't need to lose weight (even if I'm not at a healthy weight). Maybe it's just me, but I point out and say good job when someone loses a lot of weight (in a polite way) and I also will be honest with people I know well and find a way to tell them they've gained weight if they ask or comment on it or that I've lost and if they ever want to join me at the gym etc I do something to show I am interested in their well-being and I wish people had done that for me.
Have you ever tried telling someone they are getting fat? It doesn't go well. You would have written some BS post about THAT if it had happened
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Verity1111 wrote: »for not pointing out when I was gaining a lot of weight. It wouldn't matter if it weren't for the fact that people won't hesitate to tell you that you're getting thin (even if you're healthy) or comment that you're not eating enough, but you can gorge or gain almost 100lbs and no one will tell you. I can not believe that not only did I not notice I'd gained any weight, but no one cared enough to say, hey, your health is deteriorating, but I guarantee they have no issue telling me I don't need to lose weight (even if I'm not at a healthy weight). Maybe it's just me, but I point out and say good job when someone loses a lot of weight (in a polite way) and I also will be honest with people I know well and find a way to tell them they've gained weight if they ask or comment on it or that I've lost and if they ever want to join me at the gym etc I do something to show I am interested in their well-being and I wish people had done that for me.
Have you ever tried telling someone they are getting fat? It doesn't go well. You would have written some BS post about THAT if it had happened
I told my daughter I thought she was gaining too much weight with her last pregnancy. She didn't get upset.1 -
Verity1111 wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »I think I get where you are coming from. It was a comment from my husband that brought me out of my funk and spurred me to lose weight. I wish he'd made the comment sooner. But, he didn't and that's not his fault. And who knows if he'd made it earlier if I'd have been as receptive.
Once I started on a diet I too was pretty p.o.'d at myself for gaining all the weight. All my life I'd been thin and fit. Why did I throw it all away and get fat for the first time after so many years??
I also agree with a poster above who said you had to know you were gaining weight. I did. Anyone that gains enough to make your clothes tight or go up a size knows it, whether they acknowledge it or not.
But anger and regret accomplish nothing. The past is the past. You can wallow in it, or you can move on from it.
My clothes weren't tight. I had a huge cast so my pants had to be loose so I could get them over it and I had giant baggy shirts. I really didnt notice at all. Its crazy but I didnt lol I went up 40lbs
Take a look at the first line of your OP. Here, I'll quote it - including the title/header:I'm mad at myself for getting to where I was and I'm mad at other people for not pointing out when I was gaining a lot of weight.
If you were in a wheelchair with a huge cast and were wearing giant shirts such that you didn't notice you were gaining 40 lb, do you really think others would notice it? And if so, do you think they'd mention it, given the condition you were in at the time? I'd think the answers to both questions would unequivocally, "no."12 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »for not pointing out when I was gaining a lot of weight. It wouldn't matter if it weren't for the fact that people won't hesitate to tell you that you're getting thin (even if you're healthy) or comment that you're not eating enough, but you can gorge or gain almost 100lbs and no one will tell you. I can not believe that not only did I not notice I'd gained any weight, but no one cared enough to say, hey, your health is deteriorating, but I guarantee they have no issue telling me I don't need to lose weight (even if I'm not at a healthy weight). Maybe it's just me, but I point out and say good job when someone loses a lot of weight (in a polite way) and I also will be honest with people I know well and find a way to tell them they've gained weight if they ask or comment on it or that I've lost and if they ever want to join me at the gym etc I do something to show I am interested in their well-being and I wish people had done that for me.
Have you ever tried telling someone they are getting fat? It doesn't go well. You would have written some BS post about THAT if it had happened
I told my daughter I thought she was gaining too much weight with her last pregnancy. She didn't get upset.
Wow. WTG Mom! :noway:6 -
Verity1111 wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »I think I get where you are coming from. It was a comment from my husband that brought me out of my funk and spurred me to lose weight. I wish he'd made the comment sooner. But, he didn't and that's not his fault. And who knows if he'd made it earlier if I'd have been as receptive.
Once I started on a diet I too was pretty p.o.'d at myself for gaining all the weight. All my life I'd been thin and fit. Why did I throw it all away and get fat for the first time after so many years??
I also agree with a poster above who said you had to know you were gaining weight. I did. Anyone that gains enough to make your clothes tight or go up a size knows it, whether they acknowledge it or not.
But anger and regret accomplish nothing. The past is the past. You can wallow in it, or you can move on from it.
My clothes weren't tight. I had a huge cast so my pants had to be loose so I could get them over it and I had giant baggy shirts. I really didnt notice at all. Its crazy but I didnt lol I went up 40lbs
Take a look at the first line of your OP. Here, I'll quote it - including the title/header:I'm mad at myself for getting to where I was and I'm mad at other people for not pointing out when I was gaining a lot of weight.
If you were in a wheelchair with a huge cast and were wearing giant shirts such that you didn't notice you were gaining 40 lb, do you really think others would notice it? And if so, do you think they'd mention it, given the condition you were in at the time? I'd think the answers to both questions would unequivocally, "no."
I dont know. I notice when other people gain weight. I mention it. I couldnt see myself though - no mirrors! I only have a chest up mirror in the bathroom (Im short). I would be concerned for their health and definitely tell them.0 -
I think I kind of get where you are coming from, OP.
I have an aunt who keeps going on about how small I'm getting and how I need to eat. Meanwhile, I still need to lose 20lbs to get to a healthy weight for my height. This is not the smallest I've ever been either.
When I was putting on weight no one really said anything and I did gain 20 lbs or so without noticing. I didn't own a working scale at that point (my old one was a million years old and had stopped working) and my clothes (mostly dresses) are very forgiving though there were a few pieces that wouldn't fit, but I didn't realize I had gained so much.
I have given all the important people in my life permission now to tell me if they think I'm putting on weight because I have and will ask people what they think and everyone always said I looked 'fine'. I can be oblivious and sometimes I get lazy about weighing myself.
Yes, I agree it is my responsibility, but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else.1 -
Verity1111 wrote: »for not pointing out when I was gaining a lot of weight. It wouldn't matter if it weren't for the fact that people won't hesitate to tell you that you're getting thin (even if you're healthy) or comment that you're not eating enough, but you can gorge or gain almost 100lbs and no one will tell you. I can not believe that not only did I not notice I'd gained any weight, but no one cared enough to say, hey, your health is deteriorating, but I guarantee they have no issue telling me I don't need to lose weight (even if I'm not at a healthy weight). Maybe it's just me, but I point out and say good job when someone loses a lot of weight (in a polite way) and I also will be honest with people I know well and find a way to tell them they've gained weight if they ask or comment on it or that I've lost and if they ever want to join me at the gym etc I do something to show I am interested in their well-being and I wish people had done that for me.
Have you ever tried telling someone they are getting fat? It doesn't go well. You would have written some BS post about THAT if it had happened
Uh no I would not. Because it's helpful. Why would anyone get mad? If you're like MAN YOURE A FAT COW! of course someone will get upset. If you tactfully say you've gained some weight and I'm concerned they shouldn't get mad. And yes I have told my father that and he was not offended. He said Maybe I have I need to start walking more. My mom finally commented on my weight btw but by then I was already dieting. She was the only person who had the kindness to say anything.0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »for not pointing out when I was gaining a lot of weight. It wouldn't matter if it weren't for the fact that people won't hesitate to tell you that you're getting thin (even if you're healthy) or comment that you're not eating enough, but you can gorge or gain almost 100lbs and no one will tell you. I can not believe that not only did I not notice I'd gained any weight, but no one cared enough to say, hey, your health is deteriorating, but I guarantee they have no issue telling me I don't need to lose weight (even if I'm not at a healthy weight). Maybe it's just me, but I point out and say good job when someone loses a lot of weight (in a polite way) and I also will be honest with people I know well and find a way to tell them they've gained weight if they ask or comment on it or that I've lost and if they ever want to join me at the gym etc I do something to show I am interested in their well-being and I wish people had done that for me.
Have you ever tried telling someone they are getting fat? It doesn't go well. You would have written some BS post about THAT if it had happened
I told my daughter I thought she was gaining too much weight with her last pregnancy. She didn't get upset.
Because I assume she understood you care about her health. When my Dr said it I found the way she said it rude but I was glad she said it! The difference is at that time I was having my weight taken every week so I knew I was gaining lol BUT I was 19-20 and didnt know what was healthy or even what a calorie was.0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If someone stopped you and said, "Wow, you've gotten really fat. You need to stop eating crap and start exercising." would that have helped or would you have gotten mad? We've tried giving you help on here and you just get mad at us, so I'm guessing them telling you that you are fat would have gone over about as well as most of your other posts looking for help.
It could be said in a nice way. "I've noticed you've been gaining weight lately, is everything okay?"
Some people would respond in a positive way to something like that. The OP has a history of getting upset over actual helpful information that isn't negative or could be interpreted as an attack on her, so I don't think anyone telling her she's gained weight would go over well.10 -
Verity1111 wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »for not pointing out when I was gaining a lot of weight. It wouldn't matter if it weren't for the fact that people won't hesitate to tell you that you're getting thin (even if you're healthy) or comment that you're not eating enough, but you can gorge or gain almost 100lbs and no one will tell you. I can not believe that not only did I not notice I'd gained any weight, but no one cared enough to say, hey, your health is deteriorating, but I guarantee they have no issue telling me I don't need to lose weight (even if I'm not at a healthy weight). Maybe it's just me, but I point out and say good job when someone loses a lot of weight (in a polite way) and I also will be honest with people I know well and find a way to tell them they've gained weight if they ask or comment on it or that I've lost and if they ever want to join me at the gym etc I do something to show I am interested in their well-being and I wish people had done that for me.
Have you ever tried telling someone they are getting fat? It doesn't go well. You would have written some BS post about THAT if it had happened
Uh no I would not. Because it's helpful. Why would anyone get mad? If you're like MAN YOURE A FAT COW! of course someone will get upset. If you tactfully say you've gained some weight and I'm concerned they shouldn't get mad. And yes I have told my father that and he was not offended. He said Maybe I have I need to start walking more.
You see .. if someone felt the need to tell me I was gaining weight, I would not look at that any differently than if they had called me stupid. Did they think I didn't know??? Do they think they've given me some insight that I didn't have? How arrogant and condescending do you have to be to do that?9 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If someone stopped you and said, "Wow, you've gotten really fat. You need to stop eating crap and start exercising." would that have helped or would you have gotten mad? We've tried giving you help on here and you just get mad at us, so I'm guessing them telling you that you are fat would have gone over about as well as most of your other posts looking for help.
It could be said in a nice way. "I've noticed you've been gaining weight lately, is everything okay?"
Some people would respond in a positive way to something like that. The OP has a history of getting upset over actual helpful information that isn't negative or could be interpreted as an attack on her, so I don't think anyone telling her she's gained weight would go over well.
Perhaps not. But even if she got upset she still might make changes because of it. We often get upset initially over things that ultimately help us.0 -
I think I kind of get where you are coming from, OP.
I have an aunt who keeps going on about how small I'm getting and how I need to eat. Meanwhile, I still need to lose 20lbs to get to a healthy weight for my height. This is not the smallest I've ever been either.
When I was putting on weight no one really said anything and I did gain 20 lbs or so without noticing. I didn't own a working scale at that point (my old one was a million years old and had stopped working) and my clothes (mostly dresses) are very forgiving though there were a few pieces that wouldn't fit, but I didn't realize I had gained so much.
I have given all the important people in my life permission now to tell me if they think I'm putting on weight because I have and will ask people what they think and everyone always said I looked 'fine'. I can be oblivious and sometimes I get lazy about weighing myself.
Yes, I agree it is my responsibility, but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else.
This. It isn't about responsibility for the weight. Of course I am the one who gained it! This has nothing to do with that. The point of this post is why are people complaining when we are getting healthier, but they never complain when we're killing ourselves...0
This discussion has been closed.
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