I'm mad at myself for getting to where I was and I'm mad at other people...
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Verity1111 wrote: »vespiquenn wrote: »Somehow your threads always become trainwrecks..
If you don't like the company you are with because they comment on your weight loss, then either tell them you are getting by fine or change the people you surround yourself with.
However, it seems less taboo to mention weight loss rather than gain in our society. Complaining about it won't change that.
Oh I dont mind them mentioning it! I mind them telling me not to do it or that I cant and to give up, etc. It's cool with me if they mention it or even make a quick suggestion, but I hate when they are super pushy about what I should do with my body and it's not even good advice.
Then refer back to both steps of my advice.
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vespiquenn wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »vespiquenn wrote: »Somehow your threads always become trainwrecks..
If you don't like the company you are with because they comment on your weight loss, then either tell them you are getting by fine or change the people you surround yourself with.
However, it seems less taboo to mention weight loss rather than gain in our society. Complaining about it won't change that.
Oh I dont mind them mentioning it! I mind them telling me not to do it or that I cant and to give up, etc. It's cool with me if they mention it or even make a quick suggestion, but I hate when they are super pushy about what I should do with my body and it's not even good advice.
Then refer back to both steps of my advice.
Yes seems to be the only option. It's not easy when some are relatives or close friends for years however. And even if I do that I needed to get this out of my system, even if it's just to strangers. lol.0 -
Sometimes you need to be really blunt with people. As I mentioned in my earlier comment, I dealt with similar remarks and I've had to really put my foot down. "My weight, my body and/or my eating habits are not open for discussion. I'm an adult, I've made my decision and I'm asking you to respect that if you'd like to continue being involved in my life." Sounds cheesy, but I found it effective. Some people don't see the problem with their behavior and need to be told in no uncertain terms that you simply will not tolerate it.4
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Sometimes you need to be really blunt with people. As I mentioned in my earlier comment, I dealt with similar remarks and I've had to really put my foot down. "My weight, my body and/or my eating habits are not open for discussion. I'm an adult, I've made my decision and I'm asking you to respect that if you'd like to continue being involved in my life." Sounds cheesy, but I found it effective. Some people don't see the problem with their behavior and need to be told in no uncertain terms that you simply will not tolerate it.
I guess so. I am blunt on here and like I said I speak up about things, but I also have lines I don't like to cross. Defending myself is harder than defending other things. I try to explain it kindly and then I just give up sometimes and walk away trying not to be rude. Maybe I do just need to be sterner.0 -
Nobody is on this journey but YOU! No one BUT you is responsible for what you put in your mouth. Own it. Move on...3
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No one can win. People complain when others comment on their weight loss, or when they don't comment on their weight loss, or when they comment on their weight gain, or now apparently if they don't comment on their weight gain. No one wins. Ever.11
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If you didn't notice a gain of 40 lbs due to baggy clothing, how was anyone else supposed to?13
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op, im wondering if you are in a different culture than a lot of us. all i know is when somebody tells me im skinny, i lost weight, i should stop losing, etc i feel great! even if they meant that i look terrible lol. but to tell someone that they gained or theyre too fat? that is a huge no-no where im from. in no way, shape, or form is that acceptable. or helpful btw. in most cases, the person themselves knows better than anyone that theyve gained weight or are fat and nothing will make them lose until they decide to do it. i would never, never tell someone that.1
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A lot of times they want to slow your progress because they don't want to have to reflect on their own body/health and feel guilted into action themselves.1
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Verity1111 wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »I think I get where you are coming from. It was a comment from my husband that brought me out of my funk and spurred me to lose weight. I wish he'd made the comment sooner. But, he didn't and that's not his fault. And who knows if he'd made it earlier if I'd have been as receptive.
Once I started on a diet I too was pretty p.o.'d at myself for gaining all the weight. All my life I'd been thin and fit. Why did I throw it all away and get fat for the first time after so many years??
I also agree with a poster above who said you had to know you were gaining weight. I did. Anyone that gains enough to make your clothes tight or go up a size knows it, whether they acknowledge it or not.
But anger and regret accomplish nothing. The past is the past. You can wallow in it, or you can move on from it.
My clothes weren't tight. I had a huge cast so my pants had to be loose so I could get them over it and I had giant baggy shirts. I really didnt notice at all. Its crazy but I didnt lol I went up 40lbs
Take a look at the first line of your OP. Here, I'll quote it - including the title/header:I'm mad at myself for getting to where I was and I'm mad at other people for not pointing out when I was gaining a lot of weight.
If you were in a wheelchair with a huge cast and were wearing giant shirts such that you didn't notice you were gaining 40 lb, do you really think others would notice it? And if so, do you think they'd mention it, given the condition you were in at the time? I'd think the answers to both questions would unequivocally, "no."
I dont know. I notice when other people gain weight. I mention it.
And how does that go for you?
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I didn't gain 100lbs. That was an exaggerated example but I have a friend who gain hundredS and no one stepped in until he ended up in the hospital to say hey youre killing yourself... BUT I did gain 40lbs and not notice at all. I was injured and I wore large shirts and large pants with pull ties (to be able to get them over my injured leg). Never went out. Now people seem to have an issue with me aiming for a healthy weight. It bothers me that people seem to like when others are overweight and dislike them to get healthier unless theyre also on a path to wellness.[/quote]
What did you say to that friend as he was gaining the weight? How successful was your verbal intervention?
Also, I am not sure how you would expect others to: 1. notice a weight gain and then 2. comment on weight gain when you claim you could not even see it on yourself?
Yeah, it sucks when we feel people idly sit by and watch us self-destruct but a lot of time: 1. People know that we know - whatever it is...we're too fat, we drink too much, we do x, y, z, etc. 2. People know a verbal comment won't help and will usually only make things worse. There are rare cases where a verbal intervention is warranted and appropriate depending upon the relationship and situation. I just don't understand how you could have expected such when you could not even tell you had gained 40 lbs?2 -
op, im wondering if you are in a different culture than a lot of us. all i know is when somebody tells me im skinny, i lost weight, i should stop losing, etc i feel great! even if they meant that i look terrible lol. but to tell someone that they gained or theyre too fat? that is a huge no-no where im from. in no way, shape, or form is that acceptable. or helpful btw. in most cases, the person themselves knows better than anyone that theyve gained weight or are fat and nothing will make them lose until they decide to do it. i would never, never tell someone that.
Exactly this.
Where I live, being thin is a positive, being told I'm looking thin is a compliment (or I take it as that, but I think it's mean as such). People would be annoyed if I stopped going to restaurants with them, but they don't care what I order.
I do wonder if these are just extreme cultural differences of some sort.0 -
meganridenour wrote: »No one can win. People complain when others comment on their weight loss, or when they don't comment on their weight loss, or when they comment on their weight gain, or now apparently if they don't comment on their weight gain. No one wins. Ever.
You obviously didn't get the point isn't that they didn't comment on the weight gain alone but that they also discourage the weight loss.0 -
danika2point0 wrote: »I didn't gain 100lbs. That was an exaggerated example but I have a friend who gain hundredS and no one stepped in until he ended up in the hospital to say hey youre killing yourself... BUT I did gain 40lbs and not notice at all. I was injured and I wore large shirts and large pants with pull ties (to be able to get them over my injured leg). Never went out. Now people seem to have an issue with me aiming for a healthy weight. It bothers me that people seem to like when others are overweight and dislike them to get healthier unless theyre also on a path to wellness.What did you say to that friend as he was gaining the weight? How successful was your verbal intervention?
Also, I am not sure how you would expect others to: 1. notice a weight gain and then 2. comment on weight gain when you claim you could not even see it on yourself?
Yeah, it sucks when we feel people idly sit by and watch us self-destruct but a lot of time: 1. People know that we know - whatever it is...we're too fat, we drink too much, we do x, y, z, etc. 2. People know a verbal comment won't help and will usually only make things worse. There are rare cases where a verbal intervention is warranted and appropriate depending upon the relationship and situation. I just don't understand how you could have expected such when you could not even tell you had gained 40 lbs?
We always asked how his weight loss was going and encouraged it. We did not order food around him, etc but these people promoted his bad habits and when he said no would push it on him. Also, again, I can't see me from far away but others can. I'm sure I notice when someone gains weight before they do unless they wear tight clothing. But again as I said it's not just watching people gain, it's because they discourage weight loss.0 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »op, im wondering if you are in a different culture than a lot of us. all i know is when somebody tells me im skinny, i lost weight, i should stop losing, etc i feel great! even if they meant that i look terrible lol. but to tell someone that they gained or theyre too fat? that is a huge no-no where im from. in no way, shape, or form is that acceptable. or helpful btw. in most cases, the person themselves knows better than anyone that theyve gained weight or are fat and nothing will make them lose until they decide to do it. i would never, never tell someone that.
Exactly this.
Where I live, being thin is a positive, being told I'm looking thin is a compliment (or I take it as that, but I think it's mean as such). People would be annoyed if I stopped going to restaurants with them, but they don't care what I order.
I do wonder if these are just extreme cultural differences of some sort.
Not at all. I'm in Chicago. My friends are mostly caucasian or hispanic. It's not annoyance it's like anger and it's not like it's mentioned one time and then dropped either.0 -
ImKaren768 wrote: »A lot of times they want to slow your progress because they don't want to have to reflect on their own body/health and feel guilted into action themselves.
Yeah I am starting to wonder if that's part of it.0 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »If you didn't notice a gain of 40 lbs due to baggy clothing, how was anyone else supposed to?
I don't have a mirror? I think other people would notice before me - same as if I lose weight. I don't notice unless I step on a scale. I lost 30lbs in about 2-3 months once without trying as a teenager and I did not notice until someone said OMG your legs are so skinny what happened? I looked down and I was like huh...I guess? lol.0 -
op, im wondering if you are in a different culture than a lot of us. all i know is when somebody tells me im skinny, i lost weight, i should stop losing, etc i feel great! even if they meant that i look terrible lol. but to tell someone that they gained or theyre too fat? that is a huge no-no where im from. in no way, shape, or form is that acceptable. or helpful btw. in most cases, the person themselves knows better than anyone that theyve gained weight or are fat and nothing will make them lose until they decide to do it. i would never, never tell someone that.
Well, first of all I don't like being told anything about my body as far as you look good or bad. I simply appreciate being told hey I care about you and I think you're risking your health a lot more than I appreciate people discouraging my new healthy habits.0 -
Verity1111 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »If you didn't notice a gain of 40 lbs due to baggy clothing, how was anyone else supposed to?
I don't have a mirror? I think other people would notice before me - same as if I lose weight. I don't notice unless I step on a scale. I lost 30lbs in about 2-3 months once without trying as a teenager and I did not notice until someone said OMG your legs are so skinny what happened? I looked down and I was like huh...I guess? lol.
Sorry, I don't buy it. You wash you, dress you, see yourself naked. You don't need a mirror to have an awareness of your body. It's completely illogical to be dark on people for not pointing something out to you that you didn't even see yourself. Gradual weight isn't screamingly obvious, clearly if you never noticed it. It's bizarre that you expect people who aren't you to notice it first.4 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »If you didn't notice a gain of 40 lbs due to baggy clothing, how was anyone else supposed to?
I don't have a mirror? I think other people would notice before me - same as if I lose weight. I don't notice unless I step on a scale. I lost 30lbs in about 2-3 months once without trying as a teenager and I did not notice until someone said OMG your legs are so skinny what happened? I looked down and I was like huh...I guess? lol.
Sorry, I don't buy it. You wash you, dress you, see yourself naked. You don't need a mirror to have an awareness of your body. It's completely illogical to be dark on people for not pointing something out to you that you didn't even see yourself. Gradual weight isn't screamingly obvious, clearly if you never noticed it. It's bizarre that you expect people who aren't you to notice it first.
I don't exactly sit around looking at myself naked. and I had an ED and I always think I'm huge but the scale doesn't usually show it. There's a big difference. And don't buy it all you want. I really don't care. That's all I have to say on it. I don't find it bizarre. I notice someone else gaining before they do - as I said. I don't see how they'd notice first unless they wear a lot of tight clothing. 40lbs in 4-5 months isn't that gradual of a weight gain.0 -
Verity1111 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »If you didn't notice a gain of 40 lbs due to baggy clothing, how was anyone else supposed to?
I don't have a mirror? I think other people would notice before me - same as if I lose weight. I don't notice unless I step on a scale. I lost 30lbs in about 2-3 months once without trying as a teenager and I did not notice until someone said OMG your legs are so skinny what happened? I looked down and I was like huh...I guess? lol.
Sorry, I don't buy it. You wash you, dress you, see yourself naked. You don't need a mirror to have an awareness of your body. It's completely illogical to be dark on people for not pointing something out to you that you didn't even see yourself. Gradual weight isn't screamingly obvious, clearly if you never noticed it. It's bizarre that you expect people who aren't you to notice it first.
I don't exactly sit around looking at myself naked. and I had an ED and I always think I'm huge but the scale doesn't usually show it. There's a big difference. And don't buy it all you want. I really don't care. That's all I have to say on it. I don't find it bizarre. I notice someone else gaining before they do - as I said. I don't see how they'd notice first unless they wear a lot of tight clothing. 40lbs in 4-5 months isn't that gradual of a weight gain.
Maybe you spend a lot more time worrying about other people's weight than most?3 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »If you didn't notice a gain of 40 lbs due to baggy clothing, how was anyone else supposed to?
I don't have a mirror? I think other people would notice before me - same as if I lose weight. I don't notice unless I step on a scale. I lost 30lbs in about 2-3 months once without trying as a teenager and I did not notice until someone said OMG your legs are so skinny what happened? I looked down and I was like huh...I guess? lol.
Sorry, I don't buy it. You wash you, dress you, see yourself naked. You don't need a mirror to have an awareness of your body. It's completely illogical to be dark on people for not pointing something out to you that you didn't even see yourself. Gradual weight isn't screamingly obvious, clearly if you never noticed it. It's bizarre that you expect people who aren't you to notice it first.
I don't exactly sit around looking at myself naked. and I had an ED and I always think I'm huge but the scale doesn't usually show it. There's a big difference. And don't buy it all you want. I really don't care. That's all I have to say on it. I don't find it bizarre. I notice someone else gaining before they do - as I said. I don't see how they'd notice first unless they wear a lot of tight clothing. 40lbs in 4-5 months isn't that gradual of a weight gain.
Maybe you spend a lot more time worrying about other people's weight than most?
I don't worry about it. It's pretty obvious if someone gains 40lbs if I can see them from a distance lol. But I have an eye for stuff like that. I can tell a lot of people's pants size by looking at them etc because I was so obsessed with it when I was a teen. I don't go looking to know - I just notice instantly that hey that person looks smaller or bigger... I would notice it in myself if I had a mirror, but I hadn't seen my reflection in a long, long, long time. Now I look at the gym everytime I go because I can tell if there has been some progress usually even if I can't tell how much and even if I still feel awful about myself. The only time I can't tell a 40lbs gain is if the person already started over 300-400lbs to be honest because after that I just can't seem to tell the difference.0 -
Tomk652015 wrote: »the anger wont help
For some people it does. motivation comes from wherever it comes from. A break up is usually good motivation to loose weight.1 -
Tomk652015 wrote: »the anger wont help
For some people it does. motivation comes from wherever it comes from. A break up is usually good motivation to loose weight.
That's true too. Also people tend to cut and dye their hair after break ups lol1 -
Aside from having to buy the next size up in clothing, another way I knew I had put on weight was that I wasn't comfortable when I sat.
I was OK if I sat bolt upright in a fairly straight, firm chair ... but I couldn't sit comfortably on the sofa anymore because my tummy rolls all bunched up and were uncomfortable, plus breathing was a bit more difficult.
No need for a mirror ... I just had to sit down to realise that all was not well.1 -
I am way fat and my husband won't ever say that to me because I've been fat forever, lol. I know. My man has been thin his whole life and this is his heaviest and he doesn't like it. He loses is so easy, he is lucky. He is down to 185 from 215lbs. He looks great, but he starts to fall back into bad habits & hes goes back up.
So when he gains weight, I do tell him but he gets upset with me because it hurts his feelings, but I tell him that I'm not telling him because I hate him or anything, I tell him because I love him. Besides that, his family hates me & blames me for anything in his life that isn't perfect, lol, oh well! So I do gotta help him get focused again, for himself, no one else, even tho i gotta be the bad guy at times.
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I am way fat and my husband won't ever say that to me because I've been fat forever, lol. I know. My man has been thin his whole life and this is his heaviest and he doesn't like it. He loses is so easy, he is lucky. He is down to 185 from 215lbs. He looks great, but he starts to fall back into bad habits & hes goes back up.
So when he gains weight, I do tell him but he gets upset with me because it hurts his feelings, but I tell him that I'm not telling him because I hate him or anything, I tell him because I love him. Besides that, his family hates me & blames me for anything in his life that isn't perfect, lol, oh well! So I do gotta help him get focused again, for himself, no one else, even tho i gotta be the bad guy at times.
Right. and you do that out of love which is good in my opinion. I'm sure you love him either way, but you probably know he won't be happy bigger. That's what I mean. That's nowhere near as bad as when people discourage you from becoming healthy - they don't have your best interests at heart them.0 -
OP, I didn't read the comments, but I remember you from another discussion we had on another thread you posted. You were very aggressive in dismissing all opinions that did not match yours. I don't know if that's how you are in your real life too, but changes are you are. People won't tell you *kitten* if you act like you don't want to hear. That might be a reason.......6
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@Verity1111 A penny just dropped for me. You're generally open about your past experiences with EDs and I've seen you offering support on other threads to people struggling to overcome disordered eating.
Do people in real life know? With this in mind, wouldn't that explain both:
1) why people wouldn't dare mention any weight gain they notice (IF they noticed) in case it was triggering and shoved you back into that mindset and
2) why people comment so much on your weight LOSS? They are perhaps concerned that you are going to slip back into eating disorder territory again. I think visible weight loss in anyone known to have previously struggled with an ED is pretty likely to cause panic in their friends and family.
Just a thought.5 -
HeliumIsNoble wrote: »@Verity1111 A penny just dropped for me. You're generally open about your past experiences with EDs and I've seen you offering support on other threads to people struggling to overcome disordered eating.
Do people in real life know? With this in mind, wouldn't that explain both:
1) why people wouldn't dare mention any weight gain they notice (IF they noticed) in case it was triggering and shoved you back into that mindset and
2) why people comment so much on your weight LOSS? They are perhaps concerned that you are going to slip back into eating disorder territory again. I think visible weight loss in anyone known to have previously struggled with an ED is pretty likely to cause panic in their friends and family.
Just a thought.
No they don't know except for my dr and my boyfriend. But I understand that would make sense. lol. I had an ED but I was never underweight, just an average weight with super bad habits...0
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