I'm mad at myself for getting to where I was and I'm mad at other people...
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Verity1111 wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »1) Maybe they didn't think you were fat?
2) Maybe they didn't notice anything worth commenting on?
3) Maybe they felt it was none of their business?
4) Maybe they don't care?
5) Maybe you should just do you?
I am but that doesn't mean I don't find it frustrating being told that it's unhealthy to lose weight (when it obviously is not) but then when I was actually being unhealthy it was encouraged.
So it seems the real issue is not that people should have told you you were too fat (which most people would find kind of insulting, because they know), but because people are being negative about your weight loss. First, that sucks. I guess one benefit for me of being mostly surrounded by people who are into fitness and normal weight is that I got only positive reactions when losing (I know some overweight people too, but their reaction was either to ignore it or, more commonly, to ask how I did it or just say "good job, I need to get around to losing weight"). Second, I'd see that as more encouragement, really -- not sure why, but people acting like I can't do something or shouldn't tends to egg me on. Especially if you really do think they are trying to undercut you on purpose. (I will admit, perhaps based on different life experiences, that others than close family where relationships can be weird sometimes, I don't really think most people do that. I think more likely people do worry that you are losing in an unhealthy manner -- a co-worker of mine was nervous to say something to me until she confirmed I did not have cancer or something -- or just are surprised by seeing you look a way they are not used to, and maybe have their own perceptions messed up. So I take "oh my goodness, you are so thin! don't get any thinner!" as nothing but something people say. I certainly would not take it as them trying to discourage me, and I'd also ignore it beyond saying "thank you!")1 -
nightengale7 wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »I think I kind of get where you are coming from, OP.
I have an aunt who keeps going on about how small I'm getting and how I need to eat. Meanwhile, I still need to lose 20lbs to get to a healthy weight for my height. This is not the smallest I've ever been either.
When I was putting on weight no one really said anything and I did gain 20 lbs or so without noticing. I didn't own a working scale at that point (my old one was a million years old and had stopped working) and my clothes (mostly dresses) are very forgiving though there were a few pieces that wouldn't fit, but I didn't realize I had gained so much.
I have given all the important people in my life permission now to tell me if they think I'm putting on weight because I have and will ask people what they think and everyone always said I looked 'fine'. I can be oblivious and sometimes I get lazy about weighing myself.
Yes, I agree it is my responsibility, but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else.
This. It isn't about responsibility for the weight. Of course I am the one who gained it! This has nothing to do with that. The point of this post is why are people complaining when we are getting healthier, but they never complain when we're killing ourselves...
40lbs is not "killing yourself." While that is a good bit of gain, it's probably not going to detrimentally affect your health very much if you were at a decent, healthy weight to start with. I agree with the other posters, if you didn't notice, how could anyone else? People think they are being supportive by saying you don't need to lose weight, generally there aren't any nefarious motivations behind it. Also most people would FREAK OUT if you told them they needed to lose weight, if you truly wouldn't have minded, that puts you in the minority.
I was not at a healthy weight to start with. I was at an overweight, post-partum weight. But not so much so that my being overweight clinically was noticeable. By the time I hit 40lbs+ I was obese. I'm 5'4" so 40lbs is a pretty big jump. You can go from normal to obese with 40lbs if you look at BMI. Well, I am going to piss of a lot of people FYI because I am almost always 100% honest. I hate lying and I hate hiding things...I'm very blunt but I try to remain tactful if it's something sensitive like weight. I still feel it is my place to need to say something if I truly care. I'd rather say it than regret it if they end up with detrimental health issues. Hopefully that makes sense. I don't blame other people who don't speak up but all I am saying is IF you dont tell me Im unhealthy, then please also dont tell me not to become healthy... it is one thing to not care if someone is overweight, it is another to discourage them from improving their lifestyle/health.0 -
puddlegoober wrote: »I completely understand the frustration you expressed in your original post. Ultimately it's our responsibility to take care of ourselves, but it's frustrating to think that others around us likely have moments of "awareness" regarding our struggles that they choose to ignore, for whatever reason.
It's not their responsibility, but as a person who asks others constantly for help in this regard, it's frustrating. People in my life know that I will never crap on them for giving me constructive critical advice or concern, even if it stings (sometimes a LOT) at the time. Still, I find that the only real way for me to get the kind of feedback that I NEED is to log into this damned site every day (which I have been avoiding like the plague for a couple of months).
So here I am, back again.
Feel free to friend me if you want someone who will happily chase you down and help keep you accountable (if you agree to do the same for me).
Best of luck either way.
I'm always down for a good chase lol0 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »It would be nice but it's not their job.
You. Are. Not. Fat.
So shut it. You have a goal you're working too. So be beautiful while you get there.0 -
work_on_it wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »It would be nice but it's not their job.
You. Are. Not. Fat.
So shut it. You have a goal you're working too. So be beautiful while you get there.
But I am and it's ok. Also this thread isn't about me.2 -
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TeinyWinehouse wrote: »AH. How do you NOT notice you've gained 100lbs?!
Lol again that was exaggerated. I gained 40. No mirror. Clothes were xxl and xl and loose so I didn't notice. If fitted I wore s/m. Also pants were drawstring due to injury as u said they needed to pass a cast. I was in a wheelchair for five months so I also didn't get out or walk so I just didn't notice any differences in my body while sitting on my butt most of the time.0 -
You were wearing a cast? You didn't notice that getting significantly snugger? I'm assuming it wasn't changed every week and so the incremental gains would be invisible.
Also, people will project their own feelings about themselves onto others. They don't/won't/can't lose weight themselves so feel someone else's successful weight loss is sort of a comment on themselves and their self denial.
Just move on. You seem to only look for confirmation bias, your answer for everything everyone says that opposes your view get s&%t all over. So why even ask.10 -
[/quote] I was seeing someone for my ankle injury not being weighed though so for 4 months I didnt know...it was all huge shirts (xl/xxl t shirts when I was as far as I knew a M) and baggy string pull pants because my cast was huge. lol. But you are right. I wish my dr had even weighed me when I went to be seen for my ankle and said there were ways to help manage my weight - maybe 20lbs in? Even if I couldnt feel a difference in my clothes Im sure if I had a mirror I may have noticed (I dont have a mirror except chest up).[/quote]
How did you not know what size clothing you were wearing?
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@Verity1111 How could you gain 100 lb without a few times telling yourself something similar to, "This bra doesn't fit", or "These pants are too small"?
Here you are using the best resource available to take control of your CI and nursing anger at other people for things your own fault? With an attitude like that, I shall believe that you don't need a reason to be angry. Get some professional counseling.8 -
TeinyWinehouse wrote: »AH. How do you NOT notice you've gained 100lbs?!
A long time ago, in the comfort of marriage land, I put on 100+ lbs. I was absolutely oblivious. Some people, including me, get hyperfocused on things. For a long time I was hyper focused on my career (and my career excelled because of it) but other aspects didn't just go to the wayside, they got completely ignored and overlooked... entirely.
Then one day you go to put on that old dusty t-shirt that doesn't fit, or you find out your wife is sleeping with 10 other guys, and you're like, "Damn, I put on some pounds, when did that happen?"
Only half joking.
This thread is crazy. Verity why are you arguing everyone? Just... let it go lol. I get what you were saying in your original post, I'm sure others do too, but now it's become this thread of.... craziness. No one told me when I was getting fat either. Then they all abandoned me when I started getting health issues from it. But it's not their fault. It's mine. No one forced me to sit in a chair all day and live off delivery.3 -
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I think there's a big difference between not knowing you were gaining weight and being in denial about the weight gain. Quit focusing on the coulda, woulda, shoulda, and look towards the healthier future!1
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Geocitiesuser wrote: »TeinyWinehouse wrote: »AH. How do you NOT notice you've gained 100lbs?!
A long time ago, in the comfort of marriage land, I put on 100+ lbs. I was absolutely oblivious. Some people, including me, get hyperfocused on things. For a long time I was hyper focused on my career (and my career excelled because of it) but other aspects didn't just go to the wayside, they got completely ignored and overlooked... entirely.
Then one day you go to put on that old dusty t-shirt that doesn't fit, or you find out your wife is sleeping with 10 other guys, and you're like, "Damn, I put on some pounds, when did that happen?"
Only half joking.
This thread is crazy. Verity why are you arguing everyone? Just... let it go lol. I get what you were saying in your original post, I'm sure others do too, but now it's become this thread of.... craziness. No one told me when I was getting fat either. Then they all abandoned me when I started getting health issues from it. But it's not their fault. It's mine. No one forced me to sit in a chair all day and live off delivery.
I don't consider it arguing? To argue you need to yell IMO. I consider it disagreeing or clarifying. And also you seem to not get what I meant because you also talk about who made you gain weight. That's not the point. What's irritating is that people not only don't open their mouth when it can be helpful but they do open them when they shouldnt (telling you not to get healthy, etc).0 -
I was seeing someone for my ankle injury not being weighed though so for 4 months I didnt know...it was all huge shirts (xl/xxl t shirts when I was as far as I knew a M) and baggy string pull pants because my cast was huge. lol. But you are right. I wish my dr had even weighed me when I went to be seen for my ankle and said there were ways to help manage my weight - maybe 20lbs in? Even if I couldnt feel a difference in my clothes Im sure if I had a mirror I may have noticed (I dont have a mirror except chest up).[/quote]Butts_Boys_and_Burgers_ohmy wrote: »
How did you not know what size clothing you were wearing?
[/quote]
What do you mean? I was wearing shirts that didn't belong to me. They were xxl/xl men's and huge on me even after gaining 40lbs. That's why I didn't notice. I couldn't tell super loose shirts from still pretty friggin loose shirts lol0 -
Verity1111 wrote: »I think the only people that I would talk to about their unhealthy weight gain is family. I routinely see a very obese person and shake my head because I know that they can reverse it. I also think about all pain suffering and expense it will cause. I realize that in most cases I can not change the world but I can set a good example.
I am talking about family and people I know pretty well. They seem to want me (and other people as well) to gain weight because they had no issue with that but I can be overweight and I'm told I don't need to lose weight and discouraged from it.
I don't think the majority of people want you to be fat. I'm guessing most people are just used to people at larger sizes so when someone starts losing it genuinely looks unhealthy to them because so many people are so overweight.2 -
Everyone I know never notice my weight gain, just as they never notice my weight losses. Probably because I have lost and gained the same 50 pounds a dozen times over the last ten years.
That bites. I hope you lose it and it stays off (unless you want it to stay on, in which case by all means I hope you end up wherever you're happy).1 -
JeromeBarry1 wrote: »@Verity1111 How could you gain 100 lb without a few times telling yourself something similar to, "This bra doesn't fit", or "These pants are too small"?
Here you are using the best resource available to take control of your CI and nursing anger at other people for things your own fault? With an attitude like that, I shall believe that you don't need a reason to be angry. Get some professional counseling.
I never said I gained 100lbs. Why do people keep assuming that? I did not say I did. And HOW is it my fault that people are telling me not to lose weight? Which is what I'm complaining about and I thought was pretty clear.
" It wouldn't matter if it weren't for the fact that people won't hesitate to tell you that you're getting thin (even if you're healthy) or comment that you're not eating enough, but you can gorge or gain almost 100lbs and no one will tell you. I can not believe that not only did I not notice I'd gained any weight, but no one cared enough to say, hey, your health is deteriorating, but I guarantee they have no issue telling me I don't need to lose weight (even if I'm not at a healthy weight)." I said It wouldn't matter if it weren't that they don't hesitate to tell you that you're too thin etc So obviously Im complaining that people are trying to get me to stay overweight and seem angry that Im not.0 -
VintageFeline wrote: »You were wearing a cast? You didn't notice that getting significantly snugger? I'm assuming it wasn't changed every week and so the incremental gains would be invisible.
Also, people will project their own feelings about themselves onto others. They don't/won't/can't lose weight themselves so feel someone else's successful weight loss is sort of a comment on themselves and their self denial.
Just move on. You seem to only look for confirmation bias, your answer for everything everyone says that opposes your view get s&%t all over. So why even ask.
It didn't get snugger. My legs didn't blow up from 40lbs lol Why would they? It was 40lbs spread over my body mostly my thighs and stomach and my cast was changed three times if you include the initial one. So changed twice actually, but I had three of them. One was really badly done and was a splint but I was told not to remove it. The next was after 3-4 weeks a cast after being checked for surgery. Then after surgery a new cast. And I didnt ask a question? I said it's messed up that people are discouraging me from losing weight and somehow people take this as Im saying they made me gain weight - which I never said.0 -
If you didn't notice 40 lbs, maybe they didn't notice the 40 lbs, either. But for you (because you are who matters in the conversation at hand) will do and feel better to let go of the angry and rock that energy into efforts, both physical and mental. Be the strength you need to succeed and channel the negative out and the positive in by reading everything you can on the success of others. Be the light that someone else will need to get to the point where you are now - with a firm grasp of reality and the stamina to grab it up and **do** something about it.2
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zachbonner_ wrote: »Your health is your own responsibility, no one else's. Most people are offended when someone points out they are fat, why would they assume you would react any differently?
Again missed the point. I quit lol The point is IF they won't even point that out why are they having the audacity to complain about me *losing* weight and getting healthy? Why would you want someone to remain overweight?0 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I haven't read all of the responses so maybe someone else has said this but I think people normally don't say anything for two reasons:
1. Most people are very sensitive about their weight and it's considered very rude to say to someone that they've gained a lot of weight.
2. Most people know that no matter what you say, just because you tell someone that they're overweight doesn't mean that they'll do anything about it. You are your own motivator. So many people post on here about how their spouse is overweight yet no matter what they say to them, they do nothing to change that. So I think most people just think, "what's the point of saying anything at all?"
I'm less upset they didn't say anything about me gaining and more upset they complain about me losing weight But yes I understand that part. I just feel if you're going to put in comments about someone's weight at all it should at least be positive/productive. 0 -
raleighgirl09 wrote: »If you didn't notice 40 lbs, maybe they didn't notice the 40 lbs, either. But for you (because you are who matters in the conversation at hand) will do and feel better to let go of the angry and rock that energy into efforts, both physical and mental. Be the strength you need to succeed and channel the negative out and the positive in by reading everything you can on the success of others. Be the light that someone else will need to get to the point where you are now - with a firm grasp of reality and the stamina to grab it up and **do** something about it.
I am. But again this is a forum for support and I needed to vent lol this is less about what they didn't say then and more about what they do say now. It's like if you are going to speak up about someone's health or weight, make it something useful instead of discouraging positive progress. But thank you I get where you're coming from.0 -
Verity1111 wrote: »zachbonner_ wrote: »Your health is your own responsibility, no one else's. Most people are offended when someone points out they are fat, why would they assume you would react any differently?
Again missed the point. I quit lol The point is IF they won't even point that out why are they having the audacity to complain about me *losing* weight and getting healthy? Why would you want someone to remain overweight?
What, exactly, are they saying when they complain? Specific examples.0 -
Verity1111 wrote: »zachbonner_ wrote: »Your health is your own responsibility, no one else's. Most people are offended when someone points out they are fat, why would they assume you would react any differently?
Again missed the point. I quit lol The point is IF they won't even point that out why are they having the audacity to complain about me *losing* weight and getting healthy? Why would you want someone to remain overweight?
What, exactly, are they saying when they complain? Specific examples.
"Why are you even trying to lose weight? You're fine." I explain I'm at an unhealthy weight and I get scoffed at and eye rolls. Or I say "I can't eat that/order food because it won't fit in my calories today." they start complaining about I can *never* do that with them and go on about basically how it's unnecessary, etc. If they ask my goal weight it seems to be just for the purpose of telling me not to try to get there because they instantly say that's too small. You can't do it - you're too old to get to that size (I'm only 27 btw and apparently I'm too old to get under 135 because I was there as a teenager? Strange logic.). Even if I mention BMI shows I would still be overweight at a certain weight they seem to have some sort of personal need to convince me that I shouldn't go below A. or B. (certain weight) and it gets very frustrating even once I give up and try to tune it out because it's been more than one person. My goal is only 127 and I'm 5'4" which I find reasonable. I definitely have places it could come from. I'm told weights like 165 fo example and they try to insist that. I will say a couple of them though seem to do it to make themselves feel better, but it's still irritating... if they want to be delusional that's fine. Like someone told me she is not physically capable of being below 185lbs (it's not difficult, it's literally impossible) and another is 5'2" and keeps insisting to me her healthiest weight is 175lbs (which I think is considered obese?) and tells me her doctor told her it's perfect for her large bone structure (??). So I think in those two specific cases it might be to make themselves feel better...but in general I get this kind of stuff a lot and it's not just a passing comment, they will sit there and argue with me unless I just leave the room and it gets brought up more than once (by them). Also, one person is insistent cardio doesnt burn calories, only strength training does, so I guess I'm not dealing with people who like facts anyway...but again still annoying and I just needed to vent.0 -
Somehow your threads always become trainwrecks..
If you don't like the company you are with because they comment on your weight loss, then either tell them you are getting by fine or change the people you surround yourself with.
However, it seems less taboo to mention weight loss rather than gain in our society. Complaining about it won't change that.11 -
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zachbonner_ wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »Verity1111 wrote: »zachbonner_ wrote: »Your health is your own responsibility, no one else's. Most people are offended when someone points out they are fat, why would they assume you would react any differently?
Again missed the point. I quit lol The point is IF they won't even point that out why are they having the audacity to complain about me *losing* weight and getting healthy? Why would you want someone to remain overweight?
What, exactly, are they saying when they complain? Specific examples.
"Why are you even trying to lose weight? You're fine." I explain I'm at an unhealthy weight and I get scoffed at and eye rolls. Or I say "I can't eat that/order food because it won't fit in my calories today." they start complaining about I can *never* do that with them and go on about basically how it's unnecessary, etc. If they ask my goal weight it seems to be just for the purpose of telling me not to try to get there because they instantly say that's too small. You can't do it - you're too old to get to that size (I'm only 27 btw and apparently I'm too old to get under 135 because I was there as a teenager? Strange logic.). Even if I mention BMI shows I would still be overweight at a certain weight they seem to have some sort of personal need to convince me that I shouldn't go below A. or B. (certain weight) and it gets very frustrating even once I give up and try to tune it out because it's been more than one person. My goal is only 127 and I'm 5'4" which I find reasonable. I definitely have places it could come from. I'm told weights like 165 fo example and they try to insist that. I will say a couple of them though seem to do it to make themselves feel better, but it's still irritating... if they want to be delusional that's fine. Like someone told me she is not physically capable of being below 185lbs (it's not difficult, it's literally impossible) and another is 5'2" and keeps insisting to me her healthiest weight is 175lbs (which I think is considered obese?) and tells me her doctor told her it's perfect for her large bone structure (??). So I think in those two specific cases it might be to make themselves feel better...but in general I get this kind of stuff a lot and it's not just a passing comment, they will sit there and argue with me unless I just leave the room and it gets brought up more than once (by them). Also, one person is insistent cardio doesnt burn calories, only strength training does, so I guess I'm not dealing with people who like facts anyway...but again still annoying and I just needed to vent.
Get new friends
lol. Guess that seems to be the solution here. This is why I don't go out/invite people over a lot anymore. Lol.0 -
vespiquenn wrote: »Somehow your threads always become trainwrecks..
If you don't like the company you are with because they comment on your weight loss, then either tell them you are getting by fine or change the people you surround yourself with.
However, it seems less taboo to mention weight loss rather than gain in our society. Complaining about it won't change that.
Oh I dont mind them mentioning it! I mind them telling me not to do it or that I cant and to give up, etc. It's cool with me if they mention it or even make a quick suggestion, but I hate when they are super pushy about what I should do with my body and it's not even good advice. 0
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