I'm mad at myself for getting to where I was and I'm mad at other people...

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Replies

  • jessiferrrb
    jessiferrrb Posts: 1,758 Member
    sseqwnp wrote: »
    Y'know what amuses me the most? We've got Verity1111 over in this other thread essentially telling someone trying to lose weight that they don't need to lose weight.

    This is why the boards are fun.

    http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10558888/im-too-self-conscious-to-attend-the-gym

    that's kind of a stretch
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »
    Verity1111 wrote: »
    CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »
    I dont know why anyone would worry if someone notices or not. point is you need to stop worrying about what they think or dont think.sure maybe they are insecure and maybe even jealous that you are losing weight.so they make comments now because of it. maybe they see where you were bigger before and they got so used to it that they now think that you are smaller so you are not as healthy? I have family and friends that tell me I wont lose anymore weight because Im at a healthy weight(im not Im still overweight and not where I feel the healthiest).

    That I should be happy that I lost what I did(44lbs-have another 15-25 to get where I need/want to be). I also have a sister who thinks Im basically starving myself because I dont eat as much as I want when I want like she does (causing her to be overweight). people dont remember what I looked like at a lower weight because I was overweight for so long.so to them anything smaller is out of the norm for them.I dont care what they think. I care what I think and Im going to lose a little bit more for me,not anyone else.

    I got the comments that I was getting fat, I know I was getting fat I didnt need a mirror to tell me I gained almost 70lbs.I saw myself naked.I just didnt want to admit I was getting fat and I wasnt ready to do anything about it at the time.you cant please everyone the only one you can please is yourself.dont let comments or lack thereof get to you. If they say something negative about your weight loss just tell them you are doing it for you to be healthy and leave it at that.

    I do, but this is a forum so I just needed to vent because it's getting tiring hearing the same bs.... and I figure other people deal with it to and it's nice to know I'm not alone in it either. Of course I won't stop just because they don't like it - too bad for them. But it is still frustrating. And good for you on losing 44lbs good luck with the rest. I've seen you around and I'm sure you'll get there. I never got comments on the fat part though, just the you're fine the way you are. I am kind of like are you guys wanting me to die young? Is there a policy I don't know about? lol. I mean, when I lose weight I am not thinking good now I hope you all stay big so I can feel good about myself - I try to drag my unhealthy friends along with me. Not pushy, but I say you're welcome to come with me (to the gym) if you want sometime or you should try MFP if you really are serious about wanting to lose weight - it's very useful. I make small, friendly comments and deep down wish they would better their health. If they ask I will be 100% honest if they gained weight or not and if it's an issue to the point mine was I would make a polite comment honestly because I don't care if someone gets angry with me - I care more about their health.

    It sounds like you are more straightforward then they are. some people were raised that they should not mention someones weight as its considered rude, you will get people who will say something at one weight but not another.as for others, maybe they dont see that they have an issue with their weight either or they refuse to see that they are unhealthy.we can all hope that others will want to better their health,but some people you cant help they have to want it for themselves. my sister is one who says "I dont have time to exercise,or weigh food or I like to eat I cant do what you do.I just tell her well if she gets fed up with it like I did she will make the initiative to do something about it.

    yes,its frustrating but nothing you can do but to let them find their own way,they either will or they wont.you would think almost 5 years later my sister would get the idea,yet she hasnt.I would love to see her get in shape and get healthier and stop whining and crying that she is fat and cant find clothes to fit right.I just tell her if she doesnt want to to try and lose it then dont complain as its not getting you anywhere. I was where she was at one point too.... just try and stop letting things get to you and frustrate you as it will only stress you out and stress is not good when trying to lose weight.all you can do is hope that the others will do the right thing for their health,some people just dont care enough about themselves to even try.

    I understand that. And it can be hard not to get frustated with *that* issue as well... a whole other thing - when people go on and on about how gross they feel, fat, etc, but then say they don't care if they gain weight or don't care about their weight. They won't diet, but they sure will say how insecure they are and how they don't want to be fat. I feel like blurting out "Make up your mind!" because I try to comfort them or make a suggestion and I get I'm not going to diet, that sounds awful. Then why do you always complain at me? :/ There's nothing else I can do besides offer diet/exercise advice or feel horrible that they feel horrible and do nothing. SMH
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    jessiferrrb wrote: »
    sseqwnp wrote: »
    Y'know what amuses me the most? We've got Verity1111 over in this other thread essentially telling someone trying to lose weight that they don't need to lose weight.

    This is why the boards are fun.

    http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10558888/im-too-self-conscious-to-attend-the-gym

    that's kind of a stretch

    Big stretch. No one said he doesn't need to lose weight. And I definitely said pretty much the opposite of do not go to the gym. He is *almost* (note I said ALMOST) a healthy BMI. He is acting like he is 400lbs. The whole point was to let him know he won't be the biggest person there and it was a very short comment. Lol. I didn't even one little bit tell him not to lose weight or not to go! Even if he was a healthy weight, there is no reason not to go to a gym unless you have an injury or severe illness.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    edited May 2017
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    Verity1111 wrote: »
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    Well I had someone put their hands on my belly and ask me when I was due. So at least one person let me know I had gained weight. It was painful and I am not grateful. I'm grateful that most people did not feel the need to let me know I had gained weight.
    I knew I had gained. My clothes didn't fit. I had a scale. I had a mirror. I saw photos of myself. I didn't need anyone to tell me I weighed more than I should.
    I'm not angry at myself or others. That isn't productive to me. I am managing my weight better now and that is the important thing.

    Well I wish someone had because I did not know. My clothes felt the same to me. Im not really the type of person to pay attention and I wore huge shirts so unless I gained 150lbs I wouldnt notice. lol. BUT as I said if they didnt say anything thats OKAY but then why the hell are they commenting NOW when Im trying to be healthier? Like you get fat thats cool but you want to get thin and we are all unhealthy let me tell you why you shouldnt...

    I don't know why your people are commenting as you lose weight. Why are you letting it be an ongoing subject or bother you?

    I have gotten zero comments about losing weight. I don't talk about my weight loss. I know I am doing what is right for me and am losing in a healthy way with a healthy goal.

    They take notice. Most of the people I know are overweight and many are Obese. I'm in Chicago, one of the fattest cities in the world, I believe. So people tend to scoff at some of us when we lose weight and I've as I said kind of found out who my real friends are... some like me around as long as I don't "outshine" them in any way at all. I actually had someone specifically say she wouldn't speak to me anymore because she was jealous (of something else). I don't even understand people and how they can act that way. I get happy when someone else achieves something good. Isn't that instinct? To be happy for someone else? Or sad if they're sad? Empathy, they call it. Few seem to have that anymore.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    try2again wrote: »
    My hubby was about 195 when he decided to lose weight (he's 5'10"). I was used to how he looked, and he has always been very healthy, active, & muscular, so it never crossed my mind to say, "I'm concerned about how much weight you've gained" (over the course of 10 years). He lost about 30 lbs in 3 months. He DID look too skinny all of a sudden, and was telling me he still wanted to lose a few more lbs. I thought he was crazy. Others expressed concern that he was becoming too thin. Now that he's been at this weight for a while, it seems perfectly normal & healthy to me, and others no longer comment either. It was really just the time element.

    As far as people feeling free to comment about the weight loss & not the weight gain, that's just what society deems to be socially acceptable. And my hubby didn't take the least offense at it because he knew people were either concerned or didn't know any better.

    You sound like yours was more concerned. People act like it's just stupid to lose weight more than concerned. I can't express it in typing, but they roll their eyes etc like weight loss *pfft* you're fine you don't need to here's a huge cake lol.... or they seem uncomfortable with other people being thinner than they are(not just me, friends as well). Or seem to feed off the failure of others. It's sad. But also your husbands BMI was 28ish or 29 I think which isnt so bad! So Im sure he didnt look *too* far from normal. Maybe it was normal to people. My BMI was almost 40 which is candidate for weight loss surgery (I just found this out and was shaking my head...). And the people I am around are shallow so I also wonder if they said things behind my back because they DEFINITELY comment on weight of other people when I'm there. Anyway, my BMI: Now it's around 30-31. Still obese, but almost "overweight"! A weird thing to be excited about, I guess, but I can't wait to be overweight. lol. And congrats to your husband for being healthy.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    KelGen02 wrote: »
    I know when I gained weight I had to buy bigger clothes there was no denying that I gained weight. We can say we are in denial but the cold hard truth is we knew we just didn't care enough to do anything about it or didn't really see a problem with it. The fact is, it's not the responsibility of others to tell you that you are gaining weight. Most people who see you on the day to day aren't really going to notice it either way. I lost 50lbs before anyone even noticed I lost weight. Now of course I get all the comments about being skinny, when I still have 40lbs to lose just to not be considered over weight. I just smile and nod when people give me their "expert" advice on how I eat or how much water I drink any every other thing they feel the need to dictate in my life. People never asked me how I gained my weight but are sure curious about how I lost it. My journey has been private because the best kept secrets are the key to success and it is really no one else business but mine. Own it, forget about everyone else and move past the anger. Only person that hurts is you... Good luck! You got this!

    I do know it was my fault but please dont use "we" I did NOT know whatsoever. If Id gained weight I would have guessed 5lbs MAYBE 10 max and I doubted it. Id gained 40. My clothes felt huge as always because as I said I was in like specialty ones because of my injury (they had to be able to go over my cast but not be so big they would fall off so I needed string pull ones or oversized yoga pants). But thank you for the luck :) and I know I do... I just wish people were more *happy* for me than bitter.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    edited May 2017
    Kathryn247 wrote: »
    Sometimes people are threatened by other people's success and strength. Are the people who made the comments insecure or themselves overweight? The most important thing, IMO, is that their comments are really about them and their problems, not about you (yes, even when they're talking about your weight!). You can be strong and healthy in spite of their comments. <3

    Thank you very much for the kindness! Yes, they are mostly overweight people. Maybe they do feel that way (I can't know). But even so... I felt horrid about myself and I still liked to see other people succeed. I find it weird to not want others to succeed just because you are not at the time. But thank you again for the encouragement. :)
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    edited May 2017
    sseqwnp wrote: »
    Y'know what amuses me the most? We've got Verity1111 over in this other thread essentially telling someone trying to lose weight that they don't need to lose weight.

    This is why the boards are fun.

    http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10558888/im-too-self-conscious-to-attend-the-gym

    You are very wrong. I didn't say anything about not losing weight. Where did you see ANYTHING like that? He was acting as though he was 400lbs so I assumed maybe he had body dysmorphia or something and just pointed out he won't be the biggest person there. There are way bigger people at the gym than a guy with a 28BMI.
  • puddlegoober
    puddlegoober Posts: 291 Member
    I completely understand the frustration you expressed in your original post. Ultimately it's our responsibility to take care of ourselves, but it's frustrating to think that others around us likely have moments of "awareness" regarding our struggles that they choose to ignore, for whatever reason.

    It's not their responsibility, but as a person who asks others constantly for help in this regard, it's frustrating. People in my life know that I will never crap on them for giving me constructive critical advice or concern, even if it stings (sometimes a LOT) at the time. Still, I find that the only real way for me to get the kind of feedback that I NEED is to log into this damned site every day (which I have been avoiding like the plague for a couple of months).

    So here I am, back again.

    Feel free to friend me if you want someone who will happily chase you down and help keep you accountable (if you agree to do the same for me).

    Best of luck either way.
  • lemurcat12
    lemurcat12 Posts: 30,886 Member
    Verity1111 wrote: »
    snickerscharlie wrote: »
    1) Maybe they didn't think you were fat?
    2) Maybe they didn't notice anything worth commenting on?
    3) Maybe they felt it was none of their business?
    4) Maybe they don't care?
    5) Maybe you should just do you?

    I am but that doesn't mean I don't find it frustrating being told that it's unhealthy to lose weight (when it obviously is not) but then when I was actually being unhealthy it was encouraged.

    So it seems the real issue is not that people should have told you you were too fat (which most people would find kind of insulting, because they know), but because people are being negative about your weight loss. First, that sucks. I guess one benefit for me of being mostly surrounded by people who are into fitness and normal weight is that I got only positive reactions when losing (I know some overweight people too, but their reaction was either to ignore it or, more commonly, to ask how I did it or just say "good job, I need to get around to losing weight"). Second, I'd see that as more encouragement, really -- not sure why, but people acting like I can't do something or shouldn't tends to egg me on. Especially if you really do think they are trying to undercut you on purpose. (I will admit, perhaps based on different life experiences, that others than close family where relationships can be weird sometimes, I don't really think most people do that. I think more likely people do worry that you are losing in an unhealthy manner -- a co-worker of mine was nervous to say something to me until she confirmed I did not have cancer or something -- or just are surprised by seeing you look a way they are not used to, and maybe have their own perceptions messed up. So I take "oh my goodness, you are so thin! don't get any thinner!" as nothing but something people say. I certainly would not take it as them trying to discourage me, and I'd also ignore it beyond saying "thank you!")
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    nightengale7 wrote: »
    Verity1111 wrote: »
    everher wrote: »
    I think I kind of get where you are coming from, OP.

    I have an aunt who keeps going on about how small I'm getting and how I need to eat. Meanwhile, I still need to lose 20lbs to get to a healthy weight for my height. This is not the smallest I've ever been either.

    When I was putting on weight no one really said anything and I did gain 20 lbs or so without noticing. I didn't own a working scale at that point (my old one was a million years old and had stopped working) and my clothes (mostly dresses) are very forgiving though there were a few pieces that wouldn't fit, but I didn't realize I had gained so much.

    I have given all the important people in my life permission now to tell me if they think I'm putting on weight because I have and will ask people what they think and everyone always said I looked 'fine'. I can be oblivious and sometimes I get lazy about weighing myself.

    Yes, I agree it is my responsibility, but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else.

    This. It isn't about responsibility for the weight. Of course I am the one who gained it! This has nothing to do with that. The point of this post is why are people complaining when we are getting healthier, but they never complain when we're killing ourselves...

    40lbs is not "killing yourself." While that is a good bit of gain, it's probably not going to detrimentally affect your health very much if you were at a decent, healthy weight to start with. I agree with the other posters, if you didn't notice, how could anyone else? People think they are being supportive by saying you don't need to lose weight, generally there aren't any nefarious motivations behind it. Also most people would FREAK OUT if you told them they needed to lose weight, if you truly wouldn't have minded, that puts you in the minority.

    I was not at a healthy weight to start with. I was at an overweight, post-partum weight. But not so much so that my being overweight clinically was noticeable. By the time I hit 40lbs+ I was obese. I'm 5'4" so 40lbs is a pretty big jump. You can go from normal to obese with 40lbs if you look at BMI. Well, I am going to piss of a lot of people FYI because I am almost always 100% honest. I hate lying and I hate hiding things...I'm very blunt but I try to remain tactful if it's something sensitive like weight. I still feel it is my place to need to say something if I truly care. I'd rather say it than regret it if they end up with detrimental health issues. Hopefully that makes sense. I don't blame other people who don't speak up but all I am saying is IF you dont tell me Im unhealthy, then please also dont tell me not to become healthy... it is one thing to not care if someone is overweight, it is another to discourage them from improving their lifestyle/health.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    puddlegoober wrote: »
    I completely understand the frustration you expressed in your original post. Ultimately it's our responsibility to take care of ourselves, but it's frustrating to think that others around us likely have moments of "awareness" regarding our struggles that they choose to ignore, for whatever reason.

    It's not their responsibility, but as a person who asks others constantly for help in this regard, it's frustrating. People in my life know that I will never crap on them for giving me constructive critical advice or concern, even if it stings (sometimes a LOT) at the time. Still, I find that the only real way for me to get the kind of feedback that I NEED is to log into this damned site every day (which I have been avoiding like the plague for a couple of months).

    So here I am, back again.

    Feel free to friend me if you want someone who will happily chase you down and help keep you accountable (if you agree to do the same for me).

    Best of luck either way.

    I'm always down for a good chase lol
  • work_on_it
    work_on_it Posts: 251 Member
    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    It would be nice but it's not their job.

    You. Are. Not. Fat.

    So shut it. You have a goal you're working too. So be beautiful while you get there.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,646 Member
    work_on_it wrote: »
    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    It would be nice but it's not their job.

    You. Are. Not. Fat.

    So shut it. You have a goal you're working too. So be beautiful while you get there.

    But I am and it's ok. Also this thread isn't about me.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    edited May 2017
    TeinyWinehouse wrote: »
    AH. How do you NOT notice you've gained 100lbs?!

    Lol again that was exaggerated. I gained 40. No mirror. Clothes were xxl and xl and loose so I didn't notice. If fitted I wore s/m. Also pants were drawstring due to injury as u said they needed to pass a cast. I was in a wheelchair for five months so I also didn't get out or walk so I just didn't notice any differences in my body while sitting on my butt most of the time.
  • Butts_Boys_and_Burgers_ohmy
    Butts_Boys_and_Burgers_ohmy Posts: 83 Member
    edited May 2017
    [/quote] I was seeing someone for my ankle injury not being weighed though so for 4 months I didnt know...it was all huge shirts (xl/xxl t shirts when I was as far as I knew a M) and baggy string pull pants because my cast was huge. lol. But you are right. I wish my dr had even weighed me when I went to be seen for my ankle and said there were ways to help manage my weight - maybe 20lbs in? Even if I couldnt feel a difference in my clothes Im sure if I had a mirror I may have noticed (I dont have a mirror except chest up).[/quote]

    How did you not know what size clothing you were wearing?

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