I'm mad at myself for getting to where I was and I'm mad at other people...

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  • A_Rene86
    A_Rene86 Posts: 141 Member
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    You might have worded this poorly (in terms of what you were trying to express), but I think I get your point. The more I lose, the more obnoxious the comments. "I wouldn't lose any more", "You're already so skinny", "Don't become anorexic" (I'm a perfectly normal weight, mind you) it seems unending some days. I often find myself annoyed by the fact that others believe my weight loss gives them license to comment on my body and my eating habits whenever they're so inclined, when they would never have done so while I was gaining and/or overweight. If this is what you're referring to, I share your frustration, but personally I would have been equally displeased if they had commented in the reverse situation.

    While I do believe some have good intentions, I also suspect it's a case of misery loves company for many who make such remarks. Which is why I do my best to ignore it. I'd encourage you to do the same.
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,576 Member
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    Verity1111 wrote: »
    Need2Exerc1se wrote: »
    sullus wrote: »
    Verity1111 wrote: »
    for not pointing out when I was gaining a lot of weight. It wouldn't matter if it weren't for the fact that people won't hesitate to tell you that you're getting thin (even if you're healthy) or comment that you're not eating enough, but you can gorge or gain almost 100lbs and no one will tell you. I can not believe that not only did I not notice I'd gained any weight, but no one cared enough to say, hey, your health is deteriorating, but I guarantee they have no issue telling me I don't need to lose weight (even if I'm not at a healthy weight). Maybe it's just me, but I point out and say good job when someone loses a lot of weight (in a polite way) and I also will be honest with people I know well and find a way to tell them they've gained weight if they ask or comment on it or that I've lost and if they ever want to join me at the gym etc I do something to show I am interested in their well-being and I wish people had done that for me.

    Have you ever tried telling someone they are getting fat? It doesn't go well. You would have written some BS post about THAT if it had happened

    I told my daughter I thought she was gaining too much weight with her last pregnancy. She didn't get upset.

    Because I assume she understood you care about her health. When my Dr said it I found the way she said it rude but I was glad she said it! The difference is at that time I was having my weight taken every week so I knew I was gaining lol BUT I was 19-20 and didnt know what was healthy or even what a calorie was.

    Yeah, I didn't say "Geez, you are really getting fat with this one," I simply said "It seems like you are putting on a lot of weight this time. Has your doctor mentioned it?"

    IMO your doctor should have mentioned it.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    edited May 2017
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    usmcmp wrote: »
    Need2Exerc1se wrote: »
    usmcmp wrote: »
    If someone stopped you and said, "Wow, you've gotten really fat. You need to stop eating crap and start exercising." would that have helped or would you have gotten mad? We've tried giving you help on here and you just get mad at us, so I'm guessing them telling you that you are fat would have gone over about as well as most of your other posts looking for help.

    It could be said in a nice way. "I've noticed you've been gaining weight lately, is everything okay?"

    Some people would respond in a positive way to something like that. The OP has a history of getting upset over actual helpful information that isn't negative or could be interpreted as an attack on her, so I don't think anyone telling her she's gained weight would go over well.

    You don't know me whatsoever. And what you consider helpful information is often BS because the only time I ever get upset is when things have nothing to do with my original question. For example, right now when people are saying I was the reason I gained weight - obviously. No one said anyone else made me gain. What I said was that people will comment and complain when you're getting healthy, but don't comment when you're getting unhealthy - which is ridiculous. And I respond positively when someone kindly says I've gained weight. I'd much rather know.
  • BoxerBrawler
    BoxerBrawler Posts: 2,032 Member
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    You know who noticed I was getting fat and who pointed it out? Me! But yeah... once I was losing a lot of weight people were quick to notice and at first they were saying things like "nice job", "keep it up". And after a while that turned into things like "you're getting too thin", "you're withering away to nothing". People who are not on the journey, especially those who are not in the fitness world will never understand the process. Your reaction to their actions (words), will lead you to failure. Remember... it's not about what people say or don't say, it's about how we react to their words or their silence. The bottom line is you have to live it you, you have to sleep with you at night, you can only answer to you. Ignore the haters and the naysayers, there will be many. This is your journey and your battle and only you can do it for yourself. At the end of the day, the opinions of others will have no real consequence in your life.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
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    cushman5279 wrote: »
    You know who noticed I was getting fat and who pointed it out? Me! But yeah... once I was losing a lot of weight people were quick to notice and at first they were saying things like "nice job", "keep it up". And after a while that turned into things like "you're getting too thin", "you're withering away to nothing". People who are not on the journey, especially those who are not in the fitness world will never understand the process. Your reaction to their actions (words), will lead you to failure. Remember... it's not about what people say or don't say, it's about how we react to their words or their silence. The bottom line is you have to live it you, you have to sleep with you at night, you can only answer to you. Ignore the haters and the naysayers, there will be many. This is your journey and your battle and only you can do it for yourself. At the end of the day, the opinions of others will have no real consequence in your life.

    Thank you very much for at least understanding why it's irritating. It's just frustrating because I honestly believe some of them *want* me to stay overweight so they won't feel insecure. I guess you find out who your friends are?
  • deputy_randolph
    deputy_randolph Posts: 940 Member
    edited May 2017
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    Realistically, if someone said, "You look like you've gained close to 100 lbs..."

    How receptive would you be to hear it? In my experience, pointing out someone's weight gain is not useful, b/c...
    a. they already know...and get angry.
    b. they already know...and get defensive.
    c. they already know...and get upset.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    edited May 2017
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    deputy_randolph wrote: »
    Realistically, if someone said, "You look like you've gained close to 100 lbs..."

    How receptive would you be to hear it? In my experience, pointing out someone's weight gain is not useful, b/c...
    a. they already know...and get angry.
    b. they already know...and get defensive.
    c. they already know...and get upset.

    I didn't gain 100lbs. That was an exaggerated example but I have a friend who gain hundredS and no one stepped in until he ended up in the hospital to say hey youre killing yourself... BUT I did gain 40lbs and not notice at all. I was injured and I wore large shirts and large pants with pull ties (to be able to get them over my injured leg). Never went out. Now people seem to have an issue with me aiming for a healthy weight. It bothers me that people seem to like when others are overweight and dislike them to get healthier unless theyre also on a path to wellness.
  • BoxerBrawler
    BoxerBrawler Posts: 2,032 Member
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    Verity1111 wrote: »
    cushman5279 wrote: »
    You know who noticed I was getting fat and who pointed it out? Me! But yeah... once I was losing a lot of weight people were quick to notice and at first they were saying things like "nice job", "keep it up". And after a while that turned into things like "you're getting too thin", "you're withering away to nothing". People who are not on the journey, especially those who are not in the fitness world will never understand the process. Your reaction to their actions (words), will lead you to failure. Remember... it's not about what people say or don't say, it's about how we react to their words or their silence. The bottom line is you have to live it you, you have to sleep with you at night, you can only answer to you. Ignore the haters and the naysayers, there will be many. This is your journey and your battle and only you can do it for yourself. At the end of the day, the opinions of others will have no real consequence in your life.

    Thank you very much for at least understanding why it's irritating. It's just frustrating because I honestly believe some of them *want* me to stay overweight so they won't feel insecure. I guess you find out who your friends are?

    Oh I totally agree... like they say, misery loves company. I have plenty of friends and people in my life who would have had me stay on the fat-drinking-no fitness routine train right along with them. I even had one friend with whom I'd been friends with for over 20 years, call my husband on the down-low to tell him that I had an eating disorder and that I'd probably have organ failure... talk about a *kitten* thing to do! I called her on it and she said it was just out of concern for me because I had lost so much weight. I find that these people are either angry because you're getting what they want but can't have for whatever reason, or they are jealous. Either way it's not right. I learned to just ignore them and I learned that I had to actually remove those toxic people from my life, even ones who I loved... even family. It wasn't easy but in the long run it was healthier. Like the quote reads "Surround yourself with those on the same mission as you". That's exactly what has to happen to be successful on the journey to health and fitness. All of my friends now are gym buddies... folks that I met at various gyms and in various classes. We all have similar goals. I can joke around and say "oh my god I feel like my *kitten* is huge!", and you bet your bottom dollar they'll be honest with me because again, they are involved in and understand the process. As far as getting too skinny... well... so what. If you're fat for most of your life and start to successfully lose weight I say go ahead and get to skinny. Just don't live there for too long. Sometimes you have to tear it all down to build it back up. I was down to a scary anorexic state and I knew it, and I loved it for a little while. Then I decided to get fit, then I decided to build muscle. These days when someone tells me I am too thin I take offense because I work hard to be ripped!!! LOL :smile:

  • Kathryn247
    Kathryn247 Posts: 570 Member
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    Sometimes people are threatened by other people's success and strength. Are the people who made the comments insecure or themselves overweight? The most important thing, IMO, is that their comments are really about them and their problems, not about you (yes, even when they're talking about your weight!). You can be strong and healthy in spite of their comments. <3
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
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    Need2Exerc1se wrote: »
    Verity1111 wrote: »
    Need2Exerc1se wrote: »
    sullus wrote: »
    Verity1111 wrote: »
    for not pointing out when I was gaining a lot of weight. It wouldn't matter if it weren't for the fact that people won't hesitate to tell you that you're getting thin (even if you're healthy) or comment that you're not eating enough, but you can gorge or gain almost 100lbs and no one will tell you. I can not believe that not only did I not notice I'd gained any weight, but no one cared enough to say, hey, your health is deteriorating, but I guarantee they have no issue telling me I don't need to lose weight (even if I'm not at a healthy weight). Maybe it's just me, but I point out and say good job when someone loses a lot of weight (in a polite way) and I also will be honest with people I know well and find a way to tell them they've gained weight if they ask or comment on it or that I've lost and if they ever want to join me at the gym etc I do something to show I am interested in their well-being and I wish people had done that for me.

    Have you ever tried telling someone they are getting fat? It doesn't go well. You would have written some BS post about THAT if it had happened

    I told my daughter I thought she was gaining too much weight with her last pregnancy. She didn't get upset.

    Because I assume she understood you care about her health. When my Dr said it I found the way she said it rude but I was glad she said it! The difference is at that time I was having my weight taken every week so I knew I was gaining lol BUT I was 19-20 and didnt know what was healthy or even what a calorie was.

    Yeah, I didn't say "Geez, you are really getting fat with this one," I simply said "It seems like you are putting on a lot of weight this time. Has your doctor mentioned it?"

    IMO your doctor should have mentioned it.

    I was seeing someone for my ankle injury not being weighed though so for 4 months I didnt know...it was all huge shirts (xl/xxl t shirts when I was as far as I knew a M) and baggy string pull pants because my cast was huge. lol. But you are right. I wish my dr had even weighed me when I went to be seen for my ankle and said there were ways to help manage my weight - maybe 20lbs in? Even if I couldnt feel a difference in my clothes Im sure if I had a mirror I may have noticed (I dont have a mirror except chest up).
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
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    A_Rene86 wrote: »
    You might have worded this poorly (in terms of what you were trying to express), but I think I get your point. The more I lose, the more obnoxious the comments. "I wouldn't lose any more", "You're already so skinny", "Don't become anorexic" (I'm a perfectly normal weight, mind you) it seems unending some days. I often find myself annoyed by the fact that others believe my weight loss gives them license to comment on my body and my eating habits whenever they're so inclined, when they would never have done so while I was gaining and/or overweight. If this is what you're referring to, I share your frustration, but personally I would have been equally displeased if they had commented in the reverse situation.

    While I do believe some have good intentions, I also suspect it's a case of misery loves company for many who make such remarks. Which is why I do my best to ignore it. I'd encourage you to do the same.

    Yes, this is exactly it. What I mean is if you're going to be rudely commenting anyway, it may as well be for a productive reason - such as the person is damaging their health. It is strange to comment negatively when someone is unhealthy and trying to better themselves and try to make excuses as to why their unhealthy size is OKAY. But when they were even larger to never have commented. Its just incredible to me and I swear like I said it seems as if they want everyone around them to maintain an unhealthy weight as long as they are or to not be thinner than them, or something else silly. If they didnt comment at all, in either circumstance I'd be fine with that! But if you never wanted to show support or help when I needed the comments, don't discourage me now that I am trying to be healthier.
  • CharlieBeansmomTracey
    CharlieBeansmomTracey Posts: 7,682 Member
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    I dont know why anyone would worry if someone notices or not. point is you need to stop worrying about what they think or dont think.sure maybe they are insecure and maybe even jealous that you are losing weight.so they make comments now because of it. maybe they see where you were bigger before and they got so used to it that they now think that you are smaller so you are not as healthy? I have family and friends that tell me I wont lose anymore weight because Im at a healthy weight(im not Im still overweight and not where I feel the healthiest).

    That I should be happy that I lost what I did(44lbs-have another 15-25 to get where I need/want to be). I also have a sister who thinks Im basically starving myself because I dont eat as much as I want when I want like she does (causing her to be overweight). people dont remember what I looked like at a lower weight because I was overweight for so long.so to them anything smaller is out of the norm for them.I dont care what they think. I care what I think and Im going to lose a little bit more for me,not anyone else.

    I got the comments that I was getting fat, I know I was getting fat I didnt need a mirror to tell me I gained almost 70lbs.I saw myself naked.I just didnt want to admit I was getting fat and I wasnt ready to do anything about it at the time.you cant please everyone the only one you can please is yourself.dont let comments or lack thereof get to you. If they say something negative about your weight loss just tell them you are doing it for you to be healthy and leave it at that.
  • jessiferrrb
    jessiferrrb Posts: 1,758 Member
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    for me, it was my doctor telling me exactly how much weight i gained that snapped something in me and got me back on track to lose it. i knew i was gaining weight, but it was incremental, 40 pounds over 4 years, so sure things that i wore in 2012 didn't fit in 2016, but they were pretty removed from what i was wearing anyway. i knew there was a difference in how i felt and how i looked but just let things slide and it fell into the overall abyss of my depression.

    i'm super grateful that my doctor told me very clearly, and without judgment, the difference between the last time i had seen him and then. however, if my mom had said it, or a bf, or my bestie, my reaction would have been very different. i can't separate my emotions which are linked to their opinions of me from the implied judgment that i would load into their words. would my mom saying i gained weight actually mean that she thought less of me? absolutely, that's one of the defining characteristics of our relationship. would it mean that my boyfriend wasn't attracted to me if he noticed? maybe? but i'm insecure enough to make that assumption and take on that shame. so i get why people shy away from making these sorts of comments to one another. we have so much loaded into weight and shame that in many ways it's a taboo subject. but it's my doctor's job to say these things to me, so thanks dr. leon!!
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
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    CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »
    I dont know why anyone would worry if someone notices or not. point is you need to stop worrying about what they think or dont think.sure maybe they are insecure and maybe even jealous that you are losing weight.so they make comments now because of it. maybe they see where you were bigger before and they got so used to it that they now think that you are smaller so you are not as healthy? I have family and friends that tell me I wont lose anymore weight because Im at a healthy weight(im not Im still overweight and not where I feel the healthiest).

    That I should be happy that I lost what I did(44lbs-have another 15-25 to get where I need/want to be). I also have a sister who thinks Im basically starving myself because I dont eat as much as I want when I want like she does (causing her to be overweight). people dont remember what I looked like at a lower weight because I was overweight for so long.so to them anything smaller is out of the norm for them.I dont care what they think. I care what I think and Im going to lose a little bit more for me,not anyone else.

    I got the comments that I was getting fat, I know I was getting fat I didnt need a mirror to tell me I gained almost 70lbs.I saw myself naked.I just didnt want to admit I was getting fat and I wasnt ready to do anything about it at the time.you cant please everyone the only one you can please is yourself.dont let comments or lack thereof get to you. If they say something negative about your weight loss just tell them you are doing it for you to be healthy and leave it at that.

    I do, but this is a forum so I just needed to vent because it's getting tiring hearing the same bs.... and I figure other people deal with it to and it's nice to know I'm not alone in it either. Of course I won't stop just because they don't like it - too bad for them. But it is still frustrating. And good for you on losing 44lbs good luck with the rest. I've seen you around and I'm sure you'll get there. I never got comments on the fat part though, just the you're fine the way you are. I am kind of like are you guys wanting me to die young? Is there a policy I don't know about? lol. I mean, when I lose weight I am not thinking good now I hope you all stay big so I can feel good about myself - I try to drag my unhealthy friends along with me. Not pushy, but I say you're welcome to come with me (to the gym) if you want sometime or you should try MFP if you really are serious about wanting to lose weight - it's very useful. I make small, friendly comments and deep down wish they would better their health. If they ask I will be 100% honest if they gained weight or not and if it's an issue to the point mine was I would make a polite comment honestly because I don't care if someone gets angry with me - I care more about their health.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    edited May 2017
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    jessiferrrb wrote: »
    for me, it was my doctor telling me exactly how much weight i gained that snapped something in me and got me back on track to lose it. i knew i was gaining weight, but it was incremental, 40 pounds over 4 years, so sure things that i wore in 2012 didn't fit in 2016, but they were pretty removed from what i was wearing anyway. i knew there was a difference in how i felt and how i looked but just let things slide and it fell into the overall abyss of my depression.

    i'm super grateful that my doctor told me very clearly, and without judgment, the difference between the last time i had seen him and then. however, if my mom had said it, or a bf, or my bestie, my reaction would have been very different. i can't separate my emotions which are linked to their opinions of me from the implied judgment that i would load into their words. would my mom saying i gained weight actually mean that she thought less of me? absolutely, that's one of the defining characteristics of our relationship. would it mean that my boyfriend wasn't attracted to me if he noticed? maybe? but i'm insecure enough to make that assumption and take on that shame. so i get why people shy away from making these sorts of comments to one another. we have so much loaded into weight and shame that in many ways it's a taboo subject. but it's my doctor's job to say these things to me, so thanks dr. leon!!

    Well, I already think people think low of me, so it doesn't make much difference, honestly. lol. But yes you were lucky to have an honest dr who wanted to help and do his job of keeping you healthy!
  • KelGen02
    KelGen02 Posts: 668 Member
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    I know when I gained weight I had to buy bigger clothes there was no denying that I gained weight. We can say we are in denial but the cold hard truth is we knew we just didn't care enough to do anything about it or didn't really see a problem with it. The fact is, it's not the responsibility of others to tell you that you are gaining weight. Most people who see you on the day to day aren't really going to notice it either way. I lost 50lbs before anyone even noticed I lost weight. Now of course I get all the comments about being skinny, when I still have 40lbs to lose just to not be considered over weight. I just smile and nod when people give me their "expert" advice on how I eat or how much water I drink any every other thing they feel the need to dictate in my life. People never asked me how I gained my weight but are sure curious about how I lost it. My journey has been private because the best kept secrets are the key to success and it is really no one else business but mine. Own it, forget about everyone else and move past the anger. Only person that hurts is you... Good luck! You got this!
  • CharlieBeansmomTracey
    CharlieBeansmomTracey Posts: 7,682 Member
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    Verity1111 wrote: »
    CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »
    I dont know why anyone would worry if someone notices or not. point is you need to stop worrying about what they think or dont think.sure maybe they are insecure and maybe even jealous that you are losing weight.so they make comments now because of it. maybe they see where you were bigger before and they got so used to it that they now think that you are smaller so you are not as healthy? I have family and friends that tell me I wont lose anymore weight because Im at a healthy weight(im not Im still overweight and not where I feel the healthiest).

    That I should be happy that I lost what I did(44lbs-have another 15-25 to get where I need/want to be). I also have a sister who thinks Im basically starving myself because I dont eat as much as I want when I want like she does (causing her to be overweight). people dont remember what I looked like at a lower weight because I was overweight for so long.so to them anything smaller is out of the norm for them.I dont care what they think. I care what I think and Im going to lose a little bit more for me,not anyone else.

    I got the comments that I was getting fat, I know I was getting fat I didnt need a mirror to tell me I gained almost 70lbs.I saw myself naked.I just didnt want to admit I was getting fat and I wasnt ready to do anything about it at the time.you cant please everyone the only one you can please is yourself.dont let comments or lack thereof get to you. If they say something negative about your weight loss just tell them you are doing it for you to be healthy and leave it at that.

    I do, but this is a forum so I just needed to vent because it's getting tiring hearing the same bs.... and I figure other people deal with it to and it's nice to know I'm not alone in it either. Of course I won't stop just because they don't like it - too bad for them. But it is still frustrating. And good for you on losing 44lbs good luck with the rest. I've seen you around and I'm sure you'll get there. I never got comments on the fat part though, just the you're fine the way you are. I am kind of like are you guys wanting me to die young? Is there a policy I don't know about? lol. I mean, when I lose weight I am not thinking good now I hope you all stay big so I can feel good about myself - I try to drag my unhealthy friends along with me. Not pushy, but I say you're welcome to come with me (to the gym) if you want sometime or you should try MFP if you really are serious about wanting to lose weight - it's very useful. I make small, friendly comments and deep down wish they would better their health. If they ask I will be 100% honest if they gained weight or not and if it's an issue to the point mine was I would make a polite comment honestly because I don't care if someone gets angry with me - I care more about their health.

    It sounds like you are more straightforward then they are. some people were raised that they should not mention someones weight as its considered rude, you will get people who will say something at one weight but not another.as for others, maybe they dont see that they have an issue with their weight either or they refuse to see that they are unhealthy.we can all hope that others will want to better their health,but some people you cant help they have to want it for themselves. my sister is one who says "I dont have time to exercise,or weigh food or I like to eat I cant do what you do.I just tell her well if she gets fed up with it like I did she will make the initiative to do something about it.

    yes,its frustrating but nothing you can do but to let them find their own way,they either will or they wont.you would think almost 5 years later my sister would get the idea,yet she hasnt.I would love to see her get in shape and get healthier and stop whining and crying that she is fat and cant find clothes to fit right.I just tell her if she doesnt want to to try and lose it then dont complain as its not getting you anywhere. I was where she was at one point too.... just try and stop letting things get to you and frustrate you as it will only stress you out and stress is not good when trying to lose weight.all you can do is hope that the others will do the right thing for their health,some people just dont care enough about themselves to even try.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    Verity1111 wrote: »
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    Well I had someone put their hands on my belly and ask me when I was due. So at least one person let me know I had gained weight. It was painful and I am not grateful. I'm grateful that most people did not feel the need to let me know I had gained weight.
    I knew I had gained. My clothes didn't fit. I had a scale. I had a mirror. I saw photos of myself. I didn't need anyone to tell me I weighed more than I should.
    I'm not angry at myself or others. That isn't productive to me. I am managing my weight better now and that is the important thing.

    Well I wish someone had because I did not know. My clothes felt the same to me. Im not really the type of person to pay attention and I wore huge shirts so unless I gained 150lbs I wouldnt notice. lol. BUT as I said if they didnt say anything thats OKAY but then why the hell are they commenting NOW when Im trying to be healthier? Like you get fat thats cool but you want to get thin and we are all unhealthy let me tell you why you shouldnt...

    I don't know why your people are commenting as you lose weight. Why are you letting it be an ongoing subject or bother you?

    I have gotten zero comments about losing weight. I don't talk about my weight loss. I know I am doing what is right for me and am losing in a healthy way with a healthy goal.
  • try2again
    try2again Posts: 3,562 Member
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    My hubby was about 195 when he decided to lose weight (he's 5'10"). I was used to how he looked, and he has always been very healthy, active, & muscular, so it never crossed my mind to say, "I'm concerned about how much weight you've gained" (over the course of 10 years). He lost about 30 lbs in 3 months. He DID look too skinny all of a sudden, and was telling me he still wanted to lose a few more lbs. I thought he was crazy. Others expressed concern that he was becoming too thin. Now that he's been at this weight for a while, it seems perfectly normal & healthy to me, and others no longer comment either. It was really just the time element.

    As far as people feeling free to comment about the weight loss & not the weight gain, that's just what society deems to be socially acceptable. And my hubby didn't take the least offense at it because he knew people were either concerned or didn't know any better.

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