All of my friends are getting bigger............
Replies
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HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
I'll over another bit of anecdata to the pile - my only significant weight gain came after I met my spouse seven years ago. He's got many excellent qualities, but good food and exercise choices are not among them, and I just fell right in with the eating out and driving places instead of walking or public transit. To make things worse, we met right at the time when he was starting that late twenties transition some men have where they go from effortlessly skinny to obese in the course of a few years without conscious change in diet or exercise.0 -
After you get comfortable in a relationship and settle into a routine.. it can be hard to focus on fitness... Late night snacks after making love.. or cuddling and eating something yummy.. or a night out with some good IPA's.. all take a toll5
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I think the best thing to do is just give advice if asked directly, and even then - keep it simple. "Thanks for asking! I count my calories using My Fitness Pal!"
If they're just complaining about their weight for the sake of complaining - just nod your head and smile. Let them vent, don't jump in with all your helpful weight loss tips no matter how much you want to.
Why they are overweight doesn't matter and you shouldn't let it effect you - it's their business only. It could be simply getting "comfy" in a relationship, or maybe they're battling depression or a binge-eating disorder. Either way - they're your friends, and you should always treat them with kindness and support regardless of their size.
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I see or get this sort of reaction from people all the time. I was at a lunch meeting with a vendor rep and she asked a coworker and I what we each do to stay fit (my coworker had lost a noticeable amount of weight since our last face-to-face meeting, while this individual is significantly overweight). We both replied with similar answers that boiled down to "exercise and reasonable nutrition". Her response was "that sounds like a lot of work, I don't have time for that" as she sipped her diet coke...
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I see or get this sort of reaction from people all the time. I was at a lunch meeting with a vendor rep and she asked a coworker and I what we each do to stay fit (my coworker had lost a noticeable amount of weight since our last face-to-face meeting, while this individual is significantly overweight). We both replied with similar answers that boiled down to "exercise and reasonable nutrition". Her response was "that sounds like a lot of work, I don't have time for that" as she sipped her diet coke...
Well, you could have pointed out that the diet coke is a good start!9 -
That used to be me. I was "pleasantly plump" through my teen years, then once adulthood struck, I imagine it was like seeing a parade balloon being inflated. I could drive myself around to fast food places all I wanted. When mom had me do the grocery shopping, she'd let me get "a little something for myself" and it was always b&j's, chocolate or soda. I was in a bad relationship and ate my feelings. I was in a good relationship and constantly celebrated with food. I was single and didn't care. I worked in an office with a steady flow of shared snacks. My job also had a free cafeteria and I always had to have a "sampling" of many items, even though they were actually full servings and I'd need multiple plates.
I was the "fat one" of the group. Almost always the heaviest whenever we'd go places. They never stopped inviting me out even though I was a homebody and never had the energy for "fun."
Now it's the other way around. I weigh less than I did as a teenager and everyone else around me is growing. And I can see the whys and hows because I've been there. They always loved me when I was fatter than f-word. If they'd like pointers etc. I'd like to help, but generally, they don't. And I don't offer. They get the same respect and consideration as I always got. The end.46 -
I hate it when women make excuses for their weight gain, such as kids, or older age. I am 40 with 3 kids and I'm in the best shape I've ever been! It just takes effort.29
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I hate it when women make excuses for their weight gain, such as kids, or older age. I am 40 with 3 kids and I'm in the best shape I've ever been! It just takes effort.
Congrats on being in the best shape of your life with 3 kids in tow, but hate is a bit of a strong word, not everyone has the same circumstances, so whilst it may have just taken a bit of effort for you, it might take a lot more for others. Ask yourself why it bothers you so much? What difference does it possibly make to you, if someone else hasn't got to that point where they feel they need to lose weight/get fitter.38 -
Hate?I hate it when women make excuses for their weight gain, such as kids, or older age. I am 40 with 3 kids and I'm in the best shape I've ever been! It just takes effort.
So, how do you feel about people who talk in the theatre, drivers who drive without insurance, and serial killers?
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RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »That's their business.
Yeah, because friendship is silently witnessing the people you care about decline into an unhealthy state and pretending it isn't happening...17 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »That's their business.
Yeah, because friendship is silently witnessing the people you care about decline into an unhealthy state and pretending it isn't happening...
Well, it depends. Is the friend in question approaching morbidly obese, developing diabetes or other health concerns? Then yes - as a concerned friend, you may be justified in speaking up and telling them you're worried about them. Have they gained 50lbs and are in the overweight category but otherwise still quite healthy and enjoying life? I don't think it's anyone else's business but theirs and their SO's.
I don't harass my smoker friends to stop smoking. It's their body and their choice. And if they ever decide to quit, I will be supportive.16 -
tinkerbellang83 wrote: »I hate it when women make excuses for their weight gain, such as kids, or older age. I am 40 with 3 kids and I'm in the best shape I've ever been! It just takes effort.
Congrats on being in the best shape of your life with 3 kids in tow, but hate is a bit of a strong word, not everyone has the same circumstances, so whilst it may have just taken a bit of effort for you, it might take a lot more for others. Ask yourself why it bothers you so much? What difference does it possibly make to you, if someone else hasn't got to that point where they feel they need to lose weight/get fitter.
I don't know I think she's entitled to her opinion, she said "I hate it when" not saying she hates that person, just their excuse for not losing weight. I hate it when my hair blows onto my chapstick and sticks there....oh I really hate it lol
Hate is just a describing word and I don't think it's too strong especially when you are talking about actions not actually hating that person. I say I hate things all the time, it's such a general term for annoyance now. As far as allowing for the fact that others lives aren't the same as hers I def agree with you there and that is worth thinking about before judging that they are just making excuses. 15 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »That's their business.
Yeah, because friendship is silently witnessing the people you care about decline into an unhealthy state and pretending it isn't happening...
Well, it depends. Is the friend in question approaching morbidly obese, developing diabetes or other health concerns? Then yes - as a concerned friend, you may be justified in speaking up and telling them you're worried about them. Have they gained 50lbs and are in the overweight category but otherwise still quite healthy and enjoying life? I don't think it's anyone else's business but theirs and their SO's.
I don't harass my smoker friends to stop smoking. It's their body and their choice. And if they ever decide to quit, I will be supportive.
Maybe we are not clearly distinguishing between friends/family and acquaintances. A person who is really my friend will call me out for smoking, drinking too much, gaining weight, etc. An acquaintance will politely smile and not say a word while I circle the drain.14 -
If someone I am friends with gains weight, I tend to assume they know it (I certainly did) and know it's not ideal if they gain enough that it's a health issue. I am not sure what would be gained by talking to them about it, and it wouldn't have been helpful for me when I was overweight.
I also wouldn't have been thrilled to find someone talking about my weight gain on the internet, but that's the risks of the internet, so I'm not judging OP here.
My sister smokes and knows that I am supportive when she's tried to stop and knows very well that I think she should stop, but we don't talk about it (and if she wants to she knows she can open the topic) -- again, not sure what me going on about it to her would accomplish.12 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »That's their business.
Yeah, because friendship is silently witnessing the people you care about decline into an unhealthy state and pretending it isn't happening...
Well, it depends. Is the friend in question approaching morbidly obese, developing diabetes or other health concerns? Then yes - as a concerned friend, you may be justified in speaking up and telling them you're worried about them. Have they gained 50lbs and are in the overweight category but otherwise still quite healthy and enjoying life? I don't think it's anyone else's business but theirs and their SO's.
I don't harass my smoker friends to stop smoking. It's their body and their choice. And if they ever decide to quit, I will be supportive.
Maybe we are not clearly distinguishing between friends/family and acquaintances. A person who is really my friend will call me out for smoking, drinking too much, gaining weight, etc. An acquaintance will politely smile and not say a word while I circle the drain.
A person who is really my friend can bring it up once, but after that, it's going to start hurting the friendship. My dad went way too far over that line and I didn't speak to him for months. Those are some difficult habits to break, and I've never found that ongoing "call outs" help.17 -
HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This might be slightly off topic, but is it always the case that men and women can't have the same serving size? My husband and are with an inch of each other for height (5' 9"/5' 10") and although he's is slightly broader than I in the shoulders, it's not much. I can wear his shirts around the house and the shoulder of them is only slightly below my natural shoulder. So I guess I'm asking if a man and woman happened to be the same height/build, would the woman still need less just because of being a woman? Or is just that men are usually larger than women?1 -
Most of my friends are overweight. Most are also married with kids and stressful sedentary jobs etc. Most also try to eat nutritious food and get some exercise when they can fit it in, but they also just have other priorities, especially as we get further into our 30s and 40s as a group.
I'm not overweight, and neither is my husband, and yes, my friends do ask sometimes how we stay in shape. I'm pretty blunt and just say "Well, [husband] wants to live forever and I'm kinda vain, so the main thing is I do have to count calories and [husband] just skips meals because he's busy at work and so he doesn't actually eat as much as you think. Plus we both get a lot of exercise in general and you know running is my biggest hobby right now, which helps too." Then I change the subject.
It's not my business what other people's priorities are. I am happy to tell them exactly what I'm doing if they really want to know, but I can't do it for other people even though I love them. If one of my close friends was doing something really destructive (quickly becoming morbidly obese, disordered eating, developing diabetes or having other physical issues), then I do think I would express my concern, same as I would if they were drinking too much or burning out at work or treating people badly. But I am not out to evangelize about my lord and savior CICO to people I love who are just trying to balance their lives and health as best they can.11 -
I am 31, 5'1, CW 115, GW 112 (keeps bouncing back up bc I am not maintaining properly). I have been married a year and most of my friends are married, with or without kids, or in a long term committed relationship. EVERYONE is getting HUGE. Seeing friends from college or somewhere after a year or so, and they have gained 50 pounds. What is going on? Do they not care? Also, I would never FORCE diet advice on them, but if they ask or it come up, I say "MFP" and they say im pyscho etc and have no interest blah blah, takes too long, excuse. WHAT GIVES???
Yes they do not care.
Unfortunately it's the new 'Merica.12 -
HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This might be slightly off topic, but is it always the case that men and women can't have the same serving size? My husband and are with an inch of each other for height (5' 9"/5' 10") and although he's is slightly broader than I in the shoulders, it's not much. I can wear his shirts around the house and the shoulder of them is only slightly below my natural shoulder. So I guess I'm asking if a man and woman happened to be the same height/build, would the woman still need less just because of being a woman? Or is just that men are usually larger than women?
Hmmm.
I put numbers into a BMR calculator, 5'6", 200 lbs, 30 yrs old.
Female returned 1695
Male returned 1945
So, at least according to the calculators, the answer is yes.
Used http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/6 -
Tacklewasher wrote: »HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This might be slightly off topic, but is it always the case that men and women can't have the same serving size? My husband and are with an inch of each other for height (5' 9"/5' 10") and although he's is slightly broader than I in the shoulders, it's not much. I can wear his shirts around the house and the shoulder of them is only slightly below my natural shoulder. So I guess I'm asking if a man and woman happened to be the same height/build, would the woman still need less just because of being a woman? Or is just that men are usually larger than women?
Hmmm.
I put numbers into a BMR calculator, 5'6", 200 lbs, 30 yrs old.
Female returned 1695
Male returned 1945
So, at least according to the calculators, the answer is yes.
Used http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/
That's interesting. Maybe it assumes a male has more muscle mass? That still wouldn't make up that whole difference, though.1 -
HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This might be slightly off topic, but is it always the case that men and women can't have the same serving size? My husband and are with an inch of each other for height (5' 9"/5' 10") and although he's is slightly broader than I in the shoulders, it's not much. I can wear his shirts around the house and the shoulder of them is only slightly below my natural shoulder. So I guess I'm asking if a man and woman happened to be the same height/build, would the woman still need less just because of being a woman? Or is just that men are usually larger than women?
The internet says it's because the average man has more muscle mass so their resting burn is 20% higher on average. Presumably if you could control for that, there wouldn't be a difference.
Edited for reading comprehension.3 -
HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This might be slightly off topic, but is it always the case that men and women can't have the same serving size? My husband and are with an inch of each other for height (5' 9"/5' 10") and although he's is slightly broader than I in the shoulders, it's not much. I can wear his shirts around the house and the shoulder of them is only slightly below my natural shoulder. So I guess I'm asking if a man and woman happened to be the same height/build, would the woman still need less just because of being a woman? Or is just that men are usually larger than women?
I went to tdeecalculator.net and entered the same stats for a male and female of 35yo, 5'9". 160lbs, sedentary. The estimated TDEE for a man is 139 calories higher than a woman with the exact same stats. Men typically have a different ratio of fat:muscle than women do based on different levels of testosterone during development (at least as far as I understand). It's common for men to have generally lower bf% than women at comparable levels of fitness.
There's probably a lot more to the physiology than that, though.
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I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.22
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lemurcat12 wrote: »If someone I am friends with gains weight, I tend to assume they know it (I certainly did) and know it's not ideal if they gain enough that it's a health issue. I am not sure what would be gained by talking to them about it, and it wouldn't have been helpful for me when I was overweight.
I also wouldn't have been thrilled to find someone talking about my weight gain on the internet, but that's the risks of the internet, so I'm not judging OP here.
My sister smokes and knows that I am supportive when she's tried to stop and knows very well that I think she should stop, but we don't talk about it (and if she wants to she knows she can open the topic) -- again, not sure what me going on about it to her would accomplish.
THIS ^ ^ ^
Someone who has gained weight knows it. They don't need friends and acquaintances bringing it up. In many cases, it will make the situation worse because it will remind them of the weight that they gained and contribute to feeling even worse about themselves. If they bring it up in conversation, by all means tell them what has been successful for you, but otherwise it is none of your business.
On the other hand, if you notice that they are losing, definitely compliment them.6 -
Not my circus, not my monkeys. If my friend asks me about it, I'll be honest, but otherwise? I agree with the posters saying that a person who's gaining weight already knows it. They don't need me to comment on them and make them feel worse about themselves. They'll deal with it in their own time when they're ready.23
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Bry_Lander wrote: »RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »That's their business.
Yeah, because friendship is silently witnessing the people you care about decline into an unhealthy state and pretending it isn't happening...
What from the opening post makes you think the OP cares about the people she is describing?
These are people she hasn't seen in months that she is saying have gotten "HUGE", and thinks they "Don't care"
This isn't her sitting down with a loved one and saying "Honey, I'm getting concerned for your health"
She was just creating a bragging post that she has lost weight since getting married whilst others gain weight. Not a nice character trait imho.54 -
quiksylver296 wrote: »Tacklewasher wrote: »HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This might be slightly off topic, but is it always the case that men and women can't have the same serving size? My husband and are with an inch of each other for height (5' 9"/5' 10") and although he's is slightly broader than I in the shoulders, it's not much. I can wear his shirts around the house and the shoulder of them is only slightly below my natural shoulder. So I guess I'm asking if a man and woman happened to be the same height/build, would the woman still need less just because of being a woman? Or is just that men are usually larger than women?
Hmmm.
I put numbers into a BMR calculator, 5'6", 200 lbs, 30 yrs old.
Female returned 1695
Male returned 1945
So, at least according to the calculators, the answer is yes.
Used http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/
That's interesting. Maybe it assumes a male has more muscle mass? That still wouldn't make up that whole difference, though.
That should be why.
The calculator based on BF% (Katch-McArdle) just asks weight and fat percentage, since the other questions about sex and age are mostly proxies for BF%, I think.1 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
Gaining weight after marriage is not always because someone "let themselves go".9 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
Or what? Grounds for divorce?
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I make everyone's business my business.3
This discussion has been closed.
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