All of my friends are getting bigger............
Replies
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Packerjohn wrote: »It's not your business. Worry about yourself.
People do tend to put on weight when they get into a serious relationship. Comfort levels, y'know? You don't need to put forth as much effort to attract people, so you fall into the comfort trap. Doesn't matter, though. It's their business, and their life, and if anyone decides they need to lose weight, it has to be them.
So it makes sense to be in shape to find a fling on a Friday night but not to be in shape for your soulmate?
Who said "soulmate"? We're talking about marriage here.
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HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This isn't totally true. I've been dating the same guy for a year and lost 15 lbs. We got each other Fitbits for Valentine's. In retrospect, it's the complete opposite of the stereotypical V-day gifts. lol Keep in mind, my boyfriend is obese while I'm considered a "normal" weight.
Anyway, this statement isn't completely true but I can see where comfort factors in. If it wasn't for my boyfriend's mom, I wouldn't have the determination I have now. We're both super health conscious while he's the complete opposite.
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Yet your opening post says you only see them year to year?Thank you all for the most entertaining/most ridiculous assumptions on MFP I've ever encountered.
I was not intending to be being judgy or "humble brag" at all.
It was a question... when people I know are complaining about their weight 24/7 but roll their eyes when I tell them what I do along the lines of counting calories and exercising (BECAUSE THEY ASK), it is annoying. Sorry but it is.
also, to the few #trolls who have stalked my previous discussions posted to MFP, if you must know, I was married over a year ago and had the ceremony in March of this year. Yes, I gained a few pounds in the last year but recognized and took care of it before it became a problem.
There. Now the OP has commented... KEEP AT IT PEOPLE!
Still thankful we aren't real life friends
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I don't know so much about the calming down bit, but she is beautiful (I assume you mean piece of art work). Inside and out. She's been a rock of a support person on these forums and very knowledgeable and supportive.31 -
You don't genuinely seem interested in helping your friends, and given the way you phrased your post about them, it's not surprising they might roll their eyes or discount your advice, even if you did phrase it in a helpful way.
Best of luck with the marriage and your friendships...
@WinoGelato you are a piece of work. you need to calm down.
[/quote]
That lovely personality shining through again
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Packerjohn wrote: »It's not your business. Worry about yourself.
People do tend to put on weight when they get into a serious relationship. Comfort levels, y'know? You don't need to put forth as much effort to attract people, so you fall into the comfort trap. Doesn't matter, though. It's their business, and their life, and if anyone decides they need to lose weight, it has to be them.
So it makes sense to be in shape to find a fling on a Friday night but not to be in shape for your soulmate?
It makes sense to be in the physical condition most conducive to one's own happiness, whether that is to attract a mate or to facilitate a comfort-driven relationship, and anything in between.
Couples tend to gain weight together doing the things they enjoy as a couple. As with any relationship, if that variable changes & they begin engaging in significantly different lifestyles, then that's something for them to discuss, obviously.
But this idea that one should be in a particular shape for someone else is just plain horseshit.10 -
PinkPupper wrote: »HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This isn't totally true. I've been dating the same guy for a year and lost 15 lbs. We got each other Fitbits for Valentine's. In retrospect, it's the complete opposite of the stereotypical V-day gifts. lol Keep in mind, my boyfriend is obese while I'm considered a "normal" weight.
Anyway, this statement isn't completely true but I can see where comfort factors in. If it wasn't for my boyfriend's mom, I wouldn't have the determination I have now. We're both super health conscious while he's the complete opposite.
Just because it isn't true for you personally doesn't mean it isn't true on a statistical level (which is how it was put forward). There can be many individual exceptions to what may be happening within a given population.5 -
nutmegoreo wrote: »
I don't know so much about the calming down bit, but she is beautiful (I assume you mean piece of art work). Inside and out. She's been a rock of a support person on these forums and very knowledgeable and supportive.
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Packerjohn wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Job change, moving, ill/death of parent/child/spouse, loss of income, natural disaster, ...
If significant stressful life events cause you to respond with the long term abuse of some substance (food, alcohol, drugs, etc.), then you have a psychological medical condition that you need professional help with.
So now gaining weight = substance abuse = psychological condition requiring medical help?
Wow.
But isn't it at some point? If someone is eating to soothe some psychological condition and said eating results in a 50 or 100+ pound weight gain (impacting their health), doesn't one need to treat the psychological condition or their will be virtually no hope in treating the medical condition (obesity)?
Do you believe that anyone who is overweight is eating to soothe a psychological condition?
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@WinoGelato you left out the part about the lasagna. My fave part of the thread. Cheers!1
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HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This might be slightly off topic, but is it always the case that men and women can't have the same serving size? My husband and are with an inch of each other for height (5' 9"/5' 10") and although he's is slightly broader than I in the shoulders, it's not much. I can wear his shirts around the house and the shoulder of them is only slightly below my natural shoulder. So I guess I'm asking if a man and woman happened to be the same height/build, would the woman still need less just because of being a woman? Or is just that men are usually larger than women?
Men typically have more muscle than women, even at comparable sizes, and greater muscle mass means more calories being burned. I'm not sure how significant the amounts are (or not).0 -
WinoGelato wrote: »Packerjohn wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Job change, moving, ill/death of parent/child/spouse, loss of income, natural disaster, ...
If significant stressful life events cause you to respond with the long term abuse of some substance (food, alcohol, drugs, etc.), then you have a psychological medical condition that you need professional help with.
So now gaining weight = substance abuse = psychological condition requiring medical help?
Wow.
But isn't it at some point? If someone is eating to soothe some psychological condition and said eating results in a 50 or 100+ pound weight gain (impacting their health), doesn't one need to treat the psychological condition or their will be virtually no hope in treating the medical condition (obesity)?
Do you believe that anyone who is overweight is eating to soothe a psychological condition?
Of course not everyone. Most likely a fair portion though.
This study suggests over 80% of overweight/obese Australians are eating emotionally.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-02-18/emotional-eating-fuelling-australias-obesity-epidemic/71752042 -
I'm 99% sure that they know. It's just their personal choice to do anything about it or not. I noticed this is a trend in college, not because of a lack of caring, but because of a change in situation. A lot of high school athletes no longer have time to do their sport in college, reducing their activity level. A lot of people take tons of classes are barely have time to do anything but study/class, resulting in a sedentary activity level. Drinking is also a factor I've noticed. A few of my friends binge drink, almost seemingly forgetting that alcohol does have calories. (Aka a big factor of the 'freshman 15'). It's not that they don't care, (well, maybe to some) but a lot of it is because it's new and they're figuring things out. Some people just catch it sooner than others, and some may even be okay with a few extra pounds. But bottom line, no one deserves to have it pointed out because they put on their pants every day. And by that, I mean they notice the change in fit, shape, etc. The decisions from that point are all theirs; because the answers are out there and they can find them in a second.
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That emotions play a role in eating decisions (which is the same for virtually all other kinds of decisions too) does not mean that one becomes overweight only (or even primarily) as a result of a psychological disorder.
However, if it actually were typically a psychological disorder, that's different from "just letting themselves go." As the link, lame as it is, actually says, since it's an argument against the "tough love" approach.8 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.
Being oblivious of something that doesn't excuse it. I got very comfortable and quit caring about my appearance and that is not acceptable to me. Everyone around me was too nice, I wish someone would have just said "dude, you seem to have put on a few pounds since she moved in" instead of pretending it wasn't happening.2 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.
Being oblivious of something that doesn't excuse it. I got very comfortable and quit caring about my appearance and that is not acceptable to me. Everyone around me was too nice, I wish someone would have just said "dude, you seem to have put on a few pounds since she moved in" instead of pretending it wasn't happening.
Sooo... other people should have taken responsibility for you, because you weren't taking it for yourself?20 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.
Being oblivious of something that doesn't excuse it. I got very comfortable and quit caring about my appearance and that is not acceptable to me. Everyone around me was too nice, I wish someone would have just said "dude, you seem to have put on a few pounds since she moved in" instead of pretending it wasn't happening.
Sooo... other people should have taken responsibility for you, because you weren't taking it for yourself?
Absolutely not, it was my problem. That statement was a rebuttal to the people who think that "mind your own business" is the preferred approach to friendship, when in reality, it tends to just enable bad habits and situations.4 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.
Being oblivious of something that doesn't excuse it. I got very comfortable and quit caring about my appearance and that is not acceptable to me. Everyone around me was too nice, I wish someone would have just said "dude, you seem to have put on a few pounds since she moved in" instead of pretending it wasn't happening.
Sooo... other people should have taken responsibility for you, because you weren't taking it for yourself?
Absolutely not, it was my problem. That statement was a rebuttal to the people who think that "mind your own business" is the preferred approach to friendship, when in reality, it tends to just enable bad habits and situations.
I still think none of your business. Just because you wished someone had said it to you doesn't mean that everyone ought to feel that same way, or would. If one of my friends pointed out I've gained weight (and I have), my answer would be "no shiz, sherlock" and irritation that they thought I was clueless enough not to have noticed.11 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.
Being oblivious of something that doesn't excuse it. I got very comfortable and quit caring about my appearance and that is not acceptable to me. Everyone around me was too nice, I wish someone would have just said "dude, you seem to have put on a few pounds since she moved in" instead of pretending it wasn't happening.
Doesn't excuse what? The transgression of weight gain? Lol...
You quit caring about your appearance and that was not acceptable to you. Not everyone feels the same.
I'm at a normal BMI for the first time in my adult life. At times I've thought, man, I wish someone would've said something. But I doubt it would've mattered. I needed to be ready to change & I wasn't for a long time. Interestingly, once I lost a lot of weight, everyone felt it was their place to comment on my body, my weight loss & different specific features of the new me. And I hate it. I wish people would keep their comments to themselves. (I'm not talking about simple compliments, either.) I bet they all think they're doing me a huge service by sharing their perspectives of my body & fitness with me, too.
As I said before, I do think some relationships are the kind that could take that kind of conversation without negatively affecting the relationship. But in general (and especially with regard to the OP) sharing your own experiences when solicited is as far as it should go.8 -
MommaGem2017 wrote: »I am appreciating my husband more and more and more and this thread continues. I am such a lucky lady!!
Ah, a silver lining to this thread I enjoy reading while I sip on wine. Kudos to you!3 -
I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.Alatariel75 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.
Being oblivious of something that doesn't excuse it. I got very comfortable and quit caring about my appearance and that is not acceptable to me. Everyone around me was too nice, I wish someone would have just said "dude, you seem to have put on a few pounds since she moved in" instead of pretending it wasn't happening.
Sooo... other people should have taken responsibility for you, because you weren't taking it for yourself?
Absolutely not, it was my problem. That statement was a rebuttal to the people who think that "mind your own business" is the preferred approach to friendship, when in reality, it tends to just enable bad habits and situations.
I still think none of your business. Just because you wished someone had said it to you doesn't mean that everyone ought to feel that same way, or would. If one of my friends pointed out I've gained weight (and I have), my answer would be "no shiz, sherlock" and irritation that they thought I was clueless enough not to have noticed.Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.
Being oblivious of something that doesn't excuse it. I got very comfortable and quit caring about my appearance and that is not acceptable to me. Everyone around me was too nice, I wish someone would have just said "dude, you seem to have put on a few pounds since she moved in" instead of pretending it wasn't happening.
Doesn't excuse what? The transgression of weight gain? Lol...
You quit caring about your appearance and that was not acceptable to you. Not everyone feels the same.
I'm at a normal BMI for the first time in my adult life. At times I've thought, man, I wish someone would've said something. But I doubt it would've mattered. I needed to be ready to change & I wasn't for a long time. Interestingly, once I lost a lot of weight, everyone felt it was their place to comment on my body, my weight loss & different specific features of the new me. And I hate it. I wish people would keep their comments to themselves. (I'm not talking about simple compliments, either.) I bet they all think they're doing me a huge service by sharing their perspectives of my body & fitness with me, too.
As I said before, I do think some relationships are the kind that could take that kind of conversation without negatively affecting the relationship. But in general (and especially with regard to the OP) sharing your own experiences when solicited is as far as it should go.
It doesn’t excuse taking another person’s attraction to me for granted and lowering my fitness standards by letting myself go.
6 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »
I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.Alatariel75 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.
Being oblivious of something that doesn't excuse it. I got very comfortable and quit caring about my appearance and that is not acceptable to me. Everyone around me was too nice, I wish someone would have just said "dude, you seem to have put on a few pounds since she moved in" instead of pretending it wasn't happening.
Sooo... other people should have taken responsibility for you, because you weren't taking it for yourself?
Absolutely not, it was my problem. That statement was a rebuttal to the people who think that "mind your own business" is the preferred approach to friendship, when in reality, it tends to just enable bad habits and situations.
I still think none of your business. Just because you wished someone had said it to you doesn't mean that everyone ought to feel that same way, or would. If one of my friends pointed out I've gained weight (and I have), my answer would be "no shiz, sherlock" and irritation that they thought I was clueless enough not to have noticed.Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
Why are aging and babies valid reasons to become overweight IYO but other life changes are not?
For example?
Our (US/western) culture, along with a slew of well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why people are overweight, generally speaking. I hope you're considering this within your conservative permissions of acceptable weight gain.
We are specifically referencing weight gain following marriage, not in general.
In that case, I would argue post-marriage/committed relationship weight gain occurs unintentionally. And people don't realize it's occurring until it's already happened. Kinda like this:I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together
At which point general cultural issues, along with well-marketed, atrocious diet & fitness advice, plays a pretty substantial role in why those people "let themselves go" & struggle to return to their pre-marriage/committed relationship baseline...along with aging, babies, increased responsibilities & lack of free-time, and all the other life changes that contribute to poor eating choices & decreased activity.
Don't get me wrong - I actually agreed with your initial comments regarding conversations with (true) friends about health concerns (excessive smoking, drinking, eating). And I agree that it's entirely within the control of the individual to lose weight, in the vast majority of cases. What I disagree with is the idea that people commit to a relationship and then consciously decide to say 'eff it' and let themselves go. As you described in your own relationship, it's quite unconsciously done.
Being oblivious of something that doesn't excuse it. I got very comfortable and quit caring about my appearance and that is not acceptable to me. Everyone around me was too nice, I wish someone would have just said "dude, you seem to have put on a few pounds since she moved in" instead of pretending it wasn't happening.
Doesn't excuse what? The transgression of weight gain? Lol...
You quit caring about your appearance and that was not acceptable to you. Not everyone feels the same.
I'm at a normal BMI for the first time in my adult life. At times I've thought, man, I wish someone would've said something. But I doubt it would've mattered. I needed to be ready to change & I wasn't for a long time. Interestingly, once I lost a lot of weight, everyone felt it was their place to comment on my body, my weight loss & different specific features of the new me. And I hate it. I wish people would keep their comments to themselves. (I'm not talking about simple compliments, either.) I bet they all think they're doing me a huge service by sharing their perspectives of my body & fitness with me, too.
As I said before, I do think some relationships are the kind that could take that kind of conversation without negatively affecting the relationship. But in general (and especially with regard to the OP) sharing your own experiences when solicited is as far as it should go.
It doesn’t excuse taking another person’s attraction to me for granted and lowering my fitness standards by letting myself go.
Maybe loving the person and not the package is what the difference is, here?
Beauty is only skin deep. But ugly goes straight to the bone.20 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »
I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.
A true friend knows when to be candid and when to keep their mouth shut . . . just like a true lover would. They know you so well that they can tell when their criticism will be welcome and when it will do more harm than good. Someone who is just an acquaintance will shoot their mouth off with no regard for you.
9 -
Katiebear_81 wrote: »I don't owe anyone "thin" or "fit" or "pretty". I am my own human being and if I get married and gain weight then I don't "owe" it to my spouse to lose that weight. If he doesn't like it and it becomes a deal-breaker for him, then that is that - he is also his own human being and gets to determine the terms of his own life. If we have a discussion and I decide to lose weight, I'd do it for my own goddamned self, not because he wants me to.
I freakin hate the term "let herself go", like she *kitten* owed anyone anything. Because we are only talking about looks, here. And women (and men!) do not owe anyone any kind of aesthetic.
To a point it's only about looks. But if the weight gain continues at some point it will also become about health. And that's a big one. Expecting someone who loves you to sit by quietly while you knowingly ruin your healthy is a big expectation.2 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »
I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.
A true friend knows when to be candid and when to keep their mouth shut . . . just like a true lover would. They know you so well that they can tell when their criticism will be welcome and when it will do more harm than good. Someone who is just an acquaintance will shoot their mouth off with no regard for you.
I haven't found life to be so neatly black and white that I know for certain whether to have a talk with a friend about an issue or to just let things go. I would rather a friend engage me in an uncomfortable conversation today than having a related uncomfortable conversation at some point in the future with a doctor, lawyer, financial planner, my supervisor, etc...4 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »
I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.
A true friend knows when to be candid and when to keep their mouth shut . . . just like a true lover would. They know you so well that they can tell when their criticism will be welcome and when it will do more harm than good. Someone who is just an acquaintance will shoot their mouth off with no regard for you.
I haven't found life to be so neatly black and white that I know for certain whether to have a talk with a friend about an issue or to just let things go. I would rather a friend engage me in an uncomfortable conversation today than having a related uncomfortable conversation at some point in the future with a doctor, lawyer, financial planner, my supervisor, etc...
I'm firmly on team 'don't bring it up unless they ask' because they know. No adult gains weight and doesn't know it. Your clothes get tight, you have to let your belt out a notch, etc. If they want advice they'll ask is my motto.
That said, my husband and his male friends have no problem telling each other about weight gain.1 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »
I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.
A true friend knows when to be candid and when to keep their mouth shut . . . just like a true lover would. They know you so well that they can tell when their criticism will be welcome and when it will do more harm than good. Someone who is just an acquaintance will shoot their mouth off with no regard for you.
I haven't found life to be so neatly black and white that I know for certain whether to have a talk with a friend about an issue or to just let things go. I would rather a friend engage me in an uncomfortable conversation today than having a related uncomfortable conversation at some point in the future with a doctor, lawyer, financial planner, my supervisor, etc...
I'm firmly on team 'don't bring it up unless they ask' because they know. No adult gains weight and doesn't know it. Your clothes get tight, you have to let your belt out a notch, etc. If they want advice they'll ask is my motto.
That said, my husband and his male friends have no problem telling each other about weight gain.
I have to wonder, given the drift in this conversation, if this is something that men and women are fundamentally different about (generally speaking, there are bound to be exceptions).
I find the idea that there's only one right way to be a friend possibly one of the strangest things I've read in this thread, and there's been a lot of strangeness.
Being a good friend means knowing what your particular friends are like, knowing their personalities and relating to each other within the parameters dictated by decency, mutual respect, and an intuitive understanding of each other. To suggest that a uniform set of standards should apply to all friendships outside of the context of individual, unique relationships is baffling to me.19 -
GottaBurnEmAll wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »
I don’t see the point in surrounding yourself with people who aren’t candid – that sounds more like acquaintances than friends.
A true friend knows when to be candid and when to keep their mouth shut . . . just like a true lover would. They know you so well that they can tell when their criticism will be welcome and when it will do more harm than good. Someone who is just an acquaintance will shoot their mouth off with no regard for you.
I haven't found life to be so neatly black and white that I know for certain whether to have a talk with a friend about an issue or to just let things go. I would rather a friend engage me in an uncomfortable conversation today than having a related uncomfortable conversation at some point in the future with a doctor, lawyer, financial planner, my supervisor, etc...
I'm firmly on team 'don't bring it up unless they ask' because they know. No adult gains weight and doesn't know it. Your clothes get tight, you have to let your belt out a notch, etc. If they want advice they'll ask is my motto.
That said, my husband and his male friends have no problem telling each other about weight gain.
I have to wonder, given the drift in this conversation, if this is something that men and women are fundamentally different about (generally speaking, there are bound to be exceptions).
I find the idea that there's only one right way to be a friend possibly the strangest things I've read in this thread, and there's been a lot of strangeness.
Being a good friend means knowing what your particular friends are like, knowing their personalities and relating to each other within the parameters dictated by decency, mutual respect, and an intuitive understanding of each other. To suggest that a uniform set of standards should apply to all friendships outside of the context of individual, unique relationships is baffling to me.
Well said, I was thinking the same thing. It's not all black and white.2 -
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piperdown44 wrote: »@jospen83 your shirt had me laughing out loud IRL! Co-workers wondered what was so funny
#teampluto
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