All of my friends are getting bigger............

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Replies

  • alondrakayy
    alondrakayy Posts: 304 Member
    I have a close friend who has gained a lot of weight in the recent years. She was skinny in high school and actually made fun of me once when I was gaining weight (I am very sensitive - there is a chance she thought she could make that type of joke because of how close we are but it stung!). I was never obese, just not the skeleton she was used to seeing. Anyways, now I'm at a healthy range and she is borderline obese. When she was gaining and made comments about herself I never replied negatively and often told her how that she looked great and as long as she is healthy, that all is good. Recently though, she said again that she had gained much weight and I didn't deny it. That was so hard! because I didn't want her feelings to be hurt but if I'm going to call myself her friend then I can't lie to her. She was surprised with what I said as if I was the first person to not reply in the way that she is used to.

    For the most part, we all know when we are gaining a little extra weight. I don't really know how much in denial we really are though when we are facing obesity, since that was never the case for me.
  • Bry_Fitness70
    Bry_Fitness70 Posts: 2,480 Member
    Need2Exerc1se wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    snickerscharlie wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.

    Or what? Grounds for divorce?

    "Hey, we are locked into a marriage contract so I don't give AF if I am in shape anymore" is probably indicative of many other troubling concepts on marriage.

    Yeah, because that happens all the time.

    It's more often something like this.

    Her: "Gosh, my pants are getting tight, I guess I need to cut back."
    Him: "What are you talking about you look awesome."

    Him: "Let's get pizza."
    Her: "I'd rather fix something at home. I've put on a few lbs."
    Him: "Don't be silly, you look great. I love the new curves."

    Her: "I'm so tired from caring for the baby. Why don't you take care of dinner tonight?"
    Him: Calls and orders pizza or Chinese.

    If both people don't care then no one really has a cause to complain, right? (Regarding the baby scenario, I mentioned above that aging, babies, and medical conditions need to be considered)
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Need2Exerc1se wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    snickerscharlie wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.

    Or what? Grounds for divorce?

    "Hey, we are locked into a marriage contract so I don't give AF if I am in shape anymore" is probably indicative of many other troubling concepts on marriage.

    Yeah, because that happens all the time.

    It's more often something like this.

    Her: "Gosh, my pants are getting tight, I guess I need to cut back."
    Him: "What are you talking about you look awesome."

    Him: "Let's get pizza."
    Her: "I'd rather fix something at home. I've put on a few lbs."
    Him: "Don't be silly, you look great. I love the new curves."

    Her: "I'm so tired from caring for the baby. Why don't you take care of dinner tonight?"
    Him: Calls and orders pizza or Chinese.

    If both people don't care then no one really has a cause to complain, right?

    Agree, but that's not what your post above said. Though often I think the woman does care, just not as much as she cares about other things.
  • AmiraTaha2016
    AmiraTaha2016 Posts: 4 Member
    I have the same problem and i need to control my self
  • MommaGem2017
    MommaGem2017 Posts: 405 Member
    kas1317 wrote: »
    I am 31, 5'1, CW 115, GW 112 (keeps bouncing back up bc I am not maintaining properly). I have been married a year and most of my friends are married, with or without kids, or in a long term committed relationship. EVERYONE is getting HUGE. Seeing friends from college or somewhere after a year or so, and they have gained 50 pounds. What is going on? Do they not care? Also, I would never FORCE diet advice on them, but if they ask or it come up, I say "MFP" and they say im pyscho etc and have no interest blah blah, takes too long, excuse. WHAT GIVES???

    I have several overweight friends and I never dig into that aspect of their lives. They know, they really do. But they are grown adults and they don't need me lecturing them.

    For my close family, I have gifted my Mom a FitBit and taught her how to use MFP, but the rest is up to her. She doesn't need me nagging her to do it. No one can spark the inspiration to truly lose the weight but ourselves.
  • Mouse_Potato
    Mouse_Potato Posts: 1,513 Member
    Need2Exerc1se wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    snickerscharlie wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.

    Or what? Grounds for divorce?

    "Hey, we are locked into a marriage contract so I don't give AF if I am in shape anymore" is probably indicative of many other troubling concepts on marriage.

    Yeah, because that happens all the time.

    It's more often something like this.

    Her: "Gosh, my pants are getting tight, I guess I need to cut back."
    Him: "What are you talking about you look awesome."

    Him: "Let's get pizza."
    Her: "I'd rather fix something at home. I've put on a few lbs."
    Him: "Don't be silly, you look great. I love the new curves."

    Her: "I'm so tired from caring for the baby. Why don't you take care of dinner tonight?"
    Him: Calls and orders pizza or Chinese.

    Before I married my ex-husband I was in fantastic shape. I worked out regularly and watched what I ate. After we got married I continued to cook (relatively) healthy meals, but he tended to work very late, so I would often snack while I waited for him to get home so we could have dinner together. Also, he didn't want me going to the gym without him, so either I waited until he got home and ate dinner (which meant working out around 10:00 at night when I had to be up early the next morning) or I was limited to taking the dogs for a walk. Not surprisingly, I started putting on weight. Then he complained that I had "let myself go."
  • RaeBeeBaby
    RaeBeeBaby Posts: 4,246 Member
    Mom used to say "fat and happy, skinny and sad". That has been true my entire life. Why? Comfort eating and confident in the love no matter the shape or size. It is easier than you think to gain a few pounds here and there and shrug it off. At the end of the day it comes down to wanting a better body for yourself and making the changes to get there.

    I've had (former) friends who dropped me when I got fit. As long as we were all struggling it was fine, but get thinner and fit and you're somehow a threat, even if you're absolutely not. You realize those aren't real friends after all. These days I make better choices all around - food, fitness AND friends. B)
  • Bry_Fitness70
    Bry_Fitness70 Posts: 2,480 Member
    MommaGem2017 wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.

    I just don't think it's even that intentional. I was at my lowest weight ever when I met my husband. Living alone, I didn't want to bother cooking extensive meals for myself, so I would eat a bowl of cereal, soup, frozen meal, and then go to yoga all night. After I moved in with my (soon-to-be) husband, I actually wanted to cook nice meals for this person I loved. A lazy bowl of cereal turned into yummy lasagnas with wine, and other delicious foods. Both my husband and I were eating richer, more calorie dense foods than normal and we both gained a few pounds.

    "(taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course)" is actually a huge part of it."

    But this is really the key of it all - just LIFE. After our wedding I had two babies and two knee injuries. Tired from back-to-back babies and no longer able to perform the exercise I preferred.... well, now I'm here on MFP trying to lose weight.

    Did I intentionally "let myself go"? No, but life happens.

    I lived with someone in my 20s, and about 6 months into it, we both had gained a fair amount of weight. While it wasn't "intentional", the lack of pressure to stay fit was the primary cause. We didn't care to impress each other with our healthy eating habits like when we first met, there was a lot of fast food. We both skipped the gym because having a decent physique to attract the opposite sex wasn't a priority anymore. There was more laying around the house and eating comfort food While this is all evident in hindsight, I was not even aware of the reality of any of this until we were no longer together and I had to reverse what had happened to me.
  • Packerjohn
    Packerjohn Posts: 4,855 Member
    MegaMooseEsq wrote: »
    MommaGem2017 wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.

    I just don't think it's even that intentional. I was at my lowest weight ever when I met my husband. Living alone, I didn't want to bother cooking extensive meals for myself, so I would eat a bowl of cereal, soup, frozen meal, and then go to yoga all night. After I moved in with my (soon-to-be) husband, I actually wanted to cook nice meals for this person I loved. A lazy bowl of cereal turned into yummy lasagnas with wine, and other delicious foods. Both my husband and I were eating richer, more calorie dense foods than normal and we both gained a few pounds.

    "(taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course)" is actually a huge part of it."

    But this is really the key of it all - just LIFE. After our wedding I had two babies and two knee injuries. Tired from back-to-back babies and no longer able to perform the exercise I preferred.... well, now I'm here on MFP trying to lose weight.

    Did I intentionally "let myself go"? No, but life happens.

    Exactly! It's a little disheartening, although not surprising, to see that even on a freaking weight loss forum, there are people whose primary idea of an overweight person is someone who just got lazy. Not everyone has babies (although many people do), or get injured (although anyone can and many do), but everyone ages. Major mental health crises happen. People move. Pets die. Parents die. Life happens. I find it much nicer to assume that people have their own lives going on rather than get grumpy about those worthless couch potatoes.

    And wouldn't most mental health experts say medicating with food for these issues isn't the best strategy?
  • jaymijones
    jaymijones Posts: 171 Member
    HeliumIsNoble wrote: »
    I'm not sure if I should confess this, but I'm married to a sedentary vegetarian bloke who has a natural off-switch. He's one of those people who will never become anything over slightly overweight, however much cake you put in front of him. This isn't anything to do with a naturally high metabolism; it's his habits. He will only have cake after dinner, "because it wouldn't be enjoyable if you ate it all the time" and he always just stops after one slice because "he's full".

    Any way, the upshot of all this is that since I raised my activity level to be two levels higher than his, and shrank my portion sizes to about his, I don't put on weight. Don't lose either, but I don't gain.

    So that's what you need to do. Find a sedentary man with a small appetite, and exercise more than him.

    Lol yes, this is exactly what I did (minus the vegetarian part) my husband seems to be incapable of eating more than he strictly needs to maintain. Even if he wants too he can't, he'll end up so sick he can't eat anything else until he's burned off any extra he ate. He's been told in the past that he could stand to put on weight and he Can. Not. Do. It. It's so weird!

    He exercises about 20 minutes 2-3 times a week, but only when he has his annual PT test for work coming up. Otherwise he doesn't exercise at all.

    I spend 1-1.5 hours 6 days a week working up a sweat. He weighs 20lbs more than I do and is 7 inches taller, when I'm in maintenance we can eat about the same amount.
  • slaite1
    slaite1 Posts: 1,307 Member
    Packerjohn wrote: »
    MegaMooseEsq wrote: »
    MommaGem2017 wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.

    I just don't think it's even that intentional. I was at my lowest weight ever when I met my husband. Living alone, I didn't want to bother cooking extensive meals for myself, so I would eat a bowl of cereal, soup, frozen meal, and then go to yoga all night. After I moved in with my (soon-to-be) husband, I actually wanted to cook nice meals for this person I loved. A lazy bowl of cereal turned into yummy lasagnas with wine, and other delicious foods. Both my husband and I were eating richer, more calorie dense foods than normal and we both gained a few pounds.

    "(taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course)" is actually a huge part of it."

    But this is really the key of it all - just LIFE. After our wedding I had two babies and two knee injuries. Tired from back-to-back babies and no longer able to perform the exercise I preferred.... well, now I'm here on MFP trying to lose weight.

    Did I intentionally "let myself go"? No, but life happens.

    Exactly! It's a little disheartening, although not surprising, to see that even on a freaking weight loss forum, there are people whose primary idea of an overweight person is someone who just got lazy. Not everyone has babies (although many people do), or get injured (although anyone can and many do), but everyone ages. Major mental health crises happen. People move. Pets die. Parents die. Life happens. I find it much nicer to assume that people have their own lives going on rather than get grumpy about those worthless couch potatoes.

    And wouldn't most mental health experts say medicating with food for these issues isn't the best strategy?

    Gaining weight due to a "mental health crisis" does not necessarily mean medicating with food.

    Being in crisis and using best strategies do not often go hand in hand. For many, myself included, dealing with mental health issues means going into survival mode. I would think a mental health professional would concern them self with larger issues than your eating habits in a crisis.
  • jaymijones
    jaymijones Posts: 171 Member
    edited August 2017
    I don't mention other people's weight. They know if their gaining, they don't need me to point it out.

    As I have been losing I have had a few people ask how I'm doing it. I find the best response especially if the person who asked is overweight, is to say "counting calories and running, ugh isn't running the WORST!" and then sigh like I hate it all. I always thank them for the compliment too. It's the best way I know to validate their own feelings, while proving that it works.

    I've been overweight and overwhelmed with life in the past. It wasn't always a priority and regardless of what anyone else said there wasn't always anything I could do about it. I had other more important things that required my attention, like depression, colicky infants and just trying to make it to the end of the day. I know it isn't a priority for everyone all the time and I think thats okay.

    So even though I actually no longer hate running, and calorie counting has become habitual, not everyone wants or needs to know that. I don't need people I love and care about thinking I'm judging them along with everything else they likely have going on.

    Weight loss isn't easy. It's a long term commitment. I believe it's achievable, but not everyone does, and who am I to tell them different.
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