Ladies - Receiving Unwanted "Attention"
Strong_Savannah
Posts: 28 Member
It seems like more often than not, I get some type of unwanted “attention” while running or riding my bike around town. I prefer to run outside (through town and bike paths), and my gym is about a mile away from my house, so I will ride my bike rather than drive if the weather permits. I have gotten everything from cat-called at, men driving by and craning their neck out the window, flipped the middle finger at (wth???), complimented: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but you are really cute”, and most recently the worst of all -
On Sunday evening I decided to run up to the gym. There is a bowling alley/bar across the street from the gym, and as I am approaching, I see 3 guys sitting outside smoking. Immediately I think, “Here we go…” I run past them (I am on the opposite side of the street), and next thing I know, one of them runs up beside me and he actually starts running with me! He says “Hey”, and something else I didn’t hear. Then he asks if he is bothering me and I say yes. He responds, “Ok, just wanted to tell you that you are beautiful! Work it out girl!” I replied by saying thanks. As he returns to his friends, I hear them all laughing. I can’t help but feel like I was used for their entertainment, but I don’t know exactly what their agenda was. Every time something like this happens, I can’t help but feel negatively about it...Not sure if “harassed” or “objectified” are the correct terms to describe it, but similar. Maybe I am just too sensitive, but how do men justify these behaviors?
It seems like this mostly happens when I am running or riding my bike; maybe because those are the only times when I am alone and am “vulnerable”? I would like to get some opinions from women who get unwanted attention like this while exercising in public, how you tend to respond, and how it makes you feel.
On Sunday evening I decided to run up to the gym. There is a bowling alley/bar across the street from the gym, and as I am approaching, I see 3 guys sitting outside smoking. Immediately I think, “Here we go…” I run past them (I am on the opposite side of the street), and next thing I know, one of them runs up beside me and he actually starts running with me! He says “Hey”, and something else I didn’t hear. Then he asks if he is bothering me and I say yes. He responds, “Ok, just wanted to tell you that you are beautiful! Work it out girl!” I replied by saying thanks. As he returns to his friends, I hear them all laughing. I can’t help but feel like I was used for their entertainment, but I don’t know exactly what their agenda was. Every time something like this happens, I can’t help but feel negatively about it...Not sure if “harassed” or “objectified” are the correct terms to describe it, but similar. Maybe I am just too sensitive, but how do men justify these behaviors?
It seems like this mostly happens when I am running or riding my bike; maybe because those are the only times when I am alone and am “vulnerable”? I would like to get some opinions from women who get unwanted attention like this while exercising in public, how you tend to respond, and how it makes you feel.
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Replies
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As a guy, this kind of behavior pisses me off and is uncalled for. Sorry you (and other women) have to deal with this crap.50
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Ick, gross. I am sorry that happened on Sunday. Sadly, it almost certainly was because you were alone and "vulnerable", which means that the guys doing it know that they were being creepy and intimidating. I've never had anything like that happen but it would likely make me self conscious and nervous in the moment and then mad afterward. The cat-calling or neck-craning probably wouldn't bother me and the middle finger would make me laugh. But actually being approached would be scary.13
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Strong_Savannah wrote: »Not sure if “harassed” or “objectified” are the correct terms to describe it, but similar. Maybe I am just too sensitive, but how do men justify these behaviors?
They are exactly the correct terms to describe it. Don't second guess yourself.28 -
My daughter is 13 and already getting this kind of totally disrespectful treatment...I usually walk with a friend, we never get this when we are together, but if I'm walking alone, it happens all the time...so obviously these men know their behavior is inappropriate because they can reign it in when they choose13
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You're definitely not wrong, it is harassment. I constantly find myself rethinking my workout apparel out of fear that I will get too much attention while out running. It seems like some men think that its not a problem if they follow the 'look but don't touch" rule but they don't realize how bad it really is. Receiving stares or getting comments when out running is not a compliment for most women (at least the ones I know) and it is just uncomfortable. I have to agree with you that I feel so vulnerable when running because I'm alone and often tired from the exercise...the last thing we need is some creepy stares or comments from men. I never respond to men like that when I'm running. Unless they're just saying a casual good afternoon, I keep it moving.8
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I respond with silence or "*kitten* off", a flip of my own middle finger, or other derogatory/insulting comment aimed at their manhood. I find it amusing to get the upper hand because they are often not expecting an aggressive response. I've been hiking, running, and traveling alone for over 14 years and there is no situation (short of a gun in my face) in which I've considered myself "vulnerable" when facing another human.
In the reverse, I have seen women in many situations ogle, whistle at, and make comments/giggle to/about attractive men....so it isn't just men who are in the wrong here.6 -
Strong_Savannah wrote: »Not sure if “harassed” or “objectified” are the correct terms to describe it, but similar. Maybe I am just too sensitive, but how do men justify these behaviors?
They are exactly the correct terms to describe it. Don't second guess yourself.
Exactly. I'm in my sixties, still get this crap and I can tell you it is annoying and childish.
I think they are playing a numbers game, like, "Iffen I hit on everything that moves (no offense, remember I'm in my sixties) maybe sumpin will take me up on it."
These guys have no manners and no discernment. I leave it to the Universe to dole out appropriate consequences.
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I get unwanted attention but it's generally from the police and/or dogs.40
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Strong_Savannah wrote: »Not sure if “harassed” or “objectified” are the correct terms to describe it, but similar. Maybe I am just too sensitive, but how do men justify these behaviors?
They are exactly the correct terms to describe it. Don't second guess yourself.
Absolutely this. I *kitten* HATE this *kitten*. I just posted a rant on my own friend's feed here about how this has been happening and bugs the ever-loving crap out of me. LEAVE ME ALONE BROS!!!
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I try to treat them like I do trolls online: ignore them. I don't generally think truly engaging is a great idea because it just gives them an audience or a reaction, that can spur them on further than I want. Not that that is a perfect solution either, as I have been called an icy/stuck-up *kitten* a number of times because of it (or some version of that theme) as I move away.
As for work out clothing, I wear what I think is appropriate for the conditions I am in- I have been wearing baggy layers/old t-shirts/sweatpants and called out, so I just don't bother worrying about others' responses to my outfits as I really don't think it makes as big of a difference (like @cmriverside said, sometimes it just feels like a numbers game or something).
I also want to say that in general, a lot of the men I see out and about are just normal dudes doing their own thing. Fellow runners, regardless of gender, will give a nod and/or smile. I try to focus on the positive and navigate negative situations as safely as I can.8 -
I have found a somewhat aggressive ( direct, a little louder than normal, neutral in emotion, a more formal address rather than just a "hey" or "what's up" etc...) "HELLO!" or "GOOD MORNING" etc... with direct eye contact is off putting for men. If you can get the jump on them and take away they're predatory drive ( you're not "prey" if you acknowledge them first) it takes away their power. They don't realize this, of course, they are just kind of in shock and say a quiet "Hi" back as you run or bike by at your most powerful speed and perfect form. Puff up, Be aggressive - and you'll beat them at their own game.38
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Add me to the aggressive responses group...I have a thousand-yard stare that can peel paint.16
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I have found a somewhat aggressive ( direct, a little louder than normal, neutral in emotion, a more formal address rather than just a "hey" or "what's up" etc...) "HELLO!" or "GOOD MORNING" etc... with direct eye contact is off putting for men. If you can get the jump on them and take away they're predatory drive ( you're not "prey" if you acknowledge them first) it takes away their power. They don't realize this, of course, they are just kind of in shock and say a quiet "Hi" back as you run or bike by at your most powerful speed and perfect form. Puff up, Be aggressive - and you'll beat them at their own game.
I really like this idea. Like OP, I can see it coming and wonder what would happen if I per-empt it with a formal greeting? It pisses me off that we all have to deal with this *kitten*.7 -
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Depending on my mood, I'll play into it, which usually takes them by surprise and don't know how to react, or I'll chew them out with words that are too big for them to understand in a loud enough voice that draws attention. I've gone so far as to snap a picture and post it to social media labeling him as some sort of creeper. Might be immature, but it's fun.1
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TeacupsAndToning wrote: »I find that I only get this when I'm alone. If i'm with my husband, I will see guys check me out but they never approach me.
Just yesterday I was walking home after work and I walked past these guys and right as I was passing one he said, "hey," which was fine so I just smile and kept walking but as soon as I past him he said to his friend, "she's cute." Then when I was no more than six feet away I heard him say, "she has a nice face and a nice everything else."
I don't mind getting compliments, I really don't, but sometimes when I'm not prepared for something like that I find it almost frightening.
It is frightening. And there is no being prepared for it, in my opinion. It's violating and intrusive.
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Sorry, that's terrible. Everyone deserves to not be harassed.
But, since I'm learning here, what is the appropriate way to give a compliment or break the ice? Is there one?0 -
The same way woman justify these behaviors.Strong_Savannah wrote: »Maybe I am just too sensitive, but how do men justify these behaviors?
I've had much worse while running, and have been groped many times at the gym.
It's uncalled for and ridiculous but it's not just men, it's individuals who think it's okay.
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WorkerDrone83 wrote: »Sorry, that's terrible. Everyone deserves to not be harassed.
But, since I'm learning here, what is the appropriate way to give a compliment or break the ice? Is there one?
How about not complimenting, how about just talking about neutral subjects? Or at least subjects that don't involve how someone looks or your attraction to them.
I mean, c'mon, we're talking about interrupting someone who is obviously out for a run or something not-related-to-looking-for-company.
Compliments are personal and are appropriate after you've been talking to someone for a while. Not strangers.26 -
cmriverside wrote: »WorkerDrone83 wrote: »Sorry, that's terrible. Everyone deserves to not be harassed.
But, since I'm learning here, what is the appropriate way to give a compliment or break the ice? Is there one?
How about not complimenting, how about just talking about neutral subjects? Or at least subjects that don't involve how someone looks or your attraction to them.
I mean, c'mon, we're talking about interrupting someone who is obviously out for a run or something not-related-to-looking-for-company.
Compliments are personal and are appropriate after you've been talking to someone for a while. Not strangers.
So, short answer is that there is no way to break the ice unless you see them regularly. Sounds lonely and boring, but I think I got it.
P.S. - I think we all agree that it's never acceptable to interrupt someone during a workout. Headphones are a clear "Do not disturb" sign. SHAME!0 -
WorkerDrone83 wrote: »Sorry, that's terrible. Everyone deserves to not be harassed.
But, since I'm learning here, what is the appropriate way to give a compliment or break the ice? Is there one?
The middle of a workout is not the time to break the ice. A quick nod or hand wave to somebody passing by is fine. But more than that is too much. You wouldn't stop and approach somebody to break the ice if you saw him/her mowing the lawn because clearly that person is busy doing something. The person who is jogging/walking/cycling/lifting weights is busy too so don't interrupt.15 -
The same way woman justify these behaviors.Strong_Savannah wrote: »Maybe I am just too sensitive, but how do men justify these behaviors?
I've had much worse while running, and have been groped many times at the gym.
It's uncalled for and ridiculous but it's not just men, it's individuals who think it's okay.
Look, I promised to stop groping you, it just dat *kitten* tho4 -
You appear to the casual observer to be one of the "sheep" so the wolves mark you as prey.
It is about body language mostly, especially with women.
It revolves around how you are carrying yourself and the attitude you are projecting.
If you want the wolves to leave you alone, look like one of the sheepdogs instead of a sheep.
Those clowns will not stop because they feel safe, empowered and in control.
Some of them may even think they are flattering you to get a date.
You on the other hand come across as a victim, even in this post.
My wife (who has fought several grown men full-contact and been in more than one altercation while out drinking in bars) calls it a "perpetual b1tch-face". Move and look like you don't want people messing with you and many won't.
Of course, being able to back that up helps with your self-confidence.
My wife may be a little too eager to start stuff sometimes...
Full Disclosure: I have taught Personal Protection, Combatives and Defensive Tactics for about 30 years.20 -
Compliments are first and foremost, polite - it's not polite to interrupt someone when they are in the middle of something. Exceptions can be made for people who need help.
It's not polite to stare or gawk.
Say hi, nice weather, or other standard 2 sec in passing topics, then move along. This assumes you are a nearby pedestrian, there is absolutely no polite way to yell at someone from a vehicle or from a distance.
Unless you are lost or in need of medical assistance, you should not be interrupting someone's workout.7 -
I just wanted to add that it can often be "hard" to do this. It's frightening/horrible/sad/infuriating etc... to know you need to resort to survival instincts to protect yourself just for being out in public. I, as many of you I'm sure, have had some men get physically aggressive if you "disrespect" them. Perfecting user Kullerva's "thousand yard stare that will peel paint" is a good thing to practice. In the end, the ugly reality is "might makes right" so we have to make our way carefully. I raised my daughter a little differently than I was raised - at 22 she just earned her black belt in Tai Kwon Do.4
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I deal with this quite often. I find any response whether it's positive or negative makes them want to engage more with me and/or they become more aggressive which can be a little scary. Plus it's not worth my energy. I'd rather save it for my workout.
Keeping my headphones in my ear, ignoring and keeping it moving works for me.
It's a shame though. I've gotten some great really great random compliments and I'm really friendly but when I respond back some try to get a conversation going or try to get my number.
Sometimes I might smile and say thanks and stay moving if I think it's sincere but for the most part I have to ignore.2 -
WorkerDrone83 wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »WorkerDrone83 wrote: »Sorry, that's terrible. Everyone deserves to not be harassed.
But, since I'm learning here, what is the appropriate way to give a compliment or break the ice? Is there one?
How about not complimenting, how about just talking about neutral subjects? Or at least subjects that don't involve how someone looks or your attraction to them.
I mean, c'mon, we're talking about interrupting someone who is obviously out for a run or something not-related-to-looking-for-company.
Compliments are personal and are appropriate after you've been talking to someone for a while. Not strangers.
So, short answer is that there is no way to break the ice unless you see them regularly. Sounds lonely and boring, but I think I got it.
P.S. - I think we all agree that it's never acceptable to interrupt someone during a workout. Headphones are a clear "Do not disturb" sign. SHAME!
Compliments aren't the same as breaking the ice (especially ones on physical appearance/fitness, which, let's face it, is all you've got to go on for a random stranger out for a run). It's not making a lonely and boring world for it not to be polite to yell "nice <bodypart>" at a randomer as they zoom past. It'd be lonely and boring if it wasn't polite to strike up a brief conversation about the weather/lateness of the bus/current events on public transport and gentle meanders through the park, but that's quite different. Leave the busy folks to it - and be nice to the ones who maybe would appreciate a natter
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WorkerDrone83 wrote: »So, short answer is that there is no way to break the ice unless you see them regularly. Sounds lonely and boring, but I think I got it.
P.S. - I think we all agree that it's never acceptable to interrupt someone during a workout. Headphones are a clear "Do not disturb" sign. SHAME!
You can break the ice without seeing someone regularly. It's just not a good idea to interrupt someone's workout. I would prefer not to be hit on at the gym, but if you could catch me before or after my workout I wouldn't be as frustrated as if you stopped me mid run. You don't have to say anything witty or try and compliment me. A simple "hi, I'm so and so and I was wondering if you would like to grab lunch/coffee/etc. sometime?" would suffice.1 -
Check out this article printed in Runner's World a few months ago: https://www.runnersworld.com/running-while-female It's a good read, and very accurate. A lot of men don't even realize the harassment/abuse women get while running - which amazes me. I've had a few encounters as well. I don't appreciate it. Crazy you have to worry about your personal safety when you just want to get a run in.8
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