Overbearing mother causing obesity

FrenchCanuck

My mother has two masks. With strangers, she seems the most polite, respectful and sweet natured woman. With familly, she is dominant, bossy, demeaning, emotionnally cold, insulting, disrespectful, hypocrite and a compulsive liar. She is very snappy with comments that hurt and is incredibly authoritive. With me, she seems to be worse since i'm her only child and treats me more like a posessive object to give orders around than treating me like a person.

Since I moved out, she is horribly worse. She comes to my house without calling as if it's her house, gets mad at me when i'm not there or dont answer her calls/text (i work rotationnal shifts, i sometimes sleep during the day and work long hours - i dont have time to check up on her calls every day!) It,s as if im not allowed to have a life without her constant supervision. She always expects me to fail.

It has only been my mother and I; my father left when i was 5 and was never in my life. I went through my mom's boyfriends that always treated me like i was "in the way" and never liked me. Some were very verbally abusive and one was physically abusive. - my mom stayed with them even after they treated me like hell. I always felt like i was nothing; mom's boyfriends are more important than me and my dad left me alone with my mom...

All this constant pressure molded me into a terribly stressed out person. I have no self esteem, no self confidence, chronic depression, suicidal thoughts, social anxiety and obsessive compulsive (because my mom's orders are always ringing in my head - "DONT PUT THAT THERE! DONT DO THAT! DONT DO THIS! THAT DOESNT GO TEHRE!") The only escape i had was drawing and eating. It was the only two things that she couldnt control. I could escape my mind into an imaginary world while drawing and eating fatty foods made me happy. So, I got fat ....

Talking to her never gets through her head; in her mind, SHE IS PERFECT. She's never the problem, it's the others ---

Everyone tells me she does this because she loves me, but truthfully, if a stranger would do this to me, i would tell them to f**** off. Why is it acceptable that my mother disrespects me because she loves me? Makes no sense to me!

My mother drives me crazy.
When she wants me to do something and i refuse, she uses manipulation and repetition until i give in and do what she wants so she shuts up and leaves me alone.

Just this week, she came to my house. Im in the process of downsizing and going through old boxes to throw away stuff i dont need anymore, and i was thinking of getting a puppy for a little companionship... so i was all excited to show her the breeds of dogs i like and get her opinion - not even two minutes after she came in and sat down " Im not gonna sit down all day doing nothing. I need to move. Im gonna do your dishes and throw away stuff in your boxes. im not sitting here doing nothing all day"... then why did you come here then if you dont want to sit down and talk with your daughter? I refused because each time she visits me, she cleans my stuff, then makes an excuse to leave when she 's finished - she never sits down two minutes with me! She got up and helped herself to clean my dishes without my consent and wanted to go through my stuff and throw away the stuff she deemed i didnt need - i told her to stop, its my house, you dont go to your friend's houses to clean and throw away their stuff so why are you doing it here? When she saw i wouldnt let her, she threw a fit. Talking to her didnt help (she's perfect - im the problem) so i locked myself in my room until she left. Outside my door she complained " why are you doing this? i dotn know why you act this way. im not standing here all day" --- she finally left. Absolutely no compassion. Cold frosted iced heart. I just wanted to spend quality time with my mom. and btw, my appartment is clean. My mother is a clean freak and obsessive compulsive. My appartment isnt "operating room" clean to her tastes.

She's driving me crazy.

When i go through things like this with her, i end up depressed, crying in my pillow and becoming zoned out just sleeping or being a vegetable for days. It takes me a while to put a smile on my face and usually its because i got out of the house for junk food to make me feel better.

I wrote this here because I just hoped someone in my situation would understand what im going through...

I hope someone can help me.

SidsMom80

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. She obviously has some issue she needs to work out. Maybe therapy together if you could get her to go. If not maybe therapy for yourself.

Personally I had a really bad relationship with my brother. No good ever came from us trying to talk or hang out together. I finally had enough, and decided that I wouldn't deal with this behavior from a stranger, and I don;t have to deal with it from him just because he's family. I haven't spoken to him in a year, and while some days it sucks to not have a brother you can talk to, when I hear what he's doing to other family members I'm glad I made the decision to remove him from my life.

cmriverside

I understand.

You need to cut off contact with her for now and get yourself into therapy.

She is not going to change. You have to change her power over you.

FrenchCanuck

I did had therapy when i was young. My mom sent me to a psychologist. The doctor said my mother is the problem.

My mother will never admit she has a problem, she has a high superiority mentality, she thinks she's better than everyone else and she's perfect in every way. My mother acts like a total Princess without having no credibility to being one.

She relies on her boyfriend's wallets to survive. They treated he like crap and were abusive to me and she stuck with them because his wallet is more important than me. She is so prissy, she refuses to work more than 30 hours a week and cant hold jobs for very long. I always worked hard busted my butt and always kept my jobs and moved up the ladder, it angers me when she knocks on my door to beg for money. I always think because she needs money for her lunch at work, but she comes back from IKEA with a stupid uselles LAMP SHADE! WTF??? She does this because she spent all her money, her bf is tired of paying everything for her and she wont take more hours at work to get more money. She is healthy, she has no health problems; she's just a lazy Princess.

I dont need this drama in my life.

Im sorry about your brother, i hate familly drama and fights. But at least you can live peacefully!

lawkat

I have a mother similar to yours. It has taken a few years of therapy and medication to help me to move beyond her words and actions. You have to realize that she is a very insecure person. She is probably insecure around you and to make herself feel better, she puts you down. Also, you have to give up and hoping that she will be the mother you always wanted. There are moments where I still believe that maybe if I do this or that, she will behave the way I always wanted her to. That will never happen. I am learning to let go of that idea and realize that she is just a sad person that will never change.

You have to detach yourself from her. When you hear her voice in your head, you need to tell yourself that that is her talking and it isn't true. It takes time to change it. You don't have to cut her out of your life, but you do need to try and establish some boundaries. Instead of inviting to your place, go out to the mall or lunch or something where it is neutral ground. That way she won't feel the way to clean or reorganize your life. My mother came to visit a few months ago and luckily she knows better than to rearrange my things but it didn't stop her from telling me how much better my place would be if I did this and that. I ignored it because I like my place the way it is.

I do wish you the best of luck and go get some therapy. I go to someone who does cognitive behavioral therapy and it has helped so much.

cmriverside

Venting on a public forum doesn't solve your problem. Childhood therapy obviously didn't help you as an adult.

You are miserable and dumping this on a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Get back into therapy, you don't have to have such a dysfunctional relationship with this woman. You actually don't HAVE to have any relationship with her. This type of posting is very uncomfortable for me, and even though there will be plenty of people who are going to sympathize with you - you need to solve this. You are an adult.

Stump_Likker

Mom is very nasty and manipulative. I hardly have any contact with her. Don't let someone briing unnecessary drama into your life, especially if it's affecting your health.

pixie_pix

I feel you and I hope you will be able to get over this situation which locks you up for far too long now...

My first thought was: Move away! Move so far away that she just cannot stand in front of your door unexpected and uninvited... Maybe this is not possible but try to plan for it in the future, I think it is the only way to give you peace.

Until then try to protect yourself

Take your keys from her so she cannot let herself in unwanted and unpermitted.

Maybe make appointments somewhere outside in a restaurant or coffeeshop to be on neutral ground and prevent her to be nast to you in front of others...

she don't wanna sit and talk to you? Don't make anymore attempts to do so... She is not worth it that you are begging for her love and attention... (I know you are longing for a 'normal' mother-daughter relationship, but she has so many issues she will never be able to give it to you... I have a similar thing with my father and one day I just accepted that we will never be able to talk in a normal manner with each other... Hard stuff, but I got over it and found myself other people who like to talk to me and value what I say, think and feel...)

A puppy is a great idea... He will be a great company and it's great for you, cause you will experience unconditional love from him.

Find Friends with similar hobbies (maybe an arts-course or a circle of motorcycle lovers... Many options out there, or you can make friends in the gym or what ever activity you sport with your new lifestyle...

And I tend to say what others already said: maybe you need some counceling to find your self confidence and the strengh to live your live happy and healthy. Been there, done that... Was a helpful experience that made me a stronger and independent person.

For the beginning just carry on to make small changes in your life... The better it goes the more selfconfidence you may discover... If u wanna talk... I'm here :flowerforyou:

PunkinSpice79

I understand.

You need to cut off contact with her for now and get yourself into therapy.

She is not going to change. You have to change her power over you.

^ ^ This.

My dad behaves similarly. You can't change other people, you can only change how you respond to them. I cut my dad out. I only answer his POSITIVE emails now. Sometimes, I'm sad about it, but really, only when people press me about forgiveness or "family." My dad never acted like family, and apparently, neither does your mom. I can't even describe to you the enormous weight off my shoulder when I stopped dealing with him. The negativity was so CRUSHING. Everything in my life is positive now. I've made my own family with people I genuinely love and who genuinely love me.

Here you go, I'm going to absolve you of any guilt. It is okay to cut toxic people out of your life, even if it is your mother.

BrianSharpe

1. Cut off all contact with her.
2. Get therapy for yourself.

Just because you're biologically related to her doesn't mean you're obligated to continue in an abusive relationship.

Camera_BagintheUK

I understand.

You need to cut off contact with her for now and get yourself into therapy.

She is not going to change. You have to change her power over you.

cmriverside is right. You can't change your mum, you can't change how she treats you, it's barely relevant if she does this because she loves you or not, because the reality is you're finding it so damaging. I'm sure she does love you and just has no idea how to show it without trying to manage you in this way. But that's her problem not yours - your problem is how to shake yourself free.

You can't make her behave differently, or treat you differently. All you can do is change how it affects you, and you can't do that easily, which is why some counselling or family therapy or something would help you. Your mum has the remote control and pushes all your buttons. You need to change the frequency so that the buttons don't work anymore. Then, maybe you can rebuild a more healthy relationship with your mum.

FrenchCanuck

therapists dont know what im going through, they can only give me adivce on what they learned in books back in school to study for their degree or fill me up full of medication.

What is helpful to me is talk about this issue with people who understand what im going through since they experienced it themselves and i value their opinion greater than a therapist since they've gone through hell and also got out of it. they can teach me how to get out of it as well.

This place is perfect to share my feelings and experiences with people who eats because of familly drama.
This is a community where people help each other.
Im not venting, im hurting.
Im seekign help from people who understands my problem.

Bridgetthegre

Seeing a counselor would probably help you work through effective strategies.

That said, she isn't changing. The counselor won't tell you how to change your mother. I don't know her, but she probably does love you. She is who she is. Your only real choice is to change your reaction.

Locking yourself in your bedroom is probably not the most adult response. Your mom came to help. Her idea of helping is to roar around the house and do things. You are upset because you feel she didn't accept your need to sit and look at dogs. She probably feels the same way about you not accepting her need to do things.

Define your contact with her on adult terms. If she comes over unannounced, either don't answer the door or tell her now isn't a good time, give her a time and day that would work for you, and shut the door. I'd imagine she'll throw a fit. That's her choice. Your choice is whether you react to it by having your own tantrum, or become an adult and go on with your life.

Regardless of what you do, your mom is not going to become the person you want her to be anymore than you're willing to become the person she wants you to be. Stop feeding into the drama. Stay calm. Redefine your part of the relationship by your choices,

jess6742

Luckily you are an adult now and don't have to deal with her crap if you don't want to. Set clear boundaries and get some therapy, she will never change.

lawkat

Not all therapists are the same. I go to someone who deals with cognitive behavioral therapy. Trust me, it does help. Talking about what is wrong with your mother and the stress you are going through is only so helpful. You need to rewire your thinking of her and seeing someone every week to work on it does help.

Just because you and I have similar issues with our mothers doesn't mean I know how you are processing what she says and also what her past was like. Just because a therapist hasn't been through what you have been through doesn't mean that they aren't able to help. The mind is a complex thing and it can take years to rethink things that have been ingrained since birth. I still struggle, but I am in a far better place. I don't feel like talking to someone who has a similar type of parent to work it out. Instead in those kinds of situations, it ends up being a whine and vent fest with no real solutions. Look into different therapists before discounting them altogether.

julzbennett

I totally sympathise with your circumstances; though not QUITE the same, I learned a lot of anxiety behaviours from my family, especially work-a-holicism, leading to stress and comfort eating. I did find counselling useful because it allowed me to sound out my feelings and work out what behaviours I learned and, most importantly, how to combat them.

it isn't easy to accept, but whatever baggage our families hand us, once we're adults its our baggage; you can carry it with you for the rest of your life or you can sort through it and put it away once and for all! If you feel counselling isn't right, maybe try an assertiveness course so that you can stand up to your mother's aggressive and manipulative behaviour and start shaping the relationship the way that you want it to be (if you still want to have one). Another thought might be a support group where you can talk to others about your experiences.

It is very hard when someone has taken your self-esteem to the point where it affects how you live your life, and hopefully you find a way to gain your esteem back yourself. If it's yours and you earn it then no one can ever take it from you.

add/message me if you want to talk more

Good Luck

laserturkey

1. Cut off all contact with her.
2. Get therapy for yourself.

Just because you're biologically related to her doesn't mean you're obligated to continue in an abusive relationship.

This. As hard as it is, I think your path to wellness leads toward creating a new support system for yourself with chosen "family" entirely separate from your mother.

MaryIM

I understand your desire to "vent" on MFP ... it probably feels good to put your feelings into words. And you also get some positive feedback from the MFP community.

BUT ... if you really want to improve the situation:
1) You need to get into cognitive behavioral therapy. Find a therapist! There are many talented therapists who can be helpful. It will take time though. It's not a quick-fix.

2) Minimize your contact with your Mother. She's not going to change. You need to change.


And your Mother is not causing your obesity ... take responsibility ... you are causing your obesity ... by medicating yourself with food (which is a common response to stress).

Skrib69

Venting on a public forum doesn't solve your problem. Childhood therapy obviously didn't help you as an adult.

You are miserable and dumping this on a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Get back into therapy, you don't have to have such a dysfunctional relationship with this woman. You actually don't HAVE to have any relationship with her. This type of posting is very uncomfortable for me, and even though there will be plenty of people who are going to sympathize with you - you need to solve this. You are an adult.

For someone who is uncomfortable with this post, you are very forthright with your opinions. Twice. You don't have to follow it. I agree with OP - talking helps.

FrenchCanuck

...

I tried to seperate from my mother.


When i dont answer my cell phone or reply her texts, she calls my boss at work and asks him to tranfer the call to me.
I told her not to call at work for non emergencies.
She ignores me.
She calls for "small talk"
This makes me look bad at work, i dont like it. Its crossing the line right there.

I cant escape her.
If i dont answer, she harasses me at work.
She'll get me fired!

SHE DOES NOT LISTEN.

gypsyrose64

Psychologists are adept in behavioral therapy and many times have gone through hell themselves. I've had a couple in my life that gave me the tools to deal with my mother (who was a clone of yours). Many of them don't just come to the table with book knowledge alone, and can be beneficial in helping you change YOU.. You can't change your mother, but your perception and the power she has over you can change. Psychiatrists write prescriptions and can also be beneficial at times.

I would suggest you find a psychologist and give it a try. I'm telling you this because it saved my life once. I also found a "codependency group" (set up by the counselor) where everyone had similar problems. Codependency is when you tie your soul to a dysfunctional person(addict, control freak, abusive, etc) and then hinge your every waking moment trying to either 1)fix them 2)make them what you want or 3)cope with the negativity. All the childhood tools for surviving toxic parents don't work as adults.

It's YOUR life and taking responsibility for changing and growing past this pain is yours. Even it it means cutting her out of it.

I went a year twice in my life, where I didn't talk to mine. It didn't change until I drew some really firm boundaries and stuck to them. Even then, she never was the mother I needed. She did learn to respect me. Last year she died a painful long death(cancer), and I was there until the end. Even in the last few months, she could not bring herself to apologize for some nasty things she's done in my life. She wrote me out of her will at one point, and even knowing she was dying - did not change it.

It's OK... I forgave her. Forgiveness isn't about the other person. It's about releasing yourself from having to feel bad about it.

A book worth reading: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

Positive change starts with you.